u/Queasy-Low-8446

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I was constantly yelled at, beat, and manipulated by my single mother it made me become a shell of a human.

In school I didn’t have many friends. I lived in ny until I was 11 and I went to school with who looked like me and shared my West Indian background but then we moved to Virginia where I was the only student in the class who looked like me. It was easy to relate and make friends in ny but I struggled in Virginia.

I went away to school no one in my family went to college I was just told it was something I had to but I didn’t exactly know what I was doing so I did majored in communications. The major my advisor suggested and I never changed it.

I faired well in college. I made friends. I was away from my mom who I felt I had been a burden to and now she was wanting to talk to me all the time and asking why I never called.

I graduated got my first state job and then was climbed the ladder to becoming a CoS. My last job was very toxic. I was the black person in a room of white leaders and I was made to be seen an not heard. I was the diversity hire. After shutting down and falling in line with how they were treating me. I was threatened with a performance improvement plan or work at the agency for a few more months and then leave. I chose to formally leave 2 days later. Regardless of how I was treated I felt like a failure.

A friend of mine was building out his office and recommended me to be his chief. The dynamic of being his friend didn’t work well with the role. He put me in another role to put a layer between us and hired a new chief. My office respected me but I feel like this new chief is going to take the office to new heights. I feel like I wasted my friends time. I feel like I failed to succeed the second time in this role. I lost my parking spot, office, and title. I’m now working at a desk not a cubicle in a communal space. I feel displaced. My friend/boss wants me to acknowledge the move as lateral but it hard to look at it that way. I feel like I failed again. I know longer know what to do with my career.

I’m turning 36, single, have never been in a relationship, lonely, and feel lost with no backup plan. In many ways, all of it traces back to my upbringing.

Today I cried in front of the new chief of staff. Everything was coming to a head. I’ve been crying for days now.

I’ve tried therapy. I’m on medicine. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I wish I could’ve been loved right.

I’m tired.

Broken

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I was constantly yelled at, beat, and manipulated by my single mother it made me become a shell of a human.

In school I didn’t have many friends. I lived in ny until I was 11 and I went to school with who looked like me and shared my West Indian background but then we moved to Virginia where I was the only student in the class who looked like me. It was easy to relate and make friends in ny but I struggled in Virginia.

I went away to school no one in my family went to college I was just told it was something I had to but I didn’t exactly know what I was doing so I did majored in communications. The major my advisor suggested and I never changed it.

I faired well in college. I made friends. I was away from my mom who I felt I had been a burden to and now she was wanting to talk to me all the time and asking why I never called.

I graduated got my first state job and then was climbed the ladder to becoming a CoS. My last job was very toxic. I was the black person in a room of white leaders and I was made to be seen an not heard. I was the diversity hire. After shutting down and falling in line with how they were treating me. I was threatened with a performance improvement plan or work at the agency for a few more months and then leave. I chose to formally leave 2 days later. Regardless of how I was treated I felt like a failure.

A friend of mine was building out his office and recommended me to be his chief. The dynamic of being his friend didn’t work well with the role. He put me in another role to put a layer between us and hired a new chief. My office respected me but I feel like this new chief is going to take the office to new heights. I feel like I wasted my friends time. I feel like I failed to succeed the second time in this role. I lost my parking spot, office, and title. I’m now working at a desk not a cubicle in a communal space. I feel displaced. My friend/boss wants me to acknowledge the move as lateral but it hard to look at it that way. I feel like I failed again. I know longer know what to do with my career.

I’m turning 36, single, have never been in a relationship, lonely, and feel lost with no backup plan. In many ways, all of it traces back to my upbringing.

Today I cried in front of the new chief of staff. Everything was coming to a head. I’ve been crying for days now.

I’ve tried therapy. I’m on medicine. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I wish I could’ve been loved right.

I’m tired.

I think I’m in love with my boss.

We met in 2018 when we worked in different offices. We became friends pretty quickly, and after about a year I admitted over text that I had a crush on him. But before I sent that text, there was this one time I had invited him over to hang out, or at least that’s what I thought it was. At some point he tried to mess around with me, but I stopped him because I didn’t want to have casual sex with him. I liked him too much for that. He stopped and never tried anything again for years.

We continued hanging out after that. I’d go over to his place sometimes, fully prepared for something to happen if he wanted it to, but he never tried.

After I eventually told him I liked him, he never responded to the text. He just carried on like he never saw it. I was embarrassed and fully prepared to never speak to him again, but he kept calling, texting, and showing up like nothing had changed.

At one point, someone asked him about me and he said, “We’re great friends and I don’t want to mess that up.”

Whenever I got frustrated by his lack of interest, I’d ignore his calls and texts, but he always found a way back and would ask where I’d been.

Over the years, he got to know my family, and I got to know his. Eventually he took a job in another city, and I threw him a going away party. At the end of the night, he kissed me on the cheek and told me he loved me. I didn’t think much of it I assumed he was just being sentimental.

Then later that night, around midnight, he called and asked if he could come over. We slept together for the first time. A few months later, it happened again, and then eventually life pulled us in different directions. We lost touch for a while outside of occasional check ins.

Even while we weren’t close, he still recommended me for two major jobs over the years. The most recent one became an incredibly toxic and mentally exhausting situation, and when I needed a way out, he hired me to work in his office.

Now I see him every day, and honestly, it’s a lot.

To be honest, when he first proposed the idea of me working in his office, I wasn’t happy about it, and he could tell. Initially, we had talked more about him helping me transition into a different office altogether, which I would have preferred. But at the time I didn’t feel like I had many options, and I needed to get out of the situation I was in.

We’ve both stayed professional and neither of us has crossed the line, but all of my feelings for him came flooding back, stronger than before. We’re older now, and there’s something more intentional about the way he treats me. When he talks about us, he says “we” in a way that almost sounds like he pictures a future. But I also feel like a part of me is being delusional.

Last week he casually asked, “If I moved back to my old city, would you come with me?” I immediately said yes. I still don’t know whether he meant for work or something more.

Recently, during a meeting about my progress at work, I told him he can be difficult to work with sometimes. He smiled and said, “You know it’s all out of love, right?” He’s super smart he’s already accomplished so much in his career and he’s no where near where he wants to be. In a way I viewed that statement as him just being a mentor to me so I can also be successful in my career.

Without even thinking, I quietly told him I loved him too. I don’t know if he heard me.

Part of me wants to finally ask him if there could ever really be an “us” so I can stop living in this in between and either move forward or let it go.

Any advice would be much appreciated.