u/Odyessius

Right out of college, in 2022, I joined a hedge fund as a contractor. I would be working in the DEI team with 2 other managers.

Since it was such an isolated team, I had no frame of reference and I didn't think much of their behavior. Looking back, I can see the red flags like moving goal posts, middle school bully tactics, constant hypocrisy, even the way they spoke.

About a year into the job, my direct manager pulled me aside and told me I was probably autistic and might want to get tested. Her reasoning was sometimes i was productive and sometimes i wasn't. Ok?? I was ok till this point till she told me she had already discussed it with our skip manager and another person out of the team... Wtf? I just thanked her and avoided the conversation about what a massive violation of privacy and how inappropriate that was.

Clearly, they both knew i was most likely autistic and had discussed it.

But less than a year later, both my managers left. One on sabbatical and one on maternity leave. At the same time. Leaving me alone to work under new leadership, dumping the equivalent of one year of work the whole team would do, for me to do solo in six months.

On its own this is an impossible setup. The worst part was how I had to report to like 5 different people in this setup, do all the work with no support like events and documents and daily work and random requests for data which no one even checked. It sucked. I worked like 10-12 hour days. Somehow I made it 6 months.

Then my team came back... And gave me two weeks notice. They told me there wasn't a need for my role anymore... Even though a few months later I got a LinkedIn message of someone asking me tips for the interview process for the contractor role in the dei team.

I've tried to keep it short. But tons of completely inappropriate workplace behavior, immense emotional disregulation from my direct manager, psychopathic sadistic behavior from my skip level, and constantly being scapegoated for literally everything. I did all this extra work for no bonus, compensation, nothing. I was expecting the dei team to backstab me.

Even till the very last week, even after i got my notice period, my unstable direct manager was hounding me constantly so i would make process documents. Since she didn't know exactly how the work went. I literally had to yell at her to stop and finally she backed off.

This experience shut off my nervous system. I haven't participated in society since. I grew up with an abusive family, and to go from that to this for a first job? Impossible. It feels impossible to recover from. Twice now, people meant to protect and guide me took advantage of me. I can't imagine ever recovering from this.

Edit: didn't realize I had to specify on the autism sub, but yes I'm actually autistic. Didn't know before the job, found out afterwards. I was tested at 15, but my parents ignored and buried the report and refused to acknowledge it.

I've realized mornings are the worst for me, constant flashbacks and suddenly tiredness. I noticed such a profound difference from just taking 10 minutes out to do breath work, whether japa meditation or guided meditation (Headspace).

It's like lowering the volume button on my brain. Apparently shallow breathing is a very common symptom of being in survival mode. It feels liberating to be able to target a main symptom so directly.

Everytime I feel myself sliding back into shallow breathing, flashbacks, rumination, i just focus on a sharp inhale and deep exhale and bam, feeling better already. It's amazing how quick and effective if is from just 10 minutes.

It's been foundational for me and i don't think i could do other recovery without first practicing this

It goes beyond being learned helplessness. It's like a psychological scar and my brain has numbed itself out to protect itself.

My mom hid the nails and hammer when I wanted to put up a clock. This was two years ago and I didn't think much of it. But her behavior was so disgusting and awful afterwards, I went no contact last year.

Recently I keep having memories of how in my childhood she would snatch things out of my hands like an onion so I couldn't chop it. She would refuse to let me take cabs anywhere and insist to drop me and pick me up. Late every single time. As a 13 year old I would be roaming streets late at night waiting for a pick up, and then she would come and yell at me how I should be grateful.

Hundreds of stories like this, some very traumatic, some bordering on sexual abuse. Constant mockery, making fun of me, laughing at my pain, telling me and others how I'm not capable of anything, etc.

Is there really recover from this? I was the youngest in my family, I'm autistic too. My mom's behavior makes me think malignant narcissism, while my dad is positively a psychopath (ASPD). So he would never help, he would laugh and find it amusing and enable it too. Then my older brother who would hit me and bully me to take out his frustration. We had to shift around a lot due to my dad's job, so these were the only constant people in my life.

Going no contact has helped, but it genuinely feels impossible to recover from, I feel like I have permanent brain damage from 20+ years of this type of upbringing.

Hello, I'm 28 and recovering from severe burnout and ptsd. It's nice to finally just stay at my home and rest and recover.

It's getting close to two years of rest and it can get boring, my mind ruminates, especially since i live alone. Here's how I pass the time

- Deep games: Project Zomboid, Terraria, stardew valley, even efootball since you build your team. Low stakes but exciting and deep worlds i can get lost in

- Chill shows: like Brooklyn 99, or Friends, it's always Sunny in Philadelphia. Youtube is too clickbaity and filled with bots, but shorts and reddit are great brainrot timepass.

- Plants: low maintenance plants are nice, like aloe vera, mint, holy basil. They keep you grounded and you can use them!

- Comics: free ones on Kindle like the spiderman collection, where's waldo is great grounding, recovery books. Haven't enjoyed any fiction novels recently.

- Meditation: truly helpful. Life changing. Guided or japa.

I feel physically weak so I've stopped yoga and working out. I also tried paint by numbers and jigsaw puzzles, while they're fun they're not for me.

Cooking can be great, it's grounding and relaxing but also tiring at times. Other than that personalizing my room has also been nice with soft lighting and gadgets.

I rely on medical THC, so that helps as well. Any other ways I can make the most of my self induced convalescence? Thanks!

I'm not sure how else to phrase it... it seems like a major misstep in evolution, biology, or whatever you want to call it.

When the only people in your life who are literally meant to look after you end up neglecting you and laughing at your pain, and going out of their way to create situations where you will be helpless.... then wtf?

I don't get it. My parents got off on removing my autonomy, mocking me, laughing at my pain. As a child I ran to my dad crying that no one loved me. He started laughing and this incident became a long running joke in my family, because they think it's funny for some reason.

I'm wired to look for logic and I get it, there is none here. But something just feels so horrifically wrong about it and no one else seems to understand this type of pain irl.

I'm tired of replaying bad memories in my head, but I also can't stop because it's so nonsensical and sadistic, I'm genuinely shocked I'm still alive after all this. I'm 28 now, and I feel like this has ruined my life permanently and I'm not able to see a positive outcome in my life anymore, it all feels hopeless and it all stems from here.

Now i understand brand recognition, wanting the name to stick in any way and stand out. But the way it's done? Wtf?

I've literally never seen an ad and wanted to buy the product. The ad is never relevant to what I want to know.

Chocolate ads on tv are just people biting into chocolates and smiling... Ok? Can you tell me about the sourcing or ingredients instead?

Vehicle ads are all the same, very uncreative. When I see a silly ad, i cringe at the fact this is one of the biggest industries in the world. Cushy jobs and huge salaries... For something college students make on Canva in their first graphic design class. Like huh?

I know there's a specific science like ctr, analytics, reach, timings all that. But when i see an AI generated ad on Reddit? Oh my god. Pure tomfoolery.

I wouldn't even mind if I wasn't being inundated 24/7 with crappy ads. I guess they're going for maximum reach instead of impact, but man it gets so annoying after a while!

Most of us find out we're AUDHD not through an early diagnosis but due to an overwhelm with life, usually work that leads to severe burnout.

Having an invisible disability is something else, man. The toughest thing for me is managing emotions! Especially with trauma completely dysregulating my baseline. Most people just see someone immature or unstable, not realizing it feels like literal physical pain.

Not being able to start on things, not being able to switch tasks, feeling exhausted from socializing? I mean that's every element of a job, jeez!

My autistic part is also very trusting and naive, I'm a target for exploitation and being taken advantage of, I'm sure you can relate, so we end up with anxiety and depression too.

I'm glad to learn that medication helps people. But finding out after losing my job brutally and having to run through life without knowing for almost 30 years is... soul crushing. I know I can get on meds now and continue my life, find a new job, but having gone through so much suffering is... destabilizing. Genuinely. I think even a NT person having lived like this would end up with similar symptoms and ennui.

And if anyone can relate being AUDHD and also having abusive childhood, ooph. Good luck feeling safe or not ruminating on life, it's basically impossible. I'm getting better at it, but damn!

I keep ruminating on how my emotional outbursts and lack of executive function has been misunderstood to paint me as a bad person, that really sucks!

I'm not able to get over it. Its been years.
They would literally laugh at me when i was crying.

Even outside on outings, my dad would tell me to smile with a sick grin, when i was clearly visibly depressed, and be would repeatedly keep telling me to smile for photos. I would tell him, beg and plead for something, but he kept telling me to smile. Pretty sure he was a psychopath, literally.

I would be complaining, crying, in very obvious pain, and my parents thought it was funny. They would make jokes about me to each other.

I'm turning 28 now. I feel brain damaged. Its just the tip of the iceberg. They ruined my brain chemistry so severely. I'm autisic. Growing up there was hell on earth. Hard to imagine recovery despite medication or EMDR or whatever.

The worst part of CPTSD, is not the past damage, but knowing how it fucked up your life going forward. I feel like a like a crater of a human being. Fuck my life.

People are continuously rude, passive-aggressive, and downright mean to us. School, work, family, whatever.

But the second we turn around and give it back... we're the problem? We matched your energy and now you're offended? What... don't you see the hypocrisy with that?
And they won't even confront you. They'll just go behind your back, use this example of you defending yourself as the reason why you're toxic, untrustworthy, rude or whatever.

I'm fucking befuddled. If not defending myself leads to people taking advantage of me, and defending myself leads to people acting like I shot their dog and being ostracized, what... am I supposed to do exactly?

It's sooo exhausting. I get it, different nuances for different places. Work, family, friends, online all have their working rules. But it's so frustrating and exhausting, either being a target or a toxic villain. It feels like a lose-lose situation.

I've found success leaving toxic environments, cutting of bad people. But man... it's just so annoying when we're being attacked, no one gives a fuck. But when we defend ourselves, we're seen as crazy.

UGH. I DON'T GET IT *explodes*

Man... Feeling embarrassed all the time sucks. I prefer to avoid medication, but when I'm in a good mood I can see how guilt and toxic shame and long term feelings of worthlessness / incompatibility with the world hold me back in life.

Currently, I rely on medical THC. When I feel good, it's like a weight of my chest. I literally feel lighter, it's easier to breathe. I don't feel tight and contracted. I feel relaxed.

But of course, I can't be high all the time lol. I try to use my internal voice and give myself grace, how I'm audhd and misunderstandings happen. Having reacted badly or inappropriately in the past isn't the end of the world, even if it feels that way sometimes. But it's a tough battle and I end up ruminating on it 24/7.

Anything else that helps you with RSD and shame?

After a crazy life, at the age of 26 I found out I'm AUDHD. Which wasn't a huge surprise, I've always known I was different. And I've struggled so much with task initiation my whole life.

I've been in extremely severe autistic burnout for the past two years after working at a very toxic hedge fund (in DEI of all places lol), and I'm just starting to feel normal again. I'll turn 28 soon this year.

I researched advice and tips but I don't find anything too useful. It's just - use visual timers, externalize reminders, break things into small tasks... like ok? These are productivity hacks.

My entire life, I've either been painted a villain, a dummy, or simply been taken advantage of. I guess instead of productivity, I'm looking for acceptance of who I am.

I know I didn't deserve those things. I shouldn't have been forced to run alongside everyone while my disability was ignored. It's been like running a race with a broken leg and people just keep telling you to try harder. So silly.

But I'm just not sure what to do going forward. I feel like I've just been told "Hey, life is twice is hard for you than the average person. We see you're completely burnt out, and it's unfair that you had to go through so much without knowing. Anyways, good luck!". Like what? Lol.

Here are a few small things that helped me, but please tell me what you did after finding out about your AUDHD

• Made my room into a cocoon: Low lighting, scented candles, potpourri, posters, cool gadgets and books. Accepting without guilt that "going out" is not my default and I don't need to guilt or push myself to do so!
• Very slowly learned to give myself permission to do nothing and try to relax, much easier said than done!
• Got on medical THC which helped a lot with anxiety and cPTSD and sensory issues
• Give myself grace for needing long rest periods and accepting that I'm disabled, it's not the end of the world
• Cut off exploitative/abusive people, friends and family members
• Lean into hobbies like books, games, shows without guilt
• Work on my internal voice to reduce toxic shame

But I still feel... hollowed out on the inside. Like life has been unfair and once again the responsibility to fix it and internalize it falls on me, while I'm being sabotaged by family and friends. Maybe it's grief or sadness, but I'm not really sure what the next step is meant to be... got any ideas?

There is an invisible tax for being autistic. My burnout and exhaustion aren't caused directly by just autism itself, but because I'm constantly targeted for being different.

My entire life I've been at an unfair disadvantage. I'm trusting, I take things literally, I don't play weird social games or politics - And this attracts a lot of parasites and vultures. A lot. Friends, work, even family.

Whether it's a boss misunderstanding my autistic misdemeanor, or friends realizing I'll go above and beyond for them so they take advantage of me. Getting bullied in school or being treated like a threat by strangers just due to my body language.

So adulthood, childhood, and work too, all pillars of a life are corrupted.

I've been thinking a lot about this... My tendency to isolate, to be a misanthrope, to be so exhausted and avoidant of leaving my house. It all kind of... makes sense. It's not really an overreaction from me, it's like the most normal outcome that could happen. I'm in a system where I attract bad people, they exploit me till I'm empty, and I suffer catastrophic burnout. Repeat every few years.

Now that I'm older and smarter (lessons learned through a lot of pain), I can see that's it's not a personal failing. Life has been absurdly cruel and unfair. Neurotypical people don't get targeted like we do. We're a vulnerable population. Having abusive parents or a chaotic upbringing makes it so so much worse, and it made me susceptible to being taken advantage of. And now I feel such a deep existential exhaustion, it's like my cells are protesting against any output of any kind.

We're just meant to get "stronger" and deal with it, when everyday we are taxed for just existing. Since most of us are set up to fail, by the time we realize we need to cut off bad people and environments, the damage is usually done. It really blows. I don't think this is autistic burnout speaking, I think it's the lifetime of being taken advantage of and being a punching bag for others, that the nervous system finally snaps in half and refuses to do anything anymore.

I hope I feel better in life eventually. But for now, man... I'm spent.

I won't mention countries because it's not the point of this post. I wonder if there are more people with stories like mine, and what helped you.

I grew up in very nice environments without realizing it. Even though I was bullied for being autistic and treated poorly by authority figures at school, systems still worked how they were meant to function. Effort = reward.

After highschool, due to family pressure I moved back to my home country for college. I got through college, I got my first job, i made a few friends. I was very open minded and accepting of the cultural differences and why things were the way they were here. However, i was taken advantage of due to my autism at work, home, college, and everyday life.

People were literally proud of themselves for scamming and exploiting me.

I'm 27 now. Only diagnosed last year with AUDHD, after I lost my job over a setup, lost my friends because i realized they were exploiting me, and pushed my parents away because it turns out they're very abusive. I lost all pillars in the span of like 3 months. I've completely isolated myself since then, and live only with my cat and plants.

And i can see how horrible this enviornment is for me. The way people casually lie 24/7, from colleagues to police clerks. Nothing works without a bribe. People will happily throw you under the bus with 0 hesitation to avoid accountability. It's such an aggravating place to live.

It's a special type of pain. To see the world and see how proper systems work, how society is meant to function. And after living in it, coming back to a place where nothing works, it's constant sensory overload and an intellectually dishonest culture. But worst of all the dog eat dog attitude everyone has and the lack of... collective good. It's very tough man. The autistic heightened sense of justice causes me so much grief on a daily basis. I understand poverty, systemic issues, but getting exploited and abused by literally everyone from family to friends to work to society is a mindfuck, and honestly very damaging for mental health. Nobody understands autism here, even the mental health professionals I saw.

How do you deal with it? I can't be the only one with a story like this.

Man. Ooph. My life story is too long to get into. But to keep it brief. I moved back to my home country after constant shifting. I got a first job at a hedge fund. At this job, I was scapegoated, set up to fail, and dehumanized on a daily basis.

Once they ended my contract, I realized I had been exploited for my labor (Solo carrying an entire department for 6 months), but also treated like a punching bag by everyone around me. I realized my team threw me under the bus for their own convenience. This was 2 years ago, and I still haven't recovered from it. I haven't worked since then either. I still think about it on a daily basis. How I did everything I was meant to and got punished for it instead...

Now just yesterday, a fridge repair / technician scammed me for 360% of the bill.

I filed a complaint and expect a refund for the fridge scam. But the job I lost. The life I have been robbed of over and over again? The fact my parents never bothered supporting me and I've had to blindly go through life. How do I even... process this? Integrate this? I've read the body keeps the score and now I'm reading pete walker's book. I've done some therapy and psychiatry. I've tried EMDR which is not bad.

But overall, I'm just genuinely exhausted of constantly being on guard and being targeted over and over and over again. I feel completely fried. It makes doing anything feel useless because I'm constantly punished for nothing. Effort doesn't equal reward in my life. Since I constantly shifted growing up, I don't have roots or old friends to rely on either.

Oh you have autistic body language at our office? Goodbye, prepare to be brutalized. Oh you booked a fridge repair? Get ready to be scammed. Like wtf?

It's been a very exhausting life. I actually love my analytical brain and high sense of justice. But when I get exploited and set up to fail by everyone around me, including parents and managers and people meant to guide me... damn bro what do I even say? Do you have any advice that helped you with similar feelings because I feel a deep existential exhaustion I can't get rid of.

Yes the official technician the company sends. I filled out the form online for repairs on their real website, as my fridge had stopped working.

He came and quoted 3700 for repairs. I said ok. He came with the compressor replacement the next day with another fellow and installed it.

If he was a local tech, I wouldn't pay a penny before seeing the invoice or bill. But since it was the original LG guys I didn't think much of it, paid him his quotation after installation, and he went on his day after saying I'd get the bill/invoice this evening.

This evening the bill comes over text, and it's just 800!!!! Wtf.

How dumb is this guy? Did he think i would not realize I got scammed and wouldn't complain to the company? He's most likely going to lose his job over this.

I called him and he played dumb. I've submitted a complaint to the LG just now and they promise to call me back in 24 hours. I was very surprised he scammed me since last time LG sent techs they were very professional. Didn't expect this.

Is there more action I can take?

Edit: I got my money back. Tech called me again this morning. I confronted him again and told him to pay the money back and he did. I had filed a complaint yesterday so maybe that worked. But wow, what a waste of my time. Scummy behavior.