u/Gloomy_Owl_777

she was groped and no one cared. they think apathy is the same as spirituality and I tried to speak up so many times but they told me im no better than the person who groped her bc we’re all alcoholics. they didnt do anything and my friend was raped many times as a 6 year old so she was triggered and relapsed and they just kicked her out. and then she died of overdose a year later. i was harassed by so many creeps in AA, and I have my own sexual trauma and dont know how to tell people not to touch me, but my body language should be enough for people to see that I’m uncomfortable but it’s like they don’t care…almost died because of AA. i was groped too and it took me two years to realize that I had been groped and as soon as I realized, I fled that place bc i knew no one would help me.

it’s been over two years since my friend died and I still feel raw about it. she was 5 years younger than me. we were both trans. We both suffered from psychosis. We both had hallucinated our parents watching us while we died. We both were failed as children and adults by authority figures many times. she had been homeless for 9 months before we met in rehab. I was 25 and she was 20. she was my baby. I bought her food and clothes and I took her to the beach and we would run around the sand in our underwear. one day she told me that she saw all I had done for her and that she trusted me. i wish I could hold my baby again.

Hi, I really appreciate this sub, it's been invaluable for me deprogramming from the program, and recovering from recovery.

For some context, I moved to a sober house/recovery community 3 years ago, relocated cities, lived there for two years and left a year ago. I did the steps, went to AA meetings, got a sponsor, but I left AA while I was living there because the program did absolutely nothing for me and I was sick of feigning belief in things I don't really believe just to be approved of socially. I actually improved after I left AA, everyone commented on it, so it wasn't the thing that helped me to recover, it was at best incidental.

The past year has been hell, I have had a no-fault eviction and have had to deal with homelessness and living in temporary accommodation. My housing situation is sorted now and I am in a stable place. I have been going back to the recovery community socially during this time but I feel alienated from them, like I am in it but no longer of it. It's a very insular world where everything is framed in terms of "recovery" it is the defining thing for everyone's identity and it insulates people from the real world in a recovery bubble.

I have had problems with alcohol during the past year, falling into a pattern of heavy, dependent almost daily drinking. I reached out to the recovery house in the summer last year but I found their response unhelpful, I was told by the manager that "nothing you have done has worked" (what the fuck did he think I was doing the two years I was there and sober?)and that I needed to go back to 12 step meetings. The other members of staff said the same thing, despite them never having done the steps or going to meetings, they are very keen to promote it. So I thought to myself, "why bother?" And gave up on asking them for support with my drinking. I've heard the judgemental way they talk about people who "relapse" and their attitude is like it's a failure, sober time is everything in that world and it determines how legitimate you are and your social rank.

Recently, a month ago, I stopped drinking and got withdrawals. Took myself to A&E and they kept me in for a few days and gave me some Librium, which helped. I run a mental health peer support group at the recovery house, I started it myself because I think a lot of people with substance misuse problems have underlying mental health difficulties, but they don't get help for them or everything is interpreted through the lens of "recovery" and addiction. I had to tell the recovery house I couldn't do it because I was in hospital. They knew why as well.

Anyway, I received a card from everyone, which was nice. But on it my former support worker, let's call her A, who is an absolute Big Book thumping XA zealot, had written "hope to see you back in the rooms soon" which kind of pissed me off, because I have decided I'm never going back there. Why does everything always circle back to AA and "the rooms" even from staff who don't practice the program? Why is it never, "hope you find a recovery pathway that works for you" or "hope you go back to SMART recovery" or whatever? Why do they have the attitude that me drinking somehow validated 12 step, and implies that I should go back to it?

Anyway, I received a message from A asking me to go for coffee. This is after a year of her suggesting it every time I see her, me giving her my availability, then her not following through. But now that I'm back from a "relapse" she wants to use it as an opportunity to 12th step me back into the fellowship? That's what it felt like, so I made an excuse about being busy. A few weeks later I got another message just asking me how I am. I replied that I am ok, pursuing forms of mental health and recovery support that are appropriate for me, I'm keeping things fairly private but I appreciate her checking in with me. Then I left it at that. She replied just saying"that's good to hear"

I have been a month sober, engaging with my local NHS substance misuse service, attend Sober Faction and Lifering meetings online, I go to a DBT discussion group, I continue doing the mental health group but otherwise avoiding the recovery house, although it was something that once helped me, I no longer find it a good fit for where I'm at and there are a lot of things that are problematic about it. The staff have a "we know best" attitude and I feel like support and approval are very much conditional on you performing recovery the "right way". Of course, none of them see what I am doing outside of their world and they probably assume I'm drinking again, but fuck them, why do I need their approval?

Anyway, yesterday I got a phone call from the AA 12th step line. Apparently my number had been put on the list for a "12th step call". I was absolutely furious about it because this means that someone in the recovery community has shared my number with them without my consent. I explained the situation to the woman from AA who phoned, she agreed that it shouldn't have happened and apologised on behalf of AA and said she would remove my number from the list.

The audacity of whichever stepper did this is off the scale. They have presumptuously decided that I need help from AA and decided to give them my number, without asking me. I am really pissed off about it. I don't know who it was, I suspect it was A but I don't know. They might have had helpful intentions, because AA is all they know, but an incident like this just drives me further away and makes me hate AA even more

The only thing tying me to the recovery house is the mental health group, which I find genuinely rewarding and valuable to do. Otherwise I would withdraw from that cliquey, culty community completely.

Anyway, thanks for reading, I know it's a bit long but just wanted to get it off my chest

TLDR: lived in a recovery house, did the steps, thought it was a load of rubbish, stopped going to AA, moved out a year ago, was made homeless, started drinking again, went to hospital with withdrawal a month ago, steppers and recovery house staff trying to get me to go back to XA, I am doing my own thing (Sober Faction, Lifering, mental health support, Antabuse, support from NHS services) sober a month, got a phone call yesterday from AA helpline, someone has given them my phone number without my consent, pissed off!

Edit: TLDR added