u/Soft_Variation_71

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to share something with all of you that I did yesterday after my session. I finally installed the positive belief that my feelings matter, which took me three processing sessions. I normally have my therapy in the mornings, but yesterday my appointment was in the afternoon, so I made a plan to avoid the 5:00pm traffic.

A friend suggested that I could go to the beach and journal after my session and see if the symptoms I usually feel after therapy subsided a little. Well, I went a little further than that and also brought my running gear to go for a run after journaling. A bold move because my past experiences with EMDR have been feeling sleepy, tired, sad, and so on...But my plan was that I was only going to do these things if I felt like it, and if I didn't, I would go home. The thing is that I normally feel too self-conscius and afraid to go alone anywhere. I still do things by myself, but I always feel anxious. Yesterday was different. I went to the beach and felt something I never did before while being with myself, fearless. I was aware of my surroundings and felt present in my body; it felt amazing.

I journaled about my session and spent a little time after just watching the waves and being in a calm present state. Then I went for a 4-mile run with my headphones on and listened to music. I have to tell you, I haven't been able to listen to music for the past three months after my ex broke up with me, and I've always loved music so not being able to listen to it made me feel like something was missing. I felt anchored, grounded, regulated and peaceful.

Today I woke up feeling neutral, but remembering what I did yesterday is helping me stay present and grateful. I know that EMDR hangover for me is imminent, but I feel so proud of myself for what I did yesterday. When the sadness and other symptoms hit, I just have to remember that good days are ahead, and I can make them happen.

I hope you all can have days like this, where you feel peace within yourselves. Thank you for reading!

I was talking to my therapist yesterday about how I used to do difficult and challenging things before starting EMDR. Back when I was wearing a mask to the world and suppressing my emotions, but now I feel so vulnerable and exposed that I don't have the capacity to deal with situations that require too much from me emotionally.

For example: I was given an opportunity to give an oral presentation about how to make a healthy recipe at a private school. It was only 20 people and less than 30 minutes long, but I have never done that in a scenario where I was not a student. I agreed at first, but then I cancelled because I felt so overwhelmed with anxiety, fear of judgement, insufficiency, rejection and shame. I realized that I was intimidated. I grew up poor and studied at public schools, which were some of the good ones, but nothing compares to private education where I come from. I felt less than.

I just couldn't do it because all of the emotions I suppressed for years are coming to the surface and I don't want to have to put a facade anymore. I want to do these things being my authentic self and I realized that I don't have that capacity right now. I am doing IFS by myself too, and I acknowledged the part of me who was terrified of doing this. I told her that I was not going to make her do anything she doesn't feel comfortable doing yet, that I see her, love her and that I won't make her invisible again or ignore her.

I thought myself to be brave and I took pride in doing hard and challenging things in my adulthood. I was the kind of person that relentlessly pursued her goals in life even if I was scared or I completely ignored my needs if it meant that I was going to meet my goals. I decided to be honest with myself and came to terms with the fact that right now, I am doing one of the hardest, most challenging things I have ever done in my thirty-six years of life; work in my inner world. Even if that means putting other goals on hold until I build the capacity to handle the journey with authenticity. But I am also scared that I won't be able to do it.

Has anyone gone through something like this that can give me some insight as of what's going on or if I am missing something?