u/brainweirdfreakazoid

like most with this sort of disorder, we can fall into the "im faking all of this" mentality incredibly easily. last week, however, we had a moment that kind of put a lot of that to rest. weve been under more stress than we can manage properly these days, and finally caved in on the kitchen floor. our household members had just left for work, so we didnt have anyone to hold onto.

we ended up holding onto ourselves (and our dog. bless him). we let go of the loneliness weve been dealing with. a more emotionally stable / regulated part (...waves awkwardly) stepped in when he felt like enough had been felt, and just like that. it was over. everyone else found their means of comfort within the headspace. i went about our day like nothing had even happened. i was aware of it, and able to examine it more closely than the others, because it doesnt hurt me like it would them.

weve always aimed for "functional". i think we're at least on the right track. thats all. enjoy your day / night 🫶🏻

we aren't open about being plural irl, save for with our spouse, who is also a system themself. that said, we were talking with a coworker last night, and she did something incredibly odd but hilarious. she leaned in closer and looked us in the eyes Very Intensely. leaned away. and said "sorry, i just wanted to make sure i was talking to the right [name]! sometimes your eyes look different. it almost feels like talking to someone else." shes in her mid-30s, and is just recently starting to learn about mental disorders in general, such as anxiety and ptsd. it isn't likely she knows what d.i.d. even *is*, yet she still managed to catch us off guard. it felt important to share this, since i know being "clocked" in real life can be scary or intimidating as a concept. just know, it isn't *always* bad to be—sometimes it literally changes nothing at all.

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take care of yourselves out there ♡

the internet needs to go away. technology came far enough and then went too far (which isnt shocking by any means). humanity has been speed-running every form of greed and gluttony since its beginning. we've just hit the late exponential zone in the last. ohhh we'll say 50 years or some shit. kids can hardly read anymore. the planet is on fire and we're worried about "looksmaxxing influencers"? most of the worlds "leadership" is corrupt in one way or another and we're just. what. gonna let it keep happening? like. we all see it right. we all have to see it. theres no way Not To the way everyones glued to their screens 24/7 and how pervasive the global news is in every corner. get punched in the gut by another mass casualty announcement (pictures and videos included dont worry!) then give your nervous system whiplash with a heartwarming story about a stray dog. no wonder everyone is so fucked in the head anymore. im ready to walk into the woods and never be seen again. im so over it. its so stupid.

...i'm really considering getting a second opinion on my diagnosis. taking steps to heal my traumas has done a lot of good for me, yes, but it's also caused me to do a lot of reflecting on everything that was going on around the time i was hospitalized. not to mention, said psych ward is kind of sketchy. they refused to address my concern about possibly having ocd, amongst other things i wanted to touch on, and also never directly told me what type of bipolar i even allegedly have. i take my meds like i'm supposed to, and don't want to do anything drastic or unsafe. in fact, i never really have. ive never struggled with spending issues. ive had one instance of hypersexuality, and even with that, nothing ever came from it. i never had physical contact with anyone. yes, i struggle to sleep and eat sometimes. yes, my mind moves quickly. but it's always been that way. i'm tired of questioning every single thing i do on a scale from rational to irrational. i just wanna live like a regular person again.