r/AsianParentStories

I was born in the West and grew up surrounded by Western values, but my parents were very traditional Asian “tiger parents.” I quickly realized how different they were from the outside world.

Still, I was treated well at school and developed a Western personality. Even though my parents were strict and emotionally distant, it didn’t affect me too much because I received love and support from my teachers and classmates.

Until one day when I was 8, my parents decided to immigrate back to their hometown.

Suddenly, I was thrown into a local school in East Asia. All the teachers acted just like my parents. Even my classmates were mean to me whenever I showed my Western personality. Back then, being even slightly different was enough to get bullied.

It felt like the whole world was against me. Even my younger brother, who grew up entirely in Asia, thought I was weird.

To survive, I forced myself to act like the local people around me, and honestly, it worked. People started accepting me and getting closer to me.

But after living like that for almost 20 years, I grew up with severe mental health issues because I wasn’t allowed to be myself for such a long time.

The problem is that because of my health issues, I’m struggling financially and can’t easily leave Asia yet. So I still have to live in a country where I don’t feel like I belong.

I tried seeing a therapist here, but she didn’t understand my trauma at all. She’s local, has never lived abroad, and has never experienced what it feels like to be an immigrant or second-generation bicultural person. Because of that, I feel like I can’t find a therapist here who truly understands me.

I wonder, in Western countries, is it easier to find therapists who understand the trauma and identity struggles of second-generation immigrants? (Online therapist would be perfect for me since I can't leave Asia now)

I wish I could find one when I move to the West. or is there any online therapist that suits me? so I can start now in Asia. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

I’m honestly exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for around 10 months. We’re not rushing into marriage or anything. We already decided we would take things slowly. He has a good job, is responsible, and treats me really well. I genuinely care about him.

The problem started when they forced me for arrange and I told my mom about my relationship.

My parents are very against it because of caste/status differences and “what relatives will think.” My mom kept emotionally pressuring me for weeks saying things like:

“How will I show my face outside?”

“If you want him, leave this house.”

“If your dad finds out, he’ll get a heart attack.”

At one point she even threatened to harm herself if I chose him.

Still, I stayed calm and tried to handle things respectfully. I even asked her to talk to him once instead of judging immediately. Surprisingly, after almost a month, she finally spoke to him on the phone and told me she was okay with it and that she would help convince my dad slowly.

My mom herself asked him to tell his family about me because she wanted to know whether they were serious and whether his family would accept me.

He spoke to his mom, and she accepted me. They even said they are currently focusing on his elder brother’s marriage first and would think about ours only later, probably after 5–6 months once that wedding is completed.

I felt relieved for the first time in weeks.

But after my dad found out, everything completely changed.

Now both of them are acting like I destroyed the family. My mom suddenly behaves like she never agreed to anything. They told me to “go die,” “get out of the house,” leave my job, and marry him if I want him so badly. They keep emotionally cornering me and forcing me to answer whether I choose him or them.

When they pressured me directly asking if I still wanted him, I said yes honestly. After that, things got even worse.

Now they’re threatening to call him themselves and force a breakup. There’s constant shouting, cursing, emotional blackmail, and guilt-tripping at home every day.

The worst part is:

I never even said I wanted to get married immediately.

I just said I didn’t want to be forced into an arranged marriage alliance when I already love someone else.

I feel completely stuck between not wanting to hurt my parents, not wanting to lose someone I genuinely care about and not wanting to make a rushed decision because of pressure from either side.

Has anyone here gone through something similar with family pressure, caste issues, emotional blackmail, or parents threatening abandonment?

How did you handle it emotionally and practically?

Did things calm down with time?

I genuinely feel lost right now.

hi guys, the story has too many events and i genuinely feel depressed, therefore, my storytelling might be really bad

me (20F) my bf (21M) - now ex bf because we technically have to take a break but i will keep call him my bf in this post

we are dating for 4 years already and my parents know it. However, they never fully approve it because they said “not yet” “you guys are too young”

his parents are more open and wanted to invite our family to dinner multiple times. My dad rejected all, despite my mom telling him to agree. After many times, my bf’s parents felt like they are not getting the respect from my side and things started to get negative

His parents keep pushing him to tell me that I have to seek approval now to make the relationship official after years of dating. All I have to do was sit down w my parents and talk. Unfortunately, you all know, I can’t talk to them. You might think “just say it, what’s the matter”

1. I never talk about my life w my parents
2. What if my dad still say no and try to take control over my life?

I always “sneak” behind my parents just to have a bare minimum freedom. Yes I always study, I go out w ppl just to visit book store, restaurants, walking, etc. I need freedom to do good thing, I was never a bad kid who sneak for drugs or alcohol

For 6 months, I still cannot do it and we have to buy time buy call it a break w his parents: “we take a break to grow”. We can’t say parents was the only reason. It is to avoid conflict. He cannot lie to his parents so we have to really breakup to come back in a better situation.

From my side, I have to pretend we are still dating, keeping the story continous to not make my parents doubt us. We still telling our friends that we are doing fine.

However, it hurts me deeply. I genuinely feel depressed. I just want to talk w parents I couldn’t, now is affecting my life. I shouldn’t have to deal with this.

Of course it hurts my bf as well. He also faced endless pressure and stress for the past few months, trying to buy me time, etc

Now he feel really bad and said he needs some time and space to process this but I couldn’t do it. I kept asking question and it started to make us feel like I’m trying to rush and pressure him more. What should I do?

I don’t know what to do, everything needs to has a process and waiting time. I feel so depressed

Hello everyone, it's my first time posting and I really need advice.

I'm a second-generation european-born immigrant who was raised back in the homeland.

I'm currently focusing on my studies, but I started receiving suggestions related to marriage, especially when I moved back to europe, and I really don't know how to deal with it.

I find it easy to refuse and say no but no matter what I say, I cannot escape the conversation. the moment I start discussing my future plans for marriage, I get hit with suggestions from family like :

• "marry one of your cousins to save him from that miserable life"

• "marry one of them and when you bring him here, get a divorce"

• "if you wanna marry a stranger, make him pay to be brought here. if it is my nephew, don't ask for money, just do him a favour".

My dad acts civil the moment I strictly refuse and tell him I'm the one choosing, but I can sense he is unsatisfied. my dad is a nice responsible person, though he is kinda old fashioned.

what feels unreasonable is that he thinks if I choose my own partner, i will fall into a trap. This scares me the most because I already have a fear of marriage from constantly hearing about failed relationships.

- i totally sympathize with my cousins, but it is their lives, and they are responsible for them; I am not a hero to save them. In addition, I understand my dad only wants the best for his family and thinks I would settle down well if I chose one of them, it is like killing two birds with one stone for him. However, I hate the idea of being tangled up with relatives in the most precious relationship, which is marriage. I also cannot risk getting married to his nephews because my parents are separated and their families do not get along. I cant risk losing one side of my family for the other. Marrying into my fathers side feels like I would be distancing myself and cutting ties with my mother's family.

I'm soon turning eighteen, so as you can guess, I'm not thinking about getting married anytime soon, however, the unknown future is vague and unpredictable. I wanna know how to not get stressed out by my father's words, and stop being scared by the idea of marriage.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate it.

17F and going to be a senior in a US high school next year. My parents have always had an obsession with me getting into a "good college". One time when I was 6, my parents told me that I should go to Harvard when I grew up, and (because I didnt know what "harvard" was) I said that I wanted to be an astronaut and a writer instead. My father ended up beating me and telling me that I *have* to go to Harvard and stop having "stupid" aspirations.

This behavior just continued up until now, where they would continue threatening to k*ll me if I didn't get into Harvard, and how I would be an embarassment to the entire family. They just impose very extreme standards onto me, including yelling and beating me in my sleep if they find out that I went to bed before 12AM, because "going to sleep early proves you are weak and trades off with studying". My father yells at me almost every day and gives long ass monologues ranting about how I NEED to get into Harvard and that I will be a failure in life if I dont. He's genuinely so paranoid and weirdly obssessed that last year, he took me to the doctor and made me get an MRI because he thought there was something wrong with my brain and that I was "stupid" just because I wasn't meeting his extreme expectations of "studying hard enough" (ie: getting under 5 hours of sleep every day including weekends, waking up at 4 am every day, staying up after 12 am every day, constantly reading textbooks, having no breaks, etc). Last week, he beat me with an electric cord because he found out his colleague's son got into Yale and I didn't (mind you, his colleague's son is an entire year older than me and I have not even started applying to college yet...).

And the worst part is that this is actively detrimental to me getting into a "good college" anyway. My father is a narcissist who thinks that his ideas are always right, and he tells me that as long as I have a good GPA and good SAT score, I can be guaranteed to go to Harvard. He thinks that extracurriculars, leadership roles, teacher recommendations, etc are "useless" and has prevented me from leaving the house or staying after school to participate in extracurriculars because he views them as "childish activities for losers". I have won national level awards and he dismisses it as "childish" because he doesn't actually understand how US college admissions work.

This was just kinda a long rant but genuinely, what should I do in this situation? This is actually insufferable. My mother wants me to go to a selective local college (Rice, UT Austin) because it will allow her to control me better, as she thinks me moving to Massachusetts or some other state will cause me to cut off contact with them - but my father genuinely thinks any school besides Harvard is pointless and "full of failures".

As a kid I was growing up in allignment with western culture but my father was always discouraging my behaviour and trying to make me more asian...

Then I got wrecked by western world and there is no asian community for me.

Father is the type of person who only hang around other asian boomers. Unlucky

I'll go first, my mother often told me that I'm ugly and useless and no one would ever want me if not for her. Till day I still subconsciously think people are just being polite or even mocking me if they tell me I'm pretty.

Hi everyone, I'm asking for advice about how to deal with my Tiger mom who has been giving me the silent treatment for months.

CONTEXT: 33yo male in the medical field. Thought I achieved the dream my parents wanted for me. Started dating my current partner, who is more queer presenting, which they very much do not like. Also learned throughout my life to not share deep things with my parents as they always used these opportunities to criticize so they don't know much about my personal life anymore.

THE ISSUE NOW: Trying to reconnect with my parents but my mom refuses to answer any of my calls or texts. I'm going to see them this Memorial Day weekend but am very nervous about dealing with more cold shoulders without exploding in frustration.

How do you all deal with parents who refuse to apologize and always think the way they behave is correct? I want to still have some relationship with them but its extremely hard when they demonstrate minimal ability to grow.

Growing up, my Vietnamese parents would yell at me whenever I told them, well, anything. When I asked for more emotional support as a child because I was being bullied at school, they said that it was my fault because I was too tomboyish and rambunctious at school and I should put my head down to not draw attention. When I told my mom about my first crush in the third grade, she made fun of me and told my dad, even though I told her not to. When I asked for help on my homework, they would yell at me if I didn't understand an "easy" concept. Over time, I learned to keep everything to myself and become hyper-independent, maybe to a fault. When I was being tested for ADHD, my parents refused to pick up the results because ADHD was a "white people illness."

I'm 30 now, and every time I want to ask my partner for something I need/want from him, I clam up. It takes me hours to gather enough courage and strength to tell him verbally or via text. I think I'm being too needy. I think I'm being weak. I think I should just suck it up so I don't rock the boat, which leads to built up resentment. I think that's probably why most of my previous relationships ended, honestly. I hate that I'm feeling this way.

I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel very confused and emotionally shaken.

I’m an Indian daughter living in the U.S. I recently brought up my dad’s gambling problem to my mom. After that, things escalated badly. My mom (who is a well respected professional) confronted my dad (a successful businessman), and now both of them are not really talking to me. My mom sent me a series of messages explaining why they are “silent” with me. They have a lot of social capital in india, where they are well respected and looked up to for advice , help etc.. (I also believe they expect the same behavior from their kids)

(Things she doesnt think she did anything wrong, she came to visit me .. sprained her ankle while visiting my cousins place which is 20mins from my house and immediately changed her return ticket to a week advance without telling me, she did not tell me until she 2 days later, i raised my voice about how that is disrespectful and crazy to do, considering she was supposed to baby sit my daughter while i was at work)

Instead of addressing the gambling issue, she listed old incidents where she felt I behaved badly, things from past visits etc. It felt like she was building a case that I am a bad daughter. She also left family chats/video calls. (I have 2 kids, so I used to have a almost daily video call for a few mins with them)

She brought up property/gold for my kids, almost like saying she will still do grandparent/material duties but is emotionally cutting me off as her daughter. That part hurt a lot.

I am not trying to argue with her or “win.” I am genuinely trying to understand what is going on psychologically. Her reaction feels extreme, rejecting, and punishing. It feels like because I named a family problem, I am now the problem.

In my culture, confronting parents or exposing family issues can be seen as disrespectful or shameful. I understand that this may be culturally loaded. But the emotional cutoff, guilt, and refusal to discuss my pain feels very unhealthy.

I’m wondering, Is this emotional manipulation? Is this a shame-based reaction?
Does this sound like narcissistic traits, emotional immaturity, or something else?
How do I protect myself emotionally while still leaving the door open for a relationship?

I’m feeling grief, guilt, anger, and confusion all at once. Any perspective from people with similar parents/family dynamics would help.

Also my brother is most likely the favored sibling, which is the underlying tone. He never confronts them, where as I try to address the problem.

Hi, I have a question for all my Asian in the United State. Is it perfectly fine to ask me to give them $1000 every month as a gratitude allowance? I don’t live with them. I have my own family and I have never travel around the country in my life so far. I have two teenagers which I spend most of my money on. My parents get their earning from the retirement each month and they also keep all their money from the house they sold. They love to travel around the country every year and afraid they may run out of money. So, they demanded me to pay them allowance every month so they can live happy and stress free. I disagreed with their demands and now we disowned each other.

I am 21 F. Recently my dad passed away after my graduation. Even before his death, my family started pressurizing me for marriage very badly. But I am continuously saying no from that time to this minute as I am not ready and I am trying every day to convince them. Even on the day of his funeral, my relatives and my mom, granny have brought marriage topic. Immediately after my graduation, from the same day they (mom, granny, dad) started talking about marriage literally each and everyday and emotionally abusing me and creating tensions in home. they didn't even leave dad's death day.

Today one of my dad's close old friend called my mom to offer condolences and said that I am not married so he will get me married to someone. My mom said that I am not agreeing for marriage. He said that he will come to house soon and counsel me, convince me and he will make me agree for marriage and he said "main uski shaadi karaaunga apne haathon se." I am really worried about this. I don't want to marry right now. Actually if he says something he literally means that. My mom is actually a narcissist and leaves no stone unturned to mentally torture me.

I am already fighting each and every day from my graduation day without any break even in these mourning days. Every day is getting more heavy for me. What should I do about this? What should I do when this uncle comes to house and starts talking to me about this and starts convincing about this? How should I refuse and take stand for myself?

I asked my parents for a tattoo about 1 year ago and was planning to get it in Japan, I was 19 at the time. They said no… so then I asked again in February 2026, now 20… still a no. Today I’ve decided to make an appointment for Sunday to get that tattoo. Showed my dad the design I want, he didnt say no. Showed my mom, she got angry and said that I could move out of the house if I get it.
Now here’s the thing… yes, I love under my parents roof, and yes I was raised in an Asian household.

But ever since I was 15, I’ve barely bothered my parents for money, if I did, it was only to borrow. Nit because they don’t let me but more of, if I have the money, I’d rather not further burden my parents since they don’t make much.
I paid for my own CARs, my own car insurance, my expenses, phone, MacBook. I take care of my own schooling. The only thing I really rely on them for, is housing. I love my parents and they’ve done so so much for me, bringing me to this country and giving me a better life, so in return, I helped as much as I could. I took care of most paperwork for my family since I was in 5th grade, I help them take care of my sister and brother, I bought my dad a car… it was a clean ass Mercedes, older and used but hella nice.
I don’t smoke, dont drink, dont party, nothing that would have to make them worry about me.
I’m in a long term relationship, I go to College, figured out Fafsa on my own, and have a Job.
Basically, I don’t bother them with anything unless I really need to (which is basically never).

And now I want this tattoo, and shes saying how I can move out? Like cmon. I’m still gonna get it, because for once, I need to do something big for myself.

Back story: my sister who is now 15 as much as I love this girl, shes put my parents through hell.
Got suspended for bringing a vape to school, IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, continuously vaped even when my parents ground her, she tries to hide it. GETS into problems at school… and makes my parents hella worried. Pierced her own ears, thwn WENT AND PIERCED her nose after my parents said no. All she got was phone taken away, yelled at then grounded for a week (literally a slap on the wrist). My mom never liked her vaping, she hated that she did that and was hella mad. But she had a talk w me once saying how it was because of my sisters mental health, which I get… but damn…
How is it this 15 yr old girl whos fone nothing but asked for money, piss my parents off, make my parents constantly worry gets to do so many more things.

I know my mom is gonna take it as disrespect, me getting this tattoo, because she said no. But damn,,, I’m 20, let me live. I do everything right. All my aunts and uncles always praises me, I’m literally every parent’s dream come true… LIKE HONESTLY.

Kicking me out over a tattoo? Is that rly nessecary?

Even the good Asian parents can still have bad habits, which translate over to their kids. This is mainly due to cultural differences whereby a kid may be taught something that is "normal" to their culture but is considered taboo in Western culture.

What are some bad habits that you unfortunately developed that affected your daily life in the real world; as a result of Asian parenting?

I’m trying to make sense of a family situation that feels like decades of unresolved father/son issues finally spilling out.

My paternal grandfather has two sons. My uncle is the older one. He was always considered the more capable one growing up: good at school, ambitious, and very focused on getting ahead. When he was younger, he wanted to move overseas, first to the US, then Australia, then Japan. But for various reasons, those plans never really worked out.

During China’s opening-up period in the 90s, he started his own business and did very well for a while. His son studied accounting at a top university, joined a major company after graduating, and eventually moved into leadership. Later in life, my uncle also had a younger daughter in Hong Kong, which he believed would give her better options in the future.

My dad, on the other hand, was always treated as the “loser brother.” He struggled in school, got beaten by my grandfather for being mischievous or not doing well academically, and thought about quitting school as a teenager. His mother made him finish high school. He later left his state-owned workplace during the privatization era and eventually joined my uncle’s company. He worked extremely hard but was always at odds with my uncle and others, and was often disrespected and underpaid.

As my dad’s son, I didn’t start out looking much better in the family hierarchy. Unlike my uncle’s son, I got into a lower-tier college and majored in a “useless” liberal arts degree. At one family dinner, my uncle talked down to me about it. Later, when I decided to go overseas for graduate study and immigration, he dismissed that too, partly because he saw the country as a second-tier immigration option, “lesser” than the US.

But things eventually worked out. I did well academically, built a career, eventually moved to Canada, and now work in tech with a senior title. My son was born in Canada last year.

My uncle’s attitude changed during the process. He started to engage with my posts on social media, something that had never happened previously. At the time, I thought he was happy for me.

Over time, the family narrative seemed to shift too. At family gatherings, my grandfather started praising me for having the “most senior title” in the family. Another older relative said I was the one doing best among the younger generation. I don’t even enjoy this kind of praise, because it feels like the same toxic ranking system, just with me temporarily on the “winning” side.

Meanwhile, my uncle’s business has apparently been struggling for years and is now close to bankruptcy. His younger daughter received university offers from North America, but ended up staying in Hong Kong because overseas tuition was too expensive. At the same time, my uncle has become increasingly vocal about how “Western countries” are bad and how China is superior, even though he himself once wanted to move abroad and his family clearly considered overseas education.

Recently, my dad was preparing to visit me and meet my son. Before he left, my uncle insisted on hosting a family meal for him, even though my dad initially declined. My grandfather was invited too.

During the meal, my uncle apparently made his usual dismissive comments about the West. Then my grandfather made a comparison between my uncle’s grandson and my son, saying both seemed to be doing well by contrast. My uncle exploded and scolded my elderly grandfather loudly in front of everyone, asking why he would compare his great grandchildren like that.

My grandfather felt humiliated and stopped going to my uncle’s house for his usual weekly visits to see the great-grandson.

Now I’m sitting here wondering what to make of all this.

Part of me thinks my uncle is right that children shouldn’t be compared. But it also feels hypocritical, because comparison was fine when my dad and I were the ones being looked down on. It only became unacceptable when the comparison touched his own branch of the family.

I also wonder whether his constant China-vs-West comments are really about politics, or whether they’re a way of protecting himself from envy, regret, or loss of face. His own overseas ambitions didn’t work out. His daughter couldn’t afford overseas tuition. His business is struggling. Meanwhile, the “loser brother’s” son ended up building a life abroad and having a child there, which is something he had once wanted to achieve himself.

I’m honestly exhausted by the whole family status game. I don’t want my son to become another symbol in some multi-generation competition. I don’t want my career, immigration status, or child to be used as proof that one family branch “won.” I also don’t want cheap performance-based admiration from relatives who used to dismiss me.

I just want to live peacefully.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of East Asian family face culture, male status anxiety, or multi-generation comparison? How do you stay connected to family without letting your child or your life become part of the scoreboard?

Sorry if any parts sound a bit polished or unnatural. English is not my first language, and I used AI to clean up the wording.

EDIT: Thanks for all the comments and recommendations.

My clean takeaway is this: My uncle hurt my dad and me, but he may also be a product of the same favoritism that damaged everyone.

This does not mean I need to sympathize endlessly or accept bad behavior. It just means I can understand the mechanism without joining it.

The practical lesson for me as a new dad is this:
Do not make my son the winner.
Do not make anyone else’s child the loser.

That is how this chain breaks.

I need to leave my house. I can’t stand this anymore. I have no money but I want to get out of my house NOW. This instant. I want to move out NOW. I don’t want to live in my house a single day longer.

There MUST be a way I can leave. Please please offer any help.

anyone’s Asian parents took our your money before like using your credit card to pay off something or using your college FAFSA money for themselves and how did they stop or not stop ?

I have no choice but to live with my parents because I have no fucking money. And because I live with them, I have to sit and listen to them lecture me over and over again about why I should go to law school. I’m literally only taking the fucking LSAT to get them to shut the fuck up about it. The last time I tried to put my foot down and told them all the reasons why I didn’t want to go to law school, we had the most explosive argument ever and I cried so hard.

I gave them all these reasons why I didn’t want to go:
• I told them my mental health was so bad and that law school would make it worse. Of course, my parents don’t believe in mental health struggles so they said law school would actually help my mental health (how the fuck does that even work?)
• I told them law school would make me suicidal and that I’m scared I might kill myself if I go to law school (this offended them and made them scream at me louder)
• I told them I didn’t even want to be a lawyer (they told me I don’t need to be a lawyer, but I should still go to law school because I could do anything I wanted after that and make a lot of money somehow)
• I told them about how every time I try to study for the LSAT, I just sit at my desk staring at my textbook and I just dissociate and feel like crying (they told me “but NOBODY likes studying for the LSAT, that’s normal”)

My parents keep asking me “well then what other plan do you have?” But whenever I tell them something I want to do with my life, it’s not good enough. I want to join the fire department, but it’s not as prestigious as my parents want, so I’ve been keeping it a secret but it’s been a struggle to break into that career.

I feel trapped. I wish I could just somehow win the lottery so I could move far away from my parents and never look back, and I feel terrible about that because my parents love me and keep a roof over my head, feed me, buy stuff for me. I feel guilty that if I had the opportunity, I’d leave them in an instant. None of my white friends understand. The keep telling me “just tell them no, you’re an adult.” And it’s like, yeah, I’m an adult, but I’m financially dependent on my parents and I have no life.

so basically yesterday my mom was drinking because apparently drinking before bed helps her go to sleep, while she was doing this my baby brother woke up from his nap and since he hadn't got enough sleep, he started crying, i was near him and my mom barged in and literally started screaming at me for no reason saying: "why the f*ck is he crying??" and "i'm gonna slap the sh*t out of you" and i was really confused and i don't take being yelled at easily so i kinda just froze and tried backing away from her when she just slapped me. for the cherry on top, my birthday is tomorrow!! which she said she didn't really get me much. but anyway yeah

Has anyone been in a transactional visa marriage with an ex or something similar with someone you weren’t to keen on but felt safety in the struggle together?