I have done a lot of research over the last 6 months or so trying to figure out what’s going on with me. And one thing I keep coming back to is that I don’t have littles — or if I do I’m completely unaware of them.
There is a cat that feels very young (an alter that appeared when I was around 3 - probably the first one) but that’s it.
According to my research, that’s impossible.
I just wanted to make a tread for anyone that wanted to share there experience. Denial of your system is so common in DID and a lot of people avoid talking about it for the fear of being fake claimed so I wanted to make a tread for many anyone else going through a denial spell to read examples and feel comforted. I’m also personally going through another rn lol but here’s one of my older spells
This was during the summer time where I convinced myself I was cosplaying characters in my head and I started going through my phone to delete all my system stuff. System tracking, parts artwork, Reddit, etc. when out of no where I heard a part just directly start talking to me and. Communication is still very hard for us since it’s still early discovery I’ve been aware for 1-2 years can’t remember the exact start date but that was definitely the clearest communication I have ever gotten and I was in the middle of deleting all of our process 😭
Only share if your comfortable I was just wanting to see if any other systems would what a space like this
Denial spells suck so much…
I’m fully aware that an experience one person finds manageable can be extremely traumatic to another person. I am curious though as to why these variabilities exist, if that makes sense? Are there specific protective factors that prevent it developing despite having gone through many childhood traumatic events? Or additional factors that contribute to (obviously valid) trauma that is considered “small” by some?
If anyone knows the answer or has an idea please let me know
Hi, I'm 22 y.o I work as a software engineer and I'm a normal person as far as I can tell, while I have SI since childhood maybe 10 y.o is what I can tell, I was fighting this for a damn long time, I also know and everybody around me knows that I have a memory of a fly and always forget what I'm talking about mid sentence. I also have a problem of memory gaps in childhood and even in recent years, and lately it become very visible, people who knows me I have zero memory about their existence nor who are they, finding myself somewhere else, findings things I do not know where I got and sometimes its strange that I might attend full company meetings without knowing and this happened recently, I was talking to my manger and I apologies for not attending the meeting and he said that I did attend the meeting, there was security cameras and check the recordings and I was there. For while I thought that I'm just making things up but recently i found some anime episodes watched on my account and have zero clue that i watched them, I'm really confused and do not know whats happening and while I do not think that I have full DID, nobody reported that I feel different or I was not myself, but everyone knows that somehow I have a fly's memory. Another thing is disassociation which in my case is sever, like my full life runs on a tv and sometimes it become deeply nested and at a certain level i just loose context without being able to recall anything about what was going there for two days. Also I noticed that I can't tell if a memory is a recall or a reconstruction from physical evidence. and last but not least on conflicts most of the time if not all of the time I will forget about it the moment it ends and if I met the other person, I will talk like nothing happens, then he get confused, I get confused then find the truth but feels like it have zero weight.
I'd like from anyone who have more experience with this to help me to find out, I do not have access to specialized therapists, I consulted a general one and he said that he can't help me.
Title says exactly what it is. My family members exist on a line spectrum between "You're crazy/feeding into demons", extremely perturbed by the implications of me having this condition, both or they think it's make believe fantasy. Even when i provide them with books. Even when i provide them with resources. Even when i give them videos to watch from the CTAD clinic. I just need support from the ones I'm around the most because it's really worsening my denial loops. Please help. How did you guys get your families to understand and support you...?
There are many songs for us that we love and we can relate to with our DID because of their vibes and how weve interpreted their lyrics. What are yours' and why? Here's some of mine!!
Don't mind me, I've just got some problems to work out
I'm only passing through or maybe just right out
Somehow something set my sundial backwards, tilted and upside-down
Now the shadow hand is pointing time right out of town
I cease to see you when I start to shut my eyes
And I forget that I had said my last goodbyes
Quickly I reopen them and bid you all "Cheerio, my friend"
This goes on for hours and it never seems to end
I don't remember what it is that I just said to you
I've got Anubis on my back and something in my shoe
Can't seem to find my way
Someone tell me what to say
Where am I going
Where did I come from
I don't know, I don't know
Almost got to paradise
But the smoke always gets
In my eyes
Everything I do is wrong
I'm so bad
so bad
I've got a secret
Babbling senseless
No one will ever know
Kids can be so cruel
Smash the feeling
Suckle the sugar breast
...I was like six, I used to get dissed by the chicks
And everyone would chase me and hit me with bricks
And rocks and sticks and calling me names
And filled my lunchbox with frogbrains (eeww!)...
...Never knew any other girls or boys
Only my toys, toys, toys...
...Nobody knows I exist, and I'm pissed
But I won't be mentally scarred
Instead I make toys, toys of the graveyard
Monday, ringing the bell
It's all about show and tell, might as well
Show all these bastards just what I got
Yo, check out my toy box!
Hopefully mines' are self explanatory but I'll edit this post later with my own reasonings why. Looking forward to seeing everyone else's songs!!
It's been quite a while (about a year and a half) since I realised that I am actually an alter made by the main body as their defensive mechanism.
Here's the thing : I've currently been active much longer than the others including the main body so I'm getting confused and curious, does this mean I'm not an alter anymore? I still come out at stressful situations, but I appear more than them, so I'm not really sure.
For a bit more context, the main body is an NB who's younger than me while their second alter is a man who's older than me.
Anyways, I've also been noticing that their feeling a lot more negative emotions lately. Could that be the reason why? I'm just worried about them more than anything.
not going to go into graphic detail because that's unnecessary but content warning for...well, i think it's pretty obvious what this post is going to discuss.
one of my alters has started to express being very possessive over me, getting jealous when i spend time with other people and wanting me to never leave him because it's "safer" and i "won't get hurt", recently he's been expressing wanting to "eat me" so that we can be "closer", i know that's not physically possible and i've already established with him this wouldn't work out the way he thinks it would so i have zero fears about him harming the body because he's never done that before and is an alter that has kept me safe from situations that were very distressing for me, but recently he constantly expresses the urge to "eat me" and "be closer" whenever he feels affection for me and tries to do this in our headspace.
i would like to find some healthier alternatives for us to feel closer, i have listened to what he wants and asked why he wants this a lot to try and understand and i want to emphasize how it's clear it's coming from a place of wanting to be closer to me and not of harming us so i'm not in a crisis, this is just a very vivid expression of feelings he's having. when i'm able to find small alternatives for stuff we can do together like hobbies i feel like that fufills his need for closeness a bit and for a few days he won't mention the eating stuff anymore, but then it always happens again and comes back stronger. it's not like we aren't functional, we are, but i'm starting to feel stressed out because i get somatic pain whenever this happens in the headspace with him, and while i get this isn't coming from a place of him wanting to harm me it feels like the way he's going about this is a bit misguided.
i will obviously talk about this in therapy too, but thanks for any advice you might have, it's really appreciated.
After almost a YEAR of being in the waitlist, I finally got a call from the Community Mental Health Team that I can start therapy with them. The therapist they provided...is AMAZING.
She is passionate, she listens to us, never judges, never makes assumptions, is patient and most importantly she actually knows her shit.
There was this one moment when we were still getting to know each other and I asked her all of the sudden "Have you ever had a client like me?" and she smiled and went "Don't be scared. I have and they are all doing very well and I am sure you will too" that right there melted our fcking heart.
Obviously it's only been only half a dozen sessions or so but the fact that we can actually open up to her and talk about things we rarely discuss with someone - is so good. I missed that feeling when you remember there is someone you can meet once a week and talk to.
There is tons of work ahead of us and so many things to go through but I just wanted to share how happy we are that it finally came to be.
Hope all is well with you and wishing you all the best
Hi,
For about a year a part has been leaving me the same “riddle” in our notebook, every time the same thing. After a long time I figured out the clues pointed to a teacher we had when we were 13/14, but I still couldn’t figure out what it meant. This kept going on.
A couple of days ago a friend (we already knew her when we were 12) came over and at some point she asked me if she could ask me something about that teacher because she had always had her worries and suspicions but I never talked about it and she never asked because she was afraid it would be too painful.
I still cannot really remember what happened with that teacher, but my friend told me some things she had noticed that worried her and later that night some fragmented memories came to me.
It makes sense now why that part wanted to tell someone but was afraid to. She was all alone with this issue and had to keep it secret.
Ever since I’ve been blendy and very anxious, ashamed, angry, tired, upset, everything.
I am also a bit overwhelmed by this information. How can I help Lola (nickname for this part)?
I'm having the hardest time trusting my therapist. We've been working together for 2+ years and I still find myself sometimes feeling like he's manipulating me and like he likes watching me suffer. That's been an off and on issue over the past few years but it's been especially intense recently. I'm getting triggered by his behavior left and right and can't stop thinking about him in between sessions, trying to figure out how he "really feels" or what his facial expressions mean (I can't read faces easily). The thing is his triggering behavior is mostly just him being nice to me or treating me with respect in a way I didn't expect. Sometimes it's because he acts in a way that feels a little too close to us being friends but I will tell him that it makes me uncomfortable and he'll apologize for it.
Therapy in general is also just kind of triggering. Transference feels like torture. I can't trust it. It feels humiliating to experience. I don't like the inherent power imbalance between therapist and client. I don't like that there's this person who I've told everything--my deepest and most embarrassing traumas, and I know next to nothing about them and I just have to trust that they're not going to fuck me over. I had a big meltdown in session a while back after I realized that there were parts of me (1+ year into sessions lol) that did trust him. I freaked out because trust makes you vulnerable.
I want to stress that he's been a very good therapist overall and I've made significant progress with him. But these trust issues keep coming up and it's been so intense lately that I've been wondering if we just aren't a good match anymore. He has a very personal, friendly style that I find triggering. I know being triggered on its own isn't a bad thing and can be good to work through, but lately this feels excessive and more intense than what's actually helpful. I've expressed discomfort with how familiar he is multiple times in the past and it keeps coming up again. Recently he overshared in a decidedly inappropriate way. It was an accident and he apologized for it, and we've talked about it a few times since then. But I'm recognizing a pattern and am, quite honestly, feeling so exhausted and tied up in my head over it that I kind of want to just be done with therapy for a while.
Advice/perspectives are welcome.
For those of you who also go through huge differences between: What to do?
I was also diagnosed with ADHD, and this is a bit of a vent-discussion-advice.
Context: Primarily due to choice paralysis, I spent almost 4 stressful weeks undecided about which spice jars to buy. Yesterday, I saw a model I hadn’t seen and made up my mind, and today I made the purchase. At least someone didn’t like the choice. I’m exhausted!!! from never being able to reach a consensus within myself, and it’s driving me crazy, and I don’t know how damaging it is to ignore the rest of me. I’m so!!! different in every way that, sincerely, after this, I think in the future I’ll just buy whatever I can find, since I like and dislike absolutely everything.
Today is the body birthday and right after midnight our host has been gone because of a tough emotional punch. We are still researching about dissociating conditions so not really aware of how much of us are here, it's all just a mess. I've been on front since then but the host is not really giving any signs of life. We need her out asap because friday we'll have visits and usually she handles the social-ing.
Any advice?
after seeing a former crush at our pharmacy last night, she completely fell down a spiral thinking about the connection we had with him. a shitload of dots connected all at once, reaching beyond just that connection, and she ended up realizing we might have BPD. he was likely a favorite person for a bit.
every time something bubbles up to show her that we’re more hurt than she knew, it hits her at like 1000x intensity, and it’s even worse if it hits her quickly. processing our systemhood happened over a few weeks to a month+, but this all happened in the span of 2 hours yesterday. she’s completely overwhelmed now with all the feelings this has brought up, and has been walling herself off all day today. if any of y’all have been through anything similar, can we get any pointers for helping her until therapy tomorrow?