u/Vegetable-Soup1714

I'm 33F and feels like I'm just failing at life, like in a limbo and dunno what to do, where to go. I'm herently very driven life and had a life plan at 20, some of the milestones I did end up hitting but so behind on the others.

I started my career at 22, in STEM, worked at Big 4s until last year and had some hiccups/promo rejections but made it to senior manager. I also started a LTR at 20 and thought he was the one but due to core incompatibilities (smoking, financial hygiene) I broke up with him at 26. He married someone 5 months later and even has a baby now.

Just as I recovered I got thrown into online dating and covid. I went through so many harsh experiences but also had to watch my prime years get wasted due to lockdowns. I tried nonetheless but by 2023 I had so many painful experiences (love bombing, ghosting manipulation, sexism, being inappropriately touched) despite my heavy filtering with so many guys I took a huge break.

I finally found someone at 31, my second relationship, I loved him so much. He told me he wanted to marry and have kids, introduced me to his whole extended family, friends also coworkers. We had great chemistry and compatibility on paper but he could barely meet me more than once a week, at max twice a week. He'd constantly double/tripple book me or cancelling on me last sec, having me wait for hours at times. Rarely 15-20min phone calls. I drove to him mostly, planned most of the dates, paid for a chunk of the dates, bought his family gifts and he still called me a gold digger for expecting to dine twice a week. He said he was too busy with his family/hobbies/events and struggled to prioritize me. He also said expecting him to drop everything when I was in trouble was selfish of me, I had a death in the family.

We dated for 1 years and had an on/off dynamic for another 7-8 months.

Now I exited from Big 4 for a chill job to make room for this relationship, potentially get married and have kids. Now I have way too much time I feel so unproductive, I have no idea what to do. I have tried dating again ofc but I have no hopes from it, I'm 7 years now in and been on a billion dates. I feel that I'm unloveable at this point and that no matter what I do, I wont find my person. I can go back to my ex and completely be a doormat with no self respect but atleast I could have a baby that way.

Alternatively, should I move countries - I'm in Toronto, should I go back to consulting and chase the partner track? I'm pretty secure professionally and financially, don't see the urge to pursue it but how else can I even grow?

I feel so stagnant. I dunno what the right path, I'm so demotivated, I feel like just rotting in my bed. Lack of growth is suffocating me.

I lost my almost 12 year old kitty to diaphragmetic hernia on Sat. He had a sudden collapse from a heart murmur caused by the hernia.

I got him stable then moved him to another hospital where we either had perform a surgery or put him down. It took me hours to weigh out both options. He first had this surgery when he was 1. Then a PU surgery at 3. Ever since he has been good, I get annual thorough checks done from him.

I got him tested only a month or so ago. I have been absolutely gutted by this loss. They told me it's a very high risk surgery and intensive recovery. They couldn't comment on quality of life or his life span. They didn't know if he'd survive the surgery or the hernia would come back as the muscles would be more loose now.

It was the harshest decision I made in my life. Now I cant over the guilt. I keep like I failed him. He was my baby and we had a deal that he'd atleast make it to 15.

I still contemplate if I made the right call, I feel so devestated. I even went back to my original vet to discuss if I had missed anything, if I couldve done more testing to prevent this. She assured me I couldn't have done any more as he was okay then.

Idk what to do, I keep missing him and want him back. The guilt is just killing me.

I feel regoing through my decision over and over to see if I made the right one. Worst is that if I let the fee (14-20k) cloud my judgement at all in the decision making.

He was really like my baby, a ragdoll mix when I got him from a questionable place. He wasn't cared for, had mites, had watery eyes and smelled bad. We fixed all that.

At 1 he had a diaphramagtic hernia that was fixed and a PU surgery from kidney stones when he was 3. He had been good since, I get annual checks and blood work recently frequently. My recent one was a month or so ago. He was mostly fine, minor variation some values. We were gonna retest it in 3 months. We even coorelated it with analytics from little robot.

On sat he was cuddling with me, got up and had a surden attack. Rushed him to a clinic, I was hysteric, he had a heart murmur and they stablized him. Xray showed his hernia was back. Most hospitals wont take as they didnt have a spot or a ventilator. Rushed him to another clinic for the surgery.

They told us it is a high risk case due to his age, breed, other underlying conditions. They couldn't quantify the odds of survival and post op quality of life. They said could live for months or years, had to know. Surgery was 14-20k.

I asked them even if throw finances out of the window, I need to know if having the surgery is the right decision. They couldnt tell me. I consulted 2 other vets (family and friend) and they also highlighted the risks but couldnt comment on quality of life.

I took the absolute harshest decision of my life but now I cant live with the guilt. I feel like I've utterly failed as a cat mom, he was absolutely the best. I had a deal with him that he absolutely has to live till 15. I wonder if the surgery could've bought him more years. But I also didn't want him to suffer a lot.

I hope the cost of surgery didn't create a bias for my decision making.

I went back to my original vet to see if there is something more I couldve proactively done like an annual xray too on top but she assured me nothing seemed an anamoly to trigger it. She was shocked herself.

Idk how to live with this. I feel gutted.

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Put him down 2 hours ago, my baby was going to turn 12 in Oct. He was a ragdoll mix. He had a diaphramic hernia when he was 1, he somehow made it against all odds. When was 2 or 3 he had kidney stones so had a PU surgery.

He had been good all these years, today we were cuddling and he got up, threw up and started seizing. Rushed him and they stabilized him. Surgery was the only option out. I rushed him to a hospital where it could happen. They went through the dianogsis and said he had a heart murmur but could be from hernia. Still has some heart condition, didn't have cardialogist to confirm. I had got a full blood/urine/stool test done 2 months ago.

Surgery would've been 14 to 20k. However they couldn't assure me about his quality of life like even at all. They were worried due to his heart issue he may not survive the anesthesia or the surgery. Hernia may reappear, also the other underlying issues may worsen.

I asked my Veterinarian relative and he had polarized views but inclined towards putting him to rest. Another family friend inclined towards it as well.

Although I feel like an absolute monster, what if I had immediately gotten him tested when I was concerned about his passive puking. What if I had gone through the surgery and had he lived another 5 or 8 years. What could have done to ensure hernia didnt reappear.

I feel horrible like I failed him. He was my baby, I was suppose to protect him.

Had to put my cat down and feel like an absolute monster.

Put him down 2 hours ago, my baby was going to turn 12 in Oct. He was a ragdoll mix. He had a diaphramic hernia when he was 1, he somehow made it against all odds. When was 2 or 3 he had kidney stones so had a PU surgery.

He had been good all these years, today we were cuddling and he got up, threw up and started seizing. Rushed him and they stabilized him. Surgery was the only option out. I rushed him to a hospital where it could happen. They went through the dianogsis and said he had a heart murmur but could be from hernia. Still has some heart condition, didn't have cardialogist to confirm. I had got a full blood/urine/stool test done 2 months ago.

Surgery would've been 14 to 20k. However they couldn't assure me about his quality of life like even at all. They were worried due to his heart issue he may not survive the anesthesia or the surgery. Hernia may reappear, also the other underlying issues may worsen.

I asked my Veterinarian relative and he had polarized views but inclined towards putting him to rest. Another family friend inclined towards it as well.

Although I feel like an absolute monster, what if I had immediately gotten him tested when I was concerned about his passive puking. What if I had gone through the surgery and had he lived another 5 or 8 years. What could have done to ensure hernia didnt reappear.

I feel horrible like I failed him. He was my baby, I was suppose to protect him.

I'm planning my first trip (F 33) for 14 days and have created an exhaustive list what I want to see maximum. I can cut out cities but also add more time, I'm super flexible to changes. I just want it to be memorable, safe and as train efficient as possible.

What I had in mind:

Fly in to 1) Amsterdram

2. Antwerp

3. Brussels

4. Normandy

5. Paris

6. Annecy

7. Interlaken / bern (if possible)

8. Fly out of Zurich

I'm also happy to swap out these cities with any other ones that may workout better. Open to anything.