u/cleoopatraaaaa

I just need to vent and hear some outside opinions because this has been bothering me.

My sister's husband is extremely close to me. I genuinely see him as a brother. But that relationship didn't happen just because he married my sister. My sister and him have been together for more than 10 years, so I've literally known him since I was a child. I've watched him grow, talked to him for years, and slowly built a relationship with him.

Over time, he became someone I completely trust. He's someone I can talk to about basically anything without feeling judged. If something seriously went wrong, he'd probably be one of the first people I'd call. And I know that if I tell him something personal, he won't automatically go and tell my sister unless there's a reason to or I want her to know. The same goes the other way. There is a level of emotional safety and mutual trust there.

My relationship with my brother's wife is completely different.

I don't hate her. I actually love her and consider her family. But we haven't developed that same emotional relationship. We haven't spent years getting to know each other in the way I have with my brother-in-law. I don't feel comfortable telling her everything that's in my head, partly because I feel like she judges me sometimes and partly because I don't have the same confidence that something I tell her will stay between us.

My brother keeps telling me that I should "treat her like a sister" and trust her like family.

But that's where I struggle.

I am treating her like family. I'm respectful, caring, and I don't have any hatred toward her. But I don't think emotional trust automatically comes with a family title. My brother-in-law didn't become someone I could confide in overnight because he married my sister. That trust was built over YEARS through conversations, compassion, consistency, and simply being there.

So why would I automatically have the exact same emotional connection with my sister-in-law?

And honestly, I think this applies to my brother too. If I tell my brother something personal, he will usually tell his wife. I understand that they're married and couples naturally share things with each other. I'm not asking him to hide his entire life from his wife. But if I tell him something about myself privately, I don't necessarily want that information to become something she knows too.

Because of that, I've naturally become more careful about what I tell him.

And then I'm told I'm not treating her like family because I'm not emotionally open with her.

But isn't that backwards?

If you want emotional closeness with someone, shouldn't that relationship be built naturally? Shouldn't both people put in effort to make each other feel comfortable and safe?

I don't expect her to trust me with everything simply because I'm her husband's sibling. So why should I be expected to trust her with everything simply because she's my brother's wife?

I don't think she's a bad person. I don't think I'm better than her. I don't even necessarily want things to stay this way forever. Maybe we'll become closer with time.

I just don't think you can demand emotional intimacy from someone and expect it to appear because "we're family."

Am I being unreasonable here? Or is my brother expecting a level of closeness that can't really be forced?

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I just need to vent and hear some outside opinions because this has been bothering me.

My sister's husband is extremely close to me. I genuinely see him as a brother. But that relationship didn't happen just because he married my sister. My sister and him have been together for more than 10 years, so I've literally known him since I was a child. I've watched him grow, talked to him for years, and slowly built a relationship with him.

Over time, he became someone I completely trust. He's someone I can talk to about basically anything without feeling judged. If something seriously went wrong, he'd probably be one of the first people I'd call. And I know that if I tell him something personal, he won't automatically go and tell my sister unless there's a reason to or I want her to know. The same goes the other way. There is a level of emotional safety and mutual trust there.

My relationship with my brother's wife is completely different.

I don't hate her. I actually love her and consider her family. But we haven't developed that same emotional relationship. We haven't spent years getting to know each other in the way I have with my brother-in-law. I don't feel comfortable telling her everything that's in my head, partly because I feel like she judges me sometimes and partly because I don't have the same confidence that something I tell her will stay between us.

My brother keeps telling me that I should "treat her like a sister" and trust her like family.

But that's where I struggle.

I am treating her like family. I'm respectful, caring, and I don't have any hatred toward her. But I don't think emotional trust automatically comes with a family title. My brother-in-law didn't become someone I could confide in overnight because he married my sister. That trust was built over YEARS through conversations, compassion, consistency, and simply being there.

So why would I automatically have the exact same emotional connection with my sister-in-law?

And honestly, I think this applies to my brother too. If I tell my brother something personal, he will usually tell his wife. I understand that they're married and couples naturally share things with each other. I'm not asking him to hide his entire life from his wife. But if I tell him something about myself privately, I don't necessarily want that information to become something she knows too.

Because of that, I've naturally become more careful about what I tell him.

And then I'm told I'm not treating her like family because I'm not emotionally open with her.

But isn't that backwards?

If you want emotional closeness with someone, shouldn't that relationship be built naturally? Shouldn't both people put in effort to make each other feel comfortable and safe?

I don't expect her to trust me with everything simply because I'm her husband's sibling. So why should I be expected to trust her with everything simply because she's my brother's wife?

I don't think she's a bad person. I don't think I'm better than her. I don't even necessarily want things to stay this way forever. Maybe we'll become closer with time.

I just don't think you can demand emotional intimacy from someone and expect it to appear because "we're family."

Am I being unreasonable here? Or is my brother expecting a level of closeness that can't really be forced?