u/razorzpaws

I hate having to come on here constantly, but I genuinely want to move on from this already, and it just won't go away. My partner is back from a month-long trip, and we've planned to hang out next week. I'm very excited for this, but also really scared. For the past month, I've been constantly ruminating on our relationship and whether it's actually healthy. I have an obsession with thinking my partner could sexually assault me or even that they already have and that I'm somehow just not seeing it as sexual assault. I keep thinking back to past interactions, but I can never figure it out. For the record, my partner and I have never engaged in explicit sexual activities or touching. For some reason, my ocd wants to paint any of our methods of affection (which are cuddling and light peck kisses) as sexual, even though I know they aren't. I trust my partner that none of what we do ever crossed into sexual territory... but I guess that's why my ocd has made me want to analyze everything to be 100% sure none of it is sexual.

Anyway... I've been trying to get over this ocd theme so hard for the past few weeks, but it's been really hard for me. I see them again for the first time after a month away, and I want to be in my best mental space when we spend time together. For anyone who has had to deal with these thoughts, how do you stop yourself from ruminating on everything between you and your partner? I just want to be able to live in the present moment with them. Last time we were together, I was over at their house for 2 days, and I felt fine. I want this next hangout to be exactly like that... I just hope that I'm in the right headspace for it.

For the past few days, I was doing alright for myself. I stopped obsessing much, and conversations with my partner finally began to feel less and less dreadful. Last night I was having a good convo with them too. Today, I got triggered by a video I saw on my feed again. It was about whether or not a kiss is considered sexual assault, and I thought about the times my partner would give me a peck on the lips. I felt I didn't like it at times... Would that mean I was assaulted? We don't really do sexual kisses or touching. Just pecks. I've never considered anything we do together as sexual, but I'm scared that if a kiss IS generally considered a sexual thing, does me getting a peck that I didn't really specifically like at the moment mean I was assaulted? The last thing I wanna do is say my partner abused me. I've even talked to my partner about it, and they said it's ok if we wanna stop giving each other mouth pecks. I know my partner has my best interest at heart. I'm just so scared that one day I'll turn on them and claim they were an abuser even though I don't exactly feel like they've abused me at all.

I'm not really asking for reassurance. This is just me rambling about my current situation. I wonder if other people have struggled with this exact obsession, and how you've been able to manage it. I hate constantly having to overanalyze my situation because no matter what, I can never find an answer.

Hello. I posted here a few days ago, but I've since taken the post down because it was a post made in such duress. I don't like having moments of vulnerability shown on the internet.

I was scrolling on instagram today, and I came across a video of someone saying, "If you react in these ways around certain people in your life, they are not the people for you." Off the bat, it triggered me. But I stuck around for a bit because I wanted to see if it'd help me expose myself to uncomfortable thoughts. Basically, what this person said in her video was that "If you're with this person, and they leave you ruminating on the state of your relationship, they're not the one for you." And I immediately began to feel myself tense up. All the other list of things seemed reasonable enough, but that first thing she said can't leave my head. For most of the time I've been with my partner, I've always ruminated on whether or not our relationship was good or healthy... If I don't feel 100% certain about them, does that mean I can't be with them anymore??? I feel like in my case that's silly... but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel just awful. It kinda left me feeling like... I wish other people were more nuanced when they talk about these things. Idk. For what it's worth, I do feel better than I did a few days ago, so hopefully I get out of this current obsession soon.

Edit: I figured that when I tend to feel anxious, I start to doomscroll, and the more I scroll, the more anxious I become. It's a thing I've noticed as of recent.

I'm sorry. I hate sharing my feelings and worries on the internet, but I seriously don't know who out there can understand me most other than other ocd sufferers. Right now, I guess I'm just asking myself one question. Does this all ever end?

I've experienced every ocd theme I can imagine. Pedophilia, incest, rape, self-harm, contamination, cancer, etc., and my current one (I believe) is relationship ocd. I know it's ocd. The thought patterns, compulsions, and reassurance-seeking are all the same. When it's ocd, I can immediately recognize it. But it's so, so hard for me not to get caught up in the fears and rumination.

It always just seems like I'm constantly searching for the next thing to worry about. There are times when it feels like it's gone, when I don't think about it as often. Then the next thing you know, I get a thought that scares me so much that if I don't immediately investigate it, It'll ruin everything I care about.

It's in times like right now where I'm like, "Why am I worrying over this??? I wish I had a different theme to worry about. Not this." even though every theme always feels just as dreadful as the last. Ever since 2020, when all of this began, I couldn't stop asking myself if any of this would ever end. I know it never does. I know it's something I'm gonna live with forever. But fast-forward to now: I've just graduated from college, and I have no idea where my life is headed. I don't know whether my friendships or my current relationship will even last. It's like I'm in the most uncertain time in my life right now, and I don't know what to do with myself. I know the point is to sit with and accept uncertainty. I know that no matter what, none of my worries will ever truly be answered... But sometimes I mourn the fact that I can never ever be certain of anything. I can't ever be certain I'm 100% not a pedophile. I can't ever be certain I haven't done something in the past that may have hurt my sibling. I can't ever be certain I don't have some terminal disease and that I'll die at any moment. I can't ever be certain my relationship with my partner isn't toxic. I just wish for once in my life to know what certainty feels like... but it seems like whatever answer I get, I'll just never be satisfied. How can I change this attitude? Has anyone ever made it through life just living with uncertainty? How do you remain happy even though you can't ever answer any of the questions in your head???

I'm so sorry. I just got back after giving in and compulsively searching for answers, and I put it to a stop. I feel really guilty about it now. I don't know what to do.

I'll tell my story so far. I'm currently in a relationship with someone who I care about very very much. This person means the world to me, and I want nothing more than to be with them. But lately I keep thinking back to how our relationship started and worry I might have trapped myself in something I secretly don't want.

We met in college. Back then, I would often tell myself, "I'm not really looking for a relationship," as I consider myself to be on the aroace spectrum. We were first friends, but then we slowly became something more. They would often give me kisses, and at first I was surprised by it, but I was curious and allowed them to give me kisses on the cheek, forehead, etc. I grew to really enjoy it, and we would become really affectionate with one another after that. (Btw, when I say kissing, I mean we give each other light pecks. We've never gone deeper than that, nor have we done anything explicitly sexual with one another. I don't consider kissing to be inherently sexual, and to me it entirely depends on the context and the type of kiss.)

Fast forward, they one day gave me a peck on the mouth. Initially, I didn't think much of it, but then I had a thought enter my mind that said: "What if this constitutes sexual assault?" It was just a peck on the mouth. Nothing forceful or sexual at all. And then a while later, I would allow them to kiss me on the mouth. I would kiss them back at times too. For the most part, I wouldn't say I hated it, but I didn't really get much out of doing it either. But there was always an underlying fear in my head that would say, "What if you're allowing yourself to get sexually assaulted? What if this is all assault and one day you won't be able to be with this person anymore because they've victimized you?" Rationally, this wouldn't make any sense to me because 1. the kisses aren't forceful or sexual in nature. They were just light pecks. 2. I was genuinely curious and open about how I felt when receiving them. Turns out I don't really enjoy them that much. So I did what any reasonable person would do and talked to my partner about it and told them that maybe I didn't really like mouth kisses after all. They said they'd stop, saying if I'm not ok with something, they wouldn't want to continue to do it if it meant it'd make me uncomfortable. After that talk, I felt relieved for a while... but then today the fear came back, and I gave in to compulsion. I kept searching up people's sexual assault stories and trying to see if anything matched what I went through to see if what I had gone through was considered SA. I don't want it to be SA, nor do I necessarily think it's SA, but my head is telling me that it could be SA and that I'm just denying it. At most, it could be a grey area, but I don't wanna jump to say it's assault. Atp, I can't tell if this is assault or not anymore.

My partner has always been very caring to me about everything. Anytime I've had an issue in the past, they would listen to me. I know they have my best interest at heart. Right now, they're on a month-long trip, so being apart from them has made me feel even worse. I keep overanalyzing my emotions. I tell myself that I want to continue being with them, only to be immediately met with doubt. I keep thinking back to my days in college when I wasn't interested in a relationship. What if this whole time I've never wanted a relationship with this person at all, and I've boxed myself in? I'm not sure if anyone's even experienced something like this before. I want to keep being with this person. I cannot imagine my life without them. Breaking up with them over something like this seems silly to me, but my mind is saying, "You have to cut them off over this; otherwise, you are excusing abusive behavior," even though I genuinely don't think they've abused me.

I'm not sure who to talk to about this. I don't wanna tell my partner about these thoughts in specific because the last thing I wanna do is make them feel as though they are guilty of having done something horrific. All they did was give me a light peck on the mouth. Why does my brain wanna automatically jump to sexual assault??? I've faced many ocd themes, and it seems everytime each one feels more dire than the last, but this one I'm genuinley uncertain and scared because it targets someone I care very deeply about and to lose them would crush me.