My father’s alcohol use and self-neglect — I don’t know what to do
Hello. This is a very personal post. First, I want to apologize. English is not my first language. Also, sorry for the long post.
So… I’m worried about my dad (66 years old) and I really don’t know what to do. For context, my mom (63 years old) died in November - she wasn’t sick and it was kind of a shock for all of us. I am still pretty young (F31) and I’m still trying to figure things out. But the issues I’m going to address about my father started prior to my mother passing.
I left home when I was 22, after finishing college, and went to live abroad, in another country, with my boyfriend. It was a work-related decision and I don’t regret it. My parents have always been upper-middle class. I grew up in a big suburban house. My dad is a university teacher and he’s well known and recognised in his field. The issue is, my father has always drunk alcohol. A little bit. Nothing to worry about, but it was something that… Well, it happened. When I left home, it got worse. They stopped cooking and cleaning, started ordering out, stopped living a normal family life. Each time I went home, I noticed that the house was poorly maintained, that there was a lot of junk food, that my father went to the pub several times a week, and that my mother didn’t walk more than 100 steps a day (she worked from home). It got worse and worse. The two of them were big smokers too.
The years passed and my dad had cancer. He survived. At first, he talked about how he was going to take care of himself. My mother too. They didn’t.
Fast forward to now, my mom died. My dad rented a big apartment in the city center and my sister, who was struggling financially, moved in with him. I thought it would be nice, they could take care of each other during these tough times. My dad hasn’t sold the house yet - he likes to spend the weekends there. My sister noticed that my dad drinks a lot. I told her that it was no surprise for me. She told me that he spends the afternoons at the pubs, and even passes out. She’s worried, and I understand it. I know for a fact that on the weekend, when he’s alone at the house, he drinks a lot. I’ve called many times and he was very, very drunk. Again, this was a problem before my mom died, but it is worse now.
This week, my dad came to my city for a visit. He stayed a week with me and my (now) husband. Well, let me tell you that he has been interesting. First of all, he hasn’t drunk a lot. Only a few glasses of wine, throughout the week, with dinner. But he has showered only once (!!!!), despite all my suggestions. And I strongly believe that he hasn’t brushed his teeth even once. It’s like he’s not concerned about it. He’s very apathetic in general. He smokes like two packs of cigarettes a day.
I believe that he hasn’t drunk a lot because he was at my home, but I suspect that he will start doing it again back home.
So, I need your advice. Should my sister and I confront him? Maybe a therapist or rehab would be a good idea? He doesn’t think that he has a problem at all.
To end, I wanted to clarify that those problems started years before my mother passed away. Her death has only made things worse and maybe a little more evident. It’s not only the drinking issue, but also the hygiene and the lack of… I don’t know, motivation. His mind works fine, and he’s motivated about everything concerning his job. But normal life seems so complicated for him.
Sorry if this text isn’t well written. I did my best. Thanks everyone.