Am I a bad son ?
I am 20 right now and I need an honest sanity check from parents: Am I a terrible son for planning to secretly leave home at 22 to escape an arranged marriage?
I really need an honest, unbiased perspective from parents and mature adults. In 18 months, when I graduate from university at age 22, I plan to quietly pack my life into a few bags, move into an apartment I am secretly saving up for, and leave a detailed letter behind on my bed. I am not doing this to be rebellious, to party, or to cut my family off. I am doing it because it feels like the only way to save my own life and future without destroying my mental health.
Parents' Perspective & Family Context • I am the youngest of 6 children (my eldest sibling is 42). My parents act out of deep tradition, a desire to secure my future, and genuine love. They constantly go out of their way for me, which makes the guilt so brutal—they aren't monsters, but their love is strictly conditional on total obedience regarding marriage. Processing the guilt of hurting people who love me is the absolute hardest part of this. My five older siblings all had traditional arranged marriages without any conflict. • My parents have a strong support system at home—multiple adult siblings live nearby or visit daily, alongside nieces and nephews whom I deeply love.
The Cultural Stakes We live in a very tight-knit, closed society. An arrangement was made four years ago with an uncle back home. The prospective bride’s family has been waiting for my graduation. Breaking this arrangement risks significant social stigma and reputational damage for her family in our community. How I Got Trapped at 18 • When my parents first brought it up, I said a clear, firm "no" repeatedly for 6 months to 5 different family members. • After a trip to our home country, my father asked me again late at night. Exhausted, overwhelmed, and in pure disbelief that my "no" was being ignored again, I just smiled. My father took that silent smile as agreement and confirmed the marriage with her family. • When I protested ("I never said yes"), I was told "it's too late, we already told them." After six months of relentless family lectures and voice notes, I eventually surrendered out of sheer emotional exhaustion. That final verbal yield at 18 was purely a survival response to keep the peace and stop the endless conflict—it was a complete emotional breakdown under pressure, not a genuine choice.
Current Situation & My Plan at 22 • Things at home are quieter now, though subtle control and expectations remain (e.g., tracking my university schedule via WhatsApp, expecting attendance at 3-day non-mandatory monthly religious events). We mostly live parallel lives. • I am working part-time alongside full-time university to save enough money to move out the moment I graduate.
• Why Living in Secrecy is Necessary: This is not for "fun" or freedom. Because our community is extremely tight-knit and pervasive, I will have to live very secretly afterward. I am genuinely scared of what my family or community might do if they find where I live.
• No Option to Move Back: In my traditional family and community, executing a secret move-out will permanently burn the bridge. There is no option to "try it out and come back." It is a complete point of no return. • Why Not Talk Face-to-Face? Past experience proved that speaking up in person leads to months-long pressure campaigns that completely dismantle my boundaries. Leaving quietly with a signed lease is the only way I know my choice will survive contact with the family. • My letter will keep the door open for phone calls, visits, and a loving relationship—provided there is no pressure to move back, track my location, or go through with the marriage.
My Questions for Parents & Experienced Adults
- From a parent's perspective, am I being selfish or a bad son for choosing to leave secretly at 22 rather than trying to "talk it out" again, when talking face-to-face has never worked for me?
- Given the tight-knit nature of our society, my fear of being tracked down, and the fact that my parents have extensive family support at home, is this extreme choice understandable as self-preservation?
EDIT : I do love my family a lot , and they do love me Aswell and they go out of their way for me sometimes , they are not abusive parents . That's why I feel so guilty doing this . 😔