u/imagery-fantasy

So I noticed recently: I experience emotions like a child. Literally. Since I wasn't allowed nor able to feel and express my emotions as a child when I was a child..now my emotions are still at that age. They're still child and not developed past then. I want to cry SO HARD, I want to scream loud, I am inconsolable, i cry and have strong emotional outbursts over childish things (or things that wouldn't have that impact on a healthily emotionally developed adult)..it takes me long to calm down..and I need to be witnessed and loved and validated and allowed to take my space. Basically anything you imagine a child emotional breakdown is. Also the sound of me crying and screaming sounds like a child. And I "act" like a child. I'm literally at that age of like 3.

I NEED to be given my space. MY VOCAL SPACE. When I was a child I wasn't let to have my space with crying or making any sound. I was a silent. Now, this is what is my trauma. This actually connects to a lot of other relevant struggles that I posted on this sub before.

I could talk more in depth about parts interaction in relation to this, but I won't bc it'll make the post too long

This part needs to be given space to be ourselves..in that way. We need vocal space, we need safety WITH our vocal space being heard, we need emotional safety and not being shamed nor seen as cringe nor "dangerous" (yes some people have said that to me before) nor crazy

I will, again, repeat for the people in the back: THIS PART DOESN'T NEED SOLUTIONS, IT NEEDS SPACE TO SCREAM ND CRY AND HAVE AN OUTBURST/TANTRUM OVER THE THINGS IT HAS THEM OVER, AND NEEDS SAFETY EMOTIONALLY + PHYSICALLY.

Being muted like this is a symptom of our trauma. It's NOT normal for me. Don't derail the conversation into that side. I feel/this part feels I can't breathe. Literally.

My question is: how do I do that in a house with roommates. Because I can't afford to live alone

هحكي موقف لواحدة أعرفها. هو موقف حصل حرفيا انهاردة. هي راجعة من الشغل متأخر وبتستنى مواصلات. مفيش مواصلات غير ميكروباص وباصات اللي تقدر تركبها عشان معهاش فلوس لاوبر مثلا. المهم

هي مستنية مواصلات بقالها ساعات ومفيش حاجة. والوقت بتأخر اكتر وهي تعبانة وفي نفس الوقت كل ما الوقت عدى المواصلات هتقل.

بعد انتظار طويل لقت ميكروباص وراحت وراه جري من كتر ما هي مش عايزة تفوته وتعبت من الانتظار. لقته فاضي. قلقت بس قالت تركبه بردو عشان مش هيكون فيه غيره في الوقت دا. بعد شوية ناس تانية ركبت ونزلت والدنيا عادية. وبعدين لما جت تنزل السواق بيقولها رايحة فين. هي استغربت السؤال لأن ما هي نازلة اهو. بعدين قالتله تنزل ونزلت. هو قالها الأجرة. اول ما كانت هتطلع الأجرة لقته بيقولها انت رايحة فين. تعالي اوصلك. دا وهي اصلا نزلت. فهي بسبب كدا راحت اصلا سابته ومشيت من غير ما تديله الأجرة عشان شافته ابن وسخة وهو فعلا كدا

فضل وراها بالمكروباص بيقول مرة هاتي الأجرة عشان امشي ومرة يقول تعالي اوصلك تعالي اركبي معايا

لحد ما وصلت كشك. ساعتها بقى السواق قرر ينزل يتخانق على الأجرة. وعامل نفسه قال ايه ك دا ماشي وراها عشان الأجرة ومش حاجة تانية

راحت خدت الفلوس رمتها في وشه ومشيت (هو ميستاهلش غير كدا) راح ابن الوسخة جاري عليها وكان عايز يضربها وناس حاشوه. فهي قالت لهم اللي هو كان بيعمله عشان محدش يفتكر ان الموضوع كان أجرة وخلاص

وهم بيمشوه قالولها "خلاص الموضوع خلص" هي قالتلهم "خلص ازاي؟ هو كان ممكن يعمل ايه ليا او لحد عيري؟ الموضوع خلص وهو كان ممكن يعمل حاجة ليا او لغيري؟؟"

هم قعدوا يستغبوا وسألوها انت عايزة ايه مع ان كلامها واضح. وواحد قالها انت ايه اللي مخليكي في الشارع في الوقت دا.

قالتله يعني دا هيخلي اللي عمله صح؟

وشرحت تاني اللي هو عمله ليها وسألت "يعني هو صح؟""

راح واحد بكل بحاجة وسماجة بيقول " ايوة صح" وكررها كتير. وواحد تاني قعد يقوله "متتكلمش معاها اصلا"

وهي سألته "ليه صح" قال "مش لازم يبقى فيه سبب. هو صح" بنفس السماجة

هو ايه كسم القرف دا؟؟؟؟؟؟؟ هو بجد ايه دا؟؟؟ هي الناس بتبرر الجرايم كدا بكل علنية؟؟؟؟ عادي؟؟؟؟؟؟؟ يعني مفيش انسانية؟ انا حرفيا اتصدمت من اللي سمعته دا اصل بجد دا مش ممكن دا فعلا مخيف. فيه ناس ممكن تتعرض لجرايم ف وسط الليل والناس مش هتساعدها وهتقول هو صح!!

هي كل دي مجرمين عايشين وسطنا؟

And like being comfortable around someone to show them your real emotions especially the big ones

Also difference between being emotionally abusive and just reacting to something that hurt you first

Especially knowing the difference between these 3 is important bc otherwise, you will believe what anyone says about you at any given time. (Or you won't ever believe you're being abusive)

I swear ifs makes this even more confusing.

انا كنت بنزل قبل كدا اني بصرف على نفسي وبعيش في ايجار ولازم اشتغل عشان كدا طبعا. قعدت ادور في الكولد كولينج لحد ما قرفت والشركات اللي بتخصم او مش بتخليك تتعلم وتاخد وقتك. اشتغلت تيلي سيلز. وعاجبني طبيعية الشغل اكتر من الكولد كولينج الريل استيت المعفن دا. بس المشكلة؟ الشركة دي فيها probation period ٣ شهور لازم تعدي منها. ولازم تجيب ارقام معينة كل شهر. بس بردو ومع اني كنت ببوس رجلهم يدوني فيدباك ويساعدوني اجيب الأرقام دي، هم واخدين راحتهم خاااالص ولا كأنهم طالبين تارجت مني في شهر. يعني لو مكانش مطلوب مني تارجت كنت هفهم اللي بيعملوه دا. زائد اني اكتشفت حاجة انهاردة خلتني اعرف ان كان فيه فيدباك مهمة جدا جدا جدا جدا ومانعاني في الأرقام..ومحدش قالهالي. انا اللي اكتشفت بالصدفة. هو ايه دا؟؟؟ انا ممكن ملحقش اجيب التارجت بسبب الموضوع دا. زائد ان التارجت اصلا كتير على حد مبتدئ لسة بياخد فيدباك وكوتشنج!

هو مفيش أمل ليا؟ ليه مش بجيب ارقام؟ ولا هم اللي طالبين كتير مني؟ هو فيه حاجة غلط فيا؟

ولا هم اللي طالبين كتير مني ومش سايبيني اتعلم

الموضوع حياة او موت بالنسبة لي لأني لو مش بشتغل مش هدفع ايجار ولا اكل يعني هموت

هو مفيش امل ليا؟؟ هي الشركات مش عايزة حد بيتعلم ويكون بدون خبرة فعلا زي ما بيقولوا؟؟؟ ولا عايزينه يكون حلو لوحده وبيجيب تارجت كبير لوحده؟؟ يكون هو جاي كدا (عشان عنده خبرة اصلا يا اما موهوب جدا)

سواء الكولد كولينج او السيلز

وكل الأشغال دي اصلا بنت كلب ومعظمها بيكون rotational وحاجات مقدرش اعملها

ازاي اعيش؟؟؟؟ سمي صغير ومتخرجتش من الكلية فمقدرش اشتغل في مجالي خاصة بفلوس محترمة تعيشني

I literally don't even know what to write in the post. Just please freaking help. Please try to communicate with it or guide me in very specific ways in how to. Please tell me what to do with it RIGHT NOW. Not things about gradually and in the future and overtime. These were the only replies I got about this part when I talked about it before.

I can't figure this on my own. And I want instant action.

Information: they're a child. (Don't know how old). They exist in my upper chest, near my heart and throat..in a very very very deep part. They're completely mute. I literally can't let out any sound through it. I can't breathe in it..I actually feel asphyxiated. It makes me enter a muted state when it's online. My voice physically goes away and I can't bring it back nor control it. I can tell my heart rate is going UPPP when it's online..almost like cardiac arrest. This part is usually really numb that I forget this part of my body exists (until it's triggered. Which is often). When it's triggered, it's one of two scenarios: either triggered while feeling something, or while not feeling something. When it's triggered while not feeling something, I get self harm urges. When it's triggered while feeling something, I get a painful sensation and suffocation that feels unbearable. The sensation of this part in my body is actually really something. Usually it's numb but when it feels something, it's this extremely burning heat sensation in a very deep place in my chest that it feels torturous. That burning heat persists. The heat is a physical sensation.

The emotions this part is mostly triggered by are Hurt and Anger. They're both hot feelings. When the part feels hurt or angry, it is mute so it's can't let out any sound or word. And I feel like I can't breathe. So I end up in this state of feeling like I'm hyperventilating without even breathing which feels like death. So the feeling either ends up being stuck inside me and my chest and throat burning me and calling me worthless, or it comes out in self harming ways.

Replying sooner than later is the best. I'm spiraling. (But if you're gonna write a well thought out reply then take all your time).

Disclaimer: I'm not claiming that I am autistic because I don't have a diagnosis and I don't have a certain answer for whether I have it or not. I'm asking here because I think y'all will understand me.

I am certainly, from experience, sensitive to sounds. I go absolutely crazy literally crazy from people on the streets and their sounds and especially car horns that are so loud for no reason and people also use them for no reason (my country is weird). My heartbeat goes so high. And I get extreme pain + rage (+ self harm urges). My cousin is partially deaf and wears hearing aids to make him able to hear. He described before that even with his hearing aids, since he is deaf, he still doesn't hear the same as we do. So it's still a disadvantage. And I wouldn't like that for myself. However I envy him so badly because he once explained how his hearing aids work. He can turn up the "volume" in his ears and hear more or turn it down and not here at all. And he somehow can connect it to music so he has the ability to only be able to hear music in his ear if he turns down the hearing part and turns up the music (this one I'm not sure of though I can't clearly remember what he said).

I wish I had the ability to turn off my hearing so badly. I wish I had control over that. When I'm in crazy streets I can just turn down the volume and not hear anything and not hear all of this craziness. I'm going to go insane what the hell do I even do

Today at work I achieved or did something correctly and that made me happy. I have been waiting for that thing so I felt really happy. Context: my "default face" is a poker face. I have that face within most of my emotional states and non emotional states. It's been the face I knew since as young as I could ever remember being conscious. (There are pics of me at 4 or 3 with that face)

What I noticed was: I felt happy in my upper chest. I then..felt an urge to smile. But. My default face was still on. It all felt natural. Until it suddenly didn't.

I feel happy. I wanna smile. Yet it's hidden behind my default face. My default face suddenly didn't feel natural anymore. It felt kinda suffocating and intentional. But it felt like I've been doing this for the longest I remember. It felt like a natural action (but not a natural emotion).

When I tried to let loose and smile a bit, I would hide my face as a natural response. I didn't want any of my coworkers see me smile.

I then wondered.. why I'm not smiling

A voice inside me answered "when I smile they aren't (feeling) happy"

"They" here was referring to my parents.

And then it said "I have to act like this"

"Act" means to be acting.

So when I noticed that, I just wondered while being bewildered "what the in the fucked up shit happened so I ended up like this? To think that my parents didn't feel happy when I smiled... what the hell happened to me in my childhood? As bad as parents being bad to you when you're in pain is, were they bad when I smiled? Did they not feel happy? Then what happened?

What I felt that period while continuing to work was a weird mix of many things. I felt.. suffocated happiness, alongside hurt, disgust, fear..all in one emotion. It persisted. It stayed there for the rest of the day. All with a face that didn't or couldn't smile. I felt them in my higher chest and shoulders. These areas I usually don't feel anything in, but when that feeling or feelings came up, it's felt like that's what's been there for my whole life. Or for the whole time. I don't know it's weird.

What happened to make me end up like this? I know it's not "necessary" to know. But it's bothering me. What the hell happened??? I wanna know

I also never had and don't have any pictures of me as a child at ANY age, smiling. Unless of course the "smile for the picture". I have no pictures as a child where I'm genuinely happy in and smiling. That's such an interesting observation that I never paid attention to

Edit: also one thing I know for a fact,: this isn't a teenage part. Even though the clearest memories I have of hiding my happiness/joy are in my teenage years, this is NOT a teenage part. This is child. I know it.

It's been here before the teenage one. It's what influenced me as a teenager to hide. I cant explain it I just know it.

There's nowhere in the world around me where I can experience peace and calm.

That feeling of groundedness and calm. Nowhere.

I can't be that or experience that at work. Matter of fact I have to consciously suppress myself at work because "me" wouldn't be acceptable there and could also cost me my job. Plus the job is stressful and tiring. So no calm and peace and slowness there. (My system is in its default state of psychological chaos)

I can't be me at home. Because roommates and you should be "considerate" of them. (Yet it's totally okay for me to be suppressed and not given space to exist myself; I'm making myself uncomfortable to accommodate them but they aren't for me and don't give me my space to take up as well). I am not allowed to be loud because that's "rude". I can't sing loud. When I love singing and it makes me feel alive. I can't laugh loud. I can't CRY with a sound or cry loud. Even my right for my emotions is taken away from me. I can't scream. When emotions are strong that they're making your heart squeeze with emotion. I'm not allowed to feel that. I'm not allowed to scream it out. I'm not allowed to do what my body naturally wants to do as a response to it. Feeling strong and big emotions is apparently not allowed. And I feel a LOT of those. Not only because I am someone with trauma..which is still a big reason. But also because I'm generally a sensitive person. I feel things strongly in general. That's who I am. I'm not allowed to be me at home because apparently me existing as myself is too much. Even though others want me to adjust myself so THEY can exist as themselves. But I'm not. I can't be myself when I'm loud. I can't really truly meet myself when part of myself isn't allowed to appear in the space (No calm and peace energy at home either. My system is in its default state of chaos, suppression and fear, and feeling judged. And at risk of losing housing and being on the street because people don't like me)

I can't experience calm and peace on the street. Because it's full of selfish obnoxious people who don't care about common sense and manners. Some of these things are specific to my country, but it's basically pollution; most of people will think of Trash on the street when I say this, which is true, but what I mean the most is sound pollution. People are obnoxious, using car horns all the time for no reason at all and all the time. This is sound pollution and sound "dirtiness". I'm genuinely disgusted it, I hate it and it truly hugely upsets me. I feel like I'm the only sane person when I get angry and hurt by them. I can't experience peace and calm energy in the street. Because I can't get a break from this pollution and dirtiness. And I will be seen as the crazy one if I get mad (I experience constant rage and burning pain and hurt on the street. My body and system is in its default state of psychological chaos)

There's nowhere I can be at peace or be with me. To be not in the default chaos. This is a HUGE problem.

People usually can heal when they have a "home" or a "safety zone" that they come back to. Including attachment healing.

I can't even find myself an energy or an environment where I can build attachment with me.

I'm going crazy everyday

Please look at this post from ifs lens (and meeting yourself in the true sense pov)

There's nowhere in the world around me where I can experience peace and calm.

That feeling of groundedness and calm. Nowhere.

I can't be that or experience that at work. Matter of fact I have to consciously suppress myself at work because "me" wouldn't be acceptable there and could also cost me my job. Plus the job is stressful and tiring. So no calm and peace and slowness there. (My system is in its default state of psychological chaos)

I can't be me at home. Because roommates and you should be "considerate" of them. (Yet it's totally okay for me to be suppressed and not given space to exist myself; I'm making myself uncomfortable to accommodate them but they aren't for me and don't give me my space to take up as well). I am not allowed to be loud because that's "rude". I can't sing loud. When I love singing and it makes me feel alive. I can't laugh loud. I can't CRY with a sound or cry loud. Even my right for my emotions is taken away from me. I can't scream. When emotions are strong that they're making your heart squeeze with emotion. I'm not allowed to feel that. I'm not allowed to scream it out. I'm not allowed to do what my body naturally wants to do as a response to it. Feeling strong and big emotions is apparently not allowed. And I feel a LOT of those. Not only because I am someone with trauma..which is still a big reason. But also because I'm generally a sensitive person. I feel things strongly in general. That's who I am. I'm not allowed to be me at home because apparently me existing as myself is too much. Even though others want me to adjust myself so THEY can exist as themselves. But I'm not. I can't be myself when I'm loud. I can't really truly meet myself when part of myself isn't allowed to appear in the space (No calm and peace energy at home either. My system is in its default state of chaos, suppression and fear, and feeling judged. And at risk of losing housing and being on the street because people don't like me)

I can't experience calm and peace on the street. Because it's full of selfish obnoxious people who don't care about common sense and manners. Some of these things are specific to my country, but it's basically pollution; most of people will think of Trash on the street when I say this, which is true, but what I mean the most is sound pollution. People are obnoxious, using car horns all the time for no reason at all and all the time. This is sound pollution and sound "dirtiness". I'm genuinely disgusted it, I hate it and it truly hugely upsets me. I feel like I'm the only sane person when I get angry and hurt by them. I can't experience peace and calm energy in the street. Because I can't get a break from this pollution and dirtiness. And I will be seen as the crazy one if I get mad (I experience constant rage and burning pain and hurt on the street. My body and system is in its default state of psychological chaos)

There's nowhere I can be at peace or be with me. To be not in the default chaos. This is a HUGE problem.

People usually can heal when they have a "home" or a "safety zone" that they come back to. Including attachment healing.

I can't even find myself an energy or an environment where I can build attachment with me.

I'm going crazy everyday

And you know what fucking sucks?? I made this post and originally posted it on the sub that I originally wanted; the ifs sub. Then what happens? First it gets an upvote.. then right after it, the freaking mod removes it saying "this doesn't relate to ifs". ?????????????????? What????

What type of invalidation is that??? I really wanted to post that post. I felt so .. happy about it. I was waiting for people's responses. I wanted to receive them.

I'm so fucking pissed off and upset because this just proved my point. I originally poured my heart out in this post and was vulnerable. I thought unconsciously that I would be able to be myself online and meet some peace and have people understand me and what I'm saying.. just to have someone delete my post for literally no reason. I don't even feel like posting it here anyway anymore. I'm now posting it without "appetite" and wanna cry. I'm too upset and feeling a lot of despair now bc of this. I'm only doing it because I might need an answer

I also now feel shame about my post. Which seems to be the effect of the sheer invalidation I instantly got from there without even getting validation from responses first. I'm so fucking upset because why

I posted it here because I think y'all are the only other sub that knows ifs

وهل لازم اشتري الشنبر من عندهم عشان يكشفوا ولا لو معايا واحد عادي

it's all the fault of HORRIBLE, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HORRIBLE employers who fire me based on unintentional things and health issues.. then REFUSE TO PAY ME (can't legally sue them don't be in my comments telling me to do that)

And now I'm already experiencing symptoms of not being able to eat even when I'm able to

And I can't eat because fucking FOOD is only for those who have money

And after I read about refeeding syndrome.. are you telling me I'm going to DIE even when I hopefully get the means to eat, JUST by trying to feed myself??????

I'm already experiencing symptoms of this btw. are you saying IM GOING TO DIE??????????

ALL OF THIS IS BECAUSE GOD BIRTHED ME INTO A FAMILY THAT HATES ME AND I WAS 100% GOING TO DIE BY THEIR HAND IN MULTIPLE WAYS AND I WANTED TO LIVE ON MY OWN TO HAVE A CHANCE AT LIFE????? DOES GOD HATE ME??? (I don't even believe in god.. but I feel profoundly hated..)

I'm genuinely in fight and flight. I am in pain that I can't describe. I really don't deserve to live. To even my parents.. and to society

I'm so genuinely exhausted. Being alive feels so impossible rn. I wanna get in my bed away from the world and rest forever. I can't even communicate with myself or feel like myself. Like a whole person. Breakdowns all the time and physically preventing myself from hurting myself and others. My parts don't understand each other. I don't understand myself. Constant suffering

At least I'm very sure I dealt with cptsd parts before. Not sure about the rest

I want to give them their pace and space. They're not bad. I know they're just hurt. I don't wanna force them to stop or give up their ways before they can.. but we are going to get harmed if this goes on. Although I don't wanna force them to stop; that makes them feel worse

They keep repeating things like that they are not heard (I try to connect with them but it doesn't happen), and I know we can't force that, we can't force them feeling like they're heard and I understand that. And i understand it doesn't happen overnight even if I could connect..

They want [us to self harm impulsively..or kms impulsively].. and break our phone or important things we need.. usually important stuff

So I don't wanna rush it or force connection or any behavior with them.. yet I can barely physically restrain them when they're about to hurt us.

Please be understanding, kind and compassionate of BOTH of us in the comments. I won't tolerate disregard of any of us

لو اشتغلت tutoring online

ادرس لغة لاجانب .. ادرس عربي او انجليزي او ياباني

او اعمل اي حاجة بلغة مع أجانب

لو اشتغلت tutoring online

ادرس لغة لاجانب .. ادرس عربي او انجليزي او ياباني

او اعمل اي حاجة بلغة مع أجانب

When I'm not getting help and can't help myself and fearing death and people don't realize how badly I'm struggling so I show vulnerability publicly or online so people can see the magnitude more clearly..

Is it okay to tell people I need their help and maybe cry in front of them or show online that I'm depressed as opposed to hiding that, as a cry for help?

Am I okay and normal or am I an "attention seeker" and possibly manipulative.

I mean yeah.. I am seeking attention. But I don't think that's a bad thing. I think I deserve help and not to die or be on the street.. but I feel so ashamed and embarrassed and have no idea if I'm doing something that's shameful or not. Like "wrong" or "pathetic" or lying/manipulative/drama" .. idk I just feel some type of way

I feel like I'm doing a "sob story" .. but in a way yes I am.. I naturally don't wanna die..?

Should I show this side of myself to people basically? Should I be accepted with it? Or not

I feel I'm making myself look bad..

Suddenly they go silent.

Or they say generic ass shit like "I hope it goes well" or "trust it will be ok just find a job"

They don't see the problem. They don't offer me a place to stay in

I'm going to die anyway bc of homelessness..but there's also the mental turmoil of it

I feel like a failure.

I feel I failed to move away from abuse

Edit: can you fucking americans stfu telling me about my own country and its circumstances? Why are you acting like you know my country better than ME and talking over me only to then tell me it's my fault I'm in my situation???? Genuinely STFU y'all are worse than the people in my post you know that right? You come increasing my already existing suffering. I know you mfs are white

Do y'all leave no room for people in different circumstances than you talk freely?

Or should you be a certain level of "already good" or "already fixed" in order for people to give you grace and care about you as a person.. and not say you're doing your mistakes on purpose or not trying

Is trying not enough

Genuine question

I have no access to that part. It seems to hate everything

It usually has violent breakdowns when it's online. I try to reach it or help but can't. It really doesn't seem to want help.