I feel like I am at a major crossroads. Advice? Stay with or leave someone that has a sex addiction
I feel like I am at a major crossroads. I’m asking for kindness. I am really struggling.
My partner of 5 years cheated for the second time last week. We are both 30. The first time was about a year into our relationship. We didn’t live together back then. After the first time we broke up for maybe a week then got back together. He told me that he was always curious about being with trans women. For some reason the women being trans made me feel less angry. I was going to leave before he shared that detail. To me, I can kind of understand some queer suppression causing all this pain. I gave him another chance. After this past week he told me that he downloads grindr at least twice a week and has been online like that for the past 3 years.
He is an excellent loving partner. I know cheating is far from loving. But the day to day was everything I could want. Genuinely I can’t name another thing wrong besides this. I read so many stories where cheaters are also x,y,z. He isn’t. My family loves him. His family loves me. This past couple weeks we actually just applied for a home loan and have been looking at houses together. We were planning to elope soon and have a reception/house warming party. Last week he told me that he went to be with someone from grindr and they had sex. I am devastated. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I dont want to lose my partner but I don’t think I can feel the same way after this. He came to me both times this happened to tell me. He claims it’s some kind of addiction. After the first time he said he would get help. He never did and I mistakenly looked past that. How am I to believe in him this time?
I didn’t have to catch him or monitor. If I could forgive him and be happy with him again I absolutely would. I’ve been sleeping on the couch all week because I can’t bear waking up next to him in these circumstances. That used to be my favorite part of every day. I experienced some financial trauma in my teens to early adulthood. I was so excited to get a house together. For our dog to have a backyard. Now, when I scroll houses, I just see this vision of me pregnant with his child sobbing on our couch because it happened again. Of course he is promising that this wont happen. He says he wants a life with me. He says he ruined everything. Instead of a home with financial security, I might need to rent a place with my huge dog and cat by myself. My family moved away a long time ago. I have a good job but I am in a high cost area and I won’t be able to save money. My dreams feel ripped away. Unless I can get through this part and get back to happiness with him like before. I was able to do it last time. This time just feels so much worse. Part of me wants to look past this and accept that this is the person he is, and if I want to be with him I need to understand that it is likely to happen again. That seems like a sad choice. But then I would get everything else. I’ve always wanted a life a partner and to make a family with someone. It fucking sucks. This seems like a small price to pay for the comfortable life I envision for me and my future children. I know I can eventually be okay. I know how I sound. Please advise