u/plftrm934

I was abused growing up in my household, and I'm starting to notice that I have toxic behaviors I learned from said abuse. I scream and say horrible things when I am upset, I have episodes where I feel so much rage that I don't know how to stop, and I have even gotten violent during said episodes. I also have bipolar and CPTSD, and am actively taking medication, but it doesn't seem to be helping. Growing up, I learned that the only way to express my anger was through violence, and as an adult it's extremely hard for me to change that. I feel so ashamed because I've been in therapy for almost a year now and I'm still like this. I am almost 20 years old and I am still stuck in the trauma of my past, and I find myself not taking accountability for my part in my strained relationships with my family.

Whenever I am sad or angry, I immediately blame things on my trauma and my family, and I don't acknowledge that it's my responsibility to heal and not become an abuser myself. I also act immaturely and refuse to be an adult about things, which isn't okay at all. I have hurt so many people I love because I don't know how to let go of what happened to me and I refuse to emotionally regulate when I am upset.

A recent example of my toxicity is that I got into a horrible fight with my mom a few days ago that resulted in violence, which was my fault. I was triggered because she mocked me and called me a victim, as well as told me that I was just like my father (both our abuser.) I have been called a victim by my father and my mother for many years of my life whenever I expressed how the trauma affected me, and it resulted in years of resentment and low self esteem. When my mother told me that, I lost it and couldn't control myself. All of the anger, pain, and resentment that had built up because of feeling like she didn't protect me back then just exploded and it was so much that the only way I responded was with violence.

My mom won't speak to me anymore and I am so ashamed of myself, because even though I was triggered I should have never reacted the way I did. Again, it's my responsibility to regulate myself and heal, and I failed to do that, which is exactly what my dad does too. I don't want to be like him but I fear I have picked up so many of his toxic behaviors and tactics that I have turned into him, and now instead of taking responsibility and changing, I justify my actions because of the pain I have experienced. I'm scared that it's too late for me to change and that I will end up losing everyone because of this. Maybe I shouldn't be coming to the internet for this, but I want honest advice because I need a wake up call.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, with an abusive father. I had known my whole life that the way my dad treated me, my mom, and my sister wasn't normal, but it took me 19 years to acknowledge that it was actually abuse and I wasn't being dramatic. This is because whenever I'd call out my dad for his extremely violent and abusive behavior, I was told by everyone that I was being dramatic, that I was a manipulator, a liar, and a victim. I was gaslit by pretty much everyone in my family, despite my mom and sister witnessing and experiencing said abuse, and was made to feel insane for acknowledging that our family dynamic wasn't normal. It wasn't until I finally found a good therapist my first year of college that I was able to be away from my home environment and fully process/admit that I was in fact a victim of narcissistic, verbal, and sometimes even physical abuse.

There were many instances that happened with my family, specifically with my dad, that I will never forget. When I was 16 years old, my parents found out I had been intimate with my then boyfriend, which resulted in an explosive and violent screaming match between us. I went back to my room at some point and hid in my closet because that was something I often did when I was afraid to be around my family. I also struggled with self harm at the time, and because I felt like the fight was my fault, I wanted to punish myself. After I hid for a while, I went back out to apologize to my parents, but I heard them screaming at each other because my dad said something horrible about me that my mom said she would take to the grave. My dad storms out of his room and I keep asking him over and over what he had said because I didn't know it was that bad, and we somehow ended up back in my room, along with my mom. I was crying and screaming at him to just tell me what he said while my mom pleaded with him not to, until eventually he got so angry that he told me, "You want me to repeat what I said? You should go hang yourself. See if I care." I remember feeling like my heart literally shattered hearing my father say that to me, and although it's been 3 years, I still think about it every day. Again, there were other times my dad hurt me, such as charging at me with a mirror, screaming in my face two days before my high school graduation that I'm an ungrateful little shit and that he should die whilst hitting himself repeatedly, and neglecting my needs.

I had always thought of my mom as the only person in my family who understood me and was there for me. I struggle with a lot of mental health and self esteem issues, and my mom does too. I've also always been bonded to her not just because of our shared struggles, but because of the empathy and kindness she showed me throughout my life. I want to assure that I am so grateful to my mom and I love her so deeply; I would not be me without her. But after lots of therapy, I can't help but notice how much she played the role of the "safe parent" in our family. After my dad would hurt me, my mom's way of comforting me was holding me while telling me he didn't mean it and that all I have to do is wait for him to not be angry and apologize when the time is right. My mom would often tell me that it's "just the way he is," and that he won't change no matter how much I want him to. I also feel that my bond with my mother oversteps the boundaries of a healthy mother daughter relationship. I notice myself seeing my mom as more of a best friend rather than my parent. We bicker like siblings, and she tends to be codependent on me.

What hurts the most is that my mom established herself as the safe parent/safe haven for when things got too much with my dad, yet I realize that she actively participated in and enabled the abuse. My mom would watch as my dad punished my sister and I, would sometimes put her hands on us, and would "teach" us how to deal with my dad's behavior and what not to do to get him to that point. I understand my mother was also a victim of my dad's abuse; she has lived a very hard and unforgiving life. I feel guilty for expressing all of this, because I never want it to sound like I blame my mother for everything that happened. I don't want to paint my mom as a terrible, abusive person. Experiencing repeated abuse for a long time changes people in the worst ways, and it's only until you're out of that environment when you see just how much it affected you. However, I was so angry at my mom when she sometimes wouldn't protect us, when instead of leaving and taking us somewhere safe, she would give us tips on how to walk on eggshells around my dad or teach my sister and I what to say to Child Protective Services so that we wouldn't get taken away. Sometimes I prayed that my parents would get divorced and my mom would move my sister and I with her someplace else, and we wouldn't have to be around constant violence and dysfunction. My mom would always tell us that she wanted to leave and keep us safe, but it never happened.

It was only until I was 18 and my sister was 19 and in college that my mom finally left my dad, which then felt too late. I was a senior in high school at the time, and my mom offered for me to go with her and move back to her hometown (Texas), but I selfishly didn't want to uproot my life and be alone for my senior year. I also stayed behind because despite the way my dad treated me, I love my dad and was worried he'd be lonely and have no one. After my mother left, my dad started to treat me even worse, and I often felt like her replacement. I would tell my mom about all of the suffering I went through, and my mom would immediately remind me that I had chosen to stay behind and not come with her, which made me feel like the way my father treated me was MY fault. I grew resentful of her because I had felt so abandoned and blamed for something that wasn't my doing, and our relationship has become strained since then.

Like I said earlier, I feel an immense amount of guilt and shame for saying this about my mom. I feel dramatic and like I'm a liar even now. I know this is quite the lengthy post, but I wanted to know if what I'm saying makes sense or if I just sound crazy and it looks like I'm blaming my mother. Again, that isn't my intention, and I deeply empathize with my mom and what she went through. I just want to know if anyone gets what I'm saying, or if I'm not the only one who has these conflicting feelings about their family. Any thoughts?