u/dorianfinch

Had a performance in public and the ex who probably cheated on me was there (I think with a date?) and.... Fucking why? Why would you come there and watch me? Why? What's wrong with you? I leave you alone why can't you leave me alone? Why ruin the one good thing I have going for me? Why break my heart in front of my friends? Fucking why? What did I ever do to you other than love you? I kinda wanna die (not in any danger, just fantasizing about a quick escape from my shitty ass day lol) I feel defeated, like all the progress I made getting over you is undone. Maybe that was your intention. I hate myself.

trying hard not to be a people pleaser anymore, but certain things really trigger my fawn instinct, with the most common one (because it's very innocuous and happens all the time) being misunderstood, especially emotionally

e.g. someone thinks i'm mad, but i'm not; someone thinks i'm sad, but i'm not; someone thinks i'm offended, but i'm not; someone thinks i'm insulting them, but i'm not, etc.......

this feeling instantly triggers me and makes me want to change my entire personality and mask extremely hard (i am various kinds of neurodivergent lol) to make sure it never happens again. i find myself over-explaining, apologizing, defensive, embarrassed, and don't know how a normal healthy human would respond. I already know why this happens and it's a long story for my therapist (tl;dr: parents were extremely invalidating and wouldn't believe me) but i'm more looking to hear anecdotal stuff from other folks who may have been in the same boat or get triggered by the same things

today's completely minor trigger:

saw a post online by a comedian where they joke about ways to politely not-compliment friends whose music you don't like, and shared the post to my social media because i thought it was funny, along with an observation that i would rather someone be brutal and honest rather than fake but nice. someone immediately replied asking if i was ok, i think misinterpreting my comment as referring to something specific (e.g. someone disliking my art) rather than a general observation

and i deleted the post INSTANTANEOUSLY lmao because the thought of people misunderstanding my intentions gives me hives haha even if they're reaching out out of concern/care. then i felt mad at myself for deleting it because i worried i was being a people pleaser and letting other people's opinions affect me too much.

i want to move away from this knee-jerk people-pleaser reaction, but at the same time, i do think it is important to communicate clearly so as to be understood by the people around me! how to balance these things? how to avoid being misunderstood without completely backtracking and erasing myself?

On my lunch break at work the other day I was wandering around a shopping area near my workplace; I do this often without the intention of actually buying anything, just passing the time and not thinking about my job for an hour. In a little gift shop i found a $10 plush cat that looked kind of like my real cat, and I felt compelled to buy her.

I put her on my work desk and now I can't stop smiling when I look at it because it reminds me of my cat who is waiting for me at home. I even put my cat's collar and nametag on it (because last year i decided that since my cat is indoors-only and hates wearing a collar, I'd let her be a nudist).

It reminds me of the "Do it for her" scene in The Simpsons, because when I feel burnt out by employment I can look at this totem that represents why I need this income.

(Secretly sometimes when no one is looking I pet the toy 🥹)

Even though I know I haven't run the gamut of human experience, after a certain age I started to feel like i'd experienced most standard everyday human things.

Swam in a river. Broke a bone. Ate fresh fruit off a tree. Heartbreak. Got fired from a job. Quit a job. Drove a motor vehicle. Etc

Well, i got braces a month ago and although I've been a nail (and skin 😬) biter whole life, now I can't bite my nails for fear of damaging my braces.

Last week I realized my nails were longer than they've ever been, there's a white part at the top! Haven't gotten a manicure yet but someday perhaps.

I planted some vegetables in my garden and now I have dirt under my nails for the very first time at 35. Annoying but also interesting because of the novelty. Gonna have to scrub this out later somehow