My parents want me to permanently move back home so they can get me married, but I have built an independent life in Mumbai. What should I do?
I’m 31F going to be 32 from a very conservative family/community in India, and I’m honestly terrified and confused about what to do next.
My parents have been putting pressure on me to get married since I was around 16 and even though I'm gonna be 32 I'll have no say in my own marriage. I grew up in a very restrictive environment. There are a lot of expectations around how women should behave — covering your face, not working, doing most of the household responsibilities, not being “too independent” or feminist, etc. My parents are also very strict, and there has always been emotional pressure around these things.
I have an MBA and several other skills/certifications, including digital marketing, stenography, typing, mehndi and beautician skills. I’ve wanted to work and build my own identity for a long time, but my parents have never really allowed me to have a job or live independently.
A few years ago, I got an opportunity to study in Mumbai. I didn’t tell my parents the full truth about my plans because I knew they wouldn’t allow me to go. I moved to Mumbai, and I ended up living there independently for 3 years.
During those 3 years, I worked, supported myself financially, managed my own life and became independent. Mumbai gave me a completely different lifestyle and, more importantly, a sense of identity and freedom that I had never experienced before.
I recently came home to visit my parents for a short break.
They believe I’m going back to Mumbai for my studies/work and that I’ll return home permanently after some time. When they asked me when I would be coming back, I panicked and told them that I would return around the end of August. I even agreed when my father told my mother to go around that time and help me bring all my belongings back.
I know I lied to them about my plans. I feel guilty about that, but at that moment I genuinely couldn’t tell them, “I’m not coming back permanently,” because I was scared of their reaction.
I have now returned to Mumbai.
And this is where I’m struggling.
My mother is already telling me to pack all my documents and belongings.
But I don’t want to move back permanently.
I want to continue living and working in Mumbai. I have already built a life here. I’m financially independent here, and I genuinely feel like myself here.
I love my parents. I don’t want to abandon them or cut them off. But I also feel like I love myself enough to not give up my entire identity and independence just to satisfy their expectations. They never allowed me to make friends or go out even going on terrace felt like freedom.
I’m also scared that if I permanently move back home, the restrictions will start again and the marriage pressure will become much worse. I don’t want to get married just because my parents/community think it’s time. I cannot imagine marrying a random person and then potentially spending the rest of my life in another restrictive household.
I’m 31, financially independent and capable of taking care of myself. I know I have the right to make my own decisions, but emotionally this is extremely difficult because these are my parents and I love them.
The biggest problem is that they currently have no idea that I have no intention of returning permanently.
They think I’m coming back.
I’m terrified of what will happen when I tell them the truth.
I’m worried about anger, emotional blackmail, guilt, pressure, and them trying to convince me that I’m ruining my life or the family’s reputation. I also don’t know how they will react when they realize that I have actually made up my mind.
At the same time, I feel like if I don’t stand up for myself now, I may never get another chance.
I’m not asking whether I’m right or wrong for loving my parents. I genuinely do love them.
I’m asking people who have dealt with very conservative/controlling families:
How do you handle parents who want you to give up your independent life and return home for marriage?
How do I have this conversation without completely destroying my relationship with them?
And for anyone who has actually gone through something similar — what happened when you finally chose your own life?
I’m honestly very anxious right now and could use some perspective.