Trigger warning: SA.

(long-story short**: I get mortally triggered at news of SA especially when a group of teenage males assault a teenage girl and they are legally absolved. I discovered a part that is deeply ashamed of femaleness and female sexuality, and hating and fearful towards the masculine. I am unable to process**)

Full story:

I am a 31 year old female with a significant history of complex trauma and abuse (emotional abuse/physical abuse/very severe emotional neglect/several disabilities from abuse/severe avoidant attachment/intense limerence). I have been in trauma therapy since around 5 years back and I progressed ALOT. I am doing EMDR and somatic therapy mainly, and now I am stuck at an overwhelming part.

Due to severe avoidance I have never been in a relationship, i am a straight woman from a conservative culture and I consider myself a proud feminist and kind of a man hater. I recently discovered intense fear and hatred and anger towards the masculine in general, to the point that it often keeps me up at night.

Trigger warning: SA against minors- skip this paragraph if you are sensitive. SOMETHING THAT TRIGGERED ME TO THE POINT OF WANTING TO OFF MYSELF: News about sexual assault trigger the shit out of me. especially: gang rape, especially rape against a teenage girl. i recently came across several incidents (in movies and in news) where this happened; a teenage girl would be raped and humiliated and filmed by teen male “friends”, and the rapists were legally absolved because they were minors themselves and there was not enough evidence that it was non-consensual. To make it worse, The males’ lawyers (or the JUDGE) would defend them by saying that the victim “enjoyed” it but later pressed charges because she was shamed for being a “slut”. The news piece had graphic and deep details of the incident because it was filmed. The absolving of the rapists and the further slut-shaming of the female victims in the courts (these are several stories not one) DROVE MY INTO SUICIDAL RAGE AND I AM PERMANENTLY TRIGGERED.

When I later dug deeper into this using EMDR and somatic practices I noticed intense shame toward femaleness as a whole and particularly female sexuality. While i am a proud feminist, I was surprised that a Part of me sees femaleness as inherently inferior and weak and thus inviting of male punishment, and straight sex and female enjoyment as inherently humiliating against the female. I have deep hatred and fear towards the masculine to the point of wishing them complete annihilation. I know part of it is cultural, but another part of it is a deeply traumatized part.

Background info: while I was never directly sexually assaulted, my dad was severely physically and emotionally abusive and I had no other male role models.
I was severely beaten by my dad at age 6 —to the point I thought I was dying of fear and actually wished to die— because I said sexual things infront of my adult cousins (I wanted to make them laugh and did not understand what I was saying). After my dad severely beat and scared and shamed the shit out of me and my mother not intervening, she went in to “soothe” me by being loving but also defending my dad and further shaming me because I said things that were “shameful”.

In my teenage years I had selective mutism and severe social anxiety and my school environment was extremely slut-shaming while males enjoyed being sexually curious and callous and demeaning towards girls without being shamed. My parents never helped me with my mental health issues because they saw them as my fault.

I am trying to sit with my ashamed part and let it move through me; I cried so hard in several sessions and even had full body tension-releasing tremors because it was that tense. I now realize that this part is trying to protect me because it equates female sexuality to danger of social ostratization and even DEATH. But the feeling still won’t be integrated and my core female shame runs extremely deep.
This part feels extremely helpless and really believes the shameful story.

If you read that far thanks alot.

Again: MISOGYNISTIC OR ANY ANTI-WOMAN SENTIMENTS ARE NOT WELCOME AND WILL BE REPORTED

عندي التهابات متكررة في اوتار القدم و ابي طبيب شاطر حسب تجاربكم

I am no stranger to somatic work and EMDR since years and I have experienced symptoms such as Traumatic Release Tremors…usually after a considerable time in my session…

however recently I started to experience SHIVERING whenever I practice the simple activity of sitting and paying attention to my body…not continuous shivers but these sets of single shivers when your body starts getting a bit cold, as soon as I start my practice/meditation.

This is probably within normal reaction but I would like to know about your experiences and how to make sense of it.

مع اني اعتني بأسناني عدل و قبل شهرين سويت تنظيف عند الدكتور لكن لاحظت تسلل خط من الجير باتجاه ضروسي الامامية مع اني افرش كل يوم عدل 😵‍💫 شكلي لازم اغير ادوات الاسنان. أفيدونا بتجاربكم و نصائحكم و اكون لكم من الشاكرين.

Following the news and even from personal experience it’s not secret that a substantial amount of males behave in very harmful ways; even “benign” men seem to secretly enjoy it (ie graphic porn (teen/rape/incest/humiliating etc) being constantly among the most sought-after porn categories).

I know it’s “not all men”, some men are truly moral. But looking at male behavioral patterns there obviously is a common SHADOW element that men deal with very differently.

This is not an attack against men nor a denial of the negative aspects of the female shadow…it’s just that as a female I am finding it very difficult to wrap my head around and accept the existence of the male shadow, it literally terrifies me so much and keeps me up at night. I am afraid of men with every fiber of my being.

Jungian psychology makes so much sense to me so I would like to have some enlightenment from fellow men (& women) on how they deal with their male shadow and how I should approach the issue.