r/family

So I (19F) have been living with my stepdad (65M) for my entire life basically. Almost two years ago my mom left in a really hurtful way, leaving my brother and I to take care of my stepdad since he’s disabled. I’ll admit I was resentful towards my mom for leaving the way she did but to be fair I haven’t had the worst of the caretaking duties since we’d have nurses come in and we have an IHSS worker. But regardless for the last two years I’ve had to take care of my stepdad, cooking meals for him (while simultaneously learning how to cook) and having to inform the EMTs after his falls. I’ve dealt with mental health issues for 7 years now and even when I could barely take care of myself I had to be there for my stepdad. About two weeks ago we had an argument cuz I wasn’t “respecting” him, I said that I wasn’t over my mom leaving and burdening me with the responsibility of taking care of him. He said I don’t take care of him and so on and so forth. I stormed out of the house to cool off and when I was ready to go back inside the door was locked. I had literally nothing but the clothes on my back, I banged on the door begging to be let in, after no response I went knocking on the neighbors door hoping they would let me use their phone. I called my dad and he picked me up when I got there we decided it’d be best for me to stay at his place. And I have for the past two weeks. I could be making a bigger deal out of this than it actually is but he has yet to apologize or reach out directly (I haven’t blocked his number) and I’m just so confused about it all… AITA for not wanting to reconcile or for moving out in the first place?

I’m a 21 year old female and my stepdad has known me since I was 6. I’m currently in my junior year of college, so I live with my parents during my summer breaks. I never really talk to my stepdad much, I haven’t gotten along with him in years and he spends all day either at work or in the basement. Recently, after I came home after being out with friends, he told me “The only person more attractive than you is your mother.” I went quiet after that because it instantly made me uncomfortable. I talked to my aunt and some of my friends about it, and they all agreed that it was weird for him to say that. However, I tried talking to my mom about it and she completely blew off what I said, which is what’s making me wonder if I’m overreacting about this. Any thoughts?

Hi guys idk if this is the right place to talk about this, I'm f20

Recently had an argument with my family which has resulted in a lot of mental damage on my end

Earlier this week, for some otp which has was to come to my phone didn't come, it was for the benefit of my elder sister and she was in her office

She called me but due to connectivity issues on her end I could not make out what she was saying and instead asked her to text me. I forwarded her all the otp or whatever she required

Then she required another otp which was taking a lot of time to come. Anyways I kept telling her to text me instead and that I could not hear her and I'll send it to her asap

I was also angry because obviously she kept on yelling at me.

Background of my family I have a very good relationship with everyone and am the most loved person. I know that I genuinely brighten my familys mood even when they fight aming themselves which they do a lot.

So back to the story

My dad comes to my room yells at me for not helping out my sister, I told him 3-4 times that I've not received the message and hence can not send the otp to my sister and a few minutes ago I was just complaining to my mom about how my sister is troubling me with the work. Another thing to consider is I was on heavy painkiller at the time which this incident was taking place due to an on and off injury in my shoulder, so I was agitated because I could not rest.

Back to my dad yelling

I told him multiple times yet he didn't believe me, i showed him the previous chats where id sent the otp and told him that another one had not come yet. He took away my phone and I also got angry kept on telling him to trust me

He didn't

Anyways 2 minutes later I come to him to collect my phone and we get into a verbal argument

I told him, that here's the proof I don't have the otp and shi

And after that I finally cracked, I never yell or am harsh but I yelled and started crying called him batameez for treating me this badly

He held my neck from the back and my arms

In his eyes I saw so much anger

I have never seen it

It was like he was choking me but I don't know if it's categorises itself as one

Anyways since then I've not been talking to him or my sister, she left for her city and does not live with us

My mother says I'm being unreasonable and that it's my fault for getting choked or whatever.

My dad said sorry and keeps laughing

Whenever he's close to me i move away and I do not look at him at all

I avoid him at all costs and am somewhat talking to my mother

I'm the kind of person who always hangs out with them all the time

And i hug them both like 50 times a day

So them being like this has really caused a lot of hurt

I don't know how to move forward

I am heavily dependent on them for everything

And i have a lot of health issues

Plus I'm still studying in college

I love my parents so much but I'm so hurt

They treated me with so much love but this was unacceptable

I kept telling them to trust me but they didn't

I genuinely can not move on

I don't feel like talking to anyone

I spent the last 7-8 days crying

How do I move past this?

This happened last night. I got body-shamed, again, for being fat — I'm like 65 kgs. Every time my mom, my brother, my cousins see me, they always say mean things, like I'm the fattest person, like it's a crime to be fat.

Last night my cousin brother called me and my brother to just chill. I don't usually go out with them, I'm not really close to any of my relatives or cousins, but I don't know what happened to me, I thought it's okay, let's hang out a little, I was happy, so why not.

But they just ruined my mood. They said things like, "Should we admit her to the hospital for pregnant women?" — basically saying I look like a pregnant woman, saying I'm ugly. They always say something about my appearance. I never say anything to anyone, I always talk nicely, and I know how much it hurts when someone talks about your insecurities.

The most hurtful part was my own brother was laughing along with them. He's an asshole, I already knew that, but now I don't know if he even considers me anything. My Mami was sitting right there and said nothing.

When I called them out, or even when I didn't say anything, it was "dekh bura maan jati hai itni si baat pe, isliye koi tera dost nahi hai."

It hurts me so much. I feel ugly every single day, and I don't want anyone to remind me of this again and again. Do looks really matter this much? I just don't know. Am I really overreacting, guys? I just wanted to vent out. Thanks for reading.

Part of me can’t believe that it’s true. I’m internally trembling as I write this.
But I think I’m seeing more now that this has always been the case for me when it comes to my parents and siblings.
I am not treated as one of them.
I don’t believe I am loved, even though the word has been thrown at me on occasion, the actions speak differently. I believe my parents tolerated me out of knowing that a parent should love their child, but actually loving me was a different story. The pattern of leaving me out of things, forgetting to tell me about something that included other family, making me feel like I’m unbearable, the constant fights, the disloyalty from my sisters who readily sided with friends who manipulated me and them to hurt me, the invalidation… I was told I have mental issues, and I’ve got problems… Now I believe my mental issues and the lashing out was my body reacting to the toxicity I was surrounded by but couldn’t fully understand. It is so exhausting when people ask me about one of my sisters and I have to pretend like I know, or even truly care what they’re doing now. Everyone loves my mother, people love my sister’s, would they love them if they knew how they treated one of their own?
I currently can’t leave my parents just yet, but one day I hope to do so fully. Sad to say I am actually beginning to hate them… I just wish I had a real family.

Son:13 Hello I have a 13 year old son And what would the appropriate bed time be for him?

This whole entire school year I received phone call home at least 3 times a week or some sort of message from his teachers complaining about his behavior in school of him fooling around and being disrespectful And he also got suspended for 2 weeks for bullying some other kid and He still won’t own up to it? He thinks it’s funny We tried to explain to him how it’s not okay (Story: Him n his freinds shot another kid with gel blaster toy guns)

He caused his older sister to develop heart problems from over stress And still won’t own up to it again I don’t understand how to teach him about how he is wrong if he just only believes he’s right

We love him and want the best for him We got him a ps5 and the deal was He study’s for 30 mins on a language (to improve his language skills ) everyday and he gets to play everyday Yet he doesn’t do that at all and then complains and curses at his sister and says it’s her fault that he can’t play and stresses her out Becuase she won’t let him Play unless he does the necessary 30 mins She helps me and lets me know what’s going on when I’m at work so he stresses her out a lot .

Now it is summer break and he keeps complaining about his bed time which is at 1:30 Yet I have seen him stay up past that couple times I gave him a 1:30 bed time as I think it’s only fair Becuase of his behavior tru out the year Also he is a growing boy I want him to grow healthy He needs his sleep I don’t want him to waste the summer waking up at 1pm it’s going to turn into a bad habit

He keeps complaining and wants to stay up till 3-5 in the morning and says his Freind Are staying up till 5 am playing ps5

(Minimized re cap)

Sometimes I think there are people who need power over someone else just to feel significant. They call it care, guidance, or life experience. But beneath those words often lies something entirely different: not the desire to understand, but the need to control. It isn’t enough for them that you live. They need you to live according to the life they have already planned for you.
In families like this, love slowly stops being unconditional and becomes a contract. You are accepted only as long as you remain convenient. As long as you agree. As long as you stay quiet. As long as your choices never challenge their authority. The moment you begin thinking for yourself, your independence is seen as disrespect, your opinions become defiance, and your desire for freedom is labeled as ingratitude.
With time, I realized that shouting isn’t the hardest part. Shouting eventually ends. What is far more exhausting is living with people who make you feel as though you must earn the right to exist as your own person every single day. When even silence doesn’t protect you from criticism, and obedience never brings peace, you begin to wonder whether the problem was ever you at all.
Perhaps the real issue isn’t that some children are “too difficult.” Perhaps it’s that some people mistake control for love. They become so attached to shaping another person’s life that they fail to notice they are slowly erasing the person they claim to care about.
To me, genuine care leaves room for choice. Control leaves only the illusion of it.
Where do you think the line is? At what point does caring for someone stop being love and start becoming control?

I have an older brother who never stepped up as a leader. He wants to sit lazy and take advantage of me and my money. Keeps pressuring my mom for the money and she listens to him and doesn't gives him lesson of right and wrong. He has been taking my advantage since childhood and making sure he provides nothing for the house and does the else work and throwing everything on my shoulder.

He is toxic and plays the victim when he needs money. I am a guy and I am just stuck between this mom and son story and my mom pressuring me all the time to help and support his lazy ass and stubborn mind. What do you advise me?

I feel super bad.

Backstory: my and my brother have always had a weird relationship. I would say we are on the closer side, we always play video games together and randomly spend a lot of time together being nice. Then we get into arguments and bicker and it’s an endless cycle of this relationship. I am the older sibling so I have the tendency to bother him and boss him around which led to resentment on his side. I think we are currently going through a rough patch where he doesn’t like hanging out with me and prefers being alone with his iPad (he’s transitioning into a teenager so moody)!

Now:
We went to the Whole Foods sale last week and he bought 2 tubs of ice cream. He said “no one eat my ice cream promise” and my entire family promised and so did I. He left for a trip for a week and during then I was very depressed/craving ice cream so I ate some of his. Now that he came back he saw it and asked who ate it and at first I was very scared.

I thought I would eat the tub then go back to WF and get another one for him. But I didn’t have the time. So I also lied and said it wasn’t me and my whole family was saying no one ate it. He was really mad and said I know it’s you (to me).

I lied infront of my parents because I am really scared of how my parents will react because in these cases they are really harsh, and also this past week they have been disappointed in me for a lot of things and I didn’t want them to be again.

Later I admit to him that I ate the ice cream and he was so pissed off and started crying and screaming. He said he won’t trust me and he’s angry I broke a promise. But he won’t tell my parents (hopefully?)

I 100% know I’m in the wrong. I feel like an ass of a sister. How can I make things right?

I love my momma and she'll always be the most important mom ever! Who brought me life, a warm home, played with me, laughed with me, comforted me, and protected me. But 3 years ago, I met my boyfriend's mom, and even when we have had our moments, I always saw her as another parental figure, sort of like another mom, too. She was there for me on most hard times, has given great advice, taught me the basics of driving, and let me and my boyfriend stay at her house, until we were able to get on our feet after graduating high school. I feel as if she has dedicated a lot to me as much as my mom has dedicated a lot to me as well. This is something I've told my mother in law and even then she said she always saw me as her daughter (in law). And that she has no intentions trying to take me from my mom. Just from that alone I feel like that should convince my mom enough to agree that they're both in this together for me. I want to tell my mom how I feel about her as my mother in law and that I want them to work together to help me pick my wedding dress for me and my boyfriend's marriage in future (somewhere around our mid or late 20's. Were 19 rn), but she's so competitive and thinks EVERYONE needs to respect her which puts a strain on my mother in law attempting to be friends with her. Plus, she wasn't the type to make friends or be friends with the parents of my old friends. Even though there are times where they would talk on the phone or even in person, my mom tends to stand her ground, thinks she's always right, and assumes she hears negative about her or me. So easily offended. I try not to fully blame her since throughout her childhood to adulthood, every friend or partner she's ever had would laugh at her behind her back, lie to her face, and even insult her. That's why she keeps her guard up even now. THAT'S why she thinks she's standing up for me when really it doesn't bother me or isn't a problem. And telling her that I see her and my mother in law as equals would make her feel insulted since she believes nobody can be as equally as good of a mom as she is when they literally both have their flaws. Point is, me and my mother in law would​ really want to see a friendship happen with my mom but even if my mom doesn't want a friendship, I want them to at least work together knowing how much they both mean to me and I want them to continue to both want the best for me, make me happy and a help me have wonderful wedding.

Some backstory:
I have two children—a 12-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter. They have different fathers. My husband (my son’s father) passed away when my son was only 6 weeks old. My daughter’s father came into our lives when my son was very young and has raised him as his own. Even though we’ve been separated for six years, he’s still a loving and active father to both kids.
There are two women who have been constants in my life through everything: my stepmom and my late husband’s mom.
My stepmom helped raise me. She and my dad were together for years, but she ended up cheating on him and leaving. Six months later, my dad passed away. Before he died, he asked me to keep her in my life, and I’ve honored that promise.
My late husband’s mom has also remained in my life. She calls me her daughter even though I’ve remarried, and she calls my daughter her granddaughter, despite there being no biological relation. She’s been incredibly supportive over the years, and I truly appreciate her.
That said, I’ve started noticing something that’s really bothering me.
Both my stepmom and my late husband’s mom seem to heavily favor my son. They take him on outings, keep him for weekends, buy him gifts, and generally shower him with attention. When my daughter was little, I understood. Taking a toddler everywhere is a lot harder than taking one older child.
But now she’s 9, and she’s noticing.
She has ADHD, and while medication has helped tremendously, she asks a lot of questions. They often interpret that as “talking back.” She’ll ask why she can’t do something, and they’ll say she’s being disrespectful. She’ll respond, “I’m just having a conversation,” because, from her perspective, she genuinely wants to understand.
Then there are the little things that add up.
For example, we mostly drink water at home. When my late husband’s mom visits, she always brings a 12-pack of Dr Pepper. She’ll let my son have as many as he wants, but when my daughter asks for one, she’ll tell her no or tell her to drink a zero-sugar one instead (which my daughter doesn’t like). I’ve started buying regular Dr Pepper myself before visits so my daughter isn’t the only one being told no.
Recently, my daughter has started calling it out.
She’ll ask me, “Mom, can I have a Dr Pepper?”
I’ll say yes.
Then she’ll look right at Grandma and say, “Well, Grandma says I can’t have any.”
Grandma immediately acts confused or innocent, like my daughter is making it up, even though I’ve witnessed it happen multiple times.
It’s not just the soda. There are countless little moments like this where my daughter is treated differently.
It’s gotten to the point that if I need someone to watch my daughter, I’ll usually ask her dad’s wife (we’re very close) instead because I know she’ll treat her fairly.
My son obviously loves the attention, and I don’t blame him. I don’t want to punish him or take away relationships that are important to him.
But I hate watching my daughter slowly realize she’s being treated differently by people who insist she’s their granddaughter.
My biological mom is the only grandparent figure who truly treats both of my kids exactly the same. She can’t afford to spoil them, but she loves them equally, and they both know it.
So here’s my question:
Would I be overreacting if I told them that if they’re going to call my daughter their granddaughter, they need to treat her like one? And if they can’t or don’t want to, then maybe they should stop calling her their granddaughter altogether.
I’m not expecting everything to be exactly equal, but I also don’t think it’s fair for one child to consistently feel like she’s second choice.

Edit to add: My stepmom and Late husband’s mom hangout a lot. My stepmom has a guest house and my late husband’s mom will stay there for a week or two and have my son some of the time while she’s there. So it’s not just one or the other doing it individually, they are both actively not taking her or doing things with her at the same time.

I also want to add that while my son is away with them, I do my best to make that time special for my daughter. We’ll have movie nights in my bed, go get our nails done, have lunch together, relax in the pool, or just spend one-on-one time together. I never want her to feel like she’s missing out.
The thing is, I know I’m trying to make up for something that shouldn’t need to be made up for.
She hasn’t directly asked me why her brother gets to stay with them and she doesn’t, but I know that question is coming. For a while, I’ve been mentally preparing excuses to protect their feelings and spare hers.
This weekend really made it hit me. We spent the Fourth of July together, and when we left today, they kept my son for a few more days while I brought my daughter home. On the drive home, I realized I was already rehearsing what I was going to say when she eventually asks why she doesn’t get to stay too.
Then I stopped and thought… why am I preparing to make excuses for grown adults?
Part of me feels like I need to finally say something. Another part of me wonders if I should stop protecting them from the consequences of their own actions and let my daughter ask them directly why they treat her differently.
I’m really torn because I don’t want to damage anyone’s relationship, but I also don’t want my daughter growing up feeling like she’s somehow less worthy of love or attention.

I should’ve added a couple of things for context.
There is another granddaughter who stays with them regularly too—my stepbrother’s daughter. She’s only about two months older than my son, so they absolutely do have another grandchild stay over. (So no its not sexist behavior)

I also don’t think the Dr Pepper situation is about my daughter’s diet. She actually cares about making healthy choices on her own. I think that’s something she’s picked up from me because I’m always reading nutrition labels. Sometimes she’ll ask me if something is a healthy choice, and she gets really proud of herself when she chooses healthier options.
At home, I do limit junk food and soda for both kids, but I’m not overly strict. I usually say things like, “Everything in moderation,” “Drink some water first,” or “Let’s pick a healthier snack,” and I’ll redirect them toward fresh fruit or vegetables. I’m definitely stricter than the grandparents are when it comes to what the kids eat and drink.
That’s why the Dr Pepper thing stands out to me. It’s oddly specific. She’ll let my son have as many as he wants, but when my daughter asks, she’s often told no or told to drink a zero-sugar one instead. It isn’t consistent with how she treats the other kids, and that’s what bothers me.

TL;DR: My late husband’s mom and my stepmom consistently favor my 12-year-old son over my 9-year-old daughter, even though they call her their granddaughter. My daughter has started noticing and pointing it out. Would I be overreacting if I told them to either treat her equally or stop calling her their granddaughter?

Hello, disclaimer: Englisch is not my first language.

So this is about my (female, 31years) mother in law (63years), let‘s call her Anna. For Context Husband (35years) and I have been together for 6years.

Anna has, in my opinion, a toxic relationship with father in law (63years), let‘s call him Steve and her Dad (85years).

For Context: The Relationship between Anna and her Family has always been dificult. She is the third Child of 5 Kids (3 Boys, 2 Girls). Her Youngstern sister is the golden child, Anna was more of a second Mother and a burden because of her medical issues. Anna lives 2 Hours away from her Familie. Annas Mother past away Four month ago, After many years of Major Health issues.

In recent years, there have repeatedly been situations in which Anna’s father behaved very maliciously and toxically. For example, he once accused her of bribing a nurse to hurt him during a blood draw. She had driven two hours to visit him because he was in the hospital.

Before and after the funeral, there were constant arguments that continue to this day. From Anna’s perspective, her father rejects every idea and wish she expresses. Anna wanted to design her mother’s grave in a way that reflected her mother’s wishes, but her father insisted on his own ideas. Whenever there is a disagreement, it seems to immediately escalate into a fight in which the father devalues Anna.

Now about the relationship. Steve is the father of my husband; there is also an older sister and a younger brother. I witness the interactions between Steve and Anna firsthand. Often, small disagreements lead to Steve feeling offended, while Anna continues trying to assert her opinion. Steve quickly feels patronized and overruled. Anna feels unsupported and forced to endure Steve’s emotional outbursts. The atmosphere between them becomes very toxic, Steve makes accusations and undermines Anna’s competence and abilities. This happens at least two to three times a day when we are there. Anna feels that Steve does not support her, no matter what the issue is, and I can partly understand her.

Currently, Anna and Steve are planning a big birthday celebration together because Steve wants it. The party is in three weeks, and Steve has now taken a week off. He does this every year.

In my eyes, both are toxic relationships with similar patterns, and I can understand where it comes from. I know quite a lot about the problems because Anna often calls my husband, and he is her emotional support (I know, that is also strange and unhealthy). I have talked to my husband several times about the fact that Anna should ideally go low contact with her father, and that her relationship with Steve also needs clear boundaries — or that a separation (even just living apart) would be better.

Anna has already expressed that she wants less contact with her father, but it hasn’t worked. She has also been considering separating from Steve for years, but nothing happens.

Now my question: How can I/we support Anna in creating distance and becoming clear about her boundaries?

What can my husband do, what can I do?

If nothing changes in the coming months or years, how should we act, and what can my husband do?

Here's a story so there's no bias. My mom has been an OFW for almost 19 years, I am now 23 and my brother is 24. My father died 3 years ago . And that's when mom came home, but she never came home before but not always. After dad was buried, mom stayed home for a while and then went back abroad. My brother and I were left at home. Dad was the one who took care of us since birth so it was so painful and hard to lose him. The grieve of losing a father is not easy so until now I still feel hurt especially now that mom and I are not okay. When we were just looking after dad at home, I found out that mom had other family in another place which was so heartbreaking because I trusted her that she couldn't do that. Imagine how long she had been gone and then she had a family with someone else, the worst is they have a child. That time my opinion of mom changed although I didn't let mom know that I knew her secret. I didn't tell my brother either because he was so down about dad's death that he might not be able to handle it. Fast forward, my brother went abroad just this year. Mom and I were left alone, I was home alone while mom was at her shop in another municipality. We fought through chat, because she asked me for money to pay her debt (I was already working but I also had bills) but I didn't give it to her because I really needed it and I didn't have a salary yet. She told me that I was greedy, that I couldn't be trusted. And then I couldn't hold back, I told her everything, I asked her where her salary went when she was abroad, imagine 30k monthly then she would give us an allowance of 3k per month (allowance, groceries, and all) then she would only give it to us when dad really had nothing. She has more luxuries than us. She spoiled herself while we didn't, because we never requested it from her because we know the value of money. I even said that she loves her stepchild more than us because she can give to her when she has a birthday, or when she is sick while we still feel like it is against her hearts to give. Now that I have told her everything, am I still bad? I am a sharp-tongued person.

What she does for us now is just basic needs that we did not experience before because she was gone. She still wants to throw me out of the house just because I told her the truth about her, maybe she forgot her sins against us. Until now we have not talked, I still feel bad that she rejected me just because I did not give him the money to pay her debt, which she used. She even used my name just to get a loan but I let her because he needed it.

Had a conversation with my parents today and they were talking about my husbands job search and my mom listing for the unpteenth time all the industries he should look into, manufacturing being the “big one with all the opportunities” in this particular conversation, and all the states we should consider moving to. she again kept insisting that we have to leave California because “you’ll never make it here.”

I told them that my husband is already doing exactly that. He’s constantly searching, applying, and looking for better opportunities. I explained that our immediate priorities are paying off the debt we have and me completing my college prerequisites, not looking to move, but neither of those things stop him from continually applying for jobs and doing everything he can to find a better paying one.

My mom then brought up one of her friends and again started talking about how we should move to Tennessee because it would be perfect for us.

I responded that if someone would actually call my husband back, then yes, maybe one day we could move (if we ever wanted to). But right now, talking about relocating is pointless until he finds a job that actually pays a living wage. and also, we’d really like to not move, because our whole community and both our families are here. This is the same conversation we’ve had over and over again.

My mom then started reminiscing about her first job at JCPenney, where she made $1.25 an hour and was thrilled just to be hired. She said that she could still afford her apartment though.

I pointed out that wages and the cost of living simply aren’t comparable anymore. Back then, people could earn less and still survive. That’s just not true. and we don’t make a living wage.

At that point, my dad interrupted and asked, “What’s this socialist stuff I’m hearing?” He took issue with my use of the phrase “living wage,” saying that no one is entitled to be paid what they think they deserve, that the free market determines wages, and that talking about a “living wage” is “socialist crap.” and that it is OUR responsibility to make what we need to survive and thrive.

I said that I wasn’t arguing everyone should make $90,000 working at Starbucks or that the government should mandate certain wages but that my point was simply that my husband has a bachelor’s degree, works incredibly hard, and between the two of us we work four jobs just to scrape by. He’s spent the last five years trying to find work that can actually support a family, and the opportunities simply haven’t been there. It feels reasonable to believe that someone with his education and experience and work ethic should be able to earn enough to live on. I mean come on.

I also said again that my parents constantly compare today’s economy to the one they entered as young adults, but they’re so fundamentally different it isn’t funny. They were able to survive, and even THRIVE,
on much lower incomes because housing, education, and everyday expenses were dramatically cheaper. We don’t have that reality for goodness sakes, and we simply hope for/need someone to give Aaron an opportunity.

But that point got no acknowledgement of course, besides the usual: oh well you will you just have to look in the right places and keep at it, and be ok with living under your means and keep giving your resume out and keep talkin to people and go into interviews with the number YOU want and negotiate your salary so interviewers know what your worth and do the hard work go to night school bla bla bla. and my dad is all : I did not make much money when i first became a CPA but knew it would pay off eventually. My mom joked that my dad basically had to marry her because she was making SO much money at the time. They repeated that we just need to keep working hard, live below our means, look in the right places (out of california) and eventually everything will work out.

At that point, I completely shut down.

no real, unconditional empathy from them. and the thing that makes me so angry is that my parents weren’t 28 years old, living in a one-bedroom barn apartment, working four jobs between them, and barely making ends meet. They were in their early twenties and had already purchased their first home with cash during this “time period” they keep describing as comparable to ours.

Every conversation with them becomes really political, comparative, or another opportunity to offer their all knowing wisdom. There is never a moment where they simply stop and say, “Wow. You are working incredibly hard. I can see how difficult this is.”

even mentioning my plan to start working towards my own college degree hurts cuz of the history with my college fund. (them dissolving the fund because I didn’t use it on their timeline.)

TLDR: My parents turned another conversation about my husband’s job search into a lecture about everything i need to do better, working harder, they went through the same things and “just sticking with it.” When I tried to explain how different today’s economy is and how hard we’re already working, I was met with political arguments, unsolicited advice, and zero empathy.

Okay, some context. My name is Luis, I'm 21 years old, I'm halfway through my university studies in veterinary medicine, and I live at my parents' house, where they still support me. Since I study in the same city, they said there was no point in me moving out, which seemed fine to me at the time. I have a partner, a partner I love, and she already lives on her own.

The thing is, my partner can't take it anymore. I'm practically a little kid, while she already lives independently, has freedom of choice, and is capable. I'm not. I'm a little kid in an adult's body. Every decision has to go through my parents. They support me in everything and are overprotective of me. For a long time, I didn't see the problem. I thought my girlfriend was just being intolerant, but now I understand that I was just blinded by my privilege. I'm a 21-year-old man who asks permission to go out, who has a curfew, who's afraid to speak out against his parents, who lets them make the decisions, and who lets them complain because my girlfriend wants to see me often.

And I'm only just now realizing the psychological warfare that was my home. My parents love me, no doubt about it, they're good people, but my whole life they overprotected me from absolutely everything. They raised me to be codependent on them, rewarding any show of obedience and helpfulness so they could always have their "noble child." I was never myself, I never developed as a person, I have identity crises, I wear a mask 24/7 everywhere except with my girlfriend, but I didn't understand where these issues came from. Now I know they come from them. I was never myself because I preferred to be what they wanted me to be. I let them make every decision for me and keep me under their protection. They think all I need to be an adult is a degree, that after graduating they'll let me go and I'll be independent and capable. They ignore the fact that being an adult requires facing adversity and learning from mistakes. They won't let that happen. The idea of me being in danger terrifies them. They can't sleep if I'm out of the house. They don't trust me. They won't let me make mistakes. Now I understand: I'll never grow as a person in this house.

My girlfriend can't wait any longer. She's building her life, fixing up her house—things we were supposed to do together—but she's doing them alone because she can't wait forever.

I'm planning to move in with my girlfriend this year. I'll get a part-time job, but it's difficult. I feel terrible because I know this is going to cause a huge fight. My parents will complain, insult my girlfriend, say I'm wrong, that this will ruin my life. I'm afraid of losing them, and I know this fear stems from my codependency on them, but I still love them. I don't want to hurt them, but it's no longer an option. This house isn't good for me. How do I find the courage to escape?

Hi guys I’ve never posted on Reddit before and the only reason I’m coming to Reddit to discuss this situation is because I can’t go anywhere else. I have been sick about this for months and have had no outlet apart from my therapist to really talk about this situation but he was no help. I am 24 (F) I have a 2 year old son. Last Christmas while I was bathing my son, he said 3 words *uncle* touched me. He was not even 2 yet when this happened and it was so fleeting that I didn’t know what to make of it. I called my husband and we were both extremely concerned. My brother in law is only 11 years old. He has autism. He spends a LOT of time with my toddler which now in hindsight is extremely odd to me. He has always wanted to be with my son and practically follows him around and tries to pick him up everywhere we go. The ONLY reason I have not cut all contact completely is because he is so young and on the spectrum and my husband helps his mother and family financially a lot as they do not have a father. I have had a conversation with my mother in law and we have agreed to keep my son away from him for the foreseeable future but I don’t feel like it’s enough. I have lost sleep over this for months. I feel as though i have failed as a mother. For some extra context, after my toddler initially said those 3 words, he went to my husband and my mom and said the same thing. He laughed about it as if it was a joke.. I’m just not sure if I should put my foot down firm and cut all contact with the whole family or if I should just say that if uncle is there we will not be there?? I really need some input, I’m still very young and a first time mother at that. I have already beaten myself up about this for so long and could really use some advice without judgment.. thank you.

I'm 19 years old, but sometimes I still feel like I have almost no freedom. My parents are very strict about where I go, who I'm with, what time I come home, and even simple things that people my age usually don't have to think twice about. I understand that parents worry because they care, and I know they want to keep me safe. I appreciate that.

But at the same time, I'm becoming an adult. I want the chance to make my own decisions, learn from my experiences, and have a little independence. It can be frustrating when it feels like I'm constantly being treated like a child.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if things would be different if I were a boy. Would I have more freedom? Would there be fewer questions, fewer rules, and more trust? I've seen some families give their sons much more independence while expecting their daughters to follow stricter rules. It makes me question whether some of the restrictions I face are really about my safety or simply because I'm a girl.

I'm not trying to disrespect my parents. I love them, and I know parenting isn't easy. I just wish there was more trust and more open communication instead of feeling like I always have to ask for permission or explain every little thing.

Has anyone else experienced this? Especially girls around my age? How do you deal with strict parents while trying to become more independent? I'd really like to hear your experiences and advice.

I (22f) have little to no experience with extended family as both my parents moved away from their families way before I was born. The only blood-related family members that I know are my parents and my siblings as we were only born and raised under the same roof. That being said, the only family reunions that I’ve been to were those of family friends’ and I was surrounded by people that I didn’t know outside of the ones that extended the invitation to me. I was recently talking to my parents and my younger sister (14f) went with our godparents to a family reunion but they ended up not going because my godfather said that he wasn’t going to pay for it(which is understandable). But I was talking to my parents and they said that that’s the reason that they’ve never gone to a family reunion as well. I find it very strange because in my eyes, you shouldn’t have to pay to see family when they don’t even reach out to you for free. I can understand if it was a fundraiser to support someone or it was to collectively pitch in on food and decorations, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m extremely perturbed by this stipulation so I guess my question is, is this normal? If so, when did it start and why?

I guess for some context I’m a very anxious person always have been stemming all the way back to my childhood with some very specific family dynamics. I just felt constantly put in between my parents marriage because I felt like I was both of their only friend throughout their whole divorce. that having happened around the age of 14, really instilled an anxious mindset on me. I was constantly trying to make sure I didn’t hurt one’s feelings, even while trying to comfort the other parent. so fast forward to adulthood. I’m a people pleasing person who never says anything contrary to whoever’s talking to me because I don’t like conflict and I’ve been trained very much so to always make sure everyone feels safe loved and comfortable. My mom got married to someone who loves to argue. But still, I avoid arguments with him most of my adult life until I reached a point where I finally called him out for something and ended up moving out of my mom‘s house. This was around the time I was about to get married so it wasn’t really a big deal and we get along fine. now I am married to a man who also is argumentative. (Differently) I don’t think he’s trying to argue. I think he genuinely thinks he’s teaching, but regardless, it comes across to a lot of people as constantly trying to tell them how they’re wrong. I will say my husband is someone who is very Booksmart and probably autistic although undiagnosed. So when I say this, I genuinely think he in his head is like oh they just don’t have the information. How can I give it to them but to a lot of people they don’t want the information. all of that to say that it puts me in a lot of situations where I am trying to basically people please his conversations to make everyone feel happy. Also I’ve recently started hearing from my mom about how he makes her unhappy and how he constantly is “belittling” (to my mom, disagreeing with her is belittling her) her, and it makes me upset because I have a really hard time with feeling that people don’t like me or wanna be around me, so her openly discussing with me how she hangs out with me less because of who I’m married to hurts, especially when I’ve been putting up with her husband since I was 15 who literally goes out of his way to pick a fight with every person he comes in contact with as long as I’ve known him. he isn’t the same as my husband although I’m not trying to downplay my husband I know that he is annoying to people and can come in to strong. However, my mom’s husband is different in the way that he just wants to be the woe is me type of person. And every story is about how someone has gone out of their way too wrong/disrespect him. So it’s frustrating that like I’ve never gone out of my way to make it known to my mom that he is sometimes hard to be around. I’ve never not hung out with her due to him, but my mom is not a people pleaser and very much so always see a point of view from how the story makes her feel and so because my husband calls her out on some stuff that she says he’s mean to her and makes her feel crappy and so intern she makes me feel crappy. Which is really playing into the anxiety in my head that tells me that everybody hates me and doesn’t really wanna hang out with me, but do out of obligation. My mom and I have had a very complicated relationship on and off since I was a child and I really feel like we’re starting to get to a good place but recently I’ve just noticed it really feels like she’s taking digs at me. Like I made a joke. It was kind of a sarcastic, witty response to something I didn’t mean any harm by it but you know I’ll do better in the future, but my mom said you’re being rude. I said oh I’m sorry I was just trying to be funny. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings to what she said, but it didn’t sound funny to me. It sounded kind of bitchy… to which I just apologize to move on, but I can’t quit thinking about it! Because now all I can think is she probably does think I’m a bitch and that’s her letting that out! I just feel like I’ve spent such a long time trying to just allow myself to even have a personality around people that I feel safe with because I spent so much of my life shoving everything I believed and thought down. so insecure all the time because I’m so stressed that something I said bothered someone offended them or hurt them. I live in an area that politically. I don’t really agree with most of my friends or family to be honest, but that’s never been a problem for me. I’m mostly just don’t talk about politics or beliefs. But I basically made a comment to my mom about how it really annoyed me how my brother couldn’t be bothered to help his wife with their kids to which she immediately started defending my siblings. which is fine I know that she more so agrees with what they believe anyway. But then she decided to say that the reason I had so much help is because my husband‘s a little bit gay my husband is very nerdy and not a traditional manly man.He is not gay I mostly didn’t get into it. And I was talking to my husband about how much it bothered me because I was on the phone with both of them. Which he said if being a good father makes me gay then whatever. These comments have just put me in a really uncomfortable place because I guess it just kind of feels like I’ve been opening up more and more to my mom and now I feel like I need to shut down because I’ve slept too much of myself out which feels a lot like middle school again frankly. But it’s also making me realize that she’s kind of the person who I tell things too , I’m literally realizing I’m 30 years old I don’t know that I have a single friend. I trust to be myself with apart from my husband and apparently my mom thinks he’s an ass. So I’m just curious how do you guys deal with that. I’ve already had a conversation with my husband about bringing it down and he over the last couple of months has been great about just not talking to my mom. which sucks but like it’s not worth getting into a fight with anyone over and I told him just like if they’re not asking for the information you don’t have to inform them. To them It feels like an attack and I hate that I have to make him small for them to be comfortable, but it’s also like it’s really affecting my mental health to feel like everyone hates me, which I know is me making my problems here which I hate . But the kicker is it’s not helping they’re still saying comments to me about him being a jerk and I’m like he hasn’t even said anything to you this week. I’ve literally spent the last three weeks with my family because of them being in town and my husband has maybe said 20 words the whole three weeks to them and my mom still made a comment about how every time she’s around him, he hurts her feelings. I understand that maybe that’s how she still feels because of previous interactions but like he’s actively not been doing it. I don’t know. it’s just really bothering me that it feels like he can’t redeem himself, but like holding everything her husband‘s ever said against him. And it also just feels like lately she hates me too, which it all gives me anxiety because unfortunately, somewhere in my car, I just feel like everyone needs to like me for me to be OK and I know that’s something I need to work on in myself, but I don’t know how to quiet those voices and then I get so anxious and I start thinking about every person who knows me and how they probably don’t enjoy my company because I just start tearing myself down. I just don’t know. How are you guys deal with that? Where am I just alone in this? I can’t imagine I’m the only person who has experienced this or something similar I do want to clarify I love my mom and I love my siblings and I love my husband and I love my stepdad, but we are all people who are wired different and have different experience that have shaped us. I just feel like there’s a part of me that feels the need to make sure everyone is happy and it’s getting exhausting.