r/DID

We still have some baggage with each other even though we've committed to improving together and loving one another, something happened that really triggered him and another headmate was forced to front to talk with me. He never lets go of front (besides cofronting with said headmate sometimes) because he's terrified of letting go and hates sharing a body.

His headmates always apologize to me for being there and I've tried my best to make them understand that I want this, I want them to front when needed or even just to be themselves because from everything I understand it's good for them.

Previous incidents with alters fronting (especially one with an alter almost cheating on me) have made it difficult for both of us, but I'm ready to move on. He just isn't. We live in a conservative, less urban area and there aren't any therapists who specialize in this. It's hard.

I just feel lost. He struggles so much internally and I can't do anything. It breaks my heart. I dunno. Throw me a bone here, please.

Hello, I hope this sort of thing is allowed here, I'm just asking this question in this sub-reddit, because I do not think the context of my question would be taken kindly in a religious sub-reddit.

So, without going into any details, I am an alter that is religious, and while my religion is not a "real" religion in the world (I am an introject for context), I still find comfort in my religion. I pray to my God privately and greatly respect him all the same.

And while the religion is fictional, our brain has taken a lot of inspiration from Christianity in the way that the churches look and practices (for example, going to church on a specific day every week) are conducted.

My question is, would it be disrespectful of me if I attended a Christian church, but silently prayed to my own God to myself?

The reason I ask this is because there is a local church near us that looks a lot like the church I remember attending, and while I fully know that I am not my source, I still miss the routine of going to a physical place of worship, as opposed to doing my prayers in our bedroom. But I also wouldn't want to disrespect that religion, and of course I wouldn't say that I worship a different God to anybody that I would meet while attending that church, however I won't go if it would be disrespectful.

I appreciate anyone who could answer this and just let me know if it would be wrong/disrespectful of me.

First, I do not understand the internet so please forgive me friends. (I am Silver it is a pleasure) Long story short our host, E, got triggered from loud noise, a strangers touch and one more thing they refuse to tell us. So I am aware that this is very very bad. I am already bad posing as him. So all I ask is for your advice friends. It is a pleasure to speak with all of you (If this cry for help works). Ok bye bye

Recently I was very upset over a healthcare issue--just getting the runaround from insurance. It's frustrating.

Someone close to me kept trying to make light of it but I was really frustrated and it felt like they were making light of that, and making it sound like nobody else in America feels this way about health insurance. So I became defensive. (My bad, I understand that.)

But when they tried to keep talking about it later and I attempted to explain why it had frustrated me so much, they asked which version of myself are they talking to and then said they think my DID is in full swing.

That didn't make any sense to me because that's not what happens here. I'm in America--the land of the impossible medical insurance to the point where CEO's end up laying face down on the NY street if you get what I'm saying. Clearly I'm not the only one who is frustrated with medical insurance. (I'm not saying I would Luigi the guy. I'm just saying this is evidence that I'm not alone in my frustration.)

But this person kept saying it's because my parents didn't help me when I was younger and things like that--making it out to be that it's not just the crappy system we have in this country.

And somehow he related this to my DID?

Would you guys feel off after they said this to you? I know it's not abnormal for a close person to point out that they are seeing signs of switching or something, but in this case I felt like he threw it in my face that I have DID basically instead of listening to my actual frustration.

Been awhile since the last visit.

Had an event in May, that without the intervention of our old therapist and wife, would have resulted in involuntary commitment. Ever since, a very significant alter has gone silent, and it has been unnerving and difficult without them. I don’t understand.

Event in question was life threatening.

Thoughts, advice?

Re: 51yrs old, diagnosed 2 years ago(?), event was 4 months ago.

My system has a rotating trio of hosts, one of which has a history of physical self harm and addiction. I'm usually the one who takes care of these things, but he took on important insurance related task we've all been putting off because I've been struggling lately. When we realized we missed the due date, he immediately hurt himself and gave up. I'm asking about this here because this means getting professional support is delayed.

I freaked out and we argued. His point of view is that it's his body, so he should be allowed to do whatever he wants with it, and this is how he keeps himself in line so he can be functional. He thinks that because he's not doing anything "dangerous", it shouldn't matter and I should just not front if it bothers me.

My argument is that it's my body too, I don't want to be hurt, and I care about him as both a part of me and as a person. I tried to remind him that he wasn't even conscious at the time of the due date. He has no memory of us doing anything insurance related and couldn't have stopped this. If it's any specific alter's fault it's mine and our other host's I was co-fronting with then, but he won't see it like that. I think he still views himself as the "main" alter. I don't know how to get him to comprehend that there's no such thing when he already understands that our other host and I regularly take over for weeks while he's dormant. I'm guessing it's to avoid feeling like he has no meaningful control over his life, which I do sympathize with.

But I know how to fix the insurance issue and he will not let me do it. He wants to wallow in a mistake "he" made instead of let the part responsible fix it. Forcing him to back off might make his issue with control worse but if we lose access to our medication, it'll hit him the hardest. I'm not really sure what to do here, but I don't want him to feel like this is a major setback because he's made so much progress recently. If you have any advice or insight, I'd love to hear it.

First off, I am one of the protectors in our system. We went no contact with family for close to a year after a shattering of memories finally made sense. We were in the hospital for close to a month and haven’t responded to the insane amount of messages, calls, guilt inducing voicemails or mail. We had to focus on us for a change while healing. Well….we just received a call from our home city we lived next to and looked it up and it is a domestic violence number in that city….we didn’t answer for obvious reasons. We don’t know what to do. We are shaking all over. Could this be something we opened up about from childhood…? Or a welfare check from said family with no contact? We are scared. I am trying to be strong by reaching out before I should the system a true reason for us to all sit with this. I am trying to block as much visibility from our system at this point. Help me protect them. Help me protect us.

For context, I had been dating with someone in a system for three years, I knew about his system even before we dated since we were bestfriends. So I like the main host if it's okay to use that word, as he is the only one I get to talk to (where I consciously know). We started to date after a falling out where his protector alter have came out. He is the one chatted me telling everything about how main felt. In a spur of fits I confessed and that lead to the next day where I talked with main. The second time I consciously met someone when someone scolded me after frustrating main too much over something 'playful'. For three years, I only met one person in person, it was a bit of a traumatic experience for me as main was replaced by protector all of a sudden when we were talking avout a heated topic, and I was left all of a sudden in the middle of the streets and I panicked then due to not understanding what happened and I only received a message it wasnt him. Their system works in a way they all pretend as the main host no matter what due to past experiences.

He says the others talk to me and I dont know or realize it. And I dont understand if its valid for me to feel hurt that they dont let me know who I am talking to, as it had been three years... I had communicated this for years now and I know main was also hurt about how his alters had tended to hurt me emotionally multiple times, but I still want to try talking with them consciously. Im sorry for the long paragraphs. Its just that, I dont know if its valid to feel this way as a girlfriend of someone with DID.

Today is one of those days when I just have to sit back and say, "ok, I guess *this* is what I'm wearing today," and roll my eyes every time I walk by a reflective window or mirror.

Old-a$$ adult walking around in clothes for a youngster. Today old-a$$ me is too tired to fight it.

Our host over the last 2-3 years would vehemently refuse to willingly switch with any of us. Our only time being out front was when triggered and most of the time those were not great situations. We have not been formally diagnosed but we keep a journal to write down our thoughts, feelings and activities for the day. However, we now all suffer from tremendous fatigue when fronting for more than a few hours to a full day. There are five alters plus the host. Four of us are trying to set up a routine for home, work and personal life without involving the trauma carrier and alter that is dangerous to us as well as those around us. Those two do still have triggers that will pull them forward but the hope is that rarely if ever happens. Any advice, insight or general conversation is appreciated! ❤️

One thing that Led me to speculate that i have DID is me being super forgetful. I dont remember much of anything from my childhood, i have issues putting memories in a chronological order etc.

But is dissociation what causes forgetting what you did thru the day too? My therapist told me some Time ago, before me reseafching DID, that im forgetting stuff bcs im not playing attention to things happening and that i should practice noticing things more. She also said that thats why i dont remember anything from my childhood... But i feel like i would remember SOME things.

My memories are always foggy and are more concepts than anything. I dont remember funerals or weddings, minor or major stuff, nothing. I feel like memories would stick more even if i "didnt pay attenrion"

And that leads me to the other questions which is: is it possible to be zoned out everyday or might it be dissociation?

I heard about people with did not knowing what they did thru the day but id say that im pretty chill most of the time so i dont know why i would dissociate.

Sorry if this is a bit chaoitc English isnt my first language.

hi ! the possibility of having DID is very new to me (19F). i’m not diagnosed at all. but i’m fairly certain i have it because i have several signs.

just a week ago, an alter switched over and showed themselves to my boyfriend. he described knew it wasn’t me. he said my eyes were dead, i was more confident and extremely loud ( i’m usually very quiet and sensitive ), and i was definitely a different person. i’ve been having alters appear here and there for years. i even had a time period where they were very active and i have records from 2024 when i was in highschool. but i forgot about that period of my life due to my memory.

i always have known i’ve had a dissociative disorder, but it never really clocked to me that i could have DID i guess. i have a very bad memory. it fades as things happen. i have to be reminded of things consistently. i even forget what a majority of words mean and i have to google them. but i think the fading memory could be used to protect me in a way. i have a very fragmented memory though. some of my memories do not feel like they’re mine. i get consistent flashbacks and almost live through them again as if they’re happening in that moment. but with my fragmented memory, i didn’t remember that i had other people in my head. i’m still honestly trying to cope with the fact that i do have alters and this is all real. i also struggle with major derealisation and depersonalisation constantly.

i’ve probably googled countless times about if there’s a cure for my dissociation, but there isn’t. i really wish that there could be because my mom and boyfriend are worried about it. i wish i could put them at ease. but they’re also saying that i can suppress my alters. i feel like it brings me a bit to a lot of shame about possibly having this disorder. they want my alters gone. they only want me to be present. i pretend to agree with them, but honestly i really don’t want to suppress my alters. i want to live in harmony with them. i feel like they have as much of a right to live as i do. i want them the thrive as much as i want to thrive and survive in life. i don’t want them to disappear. i don’t know who they even are, but i care about them. they’re just other versions of me right ? i don’t want them to be treated with hate or fear. i’m sure my mom and boyfriend are just really scared, but there’s really no cure to this disorder. they’ll have to live with this as much as i have to live with this.

is it wrong i don’t want them gone ? i’m being told it is wrong to want them to exist with me. i don’t know who they even are but i want to get to know them all. i want to communicate with them and live with them. they’re a part of me too, we just share one body. is it weird to care about them so much when you don’t even know them yet ? it honestly makes me really sad that they want other parts of me gone. sure it’ll be a hard thing to live with, but i’m not going to waste my one chance to live.

i’m scared i won’t be able to communicate with my other alters at all. i feel like they’re scared to come out because they know they aren’t wanted. i know that they’re watching because i can feel a presence. i know that they do exist because sometimes i feel like i just talk and my body is controlled for me. i know they exist because they’ve written their names down in my phone. it’s not all in my head anymore. i’m actually real and they are too. i don’t want them gone. i’m in between being two different people half of the time because i feel like someone else is with me.

but i don’t know. it’s been so relieving to know this isn’t in my head at all anymore. i know why i struggle with the dissociation and everything lines up. but, i just don’t like being told that i should suppress parts of myself that i can’t even control.

I am so confused what to feel about my family (especially parents). I know they can be a little emotionally immature and made their mistakes in parenting but I just don’t see how it could have been traumatic enough to cause a severe dissociative disorder. I really can’t see them being „bad people“, on the contrary.
Just spent a few days with them and the in-laws and everyone was perfectly nice and got along well. But I feel so empty inside and secretly have very dark and depressed thoughts. I felt like living a lie the whole time.
It feels like I love and hate my parents at the same time, they feel familiar and also like strangers.
I want to see them more and also never want to see them again. Is that different parts having different opinions? Also I have weird somatic symptoms, sudden pain, inflammation and extreme exhaustion in the body whenever I meet them. I cant sleep and cry at night when no one is there. Am I missing information because I am an ANP? Could others alters really be suffering because I am spending time with the parents?

Basically the title. Huge gaps in memory, basically cannot remember anything before 2018 and that year to around 2020 feels like a very badly written and unrealistic movie I was forced to watch, have this weird diary entries of talking to fricking Error sans in my head in Snowdin nearly daily for 3 whole years??? I have no clue what that last one is about either, I have no memory of that. I wasn't even an Error fan iirc. My main suspicion is from the gaps of memory, friends and family claim my holier-than-thou and arrogant attitude is annoying during arguments but like I'm not someone that likes or even gets into arguments, I'd rather literally walk away from conflict or resolve it calmly. Plus I genuinely do not remember any of the arguments they were talking about and believed it was an elaborate prank for a whole year. And I would still have continued to believe that if it wasn't for my obsession with writing everything down, which made me realize this "prank" has been going on for way too long and none of those people have any reason to do that

I just wanna be able to remember what the hell happened man :/ therapy is not an option because I can't convince my dad and physically cannot walk that far myself (+ I'm writing this at 4am, if any wordings are funky that's why)

Had therapy today and we talked about how I pretty much never know what I want and whenever I do, it constantly changes due to switches.

This came up due to discussing sexual trauma. Historically, because of sexual trauma, I gravitate towards highly controlling and manipulative people who decide what I want sexually for me, and do things without asking, so I don't have to think.

Most of my alters find sexual autonomy distressing, like I'm an unmoored ship with nothing to ground me. Other alters have such strong sense of autonomy that they are pretty much aroace and asocial.

When I have sexual partners who care about consent and ask what I want, I just have us watch TV because I don't know what I actually want. I kinda prefer when people are pushy and don't ask for consent--not because I want that but because what I want becomes irrelevant.

In trying to figure out what I want sexually, though, it came up that I don't know what I want for pretty much anything ever, 90% of the time.

I've changed my major a million times. Been on and off HRT a million times. I spend all day doomscrolling because I can't pick an activity to do. Etc.

The only times I've had certainty about what to do are survival situations--I am an expert at making plans for survival, escaping abuse (once I recognize it and accept it's best to get out, anyway--I often stay for ages being indecisive/thinking pros outweigh cons), addressing medical crises, etc.

I am also good at routines (autistic). I am very firm in knowing I want/need my breakfast and bedtime routines every day.

But everything else between breakfast and bedtime, I don't know. I recently picked a new degree program and career path because it's easy and makes money. I don't have much interest in it.

I don't know how I want to spend my time. I don't know what I even want to think/daydream about, I distract myself 24/7 to avoid it.

I don't know what I want sexually or romantically or platonically. I don't have long term goals besides getting bottom surgery and a job, and maybe performing music someday (not sure what kind).

I think I used to want things. Not sure what changed.

Never knew what I wanted sexually or romantically, though. I feel like I just go along with what other people want, and don't know what to do if people ask what I want. I go on dating apps, only to reject or ghost most people.

How do you decide what you want? How do you stick to anything when alters want different things and have different capacity/comfort around choice and autonomy?

Even now, making this post, I'll probably just switch again soon and disagree with everything I've said here.

Just feel pretty lost.

It’s easy for me to focus on the hardest parts of living with DID. But frankly DID is a superpower sometimes. Tell me your favorite part of having it. Or just a sweet anecdote.

I know I could use hearing the good stuff and maybe others could too :)

like most with this sort of disorder, we can fall into the "im faking all of this" mentality incredibly easily. last week, however, we had a moment that kind of put a lot of that to rest. weve been under more stress than we can manage properly these days, and finally caved in on the kitchen floor. our household members had just left for work, so we didnt have anyone to hold onto.

we ended up holding onto ourselves (and our dog. bless him). we let go of the loneliness weve been dealing with. a more emotionally stable / regulated part (...waves awkwardly) stepped in when he felt like enough had been felt, and just like that. it was over. everyone else found their means of comfort within the headspace. i went about our day like nothing had even happened. i was aware of it, and able to examine it more closely than the others, because it doesnt hurt me like it would them.

weve always aimed for "functional". i think we're at least on the right track. thats all. enjoy your day / night 🫶🏻

So, it's been decades since I apparently went dormant, and I have tons of memories that aren't personally mine, our body is no longer physically dependent on nicotine, but I'm feeling withdrawal like I decided to quit smoking yesterday?

DID is so weird.

I'm going through some medically difficult and scarring times at the moment. I realised recently I've been regressing– I've dropped all my "adult" hobbies like sewing, painting or beading. I'm watching disney movies, reading fairytale stories, I'm playing with dolls. Regression in the past, as someone w DID, used to be very clear cut and feel even distressing because of the childlike, toddler-ish state of littles fronting. I am not experiencing this now. I mostly feel like an adult who enjoys kiddie things. Or maybe sometimes like an older child than a toddler? Hard to tell sometimes. Do you relate to this? Does this sound familiar to you?

At work today, two new/ancient alters showed themselves (albeit vaguely) and in the background of my head we were trying to encourage them to communicate (I was still working).

By the end of the day, on the drive home, I was concurrently flashbacking to things I’d not thought about since childhood (who remembers their childhood anyway?) and trying to drive home safely. They had the face - wide eyes and confused - and we had the body on our routine home.

When we got there, we grabbed any empty book and just started sharing everything we knew about ourselves since we became sentient. Treating them as brand new consciousnesses and explaining all that we have learned about DID since the diagnosis.

It took hours but they eventually shared in concepts their ages and their lodging (not in the usual place our alters live).

Broke my heart. Instead of the tree house, they were in a damp cave. they belonged in the branches.

But the fact they’re here now and the fact I’m so supported by therapy and family and friends means I can finally give them the attention they’ve missed for so long.

That’s all.

It feels like we’re writing a memoir but it’s just all we know about ourselves and each other and how we function. I’m so glad to be able to bury myself in my own words again. I’m so glad to have my dormant alters stretch themselves and let their voices and faces be recognized. I thought I lost them forever after a move back to my home country. They were just suppressed by the biggest mask I had.

I’m so glad to be alive.