r/AsianParentStories

My(F) boyfriend and I are the same age in our early 20s but while his parents aren’t crazy religious, my parents are. My parents always made me to go to church every Sunday and every time I try to argue against it just turns into a screaming match and I still go next Sunday, hell I’m apart of several bible groups I don’t want to be apart but since being a christian is more important than free will my parents don’t care that I hate it. With my parents being christians (I must state I know not all christians are like this) they’re very homophobic and have very traditional gender values. I remember my mom would complain my older sister started gaining weight and when she started going to the gym she complained my sister would get muscles and look too manly?? But one core memory I have was when I was extremely suicidal back in high school I cracked and told my mom, it turned into a lecture on how I’m going to burn in hell for suicide and thus why my mom made me be a part of all these bible groups to “cleanse my soul”.

My boyfriend’s family are catholics but they aren’t crazy religious. They’re pretty supportive of LGBTQ and only go to church on certain days like good Friday. The other day I asked my boyfriend how his family felt about swearing growing up and he said his family never made a big deal about it and told me “As an adult I’m allowed to say whatever I want as long isn’t straight up rude, it’d be stupid if my parents tried to control that” and it really made me think about how badly I’d get yelled at if I said crap in front my parents.

This was the day everything changed.
Since Grade 11, when our family house in the Philippines was being renovated, my parents asked me to take charge of managing the construction. At that time, I was studying in a province about three hours away from home. Every week, I traveled back and forth just to oversee the construction, buy materials, and make sure everything was running smoothly.
Despite those responsibilities, I never allowed them to become an excuse. I studied hard and still graduated as one of the top students in Senior High School.
A month after graduation, I decided to leave the province and continue my studies in another city in the Philippines. I enrolled late because I was uncertain about studying somewhere farther away, but I eventually committed to pursuing Radiologic Technology.
As time passed, I reached my third year in college.
After completing my third year, my parents decided to travel, and during that time I carried even more responsibilities at home. Although my aunt initially helped look after my siblings, many conflicts eventually arose. There were painful accusations, including being called thieves and even having death wished upon us. Through it all, I tried my best to protect my siblings from experiencing more trauma and emotional pain.
I continued to manage the household while balancing my studies. Whenever my sister or my nephew needed someone, I was there. I cooked, cleaned, handled responsibilities at home, and continued doing everything I could while trying to succeed in school.
Then came the day I was supposed to enroll for my fourth year.
Instead of enrolling, I discovered that I had failed one subject—MRI. It was the first subject I had ever failed.
I went home without being able to enroll.
My father asked, “Have you already enrolled?”
I answered honestly, “Not yet. I have one failed subject, so I need to talk to the dean first.”
The moment they heard that, everything changed.
My parents didn’t ask what happened or give me the chance to explain. Instead, they began saying things that cut deeply into my heart.
They told me I was wasting their money.
They said, “I thought you were smart.”
They accused me of cheating and copying from others.
Then, right after saying those things to me, they gathered my siblings and started asking them academic questions, almost as if they were making an example out of me. At that moment, I felt completely humiliated.
What hurt the most was not failing one subject.
It was feeling that everything I had sacrificed over the years suddenly meant nothing.
Didn’t they realize I had been managing the construction of our house for years?
Didn’t they realize I spent countless hours taking care of our family while trying to keep up with school?
Didn’t they realize how difficult it was to balance college, household responsibilities, and protecting my siblings through family conflicts?
Didn’t they realize that whenever my sister or my nephew needed someone, I was always there?
I wasn’t asking for praise.
I was only hoping for a little kindness, understanding, and appreciation.
Instead, I was made to feel useless, worthless, and like the biggest disappointment in the family.
To make things even harder, I have a cousin who is taking the same program as I am, and we are classmates. He has already enrolled, and now I am constantly being compared to him. That comparison hurts because people only see where we are today. They don’t see the different burdens we have carried.
I am disappointed in myself for failing my first subject, but I never expected the people I love the most to make me feel so ashamed.
What hurts even more is knowing they may tell other people about what happened. The thought of being judged and compared makes me feel like the world has shut me out.
The only people who truly checked on me were my friends and my younger brother.
My brother constantly checked on me after school. He hugged me without saying much, and somehow those hugs helped more than words ever could. They reminded me that I was not completely alone.
Right now, I am scared.
I am scared that my parents might decide to stop supporting my education.
I am scared that my dream of becoming a radiologic technologist will end here.
I am scared that everything I have worked so hard for will disappear because of one failed subject.
I know I made a mistake.
I know failing MRI is my responsibility.
But I also know that one mistake should not erase years of hard work, sacrifice, and perseverance.
I am still trying.
I still want to continue my studies.
I still want to wear my uniform with pride, complete my clinical internship, attend my pinning ceremony, and become a registered radiologic technologist someday.
Today, I feel hurt.
I feel humiliated.
I feel afraid.
I feel exhausted.
But deep inside my heart, I still have hope that Allah has not finished writing my story.
Perhaps this is not the end.
Perhaps this is only one difficult chapter before a better one begins.

Long time lurker here. Not exactly about AP but more like aunts and grandparents, and I am sure a lot of yall here have been in a similar situation as me. As a woman in my late 20s, I somehow managed to be the only person who is single among all my cousins and younger aunts/uncles. Everyone else is either happily engaged or married. I don’t go to family gatherings often but whenever we do have lunch or dinner together I feel the unease; yes, you know the deal about “wHeRe Is mY gRandSon-iN-law?!””why are you still coming alone??”
This year is the worst so far as the cousins younger than me all have their SO. When I greeted my relatives they didn’t even bother to ask about how I’ve been, they just flat out asked why didn’t I bring a boyfriend, told them that I needed to “Hurry up” because “nobody wants a woman in 30s”. They used to say how they are proud of me for my academic performance, now they said I spent too much time in study work and I “must have isolated myself and lived my life as two-point-one-line”. One of my grandparent flat out told me this is my last warning “You have to find a man within this year” otherwise he’s going to me sign up for those local chinese match making services (which costs a LOT imo and completely not something I would use).
I just feel so defeated and annoyed. Nobody cares about me but wants to not “lose face” because their niece or granddaughter is not getting married. They don’t know what I like to do, what I am doing. I don’t even bother to explain to them that I have my own plan and I have a very different idea about how a SO would be like if I ever want one. The more I try to explain the more they are going to pressure me. A few of my family members actually tried to defend me but we all got bashed out lol.
Sorry for the long rant. I don’t know how should I even feel about them.

So I've been into typology and there was a YouTube channel that I came across that claim to be the best when it comes to ensuring that their information is as accurate as possible based on their sources. There's a lot of misinformation out there when it comes to MBTI, so it helps to have information that is concise. I don't think I'm able to name them here, but if you PM me I'll let you know. I'm not able to define all the jargon associated with MBTI, but this could serve as a starting point, at least from what I can garner from what I know. I got myself typed through them and it helped understand who I am.

It's no doubt that most Asian parents that are described in this subreddit are most likely to be the concrete sensor types, or in other words, more in tune with reality and what is known, rather than what is guessed. They obviously aren't the most abstract types, although they are somewhat capable of it through Ne child, but that's more of a child function, basically coming up with possibilities in a way, but they don't actually verify whether they are actually true or not. I think most Asian parents that are described here in the subreddit are probably some form of the ESFJ or ESTJ personality type. Without delving too much into the definitions, they both have Si parent as their 2nd function. That means they'll have Se critic as their 6th function. Critic function basically comes across very judgmental. So in this case, in terms of Se critic, it'll be critical of sensory preferences such as taste in music, art, food, clothes, appearances, lifestyle, etc. Anything non-traditional. They use Se critic to get you to take on their Si parent; if you don't take on their parent. They will criticize anything that you do that's not traditional; they look down on people who are not traditional. If you want to quiet them, you would have to appeal to their Si parent by following their tradition and routines, basically what they are accustomed to, not yours. If you don't take on their experiences, then they'll have a problem with you.

I'm a confirmed typed INFP by the way, and have the 7th function Se trickster. The trickster function is the weakest function of a personality type. INFPs are going to have the most conflict with ESTJ and ESFJ types. My dad is an ESTJ and my mom is an ESFJ. I'd commonly get comments from them saying I'm not normal and like anyone else. And they would criticize the way I dress and look. Basically not traditional. They have Ni trickster, so they don't really look deep into things very well or have an ability of actually knowing what's going on in a deeper level. Or basically thinking that there is only one path or vision to success, that no other vision is possible, such as becoming a doctor or a lawyer to make good money, not any other fields. They're all about past experiences and comparing and contrasting the present with the past.

With ESFJ and ESTJ as parents, more than likely they can't be changed. It's hellish especially for an INFP as they criticize the weakest part of me. I got enneagram type 9, so I'd keep the peace by appealing to their Si parent, but it takes a piece of my soul every time, doing things that aren't aligned with how I feel according to my values. I'd always be wondering whether there is something wrong with me. But in the end, there wasn't.

Hi guys, this is my first post here, and I really need some advice. My mother can be a pain, and she uses words like harassment and torture when I ask her the simplest of questions, like "Hey, do you know what time it is" while she is sitting on her phone scrolling on Facebook, and she will literally explode. She will start listing everything wrong I have done since I was a baby, and will say "Stop harassing me, or you kids always torture me." She even says sometimes, "Am I your personal maid for you to be bossing me around about everything." I am under the age of 18 so I cannot move out, and sometimes she will stop talking to me for days and SCREAM rude and cruel things about me and things I have not followed to the T. Its like me not turning off the fan when I leave the room for a min before coming back, and she will make it a crime scene. PLEASE give me advice on what to do, because I try to stay away from her, but she somehow finds me. (also I have a little sister but she does not say anything to her)

I don’t know if its an asian parents thing, or just my parents. But, my parents were always very judgmental and critical of everything. Whether it’s the way I dress, or the way I talk or even just being critical of a stranger walking on the street. I realized that because of this, I became judgmental and critical because that’s what I thought was normal. Until recently, I realized that most people’s first instinct isn’t to judge, but to be open-minded. I am also very insecure and have a fear of being perceived. Because I thought everyone else thought the way my parents did.

My parents demanded that I show up to their place for my birthday, so I did. Free food, right? Ehhh

But as soon as I came to their place, I knew they had an argument. For the record, my parents have had a strained marriage ever since they immigrated to the United States. Oftentimes, the tension would be felt by my sister and I whenever we'd come home from work or school, and it was a huge reason as to why I moved out.

Ever since I was a teen, they've poured all their marital problems onto me. At first I'd be unhappy because it often meant they wanted me to pick a side. Now I'm either angry or checked out. I really don't care if they get divorced. If anything, I want them to. But they don't because of shitty traditions and also they are too cash-poor to even live on their own

My dad decided to be super passive aggressive about what happened before I arrived, which was about an irresponsible purchase of a car my dad didn't need, and vented to me loud enough for my mom to hear. I told him that I don't care and that we should just eat dinner asap.

Because my parents don't even sit next to each other, I ended up being seated in between them, and they squabbled the entire time at the restaurant for my birthday. By the time we got home, they still argued and I was literally in between the two of them. The tipping point was when they asked me for my input and I just lost it

I forgot what I said because I was just so tired, but the main thing I remembered saying was:

"I DON'T CARE. FIGURE THIS OUT YOURSELVES. IF YOU DON'T, GET A DIVORCE OR KILL EACH OTHER!"

I grabbed whatever I was packing and quickly headed out because I knew this was a very shocking moment for all of us and sped off in my car.

For the record, my parents have a good idea that my sister and I are very checked out of their marital problems and I've shut them down on venting their issues to me only for them to say:

"What's the big deal? Every married couple fights"

Literally treating us like we are stupid and naive. We ALL know that married couples fight, but this is next level

I've talked to a lot of older Western people and those who have had kids. 100% of them say the same thing when I ask them "do you want your kids to take care of you when you get older?"

"No, I want them to have their own life. It was our choice to bring them into this world, and it's not right to demand that they take care of us for something that was our choice to begin with. They will miss out on so many years of things that life has to offer if they were stuck caring for us."

Now compare this to my Chinese upbringing - I remember being 10 years old and my parents already telling me, even then, that when they get old I'm *going* to be taking care of them and I won't be putting them in a retirement home "like those Americans."

Fast forward 30 years and absolutely nothing has changed. I'm also an only child, single by choice, and they don't give a damn about the experiences in life I will need to forego to take care of them. They also don't care that the situation would literally be a single 50-some year old stuck at home every single day cooking and cleaning and caring for them in a micro family of three.

By the time they finally die I could very well be past 60, far past the age of the things I want to do for myself (ie. travel overland through every single country on planet Earth, camp under the stars, dive in the seas, try all the food our cultures have to offer, etc).

I just find the two cultures so insanely incompatible sometimes. One places personal freedom and personal responsibility on top. The other forces rigid duties onto others, their own personal life goals be damned.

Just an honest question. My mom is a prime example…

Me(29F), tonight with my bf(26M) at our friend’s house playing poker. I send a pic to my step dad of us having a good time out with friends. He then started to lecture me that I shouldn’t be out and gambling, and one day I will lose a finger from it. (This is the first time we play with our friends. Only $20 bucks)

He threaten me that he will tell my mom about it if I don’t make it home as soon as possible. He also called me on FaceTime to make sure if I was heading home, made me really embarrassed infront of my friends.

I should have known from the start that I shouldn’t tell him anything. It’s only because he taught me how to play cards, and I thought this would be a good way to have a connection with him. Cuz we barely make conversations, I would only sent him greetings during holidays and such.

I told my bf, he was fine with us leaving early. He also told me that I shouldn’t let them live through my life. I been knowing this for a long time, but I don’t know how to make the change. They’re not bad parents, they just had a lot of hope in me. I’m scared for letting them down.

After we got back home, my step dad told me that I shouldn’t be working hard towards a better future. Not gambling on the other side of the globe. And letting them down.

I (30F) have been married to my husband for 7 years. In all this time, my mom has never met him or even spoken to him; she has just never cared about my life at all.

​Out of nowhere, I recently got a call from her asking if she could move in with us. Because her English is very limited, I had to translate the conversation back and forth between her and my husband.

​Everything I translated was completely polite and non-offensive. But when I told her that my husband and I needed to discuss it first, she suddenly lost it. She yelled, "That's it! Why did I even ask you? You are so ungrateful! Why do you need to ask your husband when I am your mom? You should take care of me since you owe me!" Then, she slammed the phone down on me.

​I don’t see how I did anything wrong. It is our house. Consulting my husband on a massive life change like this isn't optional—it's just basic respect for my marriage. It is so incredibly frustrating and exhausting to communicate with traditional Asian parents who expect blind obedience, especially when they haven't bothered to be a part of your life for years.

Part I: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/s/vedYhMJO7P

Firstly, thank you to all the Reddit Aunties who came out to show love. It pulls at my heart strings knowing that kind strangers online can express more love than our own biological parents.

This is probably the last post I'm going to make about this situation, but I would encourage everyone to strive to look for the silver linings in life and find the positive in negative situations. For context, I grew up low income, first gen, and with a disability that affects my digestive health.

3 hours before I'm planning to drive off to medical school, my mom says:

“You’re so skinny, if you can’t succeed in med school then just forget it.”

At this point, I'm so numb to her comments that I just don't bother responding. Trying to explain her own behavior back to her is worse than talking to a brick wall, because she will snap back about how she is always right in what she says and believes.

The silver lining is that I got to drive off into the night, knowing that I persevered to get to this point, and I have no need to look back. And because of the love that you all have shown me, I just want to say that humans, especially you all, have the capacity to achieve your dreams and find people out there who will appreciate you, even if it isn't with your own family. Keep at it; I believe in all of you ❤️.

I've heard a few white people say this... these damn people are clueless. They have no idea what some of us went through in childhood or what we have to deal with when it comes to our immigrant parents! Ugh, the 'hard workers' part?! And saying that Asians are not lazy? That's because if we were lazy, our AP would have kicked us out or beaten us at a young age.

First of all, not all of us are hard workers; some of us are lazy. If these white people actually knew the controlling behavior, verbal and physical abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation that we go through behind closed doors, they wouldn't love the 'culture' so much.

Hello hello, this post is just a LONG rant, just telling y'all.

**TL;DR**

**I believe I'm returning the attitude my mother is giving me when she yells at me (but in a calmer, more sassy way), which is the same attitude she calls rude/ spoiled.**

Idk her behavior towards me is kinda hot and cold if that makes sense?? Sometimes she's very nice, but often she gets upset and yells at me for the dumbest reasons 😭🙏 Like today when I couldn't hear her calling my name because I was in the laundy room eating an apple, then when I heard her she kept asking me why I couldn't hear her, why I was in the laundry room and why I just couldn't be in the kitchen. Naturally, I responded with my true reasoning since I have no reason to lie: "Because I wanted to". Then she kept on rambling abt it, so to cut her off I asked: "what did you want?". Wrong dialog option apparently, since she started telling me that I always answered her in a rude and spoiled way 😐.

This isn't the first time she has said this to me, but mind you, in no way shape or form was this said in a malicious way. I'd even argue that it was said in a pretty neutral tone. Now, were my words poorly chosen? Yes, I admit that, and I do admit that I can have an attitude when I answer her. But at the same time, if she's yelling at me/ raising her voice and nitpicking at me as often as she does, she has to expect that I retort somehow to at least defend myself a little bit??. And even if I don't answer her while she's just going off on me (which I usually don't), she keps saying: "Oh, you're irritated at/ tired of me now, aren't you?". Like yes I am (I'm not saying that to her face tho 😬), cuz It's 9 am and you're yelling at me because I had the Bible in my bag and not in my room 😭🙏. Just tell me to put it in my room normally please and I'll do it.

Anyways, after she told me that the way I respond to her was rude/ spoiled, I apologized and said that it wasn't my intent for it to come out that way. She responded with "Good that you at least can do that". 😐

Yes, good that I am more emotionally mature than you 😭. The last time you apologized to me because you yelled over something stupid was when I was 7 and started crying in front of you and you told me that it was just your way of calming down. At least I can regulate my emotions in a better way than you, because notice how I don't act the way I do around you with anyone else or don't get angry/ annoyed around them?? In addition to that, I have never once raised my voice against someone when I was mad or irittated at them, or stressed for that matter, because I consider it to be immature and disrespectful. I believe disagreements should be discussed normally and not in a screaming match, but my mom makes it hard to do that.

Personally, I believe that I'm just returning the attitude she's giving me. I feel bad tho, since it still is my mom after all and maybe I just am spoiled/ rude with the way I respond without thinking ablut it. My mind might just be me-biased. Anyways, working on my personality now and cleaning my room so that she doesn't have anything else to yell at me about 🥹✌️

Sorry to vent like this. It might not make sense, but needed it to get out of my system 😬 Any errors in spelling, grammar, etc. comes from my disdain of the English language (I'm not double checking what I wrote cuz I'm gonna cringe).

Have a great day folks

I (22F) grew up with my grandma, mom, and dad. I often stayed in my grandma's house alongside my parents. My grandma technically also raised me, so she also had a say in my parent's ways in raising me or whatever.

I honestly hated living with them! So much rules that were so unnecessary. But the one thing that I started to really hate them for recently was that they never let me do physical activity growing up. I never learned how to ride a bike without training wheels up until I was 12, all my other friends learned it at the age of 8. I was always a slow runner and it was embarrassing whenever I had to do PE with all my other classmates who were physically active. I never was allowed to do any sports - basketball, volleyball, soccer, and even yoga (not sure if this counts as a sport, but the fact that yoga wasn't even allowed is absolutely ridiculous). I also wasn't allowed to go out on walks or go out under the sun because they didn't want my skin to get dark. Whatever, they had so much rules about physical activity that I never got to be properly active growing up, which means that I never got to implement those healthy active habits since I was younger.

Now in my young adulthood, I struggle in carrying weights, I struggle in running, and I have a hard time doing a lot of things. My posture is terrible. My body is extremely weak. I'm trying to go back to exercising and build a healthy fitness journey, but I find the basics incredibly difficult all because of my upbringing.

I do resent them for many things, but this one extremely infuriates me!

Edit: I have been trying to implement exercise in my life. It's been tough but I'm trying to persevere. I just wanted to vent about my upbringing.

Tell me your story. What finally pushed you over the edge to finally go no contact? How long has it been and how are you living your life without them? I'm looking for my people.

I am a 24 year old Punjabi Sikh and I have been dating 26 year old Tamil Hindu guy for about 1.5 years (neither of us are religious). I come a very traditional and religious family, and my family and pretty active members in the Punjabi community.

When I first told my parents about him, they immediately said they would never support the relationship. I initially ended things because of that, but after realizing how much we loved each other, I chose to continue and promised him I would fight for us when the time came.

In the past few years, especially after I first brought him up to my parents they became more, almost controlling. I wouldn’t go out that often but when I would, I would come home and they would tell me I was out for too long, asking questions, and they also had my location, so constantly checking my location. It got the point that every time I would go out I would be anxious wondering what my parents are thinking and what they will say when I get home. We dated for about a year and then one day I told my parents because I couldn’t handle hiding it anyone because of my location sharing and being constantly anxious. They started crying loudly and saying I ruined their Izaat and that they are done for. My grandpa has also done a lot for the Punjabi community from where we are from and they told me I’m ruining his reputation, what will he think about his, he’s gonna have a heart attack. I heard it all. I tried to explain what kind of person he is and I want to have a relationship with them where I can be open with them and come to them and not have to hide.

The day after telling them they said they thought about it and that they would support me, but me and him both have to become independent, which I agreed to. However, the days following they continued to try to get me to reconsider and leave him because I’m going down the wrong path. Overall, although my mom also disapproved she seemed the handle it better, she would still see her friends and do normal day to day activities. On the other hand my dad is an emotional person and he completely shut down. He would barely leave the house, not talk to anyone properly, not want to do anything, couldn’t go to Sikh weddings because he said it was hard for him to watch, I wouldn’t hear him sigh every minute. One of my parents concerns was that I would loose my identity and not as close with them, so I made an effort to go places with them and spend as much time with them which was basically 24/7. However it started to effect me mentally because I was unemployed because I left my job a few months prior, I was literally stuck at home with my parents 24/7 trying to convince me to leave him, make me feel guilty and shame for a couple months. In the beginning my brother was also supportive but my parents started calling my brother and trying tin convince him to convince me, and at a point I think he got convinced. He said he still thinks they are being extreme and crazy but he also thinks the basis of my relationship would not be strong because my boyfriend will always remember and resent my parents because they didn’t accept him and that I should think about my family and their opinions as well.

One day my dad said he couldn’t handle it anymore and as my father he made the decision that I have to leave the relationship because they would never get me married to him. My dad said I don’t understand how you can see us dying everyday and be okay with it. I mentioned that they said really hurtful things to me in the past couple months that I will never forget, and my dad pointed to old family pictures and said what about these times. He was crying and said he’s okay if it ruins mine and his relationship but he could never see me take the other route (being with my bf). My plan was to tell my parents I left him to relieve the pressure and guilt but I wasn’t actually going to leave him. I told my parents I left him and they said I did the right thing and it’s for the best. I talked to my brother and he said I shouldn’t lie to my parents and break their trust and he tried to convince me that it would be best to break up w my bf. My friend also said maybe I shouldn’t hide it from my parents. I knew I couldn’t take the mental pressure by telling my parents I didn’t leave him and keep fighting so I made a very hard decision to break up. My dad asked for his number so he could explain to him that it won’t work, I gave him his number, I shouldn’t have but I also have a hard time saying no especially to my dad. I told my boyfriend I gave him his number and he didn’t have to pick up his call if he didn’t want to. My dad call him and he didn’t pick up so my dad called a few more times, my bf thought something happened so he calls back. Apparently my dad said “this is my decision, don’t contact my daughter, this isn’t up for negotiation”. I felt really hurt because I feel like it was very disrespectful and almost a slap in the face, and since then I haven’t properly talked to my dad.

My bf still says I’ll wait for you if you change your mind, but you can’t leave again under pressure, he also doesn’t want to hide anymore and said I shouldn’t need their approval. He’s naturally more confident about standing up for what he wants, while I’ve spent my entire life putting my parents’ feelings first, and honestly I’ve come to the point why I feel like I have lost myself.

One reason it has been so difficult to stand up for myself is that I don’t yet have a stable career. I finished university last year and have been working jobs that weren’t career-related. Recently, I accepted a job that I can genuinely see becoming my career, but it doesn’t start for another seven months. Since I’ve been living at home and not working recently, I’ve felt even less independent. I also want to move out because I know it would be much healthier for my mental well-being and help me finally feel like an independent adult, although I know that conversation with my parents will be another battle.

I’ve also spoken to people close to me. I overheard my brother and sister-in-law agreeing with my parents, yet when they speak to me, they also understand my perspective. They’ve told me that we can’t control how our parents feel or the guilt they place on us, and that sometimes we have to put ourselves first. My cousin has also been supportive and believes I should become independent and live my own life.

Mentally, I’ve struggled because I genuinely understand where my parents are coming from. They’ve given me an amazing life, always been there for me, have been great parents, and we’ve always been incredibly close. Sometimes I think we’re close to an unhealthy degree. Even now, my parents consult my grandparents before making major decisions, and they want to know everything happening in my life. I also compare myself to my cousins who just got engaged to a Sikh Punjabi guy, my brother is married to a Sikh Punjabi girl. I think to myself marrying a guy that’s not a sardar would already make me the black sheep, imagine marrying someone that’s South Indian, and someone who is slightly shorter than me.

But what my boyfriend and I have feels special. We truly love each other. We’re best friends, we trust each other completely, support each other, and want the same things in life. Deep down, I feel that if I don’t fight for this relationship, I’ll spend the rest of my life looking for him in everyone else and regretting that I never stood up for myself.

Whenever I’m away from home, like in nature or with friends I realize there’s more to life than living solely to make my parents happy and what other people will think. For years I’ve always been scared to do anything they wouldn’t approve of or always putting myself in their shoes, and it’s left me feeling empty. I know life is short, and I want to build a life that makes me happy, but I’m torn between the people I love most and the future I want for myself.

I already know her so well. I waited to tell her up until right before I left, because I knew that whatever her response, it wasn't the type of reaction I would be looking for, or care to acknowledge. Basically the story of my entire fucked up relationship with her.

"Hey, so I'm moving tomorrow because I'm going to be starting medical school."

"Oh, okay."

I (35M) grew up learning one rule before I could question it: a good son obeys. It was never taught with punishment—it was taught with silence. Whenever I did something my mother didn't approve of, she'd simply stop talking to me. Days of a cold, heavy house until I broke down crying and apologized. The moment she spoke again, relief. Without anyone saying it out loud, I learned that love could be withdrawn and returned—but only if I surrendered.

No trips with friends. Limited pocket money my mom slipped me in secret. A computer they bought by "borrowing," which I was reminded of for years. My dad thought parenting meant providing money—he didn't know what I studied or whether I was happy. The message settled deep: they've sacrificed for you, and you must never forget it. Gratitude stopped being a feeling and became a debt.

Earning changed nothing. I got a good job, became financially independent, and still had to ask permission to see a movie. When I started informing them instead of asking, they said I'd become ungrateful and a bad son. When my dad asked for my bank login and I refused, it became about authority. If I stayed out late, my mom would call: "Is this the time to be out?" When I got frustrated, she stopped calling entirely—stopped asking if I'd eaten, stopped checking on me at all. Later she said it was because I "got angry." Care, withdrawn again.

Love: In college I fell for a girl and wanted to marry her. They refused—caste. I didn't rebel; I did what I was trained to do—I tried to convince them, for two years. My dad said he wished I'd died before being born so he wouldn't have to face this. My mom said I was shaming them. I cried alone at night. Eventually she gave up on me and got an arranged marriage within months. When my parents asked what happened, I lied and said I ended it—so they'd feel I chose them. I never told them what it cost me.

The wife I did marry was different—she talked instead of going silent, disagreements didn't turn cold. For the first time I felt safe. But once we married, the control just changed targets. My mom dictated what my wife wore, when she woke, what she cooked and when. A craving for aloo paratha got called "too indulgent." My mom covered her eyes at a knee-length dress, cried "loudly" and accused me of disrespect when I said my wife didn't have to change out of a t-shirt. Every boundary I set was blamed on my wife "manipulating" me. My wife worked full-time AND cooked breakfast and dinner, and it was still "she does nothing for us, she does it for herself."

The breaking point was a house. We agreed on a plan: I'd pay ₹30L, dad ₹30L, and rental income from their old property would cover the extra EMI until it sold (dropping the loan to something I could manage). They even paid a ₹25L non-refundable booking. Then, mid-process: dad "forgot" agreeing to give the rental income, said he'd only carry ₹15L of the loan, and dumped the rest on me—far beyond what I could afford. When I said cancel, he accused me of using it as pressure. I cried, begged, literally folded my hands. He called it "drama." In that moment I felt like a beggar at a traffic signal—hands folded, ignored. Their egos mattered more than my collapse.

Later I overheard them: dad saying I'd amount to nothing, that I'd planned everything to steal their money, that my wife controlled me and I'd come crawling back. Mom's theory: I did it all so the property wouldn't get split with my brother someday. They'd written a complete story where they were innocent and generous and I was manipulative. There was no room in it for my tears.

After a surgery where my dad left mid-discharge to service his bike and never came back (my wife handled everything), I made a quiet decision. I sold the house. I found a new one without telling them, and when I moved, I told them I'd gotten a job in another city. The truth: I'm in the same city, a different house—one with no raised voices, no surveillance, no fear of silence. They can afford their rented place easily (three properties + pension).

It's been seven months. My home finally feels peaceful. I don't know how long I'll keep the lie.

My question for you: Was moving out and lying about it the right call, or a cowardly one? Should I ever tell them the truth? And for anyone raised like this—does the guilt ever actually go away?

TL;DR: Lifetime of parents controlling me through silence and guilt; it followed me into marriage and targeted my wife; it peaked when my dad reneged on a house-money agreement and called my breakdown "drama." I secretly sold the house, moved to a different house in the same city, and told them I moved for a job. Seven months of peace, but I'm living a lie. Did I do the right thing?

I know joining the US military is not one of the most popular paths pushed by Asian parents, but I hope you all at least hear me out: It can be a great way to pay for college (and break free from Asian parents' toxic control sooner). Most of us know that Asian parents try to control their kids' educational choices by holding the fact they are paying the tuition.

Joining the military involves taking the ASVAB (a standardized test with math, general science, mechanical comprehension, etc). If you can do decently well on the SAT, you will probably ace the ASVAB and get better positions in the military.

Pro tip: The Air Force is the branch that is the most coveted and the least physically strenuous. Of all the branches, the Air Force requires the highest ASVAB score (but I suspect even the Air Force requirements would be a cake walk for Asian kids who have been pressured and molded to be as book smart as possible).

This advice is primarily for Asian Americans who are still in middle school and high school. Maybe this path won't give your parents the bragging rights they want, but it will give you the ability to develop and break free from their toxic control sooner.

This advice also comes from someone who did all the "right" things in her childhood, went the prestige route of going to an Ivy League college, went to law school, and depended on her parents to pay for her tuition. I married someone who did the military route, and wish I was smart enough to follow his path when I was younger.