r/InternalFamilySystems

I have so much anxiety. A lot of people are of the mind, "deal with the route cause and then the anxiety will go away". But not if the Root Cause is literally being too human, too sensitive, ........ that's not going anywhere. I'm anxious because I have intense feelings, and I have intense feelings, and thousands of thoughts, all having been suppressed. I'm anxious because I"m human, and this part is carrying all of it, all the shame, all the anxiety.

IT's this Core-Exile (I"m calling it that for lack of a better word) , that's an essential part of who I am. But ,because it was massively Shamed, and then suppressed , then it grew into a problem child. Had the emotions of someone who feels things acutely, as an HSP, allowed to breath, OUT LOUD, there would have been adaptations made, possibly accomodations....a release valve, something, other than shoving into a shame box.

As a result, I carry pronounced Anxiety because I know I literally cant' suppress my humanity forever............however overly sensitive it is.

I don't know where Im going with this, but I want to say that this Part, this exile, makes me feel so anxious, ............it does not respond well to ..."only indoor voices" because the feelings are powerful, have been building up for decades. It's leaking out of every seam of my being. I feel like if anything , I need to find a way to express this Core self, .........More, ........and Louder......not less.............but in appropriate settings......in a more .....idk....better way to find out what it wants .....what it wants to say? Why is she so upset?

I contemplated screaming in my car. There have been times that the frustration and sheer energy it's taken all my life to suppress myself, is now causing all those emotions to leak out sideways, and makes me very intense. ...........and now my Anxiety is off the Charts.

Does anyone else have a part like this, with Big Emotions, Young feelings, who's frustrated and sooo anxious?

It's not even that there's a voice in my head telling this part to quiet down, and stop making a scene. It's thinking I'm perfectly fine and normal, and yet the anxiety is building, because this part is feeling and thinking so many things.....when I allow it to leave the house, when usually I sequester it at home...........and it just .............Shows Up.

LIke this.........."HI!" "DID YOU SEE THAT DOG! I LOVE DOGS!"

Then I go out and I assume I'm fine. Next thing you know something catches my eye, and it's like I've let a wild animal out of its cage, and "WOW, look at that", and I want to die.

Hi all,

There are days i feel compassion for my parts and my system. And i will also tell them that and sit with them. I will have deep compassion and acceptance.

But there are other days I just cannot feel that and I will feel hatred or resentment or feel stuck with the same parts and system.

What do i do on those days? Do i just fake compassion or do i show my hatred for them? If i show compassion then i am faking it. I i show hatred/resentment then I feel like they feel hurt/sad as they were just coping. How do u guys deal with this?

Additional question: why do we feel one day deep compassion to our parts and system, but on other days we feel the opposite?

I was stuck mourning the girl I was ten years ago.

The girl who didn’t know death.
The girl who wanted to be loved.
The girl who wanted to be heard.
The girl who longed to be acknowledged.

I was stuck mourning the girl I was six years ago.

The girl who was fiercely independent.
The girl who woke up motivated.
The girl who created without fear.
The girl who loved with her whole heart.
The girl who could find laughter in almost anything.

But today, I wasn’t mourning her.
Today, I found myself loving her.
Today, I sat beside her.
Today, I became curious.

I sat.
I listened.
I acknowledged instead of avoiding.

I realized I love the girl I sit with.

She is beautiful, yet intimidating.
She is courageous, yet sometimes arrogant.
She is curious, yet cautious.
She is compassionate, yet guarded.

And then something shifted.

Today, she no longer felt intimidating.
She no longer seemed arrogant.
She no longer looked so cautious.
She no longer felt guarded.

Instead, I saw myself.
She carries the same compassion I do.
The same anger I do.
The same beautiful, complicated mind I do.

She was never someone I needed to outgrow.
She was someone I needed to come back to.

So today, I sit with this little girl.

I don’t push her away.
I don’t silence her.
I don’t avoid her.

I sit.
I feel.
I listen.
I acknowledge.
I love.
Because that is all she has ever wanted.
Not to be fixed.
Not to be forgotten.
Only for me to sit beside her and truly listen.

This happened a few days ago. I fear it is too complex to get into without oversharing, but I’ll try.

First, I’m a low-income individual on Medicare, still searching for a therapist who understands IFS since the old one moved. I also have preverbal, early verbal trauma related to severe institutional abuse, other neurodivergencies.

This session started with a nightly “check-in” that unraveled into a full-blown conversation with a part based off a sleepwalking character from a silent film. There was also a choppy, black and white movie effect. I was in the observer role, or Self. I asked him to show me his thoughts and feelings. A pareidolia pattern on the ceiling turned into a viewing gallery. (I really need to get that checked for water damage…) Suddenly, a mirror of my actual self emerged. Like a new participant in our session, but I was still an observer as well, so… not me at the same time? It was odd, still, I understand all parts signal something about ourselves.

But she took full-bodied, unapologetic control. It was hard to watch. Even though this part looked like me, I did not feel she represented me, my aims, my goals, etc., and was not “Self-like.“ Moments later, upon “waking,” she suddenly accused the sleepwalker part of rape via hypnosis, then strangled him in rage, even though he‘d been as passive as a puppet - he even let her kill him.

I tried to pause it when it escalated into violence, only for her to resume it by force. The last thing I saw before two high-level parts - uninvolved up to this point - pulled the plug, was that “He was killed by his Master.” And then it was over. The old movie filter was gone. I recall asking if any of it was ever real. They basically told me yes but to pretend it was fake. I wrote as much of it down immediately in case I’d forget later.

That night I only slept three hours. Right after waking, I saw the sleepwalker again, but blended, perhaps. He seemed troubled. Later, I couldn’t return to that place in my mind at all. But he intrudes with semi-regular frequency without resolution now - he barely answers to me, just makes sad faces, mostly. The one time he did answer, I forgot the context it was attached to.

A note that in the old movie he was from, the protagonist (a different character) was revealed to be a delusional asylum patient all along. I only watched it once at 15-16 despite being an old film lover because the whole thing made me feel horribly ill on a level beyond artistry (as in, it was intentional film design, but I didn’t like it and didn’t know why I didn’t like it). Related, I guess.

If you read this far, thanks. I’m looking for any and all advice and insights applicable to my situation. I’m in a bit of a bind, but trying to remain open-minded.

i found this part I call "peter pan". it's a kid that doesn't want to grow up. it is my favorite out of all my parts, and much like with a favorite child, I let it get away with way too much. I am a grown adult with grown children and I have witnessed my childish behavior hurt and embarrass them. but I just don't want to let this part go.

perhaps it's not me, but another part that doesn't want to let go?

anyway I just had a conversation with "Peter" and the part told me growing up is boring and not fun and why would I want it to hold back.

most of the parts until now that I have encountered were parts with some kind of pain, and I got used to trying to get to the bottom of it, trying to unburden the part, etc. but this one--it is all joy and mischief and it doesn't seem to have any painful memories just wants to make my life more fun. so I am not sure how to work with it.

In IFS therapy for about a year now, and I do see improvement for sure, especially in my internal communication. I’ve definitely got more parts that I haven’t gotten to meet yet (only know them from bodily sensations/involuntary reactions, so I know they’re there but I haven’t actually figured out who they are) but I have 7 parts that I can usually find/communicate with if they need my attention. Out of these 7, 4 are kids, 1 is a teenager, and 2 are adults. This seems like a high proportion of younger parts to me!

I’m just curious to see how many little parts other people have! I really like having so many child parts, it feels a lot easier to communicate with them, but I do worry about how much work they have to do in helping maintain our emotions. Interested to hear what other people have to say about their child parts and their roles in the system!

I've been in IFS therapy for about a year and I feel I'm making good progress, particularly in the sessions themselves. However, I struggle to check in with my parts between sessions, and I feel that that is hindering my progress.

I think of my parts as children, and when I spend time with them in Self it is very calming for them: it makes them feel seen, heard and safe, and my life is much easier as a result.

However, if I don't spend any time with them all week, they feel neglected and try to MAKE themselves heard, e.g. my protectors will get very loud with self-criticism, or my exiles will make me feel very sad/lonely.

I know that I probably need to spend maybe 20 minutes a day sitting with them all, listening to them, and bringing some Self energy to them, so that they feel safe and calm. And yet I find this kind of solo inner work almost impossible. Can anyone relate?

I guess I have a part who struggles with stillness/silence/solitude, which I should investigate...

I notice that I avoid doing things because of the emotional experience I think I will have.

Like, anything I am not familiar with or havent done before. Things that will force me to grow. Things where I will have to show up differently than I am used to.

Does IFS help with emotional regulation and avoidance behavior?

I posted in this sub a few weeks ago about struggling with IFS after a few months of trying it with my therapist and reading just about everything I could find on the subject (I'm 7 books deep now!)

Still having a lot of trouble relating to the language that the books use, especially anything around "seeing" or "hearing" from a part, and honestly still struggling with even identifying any parts in me somatically. I can logically deduce that certain parts exist and can name them as the emotion I'm feeling (Frustration, Overwhelm, etc) but can't get much past that. Whenever I try to do an IFS meditation by myself, nothing comes to me after I close my eyes and try to take stock of my bodily sensations or search my mind for a presence. It's like sitting in a totally dark room and going "hello? hello??" and getting nothing in response, and I'm struggling to even identify sensations in my body beyond my chronic pain in my shoulders and neck that never goes away. I mean, I can feel my butt in my seat, but I highly doubt that the sensation is trying to "tell" me anything, you know?

I wanted to come back and request more guidance because I found a few old posts from others dealing with similar issues, and it led me to finding this exercise in "The Self-Led Internal Family Systems Workbook" by Tanis Allen about dealing with "blankness" when attempting IFS.

https://preview.redd.it/pnj8bvqsjabh1.jpg?width=522&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=398932eee88d1e511a929a93a4ae3f2c6077bf1c

https://preview.redd.it/joh7ydevjabh1.jpg?width=493&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b360a86c58293091544640c93782d96063c16e63

https://preview.redd.it/vxs74lexjabh1.jpg?width=487&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=da01e851af89f86ecbc69a02ca31427be1c2b266

https://preview.redd.it/8wd2gfpyjabh1.jpg?width=518&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=047993317cad10f8cd863923453428e99b5aae62

https://preview.redd.it/t8t6gbkzjabh1.jpg?width=510&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=58a7afaefe4c3c1a123aeeca253ed875466bbd68

https://preview.redd.it/3raxn430kabh1.jpg?width=714&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f12bd97f5a8bf8bfc13d504731b8fb64d0983b9f

(I hope it's okay to include screenshots here)

At first I was excited to find this exercise, it seemed like finally someone was really understanding and ready to address the challenge that I've been experiencing! But almost immediately upon reading it, I found myself really frustrated with the language being used and how different this example is to my experience trying to work with the "blankness" that I'm coming up against. First, the author writes all of their examples as a conversation, like they are hearing a distinct separate voice in their head and that voice is talking back and forth with them. This really doesn't resonate with me at all, I only hear my normal internal narrative in my head and when I try to "converse" like this with what I think might be a part, I just get absolutely nothing back. I could relate to the part where Frustration and Confusion came in, as those are definitely emotions that come up whenever I'm trying an IFS exercise and running up against a blank inner world, but even then, I certainly don't "hear" them saying anything to me like the author describes. Then I got really frustrated reading the part where the author started conversing with the blankness and got images projected from that "part." Not once in any of my attempts at an IFS session have I gotten images, sounds, shapes, etc. coming to me.

Some previous commenters have pointed out that I might be taking the language too literally, but every single one of the IFS books I've read uses the same words -- "what is this part TELLING you?" "what IMAGES come to mind?" At one point this author explicitly says "I'm experiencing this part as a voice in my head." None of this connects for me.

When I try to do some somatic work and take stock of my bodily sensations, it's like there's nothing going on in my body at all, but every book also emphasizes that you have to start from a bodily sensation to "locate" a part. When I'm particularly triggered in my day-to-day life, I get bodily sensations like tension in my neck and jaw, tightness around my eyes, the burning of tears behind my eyes, etc. but it doesn't ever seem to come up when I'm sitting and trying to intentionally take stock or meet those parts. I've tried triggering emotions in myself to work with them, but the sensations seem to disappear as soon as I give them any attention, which really makes it impossible to "be with" those sensations/parts or dig deeper with them.

I think I might have met one part in a therapy session the other week, it was a very interesting experience. I said one sentence to my therapist and suddenly there were tears welling up in my eyes out of nowhere, and we then took the rest of the session to sit with that feeling and eventually try to calm it down so I could go about the rest of my day after the session. The more I sat with the sadness, the bigger it got, and the stronger I could feel tension in my face and jaw and eyes. But for the whole hour we spent with it, I swear that part had absolutely nothing to share with me in any meaningful way that I can figure, except that it was there. I left feeling calmer but pretty sullen for the rest of the day, and I've spent the past week trying to do anything meaningful with the experience or duplicate that result to no end. Speaking out loud seems to be the only thing that has helped me conjure a part, if that's actually what happened, but I don't know what to do with that from here. More talk therapy??

I'm also still really stuck on the idea of a part "stepping back," something my therapist has asked parts to do before. I've tried it with myself as well, but it's hard to get to that step when I can't even "find" a part in my body to work with. Frustration is what comes up the most often (aside from the blankness) and I've tried to work with that frustration but just feel like I'm shouting into the void. Can anyone describe what the heck it feels like for a part to "step back," so I can better understand it? When my therapist or I try to "ask" a part to "step back," nothing seems to happen, but I'm also not sure I've ever found a part in order to really try it.

Just feeling really stuck and like none of the language in any of the IFS books I've found makes sense to me intuitively, and I know this is supposed to be a really intuitive practice. A few people suggested on my previous post that I give up on IFS and try something else, but I've tried several different modalities and don't feel like I'm getting anywhere in therapy. I have deep abandonment wounds and past trauma to work through and so many people believe that IFS is the most powerful way to work with those issues. I want to remain hopeful, but I'm starting to feel skepticism and defeat taking over any interest and hope I had. When even the examples of what to do with my "blankness" don't resonate/sound alien to me, what do I do?

I feel so discouraged right now. Im starting to take the idea seriously that I don’t know what to do and I need someone’s help. Im starting to reach out to any therapist that may be able to help me and that is certified. How long did it take for you to find your therapist and to finally get the help and clarity you need?

I'm still learning about IFS therapy from the Self-Therapy book by James Earley and it's been pretty good. I have been having success with letting go of a lot of anger and phobias with IFS so far. I've also been doing pretty well at reframing things for my parts. That is, until it's time to deal with my porn and masturbation problem. When I ask about it, I start getting very nervous and even restless. Almost like I can talk about everything and anything else with my parts, except that. And it makes me very upset. Part of me wants to give up the porn for good, and another part of me is addicted to it. But it goes deeper than this. Because I also suffer from tactile hallucinations that have been very sexual and can even keep me up at night. And one of the triggers that started it was wanting to give up porn and masturbation a little over 3 years ago. So is this a part of me that just really doesn't want to stop looking at it, or is this possibly a demon or something? What's going on and what exactly should I do about this?

I’m new to IFS but as I slowly stepped away from some forms of abuse, I look back on all of my feelings, thoughts and behaviours and they feel alien to me. I kind of feel split right now where I have “me” and then a part that is the copy of my abusers, down to the facial expression, phrases, how I treat my loved ones. I mean “I” was literally fighting with that part over control of my face as that part wanted to smile watching someone else’s pain and it freaks me out. I’m also aware of other parts, especially a 1 year old part.

I don’t know what this is but it feels like I’m waking up from a coma where I get glitches of consciousness but otherwise I’m fully dissociated or have to share space with this part that is just like my abuser. It just feels alien and foreign to me now, like my mind and body have been programmed by abusers and I get glitches of my real self. How do I stop this?

And I mean MASSIVE unbearable panic attacks.

was working with one of my parts and realized afterward that I had pushed it beyond what it was ready for. During the session, I suddenly became extremely, extremely tired.

Afterward, I experienced severe panic attacks for several days, so intense that I seriously considered admitting myself to a psychiatric hospital.

Eventually, I realized that the panic attacks are connected to having crossed one of the part’s boundaries. I returned to the part with more care, and since then the panic has decreased by about 70%. It’s still there and still very distressing, but it’s no longer as overwhelming as it was.

The part I worked with was depression and another part was anger. I don’t know if the information helps.

At this point, I’m not sure how to move forward, so I’d really appreciate any advice. If you’re an IFS practitioner and think you might be able to help, I’d also love to set up a call.

Hi friends. I’m writing this in hopes to get some wisdom from all of you and your kind Selves.

Context: My usual (IFS-trained) therapist is on leave so I’ve been working with another therapist for the past month, and probably for the next two months. I worked with her for three years in the past, so she’s not a total stranger, but it’s been a while.

This week, I tried to bring up a major trauma in therapy and just begin working towards working on it, since it affects me a lot. I’ve been avoiding it for a while. We didn’t even talk about the event. I just talked about why i wanted to work on it, how it affects me today, my cycle of breakdowns around it.

But in the middle of the session I really shut down: I felt really, really sleepy, and kind of nonverbal, like I didn’t care about what my therapist was saying and totally disengaged from her. We tried regrounding stuff, but I just couldn’t come back.

It’s two days later and I’ve spent the past two days feeling really bad. A lot of crying, sleepiness, depressive symptoms. Which happens to be the same stuff I experienced in the months right after the trauma.

I guess I’m wondering, does this all mean I’m not ready to work on it? Maybe my system wants more time. Or maybe this is a normal part of the process and I can work with the shutdown-y parts.

Or maybe, I’m not connected enough to my interim therapist like I am to my actual one (who is coming back in two months). Maybe I should take a step back and wait for my more trusted therapist to return. But I’m starting law school in 6 weeks and I think my capacity/space for deep processing will be lower. which also worries me, navigating this trauma while in school🤕

I’m feeling lost and could use your guys’s perspective. There’s a part of me that really doesn’t want to look at the trauma again and retrigger myself and stuff. But I don’t know. What does readiness look like?

I have been pretty emotional as of recent. I have had a few parts who have been dominating some conversations to include:

A critical part that is calling me names and focusing on my weight as a negative, all encompassing thing. I've had moments where I cannot shake this bully who continues to tell me I am "gross" and that I look horrible in every picture and in real time moments. After running in circles about my physical appearance it decides to switch up on me and transitions to saying some nasty stuff along the lines that "no one cares about you."

Sadness quickly comes up and get's suppressed by a distractor part after this run in with the critic. It is almost like I am running away from the feelings that come up the second I get the chance, because who in the hell wants to think about all that?

Anyway if I didn't know about this work I would probably just continue to work in tandem with my distraction/numbing part. I'd be praised for working through my stuff so well while continuing to rinse and repeat the cycle.

Although I am very annoyed right now and I feel very burned out, truthfully I know what I need to do. I need to talk to these parts and limit the brawl between distractor, sadness, and the critic.

Just needed to get this out to stay accountable. As the title says life would be "easier" if i didn't have to do the fucking work... but alas, this work will pay off even if it is terrifying right now.

To anyone else going through this right now just know I'm right there with you, pissed off about having to do it but understanding deep down this work is good for me and will get me where I want to be.

Thanks for listening enjoy my silly meme :)

It’s a book about parts that aren’t ours inside our system. There are a lot of different themes in this book, about how different cultures view “spirits” etc but the main idea is that the writer Robert Falconer studied people through an IFS framework (Richard Schwartz writes the intro, they are colleagues) for years and deduced that sometimes people have parts that did not originate from their own system.

It’s a mind bender of a book and very long but his accounts of people genuinely experiencing parts as being not of themselves really helped me.

I watched my ex have a psychotic break a few years ago and after that I went deep into IFS to make sense of my inner world. I found several parts in my system that were not mine and my therapist helped me remove them and return them to my ex.

Anyone else experience this or read this book?

I have a highly instinctive, non-visual, non-verbal brain (Total Aphantasia, Anendophasia, Spatial-Kinesthetic Direct Processing). For a long time, I have been working with someone online to help me anchor my baseline state in Self using external, somatic anchors. It worked—I successfully established it as my new baseline.
However, during this intense process, I hit a point of severe physical exhaustion and dropped into a deep, hours-long dissociative state. While my conscious mind was entirely offline, a powerful, impulsive protector part took the wheel. Operating with eerie efficiency through pure muscle memory and subconscious drive, it became completely fixated on a deep fear/anxiety I had.
Because I was so deeply blended and dissociated, this part ended up crossing a boundary with the person I was working with. They have rightly and safely advised that they can no longer work with me.
I am devastated but I want to take full accountability and keep the progress I made. I need to know how to hold this somatic baseline on
my own without an external co-regulator.
Given my unique neurotype (no internal visuals or inner monologue—I process entirely through body sensation, space, and kinetics), where can I turn for solo IFS resources? How do I work with a powerful, automated "firefighter" part when my conscious mind completely checks out?

Any book recommendations, specific somatic exercises, or advice from practitioners who work with non-visual/non-verbal trauma processing would be deeply appreciated

So, the person who informed me that burdened parts are exiles also made a comment about firefighters often being connected to managers, and that the managers could be self-like parts...

Well, thanks again!

This firefighter is being "managed" by THREE parts... and she doesn't like that! We're really on the move now.

I had a couple of unexpected breakthroughs, and now I have a lot of inner work to do. I think this might help with my narcolepsy and migraine symptoms.

I love the people in this group. You all are almost always very compassionate, and say the most insightful things.