u/jxjxmxnxnxxnxn

First off, I am one of the protectors in our system. We went no contact with family for close to a year after a shattering of memories finally made sense. We were in the hospital for close to a month and haven’t responded to the insane amount of messages, calls, guilt inducing voicemails or mail. We had to focus on us for a change while healing. Well….we just received a call from our home city we lived next to and looked it up and it is a domestic violence number in that city….we didn’t answer for obvious reasons. We don’t know what to do. We are shaking all over. Could this be something we opened up about from childhood…? Or a welfare check from said family with no contact? We are scared. I am trying to be strong by reaching out before I should the system a true reason for us to all sit with this. I am trying to block as much visibility from our system at this point. Help me protect them. Help me protect us.

Honestly, personally I feel it’s the opposite…those are the memories that have come back for me to process…it’s so hard to live in a world no one understands how trauma effects the brain, no matter the age…

I went no contact about 6 months ago. After unlocking memories about both of my parents. I truly don’t know that I feel much for my mother because being a mother myself, I’d never do things she did. My father called this abuse “loving me” so it’s so hard to retire my thought process that that was abuse & that is not love. Even if he was sweet about it. Incredibly emotionally able to calm me down. Seeming to have sound mind. So I built a deep trauma bond. Hid everything he did to me after telling my mother what he had done & being told he does it to her too. MAAM WE ARE NOT THE SAME. Sorry, parts jump in for comedic relief..
Anyways, back to it eh?
But I didn’t have the bad memories before recently. I just remember him being so incredibly patient & empathetic. I’ve even asked him prior if there was anything he could remember that I MAY HAVE DONE SEXUALLY TO HIM & he stopped me to explain why that was wrong…..he said absolutely nothing comes to mind…….this was years ago when these parental figures of mine were deeply “understanding & supportive” except with EMDR but knowing of my DID diagnosis on top of so many others that they could’ve helped treat from a young age but chose not to. HMMM EH THATS WEIRD, MATE, EHH?
With Mother’s Day my mother texted me. I responded back a simple “happy Mother’s Day” with my father? Neither of them know this information I “unlocked” so they’re confused & have been for months but I set that boundary, I’m protecting all of me & my children. I feel intense guilt over the relationship I have had to cut for my children with them…they were “amazing grandparents” but how can I trust them with my babies if I wasn’t protected? I can’t handle that thought. I won’t allow it to consume me anymore. Why do I feel such guilt over a simple Father’s Day text? He taught me a lot of good….but he destroyed my outcome from the beginning. I didn’t have a chance at life….I’m fixing what many adults broke. But when your parents do? Not just non family, but the ones who prayed for you….lost 2 babies just to get you? How? Why? They broke those relationships due to their actions. Not mine…why am I worried about this? Not allowing him to see I am grateful for him in certain ways? His life is apparently on edge from the minimal information I’ve been told to try to push me to talk to him…”I don’t want you to have any regrets…..you and your dad were always so close” meanwhile I’m understanding so many things & trying to process it. I can’t just forget it….how do I even do this anymore? My kids miss them so much…but it is not safe…it will never be okay….

Pretty much what I’m truly wondering is about B. Spears. I just can…relate to it, is this what anyone else is wondering? Not to mention GRB (Gypsy) I do not relate to the things she’s said or done, however…I don’t think she was “playing” it up to relate to her boyfriend. Seeing her out of prison, you can just recognize changes that are quite dramatic. I know this is controversial but I don’t want to ask any other group because no one else understands DID truly. Just something I’m curious if anyone else has questioned.