I get that we’ll never be fully healed and perfect, but has anyone unburdened a part that had a major role in some unhealthy coping mechanisms?
Just looking for encouragement to keep going because the journey is LONG.
I started seeing an IFS therapist last month and have since learned I’ve been severely iron deficient (low ferritin, not anemia) for many years, possibly over a decade. From what I’ve learned, the lack of iron can impact you significantly on a cognitive level. I’ve since received some iron infusions and am just trying to take it easy and heal while my body is taking in the iron.
Some of the fatigue I had been feeling for years has lifted which is great but the memory issues, irritability, anhedonia, derealization, anxiety, etc are still pretty much the same and even I would say anhedonia and irritability got worse. I am diagnosed with ADHD, major depression and anxiety which low ferritin just exacerbated all of those symptoms. Plus, my medications (Vyvanse, Wellbutrin, Zoloft and Intuiv) have not been working well due to the lack of iron necessary for neurotransmitters.
It’s been hard to regulate emotionally. I feel like my window of tolerance for anything my nervous system perceives as threatening or overwhelming is 🤏🏻 big. My unmanaged ADHD symptoms have greatly affected my relationship with my partner. After my last IFS session, my partner and I have argued almost daily. My therapist said this was to be expected because attachment wounding was triggered and hasn’t worked through my body yet. I’m just wondering if it’s not the best time to fully dive into IFS while I’m still in the middle of recovering from iron deficiency. My partner and I live together and I don’t want my protectors to constantly feel activated now around them. I just am feeling a lot of grief. I was very much looking forward to IFS but am thinking maybe I need to set it down for now.
TLDR: Protectors are more activated causing more tension and arguments with my partner while I’m also recovering from a health issue and am wondering if I should wait until I’m feeling better to resume IFS.
I’ve been in therapy for 15 years on and off mostly on, and nothing really helps ME. It helps how I’m seen in society and frankly I don’t care. IFS therapy sounded perfect for what I am trying to achieve.
I shared this in a fb group and someone said they don’t think it’s a good idea. They suggested either in patient care or not doing it at all because I have a child who “shouldn’t have to see me like that” while I process the sessions. But I have no support or help.
Should I really not try at all?
Hello! What are some experiential practices you use with clients in session to help them access core self? I have some ADHD/Autistic clients that need a bit of help grounding into what core self is and feels like. Thank you in advance for any tips 🌞
The auditory stimulation. Seems more like auditory harassment. It's genuinely unbearable and I think I am going to go crazy over this
The world and especially this country is so fucking noisy for absolutely no good reason. The6 don't need to be doing all these sound. There's absolutely no purpose nor benefit for them. These people are just fucking insensitive
I think, if I'm not mistaken, the amount of noise they're doing for no good reason (all the time 24/7 btw) would be illegal in other countries. I really think it should be treated by the law here too.
The type of noise I'm talking about: OBNOXIOUS frequency of using car horns. OBNOXIOUS AND ABSOLUTELY UNBEARABLE. they would use horns like 10 times in 5 seconds. Or they'd press on the horn one time but for an obnoxious length. Like press on it for 7 seconds at a time. And now with how bad this sounds, imagine a whole street filled with vehicles doing that. Including buses and motorcycles. And some cars and vehicles seem to buy horns that are EXTREMELY LOUD that it's inhumane.. and some even have horn that have the sound of police and ambulance sirens. So even louder and more consistent
It fucking kills me to even walk. It's genuinely so excruciating.
These are the things I think should be illegal.
Also, other than that horrendous behaviour above, I also feel very hurt by other noises. That are not universally seen as obnoxious. Such as metro (subway) sounds that are very loud. Or any other noises I don't have a certain criteria for this
Now about how I (and the part of me) actually feels: I feel genuinely like I wanna commit violence and crimes in the street because of this. (DISCLAIMERR before Reddit police comes after me: no I won't actually do crimes but I get urges and violent impulses and imagining it)
I do not imagine myself hurting people tho. The urges I get are ones where I absolutely destroy their vehicle and especially the horn if they use it for no good reason again.
I feel so genuinely sad and in pain that the world doesn't care about how much I'm hurt by this and will continue doing it as if I should be okay with these sounds that are actually physically painful to me.
I am so pained and hurt by the fact that I should be in physical pain whenever I go outside. Even though I want to go outside and I feel good when I spend time outside in nice environments I don't like staying indoors all the time
I hate that even in the less obnoxious environments, everything is so loud and painful to me and I'm so destined to be in pain. Me specifically when I'm outside
Why do I live like this? Why should I live like this?
The pain I'm in is so profound and this post isn't capturing it. I don't wanna be isolated from the world b3cause people are selfish and everything is loud for no reason
Btw, I walk outside with my hands in my ears to try to block the sounds. I used to use ear plugs.. yet the sounds are never really fully blocked. I can still hear the sounds even if they're less loud. Because the problem isn't only loudness but also how there's a million sounds happening at the same time. For no good reason. Or even with a good reason. I still hate that it happens. It's affecting me too greatly
Also even if I cover my ears, it's exhausting to and I can't do it all the time or for long. If I wear ear plugs, even if they're the finest ever, they still feel like there's something in my ear... and i just also like to have my ears open and listen to the sounds around me. It feels good to be able to do so. Yet I can't. So this brings me back to the point of "I should be inherently uncomfortable and not able to experience joy at all when I'm outside (in most places or streets)"
This is really so bad for me that it reaches the point that makes this part of me dissociate
This is a new therapist of mine that I've been trying in hopes of actually making progress in therapy. My past therapists have felt temporarily helpful, but never helped much in the long term.
Today, my therapist seemed to be trying to differentiate different parts of my identity.
The entirety of the session I felt like we weren't accomplishing anything and it was a big waste of time. It felt so abstract and conceptual that I found it hard to grasp what the conversation was even about.
There were multiple moments where he would ask me something and then tell me to visualize it. For example, he asked what my future looked like, to which I replied, "I don't know, its kind of a fog". He said I seemed to have some resistance so I should try to interact with it. I told him that the resistance felt like a void, there was nothing to interact with.
He also seemed to be trying very hard to differentiate different parts of my psyche without asking me about anything about my past. It just kind of felt like he would ask me something, something would come up for me to mention, and he would dissect it into 'parts'.
This felt very abstract and subjective.
He gave me this task at the end of session to go into a cafe or other social setting that I had mentioned prior I had difficulty doing. He said to essentially ignore the part that was guarding me from not going in, and just go in anyway. I felt that didn't make sense at all with all that we abstractly spoke about in therapy.
Like, if the part that is guarding my wounded part from further wounding of social situations, then why would I ignore its signals just to likely get wounded again? Not only that, but that seems like if the part that is guarding actually exists, then ignoring it wouldn't help the system in my eyes, it just further perpetuates trauma of my childhood when I had been ignored.
I'm honestly very skeptical about IFS so far. I always have been pretty skeptical of it, even its remote siblings, such as EMDR. I honestly just don't feel or believe that there are different parts. These 'parts' just feel like different reactions to very specific situations. I don't feel like I'm portraying one of these parts or even some of these parts at a given time. Its just who I am, not some altered state of myself.
I've resigned to keep trying to be active in therapy, but so far I don't see the point of IFS.
Any advice or commentary is welcome.
Ive been practicing IFS and finally the book No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz landed in my mailbox. I started reading and I absolutely love the book.
I've been wondering lately if physical pain also could be parts expressing themselves. Suddenly I got this intense pain in my forehead and jaw.
I lay down to try to connect with that pain - I fell asleep and had a very vivid dream of being a black woman with long dreads in a colonial hospital in Kenya.
I was her - I felt me in her. Long story short, most of my current friends and loves were there. And I've lived the past many years of my life in "her shoes". Just in another body and another location.
Anyone else?
I'm not sure if I've already made a post about this, but sometimes I just mentally "reset". Suddenly I have no recollection of what is going on, why I am feeling a particular way, and so on. It almost feels like I just took over for someone else.
I think some people would call that switching, but I haven't actually read or heard that term in the context of experiencing IFS therapy for myself.
Is this a common experience? My official diagnosis is C-PTSD.
My therapist never says, "What would this part say...?"
I often see people say their therapists prompt them this way, and that it doesn't help them, because they don't know what that part would say. My therapist doesn't do that.
She will look at my reaction to parts, or very clear messages from parts, and talk about why that has come up. I feel I'm making a ton of progress with her guidance. I'm surprised this doesn't seem to be the most common approach.
Spent years reading MBTI, Enneagram, attachment theory, Big Five. Got tested, read the books, could recite my type to anyone who asked.
Then I noticed something. I was using the type as a wall. "I'm an INFJ so I do this." "I'm a 4w5 so I feel that." Every time I labeled myself I closed a door I was supposed to walk through.
The types weren't wrong. They were just too cheap. Free vocabulary that let me skip the work of actually looking.
The opposite move felt obvious after a while. Stop typing yourself. Watch what you actually do, what you actually avoid, what you actually reach for at 11pm when nobody is watching. That is the read.
Curious if anyone else hit this wall. What got you out.
I wonder if anyone else in here is like me. When I have physical pain, I can feel the emotion inside that pain. I've been dealing with IBD and I clearly feel the emotion of deep grief in that pain. If anyone else feels this, how do you go about tapping into it? I've tried connecting with the pain but it is not able to speak yet.
Why do emotionally volatile mothers end up with emotionally unavailable fathers? What are the impacts on their children?
They have been hounding me for hours about having a post on social media. I've tried asking what their problem is, but they won't say why. Any tips for calming them down?
I realized today in therapy how badly my impulsive part needs to be allowed to lose control. For just 5 minutes. I was struggling to find ways to let this part lose control that involve blowing a couple thousand dollars (we don’t want any hypomanic behaviors). I’m pretty sure though, that if this part isn’t allowed to lose control very soon (in a safe and calculated way), flight tickets, clothes, etc will be bought.
But also, I’m recognizing that this part does need to lose control, so really, this is a win.
For the past 3 years I have been working with chronic shame, self monitoring, and dissociation/suppressive protective barriers. A month or so ago my therapist and I accessed a tangible anger, grief and loneliness that prevents me from participating in my life and externalizing my awareness. There have been tears shed from me and a lot of release in and out of session. The past three weeks though a cringe part has shown itself that feels utter disgust with me, hates the sound of my voice, and vaguely feels like I “talk weird”.
Last session there was a sense of “why bother talking, I’m alone, no one here cares” and a sense of strong anger towards my therapist who I have a good relationship with.
During today’s session it was so strong that I simply just stared off into space (virtual session), gave my therapist vague answers or simply refused to answer certain questions (especially around my life goals, how I’m spending my time etc). Very unusual for me and suprising to me. This lasted for about half the session, until the conversation veered off into a part that feels like I am not “a person who does things with her time” but rather like I am simply doing the opposite and “fixing myself” another way.
This cringe wants me to shame spiral but I have enough awareness and access to prevent that. This part feels embarrassed to exist in front of my therapist and most of all, to speak.
In a way I feel more real and present in session which is why the cringe is so strong, I guess to protect myself from feeling and being seen in presence.
If anyone has any insight or similar stories that would be great. I thought I’d share this because this seems like a big bump in my therapy journey and I don’t really have anyone in my life to share this with.
I’ve been doing IFS with a therapist for six years and have made amazing progress and am really proud of myself. But no matter how far I come I cannot fly without being absolutely hurled into my youngest most triggered states, that I never experience outside of airplanes. I’ve worked on it a lot but it’s hard to work on because the parts are so deep and subconscious to me that I hardly have any awareness of the parts at all. In some respects it’s gotten easier to see the triggered parts, and I know that it’s not really about airplanes and that those parts are just holding a lot of pain. But no matter what I do with them, being on an airplane is severely traumatic. I have a life that requires a lot of travel; I’m about to be in a long distance relationship, I have family on another continent, and my partners family also lives very far away. I’m wondering if this needs another approach, like EMDR.
Does anyone else have experience with situations that parts work just have not been able to assist with at all yet, and if so is there another modality that you’d recommend?
Recently I keep crying at seemingly random moments. But on reflection I realised the triggers aren’t random, they’re connected. And they point to a part I hadn’t met yet.
Trigger 1
The song ‘Waiting on a miracle’ from the movie Encanto, where Mirabel has a flashback to not receiving her magical powers at 5 years old (unlike the rest of her family) and finally stops pretending she’s fine and admits to feeling hurt, lonely, inadequate and rejected by her family.
“Always walking alone Always wanting for more Like I'm still at that door Longing to shine like all of you shine.”
Trigger 2
Reading a blog by Dr Becky where she describes her 4 year old son stealing pieces of a puzzle the rest of the family had been working on because he felt left out, and then lying about it. Instead of interrogating him, she talks about sitting with him and telling a story about a time she lied to her own mother as a child. Then:
“Three days later, he came up to me holding a little bag. Inside were the puzzle pieces. “I took them,” he said quietly. And he started crying. I didn’t lecture him. I didn’t do the speech. Because the arc had already happened. The truth coming out was the repair.”
I started crying in the middle of the street at the image of the little boy, mustering up the courage to take his ‘badness’ to his mother, and finding himself accepted.
Trigger 3
An Instagram post where a child psychotherapist told the story of a ‘time travel’ game a mother played with her kids. At one point the mother was sent forward in time to act as her 80-year-old self, taking to her present day kids. Afterwards her child said:
“Mom, you turned into an 80-year-old and told me you loved me and had always been proud of me. I needed to hear that today.”
And apparently part of me did too, because I burst into tears.
I found the part and comforted her as best I could, despite being still kind of blended with her. She told me, “I deserved a parent who loved me like that.” I hugged her and told her that yes, that is what she deserved, that I was sorry she didn’t get the love she deserved. And that I was here now, and I was going to love her like that.
I would love any advice on how I can work with this part, now that I’ve found her.
And also if anyone had similar experiences of finding a part in this way, I’d be interested to hear about it!
I find self compassion to be a somewhat complex shadow and that people can sometimes use something that look similar into the journey. Almost like we let our selves off the hook to easily which can erode self trust or respect. I feel like at the same time, genuine self compassion is the only thing that can truly heal. When did you find yours and how did it remain ?
This is something that jungian Donald Kalsched talks very specifically about, and he has a very good understanding of this phenomena. When a child or baby was so overwhelmed by distress that a split occurrs and the person oscillates from victim to perpetrator, within their own psyche and in the external world often as well. These people can be sadistic and aggressive and also very helpless, in order to protect a very fragile part of the psyche that another unconscious part despises and sees as too weak. Now that I come to think about it, it’s probably most similar to IFS.
This is my life essentially. I feel like I’m getting somewhat closer but i have been regressing once the consequences of this dynamic has started to emerge into ego consciousness.
It would be an understatement for me to say that I feel helpless. Im trying to follow my journey as best I can, and I feel like I’m getting much closer to the real material as opposed to the “feel good” spirituality that Hollis describes.
Has anyone actually made it to the Otha side of this challenge and merged the split ? It would mean a lot to
Me to hear you share abit about the process and how it’s changed your life. Im starting to feel like even this jungian individuation work can be a rat race and I don’t have much of a choice than to somehow save myself. It’s been so lonely and I’d like to think that I can one day find understanding for myself and my history.
To make long story short, I have a exile that was born from constant need to introspect and make the right choices to not be hurt and yet seeing people making bad choices woth no care. Thereby, it's activated when:
- An unexpected (mostly bad) consequence is either presented or in the risk of being presented.
- Someone makes an intentional choice that effects negatively on any other part.
But the problem is that life is always full of unexpected consequences and people screwing me over, and that realision alone made the part activate and for me to have a stress/anger episode.
The problem then is that even if I manage to fully initate the standard exile protocol (which is its own can of worms) and manage to unburden that part, it will always be reactivated and therefore, the intiviation stage will be always be undone, as the exile will just be created by constant external, natural forces.
Is there any way to ensure any efforts to handle that exile wont be nullified?