r/recoverywithoutAA

Everyone talks about the first 30, 60, 90 days like that's the finish line. And yeah, getting through detox is huge.

But nobody warned me about the part that comes after. When you're technically "doing well" but you don't know who you are anymore. The drugs were your whole personality, your social life, your way of coping — and now what?

I've been in long-term recovery and honestly that middle stretch — rebuilding an actual life you want to live — is the hardest part nobody talks about.

Curious if anyone else experienced this. How did you handle the "now what?" phase?

So I’m dealing with alcohol, weed, and nicotine addiction and its bad like bad. I’m currently in the hospital trying to get sober but I’m craving for alcohol and weed rn. Can someone please give me tips and make me not go back to this painful sick nausea life

Was pacing my in-law’s basement, watching my daughter on her monitor, waiting for her to put herself to sleep for the night. The basement has a bar. I found myself looking at the shelves, reading the labels of the alcohol, looking at their collectibles and baseball memorabilia, realizing I never allowed myself to observe what their bar looked like because it was “off limits” for me. I’m sure at early times in my sobriety, this was helpful.

Many of the bottles are open, poured from, half empty. A thought came in, “You could have a drink and nobody would know.” Another thought, “Am I going to drink?” Another, “Is this how it starts?” “Do I need to go back to AA?”

The reality is I’ve had these exact same thoughts throughout my 9.5 years active in AA. The thoughts are nothing new but my circumstances are. I don’t have much experience staying sober without a program, without a sponsor to call and “report” my thoughts to (We are only as sick as our secrets) and a meeting to attend so I can take out insurance on my next drink.

Alcohol isn’t a mortal enemy. It can be dangerous when used disorderly, but it doesn’t have to be cordoned off. It isn’t something I’m interested in being scared of, at least not so scared that I can’t even look at my surroundings. I don’t know what my relationship with alcohol will look like and I don’t care so much. I am focused on clearing up my thought processes.

TONIGHT (and every Sunday night) at 5 pm PT / 7 pm CT / 8 pm ET All are welcome to join us: https://meetings.smartrecovery.org/meetings/6873

Rocky Horror Intro: https://youtu.be/n-E7k61Gy1w

Join the Minnesota SMART Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/share/QdKJEFZraqj3TXY5

hey, i am not sure if this is an appropriate subreddit to post this in but i am very lost.

my boyfriend has recently gotten in a bad coke addiction and has suicidal thoughts in correlation to it. we have been dating for 8 months now. he used to do coke once in a while but it got to the point where he would do it every time he drank (which was every weekend and many weekdays)

he has been sober for a few weeks but still gets very bad cravings and gets depressed and angry. to help he started drinking heavily and while he cut down it is still bad. i don’t like when he drinks and get quiet when he does, which made the situation worse and made him drink more because he thought i didn’t like him.

i am trying my best to help but it feels like anything i do is taken badly and may be ending up making him even worse. when he calls his friend during withdrawals they help and he laughs and talks to them like normal but when i try help he gets angry at me and says i don’t understand how he’s feeling (which i know i don’t).

i have also suggested he should go to a meeting or call anonymous support lines but he is refusing.

having to deal with this has made me feel so drained and scared everyday because i don’t know how the next day will be. i feel guilty for feeling this way when i know he is the one with the problem.

does anyone have any tips of how i can help and what works to help an addict? i am terrified of losing him but i have never been in this situation and have no clue how to go about it.

I’ve lost 28days of my life in rehab aka summer camp for imbeciles. I’m staring down the abyss of financial ruin, housing insecurity and “they” say I’m ungrateful, self centered, and I need to be patient. No! My life is ruined! I’ve lost enough time (which I know is my fault) to meth. I don’t even understand why I am quitting meth when I have to wake up in this dystopia. You took the only way I could cope and tell me that now everything will be fine! Just be patient. I hate therapy, i hate rehabs, I hate how people talk about using substances. Drugs are not the problem; it’s this heartless society.

i’ve been trying to be sober for about two months now. i’ve had a few slips here or there-smoking weed a few times and one half glass of white wine. nothing truly bad happened during any of these relapses, i simply felt a little high/drunk for two hours then fell asleep. when i told my sponsor about the last relapse (half a glass of white wine), they told basically told me that i am not willing enough and “maybe you need to go out and have something really bad happen before you are ready to fully commit to this program.” maybe im being too sensitive but i felt like this was a really callous and ridiculous thing to say because, ive already experienced a lot of negative stuff due to my use and don’t want to experience any more. I don’t want anything worse to happen and feel like this comment was a real slap in the face.

i want to be sober but this experience has really soured me to the program, this sponsor and the general attitude and evangelism of many in the program. I’m not sure how i should proceed.

My bf (28M) is fairly unhealthy unless I cook for him but he also takes his supplements I buy for him on his own. He vapes nicotine heavily day and night, and in turn sleeps terribly. He’s also fairly inactive and unmotivated lately. However, he is in recovery from opiates and doing great on that front, which I’m very proud about.

We’ve been dating for a year, he’s three months into recovery and on Sublocade and an SNRI. He’s fairly inactive and seemingly unmotivated and lazy (which I can’t tell if this is the real him or if it’s the two meds he’s on affecting him, or if it’s post-opiate withdrawal symptoms). He sleeps a lot during the day as he sleeps poorly at night and he watches a lot of youtube. He also reads and has part-time work that he does great at and gives his all. He is a supportive partner and loving but I find myself wanting more out of him and love when we do things together, but also understanding that recovery is a process and hoping this is a phase caused by his meds and poor sleep. I love to see him motivated and excited about life but a decent amount of the times, he’s just tired and a bit flat.

BTW I am in process of seeing a therapist for all of this.

I (33F) value health (physical and mental) so this disconnect has been something hard for me to deal with with him, as I want him to sleep deeply, have adequate nutrition, etc. so that he can have a better functioning life and a real chance to stay off opiates for good. I know it’s maybe unfair for me to overwhelm him with my concerns during this fragile point in his life, but it’s really hard not to ask I am fully aware of how everything we consume or not, has a direct impact on health (I.e. vaping causes poor sleep quality, dopamine dis regulation, affects the gut, adrenaline, ADHD, testosterone, etc etc.)

I usually present these facts by sending him screenshots, or bringing up in person gently, or at times not so gently. His response is sometimes receptive, sometimes defensive, sometimes, dismissive, sometimes quiet and pensive. But he likes to remind me that he’s still fresh in recovery.

I give him supplements to hopefully offset some of the effects (mitigate risk) of vaping and for overall health. Who knows if this does anything. But I feel a bit better thinking it can, but ultimately want him to want to quit or cut back on his own one day. But honestly it sometimes feels like that day can’t come quick enough. Esp as I’m older and looking towards the future with him and weighing pros and cons, essentially.

But then I feel guilty or crazy once I talk to other people about my concerns and they respond with \~”give him grace right now as he’s still so fresh in recovery and be patient.” Or “vaping should be the least of your concerns right now. Him staying off of opiates should be paramount.” I understand this theoretically but usually land back in the same place of worry about his general health and how it’s all connected and him having a chance at recovery would entail him cutting out things especially like vaping that really rewire his dopamine circuits and all that kind of thinking.

My question is: what the hell do I do or don’t do to A. Maintain inner peace while also B. help him make the changes in a way where he wants to (extrinsic motivation turned intrinsic)? I feel like this occupies so much of my days—worrying about his health and what kind of future we’d have together if things don’t change, and wanting him to want to do these things on his own (essentially, wanting him to be a different person concerning health, mental and physical), and worrying about his sleep, his organs, his libido, his nutrient absorption, all of it!

TLDR: my (33F) bf (28M) is unhealthy but also in opiate recovery and doing great on that front yet I’m still concerned about his general health as I know it is all connected and connected to the chances he has on staying off opiates for good. These concerns about his health (esp his chronic and heavy nicotine vape addiction), consumes far too much of my mental space so what can I do to protect my inner peace while also helping him help himself?

Nowadays people think of sober as being a nonuser. AA long ago put the term “sober” out there.

But check a dictionary. The original meaning of the word is dull, boring, uptight - words like that. It all goes with AA’s religious roots in the Midwest. You are being punished for a moral failure and must wear a scarlet letter on your head forever

I think it’s entirely counterproductive. When you tell people you must be sober the rest of your life that’s scary - never again? Even at my daughter’s wedding? I think better wording is you have committed not to drink because that’s better for you. And you don’t have to be dull. That’s AA’s culty stuff again

Anyone have a better words or phrase?

I stopped taking 7oh on May 8th this year. It was an extremely expensive and horrible habit, and I ran up every single credit card in my name. I’m looking at over 30k in credit card debt. I don’t even make enough money to make the payments. I don’t know what to do at this point. I regret this shit so much. I don’t want to file bankruptcy as I’m only 29. I have no idea what to do, I have to pay for my son to eat and that’s my first priority. Don’t ever touch this drug. Thank god I’m clear headed now and I am comfortable enough to pay for necessities like rent groceries and bills and car payment, but I’m stuck on the credit card debt and I feel like I’ll never get out of it. No more 7oh, but I’m stressed to the point of my hair falling out in chunks. Don’t touch it.

TL;DR: Meeting happens very close to a place where weed is sold, so I don't wanna risk going.

---

In our town, 2-3 different groups have meetings on different days.

Tuesday and Saturday's meeting happens at St. Josephs, and yeah very close to there you can buy weed.

I generally don't have money, but that weed is so incredibly cheap that I can afford it.

I was told by a chair that I must come to every meeting in early recovery since there is a high chance of relapse...

But I don't think risking it is a good idea, I'll just go another day to another place.

But I used to use it every Saturday evening, so I'm having a really hard time right now, I don't know what to do, maybe I'll order monster ultra as some sort of substitute?

I don't know, I don't like the idea of substituting, because that has caused me to stay stuck with the substitution, sometimes along with the substitutee :/

Whatever, caffeine is I suppose more acceptable than cigarettes or weed...

God!

I think a lot of AA people are boring by choice but even aside from them a lot of sober people just seem to experience a boring life and are boring people, I've had some of them confess they even prefer it that way. But I feel boring right now and I hate myself for it.

To be clear, I don't think all sober people are this way. I've never been the type of person that thinks you need alcohol to have fun. I'm not even the type of person that thinks I need alcohol to have fun. But right now alcohol might let me experience fun. Or a drop of happiness. Or just relief.

There's fireworks going off. A place nearby does their fireworks on July 3rd so tonight is the night for parties. I can hear the neighbors having fun, probably drinking. Maybe not. I don't even want a drink. I don't have the energy to even want a drink I'm just miserable in how fucking boring I am because sobriety just means no escape from my boring fucking mental illness.

They say it happens to everyone but I never wanted it to be me.

I relapsed terribly yesterday and am too scared to detox on my own.

I currently jobless and have no insurance or money.

I live in Houston.

How do I find a detox program that can help someone in my situation?

I am so close to giving up.

1,000 days sober today!

Just had to tell someone!

Left AA a long time ago and still have no desire to drink. ODAAT😉

Life is so much better and I have moved on from the self flagellation of AA.

I no longer need to “share my story” as it is not part of my life anymore.

For anyone struggling, please keep at it and don’t give up.

It CAN be done without AA, believe in yourself.

Have the best day possible, I will!

I've posted here before about my experience attending a meeting with my clients as someone who myself is over 5 years sober. I work in a live-in treatment center for youth with a range of substance use issues, along with which come the ever-linked social, emotional, cognitive, functional, etc. issues frequently tied to trauma, poverty, and familial abuses. In sum: I did not feel good about taking those kids into that room.

Fast forward to today: myself and my coworkers are talking about issues we've observed as frontline workers within our non-profit organization's treatment model(s). My one coworker, the only other staff member in recovery, remarks that it's ridiculous that she is not able to take the kids through the 12 steps and that XA principles are absent from our programming. Keeping in mind, this coworker encourages the kids (with compelling dynamism) to attend NA meetings off-site and is the only staff member who accompanies them to these. She is "in the rooms" herself and, despite proporting to accept biopsychosocial models of addiction and the use of evidence-based mental health supports, consistently demonstrates cult-like thinking around XA's superiority while exhibiting baffling defensiveness (she is otherwise regulated and generally self-aware) when faced with any views remotely contrary to her own.

This coworker and I are friendly and she is aware of my academic and professional background in substance use science, as well as my personal journey through recovery without any formal interventions. What ensued was a long conversation wherein she insisted I do not know what I'm talking about regarding XA, that my case is "an exception, not a norm", and that the harms I personally experienced in XA during an early foray into recovery are invalid—a result of "individuals and not the program itself". I prefaced the conversation by noting that I do possess biases regarding XA, and I did my very best to remain diplomatic while expressing my concerns, yet I felt like I was being given a condescending sales pitch and talked at for half an hour about how XA may not be the only way but it's undoubtedly the best and most effective way and anyone who can't see that is in the practice of "condemning without investigating".

Now, my coworker is incredibly charismatic, boisterous, and compelling; she admitted herself that she's very difficult to argue with. I enjoy debating but am rather soft spoken and conscientious, and I felt pretty fucking anxious and uncomfortable during moments of this conversation. I can only imagine how someone less prone to critical inquiry (say, a traumatized teen with addiction issues) would fold under the pressure. My coworker recited the 12 steps for me in a manner uniquely suited to my own proclivities as if I'd never heard them before, and played to my penchant for empirical evidence by highlighting the anecdotal nature of my experiences (as if I had not presented them as my own anecdotal experiences) followed by grandiose statements about how XA "saves so many lives" (as if I had not stated five times that I'm glad it helps the people who it helps).

The conversation wrapped with me 1) promising to read the Big Book so I can form an apprised opinion, and 2) stating that I would offer up the same level of critique to any program that was being presented as the gold standard of SU treatment, and that I believe the implementation of any method into our adolescent treatment program deserves careful examination and sound ethical and procedural considerations. She then said, "Well the ones we're using don't work!" and I reminded her that this is the very sentiment I was expressing to stir up this conversation in the first place.

She just could not get past this need to spin my concerns as a purely personal vendetta against XA, and I fear that she's too closely invested to ethically deliver care to our young clients without bringing in an air of coercion—even if we did find/create a nuanced way to introduce the 12 steps into our program as an option. She is liked by the youth and they want her to like them; when she doesn't like you, you somehow feel like a loser idiot who can't look their own shadow in the eye. I hate to say it but I do feel that this "god complex" (so called by another coworker in reference to her) is a result of XA thought patterns and hierarchical recovery paradigms. She is the loudest person in the room and she's always got a catchy one-liner to solve a complex issue. I do admire her in many respects and I care for her on a personal level, but she makes me nervous the louder she gets in the workspace, and management functions (or doesn't function) such that I feel like they would also cave to her whims.

I mainly posted this to vent my frustrations, but I'm also looking for suggestions for how to respond to someone like this in a way that maintains my own sense of responsibility to my field, as well as one that honours my personal experiences in recovery. It would be far, far easier and less emotionally taxing to just agree with her, but I can't do it in good conscience.

Thank you if you read all this, and thank you all for sharing your own experiences so that I feel I'm not so out of line criticizing this model.

I was 2 weeks sober from alcohol and cocaine yesterday. The first few days, I slept a lot. But since then, I constantly feel this weird mix of hyper and exhausted all of the time. When I do sleep, I have the most disturbing dreams and wake up exhausted. How long did this last for anyone else?

...and I so badly want to fall off the wagon. Summers are hard. Holidays are harder. Stressful life events are hardest. Right now I've got all 3 going on and I just want to forget everything and dance and sing and laugh.

But I can't because that's a slippery slope to a month-long binge and going off the rails.

I've never been in a program or to a meeting, I also have bipolar and when one of my medications started having extreme reactions to alcohol it was easy-ish to quit. I'm not even on that medication anymore...but I know I can't do moderation. It's a proven fact. I also feel like I have very little support and I thought about trying a LifeRing meeting, but I chickened out at the last minute.

I did a year of AA and got sober, then left the program. I want to relapse because part of me feels like my drinking was caused by mental health issues and lack of coping mechanisms. I am in a way better place now through therapy, psychiatrist, and fixing my family relationship. I want to drink again, but AA has put the fear of god in me. I’m scared to relapse and start all over again. Be in the same position I was in before. But, I feel like I am missing out on so much being young and sober. I would love go to a bar and drink with friends. Or share a beer with my uncle. I wish AA never brainwashed me because now I just think low of myself. I don’t know though just venting.

Yeah so this is kinda aimed at fellowship type recovery but also there are other type of communities in my area which give off this fake vibe. It’s toxic. I swear they all hate each other, one minute best friends the next hate each other. Gossip about who’s relapsed, people almost get off on it, people they once associated with or were deemed friends. The next is looking down their noses at those who’ve relapsed or maybe just left the meetings. I hate it man. I guess one may call this post contradictory.. am I doing the same here? But I just feel unsafe in those environments. Not everyone is bad. But there are a lot of snakes in the grass and I hate this toxic positivity and everyone’s best friends when none of it is real? I am a bit scared because I myself am checking into detox and rehab next week. And it’s a 6 month program. So I just hope I’m going to get through it as I don’t want to be in recovery for the rest of my life. I want to get sober again but I have other goals and things I want to pursue other than sit round in meetings all day. So how do I recover without becoming part of the problem. I don’t need 100 fake recovery friends. I’ve got friends, some in recovery but the real ones are just I hate to say ‘normal’ people. Not addicts. And it’s refreshing. I don’t want to be sat round talking about addiction for years and years. I want to move on eventually. As I feel that a big part of my relapses are staying too long in these circles.

It makes it inevitable because people always commenting how ‘well’ you are. It’s always projection. People commenting on other people. Exhausting. Just move on with life. Yes addiction is hard, yes coming through it is hard. That is acknowledged. But we don’t have to be these victims of society that need the world to know how hard our struggle is all the time. We can fit in with normal people. We can do normal things. We can associate in places deemed ‘unsafe’ to recovery circles. And no I don’t mean crack dens I mean festivals, etc. anyway I just came to rant because I’m not even back in recovery yet and already tired
Of it and the fake ness of the whole scene.