r/AskOldPeopleAdvice

I'd love some advice on what to do in my relationship. I'm going to be 40 in a few months, my partner (35f) and I have been together 4.5 years. I've had past relationships, but nothing nearly this long. 

We love each other, and we get along really well in that best friends kind of way. Endless jokes, same energy levels, same humor. There's a lot of banter, flirtation, joking around. Lots of shared interests. We're attracted to each other, and we both care about physical fitness, which I think will be a focus long-term. We're aligned on wanting kids and starting a family. We're both white collar professionals. Both in similar mindsets in terms of spending time with and taking care of our families...we have similar cultural backgrounds. 

However, we also have some big differences in values. She's really into status, looks, money, and feels that ultimately those things are what people judge you on. She'll take hours to get ready just to grab a beer down the street. I care about those things too, but not to the same extent. She's extremely modern but is attracted to traditional gender roles, for example, a man who provides (even though she works/earns a lot), opens doors, and takes care of her. Most importantly, she grew up in a household where criticism, raised voices, and fighting, were the norm, and it's a part of her. 

Because of all of the above, I feel like she doesn't respect some parts of me and is often critical, which leads to conflict, and given her style, this results in more fighting/raised voices than I'd like. For example, she's attracted to job titles, and wishes I had as much education as she does (like a pHD or something). She's worried my field is being hit by AI, wants me to dress better, hit the gym a bit more, and kind of sees me as a naive/innocent late bloomer guy. She's quite open about it all - little comments here and there, pushing me for that better job title, saying, "You're not wearing that out," and "oh my god you're such a slow driver" (she's a bit of a road rager). Her family loves each other, but often has a "shame to change" mentality common in eastern families - she's a bit like that too. 

I'd say we bicker about something small at least once, maybe twice a day, and then seriously argue for half an hour once every week or two about something bigger. She doesn't feel this is a problem or something that needs work, given her background - she feels it's normal and she's just being who she is. All of this has escalated over the last couple of years when life became more stressful.

Overall, she's the more stress-activated, short-fused, sassy, and unapologeticly her person who wants what she wants, including many of the things I do or bring to the table... and I worry that if I don't want to fight (which I don't) I'm always going to be the peacemaker, and she'll always be the fiery one who states her wants and I react. I worry I'll feel disrespected and shrink over time, especially if I stagnate career wise, which is a very real possibility for my field given AI encroachment).  

I love her and am extremely attached to her, and I'm also scared that a future with her will be stressful. We've tried therapy, which helped a little but not much. I feel like at this point I have to either call it off, or say, "Hey, this is who she is," and accept that my life may require asserting myself for my own self respect and include a good bit of conflict alongside the many good parts. If I go with the former, I think I can get dates in my city; but in addition to dealing with the heartbreak I'd also like to have kids and start a family by 45, which might be hard considering I'm approaching 40? 

Any advice on what to do? Please be kind, I know I should've addressed this earlier. 

Recently, over the past month or so, I’ve developed this overwhelming sadness and anxiety about time passing, growing up, and losing the moments I’m living right now. I know realistically that everyone grows up and that it’s a privilege and that change is a normal part of life, but emotionally I’m absolutely devastated by it. It’s gotten to the point where it’s becoming hard to enjoy the present because I’m constantly thinking about how these moments will eventually be gone.

I’m about to enter my senior year of high school, and instead of feeling excited, I feel like I’m grieving it before it’s even over. I keep thinking about how I’m never going to get these exact moments back again. I’m scared that one day I’ll blink and be 30, 60, or 80 years old desperately wishing I could go back and relive all of this, and it feels like I’m racing against time trying to appreciate everything and slow down time before its gone.

I’m grieving things I never even realized meant this much to me. Little everyday moments like getting called out of school and being picked up by a family member, the “annoying” noises my dad makes, hearing him get ready in the morning, him driving me to or picking me up from work, conversations with my grandma, late-night Walmart runs with family, shopping with my mom.. I could go on and on. Lately I keep thinking about being older someday and desperately missing these moments, and it makes me incredibly upset knowing I can’t keep them forever. I think a lot about my dad and grandma getting older, especially because my grandma has talked about being near death, and it’s making everything feel so real and terrifying to me. I know loss is a normal part of life, but realizing that one day these people and moments won’t be here anymore genuinely scares me. What makes it worse is that even while these moments are happening, part of me is already grieving them. I’m constantly aware that time is passing and that one day this part of my life will just be a memory. I know I’ll grow older and hopefully have future friends, relationships, and maybe even a family of my own someday, to help me and create new memories but right now that thought doesn’t really comfort me because I don’t want to lose what I have now. I feel like I’m racing against time trying to appreciate everything before it’s gone, and it’s gotten to the point where it’s hard to stay present and enjoy life normally. I don’t really know what to do anymore. I’ve considered therapy or talking to my parents, but I honestly don’t even know how to begin explaining this to someone face to face. Do not get me wrong I don’t necessarily struggle with face to face conversation, it’s more of having to explain all this to a parent who might not event get it.. putting this here at least gives me the chance to find someone who understands. I’d really appreciate advice from someone older than myself, thank you in advance.

TLDR: I’ve become overwhelmed with sadness about growing up and eventually losing the little everyday moments with my family.

Why are some so rude and some super sweet? Did it all come down if they are unhappy and end up hurting others because they got hurt while the sweet lived a happy life?

I knew this person for about 5 months. Noticed he was active on apps, asked for exclusivity, he said yes. Exclusive for less than a month because he decided he wanted out. I’m still so attached to the idea of if things had just worked out, if I could go back in time to the beginning to when he still liked me back properly, if I could have just known xyz or done xyz, and if I’ll ever have those feelings again for someone else again. I know he left for someone else. But I can’t quite get over it. I know I’m decent looking, but I can’t bring myself to ever feel like I’ll be enough. I feel the need to fix more things about my appearance in the hopes that I won’t be rejected like this again, but I know it had nothing to do with my looks. I just want that love and connection and the feeling of being special again. I want to forget this past and move forward with what I’ve learned but I’m struggling with wishing I could just have him back. I feel so pathetic. I don’t want to keep crying over someone and thinking of someone that could not care less and stopped wanting me a long time ago. I have such a hard time letting go though.

I just need some opinions on if this is okay to be upset over.

So me and my boyfriend see each other 3 days a week (his plan). The days together are every 3 days I stay at his family home for 3 nights a week. Most of the time they land on evenings and we both work full time so we don't really do much apart from cook dinner and go to bed. But when the days we are together land on a Weekend I feel like im not important.

For context I have never once told him not to see him friends, he goes out with them most weekends which is fine, but im left in his bedroom on my own as it is a boys only thing. This has been like this for years now and even after work too when we are together so hes late picking me up etc.

I said to him the other week let's make a plan to do stuff together which is going out and doing things, he agreed. We both had a day off work which was rare for a weekday and I asked if we could go shopping together for his friends bbq the day after, he said yes. 10 mins later He got called into work for an hour and called me and said that the boys was going to golf and he would really like to go, I said that we had our plans but if he'd rather go do golf thats fine but he could tell I was bummed. He kept saying 'id like to go I haven't been in 3 weeks', so I said well you've already made the choice of what you'd rather do otherwise you wouldn't be calling, so I said he can go if he wanted. he went to golf and I went and did our plans alone. He took me shopping the next day instead and then we went to his friends bbq in the afternoon. Ive made plans the next week again, I said let's go to breakfast. He agreed, then 2 days before he tells me that breakfast will have to be pushed back to the afternoon because hes going out with his friends fir his friends bday the night before and he will be hungover and will need more sleep. I got a bit upset and said I didn't mind the first time but I feel like im not a priority. He told me to fuck off and that I need to be more understanding and he said 'and you wonder why I don't want to do things with you'. I felt awful I didn't want him to feel like I was trying to control him. So this week ive said to him that maybe it will be a good idea if we had a planned day together a week. where its written off for other plans and its only a day for us, I said Friday and Saturday can do what he wants and that he doesn't have to see me, even if im at his im happy for him to go out and ill just chill in his room, as long as the Sunday we make a plan. He said to me 'but some of my mates want to go golf on Saturday and I have others who like to go on sundays and id go to both days'.

Am I being too much? im really trying to explain how I feel without coming across as controlling or being hard work.

Hi all. I'm looking for advice from people who were able to salavage their relationship, even though they kept fighting over the same thing. Or conversely, from people who walked away and how they managed it. What have you tried before you did?

My bf and I have been together for 9 years. We have always had two main issues. I fail at chores, I'm forgetful and I do not make big decisions nor consistent positive changes in my life. He constantly criticizes me, has anger issues, and is verbally abusive.

For 9 years I told myself if I try hard enough he would not get angry with me, and he told me the same thing. A year ago he agreed to change, but we have hit a crisis now, and he maintains I must change before I can demand it from him.

My problem is, that I really do see faults in myself. None of my friends would call me lazy, and I believe I do more chores and side activites than most people I know, heavily including my boyfriend. But I do specifically fail to act at his request, such as arranging moves, coming up with idea for out life, or developing a healthy routine for myself. My excuse is usually that I do most of the daily upkeep, including our small business (I do) and that I cannot perform well when he screams at me almost daily. I DO try. But I do not know if I try hard enough. There were periods in our life when I had no excuse, and still did not pursue my passions out of laziness.

I suppose what I am asking is, should I motivate myself to give it all? I don't know how, but I fear that I will always regret it if I don't. I love him so very much and I cannot believe I would not see him grow old. At the same time, I have been consistently unhappy and hurt for years, and I don't know if I should just accept my flaw and his flaws, and let him go.

Any advice from anyone looking back on staying/leaving is welcome.

Upgraded to model BP 7360 after 2 years with BP 7100. 3 months in the new model started with once a week Afib, then once a day. Now every BP recording. PCP administered 12 lead ECG: no Afib. Cardiologist 12 lead, no Afib. 14 days with Holter monitor, no Afib. 88 y/o male. Omron agreed to replace unit. 7 days in and no contact but did get UPS return label to send unit back. Promised replacement before return. Today, CS closed altho supposed to be open till 4 PM CT. Liars?

I'm on a trip with my family and my grandma who is 78 stole some cups from the previous hotel we stayed at yesterday. We found out today and she said she thought they were free for us to take. My mom said she has never done anything like this before, and she's never done this on our previous trips. Is loss of judgement normal as someone ages and should I be concerned?

How to deal with BF’s female best friend (who doesn’t know about me) even though BF claims everything is platonic?

I’ve noticed a lot of people around my age feel behind in life constantly. Career, money, relationships, status, timelines, home ownership, purpose, all of it.

Curious from older people who’ve already lived through those decades. Looking back now, what ended up mattering less than you thought it would, and what actually mattered more?

I’ve dating someone for two years and she’s at first, felt like my person. We are in a 30s and I ran into an incident the other day. She just realized a store clerk she’s friendly with and talks to often is a girl I dated for 2months, 6 years ago. I told her we use to talk and in passing with the conversation the other day it came up. She upset because she thought i was lying and hiding that fact. She said she wouldn’t be so friendly with a girl who I slept with. She told me I should have told her I slept with her but my reply was we use to talk meaning slang for date when I first figured it out a year ago. I didn’t go into details because I thought that would be weird. And I also don’t like her so I never go to that store which she knew. I felt like it was an honest misunderstanding and sometimes she goes through monthly depressions and I’m afraid this would trigger them.
Later in the convo I gave her example of a friend I met of hers in passing and that I didn’t know she hooked up with once. I told her most adults wouldn’t care about this (prly not the best use of words) but she told me some adults do and some adults don’t.
I talked to my friends and they’re telling this is a huge red flag and I should run.
Is this a big deal? What Could I have done better?

I knew my husband before I had a driver's license. He was always hitting on girls, tons of cheating rumors, but never proof until after I had our 1st, with our 1st child. I left, and we reconciled a few years later we had our youngest. Then I found out he had a relationship with my 1st cousin, who is 10 years younger than him. He never told me. I found pictures. We have tried reconciling. Had both good and terrible days. He doesn't want to break up, I've offered it many times with only commitment being the kids. He doesn't have to pay any support for me, and we split the kids' costs. Offered our home & all furniture. He says he loves me and wants me. YET - We never have sex. I'm talking for years, maybe, 3x a year for the last 5 years. I'm very unhappy - I've told him. He ignores all conversations and says we're "stuck" together.

He works 12-14 hrs a day. Every week. He is alone at his office after 3 pm. Neighbor told me about live cam sex and that he speaks so low of me behind my back. It breaks my heart. I don't want to sound bad. I have flaws, but I have stayed attractive, I had to lose babuweight after our last. But I'm the sane weight as before, babies. Men hit on me when I went out. Which is very rare anymore. He didn't care when I said the neighbor begged to sleep with me. He said something but then was all best friends following. Them the neighbor tried to kiss me & kept saying come on .... please kiss me with lips and being too close to my face. I told him this & he didn't care at all. After that, I looked into the live sex accusations, and they're true. Live interactive paid services, plus secret message boards. apps, secret sites, signal, telegram, interpals, livecam24, matrdon whatever its called. I didn't u understand why i wasn't enough in my early 20s, Ileft him ar 27, and he did everything to stay connected to me. Not just our child. We reconciled when i was 30, engaed again, had our 2nd. Then it was reliving a nightmare i had been through but nych worse, betrayal with family member. My youngest 1st cousin. I'm a good woman and not boring privately with him when we did have a *** life. There was never a reason for him to string me along from the start. I pray talking to normal people helps me find my strength again. I was always loving.but never stupid and I was strong. He took all everything from me. But God blessed me with my 2 babies I'm lonely and hurt, and I need honesty and respect. I should say 25 years, 2 children.. He keeps his finances a secret. I know, just leave. He wanted me home for our kids - I'm extremely grateful. I think I deserved upfront honesty at the least after forgiving the unforgivable after his teary-eyed apology.

Any advice - Helps.

Ladies- I love to hear from you. We have to keep sisterhood alive. Im really interested in a male perspective in this post, brutal honesty, if needed.

Im praying I meet the person who is meant for me, I don'twantto entermy bext decade in confusion again like the 2 prior. In my 30s still, I'm loving, I know his betrayals did a number on my heart and health. Any husband - please tell me the truth of what is happening here, please.

had unconscious self hate for most of my life and the truth is that it’s normal for me to feel that way about myself given how i reacted to life. The more Im becoming disillusioned with the healing process, the more I believe that we never reach unconditional love for ourselves, or our lower self, but that we can potentially be ok with ourselves/it.

Have you managed to get there? I can’t imagine that it’s an easy road, and it probably takes a lot of time, understanding, forgiveness and change for that to be a real possibility. Please share your thoughts. Maybe there is something I never expected that would
Come as an epiphany.

As the title says, for a better successful life, what is something I should prepare for before, saving better? investing? learning that? I learn for a better future but it's always good to see what others can tell you that you didn't have in mind.

Okay, I’ll start by saying that I realize I am lucky to have these two opportunities land in my lap. I am just very overwhelmed and could use some unbiased advice.

I am a video editor, and also work in video production. I have a gig scheduled in June, but the team is completely toxic so I am backing out. It turns out my parents and uncle decided to go Italy at that same time, so I decided to tag along last minute, now that I’ll be free. For context, my family never travels together. Our last trip was maybe when I was 16…I’m 30. So this is really exciting.

I was settled on this plan and so happy about it. Looking forward to this trip has relieved a lot of stress related to my issues with this job and team.

BUT then today, I received another work opportunity that would conflict with the vacation. It’s a ten day shoot in Africa, and then I would edit the video after that. For context, I entered this industry with the hopes of working on African wildlife docs. This video is not about wildlife, but it’s still obviously exciting. I already have a relationship with the employer so I don’t feel like I’d lose out on future opportunities if I turned it down, but of course there’s always a chance of that. So this could help solidify my spot in their roster for future shoots (maybe even wildlife ones). But again, I’m not so sure that that isn’t already the case. And I could emphasize to them that that’s is my dream.

My conflict is - how do I choose? What would you do? A few years ago, I’d choose work. No question. And if this shoot was about wildlife, I’d 100% just take it. But I’m not as passionate about this subject. And the older I get, the more I realize what really matters. Family, experiences, memories. Especially as my parents get older. And like I said, this isn’t something that my family does often. Still, a shoot in Africa would obviously be an incredible experience too. And this is a higher caliber of work than I usually get.

HELP!!! I realize that only I can make this decision. But I’d love to know what others would do.

Thank you!!!

My mom asked for my “boyfriend’s” surname and without even thinking, I gave her my girlfriend’s surname. The second it came out of my mouth I realized what I’d done and now I’m panicking.

I know it was stupid. I genuinely just didn’t think before answering and now I can’t stop spiraling over it. My mom has said before that if I were a lesbian she’d disown me, so this fear isn’t coming from nowhere.

The problem is my girlfriend has an old Facebook account with pictures on it, and she can’t get back into the account to delete or private it. I’m terrified my mom is going to search the surname, find the account, connect the dots, and everything will blow up.

I live in a pretty homophobic environment and I’m financially dependent on my family, so this feels really serious to me. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I got disowned right now.

Has anyone else ever made a panic mistake like this? I feel sick over it.

Maybe this sounds like a dumb question, but this is the second time I’ve caught my boyfriend paying for live sexual videos with another person and masturbating with them. I feel like deep down I already know the answer, but I genuinely need outside perspective, would you consider this cheating? We’re in a long-distance relationship, and part of what scares me is wondering if this could eventually turn into something physical in person. Honestly, the thought of that happening would completely break my heart.

Hey

Im a 22f and I work in a company where Im the only woman if we dont count my boss's wife. I notice that the men are taken much more seriously even if they are the same age than me. I can sense that people think Im "Just cute" and the work I do is just somewhere after that. Will this change when Im older?

Help I’m 23, in a relationship and confused!

I (23f) and my boyfriend (26M) have been together for coming up to 3 years now.

We lived together for 2 of those years and it was very rocky. I moved back home at the start of this year but we have remained together and still see everyone a few times a week to go out of have sleepovers.

Since I’ve had this time to myself, I’ve noticed that I’m feeling a lot more free and wanting to make plans with friends again and just generally a little happier. It’s nice to see him and I love spending time with him and we do fun things together.

The downside is he’s not financially stable. He works full time but he also has to pay his rent and bills by himself which means he doesn’t have money for other things. Multiple times now I have had to send him money for gas or his phone bill or food. He has even told me to eat before coming to his place because he doesn’t have anything for me to eat there.

He’s also just a little messy, his house is all sorts, dishes, mess, bins haven’t gone out. I think he thought that I was the one making all the mess when we were living together but it was actually just him.

This puts me in an endless loop of sending money, getting paid back, paying for activities we do together etc.

I’ve also noticed that I just don’t feel as sexually motivated as I used to feel in our relationship. It just makes me feel anxious now and not too sure why. I feel like our chemistry just is off.

Again I love spending time with him and chatting, he’s funny, quick and witty and kind. We’re in the best place together we have been in a while.

I can’t help but feel like I deserve more? That sounds rude but I know there’s someone out there I won’t have to support constantly or that always relies on me. I just don’t know if I should stay in this relationship or not. I love him to bits but I can see a brighter future for myself. I love him and my life will be so horrible and hard without him because he emotionally supports me a lot but what do I do?

I’m also in my early 20s I feel like these are really important years to explore myself and my identity.

I also just don’t know how to go about the healing process if we do breakup as we have lots of intertwining friends. And I’m scared he will hate me.

TLDR:
Bf 26m) and I (23f) are living separately after living together, I’ve realised I’m more independent, and enjoying life more. He’s loving and emotionally supportive, but he struggles financially, relies on me a lot, and I often end up covering things like food, gas, and activities. He’s also pretty messy and I’ve noticed our sexual chemistry feels off now. I still love him and enjoy being around him, but I can’t shake the feeling that I want more from a relationship and a more stable future. I’m torn between staying because I love him and enjoy him or leaving because I feel like I’m outgrowing the relationship.

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