Self-rumination and journey towards being less self-referential
So... I wasn't sure how else to word this. I'm not talking about selflessness & conventional understanding of that term. But rather, I am interested in just... thinking of myself less? Like, becoming less entangled in the trauma identity, my past, etc. And even my current identity. I find that I constantly ruminate on Who Am I? which has led me into reflecting on many topics related to psychology, philosophy, religion, spirituality, etc, and purpose.
It's hard to exactly explain but... I feel happier, more content, more in the flow with life when I forget that I have some sort of identity. And it's not dissociation, it's like feeling as though my whole capital-S Self is truly there.
I'm not really interested in typical mindfulness / meditation, Buddhist or yogic frameworks, gurus, spiritual leaders or anything similar to that. I've studied those to death. I'm more talking about the actual EXPERIENCE. Not tied to concepts. I find the more I move into that... it's almost like my trauma never existed. And I'm just ALIVE. I finally feel real and connected in these moments. But then every time I suddenly get anxious, like, "you shouldn't feel this way and the other shoe is gonna drop", and I become constantly self-conscious again.
So, I'm not sure what advice I am seeking honestly??? But I am wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how to continue living from this space.