Stuck in the loop - wanting sobriety, giving in every time
Hello!
I am a 25 F. ATX.
Recovered from a year long opiate addiction a few years ago. Have abstained from it since I got sober in 2022.
However, I didn’t really address the inner issue with why I tend to abuse substances. Immediately jumped back into nicotine & weed. Then dabbled with adderall & cocaine.
Adderall connection moved, forced sobriety but led me to rely on cocaine more. Slowly I developed a functional addiction to cocaine. I have a good/stable income, paying most bills on time, able to show up for work.
Went from a g lasting me 7 days, to a g lasting 2 days. This happened over a span on 3-4 years. I work an office job that requires attention to detail & focus. I use coke as a crutch at work, otherwise it feels like torture trying to focus.
With all of this being said, I am mentally lost. Stuck in this functional addiction while wanting to stop. I will have 1-2 days of sobriety between bags, usually because I binge (no control over use, I have flushed G’s because I know I will keep going) & a lot of shame and anxiety. I feel “normal” after abstaining for a day or two, then I have the great idea to get another bag because it would feel good and I can knock out work (convinced 1 more time, I can handle it)! Then cycle of shame and anxiety/depression continues.
I also hate the food cravings after being sober. I hate feeling puffy or bloated. Also—does anyone have bowel movement issues? I have only done coke intranasally.
I realized I let my emotions/mood run me. I don’t know how to handle emotions, I run/distract/ignore/numb them. I am a dopamine addict. Days where I am sober, I battle cravings, boredom, intense dysphoria.
I want to be able to feel joy in everyday life again. But when a craving or idea of relapse begins, I absolutely roll over and give in. It’s a comfort, I know I conditioned myself into this.
**Therapy is in the works, currently trying to find a match for EMDR, DBT, and substance abuse counseling.
Any shared experiences or options would mean the world. Addiction has caused a lot of shame & isolation, what has helped you overcome cravings and dysphoria? Was there a core belief or idea that helped things “click” for you?
- I need to remove all access to it. Luckily no friends or family in my immediate circle use “hard” drugs. However, I recently met a plug accidentally and we hit it off. We have similar pasts and great conversation. But he does have a lot of access & we do use together. He wants to stop selling and leave that behind, he wants sobriety for the both of us too. But I have a feeling I will need to say goodbye to him. It’s too easy to give in, and he hates telling me no. How do I navigate this without ghosting?