u/Hungry_Ghostt

I can't believe this is fucking happening to me again. Just as I was finally making a statement at work, proving my worth, and deeply understanding the domain, offering fixes I get triggered and now FOR ONE WEEK I have been fucking DEAD. I can't believe this is happening. I'm juts dead. It's all panic and disassociation and hot flashes and fight or flight.

I have trauma regarding masculinity. I'm a COWARD. I'm scared of other men. Confrontations trigger me. Every year I get triggered like at least 3 times. But this time the trigger came from a very unexpected place

I was hanging out with my only friend, woman, 10 years older than me. All of a sudden she says smth like, you know if it wasn't you, I'd never hangout with a guy who doesn't pay the whole bill when we hangout. It shows that you're not masculine and have low testosterone. But you are just not socialized, so that's okay. I disassociated immediately, started having hot flashes, and started staring at one point. She realized and starting endlessly telling me how im a great guy, how she appreciates me, etc etc. I didn't hear any of it. It was all muffled.

I come home, cant fall asleep till like 5 am. Then I wake up and everything is destroyed. The deep fucking knowledge I gained at work is gone. I'm panicking. I started just not working and playing video games all day. Stopped cooking. My whole life gone.

This was supposed to be my star week at work. I was supposed to finally prove that I'm not there by accident. I'm just so tired.

It's my first soulsborn experience. Heck, it's almost my first video game after not playing for 15 years! I defeated the Beastman of Farum Azula after 50+ tries. I've got to level 26, 20+ HP, got the claymore in castle morne. But yeah, I've been smashing my head against Margit for the past 3 days, 150+ tries. Got him down to ~5% a couple of times, but it's not consistent, mostly I lose at 40-60% range. I dont just want to go level up to level 40 and come back and destroy him. I want the challenge.

My concern is that I'm not learning that much. Like I can't observe and remember his moves and combos, my brain just doesn't work that way. I'm just playing on instinct and dodging move per move, without seeing the bigger, birds-eye view. I also get way stressed and after a couple of tries my head is throbbing. Do I just suck? Yeah I don't use summons or magic because I want to learn the core mechanics of soulsborn combat and killing him with a summon would just not feel good to me.

I kinda just got tired and depressed yesterday, so left the tunnel for the first time in 3 days and wandered around a bit. Came across the Bloodhound knight. He tore me into shreds maybe 10 times. So I just gave up.

EDIT:

I do love exploring the game and I'm not trying to speedrun it at all. I think the game's world is fascinating. I literally stumbled upon Margit and just got hooked/stuck.

I have explored the south, a little. That's how I got my claymore. Delivered that letter to Edgar etc. I had no plans of fighting the main boss or whatever, I didn't even enter stormveil through the main door, I stumbled upon spirit spring and realized im behind the walls

I have put almost all of level ups into vigor except for bringing strength up to be able to use the claymore. I'm level 26, 6 health flasks (+1), +4 on claymore.

I have a brass shield and i wanted to use it with the claymore (because i thought it just looked cool), but my stamina is too low and it puts me into heavy roll

Bugün bir 4 saatımı bu melodiyanı tapmağa sərf eləmişəm. Ağlımdan çıxmırdı amma tapa bilmirdim. Scott pilgrim olduğunu düşünmüşdüm amma rəsmi soundtrack listində yox idi. Sən demə legend of zelda-nın soundtrackidi Scott Pilgrim-də yuxu sequence-ində istifadə olunur. Scott Pilgrimi sevənlər var yəqin sub-da, onlar xatırlamış olar musiqini

Salamlar gaming laptop almaq istəyirəm və ikisi arasında qalmışam. Göstəricilər:

1. Lenovo Loq 15AHP10 - 2300 azn. Ryzen 7 250, 32 ram, RTX 5060, 1 TB SSD, 15.6" FHD 144Hz ADAPTYVE SYNC

2. Asus TUF A16 - 2500 azn. Ryzen 7 260, 16 ram RTX 5070, 1 TB SSD, Ekran 6.0" WUXGA IPS 165Hz ADAPTYVE SYNC

Asus TUF-un görünüşü daha çox xoşuma gəlir. LOQ-un metallik rəngini sevmirəm, həm də Asus-un qapağı aluminiumdur, LOQ full plastikdir. Amma LOQ-un ən yaxşı bang-for-buck budget laptop olduğunu oxuyuram bir çox yerdə.

Nə düşünürsüz?

I know this isn't jazz, but man, this harmony has lived in my head rent free for the past 2 days. And that "i" (root minor) chord that appears halfway through the progression... it's like a stab right into one's soul

I'm an early 30s software dev in Baku looking for actual friends that i can grab drinks with or just walk and talk. I'm deep into jazz, hip-hop and soul (amateur musician), spend way too much time on chess, dabble in continental philosophy (Hegel, Lacan, that rabbit hole), and im a leftist. Speak English and Russian. If any of that sounds like you, hit me up.