u/rosegarden0504

I am so confused what to feel about my family (especially parents). I know they can be a little emotionally immature and made their mistakes in parenting but I just don’t see how it could have been traumatic enough to cause a severe dissociative disorder. I really can’t see them being „bad people“, on the contrary.
Just spent a few days with them and the in-laws and everyone was perfectly nice and got along well. But I feel so empty inside and secretly have very dark and depressed thoughts. I felt like living a lie the whole time.
It feels like I love and hate my parents at the same time, they feel familiar and also like strangers.
I want to see them more and also never want to see them again. Is that different parts having different opinions? Also I have weird somatic symptoms, sudden pain, inflammation and extreme exhaustion in the body whenever I meet them. I cant sleep and cry at night when no one is there. Am I missing information because I am an ANP? Could others alters really be suffering because I am spending time with the parents?

Someone I thought should have a professional view on DID used the words “the less good parts”. And said “you have to keep one foot in reality”. It is really upsetting because many of my alters, especially littles aready think they are bad and don’t deserve to be there. There is already so much self doubt all the time. I fortunately am able to differentiate clearly between imagination (for example inner worlds) and reality. But of course some parts have flashbacks and dissociative episodes and are somehow stuck in the past and that is still their reality because they didn’t have a chance to feel safe in the present yet.
They don’t deserve to be gaslit again, especially from people who are in a position to know better.
I try so hard to be there for the child alters and tell them they are good, all of them deserve respect and care and even if their actions might not always be helpful nowadays, they probably needed to develop them to survive our past. I am sick of people who should know better (because of their position) not understanding DID. It’s hard enough trying to understand it myself

Many of my friends are having little children now and when visiting them, my child alters often get really sad because they know they can never be “real children” again and experience a different childhood. I thought they might be happy playing and doing childfriendly activities and children usually like me because maybe they feel I understand them in a different way, but I am not sure whether it makes it worse for my child alters.
It makes it hard to keep friendships alive because although I never show it, it often makes me really sad to be around them. Also they almost never have time which is probably completely normal when being a new parent and I want to be there and support them and be understanding but many little alters struggle a lot with feeling abandoned.
A two year old son of a friend is in his autonomy phase and told me I was not allowed to play whith his toys, which of course as an adult I don’t take personally but a two year old little alter started crying inside and now feels uncomfortable around him.
I want to keep spending time with my friends and their children but want to help my my child alters as well. (My friends know about DID but it is always masked so I am not sure whether they completely believe it).

feeling like therapy is impossible and things will only get worse. Some parts keep preventing others from processing or even mentioning anything traumatic. Just so exhausted from trying to do everything right, working hard in therapy to get rewarded with more pain and tired of pretending to be hopeful. Feels like we will stay stuck like this feeling horrible forever. Can’t go back to functioning and working and having a life and can’t go forward either. No one seems to know how to help and everyone will lose patience sooner or later.