I thought I'd address this today because my intake forms had about 5 clients who used this phrase in just the last 2 weeks.

So, these clients - they're in this brutal trap - They've read the books (body keeps the score is a popular one), some even know their attachment style and can name the pattern, a few others can also map out exactly how their parents' unresolved issues created their triggers. Very good intellectual insight into their trauma.... but still.. nothing is changing.

Tried talk therapy, CBT, psychoanalysis, yoga, meditation....

But, they still dissociate, still go completely numb/shutdown, still rage out; The executive dysfunction is crushing - You "know better," but you still can't "do better."

The way I see this is... it's not about failing, it's trying to solve a core nervous system survival programmed response at the conscious, logical, thinking prefrontal cortex level.

For a lot of people, intellectualizing trauma is a brilliant survival skill (I've written on this before). Growing up in chaotic, abusive, or emotionally empty environments, our brains learned: If I can just analyze the threat, if I can figure out exactly WHY they are acting this way, I can predict it and stay safe.

Pattern recognition became the armor. It kept them alive.

But now, that exact same armor steps in to protect them from actually feeling the raw emotion. Because to a dysregulated nervous system, feeling that original pain feels like dying - I mean to say that it sees it as a threat to survival, very uncomfortable.

This is exactly why standard CBT or talk therapy eventually may hit a brick wall for CPTSD. For those who have read that book by Kolk (which I'm not a great fan of, btw, owing to the questionable take on CSA and other topics especially), he puts it this way: "Talk therapy is a "top-down" approach." It's great for cognitive reframing. But when you're dealing with chronic emotional numbness or dorsal vagal shutdown (that deep "freeze" state), just talking about the trauma actually becomes a high-level form of avoidance. You end up talking in circles for years without ever moving the physical charge out of your body.

To actually break the loop, the work has to go "bottom-up."

You don't need more insight. You have plenty of insight. You need to bypass the intellect and start working with how your body is physically holding that survival energy. Whether that's through somatic experiencing, EMDR, or parts-work (IFS), the goal isn't to figure out the "why" anymore. The goal is to give your nervous system the visceral experience of safety in the present moment - so it can finally turn off the alarms from 15 years ago.

This is one of those reasons retraining Emotional Vocabulary and Somatic experiences becomes very important in EMDR resourcing/processing sessions. The reason I wrote this is to stress upon that in such clients, it may (ironically) work well to ask them NOT to use thoughts - keep them aside and work with just feeling emotions and sensations (after good resourcing).

Give yourself a break... it's not because of a lack of willpower... it's because you need to target a different system altogether.

PS: As much as I refer to theories and concepts like Polyvagal and the Window of Tolerance, or even pop psychology books, I do this not because they are completely scientifically unassailable (the theories have some substance to them, don't get me wrong), but because it helps clients form a bridge from knowing about trauma to understanding trauma and human biology.

I've been doing a lot of personal research to find psychological theories that are much more scientifically and biologically sound (I come from a medical background), AND ALSO highly accessible to clients (who are in distress, at times already with cognitive overload from trauma). I'm yet to find one to replace much of the theories I base my writeups on. So, keep that in mind, for whoever likes technicalities...

A lot of people with trauma relate to these: Constantly re-reading texts to see if you phrased something correctly, over-explaining yourself - wanting to be sure you've not been misunderstood, or needing frequent confirmation from a partner or friend that you're behaving "as expected/appropriate" for that situation/space.

From a medical and trauma therapy perspective, I feel the chronic need for external reassurance isn't a personality flaw, but rather a symptom of a missing internal structure - a sense of self: What are my needs, goals, what decision do I take, how do I behave, etc. etc...

Let me explain with some analogies I commonly use:

1. The Child Growing Up: The Missing Internal Blueprint

A child isn't born knowing how to calm its own nervous system. When a toddler is distressed, a healthy caregiver provides the external regulation: holding, soothing words, a safe presence. This is what's called as co-regulation. The first time this happens, the hug means nothing to the child and they may keep crying. Through repetition, the child's brain internalizes that support exists and that it'll come, and come consistently - not just present at times, and absent at other times. Eventually, an internal voice forms, that says something like: "It's okay, you're safe. You're capable."

In complex trauma or inconsistent attachment, this process breaks. If the source of "closeness" was also a source of threat - like a caregiver who was loving one moment and volatile the next - in such a state of unpredictability the brain never forms a reliable internal model for safety and self-worth. The adult "compass" for validation now has to point externally for a reference, because the internal one was never calibrated.

So, you become dependent on external signals - a good grade, a positive comment, chasing laurels, a partner's words, feedback from peers during socialising - just to feel regulated. Your sense of worth is conditional and unstable, because it's wired to be sourced from outside.

2. How This "Chameleon" Shows Up Daily

You might not feel "traumatized." You just feel like a chronic overthinker or a perfectionist. But underneath the cognition, the pattern runs on a loop:

The Planning: You draft an email multiple times, you plan on what to say next when interacting with friends or socialising - each time mentally rehearsing how the recipient might misinterpret it. You're not just communicating; you're trying to control the external response to pre-empt a feeling of internal shame or defectiveness. You don't want to slip up...

The Performance: Your worth is subconsciously tied to a dashboard of metrics - productivity, likes, visible achievements, certificates, allocades, or just working towards some new goal. A dip in any metric doesn't just feel like a setback - it feels like an erosion of self, requiring an urgency to fix (something). This is because your system lacks the internal figure that says, "Your value exists independently of this output, independent of performing."

The Hypervigilance: Your friend's is having a bad day, and a slight change in the tone of their voice triggers you. You leave a conversation and immediately replay it, scanning for clues that you were accepted or rejected. This isn't just social anxiety; it's your threat center (amygdala) actively hunting for external data to confirm safety, because it cannot generate that safety signal internally.

The constant seeking is an attempt to fill a structural gap. It's exhausting.

3. The EMDR Approach: "Manual Installation" of the Missing Figures

In EMDR, particularly in the preparation phase (Phase 2), we don't just talk about this pattern. We use a technique called Resource Development and Installation (RDI) to build the missing internal architecture.

This is a process of conscious "reparenting" - giving your nervous system the reference points it never got. We do this by creating specific internal resource figures/essences. Think of it as building your own internal board of advisors that is available 24/7.

All of this work is done under free-association using bilateral stimulation, instead of the conscious mind - so you don't need to actually have any reference figures(clients may have never had any person who made them feel safe), we find what the mind already links to the felt sense around them, and resource that.

As an example, here are the two core figures/essences we often start with, and why they directly target the reassurance/safety trap:

A. The Unconditional Acceptance / Nurturing Figure

What it addresses: The core wound of conditional worth ("I am only good if I achieve"). It targets perfectionism, the fear of being misunderstood, and the performance dashboard.

The Script: "Allow your mind to let an image, feeling, or essence to emerge that embodies complete, unconditional acceptance. This figure values you independently of your productivity or performance. It sees your worth as inherent. As you connect with it, notice the somatic shift - perhaps warmth in your chest, a relaxation in your shoulders, a deeper breath. This is the feeling of being enough, exactly as you are, without explanation."

Why it works: It provides the direct somatic antidote to the shame that drives reassurance-seeking. It begins to generate the feeling of worth from inside, reducing the desperate need to source it from outside.

B. The Wise Observer / Protector Figure

What it addresses: The hypervigilant scan and the intellectual over-analysis. It targets the part that obsessively replays conversations and needs external data to feel safe.

The Scrip: "Let your mind drift to a figure or essence with a tone of calm authority and perspective. This could be a protector, a wise elder, or even a part of yourself. This figure can stand between you and the 'bad voices' - the internal critic or the external stressor. It observes your patterns with compassion but doesn't get caught in the whirlwind. As you feel its presence, notice a physical sense of 'good cold' or settled strength in your body - the feeling of being backed up, of having an internal shield."

Why it works: It builds an internal authority. This figure provides the reassurance you seek from others, but from within. It says, "I see the situation. You are okay." This slowly rewires the circuit away from external scanning.

4. The Neurobiological Wiring

Trauma responses are habit loops in the brain. The reassurance-seeking loop is: Feel uncertain -> Seek external data -> Temporary relief -> Loop repeats.

Building these figures is about creating a new loop. By repeatedly pairing a cue word (like "Acceptance" or "Observer") with the specific somatic sensation (the warmth, the settled strength) during gentle bilateral stimulation (like slow tapping), you are literally wiring a new neural pathway.

You're teaching your amygdala (the threat center) that safety and worth can be generated internally. When that center fires, instead of shutting down your prefrontal cortex (logic) and forcing you to seek external validation, it can now access these installed resources. It brings the logical, compassionate part of your brain back online.

Safety, in this context, isn't an intellectual concept. It's a somatic felt sense. For many, the brain has no reference for what "safety" should feel like in the body. These figures build that reference, from the ground up.

Unraveling a lifetime of seeking external validation isn't linear. But if you find yourself exhausted by the need to check, confirm, and explain, understand this: you aren't broken or weak. Your nervous system is operating from a blueprint that lacked certain essential supports.

The work is about manually installing those supports. It's about building an internal sanctuary, so the constant search outside can finally come to an end.

So, I was to write on the progression of emotions through EMDR processing (anger and grief, etc etc to eventual empowerment), but someone requested this topic....

So, we know it's common for people to suffer for decades, jumping between specialists, before finally landing in an EMDR (trauma) therapist's chair.

And, as someone from the medical field, I can openly admit that a big reason for this is that the clinical medical field has a massive blind spot when it comes to CPTSD.

As doctors, we have patterns which are easy to match. When a patient comes in with a cough, fever, and specific sounds on a steth, we know it's pneumonia. We treat the physical endpoint. But when it comes to chronic, complex trauma, the presentation isn't linear. It doesn't look like a textbook panic attack.

So, I'll use an example from a recent intake (and also the reason I picked this topic as it was very fresh in my mind, details changed for confidentiality, of course):

I had a client referred to me by a holistic gynecologist. She was about to start IVF and fertility treatments. She also had some gynaecological complaints with regards to her uterus, and had a surgery for the same - a grueling 6 hour surgery.

The gynecologist didn't send her to me just because the surgery was scary. They sent her because the client’s baseline cortisol (stress hormone) levels were running persistently high, and a body trapped in a chronic state of stress (obviously) does not want to get pregnant. It wants to survive. Which wouldn't bid well for her expensive fertility treatments.

When I asked this client about her childhood, her initial response was standard: "I don't really remember much of it, it's very faded. I don't really have any trauma, just this recent surgery."

But as we started talking, a different picture emerged. A mother who was physically and emotionally abusive. A father who couldn't provide due to circumstances, leading to severe, constant household fights. Unpredictability. Emotional neglect. She also dealt with racism and bullying at school.

If we look at the ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study, she easily scored a 4 or higher. We know scientifically that an ACE score that high alters neuronal functioning and the immune system. It keeps the threat-center of the brain constantly firing, pumping out cortisol, which exponentially increases the risk for autoimmune issues, severe inflammation (like her surgical condition), and hormonal dysregulation.

The doctors had been treating her organs for years, completely missing that her nervous system had been trapped in a survival state since she was a child.

But here is why it gets missed for decades: CPTSD is a chameleon.

From my personal experience, clients don't walk into a clinic looking "traumatized." They don't sit there shaking. Because the human mind is brilliant at survival. To keep you functioning, to keep you going to work, the brain puts a cognitive "tape" over the raw emotions (like feeling "defective," fearful, or anxious). It actively disconnects you from your body's sensations.

So, how does this chameleon actually look in daily life? Here are a few practical examples of how it runs in the background:

1.) (Extreme) People Pleasing

You act like a completely different person depending on the room you're in. At home, you're comfortable. But at work or in a social setting, you read the environment and bend your values slightly just to "fit." You become a chameleon because your nervous system learned long ago that standing out, speaking up, or being yourself leads to verbal abuse or neglect. So, you sit in meetings, perfectly knowing the answer, but a counter-voice pops up saying, "What if I'm wrong? What if it's stupid?" and you stay quiet.

2.) Cognitive Distraction/Dissociation (This is a term I've come up with as I couldn't find anything in literature to label it)
If you're lucky, you may feel a sliver of anxiety - BUT before that emotion can fully register and crash your system, your brain flips a switch. It gives you 15 excuses to go do something else, or to divert attention from that actual felt emotion.

In my client's case, she thought she was just being "healthy." She did yoga and meditation 4 times a week, tracked every single macro, tracked her daily steps, and prepared for trips weeks in advance. But she was doing it obsessively. She had to constantly have a goal.

Why? Because if she stopped moving, if she stopped doing PQRS, the cognitive distraction(dissociation, as I prefer to put it) would fall away, and she would suddenly feel the heavy, restless, somatic pressure in her chest.

(Dissociation in this sense is anything that distracts the mind from the actual emotions and sensations the body is feeling - to create distance from the discomfort, hence the reason I like to think of these cognitive explanations and perfectionistic tendencies as a form on the dissociative spectrum.)

3. Hypervigilance disguised as "Planning"

You think about the future every single day. Your mind spins 100 different ways a scenario could play out. You tell yourself you are just "planning" or "being responsible." But in reality, your threat center is scanning the horizon for danger, because when you were 7 years old, the environment was completely unpredictable. You are trying to control the future so you don't get hurt again.

___

When you live like this, you don't feel traumatized. You just feel exhausted. You feel like a shy perfectionist who overthinks. You might even laugh and make jokes about your traumatic childhood.

But underneath that cognitive tape? The baseline cortisol is still firing. The body is still waiting for the threat.

(Just a note to add here, cortisol may even be elevated in micro amounts which may not be detected by regular tests - may need tracking over the day even, but that doesn't mean it isn't high enough to cause trouble)

This is why traditional talk therapies can sometimes just spin wheels with CPTSD. If you just talk about the tracking, the workaholism, or the meeting anxiety, you're only dealing with the cognitions - the excuses the brain made up to distract you.

This is where trauma therapy and EMDR come in.

In EMDR, we don't care much about the narrative story. I regularly tell clients they don't even need to force themselves to remember their childhood (dissociative amnesia is there for a reason - to protect you). We don't need the images (other therapists may disagree here, and I'll respect that, but I do not believe it's required for therapeutic healing as much as somatic followed by emotions; Imagery is supportive for the client though, and helps with understanding the process).

We track the underlying patterns. The feeling of being "defective." The somatic pressure in the chest. The restless energy. We bypass the cognitive chameleon and go straight to the emotional and somatic charge. Once you process and burn those out, the memory loses its sting. It can't fire that threat behavior anymore.

When that happens, the cortisol finally drops. The nervous system realizes the threat is in the past. You stop having to mold yourself to every room you walk into, and you start actually moving toward the Quality of Life you want.

It takes time. Unraveling decades of chameleon survival behaviors is not a linear process. But if you catch yourself constantly exhausting yourself to blend in, over-explaining yourself, or running from goal to goal just to avoid sitting in silence... you aren't broken. Your nervous system is just doing exactly what it was programmed to do.

Normalise this. Understand the pathology. And know that the underlying circuits can be rewired.

(PS: I really don't use AI for these. The last post I made, some were accusing me of using AI, but it looked haphazard and everywhere because of the lack of it... If you have doubts about the content, drop by on discord because there's a much longer version of the same there in the general channel which I've texted, as it was a reply to a question someone had asked, and a quick post I'd made to share the same with everyone else. That being said, the reason I add this here is that it's utter frustrating to write such long posts, and then read that some AI could write this clinical experience... I can assure you 90% of this stuff doesn't come up online or in AI training, so it's highly unikely you'll get any of this content or examples. I write it because of that very reason, as it helps support tappers and clients in safer EMDR and in understanding their suffering.)

I wanted to share a bit about my approach to a specific part of EMDR Therapy, because I think there's a common misconception that can leave people feeling stuck. A lot of folks, clients and even some new therapists, think of therapy protocols as a fixed, step-by-step checklist you just run through.

In my experience the protocol is a crucial guideline - a map. But the map has to account for the terrain too, else you'll hit a wall.

This hits hardest in the "resourcing" phase (Phase 2 of EMDR). This is where we build internal tools for safety and stability before processing heavy stuff. A standard approach might be to teach a "calm safe place" exercise and move on. But what if safety itself feels confusing or threatening? What if that safe place gets immediately invaded by the very thoughts you're trying to escape?

That's where tailoring becomes important.

I have 2 approaches for this:

1.) Do the basics - container, lightstream and calm/safe place, and the moment we hit that first wall, like the safe place feeling unsafe, or thoughts that oppose loudly, we stop. We don't force it. Instead, we gently explore what a genuine feeling of safety should be like, often for the first time. We might use free association to build a "safe figure" the mind can trust, and from there - in their presence, find what a truly secure mental space feels like. This is a staggered approach - Build the reference safety figure resource, and then go back and complete the resourcing exercise that failed because of the lack of one.

We build the specific resource needed to cross that specific barrier.

2.) Do a longer Phase 2 early on:
For some, especially with complex trauma, we need a stronger basecamp before we even look at the mountain. We build nurturing and protector figures proactively. This involves collaboration between therapist and client - homework like noting down triggering thoughts and words, situations, possible negative beliefs, and us co-creating scripts and mental figures that offer the exact kind of support the person’s history has missing. For example, some of my clients are stock market traders, and one of them has over a dozen tailored resources that help manage trauma responses that directly impact their work and livelihood.

I usually mix and match both of these approaches - get enough resources to bootstrap into processing safely, and having understood how the client's system responds; And as processing goes, and you notice there are no counter-balances (thoughts and inner voices that remind client of their positive qualities and things they've done) we build the resource figure to support this lack.

So, processing is like a dance - one step phase 2, one step phase 4, and back-and-forth...

The Practical Aspect:

This is where it moves from technique to art. The resources have to resonate with your language, your culture, your mind.

• For someone spiritual, a "lightstream" resource might come from a sense of the divine. For someone from a different culture, this same approach could be dismissive.
• For a client in IT, their "container" for difficult thoughts wasn't a box - it was a meticulously visualized hard disk, reinforced with titanium wires. It worked perfectly because it made sense to them.
• In the middle of a tough memory, I’m pattern-matching in real-time: Is this a moment for a cognitive, somatic, parts-focused, attachment-based, or narrative interweave? What words will land and what might crash the client's process? It’s a high-stakes, rapid dance of observation and adaptation.

It can be mentally taxing for the therapist - those five minutes of figuring out what interweave the client's mind could relate to are intense - but necessary. The mind is incredibly adaptive, but it needs the right, personalized tools to turn the ship.

A recent example: A client on their 1st processing wanted to process a strong memory - A SUDS of 10 (high distress). We did the flash and brought it down to a 7, and from there began processing.

Immediately we hit the 1st barrier - no support against the client's NC - high externalising (which means without the external validation, we're practically stuck.) - client still at a 7-8, but feeling like breaking down...

We stopped processing and built the resource - right there in the storm... It was a slow journey as their mind built an internal phase 2 resource to support them - through free association, through guidance to set the counter-acting thoughts aside - an internal supporter, nurturer - One to provide INTERNAL validation that the client can safely rely upon to always be there for them...

Then with this resource we continued processing using something called pendulation and titration - stay with this resource for a few passes, go to the memory for 1-2 passes - repeat this a few times. It helps limit the sting of the trauma from becoming overwhelming. Also, I asked them to just focus on the emotions and body sensations as combining thoughts here could lead to overwhelm... so we had no cognitions to know what story was unfolding, but we could track adaptive changes in emotions and body sensations.

By the end of this 1st processing session, SUDS had dropped to a 4 (from a 10).

We rechecked on the memory and the client was surprised that for the FIRST time, they didn't crash and cry when recalling that memory.

I'm not asking that such should be done in every session. I work with clients where waiting for things to be perfect for processing is never going to happen because of the above issue of X relying on Y and Y relying on X loop... But my point to convey is that phase 2 is much more important than phase 4 BECAUSE of this exact reason.

Phase 2 will build lifelong stress tolerance skills. Phase 4 processing burns out the internal negative cognitions and thoughts (emotions, sensations) that bother the client, but life's external stressors will remain - job, difficult people and unexpected situations - these still need INTERNAL coping abilities which a lot clients are missing - which is what Phase 2 resourcing does.

To anyone feeling like therapy is a generic script...

It shouldn’t be. You are not generic. Your history isn't standard. Your protector parts, your inner critic, your longing for safety - they all speak in a unique dialect. Our job as therapists is to listen, learn that language, and help you build supports that actually make sense in the world you inhabit.

The map is essential, but navigating the terrain together - with empathy, flexibility, and deep respect for your unique system, is what makes the journey of healing possible.

I’m open to learn how other tappers have approached their sessions and how other therapists tailor the work for their unique clients. Share your stories!

We are excited to announce an upcoming AMA (Ask Me Anything) session with Holly Forman-Patel, a licensed psychotherapist and EMDRIA Certified EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Approved Consultant, and EMDRIA Approved Basic Trainer. The AMA will take place on May 2nd and 3rd.

About the AMA

During the AMA, Holly will answer questions about EMDR therapy and trauma therapy, including:

• What EMDR actually looks and feels like in a session
• How to know if EMDR might be a good fit for you
• What to expect between sessions (and why things sometimes feel harder before they feel better)
• How to find a qualified EMDR therapist and what questions to ask
• Common misconceptions about EMDR and trauma therapy
• What reprocessing really means and why EMDR works the way it does

About Holly Forman-Patel

Holly is a licensed psychotherapist with 14 years of experience practicing EMDR therapy. She specializes in trauma, PTSD, dissociation, anxiety, and performance enhancement, and works primarily with adults and children. Holly is also trained in Ego State Therapy, Hypnosis, and Deep Brain Reorienting.

Stay Tuned

We look forward to hearing your questions and learning more about EMDR therapy and trauma therapy from Holly. Stay tuned for the AMA on May 2nd and 3rd.

>Please remember that our guest's thoughts and insights are their own, shared for educational purposes. They do not necessarily reflect the views of this subreddit.

>Our goal here is to listen and learn from shared experiences. AMAs are a great way to gain personal perspective. We encourage both therapists and tappers who wish to share their own stories to check out the sticky post and reach out via ModMail. Learning from both sides helps us all understand this modality better.

>Please keep questions respectful and follow our community rules.