r/AskOldPeopleAdvice

i like advice from older people, so hit me with it!

I am 20 right now and I need an honest sanity check from parents: Am I a terrible son for planning to secretly leave home at 22 to escape an arranged marriage?

I really need an honest, unbiased perspective from parents and mature adults. In 18 months, when I graduate from university at age 22, I plan to quietly pack my life into a few bags, move into an apartment I am secretly saving up for, and leave a detailed letter behind on my bed. I am not doing this to be rebellious, to party, or to cut my family off. I am doing it because it feels like the only way to save my own life and future without destroying my mental health.

Parents' Perspective & Family Context • I am the youngest of 6 children (my eldest sibling is 42). My parents act out of deep tradition, a desire to secure my future, and genuine love. They constantly go out of their way for me, which makes the guilt so brutal—they aren't monsters, but their love is strictly conditional on total obedience regarding marriage. Processing the guilt of hurting people who love me is the absolute hardest part of this. My five older siblings all had traditional arranged marriages without any conflict. • My parents have a strong support system at home—multiple adult siblings live nearby or visit daily, alongside nieces and nephews whom I deeply love.

The Cultural Stakes We live in a very tight-knit, closed society. An arrangement was made four years ago with an uncle back home. The prospective bride’s family has been waiting for my graduation. Breaking this arrangement risks significant social stigma and reputational damage for her family in our community. How I Got Trapped at 18 • When my parents first brought it up, I said a clear, firm "no" repeatedly for 6 months to 5 different family members. • After a trip to our home country, my father asked me again late at night. Exhausted, overwhelmed, and in pure disbelief that my "no" was being ignored again, I just smiled. My father took that silent smile as agreement and confirmed the marriage with her family. • When I protested ("I never said yes"), I was told "it's too late, we already told them." After six months of relentless family lectures and voice notes, I eventually surrendered out of sheer emotional exhaustion. That final verbal yield at 18 was purely a survival response to keep the peace and stop the endless conflict—it was a complete emotional breakdown under pressure, not a genuine choice.

Current Situation & My Plan at 22 • Things at home are quieter now, though subtle control and expectations remain (e.g., tracking my university schedule via WhatsApp, expecting attendance at 3-day non-mandatory monthly religious events). We mostly live parallel lives. • I am working part-time alongside full-time university to save enough money to move out the moment I graduate.

• Why Living in Secrecy is Necessary: This is not for "fun" or freedom. Because our community is extremely tight-knit and pervasive, I will have to live very secretly afterward. I am genuinely scared of what my family or community might do if they find where I live.

• No Option to Move Back: In my traditional family and community, executing a secret move-out will permanently burn the bridge. There is no option to "try it out and come back." It is a complete point of no return. • Why Not Talk Face-to-Face? Past experience proved that speaking up in person leads to months-long pressure campaigns that completely dismantle my boundaries. Leaving quietly with a signed lease is the only way I know my choice will survive contact with the family. • My letter will keep the door open for phone calls, visits, and a loving relationship—provided there is no pressure to move back, track my location, or go through with the marriage.

My Questions for Parents & Experienced Adults

1. From a parent's perspective, am I being selfish or a bad son for choosing to leave secretly at 22 rather than trying to "talk it out" again, when talking face-to-face has never worked for me?
2. Given the tight-knit nature of our society, my fear of being tracked down, and the fact that my parents have extensive family support at home, is this extreme choice understandable as self-preservation?

EDIT : I do love my family a lot , and they do love me Aswell and they go out of their way for me sometimes , they are not abusive parents . That's why I feel so guilty doing this . 😔

I turn 37 in a couple of months and was born in the 90s, so I'd classify myself as middle aged.

It just feels weird because throughout the late 2000s and early 2010s we were still children and time flew by and now we're middle aged..

I'm 21 years old. I currently have a dilemma I still haven't made up my mind on after months ruminating it: either I stay at my parents's home and finish my computer support degree, or I move out and start a new degree in university.

I *loathe* my current computer support degree. It's unorganised, I don't learn much because of it (they keep switching teachers because they're all leaving, they're not even teachers) and when I do, I realise I really don't like computers as much as I thought. So I should probably try something else, right?

However, my family had been very clear that if I try another degree, they'll stop supporting me. They also keep saying that I wouldn't survive movinf out, I'm too disabled and weak, the world is cruel, I won't be able to manage my finances, etc. Which, I know they're right, I'm so young to know anything about the world. So I should stay and at least finish the degree, right?

But staying in this degree and with my family has made me so miserable that I've made suicide attempts. I'm seen by social workers, I'm in regular-frequency therapy for a decade now, I see doctors and specialists a lot for it… But it never gets better. So I keep thinking "it could get so much worse like my family warns me, but it could maybe get a little better", which I then regret and tell myself it could also go so much worse and my family would be right.

Please help me… I know it's not true that life is over yet, but I feel so stressed out over it. I feel like I'm losing no matter what I do. I hate that I can't just focus on my degree and think rationally about making money off of it. I hate that I can't just grind and work hard and not think of my present feeling, because I need to work hard now to relax later on in my 30s or something.

I just hate my life so much and I fear regrets could make it so *so* much worse.

I have a lot of them and I’m not even 30 yet. They are bubbling around in my awareness but I can’t bring myself to face them yet. I don’t know if I could survive them to be honest.

How did you survive serious regrets? Especially at an early age? Is there anything in particular that helped you the most with this? Did you experience a form of post traumatic growth from surviving them?

I feel like I spend too much of my time thinking about how my face looks, whether my skin looks bad or my pores are noticeable and whether I've gained or lost weight. I go to the gym and try to take care of myself, but sometimes I wonder whether I'm actually doing these things because I enjoy them and want to be active or because I'm scared of not looking good enough.
I also feel like being so self-conscious which makes it harder to fully let people in, be vulnerable and form genuine connections. Did this get better with age or was there something you consciously had to work on? What advice would you give your younger self please?

Hi everyone! I'm hoping for some advice on this serious and hard situation.

My fiancé and I got engaged a few months ago, and we’re planning to get married next summer. We’re both in our early 20s and have been together for about four years.
On paper, I truly couldn’t ask for a better person to marry. He’s an amazing guy, has been my rock through some really difficult times, and makes me incredibly happy. We share the same beliefs and have very similar ideas about what we want our future to look like. My family and friends absolutely love him, and I genuinely believe he would be an amazing husband and father.

But I’ve been struggling with something that I can’t seem to get past. I’ve lived independently about three hours away from my family for the past three years while going through nursing school. I’ve always hated being away from them. I’m extremely close with my parents and especially close with my younger siblings, who are quite a bit younger than me. Being present for their lives is really important to me, and I’ve realized by being away that I really want to be involved with them, not just holidays and occasional visits.

This summer, my family moved to another state, which has made everything feel even more complicated. If I weren’t getting married, I would probably move home after graduation and live with my family.

Instead, getting married next summer would mean moving away from them again and essentially beginning a completely separate life. And that thought genuinely breaks my heart.

My fiancé and I have talked about eventually moving closer to my family after we get married, and he is open to the idea. But there’s no guarantee that it will happen, and I’m struggling with the fact that I would be making this huge, permanent decision based partly on the hope that we can eventually live near them.

The confusing part is that I don’t necessarily want to leave my fiancé. I’m scared that I’m putting myself in a position where I have to choose between an incredible relationship and being close to the family I love so much. Ending the engagement feels like giving up an amazing future with someone I love, but getting married feels like giving up the possibility of being really present for my family during this stage of my life.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Any advice?

I turned 18F today. Some fucking how. I do not like that number, but what can you do I guess.

So, what advice would you give to the 18 y/os of today? What do you think people should value in life? What mistakes would you like to warn against? Or generally any advice you think would be helpful?

Okay, so I’ve been a contributor and commenter on this sub for a little while now. I’m in my 40s, so elder millennial and just passed the threshold to be able to answer questions for folks in this sub (yes, I checked the sub’s description to make sure.) I’m also childfree by choice, so this is 3rd party looking in view. This is also a long discussion point.

I’m seeing a lot more 20-somethings who seem really lost on here. Or rather, they seem to think their life is over by age 25 after not achieving what can take an entire lifetime [if ever] (eg career with six-figures, marriage, kids, house, etc.) Like it seems far more of them really feel they are behind the 8-ball for some reason.

Is this just me being older and having experience to know this isn’t true? Was my generation like this when we were in our 20s? Is it because of the rise of social media that they have so much more comparison (and more specifically comparison to influencers who share the same age as them who have lucked out on easy living)? We had heavy celebrity culture in my 20s and it was understood those people were celebs so it made sense, and wasn’t the same for the regular non-celeb to achieve the same monetary successes.

I thought it was because Gen Z are inheriting an admittedly fucked up world with climate change, overseas wars, civil unrest, poor jobs market, high inflation, etc so I understood where the existential dread comes from. But it seems to be that those are the asides that exist, and the advice they ask comes with personal dread about where they are in life. Every misstep and every mishap seems to mark the end for them personally. Their youth and development were definitively messed up with lockdowns, so is this a byproduct of their social development being interrupted and changed irrecoverably? Are they just saying “my life is over” sarcastically and it’s become slang?

Has this been happening and I just didn’t notice it in my 20s? Or does it seem to be happening more frequently with the current 20-something generation? What seems to be fueling it? Is it simply skewed because we’re on Reddit?

I’m happy to still help and give them advice. I just wonder where it’s all coming from.
———

ETA: Thanks to everyone who is contributing to this discussion! I wanted to clarify that I do think the younger generation (even my younger millennial counterparts) do have it harder. They are indeed facing a lot more threats to existence. Even though elder millennials went through three significant recessions (that has resulted in us to be much older before first time home ownership and less wealth building ability), it was still a relatively peaceful period of time in our 20s comparatively. I’m looking at all this from a sociological perspective and trying to see what might be the drive for the influx beyond everything is worse.

Something that came up in discussion below that I wanted to add to the original post. I’ll repost my comment to a discussion point below:

I think where I wonder is why it sits so much heavier and more life-shattering for them. The problems are worse, definitively. But is it because it’s worse they feel the need to achieve more sooner? Because their future is not guaranteed to exist at this rate, so you have to hit those milestones faster? Sort of like when lifespans were shorter in the Middle Ages so marriage, children, etc all happened at way younger ages. But instead it’s converse, average lifespans are longer but earth’s lifespan is shorter and creates the same “have to hurry and meet these life goals quicker” like we saw when lifespans were more limited. 🤔🤷🏽‍♀️

I dont have many words except life isn't going well at all. Parents divorced, struggling to get by financially and mentally, as insecurities at my age and worrying for my school. I was looking for advice and found this community. Reminded me of my grandma years ago who would give me advice about many things and made the best jokes. She lived overseas and died a few years ago. She was my last grandparent and life just seems to be getting worse from there. Crippling thoughts about my future and aging parents. I keep searching and asking everywhere for advice but it always doesnt help. Tips?

I’m 32M, single, no kids, no house, living with a roommate to save money.

II feel like I’m too old to be living this way and I want to change. I also feel that I’ve come to the point of no return though.

People my age seemed to have figured it all out while I just screwed it all up

Hello! I’m 28F, 8 months post-partum, a first time mom. I have been experiencing what I think is post-partum depression. Multiple things triggered it I think but I don’t want to go into every single detail. Some of my prior posts may give some insight to that. But prior to this season of my life, I have had episodes of depression as well. I even got the “puppy blues” when I got my puppy and was trying to train him and take care of him in the beginning stages. I didn’t even know that was a thing when it was happening. But I was a mess.

I was sitting here holding my baby and just had an epiphany, it feels anyway lol. Why do I not want to do anything anymore? Why do I not get excited about things as much as I once did? The true me wants to do things and WANTS to be excited for things. I want to have a pep in my step. I want to want to talk to people. This isn’t just post-partum either. I’ve been like this many times before. Mainly started after high school. It’s like I remember a time where I was so much fuller of life. More light in me. I want it back. Do I just need to get on medication for depression is my question. Is that what’s missing here? Am I just depressed? Can anyone relate to this.

Being post-partum, a new mom, I really want to just become the healthiest and best me possible for my son and myself. I want to find myself and find those missing parts of myself. I want to be less tired and more energetic. And I know that comes with being a new mom/motherhood but it’s more than just that. Ive been like this BEFORE this season of my life too. I’m so sick of feeling like this. I’m always wanting to cancel plans and just be alone and not talk. Even with partner. Sometime it’s like I’m good with not speaking, staying in all the time. And I know that’s not fun, or living life to the fullest etc.

I’m ready to book a doc appt tomorrow morning and seriously consider trying out medication.

Do you have family photos on desk of your private office?

My husband is an Executive at an engineering corporate. He has a private office of his own, a big office too. And he has 3 photos on his desk, a photo of me, a photo of him me and our toddler, and a photo of him his mom dad and his sister.

Our toddler ashes is at home, even our toddler dirty shoes and dirty clothes he still has it as is, and it been 7 years since our toddler left us.

The photos gives me the sad. Because one by one of his family all deceased, first was his older sister dead, then his father dead, then our toddler dead, then soon will be his paralyze all 4 limps mother dead too giving her health conditions.

Soon all the people in his photos are all deceased. Leave me and him left. Might as well Fate let me die too so it be a completion, lol.

If I die too, I can see this man completely break down. He has so much responsibilities and he always carry it all on his shoulders. I don't see how this man can have true peace unless he dead himself.

I’ve recently just got married and where I live it’s kind of the done thing that when you get married, you have children (I know a little traditional or maybe old-fashioned) but now feel like the questions are coming in - are you trying for a baby now? Do you think you’ll have kids? all that kind of thing. I know it’s not really anyone’s business and I don’t really feel pressured by anyone else but I am coming up to 33 and really don’t know where I sit on the whole thing and I’m like do people who have children know that they definitely wanted them or did they have them and they were like I can adapt this, is there a right time?
My husband is extremely family orientated, which is lovely to see. I do not have any siblings, but I am in no way a spoilt only child. I was the youngest child in my family too, so I’ve never really been around children. I’m an Auntie to his nieces and nephews and don’t get me wrong - I absolutely adore them and think they are so cute but much prefer children who are children not babies and are able to have a conversation with you.
Sometimes I think maybe I would want to adopt because I can’t imagine myself being pregnant or the years 1-4 but also if I was to have a child would really want the characteristics of my husband and think it would be really cute to see part of him in our child. But I also really enjoy my life the way it is and I feel like I want more experiences before committing, we also have a dog and honestly I find this stressful enough as much as I also love the dog. I have quite a stressful job too. I think the main thing is I am more worried about my age but also just wondering if I’d ever feel maternal or that I would want to commit to a child which might sound harsh but just not 100% sure it’s something I want although I think it’s something he wants I did make this clear to him when we got married too. But was just wondering any advice from people and what their experiences are…

I’m a 42/f with an 8 month old, and 46/m partner. I grew up on Long Island but moved out to California in 2004, when I was 20. I had a tumultuous upbringing, mostly bc of my father. My mother’s choice to stay with him also made me feel uneasy with her. Collectively, this is what inspired my move across the country. My entire family is still on LI (mom, dad, brother and sister). While there is pain from my folks, I know that both my parents love me very much and have also done great things for me; they’re complex humans and I can see that now more than ever. I’m very close with my brother, and miss him terribly. Him and his wife are trying to get pregnant. My sister and me have a good relationship and I’m a good auntie to her three kids.

I feel so torn as to whether to move closer to them. I don’t like Long Island so if I were to move I’d likely go to the Hudson valley\Catskills area. I live in Northern California and have a pretty nice life here. However my core friends all moved away a few years ago and my new friend circle is still feeling a bit superficial in some ways. I know it takes time to develop deep bonds, but I find I feel I’m missing something and am searching for it in my friendships. The thing I’m missing is family-feeling like I’m truly seen and valued for who I am..: and the feeling of being known. I want to have dinners with my brother, see my nieces sports games, help my mom out, etc. But the idea of moving across country feels so daunting. I also want my daughter to know her maternal roots.

My partner and I are going to NY for a visit soon and I’m thinking we should check out upstate to see how it vibes with us. Last time I visited LI I had a pretty bad experience which solidified that CA is my home. But now I’m waffling in the other direction. I’ve been experiencing this guilt, and back and forth feelings for 22 years (since I’ve lived in CA). I really wish my brother would just move here but that’s not happening. Another thing to add, my dad is developing Alzheimer’s and my mom is getting old too. Maybe the move is to go over there for a few years and rent our house so we have some options after we give it a try. I say all this like it’s easy! My partner has a good job that is relatively new. My career has a lot of flexibility, his less so.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice? Thanks for reading 💜!

[removed]

I am 11 weeks pregnant in Ontario, Canada. A condom cracked, it's an unwanted pregnancy. My husband doesn't want this child at all. We already have 2 children, both under 3 years old. He is very depressed by the situation and has clearly made it known that he wants me to end the pregnancy, but I can't do it... He consulted a doctor who made him take sick leave for mental health reasons and he cries a lot. I have absolutely no idea what to do.

My husband of 10 years and I will be divorcing soon. He has been my best friend for 14 years and I’m struggling with how to talk to him now that things are changing. If it were up to me I would just cut ties and never talk to him again but we have a 2 year old daughter. Obviously we will have to communicate regarding our child and all of the things that go along with it. I’m just having trouble now that it feels like we are different people. I’ve seen people who are divorced that still get along, work, and/or hang out with each other. I’ve just never been in this situation and it just feels awkward. It’s like he wants me to continue talking to him like nothing has happened. Although I was (emotionally) hurt in what led up to now I am past all the big feelings and just want to move on. So I guess I’m asking how do I talk to him like a normal person? How do I move on and still get along with this person who I have so much history with but who’s no longer my best friend and husband?

Sorry for the long title, I tried to make it short but it became confusing

I recently ventured into certain subs and situation, I believe I am happy being alone but I am also happy being with my family or being with someone special

And whenever I mentioned something like this people said I am not truly happy being alone or I should learn from them or things like that as no person who is truly happy alone will ever like to be with someone or living with someone etc.

EDIT: there seem to be a minor confusion, people I am talking about are the ones who are also alone, but are criticizing me because I said I enjoy more with family and etc. saying they are some how superior in happiness by being 'genuinely' alone