Meetings don't feel like they used to
Hey everyone,
I started going to AA meetings in late October of last year and haven't drank since, so it'll be 7 months next week. My alcohol consumption had been problematic for years even though I never drank on a daily basis. When I would drink (2-3 times a week), I drank in huge quantities, could hardly stop, I'd have blackouts almost systematically and increasingly put myself in danger. However, I never thought of myself as an alcoholic. I just knew that alcohol was making me extremely anxious, was an ongoing issue in my life (I'm 32), yet, despite multiple attempts, I could not stop drinking.
As I said, ever since I went to a meeting I haven't had a drop of booze, I actually quit drinking a week before going to my first meeting. I live in Paris, France so my experience of AA might be different from those of you in the USA (although I've been to a couple of meetings in SF and it wasn't that different from what I know.) I have to say that meetings have been, quite literally life changing. I think that it is mostly the feeling of meeting people who understand me, and that I understand.
However, for a while now, meetings have been bringing me down. It's not the weight of what's being shared, I just get a vibe that's uncomfortable but I can't quite put my finger on it. I've tried going to different meetings, but there's not much change. I think that it helped me break the cycle, but that I don't relate as much now as I used to. I certainly don't relate to the incessant talk about how you should live your life according to the program, and trust your higher power and whatnot.
I am working through the steps with my sponsor, but there again, a lot of it sounds like bullshit that we are somehow just supposed to accept.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is not very clear, I'm just writing as it comes, but yeah long story short, AA worked, but I get the feeling that as of late, it's become something HEAVY in my life. I am just scared that I will go back to blacking out every week-end if I stop going, so I'm interested in your experiences.
Thanks for reading, I wish you a good day.