r/family

This is my first post, so apologies if it's formatted in a strange way.

Ever since I entered my teenage years, my dad has become more noticeably hot-tempered and unpredictable. Whenever I try to come up with a small conversation with him, it somehow always turns into a lecture/argument. I have a younger sister (15F) who I try to protect from my dad's comments by arguing back, because I used to struggle with my own self image, thanks to him. My mum (46F) is usually the mediator when we argue, but she is also afraid of my dad, and often tells me how she wishes that he wasn't so emotional all the time. I don't like the effect that my dad's behaviour/emotions are having on my family.

He often speaks irrationally without much consideration of what the other person might feel. I'm very bad at maths, and he always makes sure that I'll be worthless and dumb for as long as my scores in maths exams stay down. I'm really trying though, but I don't think he realises that. He also used to physically abuse me, but that stopped when I was 12. We actually talked about it. We are a religious (christian) family, and every now and then he'd apologise and ask for forgiveness from me, claiming that "the devil possessed him" every time he'd abuse me. I didn't really buy it.

Instead of abuse, since then he became violent in other ways. Whenever things don't go his way, he always swears and throws something at the wall, or when we're outside, he walks off and leaves us behind. Recently, I insisted on taking an umbrella with us when we went out on a family dinner, but he started yelling all of a sudden, saying that "it won't rain", and snatched my umbrella out my hands and threw it at the wall, which caused a dent. Just like I said, it did end up pouring, and we were drenched. He didn't even spare a look of concern for my sister, who was recovering from a cold that day. He refuses to admit he's wrong.

He doesn't act like this all the time, either, and it confuses me. At church, he acts all reserved and polite, and acts like a dad. The second we get home, however, he starts to pick on my sister and I for doing nothing. He releases all his stress from work by coming home and yelling at us, and it's tiring being the only one in the family who stands up for myself and my mum and sister.

These days, his small comments don't affect me too much. I'm not sure if I've matured or just stopped caring, but watching the consequences of his actions and how it sometimes gets back at him (like the umbrella and the rainy day) is now amusing to me. I feel like I'm better/smarter/more rational than him, despite the age difference and skill level in maths. I view him as an immature man who still hasn't developed his emotional critical skills, and hardly as my dad anymore.

I'm planning on moving out as soon as I can and reducing contact, because despite there being some good memories together, he's quite draining. I'm only worried for my mum and sister, because, not to sound narcissistic, but they aren't as resilient or strong-willed as I am. I want to improve the relationship while I can, but I don't think its salvageable anymore, since it's been going on for years now.

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TL;DR: My dad is very stubborn, has a high ego, and immediately resorts to violence over even the most trivial disagreements. He think's he's the king of the family, and it's destroying our relationship with him.

edited: "We are a religious (christian) family, and he claimed that "the devil possessed him" every time he'd abuse me."
into: "We are a religious (christian) family, and every now and then he'd apologise and ask for forgiveness from me, claiming that "the devil possessed him" every time he'd abuse me."

Today is the one year anniversary of my father in laws passing and my family is getting together at my mother in laws house. My mother in law has never truly made me feel supported but more judged. She is genuinely sweet lady and has helped us financially. Again she has never really made me feel loved or supported. Which is particularly hard for me as my parents passed 14+ years ago. Ex. She didn't even say happy Mother's Day to me even as I was handing her a gift and saying it to her. There is a list of other things too. My therapist thinks I should start drawing boundaries and empower myself by not going today. I was on board but now I am at odds as I kind of do want to go. I'm debating reaching out to my therapist and let her know how I'm feeling. Any opinions would greatly feel appreciated

Sorry for any grammar mistake, english Is not my first language.

I came back from uni a couple of months ago, and I'll stay with my parents until September (long story).

After I got home, my parents soon started telling me that I gained weight, especially my mother. They're not being particularly mean or anything, but it's clear that they're not happy about It.

Now, I know I'm fatter than I used to be, thought I don't think I gained that much weight (I still fit in most of my clothes), but I find their comments grating.

Their concerns are unfounded. My health Is good and I'm not in danger, nor do I have an ED.

The thing Is...mom Is obsessed with diets. She's been trying to lose weight for as I can remember and she has a terrible relationship with food and her body. Always complaining about being too fat, always feeling guilty about every bite she puts in her mouth.

I tried to tell her multiple times that she should consider speaking to a therapist and try to have a healthier relationship with the way she looks, but it's like talking to a wall, so I've lost my hope.

I just wish she didn't project her issues in me.

As for my father... he's always been tactless and he doesn't care.

When I was a child I was afraid my parents would divorce, now I almost hope they do, because I think he's one of the reasons why my mother Is so insecure.

Today It was hot and my mom told me to try an old pair of shorts, and they didn't fit (I mean, I've had them since I was 16 and now I'm 22, seems normal to me).

I tried to shrug their comments off, but my mom told me (in a "light" tone) that she appreciates my nonchalance because she would cry if she were me, while my father told me that at least my ass looks better, now that I'm fatter, and I should try to lose my guts to look perfect.

I'm almost considering going on a diet just to shut them up.

TDLR: I gained weight and my parents keep making comments about this, and I'm tired of them.

So I’m black and I noticed a lot in minority groups we are very unwilling to share and have sacrifices to grow long term..

you know why do we always have to be in a rush to leave the house at 18 years old? Why do parents try to kick you out the house at 18 21 25 years old you know why is it that in certain cultures , Asian cultures , Muslim cultures , Jewish cultures they don’t leave their house until they’re grown adults, and married.., and then even when they are married, they still stay home with their parents …..Why go and get an apartment somewhere else when the whole family could all live together and not everybody has to have a car but we could all share two or three cars depending on how big the family is and how small the family is. We could all share and stay down and invest our money until we’re able to come up in life.?

Like if there’s a family of eight people, why would everybody need their own car? We’re not rich I understand the independence but if it’s a family of eight people and everyone is above the age of 18 what’s wrong with having four cars or maybe five cars, those extra three or four cars is the extra $2000 a month and financing and insurance. that’s $24,000 a year that’s $24,000 that can go into a Roth IRA or buying some silver and gold or buying property…

And this is not to like throw races in there, but this is why a lot of white people and some of you may be reading this. A lot of you guys are very smart and you know in black cultures and Spanish cultures , minority cultures you don’t have anybody to create a Roth IRA for you or even a custodial Roth IRA for you when you’re a kid and have money invested in you so that way when you’re 25 years old, you got $150,000 waiting for you to help you in your future…

You know I feel like a lot of minority cultures you know they just have sex and have a kid without really preparing for the kids life you know they all want you to go to college and do all these things but they don’t really prepare you for life they don’t really teach you about like don’t have sex early on because you can get pregnant and that would derail your future and the progress of trying to build your life, be careful who you actually hang around with. Try to surround yourself with good friends , you know also even having the importance of family night, eating together as a family around a table playing video games together as a family watching movies together as a family teaching your children the value of a dollar and how a dollar today is a dollar tomorrow, but if you put a dollar in stocks, it could go up and down you can’t get rich off of a 9 to 5 try to build assets and have less liabilities..

The reason I’m saying this is because I’m in a position where I don’t have a car anymore at the moment and I had to move back in with my mom and you know I make good money doing Uber eats and I wanted to use her car for just a month so I could go and buy a nice $3000 car with the money I make with Uber Eats but she doesn’t even trust me to go and use her car and the only way I can use her car is if she comes with me , and I ’m 29 years old I’m a grown man and you know I’m dealing with a mom that is starting to have signs of vascular dementia and heavy signs of BPD, bipolar and paranoia… and it’s like you know I’m not a felon. I don’t sell drugs. I’ve had one car my whole life and It was a total of six years. I’ve never had multiple cars that I damaged. I don’t sell crack. I don’t do drugs. I’m not in and out of jail and I can’t even use my mom‘s car mind you my mom stays home all day every day and she stares out the window because she’s too scared to go outside, she doesn’t even go for a walk around the block, she’s not even mentally stable to drive, and she has a perfectly working car outside that I can’t even drive. That no one uses… You know I have errands and things that I need to do and I have to take the bus and there’s times where I missed the bus, things that could take two hours if I had a car, but it takes over five hours since I don’t have a car.

And all I wanna do is just use my mom’s car for three weeks at least and I’ll make more than enough money to go. Buy a nice little cheap Hooptie to get back on my feet… and she’s telling me oh you can’t use my car go get a job.. OK cool if I go get a job, which I’m currently trying to do, I’m not gonna get a job overnight, that’s gonna take time and then to get the income from the job it’s gonna take time as well… we’re talking at least 2 to 3 months…. When I could just use your car and I’m back on my feet with in a month. So what am I supposed to do? Eat all the food in your house? I don’t even have a dollar to go buy a toothbrush…. I have a way of making legal money 1200- $1300 a week.

Mind you she’s 69 years old, if she was to drop dead tomorrow, then what happens to me…? You’re set for the rest of your life you have your pension. I’m working on trying to be an entrepreneur building my side businesses and I just need a little tiny push so I could go buy myself a car….

She even offered to buy me a car, but I declined because she’s the type of person to guilt trip you and rub it in your face if you want to do something or say something she doesn’t like, and then when I realized that was my only option of getting in the car, I told her you know let’s go get a nice cheap car for four to $5000 and I’ll pay you back the money within a month or a month and a half… and then she’s like oh I’m not gonna do anything for you because of the way you talk to me you talk to me like I’m garbage, which is not true at all I’m a very well spoken person and I speak my mind on certain things and if you disagree with my mom, then you’re the devil and you’re a bad person… I’m not allowed to say any jokes or anything because she’s so BPD and bipolar anything that you say can just tick her off… you could say the sky is blue and then she will say the sky is red and if you try to disagree with her, she’ll have a tantrum…. and I’ve honestly just realized you know my mom can’t accept me for who I am…. She still thinks I’m that little 10-year-old kid who hair she used to braid when I was young younger….

My mom is 67, lives alone, and has absolutely no idea how anything mechanical works in her house. That's not a criticism, it's just how it is. My dad handled all of that stuff for 35 years and when he passed four years ago she inherited a house full of systems and appliances she'd never had to think about once in her life.

I try to check in on things when I visit but I'll be honest I'm not as consistent about it as I should be. Life gets busy and she never complains so I assume everything is fine.

Two weeks ago she called me on a Tuesday night sounding genuinely shaken. Said her AC had been struggling all week, barely cooling the house, and she'd called a local company to come take a look. The guy spent maybe twenty minutes there, told her the system was old, inefficient, and that she was basically throwing money away running it. Gave her a quote for a full replacement. Just under nine thousand dollars. She had written the number down on a notepad and was reading it to me over the phone like it was a medical diagnosis.

I could hear in her voice that she'd already half accepted it. She was asking me whether she should just put it on her credit card or look into financing. She wasn't even questioning whether it was the right call. Someone had come to her house in a uniform and told her something was broken and she believed him completely because why wouldn't she.

Something felt off to me though. The system is twelve years old which isn't new but it's not ancient either. I told her not to do anything yet and drove over.

First thing I did was walk to the utility closet where the air handler is. Found the filter slot, pulled it out and just stood there for a second.

I don't know how to fully describe what I was looking at. It wasn't even really a filter anymore. It was this thick compressed mat of grey and brown dust that had basically formed its own solid structure. I tapped it against the side of the closet and a chunk broke off. I turned to my mom and asked her when she last changed it and she looked at me completely genuinely and said she didn't know filters needed to be changed.

She didn't know. Nobody had ever told her. My dad had apparently always handled it quietly and it was just something that happened without her ever being aware of it. After he passed it just stopped happening and nobody caught it including me.

I drove to the hardware store, got the right size, came back and put it in. While I was there I also cleaned the return vent which was almost as bad as the filter and checked the drain line which was starting to get gunky.

Turned the system back on and just sat with her for a while. Within an hour the house was the coldest it had probably been all summer. She kept walking to different rooms and saying it felt different in there.

I felt so many things sitting at her kitchen table that night. Relieved obviously. But also guilty because I should have been checking this. And angry, not at the contractor because maybe he genuinely believed the system was done, but at the whole situation where a 67 year old woman living alone gets handed a nine thousand dollar quote and has nobody there to just ask one obvious question before she signs anything.

She has a reminder on her phone now. I set it up before I left. First day of every month it says "air filter" and she knows to call me if she's not sure what to do with it. I also wrote the filter size on a piece of tape inside the closet door because I don't want her standing in a hardware store trying to remember numbers.

What kills me is how close it came to going the other way. If I hadn't answered the phone that night she probably would have scheduled the install by the end of the week.

Please check on the people in your life who live alone and might not know these things. It takes five minutes and it could save them a lot of money and a lot of stress.

I’m 22 and still live with my parents. I’ve been with my partner for almost three years. Recently, a very close family member on my partner’s side passed away, and we need to travel around 8 hours to attend the funeral. We’ll be driving there and staying with my partner’s family for a few days (from the 27th to the 31st)

The funeral is on the 28th, my father’s birthday is on the 30th, and my partner wants to head back home on the 31st.

The situation has become really difficult because birthdays in my family have always been a really big thing, especially because I’m an only child and we’ve always made a point of spending them together.

Originally, my plan was to attend the funeral and then drive back on the morning of my dad’s birthday so I could still spend time with him and celebrate together, I would leave at about 4-5am.

However, after speaking with my partner, they said they would prefer to stay a few days before and after the funeral to grieve and be with their family. I completely understand why they feel that way, especially because the person who passed away was incredibly important to them and played a massive role in their life. I want to be there to support my partner through this.

The issue is that my partner doesn’t want to compromise on leaving earlier and my parents also don’t want to compromise. My father has become very upset and has said some hurtful things about me “choosing” who I care about more. Personally, I feel like a funeral is more important than a birthday as birthdays come every year and I was still planning on celebrating with my dad when I got back, I am not picking one person over the other, just one situation over the other.

To make things more stressful, I currently drive my parents’ car. I’ve paid off part of it, but I still owe a large amount before it’s officially mine. I’m also between jobs at the moment. Because of the disagreement, my parents have now said I can’t drive the car down there, which is their right and I understand that but I don’t believe my partner’s car will make the trip, and flying also isn’t financially realistic right now for me.

I suggested to my partner about driving back by myself on the day of my father’s birthday so I could attend both, but my partner became upset about that idea as well, they would then have to fly back or be in the car with their parents on the way back.

At this point, I feel stuck in the middle trying to keep everyone happy, but no one is willing to compromise, which means someone ends up upset regardless of what I do. I’m still rather new to balancing time and responsibilities between multiple families, and honestly, I’m exhausted from constantly feeling like I’m carrying the emotional weight of everyone else’s expectations.

As of right now, I’ve chosen to attend the funeral because I want to support my partner during such a significant loss, but I’m worried this is going to create major tension and arguments at home. I genuinely don’t know what the “right” choice is anymore, and I hate feeling like I’m disappointing people no matter what I do.

Realistically I would like to be there for both, and therefore come back home the day of my Fathers birthday but this doesn’t seem to be an option with my partner.

note: funeral is in less than a week and we received the date yesterday, also yes I did use chatgbt to help me write this as I suck at writing stuff coherently. My mother is also not happy with me and doesn’t want to talk to me right now about any of this as she disagrees with what I am doing.

My younger brother is almost 26 years old and he hasn’t had a stable job. He worked for a few days in a warehouse about 4 years ago and he’s been unemployed for most of his life. He lives at home, sleeps during the day and plays video games at night. Always on his phone. He left school during the pandemic. He doesn’t go out a lot either nor does he hang out with his friends. He basically doesn’t do anything. He goes to the kitchen to eat and then goes back to his room. He lives like a teenager. I have tried to help him as much as I can. I try to find jobs for him and I send him links to apply for those jobs. I have also suggested learning new skills, get a driving license; just do something with his life instead of staying at home all day doing nothing. He is depressed and I’ve even tried to get him help but nothing seems to work. He is on UC and he contributes £100 monthly for the bills at home. My mum is worried about him and she often cries about his future. I don’t know how to help him.

I don't get it, we were at the dinner table and as always, he started to belittle me about what I eat. For context, I am eating healthy enough, i always eat vegetables and fruits with the main thing. I am also healthy, my blood tests show it and my body is in the green space. On that day, I made myself a plain Sandwich, white bread with some thin slices ham and had some cucumber and salad with it. My father started yelling at me, saying I should stop being a picky eater, calling it "baby taste" and telling me to stop eating unhealthy (he was referring to the ham. A thin slice of ham.).

I started arguing that I am literally eating vegetable and fruits and my breakfast was a whole ahh cucumber for the last weeks. He kept talking about how difficult I am with food as soon as I rejected to try the weird creation of cucumber salad he made. He knows I am a picky eater and the only salad I eat is plain iceberg salad. I am also a big enemy of sauces. So it went back and forth of me telling him to stop and him finding more and more things to critizise me about. Then he pulled my mom into this, asking if my "problems" will go away eventually. My mom was really annoyed and told him to please stop bothering me about food (this happens like every dinner). Then he yelled at her about stopping to emberass him in front of their children (me and my little sister). Well, he kept trying to argue with us, but we weren't having it, so we just told him to leave it. Surprise: he didn't. Then, he said, "fine, I won't talk about it again.". 5 seconds later, well, you can imagine. Finally, we were finished eating and cleaned up and he literally just stopped interacting with me. I say hi, he ignores. I say "love you", he ignores me. Like wth?? My mom says he needs some alone time now. I am so frustrated, it's like i am getting punished for nothing.

Sorry I wrote that much.

Hello.

I’ve tore twice, 3rd degrees tears although the first was 2nd degree or 3rd degree they weren’t sure.

I know it’s a Big severe tear. I’m recovering fine thankfully. I’m about 4 months post partum.

I just don’t want a major surgery. Anyone can share if they had a third vaginal birth?

>

People think caregiving is only about medicine, doctor visits, changing clothes, and cleaning up accidents.

What they don't understand is that caregiving can reopen wounds a family buried decades ago.

Right now, a 90-year-old man sits needing help to eat, bathe, be cleaned, and cared for...while the family he shattered years ago is still bleeding emotionally from the damage he caused.

Some siblings were abandoned. Some were favored. Some were abused. And some never truly recovered.

Years ago, my father and his wife at the time, took their three small children-just 4, 5, and 6 years old-from the comfort of a Big Texas city and dropped them off deep in the woods of a tiny Texas town at his parents' crumbling shack...and never truly came back for them.

Those children went from a home with running water, toilets, electricity, warm meals, and happy trips to McDonald's...to dirt floors, lanterns for light, pumping water from a well, using an outhouse, and surviving off bullfrogs, squirrels, and whatever else could be hunted off the land.

While those children were growing up forgotten and traumatized in the backwoods, he moved on with his life.

He divorced their mother and later married my mom, who already had two small children of her own. Together they had two more kids. But inside that home, the stepchildren were treated like outsiders. The verbal abuse from the stepfather, neglect, humiliation, and favoritism became part of everyday life.

And somehow, the cruelest part of all...

He would regularly pack up my younger sister---his biological child from my mother, and with her (cookies & candy)---drive back to visit the biological children he abandoned in those woods...and still leave them behind every single time he drove away with my sister.

Imagine being a child standing there watching the only parent you have disappear down a dirt road over and over again with another child, and you can't go with them.

Fast forward decades later...

His only biological son eventually escaped those woods, became a doctor, and had his entire education paid for by the same father who abandoned him and the other two.

Meanwhile, my abused stepbrother ended up in prison for 21 years and never received a visit, a dollar, or even a letter of encouragement.

But life has a strange way of exposing true character. Or, maybe it's Karma.

After prison, that same "forgotten" stepson became the caregiver for our elderly grandfather until he passed away at 97. He later helped care for my grandfather's son, our uncle until his passing at 92. Today, he still helps care for his own father whenever needed.

Now my father who caused so much pain constantly ask about the very stepson he rejected and mistreated for years.

My sister---now exhausted from caregiving---says it's unsettling because deep down she knows the truth: If he had simply treated people right, the family would probably be standing beside him right now. And that's what makes her want to give up, because they're not.

Instead, the family feud is reaching a breaking point.

Two of my sisters are physically and emotionally drained from feeding him, cleaning him, changing him, and carrying the burden mostly alone, that could have been shared by everyone. Old arguments between biological and step siblings are resurfacing with intensity.

My stepsister believes my biological sister should help clean their father because "he's still family."

But my biological sister refuses and says bluntly: "He was never my biological dad."

Still...she quietly shows up with food and keeps wipes, gloves, pull-ups, extra clothes, and discreet caregiving supplies and kits in her car because she knows somebody has to help.

Every conversation about him reopens old wounds. The abandonment. The favoritism. The neglect. The years of emotional damage.

And the cruel irony in all of this?

The Doctor son lives over 250 miles away and rarely comes to see his dad.

The ex-con stepson rebuilt his life, bought a beautiful home, built three corporations from the ground up...and wants absolutely nothing to do with the old man.

Some family wounds never truly heal.

They just grow older alongside the people forced to carry them.

I just wanted to share this in case you've gone through this.

I'm really struggling. My husband just graduated from university after several years of working on his degree program - while juggling a full-time job and a family. I am super proud of him. I shared a bunch of pictures with our family and my father in law didn't even acknowledge the photos. He never reached out to my husband expressing congratulations or sharing that he is proud of his son for such a huge accomplishment. I just don't understand, as a parent myself, what is going on here. But I feel very hurt and I'm not sure what to think or do.

I, (F-18) have a brother, (M-10) who has been shitting his pants his entire life.

He knows how to go to the bathroom but refuses to.
He is not special needs or anything of the sort.
He is not disabled in any way.
He plays baseball, goes to school every day, and has a good social life.
He doesn’t do any of this at school or baseball.
He waits until he gets to the car and then releases.

My mother and grandmother (our caretakers) condone this behavior and tell me off every time I tell him he stinks.

It has gotten to the point where I find pellets of shit on the floor and chairs in my home.

The chairs smell.
The couch smells.
The carpet smells.
The car smells.
Everything smells of shit.

My friends who come to my house refuse to sit on chairs unless they are in MY room.

It has gotten to the point where I get in more trouble for telling him he smells of feces than he does for defecating in his pants and on everything.

He spends all day playing Roblox and poops his pants instead of getting up and going to the bathroom.
I have tried to take away video games, his favorite thing, but when I tried to take them away my mom just changed passwords, made new accounts, etc. (Fixed the problem for him and let him continue this behavior)

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have told my mom many times that he should be tested for autism — give an excuse for this behavior and find a way to TREAT IT.
My mom won’t do anything.

EDIT: He is unfortunately outgrown child diapers and my mother won’t let him wear the adult ones.
He has to throw away at least three pairs of boxers a week because of the copious amounts of shit in them. My mom can’t keep up with the amount of poop she scrapes out so ends up throwing them away.

Sometimes he throws them in cabinets (the cabinets where I keep my body wash, soap, etc. or behind things and it stinks the entire house up.)

There is a lot more that he does that I don’t want to mention.

AITA for reprimanding my brother and telling my mom she isn’t parenting correctly? I just want a normal brother.

I asked if you guys hug your siblings and a lot of you said you do, and I think that's great. But my case is a bit more extreme. My 11 year old brother has been persuading me to give him more than 5 hugs a day by showing me some kind of 4-8-12 hug rule. Is this too much for his age? It is about one hug every hour with me or another sibling before any single activity, breakfast, school, dinner, bed time. I have come to embrace this but I am worried this could carry over until 18 and he could have some kind of complex and would easily get upset without seeing one of his other brothers.

My half brother whos 45 has owned a busniess for 15 years, He does Tree removal. My brother makes around $250k a year to hinself, so hes doing good.

Well im 29 and decided to doo something small for myself, i work afternoons as a city bus driver so i wanted to make extra money. I began doing landscaping, cutting grass and i even got my own trailer.

Well mt brother got mad and told me im trying to take his busniess, and take money from his kids. He told me im taking alll his jobs and told me we are enemies now, even my dad picked my brothers side

How am i stealing money from him???? He cuts trees and i cut grass?!?!

Any advice because im furious

My husband and I live 12 hours from my parents - we moved away a little over 8 years ago. We're expecting our first child in a few months, and are struggling to finish all of the home renovations we panic started when I got pregnant. I keep wishing they would offer to come out for a weekend, or a week (they're retired) to help us prepare our home for the arrival of their new grandchild and to help their only daughter in her first pregnancy.

In contrast, my brother and his wife live 15 minutes away from them - and last year, when they were renovating their house before the birth of their first child, my dad provided a ton of help and free labor on projects while they went to work. And now my mom is now watching their baby 5-days a week so they can save on day care costs. When we talk on the phone, my mom always says "I wish you lived closer so we could help you" as if they couldn't get on a 1.5hr flight or make the time to drive out to see us. I never know what to say, but I always feel so bad afterwards. Am I the asshole for feeling neglected here? I know we live far away and it's unfair to have expectations of my parents to help or try to be involved in my life after I moved away, but I can't help feeling shitty about it.

I am the mother of 3 adult sons, all ranging from 28 to 23. My eldest is married to a lovely young woman, my second has been in a relationship for the past 3 years, and my youngest is single. My husband's family is very tight-knit, and we raised our children with a strong sense of family values. Our sons were raised very closely with their cousins, and we are so close that we have entire family-wide FaceTime calls once a week, on top of multiple international meetups, joint vacations etc.

I was very sad to hear that my oldest son (and I suppose by extension his wife) are in a feud with my middle child and his girlfriend. It appears to be that the girlfriend organized a party coupled with a family reunion weekend and didn't include my eldest and his wife. They invited my youngest son, as well as more extended family members, but not my eldest son nor daughter-in-law. From what I know the four of them have a very close relationship, and my DIL was very welcoming to the younger girlfriend, even offering to include her in her bridal party to 'welcome' her into the family. I asked my middle child and girlfriend and they claim they've never had conflict, which my eldest corroborates.

Anyhow, it turns out that this entire gathering and party happened completely behind the back of my eldest and his wife, and they were dismayed to learn that the girlfriend and the other relative invited were having sidebar conversations on how to broach the topic of this party/weekend reunion with my eldest and dil when they saw them. They said they found out about the party and the reunion because the girlfriend posted photos in the one of the family groupchats, and online. My youngest claimed he only seriously considered attending and traveling for it quite close to the date, and never asked whether his older brother or SIL would be there. Given that they are also very close - especially my youngest and DIL - I was surprised that it didn't come up. We spoke to our middle child and girlfriend when all of this came to light and told them they needed to make this right and apologize. We thought they had, but recently heard from our eldest and dil that not only had they not apologized, but that recent conversations between the girlfriend and my eldest had escalated into full-blown personal attacks. She defended her claim that as the organizer she only wanted to include the members of our family she felt closest to, and while she loved my eldest and dil as her own family, she simply has closer and stronger relationships with other family members. There is only a 2 year age difference between my two eldest sons, and it is true that the other relatives she invited were on the younger end of said spectrum, but again, all were 23-26.

My eldest is furious, saying he expect us as a family to stand behind him, and is asking that we retrace group chats to 'only include immediate' family since the girlfriend used it in the past to 'flaunt' her exclusion efforts. He also was clear with me that while he wants to fix things with his brothers, he is no longer interested in 4-way conversation channels with the girlfriend. I suspect my DIL has a similar position. What do I do? I feel caught in the middle and don't want to take sides. I want the 7 of us to be a cohesive unit and the girlfriend's family has been very generous towards our son, I suspect she will be in the picture forever.

tl;dr my eldest son seems to be in a feud with my middle child and his girlfriend. Ethically, I know what she did wasn't great, but I also know she is rather immature and likely wasn't malicious in her actions. I want all of my children and their partners to feel like a cohesive group and don't want my eldest and middle child to have individual relationships while cutting out a partner as it will mean we can't do group activities or vacations all 7 of us anymore.

edit for more info: my middle's gf's family has been extremely generous towards our son, they treat him to dinner all the time, take him on family vacations, etc. My niece (the one who was invited to said weekend reunion/party) is getting married this summer and everyone is invited. It had been our original plan to get an Airbnb for all 7 of us. I know my eldest and DIL will be cordial, I just want them all to be friends and close and not just superficially polite. I worry that anything we do that retraces a 'family only' line will be taken by the girlfriend's family poorly (ie creating new family only group chats, not including her in an Airbnb) I don't want to do that and do want to include her but at the same time it seems very clear she deliberately excluded my eldest son and is playing middle school exclusion games.

I'll try to keep this brief, but I'm feeling really upset right now at the way my family is treating me and I don't know what to do about it. I really would like some advice from people. I just finished the first year of my Master's degree, and I got straight A's after busting my ass for two semesters, and I'm really proud of the work I accomplished. I love academia and I want to go on to get a PhD after I finish my Master's. It's been a week since the end of the spring semester, and since then I've applied to over a dozen jobs in order to make money over the summer, have followed up with them, and will keep the cycle going until I get something to do until the fall semester starts, when I'll be back in school and working as a TA.

The only problem is that my entire family thinks I'm a loser. They constantly berate me for "not having a real job" and wasting my time and money on pursuing a post-graduate degree. This afternoon my father yelled at me until I cried, telling me that I just "sit on my ass all day and do nothing," while the rest of the family is successful and working hard. He told me that he, my mother, and my brother all think I'm a loser, are "sick of dealing with me," and wish they weren't stuck with me in the same house. No mention of the fact that for the past year I put myself through a competitive and intellectually rigorous graduate programme, or the fact that I've been trying to secure a job since the semester ended -- although he did feel the need to add that even if I did get a job, I'd probably get fired for being "lazy, ugly, and stupid."

It's not a question of me needing to provide financially for my family -- they are comfortably well off. And to make up for not bringing in much income, I cook, clean, and basically do whatever else they ask of me. Maybe my family is right, and I am a loser that doesn't do enough. But I don't know what else I could possibly do to make them think otherwise. I don't think they've ever liked me that much, and our relationship in my teenage years was rocky at best, mostly due to fights we had after I came out as transgender. But I thought they would at least be proud that I've started to carve out a path for my life, and am working hard to make it happen. Instead, they think I'm a loser. What on earth can I do?

I'm 16F. So my mom says I've been a rude, rude child since five years old and my behavior has indeed gotten progressively worse. There are a few major instances that marked my behavior. One time I called my dad stupid (for what, I don't know - I was nine? Ten?) and got angry and fled to my house. He followed me, i tried to get away, but somehow i ended up under the table with him repeatedly kicking my butt. With his foot, not figurative, actually kicking me. There was a period of time where I was forced to stay in my room, not come down stairs for anything. Weird punishment, but I guess there was nothing else possible. It never got better. I am vehemently against corporeal punishment - if you can't a dog, why hit a child? My parents think this is just "white" people thinking, I'm a "white" girl, blah blah blah. Honestly I hate being compared to another race because of an idea. Call me anything you like, don't call me a white girl. What does that even mean??

Anyways, so me and my dad got into what my mom called was a physical tussle, meaning we BOTH tried to fight each other, though I don't see it that way. I never tried to hit my dad, I only wanted to stand up to him. Verbally. I can admit he spoils me to some degree and I feel bad....Another argument. He grabs my wrist. I shout at him to let go. He tries to put his hands on me, mom gets him off, I end up crying and saying sorry to him...for...? I just wanted my electronics back, really.

I love my electronics.

Mom says i've ruined many holidays and birthdays. I don't doubt it for a second. I know how rude I can be, although I'm not the attention seeker like I was when I was a little kid. now I just like being left alone, yeah I'll ask for things, but rarely. Just let me be. I remember I must've been so bad one time, when I was getting paper to write happy birthday for my dad, he yelled at me to go upstairs. No one comforted me. I must've been real bad. And I know I was - I'm not brainwashed by my parents, I think I contradict them a lot, but I KNOW how evil I can be sometimes. To my family. To other people, i don't know, because I'm barely social!

Two years later, another argument, mom was already stressed, i'd disrespected her previously, she got in my face, and I called her the b word. she and dad got on me instantly. i ran away. did i apologize? I don't think I ever did, wow. I've moved on, I barely think about it, but sometimes she'll bring it up and I'll feel ashamed.

I think my problem is I treat my family like i'd treat a stranger who said something snarky to me. The MOMENT you cross me, I'm on you like that. I'll take it farther. Two days ago while in another argument w/ mom my little brother barged in, when I told him I was addressing MOM he proceeded to say, "Shut up, monkey!" and let's say I responded with dual insults that made him cry.

My father's told me in another argument that the moment I disrespect him I'm not his daughter anymore. Well, I could say the same thing for both my parents. In an argument I told him if you try to put your hands/whoop me i'll call the police. He said I'll strangle you, by the time you call you'll be dead. There's only so much you can make up and this is not one of them. Later he'll tell my brother the excuse that it was figurative speech, and mom excuses this by saying I get under people's skin.

I mean, I do...

Similar arguments transpired. One was on vacation. Mom said I ruin everything.

Ok it's now 2026 . This entire sophomore year (which I HATED school, ugh!) was in my room, I barely spoke to my family. We haven't gone on any outings or anything. I miss trips where we felt like an unstoppable team, which is funny--I ruined that feeling. But I don't believe it's all my fault. I have no idea how I'd act around people - if I'd ruin friendships too-Because we move a lot and I was too socially awkward. Junior year HAS to be different. I'll be in college soon.

My parents still treat me decent - more than I treat them most days. My dad says hello, honey, how are you, but I barely look at him. I give him monosyllabic responses. When my grandmother came over she actually had to ask me and my dad to hug each other. When I was younger I was rude to my grandparents too, and they were nice. For some reason I was oddly territorial, like some dog. I was eight, maybe? I don't know. I always lived very far from relatives all my life. States away from any cousin.

I walk around holding grudges, getting confused why, remembering why...They gave me amazing gifts for my birthday, but I simply don't want to let it go. I even dreaded my dad coming over for my birthday - he FLEW to see me. Like my mom says, many dads don't that and here I was dreading it.

Birthdays are the worst.

Everything is the worst at sixteen, my God.

I've grown if just a little bit. I'm more aware. Agonizingly aware. I'm aware I spent my life fighting my family over little things that never mattered. Every time we fought, it was over something petty. Now I'm almost in college. Things could've been much different.

I'm afraid I'll be like this to my friends too. What if I'm just pretending to be decent? My personality, the way I am I feel has always been too immature even for my age.

TDLR: I've had lots of fights with my family and I'm probably the instigator of 90% of them but i'm still confused about whether I'm a bad person, and how people view this...

This weekend we are holding my grandpa's funeral services. He passed a few months ago, but since our family is very spread out and traveling to our home village is difficult and expensive, we put the services out so everyone had time to plan for it.

There I will be seeing two close family members that I have gone no contact with. One is my older brother, the other is my cousin.

The reason I've gone no contact with my cousin is because he was dating a woman who attempted to kill us. She was beating him senseless outside my apartment, I attempted to protect him, she started bashing my head repeatedly and then got into her car and crashed it into the stairwell where him and I had been standing seconds before the impact. When he later spoke to police (a neighbor had called them because of the commotion) he tried to protect her and told the police that her and I had been fighting. I was pissed and cut off ties with him.

The reason I am no contact with my older brother is because I believe he is a clinical narcissist. He often makes passive aggressive digs and then plays innocent, mature, holier than thou when you address what he's said. His favorite defense is "it's your choice to be offended". He doesn't take well to boundaries and takes what should be a calm conversation and blows it into a full blown argument. It's impossible to have a conversation with him unless you're agreeing with him. I just don't feel comfortable or safe having a relationship with him because he always makes me feel so small and conversations with him feel like walking on eggshells.

I'm extremely nervous about seeing them this weekend. I'm going to do my best to keep interactions to a minimum, but there are so many family obligations while we're there, that I think that will be difficult.