r/AdultChildren

This is my second time posting here. My dad is currently in a rehab facility and has been there since the end of March. Recently he messaged me and my sister telling us he is tired of being there and that it’s like a boot camp. He gets a little bit of social security but other than that he has no income. He lost his license due to DUIs and has expressed he doesn’t want to drive anyway. He owns nothing. I suggested he could apply for low income housing and he refuses because it’s “unsafe”. I don’t know what to do. I finally got my own apartment by myself in march but I don’t want him here as selfish as that is. Before he went in to rehab he was trying to emotionally manipulate me to allow him to come and stay and it hurts so bad. How do you help without allowing them into your space? I’m struggling mentally because I feel like I’m being hateful and that I will be the reason he is homeless if he leaves the facility because I know it’s in his mind that I am living on my own now and he can just come here. I’m 34 and he’s been an alcoholic my entire life. I’m mad because I feel like he could have had a much better life if he would have put down the bottle. I’m tired of the emotional ups and downs. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I set boundaries. Idk. I’m spiraling again.

Context of what I’m saying.

My mother is addicted to pain pills. She has been for at least the last 15 to 18 years. Her brain is practically mush. She lives on disability and SSI and I’ve told her multiple times over and over again to apply for low income housing and she’s always like oh well that’s gonna take years. OK well when I told you to do it, you refuse to do it and now it’s been multiple years and you could’ve had a place now and she lives with me.

What I’m trying to say is, I have struggled with painkillers now because of her for at least the past 10 years up down high lows, trying to get off of them with your mother who lives with you who is prescribed them by the boatload and has surgeries every fucking time you turn around so she’s never hardly ever out a medicine, it makes it hard for me to get clean and stay clean!

So how do you get out? Anybody know what I’m talking about?

Broken

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I was constantly yelled at, beat, and manipulated by my single mother it made me become a shell of a human.

In school I didn’t have many friends. I lived in ny until I was 11 and I went to school with who looked like me and shared my West Indian background but then we moved to Virginia where I was the only student in the class who looked like me. It was easy to relate and make friends in ny but I struggled in Virginia.

I went away to school no one in my family went to college I was just told it was something I had to but I didn’t exactly know what I was doing so I did majored in communications. The major my advisor suggested and I never changed it.

I faired well in college. I made friends. I was away from my mom who I felt I had been a burden to and now she was wanting to talk to me all the time and asking why I never called.

I graduated got my first state job and then was climbed the ladder to becoming a CoS. My last job was very toxic. I was the black person in a room of white leaders and I was made to be seen an not heard. I was the diversity hire. After shutting down and falling in line with how they were treating me. I was threatened with a performance improvement plan or work at the agency for a few more months and then leave. I chose to formally leave 2 days later. Regardless of how I was treated I felt like a failure.

A friend of mine was building out his office and recommended me to be his chief. The dynamic of being his friend didn’t work well with the role. He put me in another role to put a layer between us and hired a new chief. My office respected me but I feel like this new chief is going to take the office to new heights. I feel like I wasted my friends time. I feel like I failed to succeed the second time in this role. I lost my parking spot, office, and title. I’m now working at a desk not a cubicle in a communal space. I feel displaced. My friend/boss wants me to acknowledge the move as lateral but it hard to look at it that way. I feel like I failed again. I know longer know what to do with my career.

I’m turning 36, single, have never been in a relationship, lonely, and feel lost with no backup plan. In many ways, all of it traces back to my upbringing.

Today I cried in front of the new chief of staff. Everything was coming to a head. I’ve been crying for days now.

I’ve tried therapy. I’m on medicine. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I wish I could’ve been loved right.

I’m tired.

I was sitting in the car today waiting for my mom and just people-watching. There were teenagers and kids talking and laughing with their parents, just normal everyday stuff. But it hit me harder than I expected. I know you can’t judge a whole relationship from a few seconds, but it made me realize I’ve never really had that kind of connection with mine. There weren’t easy or fun conversations. Most of the time they were talking and I was just there listening. That was the dynamic.

It made me so sad I felt like crying. And now that I’m older, I keep thinking I would never treat a child or teenager the way I was treated. It’s hard for me to believe that was their “best.” Thinking about it honestly makes me feel sick. At the same time, they do try more now, but it feels late. Like you can’t really go back and fix something like that once it’s already shaped you. You don’t get a second childhood.

I also feel this weird nostalgia for something I never even had. And I realized I’m not a teenager anymore, that part of life is gone for me, and I didn’t even really get to experience it properly.

I’m just venting, honestly. I just want to know if other people have felt this too. If this is something others go through and how you deal with it.

Because even though those memories weren’t good at all, financially things were unstable, mentally it wasn’t great either, I still felt happy in a way. I think it’s because I didn’t fully understand what was happening back then. Now I’m in a better situation in many ways, but I still feel like I lost something important I can’t really get back.

I lived in hell with a drug addict mother and drug addict older sister in a dilapidated trailer. When i was finally able to leave, I had never known such peace. The sense of relief was consuming.
If you are living with an addict family. Please focus on yourself. Go to school, go to work, meditate. Be physically away from it as much as possible (NOT at parties). Use them as an example to NEVER do what they do (i know to this day to never try coke cuz I’m sure I would love it). Work on yourself, be proud of yourself for not being an addict. Fantasize about getting away from it. Get a job that can get you away and do that. Get away as fast as you can.

I paid for about 1/4 of my college edu with fafsa cuz my parents were food stamp poor. As soon as I got my nursing degree, I dipped out. I’ve never felt such peace. It will still haunt you, but it’s not your entire life.

My mom had a debilitating stroke a year ago. Bed bound with difficulty talking. She keeps saying that she hates her life and wishes she was dead. If she had the capability to kill herself she would. Before she had the stroke she was a drug addict (crack and heroin). Last few months before her stroke she said she was ready to die and just didn’t give a fuck. She said she wanted to be with her (dead) son and parents. She’s in a shitty medicaid nursing home now. I try to make her life better (taking her out a lot, buying her whatever she wants). I wish she could just do all the drugs she wanted and die. She was expecting to die, not become severely disabled.

one thing that will ALWAYS piss me off are the stupid TikTok trends of people posting their coffees, colouring or other hobbies and interests and say its an ‘addiction’

listen, addiction can come in many forms and i will always be grateful to hear about them and offer my perspective, but damn some of these things are ridiculous. colouring didn’t break up your family, coffee didn’t give you emotional trauma and baggage from the moment you were conscious, ‘matcha’ didn’t make your 12 year old self question if you would ever escape from endless loops of guilt and frustration. (yes caffeine can be an addiction if its serious) but be so fucking for real you have 1 caramel frappe every morning on your way to school. 😭😭

this cant just be me who hates this, maybe i’m too woke but it genuinely feels like that one skit of the girl who had an addiction to twerking lmfaooo.

Both my parents were alcoholics my whole life. My father has already died of his alcoholism. My mother is still a daily drinker.

We were quite socially isolated growing up. My parents had few friends and both were mostly estranged from extended family, so we basically had no healthy adults or role models around to see that our family wasn't normal.

I can see now this is because my parents in their pathetic insecurity wanted to convince at least their children that their miserable way of living was normal. We were actively encouraged to take up drinking at a young age, and binge drinking in our teen years was enabled and treated like it was totally normal and ok. In our culture that just makes you popular and cool as a teen and young adult, so there was no feedback on how problematic and dangerous it was. I legitimately thought everyone continually drinks all evening after work every day. I was well unto adulthood (and alcoholism) before I learned, through living with others, that daily drinking isn't normal. And it was only when I tried to stop that I realised my parents' sickness had been passed onto me.

All my siblings are alcoholics now, and my mother continues to enable them. I have struggled with it but chosen sobriety which will probably remain a lifelong struggle. I live with the constant fear of falling back into drinking. Still, every time I visit my mother she offers me a drink.

They literally groomed their own children into alcoholism to normalize and feel better about their own shitty behaviour. Alcoholism makes people into monsters. All alcoholics do is hurt people. I'm glad my father died.

I'm so angry.

I am 16, and like many 16 year olds (who are in a place where they can drink legally) drink on occasion. I have found that 2-3 beers at a party or with friends an family can make a social event more fun. But I really worry considering my genes. Of course, I’m responsible and don’t ever get like blackout drunk, but my family has a history of alcoholism.

My mother was an alcoholic, as well as my grandfather, and in general my family is predisposed to alcoholism. I do not want to do the same things to my family. It ruined many of her relationships and permanently damaged her, despite being sober.

My question is, how do you make the decision whether to drink or not? Should I fear alcohol? Is it still safe in moderation if my genes are predisposed to substance abuse? I don’t want to give it power, and while I think I can control it, my mother didn’t drink until her 20s, and only started being an alcoholic when her dad died in her 30s.

How do I approach it? While I know I shouldn’t, I can see how alcohol can be good in social situations and I enjoy it in moderation. Theres no concrete answer, I know, but please let me know your experience or any advice you might have. Thanks.

You can not heal a wound by cleaning the blade.
Their healing is not yours.
You are under no obligation to love or forgive somebody because they fixed their problems.

There are 2 things about addiction recovery. 1: It's internal to the addict. Clearing a gambling addiction does not clear up any debt or unspent a partner's life savings.
2: It does not inherently require reflection on or redemption of any other character traits. A sober abuser is still an abuser.
what this means is that none of the issues they caused you have gone away and that they are still capable of causing more.

My mother got sober. My family acted like that meant I should let her back into my life and forgive her entirely.
I tried. she still hurt me, she still broke my boundaries constantly and demanded I praise her. she kept traumatizing me.

You can not heal from trauma while being traumatized any more than you can heal a burn wound while on fire.
You can appreciate their effort but you do not need to welcome them into your life. You can ask for distance and if they can not respect that then they haven't really changed.

I turn 23 on Thursday, and I’m realizing that my only personality is making people happy. My dad is verbally and emotionally abusive, and also a drug addict. My mom is emotionally neglectful, and has used me as a second parent for my siblings my entire life.

I was guilt tripped out of going to college far away, and then forced to major in something I didn’t want to do. I ended up dropping out. For the past 2 years, I was in a relationship with an abusive guy, and truly believed I deserved the abuse.

Now, my people pleasing traits have gotten so much worse. I actually cannot let myself want anything. Even when trying to plan my birthday dinner/ cake, my answer to my mom was “whatever you want/is easier for you”. I am incapable of putting myself first. I do so much for my parents to make them happy and make their lives easier, yet they still tell me they hate me and everything is my fault.

I have no friends due to not being able to open up emotionally, express my feelings, or feel like i deserve kindness and friendship. I’m in therapy, but I still can’t stop being the girl who does everything for everyone else. I’ve suppressed myself and my real personality for so long I don’t even know who I am anymore, or what I want out of life. Sometimes I feel like the best option for my future is having my super religious grandparents set me up with a man from their church, so I cab be a stay at home wife/mom, and just do whatever he wants and needs, so I never have to think about myself.

I am miserable living like this, but I can’t stop.

My mother is a definition sociopath and severe alcoholic. She always used to make fun of me for not having a boyfriend. Then I entered my very first relationship, had my first kiss, first love & all that, with this boy in my class. We dated for about a year, and were still.. involved~ for a few years after we broke up.

Now, at age 28, i recently found out that my mom literally got him very drunk and fcked him. After so long making fun of me for not having a boyfriend, she took the very first relationship I had.

It really messes with my head because I thought she loved me at least back then.. I thought she was my best friend until I was 23. Im just now realizing how much she's always wanted to hurt me.. And the fact that the kid was barely 17 and she was 48, then looking back on all the weird things she would say to/about my friends as a kid... fck

​

Im in my 60s

My mom had 4 siblings. 3 of them had probably 5 children.

On Christmas there were family gatherings with lots of cousins.

As a kid, I was already living in shock (dissociation). My mom would go off on me with a belt. Welts on my legs and sometimes arms. Why? I didn't know. This occurred until I was maybe 15. I put up my hands and said, no.

So, I really live in a fog during those gatherings.

No one knew.

I did not understand until I was 50 that I was dealing w CPTSD. The last few years I began improving.

My mom was Jekyll and Hyde. I began to understand that things probably happened to her growing up (her mom was bitter).  No excuse. But, I was able to work through some things, and before she died a few years ago, I really could say I had developed a bit of a relationship and love for her.

Anyhow, there's a cousin that had asked several times to get some lunch in the past. Remembers those "good times".

I put him off.

I think that now I want to.

Basically to say that it wasn't him, but I don't see a way not to say what it's been.

Trying to think of something generic, obscure, but truthful.

"Growing up for me was pretty rough. I developed some serious PTSD, and I am finally seeing some signs of recovery. I lived life in a fog, and I really don't remember much of those times. So, how are you?"

Edit I have had to work through a bit of grief over how my mom's actions many years ago have robbed me of a simple thing like getting lunch with a cousin.

​

I am 17(F) and my father is an alcoholic. Being his daughter honestly feels like a curse sometimes. He verbally abuses me , talks to me with no respect, and treats us like we are nothing. He always threatens to stop paying for my education whenever there’s an argument.

I recently passed 12th with 85% and I really want to pursue CA, but he didn’t even congratulate me once. Instead, he keeps making me feel guilty about money even though it’s not like we are struggling financially(he earns nearly 1 lakh per month). He is very self centred only thinks about him self and has a lot of ego

Seeing healthy father-daughter relationships hurts me so much because I keep wondering why mine could never be like that. I am so tired mentally. Sometimes I feel like giving up on my dreams because living in this environment is exhausting.

Hello. This is a very personal post. First, I want to apologize. English is not my first language. Also, sorry for the long post.

So… I’m worried about my dad (66 years old) and I really don’t know what to do. For context, my mom (63 years old) died in November - she wasn’t sick and it was kind of a shock for all of us. I am still pretty young (F31) and I’m still trying to figure things out. But the issues I’m going to address about my father started prior to my mother passing.

I left home when I was 22, after finishing college, and went to live abroad, in another country, with my boyfriend. It was a work-related decision and I don’t regret it. My parents have always been upper-middle class. I grew up in a big suburban house. My dad is a university teacher and he’s well known and recognised in his field. The issue is, my father has always drunk alcohol. A little bit. Nothing to worry about, but it was something that… Well, it happened. When I left home, it got worse. They stopped cooking and cleaning, started ordering out, stopped living a normal family life. Each time I went home, I noticed that the house was poorly maintained, that there was a lot of junk food, that my father went to the pub several times a week, and that my mother didn’t walk more than 100 steps a day (she worked from home). It got worse and worse. The two of them were big smokers too.

The years passed and my dad had cancer. He survived. At first, he talked about how he was going to take care of himself. My mother too. They didn’t.

Fast forward to now, my mom died. My dad rented a big apartment in the city center and my sister, who was struggling financially, moved in with him. I thought it would be nice, they could take care of each other during these tough times. My dad hasn’t sold the house yet - he likes to spend the weekends there. My sister noticed that my dad drinks a lot. I told her that it was no surprise for me. She told me that he spends the afternoons at the pubs, and even passes out. She’s worried, and I understand it. I know for a fact that on the weekend, when he’s alone at the house, he drinks a lot. I’ve called many times and he was very, very drunk. Again, this was a problem before my mom died, but it is worse now.

This week, my dad came to my city for a visit. He stayed a week with me and my (now) husband. Well, let me tell you that he has been interesting. First of all, he hasn’t drunk a lot. Only a few glasses of wine, throughout the week, with dinner. But he has showered only once (!!!!), despite all my suggestions. And I strongly believe that he hasn’t brushed his teeth even once. It’s like he’s not concerned about it. He’s very apathetic in general. He smokes like two packs of cigarettes a day.

I believe that he hasn’t drunk a lot because he was at my home, but I suspect that he will start doing it again back home.

So, I need your advice. Should my sister and I confront him? Maybe a therapist or rehab would be a good idea? He doesn’t think that he has a problem at all.

To end, I wanted to clarify that those problems started years before my mother passed away. Her death has only made things worse and maybe a little more evident. It’s not only the drinking issue, but also the hygiene and the lack of… I don’t know, motivation. His mind works fine, and he’s motivated about everything concerning his job. But normal life seems so complicated for him.

Sorry if this text isn’t well written. I did my best. Thanks everyone.

*I haven’t spoken to my dad in 6 years I feel guilty.

My dad and I have a complicated relationship. I’ve never questioned that my dad loves me but he was physically abusive when I was really little and emotionally abusive throughout the rest of my childhood. For context I’m Vietnamese.

Now I’m 26 and my dad is 63, he hasn’t been abusive in a very long long time but we haven’t spoke in over 6 years despite the fact that he lives with my mom and my brother (he also doesn’t talk to my dad). I’m not down playing the abuse we endured from him but I find it hard to keep being mad at him. He’s a chronic smoker, he’s aging, and he often shows how much he cares even if I don’t speak to him. A part of my wants to just forgive and let it go but this has been a pattern in the past where my brother or I let it go and we regret it down the line.

I’m not sure what to do but I’ve been home with my family for months now and I don’t know something just feels different. I want to let it go but I also want to protect myself. I don’t know how to feel but as time goes on I’m also conscious of his feelings and how he must also feel being near his adult children but not really having a relationship with them.

So I live with my alcoholic mother, Im 27M with no job, all my friends are gone and my sibling is no help either. She quit for a year and a half and it was so nice, she became my primary support and only person id really talk to all day. However, in February she relapsed and then did it again these past 2 weeks. I have been in a really rough spot, so the panic attacks and intense anger came back and feeling like the world is ending bc the only person I talk to is now becoming emotionally absent and abusive again. It was a very scary weekend.

My therapist kept recommending al anon for me, saying how thats how id find support and people to be there for me. I never went, but today I checked out an online meeting and it was ok. Like I did share and stayed the whole meeting, but idk it didnt seem like a place where I would receive support, like we just shared and then the next person, then the next, until the end where it just ends. Im just confused bc where is the support supposed to be?

Did anyone else lose their childhood without one specific reason?

I've been trying to put this into words for a while now.
I wasn't the oldest sibling. Nobody assigned me a role. But somewhere around age 7 or 8, I just... stopped being a kid. Not dramatically. Not all at once. Just slowly, quietly, the way you don't notice something disappearing until it's already gone.
I became the child who needed nothing. Who was always fine. Who learned to read every room before even walking into it fully. And everyone around me called it maturity. It took me years to realise it was just survival.
I made a short video about it because I couldn't find many people talking about this specific experience. Not the parentified child, not the eldest daughter, just the kid who grew up too fast because life quietly asked too much.
Has anyone else felt this? Would love to know I'm not alone in this.

https://youtu.be/Ia6Q2P\_HRSE

“Some people deserve the title “dad” more than others.

My little sister’s father used to try to get my older brother, older sister, and me to call him dad too. Even as kids, something in me rejected it. I couldn’t explain it back then, but I knew he wasn’t safe.

Years later, it turns out that instinct wasn’t wrong.

He’s now facing charges involving his wife’s oldest daughter. She’s technically an adult, but mentally vulnerable, and he knew exactly that. He preyed on it.

What messes with me the most is realizing kids can sometimes feel evil in a person long before they can explain it out loud.

I just remember thinking:
‘No. You are not my dad.’”