r/AskOldPeopleAdvice

I'm 33F and feels like I'm just failing at life, like in a limbo and dunno what to do, where to go. I'm herently very driven life and had a life plan at 20, some of the milestones I did end up hitting but so behind on the others.

I started my career at 22, in STEM, worked at Big 4s until last year and had some hiccups/promo rejections but made it to senior manager. I also started a LTR at 20 and thought he was the one but due to core incompatibilities (smoking, financial hygiene) I broke up with him at 26. He married someone 5 months later and even has a baby now.

Just as I recovered I got thrown into online dating and covid. I went through so many harsh experiences but also had to watch my prime years get wasted due to lockdowns. I tried nonetheless but by 2023 I had so many painful experiences (love bombing, ghosting manipulation, sexism, being inappropriately touched) despite my heavy filtering with so many guys I took a huge break.

I finally found someone at 31, my second relationship, I loved him so much. He told me he wanted to marry and have kids, introduced me to his whole extended family, friends also coworkers. We had great chemistry and compatibility on paper but he could barely meet me more than once a week, at max twice a week. He'd constantly double/tripple book me or cancelling on me last sec, having me wait for hours at times. Rarely 15-20min phone calls. I drove to him mostly, planned most of the dates, paid for a chunk of the dates, bought his family gifts and he still called me a gold digger for expecting to dine twice a week. He said he was too busy with his family/hobbies/events and struggled to prioritize me. He also said expecting him to drop everything when I was in trouble was selfish of me, I had a death in the family.

We dated for 1 years and had an on/off dynamic for another 7-8 months.

Now I exited from Big 4 for a chill job to make room for this relationship, potentially get married and have kids. Now I have way too much time I feel so unproductive, I have no idea what to do. I have tried dating again ofc but I have no hopes from it, I'm 7 years now in and been on a billion dates. I feel that I'm unloveable at this point and that no matter what I do, I wont find my person. I can go back to my ex and completely be a doormat with no self respect but atleast I could have a baby that way.

Alternatively, should I move countries - I'm in Toronto, should I go back to consulting and chase the partner track? I'm pretty secure professionally and financially, don't see the urge to pursue it but how else can I even grow?

I feel so stagnant. I dunno what the right path, I'm so demotivated, I feel like just rotting in my bed. Lack of growth is suffocating me.

I’m turning 30 this year. He cheated (kissed someone else a few times). My world feels shattered. I lost hope in love and am scared to do this all over again. I do eventually want to get married and have kids, but I feel like that feels impossible now. Also, don’t know who to trust and if my person is even out there… I thought he was my person. Will he just be better for the person he truly wants?

I'm in my early 40s and I have had multiple traumatic events in my life, beginning at age 4. It got me thinking about whether there will be many more to come if I live to old age.

How many very impactful traumas would you say you've experienced? How has it helped or hindered you?

I know there's no "normal" but I do wonder if I just feel things too deeply or if I have truly had a challenging life. It would help to hear from others, especially those older than me. Thanks!

I'm 33 years old, and I've never been in a relationship or had sex. The closest I ever got was going on one date with a girl. We kissed a few times, but nothing happened after that.

The problem is that lately this has stopped being just something that makes me sad once in a while and has turned into an obsession. I have a hard time focusing on my job, my daily responsibilities, or enjoying anything because my mind always goes back to the same issue. I feel a mix of frustration and envy when I see that, for most people, having a partner or an active sex life seems like a normal part of life, while for me it has always felt completely out of reach.

Just to be clear, I'm not sitting at home waiting for something to magically happen. I've tried joining social activities, I do my best to stay positive, and I try to meet new people, but for some reason I never manage to make any real progress.

Right now I'm working in the United States (I'm from Argentina) and, in theory, I should be enjoying the experience. Instead, I feel exactly the same. I'd like to meet someone, but between my fear, my constant overthinking, and the fact that flirting in English is much harder for me than in Spanish, I end up doing nothing.

I've even considered hiring an escort, mostly because I want to stop feeling like I'm completely inexperienced. But escorts here are extremely expensive (over $500 an hour), and I'm afraid I'd be so nervous that I wouldn't even be able to get an erection, which would mean wasting the money and feeling even worse afterward. So I can't bring myself to do it.

It feels like a vicious cycle. The more time passes, the more pressure I put on myself, and the more pressure I feel, the less likely it is that anything will work out.

I'm not looking for people to tell me, "It'll happen when you least expect it," because after 33 years, it's honestly very hard for me to believe that. I also don't think that having a girlfriend or having sex would magically solve all my problems. What I do know is that this frustration is draining my energy and is starting to affect my everyday life.

Has anyone here gone through something similar? How did you get out of this obsessive mindset? What actually helped? I'm more interested in hearing from people who have experienced something like this than in getting generic advice.

I wish I hadn't made the mistake of going home every weekend in college first because of a terrible roommate my first year and later because I was too discouraged since I never clicked with anyone from the dorms or first club I tried. I went to a small, rural liberal arts college where staying on weekends felt like a lost cause since the same cliques that stuck together during the week and never branched out. Since I felt like no one on campus liked me and people would gossip about me if I messed p. When I did invite acquaintances to grab meals I was always rejected. I was also afraid of trying more clubs without the guarantee of friendship since due to lifelong learning disabilities, school has never come easy to me so I needed to focus on my GPA. I have NVLD (only diagnosed last year) and always struggled socially. I'm also naturally shy and unless people take the initiative I assume they dislike me. At 27, I deeply regret this 6 years after graduation. Despite having a Master's degree and having lived and worked abroad I feel like a failure for never making friends in college, having lots of acquaintances but few close friends, and being chronically single. I am trying to make up for lost time and have been on dates but never had an LTR. As much as I want more meaningful friendships, I want to get married and have kids.

About anything: relationships, kids, finances, funny things.

Tomorrow I’ll be 35 and I have a sudden, strange feeling my parents are about to get very old, very quickly.

I'm seeking some perspective as a girl in her mid 20s but l met a guy that makes me feel so safe, like incredibly safe.
My body can just rest with him, and trust me when I say I'm not one to relax ever ever. I'm a very independent person too and I've been alone in managing my adult life quite well, but it's almost like I am allowed to be weak and not on top of things in his arms.

I know the connection is special and my body doesn't feel so safe to that extent even with my closest friends that l've known for years. It happened right away when I met him so much so that it baffles me. I keep hearing people saying that usually they know that’s their ‘the one’ by the safety thing, so that’s interesting.

When I used to describe meeting someone of great potential to my friends before, I always said the feelings were so jumpy. Ups and downs at the extremity. I feel quite in the neutral range with him, in a calm way, and it's never happened to me before.

I won't bore you too much with the logistical details, but I saw that our connection wouldn't be able to work so I cut it short before both of us get too hurt later. I hope that someone might see themselves in me, because I can't help but thinking that maybe I'm still young and haven't met enough people in this world that I still feel so intrigued by what we had. Or actually, maybe I really let go of something people spend their lives searching for? How do you really know?

Is it normal to feel really really sad and miss your ex every month exactly 10-11 days before your period? I am 22 years old, and I dated him for 2 years. It has been 6 months since the breakup. I’ll be doing so each month, even happy sometimes, exercising, living etc. But every luteal phase I miss him so much I just miss being comforted, hugged and having someone to co-regulate with. I know my ex wasn’t able to meet my emotional needs or comfort me when I cried towards the end. So why is my body still associating comfort with him? And why am I an absolute wreck each month, I crave warmth, sweets and my ex and can’t stop crying or feeling grief in my throat and chest

I get revenge when i’m hurt, i don’t communicate right away, im scared to hear people out when they hurt me. I need advice, i’ve lost all my friends.

Umm the title is very straightforward lol.

I used to be so full of jokes and things to say, and I could talk to just about anybody. Now, even with my close friends, I have nothing to say. I still have my likes and dislikes, but it seems like I don’t care enough. This obviously led to me drifting away from friends and not being able to form new bonds. I really don’t know what I should do. I hate being boring especially when I know that it wasn’t always like this.

​

Hi. I just started learning HTML, CSS, and the basics of JavaScript. Unfortunately, I started a bit late, and given my current situation, I need to find a source of income as soon as possible.

Right now, I'm deciding between two options. The first is to apply for a job that isn't related to tech so I can earn money while studying web development at my own pace. I could spend one or two years learning without the pressure of strict deadlines.

The second option is to apply to a company that offers a bootcamp. While this seems like a great opportunity because I would gain real-world experience, I know it would also be very stressful since I'd have to learn everything within just a few months. It would be a brutal learning experience.

Knowing myself, I don't think the second option is the best fit for me. However, my family wants me to give it a try. I previously found a global company that offered a bootcamp, but I wasn't able to attend the interview because of financial reasons. Recently, I found another company that also offers a bootcamp, but it requires employees to sign a bond after employment. I've been thinking about whether it's worth taking the risk, especially since I'm still new to web development and only have a basic understanding of HTML, CSS, and JavaScript.

If you were in my situation, what would you do? Would you take the bootcamp with the employment bond, or would you get a non-tech job first and spend a year or two building your programming skills before trying to enter the tech industry?

I (30f) have been married for 7yrs and am debating having children.
I currently have 2 step children (13 & 15).
What are the pros and cons? My husband (33m) is good either way and doesn’t have strong opinions. He is just happy to be with me.
So older generation I need help!

Update: I just need to know if you have kids did you ever regret it? I over think everything and I just wanna make the right decision!

I don't know what I'm really asking for here. Maybe just a vent. Maybe just seeking other peoples' stories and wisdom. I still like my husband, I think. I just don't feel it right now.

We were together for 8 years prior to having kids and it was amazing. Magnetic. We loved spending all of our time together and would call/text whenever we couldn't be together.

That lasted years - up until he started to feel restless in life. Began to throw himself into his hobbies and work and never really made an effort to spend time with me. Was so focused on starting his own business. Pushed for having a kid even though I didn't think we were ready financially. Talked me into it.

Luckily I really loved being a mom. I wanted to spend time with all 3 of us together, but he still insisted that all of his free time went towards making money and giving us a better life. Said he wanted to work long hours while our kids were young and wouldn't remember. I understood, but still felt hurt. Told him a few times, "what's the point if -I- don't even like you by the time that happens?"

Got pregnant again when our son was 9mo. Twins. Luckily we're in a better spot financially. He insists on a new car and a big house. I'm trying to convince him to go with less expensive options so we have wiggle room in our budget. My objections are ignored. I'm exhausted; 7 months pregnant, working full time, spending all my free time taking care of a toddler otherwise my husband just sticks him in front a screen. Begged him to help me pack (because now we don't have money in the budget to pay for someone to help us pack). Can't do it, he's gotta work to pay for all the new expenses. So stupid.

I get angry whenever I see him dicking around on his phone. I know he deserves downtime too. But I thought he was pouring ALL of his time into work.

Twins are here. We're two months in and all the cracks in our relationship are amplified times ten. Oh and guess what??? Unexpected loss in revenue so now we're right back to living on the edge of poverty even though we're making 3 times as much because we didn't make smart financial moves.

Normally I'd be fighting to figure it out with him but I just don't have it in me. I just feel resentful and apathetic. I know it's early and everyone says to wait a year after having kids. I know it's my fault for letting him coerce me into our current living situation. This feels different than the PPD I had with our first kid. This just feels like I don't like him anymore.

TL;DR: Husband never made an effort to spend time together or listen to my advice. Came back to bite us. I don't really care about our relationship anymore but i don't think I'm ready for a divorce. I dont know where to go from here.

I feel like I am at a major crossroads. I’m asking for kindness. I am really struggling.
My partner of 5 years cheated for the second time last week. We are both 30. The first time was about a year into our relationship. We didn’t live together back then. After the first time we broke up for maybe a week then got back together. He told me that he was always curious about being with trans women. For some reason the women being trans made me feel less angry. I was going to leave before he shared that detail. To me, I can kind of understand some queer suppression causing all this pain. I gave him another chance. After this past week he told me that he downloads grindr at least twice a week and has been online like that for the past 3 years.

He is an excellent loving partner. I know cheating is far from loving. But the day to day was everything I could want. Genuinely I can’t name another thing wrong besides this. I read so many stories where cheaters are also x,y,z. He isn’t. My family loves him. His family loves me. This past couple weeks we actually just applied for a home loan and have been looking at houses together. We were planning to elope soon and have a reception/house warming party. Last week he told me that he went to be with someone from grindr and they had sex. I am devastated. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I dont want to lose my partner but I don’t think I can feel the same way after this. He came to me both times this happened to tell me. He claims it’s some kind of addiction. After the first time he said he would get help. He never did and I mistakenly looked past that. How am I to believe in him this time?

I didn’t have to catch him or monitor. If I could forgive him and be happy with him again I absolutely would. I’ve been sleeping on the couch all week because I can’t bear waking up next to him in these circumstances. That used to be my favorite part of every day. I experienced some financial trauma in my teens to early adulthood. I was so excited to get a house together. For our dog to have a backyard. Now, when I scroll houses, I just see this vision of me pregnant with his child sobbing on our couch because it happened again. Of course he is promising that this wont happen. He says he wants a life with me. He says he ruined everything. Instead of a home with financial security, I might need to rent a place with my huge dog and cat by myself. My family moved away a long time ago. I have a good job but I am in a high cost area and I won’t be able to save money. My dreams feel ripped away. Unless I can get through this part and get back to happiness with him like before. I was able to do it last time. This time just feels so much worse. Part of me wants to look past this and accept that this is the person he is, and if I want to be with him I need to understand that it is likely to happen again. That seems like a sad choice. But then I would get everything else. I’ve always wanted a life a partner and to make a family with someone. It fucking sucks. This seems like a small price to pay for the comfortable life I envision for me and my future children. I know I can eventually be okay. I know how I sound. Please advise

I would love to know examples of "how" because that has been my most challenging aspect.

​Hi guys,

​I would appreciate it if I could get an honest answer and mature guidance on a sensitive matter.

​I am a male in my early 30s, and I have been in a committed relationship for four years. To get straight to the point, my question relates to the distinct intimate scent or chemical aroma that occurs immediately after intercourse. Over the course of a long-term relationship, you get to know your partner's normal baseline scent very well.

​Recently, I was away from home for two weeks due to an injury that required a hospital stay. Since returning, every time we have had intercourse, I have noticed a distinct and persistent change in that post-coital scent compared to what I have known for the last four years.

​Given the timing of my absence, I am struggling with thoughts that she may have been intimate with someone else while I was away. I want to handle this maturely and objectively without jumping to conclusions.

​Could those with relevant experience or medical insight kindly educate me on this situation? Is a sudden change in this specific scent always an indicator of outside intimacy, or are there common medical, hormonal, or physiological reasons why a partner's post-sex chemistry would change so suddenly after a few weeks apart?

​Thank you in advance for your time and mature feedback.

And if so, what does it look like?

My husband and I are at a stage in life where he wants another child, and I don’t at the moment. I’m 27, he’s 37 almost 38. So for him, his time-clock is running out.

I have never wanted children… up until I became a step-mom & wife. I love my daughter and my husband, and while I see so much of him in my step kiddo, I’d love to have a mini version of us…. The only issue is that I don’t feel ready. Physically or mentally. He’s okay with whatever decision I make, but I just fear that I’ll regret not having one of my own someday.

So, do you regret not having children? Why or why not?

TYIA!

i 22(f), have been with my bf(25) since I was 19, we were together for more than 2.5 years and i really love him but they were quite alot of problems in our relationship

day before yesterday he and I got into a fight about how we both sees social conditions differently, for the context we always fight and had arguments over social issues (we both have different upbringing and main reasons which i assume behind our different viewpoints is that he is an upper caste (brahmin) whereas I am a dalit (lower caste valmiki). as per indian caste system which according to me is abhorrent.

prior to our relationship he used to think that caste based discrimination does not happen in urban areas and i live in a village near haryana so as I dalit woman i know caste discrimination exist everywhere. he used to say his friends who are sc/sts who live in cities they never faced such discrimination to which I said it's good for them but their perspective and personal opinion does to equal to mine. furthermore, he always says historically if upper caste people discriminated towards lower caste and exploited them who they are (lower caste people) are alive and more in population. i mean what????

now he usually fight with him over political leaning as well i see political leaders as stupid pigs who only thinks and works for their own and won't do anything for the general public whereas he is a right wing supporters ( to those who will say I support congress to any other party i don't). moving on our political views are opposite literal opposite of each other we fight over them as well he doesn't see labour problem and their exploitation as wrong on the other hand he stated they chose to work like this and i felt horrific to hear such things from his mouth.

moveover, i indentify myself as an atheist it's not like i never followed my religion I did and I saw so many shortcomings and its core against women that now i couldn't make myself to beleive in any religion every again, I see religion as a way to control society specifically women and their autonomy. and he calls himself a spiritual person he usually fight with me or argue with me over religion saying his religion helped him through tough time to which i respect and say it a job of religion to give humans hope.

additionally, i am a radical feminist my views does not come to me overnight i read books, i saw society, i saw people around me, I see what men are capable of and what women are capable of, my views does not limit my feminism to womans only, i know and I feel patriarchy's victims are both men and women but i know it too that men do more hate crime towards women than women do towards men. and in india the toll society puts on women, before marriage and after marriage. my bf thinks my views are way to strong and I need to chill. he says men are victim too, to which i agree but statistically crimes against women are more. and throughout history women where sidelined and exploitated.

we fought over these these issues for more than 2 years, these are my core values and i know maybe in future my views can change but i know for sure I won't turn into a right wing supporter or anti feminist. i broke up with him was i right to do it or not????

Hi. I am a man (48 years old), dentist, with a rather classic style (shirt, blazer, dress pants, tassel loafers). And for a long time, I would like to have both ears pierced with real diamonds (identical whose worn by women).

My wife encourages me, she finds it refined and sexy, and quite feminine, and she would like to choose me real feminine diamonds, set in yellow gold. But I am a bit stressed because I know that everyone (my patients and colleagues at the medical office) will be very surprised to see me with both ears pierced with shinny and feminine diamonds. How will I be perceived ? How can I tell my two daughters (14 and 16)? THANK YOU very much for your advice.