r/DID

Hey guys, I just wanted to say I finally got officially diagnosed with DID today!!!

The appointment went pretty well and the provider was amazing. I was super anxious (He’s a guy and that’s like, always a huge issue for me lmao) but he turned out to be great.

I’m just super relieved to finally have my answer. He literally looked me in the eyes and went “You have DID”. You have no idea how much I’ve been wishing someone would just tell me for sure. No question marks, no ambiguity, just a diagnosis. And he did exactly that.

He asked me what my parts’ names were, asked how long I’ve suspected it, told me about the stuff we have in common, told me about how he’s also diagnosed with autism, and was just overall a really good guy. So as far as men go, this one didn’t make me have a panic attack, so, that’s a win.

I have DID!! I was diagnosed! I just wanted a place to type out the words, because I’ve never been able to say anything other than “I think I might have DID”.

Anyways, that’s it that’s the post lol

The DSM5 says that people with DID can experience transient psychosis. And may report hallucinations of all kinds: auditory, gustatory, olfactory, visual, tactile.

I experience all types of hallucinations.

We just came home after our appointment with the psychiatrist and we're in a bit of a chaos. Things were going well with him. He believes we're multiple alters and he could witness some himself. We have a good level of communication in the system and lately we've been sharing about our inner workings so he suggested I'd do system mapping and show him.

Finally we figured out a way that would feel secure: rather than showing our current organization, showing him a timeline of our life and when and in which general circumstances alters appeared, as well as their names and ages. We did this for context so when we'd speak about someone or someone is expressing themselves he would know. So we gave him this timeline map today.

He's not specialized in DID and maybe even inexperienced, since he jumped at the map not quite knowing what to do. I mentioned being recently stuck with a little for 10 days and losing some of my skills like cooking or hairdressing my husband, and that it was difficult to switch from a little to an adult part. He began to talk about different alters and how my littles should be connecting to adult parts for us to reunite, like he thought he would figure the entire system out in 30 min? This threw us into internal chaos since outer controlling behaviour triggers us. This was mild on his part but still, he wasn't going from what is our actual experience and why but how he thought things were or should be.

So at one point, as we were dissociating and panicking at the same time, one of my protectors took over and blatantly told him that this was not the way he was going to solve this puzzle (because that's what it felt like for us, like our psychiatrist thought "how do I match these parts so they put themselves back into a whole"). I guess it took my psychiatrists aback since he realized what he was doing. So my protector told him it was making us feel heavily disorganized and that it was better we focus on who's actually present during each session and what they have to say and that the map was for him, for context. He agreed.

I felt quite dissociated afterwards and still am now, but as I'm writing this I realize we did what was right and it's probably just a hiccup and that everything will be okay, even though it feels chaotic in the moment.

My husband told me that at least my psychiatrist could see it was not a joke that we're a system and also he could witness how easily and quickly we could get distressed and dissociating.

Also it made me realize that in actuality there is a reason why my littles are not linked to most adult parts. That's because it allows adults to function without interference, otherwise it would be truly difficult.

I guess we just needed to vent to get some support since we felt really misunderstood today.

I’ve been diagnosed with schizoaffective a few times by psychiatrists. I haven’t been diagnosed with DID but I’ve been told I likely have it by therapists and psych nurse practitioner. My husband (who has an education in psychology) thinks I lean more towards DID and he thinks my presentation just looks like schizophrenia. I’ve seen a lot of people on the schizo subs say their schizo looked like DID. So I’m wondering if it’s often that DID can look like schizophrenia?

Apologies if this doesnt belong here. Its a very confusing situation. I am in the process of questioning and talking to my therapist about possible DID/maybe OSDD. I became aware something was happening and began communicating to my parts and trying to work with them. And there is a lot of things that i dont know. Anyway, the point of saying that is, whenever i try to masturbate lately, there is pushback and fear. And i dissociate. I try really hard to listen but there are times when admittedly i just dont want to. I never had to not do something that ive always done before without asking myself first. But proceeding anyway makes me feel guilty. Like i am traumatizing or r*ping this scared alter. And i think i just do not know how to negotiate at all. I know this must be a skill to learn, everyone is always saying that if there is conflict you have to always talk and listen to your alters and negotiate and meet in the middle. But then what? How do you get to that middle. I know the why but i dont know the how. I think in general i dont know how to handle conflict, or how to communicate, let alone with myself. and its so frustrating. Thank you for any help.

i’m 20, in maryland on medicaid, and i’m trying to figure out if i need inpatient or residential psychiatric care but i feel really stuck and overwhelmed and i’m not sure if i even qualify.

i have formal diagnoses from childhood (adhd, depression, ocd, ptsd, trichotillomania, pica) from about 5 years of psych treatment as a minor, but my treatment was heavily interfered with by an abusive parent. they actively sabotaged care, prevented certain evaluations, and repeatedly framed me as “lying/dramatic,” which affected how I was treated clinically. i also lost trust in the system because i was trying to protect myself and my sibling from being placed in foster care, and i ended up withholding and minimizing information just to get through required sessions and stay safe.

i recently restarted psychiatric care after about 3 years without treatment. i was seen today by a psychiatric nurse practitioner and started on risperidone, lamotrigine, and hydroxyzine, with a follow-up in 2 weeks before any referrals for additional evaluation or higher levels of care.

my main issue right now is severe, persistent dissociation and functional impairment. i have a short window in the morning where i can function somewhat normally, and then i rapidly drop into a dissociated state where my ability to process my surroundings breaks down. i struggle with vision clarity, reading, understanding speech, communicating, and basic thinking. i become disoriented and unable to function for any task including ones i desperately want to do.

i also have significant memory loss and periods where i don’t feel in control of my actions or decisions. this has led to things like quitting jobs without knowing until afterward, and getting pulled into or escalating unsafe situations at home and having to deal with the outcome without understanding why it’s happening.
the psychiatrist i saw is a psychiatric nurse practitioner, so her ability to do more in-depth diagnostic evaluation and specialty assessment is limited compared to higher-level psychiatric care. dissociation has been acknowledged as part of my presentation, but the current plan is to trial medication first and rule out mood-related causes before any referral for more specialized evaluation.

i understand why mood disorders are being considered, but my concern is that my symptoms don’t feel episodic or mood-driven. the functional impairment (dissociation and depersonalization, disorientation, inability to process speech/reading/visual input, and loss of continuity in memory and actions) is present daily and follows a consistent pattern rather than clear mood cycles or distinct high/low episodes. because of that, i’m worried that focusing primarily on mood stabilization first may not fully address what seems to be a more persistent dissociative-level impairment, and may delay appropriate evaluation and care.

i also don’t think outpatient care is realistically going to be enough right now because my home situation is actively escalating. getting help itself has made things worse at home, and i’m now in a position where it is extremely difficult to focus on anything to do with this because i am constantly focused on navigating interactions with my abuser safely. this takes up most of my mental bandwidth every day and leaves me unable to consistently work on anything. it is significantly harder now that they are home all the time due to disability, so i cannot avoid or separate from the situation.

outpatient care also feels very limited for me right now. i’m on maryland medicaid (carefirst community health plan) and there are very few in-network providers in my area that are actually accessible. getting psychiatric care already took a long time and required a referral to even find someone available, and i’m not confident there is enough local outpatient support to properly evaluate or manage what’s going on beyond medication follow-ups and hour long telehealth therapy sessions. i need help getting back on my feet after 20 years of physical, sexual, emotional, financial, and medical abuse and i have so many overlapping mental and physical issues that i just feel are too complex for this.

on top of this, i am financially dependent, have no income, and no other support system. i cannot work or function independently at this time.

i’m looking into places like sheppard pratt because i feel like i may need a higher level of care than outpatient psychiatry. i feel i need structured inpatient or residential treatment, trauma-informed care, and case management/social work support.

but i’m also scared of inpatient/residential options. i’ve seen reports of inconsistent care, high turnover, and sudden discharge, and my biggest fear is being placed somewhere and then discharged without a safe place to go. if that happens, i would likely end up homeless, since my current home is the only housing i have even though it is abusive. if i leave, i will not be welcome anymore.

i also worry about not being taken seriously or being misunderstood in psychiatric settings as a black patient.

i feel stuck between staying in an unsafe environment i cannot function in vs risking losing the only housing i currently have if higher level care doesn’t work out. i don’t have anything or anyone to fall back on and i’m terrified.

i also don’t know how much my past medical documentation will even “count” for getting help with how bad it is. because of that, i’m unsure whether i even have enough reliable records to qualify for certain levels of care or government assistance programs, or how much that will affect my ability to access residential or inpatient treatment now as an adult.

anyways, in making this post i am mainly trying to understand:

– how people realistically get into higher levels of care especially in a situation like mine
– whether there are programs that provide treatment + case management + discharge planning so people are not left without housing after stabilization
– what steps i should take first given i currently have a psychiatrist but feel outpatient care may not be enough
– and if anyone has experience transitioning from severe dissociation/unsafe housing into stable treatment and support systems
– and whether lack of consistent and accurate records significantly impacts access to higher levels of care or disability/support service
- adult rtc recommendations near me

thank you for reading! any and all advice is greatly appreciated! ❤️

idk why but i just feel suicidal nearly constantly. i try so hard to distract and block the thoughts out with loud music but it's like it won't stop. i end up having a screaming match in my head until i start crying irl and everything goes silent after a few hours and i can finally sleep. i'm so tired of this cycle of screaming at myself until i hit a nerve and it finally stops. i don't want to hurt myself but part of me does and it's getting to an almost breaking point where that part is gaining more control and might actually attempt something. i don't want to go inpatient because i've been abused in those situations and it feels less safe than just trying to continue my life like nothing is happening. i'm tired.

One of our alters main focus is sex . She is the only one who does this with our body and with other partners/ our spouse.

We have been married to our spouse for a few years but been together for over 10 years now. Throughout the year of the relationship, sex has become complicated. In the past our spouse has cheated several times, which our spouse has worked towards gaining our trust and going to therapy.

However one specific alter , whose main focus is sex, was minimally bothered by the cheating… unlike the rest of us. She sees herself as a sex sl@ve, so sexual preference and life styles don’t bother her. Like when the cheating happened she was minimally bothered by it. It only bothered her because our spouse never wanted to engage in sex with her, constantly refused her advances, and could never figure out how to make herself sexually appealing or to sexually please their spouse. She has gone so far as attempting to look at what porn he watches so that way she can imitate/ incorporate this in the bedroom , as our spouse for years had continued to dodge questions on what he like sexually. We started couple therapy again a few months ago because within the last several months we saw her slowly decline and noticed her being severely depressed. She’s always been the type to “push forward”. This made us extremely worried due to the drastic change, as she’s never had a “it’s whatever” attitude / eeyore vibe.

A few days ago she reported to us that although our spouse has now started to try engaging in sex/ intimacy related things within the last month, she feels this is just “pitty sex” and that all sexual gestures feel internally forced. She told us that there’s no need for her to apart of the system anymore because she failed at her job, exclaiming that she doesn’t see a point of her being around anymore because she can do the one thing she was made to do (to make our spouse happy sexually) She told us she not mad at us but wouldn’t be coming back because they have no purpose anymore. She has then just calmly walked away.

Since this has happened, it feels empty without her presence being here. It’s like when your dog dies, the house doesn’t feel the same without them there. We’re afraid that she’ll never come back. And on top of that if she doesn’t come back….. how will this impact the system’s relationship with our spouse, especially since nobody has an interest in sex nor has any desire to.

Is this whole situation/ her leaving is this considered dormancy or is this something else? Is anyone familiar with this? Can we encourage her to come back?

Without her here, if feel like a huge chunk is missing. Also one of our other alters is upset at our spouse that she’s now gone and is accepting that she’ll never come back! I ( host) understand what our spouse is saying , that he can’t forced that alter to talk but I also understand why our other alter is frustrated at our spouse (Implying that our spouse doesn’t care to fix issue or the relationship with the alter who walked away ).

I don’t know what to do or how to help!

About a year ago I had a bad falling out with someone I considered to be a lifelong friend. She was like my sister. My other half. It was devastating and I (host) still think about it everyday. She knew about my system and was supportive and willing to educate herself; as well as interact with multiple alters individually. Everyone adored her. Even the littles who had little to no interactions with her.

One alter however grew particularly close to her. He took friendship break-up harder than anyone else. Even myself. For months I thought he was dormant as I had little no communication with him. I knew the reason. I tried. I pried. I got silence. A few weeks ago I was able to communicate with him again after a small interaction with said old friend. For some context, my partner is related to her. So I see her dueing holidays and some events. For awhile she has been talking to be like nothing has happened after months of not looking me in the eyes. It is difficult but I manage as the one who holds the system together. A comment she made about an alter without much prompting created quite the stirring within my system. Triggering the supposed alter forward. Often in co-front as of recently.

After years of recovering him from a persecutor to a protector he has reverted. He blames me. Hates me. Insults me constantly. Often at night or when I am alone with my thoughts. The rest of my system including internal protectors and such do their best to keep me sane whilst managing this day to day. But it is becoming hard on my sanity. I try to tell him how horrible she treated in the end and after. All the things she said and did but to no avail he holds a deep grudge now.

Any advice on how I can get through to him? Or this entire situation in general. I want to be as civil as possible. I also want to add on that my system communication overall isn't the greatest. But I try everyday to do better. Help, even a little would be awesome.

Hello all, I hope you’re doing okay. I decided to try to post because I’m really struggling to find appropriate treatment. I have not yet been diagnosed with DID, but out of high suspicion my current treatment team is recommending I try trauma treatment at a higher level of care. I won’t go fully into depth, but I have cycled through hospitals and ED or general PHPs/IOPs for years, and trauma and dissociation is at the heart of it. I am finally at the point where I agree that I need to lock in on this, figure some stuff out, and do the work.

The problem is, I can’t find anywhere to do it. I looked into Wings recovery but they have kind of ghosted me and my team, and I am currently looking into the McLean PHP. There are also long waitlists for any outpatient EMDR/CPT/any trauma modality in my area, though I am getting on those waitlists.

I can go anywhere in the US, I’m at the point where I would travel. I tried to look through this thread to find recommendations but couldn’t, feel free to point me to another post if I missed it. Thank you for reading through my post!

How do you differentiate memory loss and forgetfulness due to ADHD vs due to DID (Dissociative Identity disorder) ? I always wondered.

I mean, my therapist thinks I am both but wouldn't some aspects of those disorders overlap? If so, is it even possible to place a real diagnosis when so many things get tangled? The only diagnosis I have for the time being is ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and I know that there is a lot of overlap with ADHD and even some with DID in the dissociation part (It can be confounded as a shutdown and other things).

Basically, if anyone can tell me how memory loss and forgetfulness are like for them, I would be delighted. Thanks for reading and for any answer ! :)

Hi. I'm Axel but I also answer to being called Rosie or Chase. Today I don't feel like any of those. I'm not diagnosed with DID but I do little a lot. I go by Rosie or Andrès when I little. Feelings constantly switch for me and sometimes I feel fake and like myself but not like myself. I never really brought it up to my partner until now but I feel like the feelings have always just kinda been there.

I feel in a really awful place, over the past two years I’ve ended up primarily hosting for my system because a sudden event seemed to just all around kill anybody’s will to live, things weren’t any good beforehand either, but now only me and one other alter can front.

My alter, who is very attached to me and feels he’s in love with me, is extremely disconnected from real life, convinced one day he’ll be able to become a completely separate human being if he just prays hard enough, and loves me so much he has no interest in connecting with our lifelong partner system, it’s kind of weird, because I like him too, very much, but I know nothing he wants to happen is ever happening because real life is cruel, and sad.

The easiest my life can get is letting him front, letting him take the time, he’s so calm, it feels like if he just fronts he has so much to do, he really has his own life, but here’s the problem, he makes our partner system who is highly responsible for holding our life together so upset that members of their system become suicidal because they believe he’s so much better, or they get jealous because he likes me and not them, so ultimately my break time when he fronts, isn’t actually a break, because later everybody is so sad I have to pick the pieces up, and I’m not talking monthly, I’m talking three days of him fronting leads to upset, which inevitably leads to… it just being up to me to lift everybody up, and apologise, and work hard to make it all okay again, but I’m so tired, and I don’t feel my life like this is, um, worth living, to be honest.

With my entire system just dormant, bar the occasional peep from extremely angry or cruel alters that cause more harm than good, and the only help I have being entirely delusional and somewhat trying to convince me of a false sense of hope, that like I said just makes life way harder, I’m sort of unsure on what to do.

I read all sorts of stuff about systems being found family, about having therapists, about having almost anything to turn to, but it feels for me it’s just doomed, I mean, really, I don’t even own a phone, nor do I have a bank card, my life is well and truly just done for, I’m so reliant, but so relied on emotionally for everything, yet I don’t actually feel I have anybody to turn to, I have a guy in my head who swears he’d die for me, but really I feel more alone than I ever have.

It feels if I blacked out tomorrow there wouldn’t be anybody. Like i’d just tip over to the side and nobody would front, like I’d just be empty and defunct, I wouldn’t be surprised if I just went hollow like a husk, because there isn’t anybody here anymore. It’s just me and somebody who can’t really do anything, otherwise he wouldn’t live in a fantasy world. I feel sad, but I’m not miserable either, I just don’t get what my end point is. I just feel I’m talking to a void. Almost any post I make just gets taken down for being too much, too, but I’m only ever being truthful about my life and psychological state, yet I don’t feel I’m saying anything shocking either. I just need something to throw my feelings to.

Okay so I have been having these issues with my alters and I’m genuinely confused if others have this too. It’s very very hard to keep track of all my alters. Like I have to sit and think and try to remember who’s up in my head to write them down and keep track. And the shifts are even that constant like I’ll be myself for 5 days or so and then one day so many shifts happen all at once. I forget my own alters’ names until I’m in a shift and they remember their own name and everything about themselves. It’s like me, as the host, there’s like a mind barrier between us. Like Summer can’t remember what Bertha’s favorite food was or Enox doesn’t remember what Jack’s last name was, etc. And it’s so confusing cause online I see other systems with organized plans and clear descriptions while the only times I even remember all the info of my alters is when we switch. Is anyone else like this or do I just not have DID?

ive recently been engaging in some content that i know is triggering. its all stuff ive seen before, but when i get into a depressive episode i tend to lean into it full force and instead of fighting it i just try to move through it. i end up watching dark crime dramas or reading about true crime, listening to sad music that i know upsets me, and most often doom scrolling.

today i watched something i knew i shouldn’t before i even hit play, and now i can barely see my phone. im so overwhelmingly tired out of nowhere, it feels like when the er gives you a sedative and you just completely sink into yourself and you can’t fight it even if you wanted to.

and i can’t focus. i keep falling asleep and i keep dissociating. everything feels weird and far away and too much itself at the same time and it’s so disorienting.

anyway, my point is could an alter be making me feel this way? cuz they’ve done weirder stuff to keep me from thinking about things im not supposed to know about, i just don’t know if this is something they’re even capable of doing. or we, i guess, idfk.

i call it windexing. somebody in here (i think it’s a a gatekeeper named iris) literally cuts off my train of thought mid sentence and then i can’t remember what i was thinking about less than a second ago. its usually pretty unsettling when they do that, but ive stopped bothering to question it. this is the first time they’ve bothered with this much effort, if this is them that is.

sry for any grammar or spelling errors btw i can barely see my screen my eyes are crossing over

I'm a system, and someone I consider myself very close to and I like to call them family, is also a system. Lately though there's been some struggles.... Awhile back some really nasty things happened to them, and obviously I was worried so I sat there offering support. They told me how they're really mentally struggling to be fine for everyone, I told them to try not to be too hard on themself and that they dont need to be mentally perfect around me. Usually for the two of us talking about simple normal and easy things can help when one or the both of us are having a rough time, so of course I was doing that for them. Things seemed to be doing just fine. I had their back and we chatted about things. One afternoon I got a text from one of their persecutors saying they'll respond to my messages later. I know they have problems with this persecutor but I try my best to be friendly and supportive to them, after all they're still someone I consider family. Knowing the persecutor's nature I chose my reply back to be gentle, and it was a simple reply of dont worry about it, take all the time you need.
A couple days pass and there was silence. I didnt write anything new back. But then I got a bit worried maybe they thought my slience was neglection, so I wrote to them saying that I feel like they need some time away from everything, and I want to respect that; respect them. That my silence isnt me neglecting them, it's me caring and being patient, and that I dont want them to reply back to me until they're ready.
That day was silent, but the next night, which was yesterday night, I got a text from another persecutor, this one I dont have the most brightest history with unfortunately. They didnt like something I said yesterday in an online space, which all I said was stating my opinion on something I'm sensitive about, and they know I'm sensitive about. And when I say sensitive I mean its a really bad trigger for me. They also changed things like their bio to basically "leave me alone", and now I'm starting to spiral.
What happened to them? What are they hiding from me? Did I somehow fuck everything over by making a tiny expression of my opinion on something that they know was me expressing my feelings on a topic that's triggering to me?? I wasn't even directly saying it to them I was just agreeing with someone else....
I want my friend to be okay but I'm in panic mode. I feel like for whatever reason they might be shutting me out.... I have a lot of heavy friendship trauma throughout my life of being lied to, abandonment and neglect, and so much worse.... The ptsd may be effecting my reactions right now but I'm scared and I dont know what to do..... I'd really appriciate someone to help me understand what might actually be going on or what I should do, it'd mean a lot to me.

Disclaimer: I am not diagnosed with DID but am in treatment for trauma and dissociation, with a strong presentation of DID. I think my personal experience is valuable to discuss regardless.

My system was coincidentally discovered just before the "big boom" in DID content online during 2020-2022 or so. Unfortunately, this combined with me only being 13-14, lead to some serious damage.

I adopted a lot of unhealthy ideas about my system as a result of content online. I treated my difficult/"persecutor" parts very poorly. Our alters became very distant, not acknowledging one another as being part of the same person and not taking accountability. The "older" alters took their internal ages literally- ending up with us in some situations we shouldn't have been in at that age. Our dissociation and self-understanding were both worsened as a result of everything.

I posted information about our system online, dangerously exposing personal information to the internet and drawing us into harmful communities.

It's taken me years to undo the damage and unlearn everything from that time. I've come a long way since then, and am now very focused on maintaining a science/fact-based view of dissociation after dealing with the all of the harm caused by misinformation. I am grateful for where I am now, but I wish I never had to fix the mess caused by being an immature teenager in damaging online spaces.

Not all online DID spaces are like this, but unfortunately many are. I am posting this to draw attention to my experience as someone who was one of those "DID kids" for a time who is now actually in treatment for trauma and dissociation. The damage and shame I carry from this period of my life has been seriously detrimental to me and my whole system. I ended up with even more trauma on top of what had already happened to me at a young age because of it.

It saddens me that I am sure that I'm not the only person with this experience. I hope that everyone discovering their DID at this point doesn't get swept into any of that.

Here are some reliable sources that I greatly appreciate that may be of help to anyone else:

-The CTAD Clinic on YouTube

-The ISSTD treatment guidelines

-Introjection, Internalization, Identification, Oh My! (https://therapistdevelopmentcenter.com/blog/introjection-internalization-identification-oh-my)

Please take care, folks!

TW: brief discussion of some difficult life events, no details or mention of anything that was traumatising

Hi, I (20s, M) haven’t posted here before, but I’ve been lurking the last few weeks as I’ve been struggling quite a bit.

For the last few years, there have been different alters who have thought we might have a dissociative disorder. We were under the impression it was OSDD, but now I’m thinking it may possibly be DID.

Our life was really messed up a few months ago. We got walking pneumonia, which then turned into needing to be hospitalised, where we were then mistreated by doctors and the health system for what feels like the millionth time in our life. Some other bad things happened that I don’t remember, as they happened to the last host and not me, but the culmination of everything was updating our laptop, which for some reason deleted the only photo we had of our childhood dog, who was basically our mother growing up.

When this happened, the host switched out and a dormant host from almost a decade ago took over for a bit. I’m not sure when I came to front, but I’ve been here for a few months now and life hasn’t actively been bad, and the brain (and maybe the last host, I’m not sure) is unable to cope. I’ve been getting triggered constantly and have had a whole load of flashbacks in the last few weeks, most of the time completely unprompted.

The previous hosts were clinically hypersexual, meanwhile I am completely unable to talk about relationships in general, let alone sex. Yesterday, after overhearing a conversation between my boyfriend and a friend of his where she kept talking about different sexual stuff (not in relation to my partner), I was too paralysed to leave the room until the last minute, and then went on to have a breakdown.

My partner has been really good with me being sensitive, but I feel horrible all the time because everything triggers me, even when absolutely nothing is happening. I try to watch old shows that were comforting for other alters, I lock onto something and get triggered. I try to watch a new show, I lock onto something and get triggered. The only thing I’ve been able to do without losing my shit is play Skyrim. It’s the only thing that feels familiar that doesn’t choke me.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to get at here - I think I just feel extremely lonely. I’m the only host who has felt this way, but I can’t remember anything unless it’s a flashback, and then I lose the memory right after anyway, so I don’t think I’m getting triggered because I hold memories. I don’t have any friends that I can speak to about this, as all of them are going through shit at the moment. I try to talk to my boyfriend about it and while he is the sweetest, most understanding person of who and what I am, I choke on my words and can’t get anything out. I think I’m going to try writing out how I feel so he can read it from now on, then progress to speaking if I can. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed all the time, and I hate how disabled I feel in everything I do.

I’m going to keep playing Skyrim and working through my flashbacks as best as I can. Also, just as an FYI, I don’t have a psychologist as I cannot afford one, and at this point in my life, I am no longer able to trust the medical system (especially mental health) to do right by me. I am attending a PTSD group therapy online, but for the last few months, other alters have sabotaged it until I took over, and now we have alarms set so that whoever is fronting will know they need to attend. I’m hoping it helps, but I’m not holding my breath. We also likely have AuDHD (which we’ve also been trying to come to terms with) so that’s contributing to the general confusion of everything as well.

Anyway, that’s all for now. If anyone read this far, I appreciate it 💙

hihi we're still new to the concept of having DID and it's been a strange thing to navigate especially since we're finally in a household that is supportive. I know it's very person to person but i was curious on how other systems learn their alters name. For the case of our host we had to help her pick a name, which we're still working on since it was hard for her to feel seperate from our singletsona.

For others, their names came as...thoughts? if thats the best way to phrase it, basically we'd be communicating and i'd hear the name Gigi for example and then that alter would stop talking, like they've been pulled away from front.

I wonder if anyone else can relate to this, finding names through alters telling you vs picking them

I see people online- or occasionally talk to someone in a mental health setting- and the topic of “parts” comes up.

on a logical level I understand how parts work would help anyone but I have this weird obsession over it and how non-DID people are like “creating” a system. I know it’s genuinely none of my business and I don’t bring it up to people.

I also know that it kind of helps me because when other people say “part of me” or “my inner child” it makes it easier for me to talk about my parts without “outing” myself as a system. But sometimes people will say like “my 11 year old part” “my 16 year old part” my whatever X age part. and i’m like.. is that part of IFS too? that feels weird to say that about yourself if you don’t have DID and you don’t have those parts for real?

my teenage parts feel stuck. and it’s like annoying to see people kind of talk about it in this sort of light and fluffy way like oh i just love nurturing my inner child and i love healing my inner teenager and it’s like.. I don’t? i AM that teenager and it sucks ass. there’s not a lot of fun sisterly bonding or something.

idk. there’s a “part of me” that feels like it makes it even harder to understand myself because apparently everyone has these parts in their head, so what makes me so different? it’s clearly all the same?

i’d love to hear your opinions

(written by our 30 year old and 14 year old parts)

thanks :)