r/AsianParentStories

I am 20 right now and I need an honest sanity check from parents: Am I a terrible son for planning to secretly leave home at 22 to escape an arranged marriage?

I really need an honest, unbiased perspective from parents and mature adults. In 18 months, when I graduate from university at age 22, I plan to quietly pack my life into a few bags, move into an apartment I am secretly saving up for, and leave a detailed letter behind on my bed. I am not doing this to be rebellious, to party, or to cut my family off. I am doing it because it feels like the only way to save my own life and future without destroying my mental health.

Parents' Perspective & Family Context • I am the youngest of 6 children (my eldest sibling is 42). My parents act out of deep tradition, a desire to secure my future, and genuine love. They constantly go out of their way for me, which makes the guilt so brutal—they aren't monsters, but their love is strictly conditional on total obedience regarding marriage. Processing the guilt of hurting people who love me is the absolute hardest part of this. My five older siblings all had traditional arranged marriages without any conflict. • My parents have a strong support system at home—multiple adult siblings live nearby or visit daily, alongside nieces and nephews whom I deeply love.

The Cultural Stakes We live in a very tight-knit, closed society. An arrangement was made four years ago with an uncle back home. The prospective bride’s family has been waiting for my graduation. Breaking this arrangement risks significant social stigma and reputational damage for her family in our community. How I Got Trapped at 18 • When my parents first brought it up, I said a clear, firm "no" repeatedly for 6 months to 5 different family members. • After a trip to our home country, my father asked me again late at night. Exhausted, overwhelmed, and in pure disbelief that my "no" was being ignored again, I just smiled. My father took that silent smile as agreement and confirmed the marriage with her family. • When I protested ("I never said yes"), I was told "it's too late, we already told them." After six months of relentless family lectures and voice notes, I eventually surrendered out of sheer emotional exhaustion. That final verbal yield at 18 was purely a survival response to keep the peace and stop the endless conflict—it was a complete emotional breakdown under pressure, not a genuine choice.

Current Situation & My Plan at 22 • Things at home are quieter now, though subtle control and expectations remain (e.g., tracking my university schedule via WhatsApp, expecting attendance at 3-day non-mandatory monthly religious events). We mostly live parallel lives. • I am working part-time alongside full-time university to save enough money to move out the moment I graduate.

• Why Living in Secrecy is Necessary: This is not for "fun" or freedom. Because our community is extremely tight-knit and pervasive, I will have to live very secretly afterward. I am genuinely scared of what my family or community might do if they find where I live.

• No Option to Move Back: In my traditional family and community, executing a secret move-out will permanently burn the bridge. There is no option to "try it out and come back." It is a complete point of no return. • Why Not Talk Face-to-Face? Past experience proved that speaking up in person leads to months-long pressure campaigns that completely dismantle my boundaries. Leaving quietly with a signed lease is the only way I know my choice will survive contact with the family. • My letter will keep the door open for phone calls, visits, and a loving relationship—provided there is no pressure to move back, track my location, or go through with the marriage.

My Questions for Parents & Experienced Adults

1. From a parent's perspective, am I being selfish or a bad son for choosing to leave secretly at 22 rather than trying to "talk it out" again, when talking face-to-face has never worked for me?
2. Given the tight-knit nature of our society, my fear of being tracked down, and the fact that my parents have extensive family support at home, is this extreme choice understandable as self-preservation?

EDIT : I do love my family a lot , and they do love me Aswell and they go out of their way for me sometimes , they are not abusive parents . That's why I feel so guilty doing this . 😔

I’m 30F and in a few days, I’ll be moving out.

Yes, a bit late but better late than never.

Why I’m moving out:

I asked my mum to knock on my bedroom door. Not only does she refuse to do this, but if the door is locked, she’ll actively unlock it.

If I’m having dinner with friends and get home at 10pm, I’m “loafing at night”. How dare I not be home at 6pm?

If I’m out a few nights in a row, there’s grumbling.

She’s severely mentally ill. She once said she thought she was having a heart attack and thought she would be dead by morning. What does she do, call an ambulance? How silly! That would be embarrassing! She goes to bed, so we can find her body in the morning.

If I even step outside, it’s where are you going? When are you coming home?

She’ll call 12 times in a row.

I just realised, I’m 30. How silly of me to actually be out at night and stressing about coming home late because of what my parents will say.

If you let them take your youth and freedom away, you’ll regret it!

My sister is 20 years old, we come from a Muslim Pakistani immigrant household and my parents are very traditional. My sister told me she is not Muslim, she is lesbian and hates this family. She plans on leaving next year and cutting contact with everyone except me. The problem is that my parents may become extremely strict towards me.
My parents currently blame university for corrupting her and making her disrespectful but the problem is that I start university the same year that she will leave and it’s the same university she currently commutes to, they could potentially not allow me to attend university although I will be commuting.
I will not be considering moving out because I cannot afford it and I currently have a good relationship with my parents.
What do I do in this situation?

This is not a way to live. I’m 21 and I have never:

• Done extracurriculars/school clubs (not allowed)

• Had a sleepover (not allowed)

• Went to homecoming or prom (not allowed)

• Been to the beach. Or been to a forest for that matter. Or gone camping.

• Rarely leave my city. We never go anywhere at all, not even to other cities, let alone other states. I stay at home most of the time and if I leave the house it’s go to with my mom to Kohl’s or Target or whatever. I live in a sleepy suburb. I’ve never explored other cities in my state that actually have things to do and places to go.

• Rarely have been to restaurants. My dad doesn’t like eating out and my mom is stay at home with no income. The first time I‘ve ever been to a sit down restaurant was Olive Garden when I was 18 with friends. I was so clumsy because I didn’t know what to do with some things. That and Applebee’s are the only sit-down restaurants I’ve been to.

• Never dormed at university (Not allowed and this makes me sad because teenage me thought I would dorm at college and be free. Nope. You’re still stuck at home at 21).

• Don’t have my drivers license (Just now starting to learn driving)

• Never had a job

I barely have any friends. One is long distance/online. Two others I slowly grew apart from, probably because I was never able to hang out with them in high school. One I sometimes hang out with but she is pretty busy, so it’s usually once every 2 months.

I’m just wondering what my life would look like if I could drive and go to work and had an extracurricular activity. I have nothing to show for at all, I’m screwed in terms of getting a job because I have no experience or activities of any sort. I dream of course being financially independent but considering I can’t even drive yet and can’t even get hired for minimum wage jobs, I’m pretty screwed.

In middle school/high school I remember really wanting to do gymnastics/dance. At the very least I wanted to join any club to be involved but everyrhing got ridiculed and I wasn’t able to stay after school.

I also dream of seeing the ocean. I live in Arizona and everyone here has been to California except for me…I mentioned driving to San Diego and my dad said “one day” so of course it’s never gonna happen. I also have a lot of health issues and my dad said it’s not necessary to do anything and it’s normal to have allergies. I still need to get my wisdom teeth removed but on top of that I need to see an ENT, allergist, and an orthodontist. Don’t know when any of this is gonna happen and in the meantime, my nose has been congested my whole life and I’ve never breathed clearly. I have an overbite and recessed chin too. Just a lot going on and it’s all gonna cost money.

On top of all this my family is devoutly Muslim esp my mom is constantly talking about Islam and I think I’ve been an atheist since I was like 9, in any case I never believed in any of it. So that’s fun. Only things I do in my day is schoolwork, reading, drawing, sometimes writing. Super fun life.

I genuinely think it stems from their desire to be superior towards their children and them wanting to be the victim in every situation so that they can never be wrong.

Every discussion that I have with my AM (ranging from the ones about the most mundane, simple topics to the ones that have a more sensitive, riskier topic), I would present my points about the topic/situation and I would make some really good points.

However, in typical Asian Parent fashion, my AM would bend over backwards and literally disagree with every single thing that I said and she would immediately side with the other person in the situation that is being discussed and she would say that the other person is right and I'm the wrong one.

Not just that, she would continue to talk down on me and would try her best to make it seem like all of my points and my opinions are all stupid because I'm not as old as her so I'm not as "knowledgeable" as her or something (even though I am the one who personally experienced that situation, not her). On top of that, she would turn the whole thing into a lecture targeted at me, it always ends up being about how I am wrong for not choosing to "behave" like how she would behave if she were in my shoes, so apparently, her way to handle a situation is always the "right" way but mine is wrong.

For the longest time, this shittiest ass parenting style has fucked me up so much because she has enforced this parenting style onto me since I was a little kid, so it unfortunately rewired my brain and my thoughts to believe that, in every situation in life, other people know how to make the right call and I don't, that other people' opinions are better and more factual than my own opinions.

I kid you not, this is the most harmful thing that you could possibly done to your own brain and I had to spend so many years trying to unlearn, trying to get rid of this harmful mindset. If I think all of my opinions are trash and my ideas are not worth it, how tf could I develop my own self value? how the hell can I stand up for myself in every argument?

I know some people will say sth like "just stop discussing things in your life with your AP", I mean, that is true but I guess, God forbid a child wanting to share his/her daily life things with his/her parent(s) for some family bond connection.

seriously........ it's just ugh

I'm a Chinese American. I'm also gay. My traditional and close-minded parents don't know and only one of my siblings (both older) know. I'm in a serious relationship with my girlfriend and I love her very much.

I'm the youngest and I'll going to college next year. There have been lots of conversations in the family about what the future holds: where my parents will be moving, our future SOs, weddings, etc... Except my idea of my wedding does not align with theirs. They want a nice Chinese boy that comes from a good family, and I obviously do not. (GF is Black)

I don't know how, when, or if I'm even going to come out to my parents, but I believe that it is time (or at least before I go to college) to come out to my oldest sibling. I suspect that she suspects, but I'm really not sure because honestly how can anyone be sure about that? I just don't know what words to say. And even if I did, then she'd probably ask if I had a girlfriend and I don't really know how she'll feel about that! (practically helped my parents raise me lol) I don't think my parents would accept me if they knew I'm gay. I think she as a person would, but I'm not sure within the context of my family if that makes sense.

I also don't want my girlfriend to feel in between anything. I want everything to be fair to her.

I want to be with who I love, and I want it to be possible for me so badly.
I always get emotional when I think about this kind of stuff lol. Please share any advice, opinions, support, or experiences!

I am a Hmong American. My parents came to the USA as refugees after the Secret War in Laos, instigated by the CIA of America.

A little backstory of my parents before I reveal details about my own life.

My father lost his dad during the war when they were fleeing the Vietnamese. He also lost a little brother when they were fleeing to a creek. My grandmother had recently given birth a newborn 6 months prior. While they fled and hid by a little creek my grandmother and several other Hmong villagers had to drown their own children so the Vietnamese wouldn't hear them, so they could escape. My father and his mom, my grandmother, escaped the Vietnamese by swimming across the Mekong River into Thailand. As did many others who were fortunate enough to make it to the other side without drowning or being shot at by the Vietnamese. My grandfather was captured and forced into an internment camp where he was later drugged and poisoned by the Vietnamese.

My mother lost both of her parents at a very young age and was orphaned and was raised by her dad's second wife(In Hmong culture guys are allowed to have as many wives as they wish). My mother told me that she was asked by her dad to go fetch some water from the creek for lunch. But when she went to fetch water the Vietnamese bombed their farm house and killed both her parents. (Being born and educated in the USA I now know that it wasn't the Vietnamese who were dropping the bombs. It was actually the USA who dropped all the bombs and poisoned the vegetation with pesticides. A big misunderstanding and misconception among Hmong elderly today, who still believe it was the Vietnamese who dropped the bombs and poisoned the vegetation, when in fact it was the Americans.) My mother was scared when she came back to the destroyed farm house and ran back to the village. Unfortunately at this time, the Vietnamese had raided the village and started shooting Hmong villagers on sight. My mother's uncle came back to the village to look for survivors and found her hiding in a water pot. And they ran away to hide by a creek before attempting to flee and swim across the Mekong River into Thailand.

I, being 31 years old now, understand that my parent's never truly had a childhood and had a very rough life growing up. A life filled with poverty and suffering. So its very hard for me to hate my parent's despite how awfully they treated me growing up. I still love my parent's but I will never forgive them for robbing me of my childhood and destroying my mentality.

Growing up, I don't believe I ever had any true happiness or fond memories of being a kid growing up. I was never allowed to go outside and play with other kids. I wasn't allowed to have any friends. I was just a bird trapped in a cage all my life. Even to this day. I still cant do anything without asking for approval from my parents, even though I'm a grown adult now.

I remember a time when my father bought me a bike, but never allowed me to ride it. I would see kids playing outside and riding their bikes. But I was never allowed to play outside. I was told that he bought me a bike so I could look at it, but not ride it. One day I being a kid snuck outside and rode it anyway. And when my parents came home from work and saw me outside they took me back inside and hit my legs and ears with a window blind turner.

We never celebrated American holidays. The one time my cousin(Their family adopted American culture) invited me to go trick or treating with them. I really wanted to go and try it out. But I was too loud when I tried to sneak out to join my cousin. My dad woke up saw me and yelled at me to come back inside. And he told me that if I choose to go when I come back he is going to break my legs. I was so afraid I came back inside and just looked outside and watched other kids trick or treating like I always do every single year.

I remember a time when I was at school and our teacher asked us to share scary stories and I "accidentally" shared my scary stories of my dad and mom hitting me and beating me. I had no idea what I did at that time, because I was just a kid in 2nd grade. My teacher had called CPS and called my father to come to the school. They had cops ready to arrest my father. But when my father came to the school and I saw him I ran to him and hugged him. My teacher saw that and started crying. I'm not sure what happened but they let my father go on cultural differences. (During this time Hmong people had only been in the USA for about 10-20 years and have yet to adapt to American culture. The Hmong people are a tribal culture, they came from a world of darkness, with no knowledge of the outside world or even of the existence of science and technology.) When I got home my mother blamed me for getting my father in trouble and beat my ears and my mouth with a shoe. And told me I was heartless for telling my teacher that my father and mother had hit me. Later on as I grew up my teacher asked me why I hugged my father knowing that my father abused me and beat me. I simply told her because he's my dad. Don't all kids run up to and hug their dads? I never understood my teacher's question until super later in life when I was around my mid 20s. My ignorance as a kid didn't even register or realize that what I had experienced growing up was child abuse until years later. Because I was always told by my parents and our elders that it was our culture and our way of life.

When I was 16 my mother and I got into an argument and she kicked me out. Told me to go find a new family if I didn't want to live with them no more. So I told her okay then I'll leave and try to find a better mom and dad in the next life and I ran away. I didn't get far because my father had called the cops on me. I told the cops that I was running away because my mother told me to leave. So I'm leaving to find a place to jump off a bridge. They arrested me and threw me into a mental asylum for about 6 months. I was let out on good behavior. But my life was never the same again. Again after the hospital learned about the abuse I endured as a kid. They called CPS and they tried to arrest my father and mother. A Hmong interpreter/translator stepped in and pretty much saved my parents from going to jail basing the abuse on cultural differences between Hmong culture and American culture.

After this incident I had finally learned that although child abuse was taboo in American culture. It was not taboo in Hmong culture. As Hmong parents used physical abuse as a way of disciplining children. That still doesn't make it right or okay to hit kids so hard you end up bruising them.

Fast forward, I'm now in my 30s. I'm socially awkward, have no friends at all. And I have no idea what the fuk I'm doing with my life. I have no idea how to live only how to listen and obey. I'm starting to realize I need to leave and find my peace. I need to move out and escape this never ending nightmare. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but I can never forgive them for all the physical and emotional abuse they put me through. Its like I finally opened my eyes and I finally see the nightmare for what it is. I only wish I saw and realized it sooner.

so this question came to my mind when i was ranting to my friend about my desi parents being v strict, and they just shrugged "so give them ur password if u got nothing to hide", and that bugged me bcs i was like why do I have to compromise my boundries bcs u have trust issues or whatever?

You are my parent. You gave me all the parvarish and morals growing up, so have some faith in your upbringing. Cant even say idc because I do, and it hurts like hell.

has anyone ever felt like this??

(im 18F btw its not like im a child anymore)

Today, I got my head hit for the second or third time this week.

Earlier this week, my mom said that there’s something psychologically wrong with my mind and that I’m unintelligent/mentally slow since I kept asking why she would aim for my head.

She keeps answering my question with “Do you want me to aim for your arm instead?”

I feel like this counts as gaslighting, but I keep second guessing myself since it doesn’t seem severe enough.

Oh, and she also kicked me a few months ago for throwing away her months-old expired coffee concentrate during an argument.

I genuinely don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I study hard, get good grades, maintain a good position at school, follow their rules and restrictions, listen to what they tell me, and try my absolute best to make them proud.

And yet somehow, it still feels like none of it matters.

My mom keeps saying I can do whatever I want with my little brother, but when it actually comes down to it, she never listens to what I want or how I feel. She always seems to care more about my little brother, even though he constantly gets away with things and doesn’t have to follow half the rules I do.

I’m just so freaking tired.

We had a really bad fight today, and she said some of the worst things to me. And then she just… started laughing. I don’t even know how to explain how much that hurt. I was genuinely upset, and she was laughing like what I was feeling didn’t matter.

And honestly, part of me wants to stop trying. I want to start doing badly, stop caring, and just disappear for a while so maybe they’ll finally realize that I exist and actually worry about me.

I know that sounds dramatic, but I’m genuinely exhausted. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.

Please tell me things actually get better. I really need someone to tell me that right now.  i need someonee to tell me i will be alrightt thatt it will be overr plss somoenee plss

I’m 31F going to be 32 from a very conservative family/community in India, and I’m honestly terrified and confused about what to do next.

My parents have been putting pressure on me to get married since I was around 16 and even though I'm gonna be 32 I'll have no say in my own marriage. I grew up in a very restrictive environment. There are a lot of expectations around how women should behave — covering your face, not working, doing most of the household responsibilities, not being “too independent” or feminist, etc. My parents are also very strict, and there has always been emotional pressure around these things.

I have an MBA and several other skills/certifications, including digital marketing, stenography, typing, mehndi and beautician skills. I’ve wanted to work and build my own identity for a long time, but my parents have never really allowed me to have a job or live independently.

A few years ago, I got an opportunity to study in Mumbai. I didn’t tell my parents the full truth about my plans because I knew they wouldn’t allow me to go. I moved to Mumbai, and I ended up living there independently for 3 years.

During those 3 years, I worked, supported myself financially, managed my own life and became independent. Mumbai gave me a completely different lifestyle and, more importantly, a sense of identity and freedom that I had never experienced before.

I recently came home to visit my parents for a short break.

They believe I’m going back to Mumbai for my studies/work and that I’ll return home permanently after some time. When they asked me when I would be coming back, I panicked and told them that I would return around the end of August. I even agreed when my father told my mother to go around that time and help me bring all my belongings back.

I know I lied to them about my plans. I feel guilty about that, but at that moment I genuinely couldn’t tell them, “I’m not coming back permanently,” because I was scared of their reaction.

I have now returned to Mumbai.

And this is where I’m struggling.

My mother is already telling me to pack all my documents and belongings.

But I don’t want to move back permanently.

I want to continue living and working in Mumbai. I have already built a life here. I’m financially independent here, and I genuinely feel like myself here.

I love my parents. I don’t want to abandon them or cut them off. But I also feel like I love myself enough to not give up my entire identity and independence just to satisfy their expectations. They never allowed me to make friends or go out even going on terrace felt like freedom.

I’m also scared that if I permanently move back home, the restrictions will start again and the marriage pressure will become much worse. I don’t want to get married just because my parents/community think it’s time. I cannot imagine marrying a random person and then potentially spending the rest of my life in another restrictive household.

I’m 31, financially independent and capable of taking care of myself. I know I have the right to make my own decisions, but emotionally this is extremely difficult because these are my parents and I love them.

The biggest problem is that they currently have no idea that I have no intention of returning permanently.

They think I’m coming back.

I’m terrified of what will happen when I tell them the truth.

I’m worried about anger, emotional blackmail, guilt, pressure, and them trying to convince me that I’m ruining my life or the family’s reputation. I also don’t know how they will react when they realize that I have actually made up my mind.

At the same time, I feel like if I don’t stand up for myself now, I may never get another chance.

I’m not asking whether I’m right or wrong for loving my parents. I genuinely do love them.

I’m asking people who have dealt with very conservative/controlling families:

How do you handle parents who want you to give up your independent life and return home for marriage?

How do I have this conversation without completely destroying my relationship with them?

And for anyone who has actually gone through something similar — what happened when you finally chose your own life?

I’m honestly very anxious right now and could use some perspective.

It took me almost a year to finally love my house. My husband and I bought it without any financial help from my wealthy parents and it was a bit of a fixer upper. To fully lean into the holidays, I decided to sign up for customized Christmas lights. My dad’s response was “no one sees your house anyways”. It’s beside the point, but that’s simply not true. I live on a busy road with thru traffic. But even still, why try to ruin it for me?

I literally almost died of a heart condition after giving birth to my daughter in April. I’ll put up some damn lights if I want.

,So idk from where to start Hi everyone,I feel completely mentally fed up and numb. I'm posting here just to connect with people who understand what this feels like, because I feel totally alone right now i've lost interest in literally all of my hobbies , bcz i am mentally fed up with my parents , pls read all of it i need help-

so my parents are so toxic and strict they don't let me step out of the house it's been 17 yrs and i haven't even hung out with any of my friends , i have lost connections to every single friend i used to have bcz of my parents and they neither try to understand what is happening with me nor cares about it , even if i cry the shit out of me they never try to console me , they have been strict since my childhood..... chat i need fresh air and friends , i have no one to share what's going on with me.

Whenever i try to explain them my situation or ask them to let me out they just start screaming and arguing and saying things like 'this is never going to happen and do what we say why you need to go out when we're here for you' etc .They keep reminding of favors they did to me like proving education, basic necessties ,and more things.

My mother constantly blames me for doing nothing, complains about house chores, and puts massive expectations on me. The stress is so high that I am getting constant headaches and can't even concentrate on my studiess...... i reallyy need to step out of this house for my own health, helpme

>Any advice on how to survive this or cope with the isolation?

I don't know how to express but why is my mom such an emotional blackmailer. If I refuse anything, my mom always starts emotional blackmail. She starts crying, starves herself, locks the door and does everything to make sure that I feel guilty even if I am not wrong. If I oppose her decision, she starts saying that I don't respect her and starts sayings things like I gave birth to you, I am taking care of you but you are opposing me and all of that. She starts abusing me verbally with cuss words. She even starts doubting me about my gender and abusing about my looks. I am emotionally drained and I am suffering with anxiety. Is this only happening with me or anyone else? If you are in my position, what will you do?

TW:>!&#x200B;!< >!​!<mention of suicide>!​!<>!&#x200B;!<

25F, Vietnamese, and I'm realizing I never had a childhood.

There was definitely favoritism with my older brother. He was more sociable, but didn't perform well in school. In contrast, I'm introverted and academically inclined. When he left for college, my family and I had a side hustle to fund his schooling. As a kid, starting at 10, I hated late nights to help my parents, at one point staying up until 6 am to finish orders, but I also recognized we needed to support my brother. The college he attended was private, so it was extremely expensive.

However, this led me to prioritize staying home, helping my parents every weekend night, prepping orders for the weekend, and spending the rest of my free time catching up on schoolwork and sleeping. Nobody understood why I would never hang out with them or join any clubs. A lot of friendships faded because I couldn't maintain them, which negatively affected my education. Helping my parents was my main priority.

Whenever my parents talk about their side hustle and how it helped my brother in college, they never credit me and instead praise how my brother helped while in college. Sometimes my brother comes home to help with orders, but we let him rest and study, so I end up staying up late. This not only destroyed my sleep schedule (I was still sleeping at 3 am out of habit) but also left me feeling sidelined and neglected. They had even brushed off my confession that I wanted to attempt it and told me it was in my head.

Even now, I'm not acknowledged for doing so much for the family, such as taking care of my grandma when she was sick, and nobody but me, a freshly out of high school graduate, spent a whole summer with her. Many families can't afford to leave their jobs to care for their elderly parents, but somehow they can push all of their responsibilities onto a minor. Now in my mid-20s, my extended family does not take care of my grandparents enough unless they are paid.

I love and respect my parents. They have their best interests at heart. Sometimes, I feel they love my brother more because he has a job, a fiancée, and a house, while I'm unemployed, have no love life, and am a recent college graduate who was long overdue because of Covid. Instead of pity, I'm often asked why I was taking so long for a four-year degree, even though I was good in school in the past. My brother does appreciate that I helped him a lot during college and gave me the same support when I needed it. I wished my parents could say out loud that I was just as important when we were doing orders.

GENUINELY HOW TF YOU ESCAPE AND MALE YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY FUCKING TRUST YOU

i have a FUCKING strict parents,im 18 now and i cant even go out alone or have an actual fucking job

I grew up anxious talking to boys

I dotn have any friends and i dont even know.much about the store around my neighborfuckinghood

I genuinely cant stand it anymore

Im also homeschooled,wtf

Even this phone sometimes gets taken away, i keep telling lies lies and lies

I've tried everything to be a good daughter but still not good enough

I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO ORDER FOOD AT THE RESTAURANT

MAN I HAVE NO SURVIVAL SKILL I AM FULL DEPENDENT ON THEM AND I HATE IT

i wanna stand up for my own sometimes but all i got is a "no"

Today I mustered up the courage to ask if i could go to eat alone,BY. MY. SELF.

Nothing less and NO (ofc)

when they say im dumb and useless when i cant even FUCKING buy something for them

It's all my fault

Anybody? Please tell me what else should i FUCKING DO

For context, I'm a male in his late twenties living in Southern California. My parents are immigrants from a country in Southeast Asia, and are pretty old relative to my age (dad is in his late 70's and mom is in her late 60's). Recently, after dinner, my mom verbally blew up on me because I apparently told sensitive matters to aunts when they visited. I acknowledge that I perhaps shared too much information involving personal matters, but I don't think anyone or their reputation was seriously hurt by my sharing of events and words and feelings. I do think that sometimes family members argue over legitimate matters, such as the distribution of money, but I didn't really add fuel to any pre-existing fires metaphorically speaking.

Now, things are complicated because I seriously think my mom suffers from Alzheimer's disease or some form of working memory deficit (e.g., forgets her iPhone, keys, small items). She kept repeating her point, and I did eventually apologize for oversharing, but she kept saying things until my dad stepped in and I mentioned my busy life (I struggle with diagnosed disabilities/impairments, so I have had a very difficult time in school and other matters, which I'm currently trying to navigate through).

I'm no angel nor saint when it comes to being a son or student or (hopeful) worker, but I just wonder if Asian parents, or immigrant parents, seemingly make family arguments or problems worse than they need to be. Thanks for reading and take care.

Hi there, first post.

My dad went through my room to find a letter addressed to him which I was helping with. Under this letter there was another open one which had my GF’s credit card in. He pretended like nothing happened but he showed my little sister who then told me without him knowing.

He hasn’t brought it up but I can feel his energy is off.

He also doesn’t work and just stays at home napping and doing groceries here and there.

Today he asked my sister to do some research on the persons name.

I feel stupid for leaving it out. My family are religious so no GFs allowed. I’m in my late 20s and living at home to save up for a house. I also pay £400 rent plus wifi each month.

He could’ve just asked that he was looking for his letter. He also complains I spend too much money on vacations and going out (I don’t).

I’m thinking of just moving out to rent but I won’t save as much. Any advice?

My uncle-turned-father-figure sent me an AI-narrated reel yapping about how living with your parents is a privilege and they sacrificed so much blah3x. This same man asked me why I wouldn't obey him when he ordered me to go get an MBA and I said I didn't want to (only have my thesis left but had to drop out due financial/mental health issues + we don't have the money for an MBA anyway + I don't fucking want to). Everything is "for the family" but I'm starting to think it's actually for his ego.

Of course I'm fucking aware of how much was sacrificed over the years, I'm not blind and contrary to whatever he thinks I'm not some asshole child. Not perfect in the slightest, but I'm damn sure that I did the best I could to be a good kid all this time.

I'll be 29 in a few days. I'm not a bum, I try to find jobs and finish my thesis and upskill and help out around the house because, no shit, you're supposed to keep your fucking home in order. I don't want a goddamn MBA, and I don't want to pump out 3-5 kids to cement a legacy that we don't have.

This vent's been stewing for a while. I've been pretty busy with my part-time job and him sending me that reel was the last straw. Why I even bothered to check what he sends me is on me. I just gotta breathe a little then I can clock in to work.

I’m 20F, Indian-American, and currently financially dependent on my parents. I’m starting at a university soon as a transfer student and was originally supposed to commute from home, but I’ve reached a point where I seriously want to figure out how to move out and become independent.

I want to hear especially from other Desi/South Asian girls who grew up in strict or very religious households and actually managed to move out while they were young or still in college.

There have been cultural and religious conflicts in my family for years, and lately they’ve gotten worse. My family is very traditional about religion, marriage, community, what a daughter should or shouldn’t do, etc. I have different views from them on a lot of these things, but disagreeing is often treated as being disrespectful, having too much “zubaan,” or being influenced by the wrong people.

One of the biggest issues is how some of my relatives talk about people from other religions, especially Muslims, Sikhs, Christians. I’ve heard slurs, stereotypes, comments about not associating with certain people, and similar things for years. I really hate hearing it. Recently I got into a huge argument with relatives after they made comments like this again. It escalated into yelling and being told not to defend or praise Muslims in front of them.

There is also pressure surrounding my own religious practices. I’m expected to participate in things even when I don’t personally want to, and recently that pressure has increased because my family thinks my views are changing in ways they don’t approve of. They are obsessed with religion and culture.

Marriage is another huge reason I’m scared about my future. Pretty much my entire extended family comes from arranged forced marriages, and there is enormous pressure to marry within the community and follow what the family decides is acceptable. Love marriage and marriage outside the caste is a taboo to them.

The region my family comes from has also had villages and community councils impose extremely restrictive rules on women and relationships. There have been restrictions on love marriages and demands for parental consent, girls being restricted from using mobile phones or wearing certain clothes, and people facing social boycott for relationships the community considers unacceptable. I know this doesn't represent every person from my culture, but growing up connected to a community where these attitudes still exist has seriously affected how I view my own future.

So when I say I'm scared of eventually being pressured into an arranged marriage, it isn't just me imagining the worst possible scenario. Marriage and women's choices are treated as family/community matters by a lot of the people around me. My own extended family is overwhelmingly arranged marriages, and I know eventually I'm going to be next. They've already started pressuring me.

I don't want to wait until I'm being presented with proposals and pressured to agree before I finally try to establish independence. I want to be in a position where I can actually say no without risking my housing, education or financial survival.

There are other serious conflicts involving a family member that I don’t want to describe publicly, but being around that person makes me extremely uncomfortable and I’m still pressured to maintain a relationship with them.

Another huge thing I’ve been hiding is that I’ve been in a serious relationship for around two years. My family doesn’t know. He is another religion and from a different cultural background, and we want to eventually get married. I know that when I eventually tell my family, there is a very real possibility that some relatives will completely reject me or stop speaking to me, or maybe do something worse.

That makes the marriage pressure even scarier because I already know who I want to be with. We have been together for 3 years. I don’t want to suddenly find myself being pressured toward an arranged marriage of same caste, religion, culture etc.. while secretly being in a serious relationship that my family would strongly disapprove of.

I’m exhausted from constantly having two versions of my life. I don’t want to spend years lying about who I’m with, what I believe, who my friends are, or what I think just to keep everyone happy. At the same time, I don’t want to impulsively leave and put myself in a worse situation financially.

Right now I’m unemployed and don’t have my own car, which are my biggest obstacles. My tuition for this semester is covered through financial aid/scholarships, and I recently earned a professional certification that should help me find work. I’ve already contacted my university about potentially switching from commuter status to campus housing and asked financial aid about grants, scholarships, work study, emergency assistance, or anything else that could help me afford it.

I’m trying to do this carefully. Ideally I want housing, income, transportation, my documents, and some savings figured out before I tell my family I’m leaving.

For the Desi girls who have actually been through something similar:

How did you become financially independent while you were still in college? How did you handle moving out if your parents were completely against it? Did living on campus help? If you didn’t have a car at first, how did you manage transportation and work? Did you tell your parents beforehand or only once everything was arranged?

And for anyone who was secretly dating someone from a different religion/culture, did becoming independent before telling your family make things easier? How did you eventually have that conversation?

I’d especially like to hear from women whose families expected arranged marriages or marriage within their community. Did your family eventually start pressuring you with proposals? If you chose your own partner instead, how did you handle it?

I love my family, and I’m not trying to start a debate about any religion or say everyone from my culture is like this. I just desperately want the freedom to have my own beliefs, choose who I marry, and live without constantly hiding parts of myself. They are so indoctrinated into hatred.

I would really appreciate advice from women who have actually lived through this, especially Desi women from strict households. I’m scared, but I know I can’t live like this forever.