I've been self harming since I was 13, and now I'm 18, and I've never felt a true desire to be "clean." No one in my life has really intervened despite knowing, no one checks in about it, so I suppose I normalized it in my head. I understand no one can actually make me want to quit, no one can make me want to care about myself, and that has to happen on my own terms, but how do I find that?
I don't really know how to flair this, since it falls under a lot of categories lol.
It seems no matter what I do, I just can't fully get back into drawing. I don't know what it is, or what's wrong, or what changed. It started out as just me gradually getting slower, and drawing less and less, but even then I would still get bursts of motivation and still managed to put down something beyond an incoherent sketch. Now it's gone, and I'm scared it'll be gone forever, because this is something I've always loved doing, and if I lose this, I won't have anything left to enjoy that doesn't leave me feeling useless.
I'm not comfortable going days without finishing something. I told myself to just focus on building other skills so I don't always have to revolve around this, but it's not enough. I miss drawing my characters, I miss wanting to.
The worst part is, I don't think this burnout is even warranted, because what the hell did I even do? I couldn't even follow through with any of the projects I laid out for myself. I barely did anything. Maybe overtime my own standard has just moved way past what I am able to do, and now I'm just never happy with what I make, and now I can never finish anything without seeing something wrong. I feel pathetic for immediately deflating the moment I committed myself to actually study and improve in any way.
I just wanna get back into this. I just want to enjoy this again.
This is very very silly I don't intend for this to be taken seriously. Just something that's on my mind that I'm not sure where to share.
I'm half greek and filipino, and have been told I'm largely white passing (though I grew up in the Philippines, so it may be that I do just look strikingly different from everyone else around me, and don't know how obvious it is that I'm asian to white people) but it's safe to say I inherited most of my appearance from my father, but everything about my visible growth from my mother, who also grew up often mistaken for being way way younger than she actually was. So i just look like a very weird, tiny white girl at the moment.
As awkward as it is to appear this way and constantly feel like I'm cosplaying as an adult and generally never be taken seriously, I have always been told it's something I'll be grateful for when I'm older. And I'm not arguing that. It is something I accept in the sense where I know I can't change it, and there's nothing wrong with it, and a lot of people would say I'm lucky for it. But it can genuinely be troubling with the fact that I am not cis, so the height and baby face thing really get me sometimes knowing I can't even remotely pass as androgynous with my body. That may be a separate issue though.
That is all, have a nice day. :)
Will probably delete this once I have enough answers!
This is extremely scary for me to do, but I know real feedback is the only way for me to get anywhere at this point! I'm 18, and I've taken art seriously since I was about 11 or 12, and while obviously there has been major improvement with time, I've never really felt satisfied. I've tried the small steps at this point, understanding a little about colors, anatomy (debatably), and using references. But from your perspective, what could I do from where I'm standing? I obviously gravitate more to drawing characters and people. Right now, I don't even think I'm good enough to even consider art school or even start a portfolio, which sucks lol. Programs I use are ibis paint on my phone.