r/AdultChildren

Today my child and I went to get my husband a birthday gift. I asked my child what he wanted to get his dad for his birthday and he replied “Lemonade. That’s his favorite.” His response honestly made me so emotional… what I would have given for my dad’s favorite drink to be lemonade instead of beer.

Does anybody else experience their mothers guilt tripping and manipulating you to believe that if you do not speak with her or see her enough or respond to texts fast enough that they are going to literally off themselves?

My mom has always used me as her emotional support my entire life and I never realized how wrong it was until I moved out in 2020 and ever since then it got so much worse. Every time she goes off on me randomly (like to an extreme as if I intentionally want to hurt her) I ghost her for either a few days or sometimes a couple months then when we come back together she tells me how she had a whole plan to off herself. I never took it aimed towards me for some reason until lately.

Earlier this year we went two weeks without talking and she said she left the door unlocked the day she was gonna do it so that I could get in to check on her and find her in the bathroom. She also wondered if I’d ever even think to come check on her and how long her body would be there. We talked a little bit about how that affects me but surface level.

Three months ago, I completely cut her off because it got so bad accusing me of doing things and making me feel bad about myself that I couldn’t handle it anymore. Anyway, she’s started sending me messages on Facebook this past week saying that she loves me and she misses me and then sends me a reel of a girl singing a song to her mom in heaven that she wishes was still here and saying sorry I didn’t come see you more. HOW FUCKED.

Of course I freaking worry if she will because she’s legit tried it twice and failed. So I started spiraling and eventually just asked her “why did you send me this?”. No response back, just now seeing her post stupid ass TikTok’s about “this is me and you get what you get”.

Btw I have an extreme back injury from getting hit by someone on the highway (learned that day that she took me off our insurance that I help pay for TWO days before without telling me) which has me completely maxed out emotionally and physically so adding this to it made me feel every emotion possible today.

Hi all, I've been debating whether to ask for advice here or not for a while. Here's some context. I'm 30 and live on my own, have 2 older siblings, none of us live with our mother anymore. My father lives with her along with their dog and cat. The TL;DR version is she has serious mental health issues but doesn't see a doctor. She has agoraphobia tendencies also, hasn't left the house to go anywhere in a couple years now. Her alcohol episodes entail staying up for multiple days angry talking to herself, where my dad hears her being loud and angry and tends to stay to himself on the bottom level of the house. Recently, her episodes have gotten considerably worse. She will sleep for days as well, but her anger toward my dad has extended to her children now. I try my best to comfort my dad and reassure him that this isn't his fault. I also try to comfort my mom because I know it comes from a place of loneliness. They're both in their mid / late 60s. My question is I need advice because I'm emotionally burnt out and so sad that this is just how my mom is now. She used to have more of a balance in life, being able to prioritize dentist appointments at the very least, used to actually go out shopping and come to the city. Her physical health is deteriorating to the point she can't walk without a limp. My dad does everything he possibly can to help her, offers to take her places, but she's not on any sort of schedule. It's my understanding that he takes care of everything around the home and financially, and my mom berates him any chance she possibly can. They're both retired, and my dad has his own health issues that he can't even get addressed for money reasons. If anyone has any advice, I'm more than happy to hear about how to handle this. I feel so bad for my dad and the pets too. She's an indoor smoker on top of this, which isn't anything new, but it's her anger that is worrisome. They've only ever gotten into one physical altercation when I was a child as far as I'm aware, but they just turn that pain and anger inward and self-harm themselves. Thank you for reading and any advice. I've even looked into social workers at least for my dad, but I seriously don't know what to do in this situation. If I were to get her professional help I'd get shunned from her and my oldest sibling for life. She's the most stubborn person I've ever known and I know I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, but at what point is enough enough and someone outside has to intervene? I'm really not sure.

Hi, I hope this is the right place to post this, but I'm very tired and I need help, and I need to get this off my chest.

My 59 year old pill-addicted mother had to move in with me last fall after my father passed away from cancer. My dad supported my mom financially their entire 40 year marriage, but he didn't have anything in savings, retirement, etc. He left her with a dilapidated house that we struggled to sell and barely got enough to pay off the remaining mortgage. My mom has been addicted to prescription pain killers and klonopin for as long as I can remember. We tried to arrange living arrangements with other family members when my dad passed since my mom doesn't have an income, and I even paid one of them monthly rent for about 2 months for her to stay there before things fell through. I was left with the difficult decision of letting her move in with me into my partner's house. She has now been here since November 2025. She has been doing a lot better for the most part, but we have had several instances with her ordering pills online and lying to me. I'm so sick of it, I don't know what to do. She just came home from visiting her cousin for a week, and she's obviously high on something. She has a tiny bit of money left over from the house that I managed to stretch out(I've been managing it for her) over the past several months, but she's down to $1000. She applied for disabled widow's benefits, but was denied. She currently is having a lawyer appeal her case. But until she gets some kind of income, she can't get her own place. She has no car, and can't even manage her own money. She had a hard life as a kid and my dad controlled all the finances, so she's really incompetent with managing a budget, especially with the lure of drugs. My partner is at his wits end and was kind enough to let her move into his house, especially as he is the guardian of his 16 year old brother on top of things. I need a way out of this though. I have an older brother who lives 3 hours away, who hasn't stepped in much at all to help care for my mom. He acted oblivious when I brought up her pill addiction after my dad passed. We also have a schizophrenic brother we have to worry about. I don't know what to do to get her out of my house. I can't let her be homeless. What options do I have? She denies her addiction and won't seek help for it. I've tried to get her to seek help my whole life and I'm not holding my breath for her to change her mind. It's now ruining the most important relationship in my life with the man I want to marry, and he's really stuck by my side through this, but I also see how it's draining to him. He already lost both his parents, one to alcohol, one to suicide. My mom's addiction is so bad, she stole the leftover morphine the day after my dad passed.

As an added stress, my boyfriend, his brother, and I are leaving for a 3 week trip in October that we have been planning for the past 3 years. Our plan was to let her watch the house and our cats, but now I'm worried it's a terrible idea to leave her in my house alone(initially, I thought we'd have things figured out by now). I don't want to cancel this trip, we've already paid for most of it, and I really need it after taking care of my dad on hospice(she was too drugged up to take care of her dying husband) and now taking my mom in.

I love my mom, but I have reached my breaking point. I want my life with my partner back. I don't want to be stressed on this trip. I have been waiting patiently for disability benefits to come through, but I don't know if they will. I know that was a lot to read, but I had to omit so much and still try to get my point across. I know many in this group are children of alcoholics, but I don't know of a group for children of narcotics addicts. Between my work schedule(full time graveyard shift), and taking care of my family, I don't even know how to make time to join a local group, but I'm willing to try.

I hope this was coherent, I'm losing sleep over this.

I really need to vent and get some outside perspective because I feel like I'm completely losing my mind and don’t know how to find my happy again.

I am 25 years old, a mature student starting my second year of university soon, and I am proud to say I have been sober for two and a half years. I am actively trying to better myself, take care of my dog (whom I look after all the time), and just be happy, but my family makes it feel completely impossible. I have zero plans to ever have kids I’m happy to be childfree. My sisters are 29 and 32, and since they both have children now, they have that in common and I feel completely left out and isolated, like I'm adopted and just don't belong.
Yesterday and today, I was at my sister’s house helping out with her two-week-old newborn. Even though I don't like babies, I was doing everything I could to support her: washing dishes, making her food, refilling her water bottle, and cleaning her house. Still, it wasn't good enough. She got annoyed at me and claimed I was just "standing there" and I said let’s go for a walk and she really didn’t want to go out and said I was pressurizing her but I thought it would just be good for her and baby to get some fresh air. My sister is currently very upset with her partner because he works, is barely ever at the house, and also has a 9-year-old from a previous relationship, so I feel like she is taking all her stress out on me.
My other sister is also horrible to me. She tells me I act like a teenager and need to sort out my attitude. The irony is that she is currently on Soberlink, and if it wasn’t for me intervening to help her and her boys in the past, I honestly don’t think she would even have custody of her kids right now. My dad behaves exactly the same way towards me. He is a functioning alcoholic and I don’t speak to him very much. Whenever they start speaking to me badly, I simply have to walk away to protect my peace, but then they mock me and say I'm "storming off like a teenager." I just don't want to do this anymore.
I feel like a glorified taxi and babysitter. They only ever contact me when they want to ask for favors or lifts, but I am treated horribly in return. I feel like I can’t do anything right with them. I live with my mum, who cares a lot about me, understands what I'm going through, and is also very stressed out by it all. Even my auntie admitted to me that our family is challenging and told me life is about a balance of give and take but right now, I am doing all the giving and getting spoken to like absolute rubbish.
A friend of mine told me recently that I seem really off and sad, and it’s true. I want to have a close bond with my family, but I also want to have a life of my own. They live close by, and I know they are going to keep demanding lifts and babysitting while continuing to treat me poorly. I feel so unappreciated and stuck. How do I set boundaries with people who refuse to respect me, especially when I'm trying so hard to stay sober and focus on my studies?

So far I’ve just been avoiding those specific couches and chairs, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to avoid them one meeting if the seating is full. I’ll have to just turn around and go home, and that would impact my recovery.

I haven’t spoken up yet; I’ve given a lot more grace than I normally would - because of course - we all come to these meetings in a vulnerable state and I understand that. It may be the worst place possible to call somebody out for a lack of etiquette and respect for others.

I can’t do a message to the group because it is very clear who the culprit is, they are the only ones who do it. Do I just suck it up, let it go and bite the bullet on this one? Do I just wear jeans I don’t care about, sit on the foot stains and change right after? Just go home if there’s no feet-free seating?

If this wasn’t an ACoA meeting, I would have called them out and solved it weeks ago, like I do on the train or metro. We are all adults at the end of the day. But I do not want to impact this person’s recovery negatively, so I ask today because I would like advice on how to approach this unique situation.

This is going to sound crazy, but you have been helpful before with advice and support. Every time I take my parent to the hospital there’s like this weird smell that like I’m assuming surrounds her, but like I don’t smell it on her person, I don’t smell in her room. I just smell when I’m taking her to the hospital in my car. But, today she didn’t even make it to the car she had to go in an ambulance, but the smell is still like in my car and I’m assuming on me cause I picked her up. It’s not like a cigarette smell. It’s not an alcohol smell. It’s not BO it’s like a weird almost like chemically smell like sanitary but also like burnt and there’s something about it, that’s almost like a homely under note of smell. I absolutely cannot figure it out, and it’s literally like a smell that comes off of her like it has to every time I’ve taken her to the hospital and brought her back from the hospital. Very different from the hospital smell. The smell gets like stuck in my car for days and gets stuck in my nose, like I have really horrific sinuses. I feel crazy and I feel like nobody else can smell this smell when I ask them to smell it. Does cirrhosis have a smell like this? Or vomitted blood? I don’t thing it’s a medicine side effect because her prescriptions have been different every time. It’s such a so oddly specific and complicated smell it and it is making me feel sick. Idk if I can stand it and her hospital visits are seemly more frequent now.

I feel like at this point maybe I’m just a freak and I can smell cirrhosis or maybe it’s just the smell or her near death passes with these hospital trips? But then why is still strong after the hospital or why can’t I smell it on a normal day to day? Normal sprays and scents don’t get rid of the smell either, it’s just so overpowering to me.

I went to an ACOA meeting 20 years ago.. (in the UK IN Bath). It took so much courage to go. I was freaked out because most people there were also recovering alcoholics /drug addicts and talked about their own alcohol and drug abuse., A couple, used it like a performance space. .. I was so freaked out .. I never went back and am still scared to go to another one . Is it that my level of sensitivity is too much? Is dealing with stuff that scares me /freaks me out part of the process (why was I so scared?). Or is ACOA just not for me ? Is it that there are /were so few AAor NA or ACOA meetings in the UK. I know there was only one ACOA meeting Anywhere near me and it was an hour away.
TLDR: I’m considering attending ACOA in the UK. Previous experience scared me. Is getting over experiences like that part of process? Or am I too nesh for ACOA meetings?

In my case it’s my mother. I don’t feel like I have one. I cannot stand the sight or the the thought of her. My stomach turns when talking about her, seeing her call or text my phone, appear in the family group chat, etc.

I went to a birthday party the other day and I just couldn’t stand looking at her (she was drinking, too)

She continues to drink, hurt and pester everyone, and takes zero accountability. I’m just so over it. She has done what feels like irreparable damage to me. I had to end a relationship I was so happy about because of the fear and anxiety she instilled in me regarding drinking.

I barely talk to her any more. I go home maybe once to see my dad and other siblings and we speak then

Something tells me it’s wrong to feel like this because it’s my mother but again I don’t feel like she’s anything. A mother to me feels like some blank, empty box.

I’ve felt like this for over a decade now. I’m so over it. My therapist told me I don’t have to forgive her and I think objectively they are right. She’s never apologized once for her bullshit and the grief she’s caused me and the rest of my family.

Am I wrong? Idk why I’m posting this I’m just so frustrated

I’m 32, single and feeling incredibly stuck in what you call the "Splinter Era"(the life stage in your 30s when close friends start moving in different directions). Every single week, another friend announces an engagement or a baby.

Meanwhile, my reality looks completely different. I went out a lot with my friends in my 20s and dated a few guys but nothing was ever successful. And now in my 30s, for the past two years, I have been caring for my mother (I know I didn't have to, but I mentally could not relax knowing she was suffering). I have now placed her in a memory care home, but I am still having to handle other aspects of her life (finances, cleaning out her home, dealing with her insurance/taxes/etc.)

Between my responsibilities and trying to survive, I have zero time for myself to date, let alone meet someone. My ultimate goal in life is to fall in love with the right person, but right now, it feels impossible to even try...

How do you protect your peace when friends are hitting major milestones but you haven't been able to hit any? How do I open myself up to love when I'm already carrying so much emotionally and mentally?

I just feel so down about it right now. I try not to compare my life to my friends' lives, but they are all having so much fun. When do I get to have fun? 

It has been awhile (few years) since I was triggered like this, but after my ACOA meeting last night, I was really feeling shitty.

For starters, I'm a guy and I've lived in a state of isolation for most of my adult life, and I've also been unlucky at love. So last night, a couple of guys are sharing that they've been dating and how they've actually scored dates, and one date showed up completely plastered. That was the first thing.

Next, the guy next to me shared how he seems to attract narcissists, and how his ex-wife is one and is manipulating the kids against him. He then goes on about how awful the dating scene is, and shares that he is part of the MGTOW movement (Google if you don't know).

That hit a huge chord with me, because of how unsuccessful online dating has been with me, and how I understand (but completely do NOT condone) how men get sucked into the toxic manosphere.

I've see happy couples and families, and I now know what healthy ones are thanks to ACOA. And as a guy who has always wanted to be a husband and father and isn't, that shit HURTS. At my age, it's most likely not in the cards for me. I have family members who occasionally approach the subject with me, and it feels like tearing a huge scab off a big wound. Why love for everyone else but me?

My mother is a high functioning alcoholic. She can go weeks without a drink and then she will relapse. This has been happening for the past decade at the very least. 

I am a grown woman in my 30s, but I still have so much anxiety and sadness around this. I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t love me enough to get help and get better. She refuses help, has an overinflated ego and believes she can stop drinking on her own through sheer willpower. She is also depressed, pushing away those around her and is destroying her relationships at the speed of light. The entire situation is extremely depressing.

Where can I find help for something like this? If you are in my shoes and have sought out therapy, what type of therapist do you go to?

My mother is extremely controlling...and I'm almost 30. I do rebel and make my own choices, but there’s still this deeply ingrained guilt inside me that makes me question myself afterward.

Even when I know I’m not doing anything wrong, I start wondering, “Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I should have listened to her.” The way she reacts to my decisions makes me doubt myself, even when I was completely confident before she got involved... I want to make my own decisions without feeling like I need her approval first. She expects me to include her in basically every decision I make and gets irritated or angry when I don’t.

I know intellectually that I’m an adult and that I’m allowed to make my own choices. I think the difficult part is actually feeling that way internally after years of being made to feel like my decisions are wrong.

How do I gain that trust in myself?

Sorry, English isn’t my native language so there will be mistakes.

I’m 35 years old, ACoA. My parents gave me anxiety which I praise(for some reason) like it gives me any benefits. I often said something stupid like, -“Anxiety is bad but without it I wouldn’t be such a great specialist, because I double check everything and really care about the result”. And it always calmed me, like I really believed it and took it like it was some kind of a superpower. Lately, something changed.
For the last couple of years I’ve been struggling finding joy in anything that I loved before. Karaoke, music, my career, alcohol, friends etc. Every interaction with someone feels so annoying and heavy. I don’t want to talk but if I will be quiet they’ll ask me if I’m okay, and I’ll have to explain something even I don’t fully understand. And I know that it’s my depression episode. I shouldn’t get it even worse. So I’m forcing myself to communicate. I have a wife which is awesome. She was the only person I’ve never been tired of. And now even that is changing.

Im tired all the time physically, my back hurts, I can’t sleep at night. I just want to pause everything until I get better. But there are too many responsibilities I need to take care of. Sometimes I think of getting on an airplane and just go somewhere no one will find me so I could be not me.

The only time I feel calm is when I play video games like open worlds with a lot of question marks on map like assassin’s creed, I don’t even pay attention to the story, just doing side quests.

I kinda hate myself comparing to others. I know that everyone have their own struggles but it looks like they are dealing with them much better than me and it’s pathetic of me.

I’m writing this to let it out. Because the more I share it with my wife, the more I feel myself like burden to her.

Is there any other methods except using antidepressants to cure depression episodes?

I am venting here, sharing a letter I recently wrote to my Mom. I am a single 43-year old adult child who is estranged from my immediate family.

I was diagnosed ADHD in 2018. I was slow to accept the diagnosis and get medicated. When I did, my family accused me of playing the medical system to feed an adderall addiction. This was difficult because for my whole life, I had understood my older brother to have ADHD.

In 2020, I learned that my older brother was born with prenatal exposure to methamphetamine. This was a bombshell for me, because he is >20 years sober from Crystal meth. I thought he had ruined his life, when really he is a walking and talking miracle for how he has fought an addiction he was born with.

Turns out my parents’ belief that I was abusing adderall in my late 30’s and 40’s was a projection of what my mother did at this same age.

It has been a year since my older brother blocked me and got my parents to do the same + change the locks on the house because I insist we address elephants in the room (including a babysitter’s CSA of my brother and me) that continue to haunt our family.

I know how unlikely I am to receive a response.

I’m just venting here.

————

Hi Mom,

This might be hard to believe, but since I got into ACA in 2022, I have a constant vision of hugging you so tight, balling my eyes out, pressing my face in, and saying “I love you and I forgive you” the moment you stop lying to me.

In this vision, you are crying even harder and I do not even want to hear the words “I’m sorry.” In this vision, you’ve already said sorry with the admission.

I’ve been hurting for so long and I know you and Dad and ***** have been too. We’ve never once been able to hurt together in order to finally move through that feeling.

I accept that I am absolutely powerless to bring this vision about while you are still here and that I am set up to never see your beautiful smile again.

Because I do not need to.

I just want to.

And at this point in the vision, I just chuckle to myself as I hear your voice saying one of your trademark phrases: “tough titties!”

I love you Mom. It does not need to be like this. But if the titties must be tough, may the rear end be tender!

(I just made that up and don’t even know if it makes sense!)

I am currently in a family of 5 (My mum, dad, younger sister and younger brother) and my life up until recently has been great. ( my mother is great and has done so much for me and has mostly always supported me. I really do love her so this is why I’m so conflicted)

My mum has always loved alcohol, so much so that there was always a constant supply of the same cider and wine at my house for as long as I can remember. This has always negatively impacted my relationship with my mother even from a young age. I remember one time when I was around 8 and my little brother was like 6, we attended this party with my mum while my dad was doing somthing. At the end of the party my mom was drunk as shit and needed me, her 8 year old son to guide her out the party, help her throw up and walk her down the road to my dad who was picking us up. This was were the anxiety and fear of her being drunk came from. From that day I clearly remembered her slur and how easy it was for her to switch from happy to mad.

Luckily for me she only got really drunk on occasion but I can recall times where it has been way worse, and she would humiliate me when drunk or threaten me with things. About a month or two ago, every night my mum would reach that stage of not being drunk but being really tipsy. Enough that her voice would slur and she would flip easily.( idk why but her slurring brings me such anxiety) . And I’ve noticed that even when not drunk she is very angry and passive aggressive, often making backhanded comments or using things against me. I am honestly so done with it but am to scared to do anything or confront her as she often says me and my siblings are the reason she drinks so much. I am really so fucking done. I’m sick of being on edge and anxious all the time because she can’t control her drink. What do I do. ATP I’m just gonna suck it up till I’m old enough to move away.

My future feels bleak. I have no one in my family who can help me and I’m struggling to live alone. I have financial support but that is it. It feels like I struggle with everything, I have no clue how to live, maintain an apartment, get employment, or seek opportunities as a student. On top of everything being emotionally draining with FASD I have narcolepsy so just doomscrolling all day exhausts me. Are there any resources or guides for how to support yourself when you need someone else to support you, but they aren’t there? I am so alone, lost, and confused.

I 45/F am apart of a toxic family dynamic with decades of dysfunction within the family system. My mum is currently dying of cancer.

For quick context - i was in court with my mother 5 years ago and we were all estranged as a result. This is decades of trauma back story. My brother sided with my mother and to this day punishes me harshly with aggressive and scary behaviour. he refuses to budge and his hatred of me is extreme. The tension is to thick you could cut the air with a knife along with the unresolved issues and refusal to discuss the pink elephant. I am the forever scapegoat and I can't exhaust myself anymore begging for acknowledgement

The deep shame and pain i feel is intense despite being the one who was harmed and including the pain of what happened never being resolved or acknowledged that i've continued to try and let go. But now she is dying its all come up again. Every toxic family dynamic that has been in formation over my life is at a peak. and here i am coping with alcohol again. i was 7 years sober , then 2, then another. i since court i haven't been able to let go of alcohol "for good" since. it's always been by my side as an option and the door is open for those days when i can't cope. it's dangerous and my wise mind knows it leads no where good. i eventually reach the cycle of daily drinking and the addiction can form again quickly. I fear i'm at the point after the week i have had. But also can't cope with the emotional pain in become flooded with despite so much effort learning how to regulate. I guess i wanted somewhere to share this. I don't want people to say go to AA. That modality once worked for me but now i find after therapy and parts work etc it is focused so much on the behaviour rather than what's driving it underneath. But i do want this behaviour to stop. I'm not sure where to turn and reach to. i have friends in AA and if ever bring it up with them im slapped with the good old AA language and it feels invalidating. Has anyone in ACOA after long term sobriety been in this situation ? and what has helped you to address the addiction again? Just sharing this is helping. I honestly not sure i'm ready or even want to completely give it up right now which has been the case for the past five years. But i'm also very aware of what can happen. I guess i'm at a crossroads. Not wanting the pattern to begin again, and not knowing what to do with this enormous baggage of pain.

Complicated grief is difficult. losing a mother who both harmed and loved me is not easy. The love and harm caused is hard to hold despite both existing. I know both can be true at once and i try to work on this. I have a deep love for her and yearning for her live and at the same time she harmed me and hurt me deeply. I don't know how to hold all this in her final time. I'm already rehearsing in my mind how the funeral will unfold and how things will be after. I've imagined my brother abusing me again and my father refusing to see him as anything other than his golden boy.

I should stop writing. I'm not sure if this post is about my concern for drinking or my need to be held right now and that unmet need.

if you read this. thanks