im a digusting monster
Before starting I wanted to say that im not diagnosed with ocd however I did some research I do recognize myself in it and I needed the opinion of some people,
thank you so so so much to anyone who will read this because its long and i have a lot to say im scared i dont know what to do and I cried a lot today because I might be some fucking perverted monster
tw : mention of rape, pedophilia i guess and self-harm
For a few months now I had really bad disgusting intrusive thoughts that I can't control, it gave me the impression that my own brain has turned against me, i’m so scared of becoming an even more horrible person if I became an adult (im 15F)
So as much as it may seem completely ridiculous and disgusting im scared of becoming or being a pedophile, yet worse part is that im only 15 ?? and I could never imagine hurting someone younger than me
I never ever had a crush on a child and I DONT want to hurt a child I dont wanna hurt anyone actually
Ive already watched some sad movies that are about this kind of subject: like pedophilia, rape or sometimes incest and every time I ended up in tears because I am very sensitive to all this, my heart breaks for all those who have been victims of this kind of abuse
So I could never do any similar pain to someone, and honestly just thinking about it makes me want to puke
For some context :
when I was in middle school, I was constantly isolated from others because I had a kind of maladive shyness that prevented me from talking to others properly without being nervous asl, because of that people thought I was weird and no one ever really tried to approach me.. some of my classmates made fun of me whether it was openly in front of me or between them, I ended up not wanting to go to school anymore, so I missed a lot of classes and my grades were terrible
It was difficult and I felt so lonely
I'm ashamed and I know damn well that was stupid but I felt so lonely at 14 that I ended up purposely looking for pedophiles on the internet I wanted to have attention even for a few minutes I wanted to be loved
I went on some bad online chat websites, always saying my age and receiving tone of private messages (like 30-50 messages by really old men) It was fun at first to see that so many people could get excited with just my age without even knowing what I looked like I played the innocent who could get easily manipulated bcs that’s what they like
sometimes I had really disgusting messages so I stopped but every time I ended up coming back because I felt sad and lonely
I think I was groomed by one of those men that I thought was nice that I ended up blocking too because he was constantly messaging me and I was scared
I also think that all this influenced me in a way where now when I see a child I feel like I hear what these men were messaging me or I see through them everything these men described what they wanted to do with me
I have this impression that my brain no longer belongs to me I can’t control it like I have the impression that it’s rotting, there is not a day when I don't tell myself how disgusting I am
Now we are getting on the part I feel the most disgusted and ashamed with :
I once came across a porn video with a girl who behaved like a child and it was like some rape digusting cnc rp, the first time I saw this I was terrified disgusted and I wanted to vomit.. so I left quickly I felt like I did something horrible.. I considered that even if it's probably a rp it's still rape
But I couldn't help but watch this same video again later I came across many similar videos (like loli or cnc) and I couldn't stop watching them.. I knew it was horrible but I couldn’t stop.. i’m ashamed im disgusting I know that I need to kms but I masturbated to those often.. and after I would feel empty and I would sometimes slit my wrist with a blade because it was fucking disgusting
I have developed disgusting intrusive thoughts in my daily life because of that..
like when I see a child I don’t really care or sometimes I say something like “aw so cute”.. but then SUDDENLY I have some digusting image of them that I try so bad to shake off and it makes me badly suicidal
Everytime I finished those kind of videos I was crying excessively after, hitting my head or sometimes even self-harm
Then after a few days I told myself that I wasn’t a kind of perverted pedophile and that I was just exaggerating.. but then I couldn't help but watch more of this kind of videos..
So now im currently trying to stop watching theses because its bad and it’s fucking up my brain but i cant get rid of those intrusive thoughts
I know that pedophilia and rape are horrible but I can't help but have this kind of digusting thoughts like as I said at the beginning I think I have ocd but if I was really just a horrible person in the end and I was just trying to excuse my actions?
Im so so so scared that all this will influence how I will became when I enter adulthood.. I should kms before it happens as long as I'm still a minor.. I don't want to hurt anyone.. I wont ever dare to try because I absolutely DONT want to do this.. im so scared
so am I a future pedophile?????? im so scared of becoming one how can I stop this I dont want these thoughts anymore
also sorry if its messy english is not my first language and thank you so much if anyone read this