r/traumatoolbox

So it's been almost a year since my last relationship, and I haven't been able to form any deep connections with anyone since especially in that manner. We dated for almost two years and I would've given the world to him with nothing in return. I have been in relationships in the past where the other party wasn't faithful but it never really effected me much and honestly same with this one. Once we parted ways nothing has really been the same...its actually better. I got my own place, good job, started nursing school, and body is tea. I just can't get over the feeling that people don't like me as much as i like them, and if i ever do express my feeling towards them it will be held over my head. In a, " you cared so much even though I didn't", kind of like I hold value and you don't. I have felt this way with almost every person I have meet since the breakup and it hasn't really bothered me because it keeps my peace. My issue is I met someone new and I want to tell him how I feel and take down this wall, but this idea I have makes it so hard. I literally cry thinking about the thought of my feelings being held over my head, to the point I feel sick. I asked my friend about what she thinks about my ideas and she feels it is a normal response to liking someone new, but we have the same trauma just different founts. I came here to ask for more opinions on the matter, and maybe some tips on how to go about coping with it.

I’m looking for a residential rehab program in the LA area, dual diagnosis involved so the mental health side needs to be treated properly not just noted at intake and forgotten. Main thing I'm trying to figure out is which programs here structure treatment around individual therapy, personalized, actually taking into account my trauma and experience.

Everyone says "individualized care" so that phrase is useless at this point. Trying to find people who have been through a program here and can speak to what the individual therapy frequency and consistency looked like day to day.

CAN ANYONE RELATE??

I thought I'd tell part of my story—firstly because I am at a time in my life when I am finally trying to set myself free, and secondly, because I hope it helps anyone who can relate.

My mother wasn't always bad and negative; she could be warm, loving, generous, kind, and supportive. This is why I was so confused.

I was given days off school at the age of eight under the guise of it being a treat, only to find myself sitting on the sofa consoling my mum's bruised and battered emotions. She confided in me that even though my dad was violent to her, he would never hurt me. I felt her pain, and we cried together. My palms burned, and I didn't understand why.

Dad left when I was five years old, but he still turned up and caused problems. At around ten, I came home from school to find the police in my home. A female officer asked if I would consider testifying against my dad's violence toward my mother in front of a judge. I politely declined. To this day, I have absolutely no memory of what I had witnessed the day before.

I am one of four children. When I was around 11 years old, my eldest sister (who was about 12) was being verbally abusive to my younger 10-year-old brother. I told her to leave him alone. Before I knew it, she pinned me against a wall and headbutted me so hard my nose poured with blood. She regularly beat up my siblings. The next time she tried to attack me, I had to physically fight back just to prevent myself from becoming her next permanent victim.

There always seemed to be drama—fists through windows and holes punched in doors. I just don't remember my mum protecting us. Maybe she tried.

From a very young age, my mum told me I was an angel. She told everyone how special I was and insisted we were so close. She confided in me about the abuse she received from my dad and her emotionally cruel parents, never sparing any details—including how my dad threw her down the stairs while she was pregnant with me. I felt the full horror of what she had been through. She was a victim, too.

I literally thought that if I bore witness to her pain, I could somehow take it away from her. But I never could.

As I got older, I was called selfish for wanting to do my own thing. There were many phone calls of emotional dumping where she would say, "You are going to listen, whether you like it or not." She would pour her heart out about her depression and loneliness.

When I was in my teens, I told her I wanted to work for a charity. I was told, "Charity begins at home. You can start by looking after your sister." My sister was three years older and extremely mentally unwell with undiagnosed schizophrenia. She had been violent when I was younger and remained completely unstable. I felt too guilty to work for the charity, so I didn't.

At 21, I married and left home. The phone calls remained frequent; she wanted to be included in much of what I did. If she felt she wasn't being met, she would often lose her temper and be verbally abusive, only to call back, apologise, and be incredibly sweet. She could be lovely—buying me nice things, taking me on trips to Covent Garden, and taking me out for meals. I guess I was just good company.

My husband witnessed me in tears regularly—tears of hurt, guilt, confusion, and rage. He finally wrote her a letter asking her to leave us alone. She screwed it up into a ball and threw it right in his face.

Over the coming years, we had our good and bad times, but the verbal attacks and needy demands never stopped. I was trapped in a cycle: her emotional attack, my angry defence, and then intense guilt fueled by her accusations that I wasn't doing enough. She would rage, followed by complete silence for several days. Then came the relief of her finally letting me off the hook with: "I'm sorry, can we still be friends? We love each other so much. I don't like it when we are like this. I love you."

I received regular phone calls while I was at work, where she would be having panic attacks or just emotionally unravelling. Again, she wasn't always bad, and in my mind, she was a victim who deserved understanding. I didn't realise just how completely I had become the parent.

I used to think I tolerated her behaviour because I loved her and was an empath. But looking back, I knew from a very young age that I had to keep her safe. Without her, I felt I would be annihilated because there was no one else to protect me.

I knew this was toxic, but it wasn't until many years later that the toll caught up to me. I became hypervigilant, constantly agitated, depressed, anxious and fearful. I felt intense guilt just taking a holiday without her. Finally, following the recent death of my lovely sister, who was just a year older than me, I reached total burnout. At the grand age of 58!

My mother now has the beginnings of dementia, but I choose to navigate this next chapter at my own pace, on my own terms—with me being my own priority.

CAN ANYONE RELATE???

It took a lot to write this. Please be kind when reading this. I still care about my mum, despite everything, and don't want a barrage of hate. I just wanted to reach out for a little support.

To anyone who is going through any version of this, I ask you to please do whatever it takes to look after yourself. Get support and don't doubt yourself. You know your situation is toxic, and it can even be life-threatening. You deserve more, no matter what you've been trained or groomed to believe.

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I'll start by saying that I have *very* shitty memory, especially when it comes to early childhood. Likely from having undiagnosed ADHD, Autism, anxiety, and depression.

I was bullied pretty heavily in public school up until I began homeschooling after the 3rd grade ended. So that trauma may have blocked out a lot of memories from that period?

I digress. I *do* have some vivid memories about my dad making me cry, or just feel horrible for what felt like reason.

Examples:

1. I was reading a book, and he asked if I was drawing. He then went on a rant, saying "You can draw and draw and draw but you're never going to get that good. There's a point where you can't keep improving." (paraphrasing a bit). I ended up crying pretty hard and then didn't show him any of my art for years. I vaguely remember him apologizing, but I don't remember feeling like it was *genuine*.

2. Threatened to smack me if I kept forgetting things. He didn't, but I remember cowering in fear after forgetting some detail because I was freaking out so bad.

Some less serious ones but I still remember:

3. Told me he didn't want to go to the play I had worked really hard on learning all my lines, even though none of the other kids did.

4. Saying if I ever ran for president, he wouldn't vote for me because women shouldn't be in office.

5. He's the only one in my immediate family that doesn't know I'm a lesbian. I haven't told him because he's *very* openly homophobic.

I don't remember him yelling at me, or blatantly insulting me. But I still don't feel comfortable telling him anything, being alone with him, or just showing him things I'm proud of.

He's done a lot of great things for me and my siblings. He built me a workshop a few years ago, let's me still live at home even though I'm well into my twenties.

Maybe I'm holding on to old resentment, and letting that effect me today. What should I do moving forward?

Before I say this, I want to say I’m really ashamed of this so please no judgement. I am putting a trigger warning just in case because there is some potentially triggering content here.
So since I was, I don’t know, 5 years old? Probably younger, to be honest, I’ve had almost an addiction to masturbating. When I was 14 years old, I started watching porn and became addicted to that too. Not only that but I’ve also just liked being sexualized, since I was 13, I’ve always had that, and I’ve always had very dark fantasies.
The fantasies involve things like getting raped and beaten, and I feel so horrible for having these when people go through that every day and it’s horrible, I know it’s horrible. Sometimes I wish that it would happen to me just so I would stop fantasizing about it, or if it did happen at least it would be more understandable. But I’m so sick and twisted for this, I know, I’d give anything to make it stop.
I also just put myself in dangerous and toxic situations a lot, I literally used to leak my own address online when I was 14 just because I wanted to be blackmailed.
I don’t know what was wrong with me but I loved just putting myself in those scenarios. I was also very depressed and suicidal at the time but I don’t know.
I haven’t had any severe trauma. I don’t remember most of my childhood before the age of like 10, it’s in bits and pieces, but the only trauma I have from then is there was some pretty bad emotional neglect going on.
I also got groomed a lot on the internet around when I was 13, and just got sexualized a lot by older men, and that is around the time the fantasies started so it could be related.
But I’ve never been sexually assaulted or abused so what right do I even have to have these?
I’m so sorry if I’ve offended anyone with this, please know I actively feel so much shame and guilt for this and I want it solved. I seriously want it gone, I just want to be normal and have fantasies about good things like normal girls do, what kind of sick person has them about things like that? And I don’t know anybody who has such horrible fantasies to the same level I do.

Hey everyone 17M, I need perspective on a horrific experience I just had with an underqualified therapist.

My Situation:I live in a highly toxic household where I am the family scapegoat. My mother constantly screams at me, causing severe emotional abuse and narcissistic trauma. I am highly analytical, and my goal is to safely leave this house.

Session 1: She was very nice. When I said my goal was to leave the house, she acknowledged how bad things must be. Afterwards on WhatsApp, she praised me, saying: "You are very insightful and very intelligent... I'm looking forward to hearing everything you have to say."

Session 2 (The Switch):I came in ready to dive into the real trauma. Everything completely flipped. It turns out her actual qualification is an Educational Psychologist who handles school reports and study skills. Because she was out of her league, she panicked, raised her voice, and took her anger out on me.During the session, she: Explicitly told me:

"No negativity and no complex terms."

She hated me using precise psychological vocabulary because it threatened her authority.

Drew a pair of binoculars and told me to look at my abuse through a "positive lens."

Demanded I "write that I'm grateful for having food" (basic survival).

Blamed me, called my trauma "excuses," and told me to stop blaming my family.

Told me to stay at home and "grow to be better" (telling me to tolerate the abuse).

Her clinical advice for severe trauma? "Just go boxing."

Demanded I send her my academic school reports, treating me like a child.

Also said I was playing the victim

And she kept cutting me off when I was trying to speak

I left with my self-esteem destroyed. It felt like she repeated the exact screaming and blaming dynamic my mother inflicts on me. i want to cry after that session 😢

I was molested at 11 or 12 by a cousin. I was just in rehab best one I’ve ever been to. I was working on childhood problems that were the root of my problem, being abused by my father physically and emotionally being put in juvenile detention for a year and a half for his drugs really took a toll on my growing up. Being molested made me feel like I was not a man. So acting out and looking for the bad crowd became my thing. Being put in juvenile detention made me have to grow up to fast. Enough of that 34 years later I decided to tell my mom that was a mistake she told me I was big enough to take care of myself and it’s my fault I’m like what the heck are you serious. So many feelings washed over me at that moment all I wanted was to explain why I started making horrible decisions all my life

Asking for

I am looking for retreat recommendations - worldwide. It would be great if it is trauma informed but does not have to be trauma specific as I am getting treatments from my psychologist for PTSD etc and don't really want other people digging around too much in my mind. I just want to go somewhere safe and decompress that doesn't involve yoga! Somewhere in nature is a bonus. TIA

I have absolutely no idea how to write this so I'm so sorry if it's messy.

I'm 16 years old and mentally unmature. I struggle so badly with so much and I'm not taken seriously.

I'm in a loving home. I love my family but my life is so shit. I'm obese for my age, I run my mouth and fuck up friendships, I'm a lazy piece of shit and my brain is constantly running.

I just want a hug. A big hug and told that I'm okay but I feel like I can't go to anyone to hug.

I'm jealous. I'm so jealous of seeing my old friends get these partners that love them. I don't know if that's just me being a cunt or from me being sexualised so much from older men on the Internet.

I don't know what to do. I feel like no one is there.

Someone please just tell me that I'm not a bad person.

I don’t really know how to explain this without it sounding dramatic, but I feel like I’ve just… hit a wall.

I graduated high school in 2025 and im 19 at the moment , and ever since then it’s just been nonstop. I went straight into working full-time, switched jobs, got let go, started studying again, tried to fix my grades, studied every day for months just to fail an exam because of things that were honestly out of my control. And now I’m here.

And I’m just so tired.

Like, I function. I eat, I sleep, I take care of myself. I’m not self-destructive. From the outside it probably looks like I’m doing okay. But all of my energy goes into just staying afloat. There’s nothing left after that. No motivation, no drive, no clarity.

And I think part of why it’s hitting me so hard now is because I never really dealt with a lot of things I went through growing up. I was bullied for years, and I went through experiences in my early teens that I now understand were abuse and grooming. After that, I ended up in more unhealthy and abusive relationships. I also lost a friend to suicide during high school, and I don’t think I ever really processed that either.

I think I’ve just been in survival mode for a really long time.

Before, I was always busy — school, work, something. Now it’s quieter, and it feels like everything I’ve been through is just catching up to me all at once. It’s like my brain is going “hey, remember all of this?” and I don’t know what to do with it.

I feel so behind compared to everyone else. People are starting university, moving forward, having plans. And I’m just here, stuck, not even knowing what I want to study, let alone how to get there. I don’t even have the grades I need right now.

And I think what hurts the most is that I’ve never really had a break. No real summer off, no time to just breathe. It’s just been go, go, go — and now my body is forcing me to stop whether I like it or not.

I don’t know if I need a break, or if I’m just falling apart.

I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong, or if I’m just exhausted.

I just know that I can’t keep pushing like this, but I also don’t know how to slow down without feeling like I’m failing.

If anyone else has felt like this, like you’re technically functioning but completely drained and lost at the same time .

I’d really like to know I’m not the only one.

whenever my father raises his voice at me I always burst out crying. I don't know why. I don't even want to, but i always happens. He always raises his voice whenever he's mad, even if he isn't mad at me, I can't help but be scared the second it happens.

can someone tell me why this happens? I wish I could stop but I'm seriously scared of my father, even to ask small stuff to him.

I often told my psychotherapist about this issue I have, and he even apologized to me. but the it just keeps repeating

I am 17M now, and I just remembered this memory that just resurfaced from a long time ago. I was in first grade, maybe even younger, like kindergarten. Anyways this kid was bullying me calling me names and stuff nothing crazy and I told my dad who told me to fight him I didnt fight him I dont remember why i think there is a chance i just didn't even see him but I probably should have fought him I went home and just told my dad i didnt fight him idk why he got so mad i think he was drunk but he pretty much locked me out the house and it was night for i dont remember 20 minutes? Maybe an hour? Back then, my dad had a serious drinking problem, but he actually managed to quit drinking. He is still an egotistical, abusive asshole, just not murderous, and can have his nice moments. anyway. I remember how I cried at the door until my mom arrived home from grocery shopping, and then she let me in. I was just thinking about my emotions when this memory emerged, and then I just started crying for a bit. I don't know why it was kind of funny at first, but then I just started crying.

Genuinely asking guys, I am doing therapy and taking medication for anxiety and depression… Trying my best but all of this is tiring especially nightmares and flashbacks during day time.

I’m curious whether emotional triggers actually lose intensity over time or if people just become better at managing them externally. Like does the nervous system itself calm down eventually?