Idk why but whenever I cry in front of someone, I really regret it later. Saying how I feel or crying or getting frustrated...afterwards I always think I should've just kept it together and played it cool. But nope, instead I cried or shouted or stormed off.

And in my defence, many people do sometimes use what you tell them in confidence against you when you have an argument with them later.

Eventually you just stop trusting people and start thinking, "Why even share?" If being honest or vulnerable can be used against you later on, then it almost safer to just keep everything to myself, even if that's not what I actually want.

i feel like i cant be myself, and this deep pit of sadness, when im in a group of people. tonight i had to leave a friends birthday party early, because even though ive known everyone there for years, i feel like an alien and just wrong. and if people ask if somethings wrong (because even though id love to have a poker face, i wear my heart on my sleeve ugh), i cant open up and say anything. i know WHY i do this, its because my mom is a POS and didnt love me properly so now subconsciously i feel like i don’t deserve love/care and like everything i do is wrong blah blah blah mommy issues blah. i want to get over this. when these feelings arise, i feel panic set in and i want to run away. or, never be in those situations in the first place. example again, tonights birthday party. a mutual that i hate was attending, and i was embarrassed to see them due to some embarrassing things i had done in the past and hadnt seen them since. instead of telling me to deal with it like an adult, my brain was screaming at me to just not go at all. not go to a good friends birthday just because some chud i hate is going. even outside of this specific group, i feel this feeling a lot. i also have issues with food which causes me a lot of anxiety in social settings, because people dont like people who dont eat. i feel empty, weird, and alien in social settings. and then i focus on how weird im being instead of just talking and having fun. i feel like im becoming a bit agoraphobic which runs in my family weirdly enough, which scares me.

I can’t help but feel my CPTSD is my own fault. Every decision I make in life backfires. Looking back at my CPTSD (which has been diagnosed back to my childhood), this pattern has always been around, but every new trauma adds to the difficulty of making future decisions. I went through my heaviest trauma of all a couple years ago and it opened my eyes to the fact that every single decision I make is a poor one—with good intentions and even more careful decision-factoring each time, mind you, and still every single decision makes my life worse. Now, after the trauma of a couple years ago, what was already a difficult time making decisions with ADHD, it’s basically impossible. I’m paralyzed. The confusing part is I see people making objectively bad and/or irresponsible decisions on a whim and it always seems to pay off for them. I try to be discerning and mature in my choices, and still, all failure. No amount of thought nor calculation seems to help. Every decision, no matter how significant or minuscule, feels like I’m walking over hot lava, just one step away from falling in and adding more trauma to my collection.

If you can’t trust yourself to make decisions without getting entirely destroyed every time, completely fearing that any next decision will be the wrong one because it always, always is, well…there’s just no living.

ETA: I understand making no choices is still a choice, but I’m sure many people who have been through trauma understand that making this choice sometimes feels like the only choice (or at least the one that has the best chance of protecting you from further danger and pain). I don’t even think of the future anymore because I know no amount of working toward my positive dream life will keep all the devastating disappointments from coming instead.

I’ve been trying to put words to something.
I want to be social, make friends, enjoy time with my family, and just be present. But a lot of the time it feels like my body holds me back. I end up watching instead of joining in, even when I genuinely want to.
I’m not looking for advice. I’m curious if anyone else experiences this.

If so:
What does it feel like in your body?
What do you find yourself doing instead?
How would you describe it to someone who’s never felt it?

I feel i get uncomfortable dealing with men of certain characteristics and i feel great guild and shame afterwards

How can i learn to set healthy boundaries and learn to be normal again

i dont use reddit vry often so forgive me if it isnt formatted correctly, i just need some advice. i have very few memories of my childhood, specifically when i was at home or around my parents. my dad is completely gone from my brain (he lives at home with me so its kind of crazy that hes just gone). i have talked to my therapist about my gaps in memory, but i always find it hard to because i dont... remember anything, and it doesnt seem like they'll ever be remembered, so for the most part ive viewed it as pointless and a unnecessary source of anxiety. i also feel a deep amount of embarassment for even bringing up the things i do remember, which makes it even more difficult. the main issue is that i feel a lack of closure, and as the summer keeps going on, my mind keeps coming back to the questions i still have, which has only caused me more distress than just talking about it with someone. i cant keep avoiding it, but to find out how to approach it. if anyone can give me advice i would appreciate it greatly.

Hello. I would like to preface that I don't know if this is trauma or just me being a wuss. But I was put in a friendship that went south quickly. I will not state my age but I am a minor. About 3 years ago now this girl I will call K joined my class. My friend who I will call A befriended her and made our friend group be nice to her. I was an anxious person then, still am. And we slowly became friends and as time went on she got more comfortable and started to insult me once saying along the lines of how I was 'as big as a planet' and that I 'took up a square of a 4 square court' and I was dealing with body issues then and still am. Which made me feel hurt. Also once this year, I made a joke and she punched or slapped me, I don't remember well. But either way yeah. But I did something on a video call which I don't agree with at all and she videoed me without consent or knowledge and when we started to fall apart threatened to post it online to ruin my reputation as she was leaving our school. And now later she has tried to reach out and I blocked her again. She has made me afraid of group chats, calls from unknown numbers, which I wasn't before, texts in group chats, texts from anyone on snap, notifications, leaving my home, and every time something like this happens I feel like I'm gonna throw up and cry. So I want to know if I'm traumatized or just being a dramatic wimp. Thanks. Edit: I forgot to mention that she spread lies about me and talked shit about me behind my back and made herself the victim when all I did was say that I didn't like her. So yeah, also the video is not sexual, it was about a classmate

I have seen statistics of how common childhood sexual abuse is, and it is honestly insane to me.

Specifically, though, I'm wondering about a certain dynamic: Is it really so common for children to be abused by an adult they know (or know-ish), rather than a stranger? And is it common for it to be a repeated thing, and not just a one-time incident?

No matter how you are sexually assaulted or abused, it is very bad and should have never happened. I do not mean that other ways of sexual abuse are lesser at all, but I am just wondering about this specific type. Is it really as common as the statistics say?

I am 17 years old and have been diagnosed with PTSD.

I grew up in a severely unsafe and abusive household involving domestic violence and long-term trauma exposure. There was serious physical violence between my parents, and I was repeatedly exposed to frightening and unsafe situations as a child.

My home environment included:

• Ongoing domestic violence
• Emotional abuse and instability from caregivers
• Situations where I felt responsible for protecting younger siblings
• Early exposure to adult trauma and emotional burden placed on me by caregivers
• Manipulation and coercion within the family system

I now have no contact with my parents and live in a safe environment. My siblings are also living separately, and I currently do not have contact with them, though I hope to reconnect in the future.

Current symptoms and impacts:

• PTSD diagnosis
• Strong emotional distress when discussing past trauma
• Feeling “overwhelmed” or physically flooded when memories surface
• Fear that good things will not last or will be taken away
• Tendency to shut down or withdraw from things I enjoy
• Hypervigilance and feeling responsible for others’ safety
• Difficulty imagining or trusting healthy relationships
• Mixed emotions toward caregivers (love, anger, grief, confusion)

Current status:

I am currently physically safe. I am trying to understand my trauma history, manage PTSD symptoms, and work toward emotional stability and recovery.

[removed]

Hello, I (25F) have spent a big chunk of my life entrenched in traumatic events.
I was born with ocd, I was abused physically at 13 around the same time my parents decided to stop parenting. From there it’s extreme ocd, isolation due to my parents, online grooming, sexual assault, got stuck in a kinda Christian cult, emotionally abusive, every friend I had for a decade was self harming graphically, and a world of being taught terrible terrible mindsets and ways of looking at life due to the Christian teachings and creeps normalizing me to things on the internet and quote. I broke out at 22 to try and leave Christianity got in a plethora of fights with my parents hit while trying to learn to be a normal functioning human and start changing all theses awful things I was taught. Got stuck in the worst abusive relationship of my life at 23 and got out at 24 where my mother is now trying to be a parent is taking care of me and paying for my therapy..
I am taking amazing strides put in that context, I have a part time job I love, I can socialize healthily and connect to people, I don’t cope in bad ways, I’m learning to find myself and my interests, i’m unfortunately sick a lot due to all the stress, but that will get better in time, and I’m looking for a ptsd and ocd therapist.

But I how do I live? Granted maybe this is living, but i wouldn’t know since I haven’t known a life outside of survival. I feel younger then my peers god do I feel younger then my peers and I know how to due adult things and handle adult problems but I feel like that’s not synonymous with feeling like an adult. I feel in this weird terrible void of learning to be a human for the first time due to all of my trauma and learning to be an adult. I don’t have good education or health and I feel like I’m a baby in the world of people doing adult things I don’t know how to join in, I’ve missed a lot of life and now a great situation has landed on my lap and I don’t know how to manage it. I find myself wishing I was younger so it’s make more sense in context my being lost.

After so much trauma how do you live and especially starting in your mid twenties?

Continuation of my previous posts — https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/s/bfY6VMRhd2

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/05VrGYikRa

I know everything he did was abusive, controlling and manipulative. My therapist told me. I know it mentally.

But I don't feel it from inside my body. I don't feel the anger. I don't feel the abuse enough to take action or get out of it or move forward from him. My body shivers when I think of him, there's a knot in my stomach.

When I posted here on reddit, everyone told me it was abuse. I cried. But it felt like crying for a third person. I felt bad for her. I didn't feel that it was me.Like something so traumatic happened to her. Because everyone is saying it and it sounds bad.But I can't feel it as my own experience.

If anyone has felt similar way, can you help me with-

How do I feel it?

How do I feel it enough from inside to actually move forward?

How do I feel that it was not right?

What is the fastest way to heal through multiple things including family trauma, relationship cheating, heartbreaks,abuse, financial problems, career instability, suicidal trials and a lot more ?

so today i was curious i wanted to know what 4chan looked like. Pretty boring at first then i clicked on "adult gif" or something like at i totaly expected nsfw s€xual content, so i scroll for a bit click on some post ect...The site was so confusing and boring ig.

Until i clicked on a post/picture with a guy in it and he was covered in blood, his face kinda crushed ? eye outside his skull and some hole in his head. 2 or 3 person were filming with their phone and the guy seem to scream in pain. first i tought "wtf is that ? It’s suposed to be Ai slop and naked plp" Then i realised i couln’t tell if it was real or not ? Im still so unsure i mean it looked so real it was creepy. i tried to find the source of the video but i only found more disturbing vids. Some were def fake other i don’t know there was a video with shitty quality of a guy getting beheaded, another of a man in a field (quality kinda bad) riping the skin of a body part ? there was a foot.

I wanted to repport the vid but i didn’t know how so i deleted my historic and just watched a funny YouTube video.

And know i have to go to sleep in 2 hours and i have no idea on how to feel ? like i feel nothing im fine ?? But i also feel that something is wrong it’s so weird. please for those who know more about 4chan than me, do you think the video was were real ? Is it normal to find this kind of stuff so easily ? i really feel weird. it was a stupid things to do

So I'm 25f lesbian. I'm currently undergoing some health investigations regarding the downstairs department. I need screenings, which involve penetration. One is planned in the doctors office, the other likely at the hospital.

So what I've come seeking is some advice because I'm panicking and can't figure out the answer on my own and could use some input.

I was offered, as everyone is, to have a nurse present when my gp does the scan. I had already mentioned about same sex partners as asking about sexual health was necessary to the conversation. She stated herself she was comfortable to do it without a nurse and the decision was down to me. I said I would be fine with it but now I'm questioning it and have been in an on-and-off anxious spiral over it.

The trauma comes from school mostly, and a little from my current workplace. After being outed to the school, I was forced via peer pressure and belittling to stop using the changing rooms. Even before I knew I was gay but knew something was different, when I was in the changing room I'd have my eyes on the floor until I got to a corner to face while I got changed. Because even when I didn't fully understand myself, I still wanted to respect those around me. But it quickly became accusations of perversion.

Now, I don't blame the girls I was at school with. At that age, (12-15), almost all of us unfortunately were victim to male perversion at some point. Middle school was a definite with the male teachers walking in and out mid-changing daily and yelled at any girl who said they were uncomfortable. We were always told these things happened because of how we dressed, or looked, or acted, or spoke. That we were enticing male attention through being too attractive. So to an underdeveloped mind of children, they don't know better, and they do believe its attraction rather than perverse men being perverse. So when they encountered a girl in their space who was also attracted to girls, they felt I would be the same as those men. So I don't blame them one bit. But it did leave me with this horrible feeling deep down after years of this that there was something dirty about me for my sexuality.

I face it at work sometimes. Female colleagues accusing me of being attracted to them and spying on them (I literally only used the changing room once with the only other queer person in the store at the time, who was fine with it.) (they're also old ladies. Like sorry but no thanks.)

And after one of the teachers in middle school who was openly lesbian was done for grooming the girls, it just felt finalised to me. I was dirty for being who I am.

Now, I know deep down I never did anything to anyone. When I did have a partner I repeatedly got consent before doing anything and if she ever told me she didn't want to continue, I stopped immediately. I have never laid a hand on someone without asking them first. Not for a hug, or a handshake, or a tap on the shoulder. Nothing. I know I haven't done anything.

But that feeling stuck around.

And now I feel like... maybe I should ask for a nurse to be in there to prove safety to the doctor. Because it's her safety on my mind. I wouldn't do anything to threaten it. But maybe it would be better if she had someone else at her level to be there. But then I'm also thinking, am I always going to do this? It won't be the last medical exam I need, will I always need someone there to not panic and feel like a monster for having something done purely out of health concern? That part makes me feel like i should do it without a nurse and prove to myself I'm not doing anything wrong.

Either way... I'm struggling with this decision and I could really use some outside perspective to help me. It's my decision to make and no one can make it for me, but having some people's opinion on the situation would really help me become firm in the decision I end up making.

TYIA.

I’m a mom with a 4-year-old (with autism) and a 2-year-old. We were very close with our former daycare lady and her family, especially their daughters who are high school and college age. They felt like our main support system since my mom died by suicide years ago.

Last month, I was sexually assaulted by daycare lady's husband. I took a leave of absence from my teaching job. It's triggered some trauma from past sexual assaults. He lives nextdoor and we said hi one day when my kids dressed up as princesses. I wore makeup and a nice dress for the 1st time in months. 20 mins after we drove off, he called and said i am beautiful and he has always wanted me. We had barely talked over the years so i was shocked. I panicked and wanted to make sure i was clear about not being interested, so I went outside when we got back to naively try to shut it down. Stupidly, we ended up alone in my garage. He was approaching and I said "no, I just want to talk. Stay there. Whatever youre interested in cant happen i love your family." He said it would be a secret and he always has wanted me etc. He held my shoulders so i couldnt move, kissed me, took my top down, put his mouth on my chest. I got away by saying i saw a dog out the window.

I told my husband that night. The guy denied it first then admitted some of it but called it a “misunderstanding.” Daycare lady texted me to ask to keep things the same as before, but I said i needed space and we haven’t talked about it since that. A few times we ran into eachother outside and made awkward small talk. I know they told their oldest daughter some version it
I dunno if we should move to a different house or even if my decision to choose the neighborhood school closeby was the right choice for my preschool aged daughter. I dont wanna be reminded every time I go to my garage. If we move, where is my kid going to school in the fall?! Should i get it over with now to find a new school community before elementary school stage to start fresh? I'm too burned out to begin researching schools all over again.

My brain tells me maybe what happened wasnt that big of a deal or I overreacted. Also, we actually bought the house they live in to help them find a new place to live a few years ago. They had a bad living situation before so they were renting to hopefully own some day. We have to either wait till their lease ends in Dec or force them to go sooner. They would prefer to stay of course. I know I could've called the police on him but he is the breadwinner for his family and I worry about things like what if his daughter has to drop out of college to make ends meet for their family? Another worry is their safety as they are an immigrant family (undocumented). My brain loops worst-case scenarios like them getting detained by ICE etc.

How do you stop a brain from nonstop looping? How do you make decisions when you feel responsible for everyone? How do you handle cutting ties with kids involved? Would you move or stay? Keep their daughters in my kids' lives with boundaries in place (like only visits at our house) or just let it all go?

Todo este tema es un poco extraño pero yo tampoco entiendo muy bien nada. Yo tengo bastantes traumas de la adolescencia, muchos miedos y tal. Hace unos años y cuando empezó la época en la que yo me "volví" un poco guapa todo empezó a ser súper raro, el hecho de ligar, hablar con alguien, quedar con alguien, besos, XX... Todos esos temas, como empieza una relación básicamente. El problema comenzó con esto y con como reacciono y me comporto con estos temas. He hablado con diferentes chicos estos años, no había llegado más lejos que hablar con todos ellos y por redes sociales. Este último año sí que he estado hablando más con uno, he quedado con él, nos hemos llegado a dar un par de picos. El problema es que todo esto me produce un miedo irracional y ya no es sólo el hecho del miedo si no que hay algo en mi que no me deja hacer ciertos tipos de cosas. Nunca he llegado a tener nada sexual pero al llegar a la parte de besos (ni siquiera hablamos de líos si no que solo hablamos de picos) siempre hay algo dentro de mí que entra en un pánico in imaginable y que hace que no puedo dar ese beso, por alguna razón. Me puedo imaginar que con el tema sexual pues voy a ser incluso peor. Pero esto me desconcierta mucho. Al principio cuando comencé a quedar con este chico llegó a haber un pico y una primera quedada para tomar algo y cuando llegué a casa tuve un ataque de ansiedad muy muy extraño. Soy una persona con mucha ansiedad y soy bastante insegura de mí misma pero creo que esto no tiene mucho que ver y creo que el problema real es que tengo un trauma. Llevo muchos años pensando en que tengo un trauma que no soy capaz de identificar y a veces me da miedo y no lo entiendo. Es posible que una persona tenga un trauma del que no conozca absolutamente nada o la remota posibilidad? Mi mente olvida las cosas cuando hay un hecho traumático para mí (de forma un poco heavy la verdad) entonces hay algo ahí que me hace creer que puede llegar a ser un trauma... Espero que podáis ayudarme aunque sea a entenderlo

back when i was around 4-5 years old my niece, L at the time was around 7-8 years old used to touch me inappropriately. it would happen at random times and i just let it happen because i didn’t know what to do, until one day we got caught and then our family talked about it and we didn’t see each other for a couple of days and then we all just kind of moved on from it. after i turned 9-10 i started to do the same what L did to me to my younger brother ( G) and then shortly stopped after realizing what i did and what she did to me was SA and a horrible experience that no one should ever have to go through. i have been feeling guilty all these years to my younger brother he was 4-5. earlier my older sister came up to me and ask if my niece L said anything crazy to me, and then she said when you guys used to be close did she ever tell you that \[Older brother (K)\] used to touch her. i told her no and she shortly ended the conversation but i can’t help but feel so bad , bad that she did it to me because K did it to her and i turned around and did it to G. and honestly thinking about it now, i don’t think L is lying. i remember when we first started doing it and while she was french frying me i asked her where did you learn about it and what are we doing. she told me i think along the lines of “i seen my parents do it before” and i think she added “someone did it to me before as well” but i honestly can’t remember. i feel so bad me and G are kind of close i mean he pisses me off so bad but i still play games with him every other day he isn’t angry at me or anything but i wasn’t with L either until i understood what she did to me now i carry it on my back and to my now relationships when i try to get sexual. what do i do? advice? do i just stay quiet and let everything unravel? is she lying just for attention ? i know that’s a really bad thing to say but if you knew how her dad ( my older brother ML) and his wife acts you wouldn’t believe her either i mean her life and her other siblings has been very difficult. switching from homes to homes, being homeless, not being able to take showers, or eat decent food , and your parents smoking weed 24/7 instead of getting a job to help support the family . i mean what if she got the story mixed up and it was someone else? idk what to do and i don’t know how to think anymore i feel like my mind is blown.

Würde mich interessieren, eure Gedanken dazu zu erfahren