My mother was never shy about telling me that she wanted me so badly bc she needed someone to love her unconditionally. She got pregnant on purpose when she was 22. So I was groomed from the beginning of my life to believe my self worth and being worthy of love is based on what I can give to or provide others. How can you ever heal a wound that goes back to the womb? The thread never ends. I’m spinning out today over this. I realize my entire life has been built around this. The thing is it’s not that I’m a people pleaser, but I do often feel responsible for others comfort, happiness, and wellbeing. I feel emotions deeply and sometimes have a hard time recovering when I’m around someone who is exceptionally sad. I always thought I was just a HSP, but now I’m not sure that’s even real.

I feel like this is causing me to spin out today. It’s like my mind (maybe my ego? Maybe the part that warned me to not follow this thread?) cannot make sense of any of it. Please tell me you’ve experienced this and have come out the other side of it. How did you reconcile it? I really need encouragement today 🙏🏾

I’d just like some other CPTSD brains to give me their take on this.

Yesterday, I had my first EMDR appointment with the NHS, having waited six months. I’m a primary teacher but was signed off back in March as I was being triggered by colleagues every day with no recovery time inbetween. This resulted in daily panic attacks, a resting heart rate of 181bpm, blurred vision etc.
I resigned in May and have spent months interviewing for jobs outside of teaching with no luck so far. I also find the interview process very triggering and every rejection is another knock to my self esteem, reinforcing the core belief “I’m not good enough and I’m doing life wrong.”

Yesterday, after 40 mins of discussing with my therapist my core beliefs of “I have to do the right thing” and “I’m not good enough”, I mentioned that I’ve had three failed interviews and that it had been a horrendous time period for me. I live alone and have a mortgage to pay so I then informed her that my plan for the rest of this year is to tutor. (I’ve worked hard at building this and currently have 10 clients lined up for September).

She then proceeded to tell me that this “wasn’t a proper job”. She said tutoring is just a side hustle and something you do to earn extra pocket money for holidays; it’s not THE job. In this same spiel, she said that I don’t want to end up in deprivation because it makes EMDR much harder and set my goal to “get back into teaching”. This whole conversation happened right at the end. So I left completely blindsided and very upset. As soon as I got home, I had a massive panic attack - of which I haven’t had since I was last at work in March.

She massively triggered everything I had spent the 40 mins telling her about: I’m not good enough, I’m a failure, I’m stupid, I’m doing life wrong, I’m lazy, I’m doing the wrong thing.
I have been trying my damn hardest to get “a proper job” and tutoring is my only option atm so I just feel deflated and angry. I also now don’t feel safe to do the EMDR with her. I’m just wondering if I’m over reacting or if this was a dumb thing for her to say.

Not to brag 😉but my therapist told me she thinks I've been living in a trauma response most of my life. It was validating to hear it and it's true and also heartbreaking. Born into a highly dysfunctional family and down hill from there. I've been in therapy over the years for a variety of issues and started EMDR this year. It's never too late to recover from childhood (and young adulthood for that matter). I remain hopeful ❤️

My EMDR therapist takes very long pauses of silence multiple times a session. I’ve been seeing her for 6 months and I’m confused by it every time she does it.

For example, after I finish answering her usual question about how I’m feeling/how the weeks been, instead of responding verbally she just stays silent for 30 seconds and then takes a deep breath and says “well okay! How do you want today’s session to go”. It makes me feel like I disappointed her by not saying more?

And then after each round of the EMDR the sound will finish and she takes 20 seconds at a time before finally asking me how that felt for me. I’m not sure if she’s expecting me to verbally participate more?

Is this a normal practice? Is it intentional to force me to sit in silence multiple times a session? Or am I right to find it slightly annoying?

I feel like all I hear is about how life changing emdr is. I went to therapy 6 times a month for 5 months and I noticed zero improvement. I didn't even see improvements on small targets like my minor fear of thunderstorms. What gives?

Hi everyone, recently I have been curious about EMDR after my friend said it changed her life.

I was semi-diagnosed with PTSD around 5 years ago after a traumatic event (my bf at the time had a mental breakdown, physically assaulted me, sexually assaulted me, and then committed s*icide).

I have not sought any treatment for it and haven't been to therapy since then. Honestly, I really repressed it all and came out of it fine like I genuinely don't feel any negative emotions about it, just neutral. My best friend told me I had a choice to let it define my life or to move on and I just moved on.

I have been kind of curious about exploring this experience though. I don't know, has anyone been in a similar situation? It certainly was traumatic but it isn't really in my conscious psyche right now?

I guess I am curious about if it subconsciously is affecting me? Idk, is EMDR right?

I had my first processing session on Friday. We did a pretty deep trauma for me. After I cried a bunch and the next day. But ever since I have had non stop anxiety and panic attacks. I have Ativan to use as needed and I don't like that I've been needing it so much. The last two days has been really really hard with the anxiety. Is this normal (I have a severe panic disorder that's why I'm in Emdr) I can go weeks without anxiety and now it's just non stop 😭

Hi all, based in England (NHS) and after a long time of waiting I finally have my first EMDR appointment! I’m feel very optimistic about this treatment for myself. The appointment is going to be on Teams, I’m curious if anyone else has had this and knows what to expect? I assumed it would be in person, obviously it’s just the first appointment and no treatment is going on, but not sure if that will also be on video call when it’s time for it??

Any ideas what to expect?

I honestly feel good about this session, like a huge sense of relief and calmness.

I know every session won’t be like this, but I’m thankful I got a great first experience.

I’m 3 months into emdr and these 3 months have been awful for my weight loss. I’ve lost 85lbs recently after i healthed a binge eating disorder and I’ve gained 5lbs back in the last few months. I have about I have about 70lbs for a healthy bmi. It’s freaking me out because I’m more hungry all the time and I want to eat rubbish, I feel too tired to go to the gym often and to the same intensity as I did before. I still stick to my lower calorie meals but my emdr is making me want to eat higher calorie foods, especially in the evening. Has anyone got any advice for this?

I've always only gotten angry at myself, in any situation, like I'm incapable of getting angry at other people. Even if I'm in a fight with someone or someone does something hurtful towards me, I'd still only get angry at myself (for letting me be in the situation/getting myself in that point/being naive and so on) and not at the other person. I guess because I wasn't allowed to get angry at my abusive family so I had to internalise any anger I had growing up.

But since starting EMDR (recently, about 4 processing sessions in), after every session ends, the remaining of that day and the next couple of days I find myself incredibly angry with therapy and my therapist lol, like so enragingly angry that she puts me through thinking and speaking about those horrors of my childhood that I really only want to forget they ever happened. I udnerstand it's mostly an exposure therapy but idk, I just never want to think voluntarily about those things.

I don't really do anything about this anger, I just try to sit with it and let it be but I'm just wondering if this is common and if it will go away after a few more sessions and getting more used to the process.

I know that’s the opposite of what I should do. Logically I know this is probably good. I am dredging up things I never knew were there. Things I repressed, things I feel in my bones.

I fucking hate it. I keep thinking, wasn’t better when I just didn’t know? Aka denial? Who cares if I never had a healthy relationship?

Obviously I’m kidding. What do I do in the meantime though? This isn’t sustainable. I’m exhausted. It’s almost worse that one day I’ll feel fine and the next not.

I was wondering about other people’s experiences, I am currently doing EMDR for social anxiety mostly right now. I feel like things are getting better and I’m trying to keep a notebook of positive things that happen wrt my social anxiety, I was wondering if someone feels like they’ve been “cured” from social anxiety from EMDR lol. I am also trying some exposure therapy (very little but it’s more than before) and just making a bit more conversation with people who work at the stores I go to (I’m a teacher so I’m not seeing that many people in the summer rn lol). Idk, I’m like really hopeful but it really freaking sucks being mostly extroverted and having social anxiety I feel like I’m in jail and I have the key but I can’t let myself out. LMAO i was just curious other peoples experiences with social anxiety specifically!!!!! Ive had social anxiety since like 8th grade and it’s been sucky lol (I was so outgoing as a child I miss my old self)

I started EMDR in mid June to help with long rooted self esteem issues and feelings of ‘not being good enough’. After the first session, I had such intense flashbacks to a past relationship that I thought I’d moved past. The feelings have now moved into a mix of grief, anger, sadness and frustration. We didn’t even focus on a memory to do from the time of this relationship so it caught me entirely off guard that I became so consumed with the memories and feelings of that time post session

For context, I was with this person for 3 years and our relationship ended in the later part of last year - to keep a long story short, it was my first big love and someone I fell head over heels for. I spent my early to mid twenties growing with this person, whilst at the same time dealing with emotional abuse they enacted and coming to terms with my own avoidant behaviour and struggling to communicate my emotions fully. When the relationship ended (via text) after a few heavy conversations and some time apart, I felt sad but also relief and took the time to take care of myself.

Then, at New Years, I unexpectedly met someone at a party and we got on really well. We had both unbeknown to the other come out of long term relationships and had a great time together. The first 6 months the relationship were great and getting to know each other and its quirks but since starting EMDR (and now also living together!), I’ve been overwhelmed with these memories of my last relationship, struggled with intimacy and just energy in general.

I’ve been open with my partner and they’ve been incredibly understanding but I can’t help for feeling guilty for being transfixed on these memories of my ex and not able to move forward from them when it felt like months ago I had and they didn’t even pop up in my head.

Has anyone else experienced this? I’d love to know what you did to navigate it all x

Does anyone else struggle to know where they feel things in their body?

During EMDR sessions over a wide variety of areas, I seem to only feel ‘negative’ sensations in the same places: the tightness in the throat and chest, the choking feeling like I can’t talk without crying, slumping over and trying to make myself physically smaller, fidgeting with my buzzers. I have yet to feel anything anywhere else.

On the flip side, I am really struggling to notice ‘positive’ sensations. I was given sensation and descriptor words to help me along- but I really am struggling to feel anything besides an absence of the ‘negative’ sensations.

Are these things normal?
Is there a timeframe where I will begin to be more attuned with my body?
Is there anything I can do to help myself?

Anyone?

I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. It officially ended 7 months ago but dragged on up until we went no contact 3 weeks ago. We were both toxic. Both have CPTSD. Both triggered each others trauma.

I’ve worked hard to get over him and have seen it as a blessing as it pushed me to get into EMDR and get into therapy. I don’t wish him the best but I wish him healing.

Therapy has been hard some days I’m hyper vigilant, anxious, sick and other days totally fine.

Anyway, I met someone in the wild which I feel like never happens but I don’t know if it’s a good idea to date as I go through therapy. I’ll say I’m on edge about it. I’m not looking for my forever person or even a relationship but I don’t want to stay in a hole forever. I don’t know if I’m on edge about it because my body is telling me I’m not ready or if he’s normal and I’m used to chaos.

Any thoughts?

I (33f) have been attending therapy since February and my therapist started EMDR last week. The day of and after the session I seemed more focused, relaxed, and positive. The following 2 days I have been waking up super early 5am and feeling irritated, sluggish, and just blah.

My husband (38m) was very supportive the day of the session. I noticed a shift in him the day after and he’s been spiraling since. It doesn’t seem to matter how I respond or show up to support him. He says he can’t talk to anyone because they read between the lines and respond to nothing he’s said.

This has caused me to feel hopeless. I try being compassionate and understanding. In turn I get my head bit off. It’s exhausting. I’ve walked away from conversations multiple times because of his behavior and tone.

How can I, while healing, help him & encourage him to understand my perspective as well?

I have had 10+ years of therapy in my life, I am now 25.

I am starting my fourth 'round' of EMDR next week, because after finally having had two years of peace, the panic attacks and nightmares came back last year.

I have been back to EMDR therapists three times now bc every time I finish treatment I leave feeling relieved and happy only to knock at a therapists door again one or two years later because every complaint came back.

I am also on a waiting list for a more specialised team, to finally look into the possibilities of autism, borderline, depression, possible medication or deeper therapy, but the waiting list is over a year.

From how it feels I think maybe in two years I might have more answers, but this will never ever be 'fixed'. Not that it needs fixing, but the broken nights almost every night because of nightmares or simply waking up without a reason 3-4 times a night, the broken days once or twice a week due to panic attacks...

It's just too much. That on top of the insecurities that keep returning, the anxieties, the fears, the pain...

When will it end? When will it finally get better? When will I be able to live without it returning even worse than the time before? When will treatment finally help in the long run?

When will the surviving stop, and living begin?