u/Playful-Treat-1131

literally have been possessed by the ”manager” and I’ve referred to him as Noname for months now and he’s been helping me for YEARS but my therapist says she can’t engage with naming them? then there’s the inner child and i swear I’ve turned into that child before when I’ve been triggered but she says that’s the ”firefighter” and i hate these labels on them and for the first time today I had to visualize a space and call them forward but that makes no sense, I only turn into them, or their thoughts come to me and try to possess me, when I am incredibly triggered and it’s a shameful difficult thing—why should I call them and speak to them like they’re circus monkeys when they’re not here to befriend me but keep me safe?

furthermore (and this took years for me to figure out) parts aren‘t real (and real at the same time). there’s just a wall of dissociation stopping me from recognizing my own thoughts and feelings when I’m dysregulated. caused by fear and panic. when I’ve been triggered wandering the streets noname has literally told me “yes I’m you, and I’m taking care of you because you can’t do that right now. we’re in this together.” so why should I talk to my parts when they’re just trying to protect me? they don’t want to be seen! it’s dysregulating searching for them! I hate and don’t understand IFS. I’ve been dealing with this for years on my own and then this therapist comes along and tries to give me all these concepts that don’t align with my internal experiences. I just don’t get it and would appreciate advice.

I realized that my mushroom / acid phase was dissociative in a way not many people have experienced

my little would come out a LOT when I tripped. I had no idea. thought it was just the mushrooms.

my protective part would scold me a lot and guide me into sitting down and to stop overthinking the trip. I used to take very high doses. anything less than 4g bored me. the second time I ever took them I took 8 gram, and relived my entire life and died over and over again. He’s very mad at me for tripping so much and so irresponsibly. when things broke down, too, and I lost all sense of knowledge of the self and the world, he’d tell me to sit my ass down and just experience everything, that I was in too deep to do anything else. When I saw the pure energy of the universe and flew through the space of all creation too. We did it together.

I have a new therapist who tells me that she’s been diagnosed with every thing I’ve been diagnosed: DID, BPD, OCD, Bipolar 1, mdd, gad, substance use disorder and she says it’s all just cPTSD. She’s going to take ayahuasca soon.

I hope I can trip again one day soon. With all the parts in alignment. Just a matter of rebalancing our brain chemistry first.

can anyone relate?

sorry mods if this is the wrong place for this

clinical director at work indirectly called me gifted today. I say indirectly bc I have too much trauma to be seen as who I am directly by the people I love. ex I recited ”tell all the truth but tell it slant” to my supervisor once when I told her I know that she sees me, I told her “I like being seen indirectly.”

I have BPD, adhd, autism, ocd, been diagnosed with bipolar 1 in my past but really I’m schizoaffective. I also have DID bc of the trauma I went thru all my life, and I’m a drug addict in recovery. 9 months ago I relapsed, overdosed, and almost died. long story.

ive been dealing with this insane brain for 13 years, refusing medication all that time as a fight against labels for a mind I felt I had the right to investigate (I am now medicated—i am finally satisfied with all I have seen, felt, and thought all these years—long story) and somehow at 29 i finally, at work, found people who speak like I do, indirectly, always looking for the intentionally hidden deeper meaning underneath surface level conversations and communicating through symbolism and projection. and he called me gifted.

I always knew I was intelligent but you spend your whole life poor and abused simply for being yourself, it takes a long long long long long time to find someone who sees you, really sees you, bc you only know how to express your true self indirectly, you know? takes special and bright bright bright people to see.

thankfully i had books. and I learned to read people too from a young age; it is a sad thing to look back and see that even as a kid you knew your dad hurt you bc he had a hole in his heart, and you thought he hurt you because you were bad because you knew he wasn’t the bad one — he was doing his best with what he had.

the little kid inside me almost bawled when my clinical director called me gifted.

it makes me wonder about all those gifted children who lack the resources to thrive; when one is unseen for so long, they stop existing. It almost happened to me.

the child part of me was freaking out saying that our father molested me but then the protective part was like “no you have no idea if that happened or not and worrying about it won’t solve anything bc you have no proof or memory” and I drove 8 hours to a national park and spoke with the child and protective part in a way I never had before it just came so naturally but now back in the city it’s all muddled and nothing makes sense and Im the ones who’s fronted for so long I can’t let go of the control but the protective part wants to front more but theres no trust between me and him, he’s mad at me bc of my drug abuse causing schizophrenia, yeah, I’m newly accepting that I have schizophrenia as well and it’s all so much like I’m navigating what’s been psychosis and what’s been dissociation it’s been 14 years of fucking chaos and I’m so lost I don’t know if I can make it

she was groped and no one cared. they think apathy is the same as spirituality and I tried to speak up so many times but they told me im no better than the person who groped her bc we’re all alcoholics. they didnt do anything and my friend was raped many times as a 6 year old so she was triggered and relapsed and they just kicked her out. and then she died of overdose a year later. i was harassed by so many creeps in AA, and I have my own sexual trauma and dont know how to tell people not to touch me, but my body language should be enough for people to see that I’m uncomfortable but it’s like they don’t care…almost died because of AA. i was groped too and it took me two years to realize that I had been groped and as soon as I realized, I fled that place bc i knew no one would help me.

it’s been over two years since my friend died and I still feel raw about it. she was 5 years younger than me. we were both trans. We both suffered from psychosis. We both had hallucinated our parents watching us while we died. We both were failed as children and adults by authority figures many times. she had been homeless for 9 months before we met in rehab. I was 25 and she was 20. she was my baby. I bought her food and clothes and I took her to the beach and we would run around the sand in our underwear. one day she told me that she saw all I had done for her and that she trusted me. i wish I could hold my baby again.