I have no personality
I turn 23 on Thursday, and I’m realizing that my only personality is making people happy. My dad is verbally and emotionally abusive, and also a drug addict. My mom is emotionally neglectful, and has used me as a second parent for my siblings my entire life.
I was guilt tripped out of going to college far away, and then forced to major in something I didn’t want to do. I ended up dropping out. For the past 2 years, I was in a relationship with an abusive guy, and truly believed I deserved the abuse.
Now, my people pleasing traits have gotten so much worse. I actually cannot let myself want anything. Even when trying to plan my birthday dinner/ cake, my answer to my mom was “whatever you want/is easier for you”. I am incapable of putting myself first. I do so much for my parents to make them happy and make their lives easier, yet they still tell me they hate me and everything is my fault.
I have no friends due to not being able to open up emotionally, express my feelings, or feel like i deserve kindness and friendship. I’m in therapy, but I still can’t stop being the girl who does everything for everyone else. I’ve suppressed myself and my real personality for so long I don’t even know who I am anymore, or what I want out of life. Sometimes I feel like the best option for my future is having my super religious grandparents set me up with a man from their church, so I cab be a stay at home wife/mom, and just do whatever he wants and needs, so I never have to think about myself.
I am miserable living like this, but I can’t stop.