r/CPTSDNextSteps

Breaking Free from the Fawn Response

How I broke free from the CPTSD fawn response:

It started with asking myself a very blunt question: "What is it I'm actually afraid of here?"

And my answer was: violence. The violence that any sign of individuality or boundaries was met with when I was a child.

As a child, I couldn't protect myself, especially when the perpetrators were my own family. I had to try to appease them in order to still have a bed to sleep in and food to eat. That defense was still playing out in my adult life.

So I asked that question, and then I asked another: "What resources do I have access to now that I didn't have then?"

And the answer was: my friends, the police, my own money, my own food, etc. And then I took in the fact that the parameters have changed. I'm no longer a child who has to appease others to survive. I am in control of my own survival, and if anyone were to use violence against me, I have things I can do.

Being isolated from groups who treat me badly no longer carries the same consequences or threats to my survival that it did as a child.

And once I really took that all in, I decided I would be the parent and protector of myself that I had needed back then, because I now have the ability to do so.

It's been life-changing, honestly.

I still over-explain or answer too honestly sometimes, but now I see those things as habits that no longer serve me, and I'm doing pretty well at breaking them.

Anyway, I hope this helps someone the way it helped me. ❤️

I am going to work through something by writing about the insight it brought me; trying hard not to make this sound too journal-y for /r/CPTSDNextSteps.

I withstood some difficult news today from a medical caregiver for my spouse, who is denying a treatment we obviously need because of their own hesitation and severe emotional response (it's near the end of a long, difficult saga). They just can't handle the possibility that this last thing might not work.

They called me and explained a position that simply isn't rational. Going into detail would take paragraphs; suffice to say that they would not hear plain reason. They don't want it, because it's the emotions in the background they can't handle.

The result is that I've been dragged straight back to arguing with my mother. She is a never-wrong, always-good rationalizer and denier, and she will argue for hours to keep what in her mind is the high ground. I felt this trigger flare maximally while talking to this doctor. I kept my cool remarkably well throughout the conversation (10 years of recovery work will do that!!, but I've had a very tough time getting back to a level head afterwards, and an important piece fell into place that makes this difficulty make sense.

When your parent is a denial specialist, every conclusion is the final one, no matter how wrong or right. The moment the information aligns in a way that soothes them, they will declare victory and never waver. It's not just that they'll gaslight you or minimize you or what have you; it's that whatever idea they concoct is permanent.

I have always known that my mother is why I deliver news so carefully, and why I explain things in a very particular order that keeps the other person from getting the wrong idea and getting upset. I could've easily told you that I was just afraid she'd get mad at me. But the real fear I'm having today isn't about the doctor I talked to; it's a visceral, full-body fear that my wife will never get the care she needs, and that our family will be stuck like this. I'm not just afraid to "poke the bear". I'm afraid of a judge's decision to convict and sentence. It's one decision with unending negative consequences.

That "unending" element is especially telling because it's a sign of arrested development. It's all-or-nothing thinking, characteristic of many of my traumatized parts. That medical care I feel gated from, we're actually just shortly delayed in receiving; there will be ways around this. But to the child-parts of me still working through what it was like to live with my mother, it's a permanent state of being, an unending prison I will never escape, no matter how much I argue. That has thrown my nervous system into overdrive.

Further, if I can turn a little more compassion their way, I can see that what's happening here is that this doctor has reached the end of their strength. You can't argue someone into being stronger than they are. That's a hopeless endeavor, as it was when pleading with my mother to be rational all those years ago.

I was relieved to realize all of this. Like physically, at first, but after some time I'm also feeling intellectually relieved that I know this about myself, that these conversations will be easier in the future. Now I can distinguish a life sentence from a pause. So that's something.

Thanks for reading.

Reposting my own post from the main CPTSD subreddit: Since talk therapy (CBT) had failed me repeatedly and then I tried EMDR and somatic healing, I believed that these were the holy grail and only path for healing. (it works amazingly but there is more)

I started EMDR in late 2020 and continue to this day. It had helped me IMMENSELY, along with somatic work and IFS, and I processed so much. However, despite all these years of intensive feeling and processing, I still felt trapped in C-PTSD and all form of coping responses. I still felt so stuck in all aspects of life I was still in immense pain.

My EMDR therapist is amazing, however, she is a foreigner and from a different culture, and we both communicate in our second language. The processing part is good, but I did not "click" with her in the talking part. I did not feel anything when we talked about my day-to-day struggles and did not feel completely understood. Her insights and validation did not resonate, mainly due to the cultural barrier. (I have to repeat I like her alot and we have a great connection but something was missing)

Then the unexpected happened: I then decided to hire an additional therapist from my own culture and age bracket, just to vent and to have more of a "best-friend" experience and day-to-day guidance with someone who would actually understand what I had been though, both from a cultural and professional standpoint. And WOW!! What was supposed to be just a simple "venting" and "guidance" space turned out to be such a crucial part of healing!!

With approval from my first therapist, I chose my second therapist because she was from my culture, age, we spoke the same language, same religion, and she seemed more specialized in women's day-to-day struggles than deep trauma work. So it was going to be a light-hearted trip. Just what I wanted. In addition to that, her main mode was Client-focused PSYCHODYNAMIC THERAPY, she was very trauma-informed, AND she was well-versed in IFS and psychology from our own spiritual tradition. Being client focused meant that the client led the session. Absolutely perfect fit!

My experience with psychodynamic therapy**:** I discovered how deprived us C-PTSD folks actually are from safe human connection, I realized never even knew what that was. Simply having a safe space to speak our fears, shames, sorrows, concerns, without having the other person (well-meaningly) minimize our experiences or trying to fix our feelings, and feeling COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD and having your thoughts reiterated in a deeper language; and have your feelings, insights and experiences lovingly validated and empathized with. I never had that in all my 35 years of life, even in therapy. It was very life-altering to experience.

The therapuetic process was harder than I thought because speaking in the same language mad me feel more RAW. Speaking in a foreign language creates a protective barrier that shields you from the human connection required for healing. Also, I never understood how C-PTSD can cause PROFOUND SPIRITUAL INJURY, and how healing the incorporation of spiritual elements (from your own spiritual tradition) and the reconnection with the spiritual can be.

I will continue with EMDR but at a much slower frequency. I REALIZED THAT BECUASE I WAS SO UNDERRESOURCED, excessive EMDR may have been retraumatizing me because I was going at a very intensive pace due to my overwhelm by survival mode.

I am also incorporated PHYSICAL HEALING by working with a functional medicine practitioner and trying to heal my absoluteLy fried stress responses and hormones.

I apologize for the long post and if you have reached this far: thank you and I wish you all the best on your healing path 💜💜💜

I've realized mornings are the worst for me, constant flashbacks and suddenly tiredness. I noticed such a profound difference from just taking 10 minutes out to do breath work, whether japa meditation or guided meditation (Headspace).

It's like lowering the volume button on my brain. Apparently shallow breathing is a very common symptom of being in survival mode. It feels liberating to be able to target a main symptom so directly.

Everytime I feel myself sliding back into shallow breathing, flashbacks, rumination, i just focus on a sharp inhale and deep exhale and bam, feeling better already. It's amazing how quick and effective if is from just 10 minutes.

It's been foundational for me and i don't think i could do other recovery without first practicing this

Hi everyone !

Do you have good YouTube channel about CPTSD recovery (with a body based approach) to recommend ?

If there are some French speakers here i strongly recommend Sandra Lacombe's channel. It is quite incredible !