Wish I was dead
I've wanted to share my story for a long time, but I kept hesitating because I didn't know how to explain everything. But here goes nothing.
Four years ago, everything started changing. We suddenly moved to my grandma's house and stayed there for a while. During that time, I overheard my mom talking about getting divorced. I also heard some other things I didn't understand. Later, my other grandma came over to talk to my mom about everything.
Thankfully, they didn't get divorced. But then my dad travelled, and he still hasn't come back.
Since then, we've had a lot of money problems, and things keep getting worse. I once overheard my family talking about some people who were after us. I also heard that my grandpa had gone to jail. Sometimes, people come knocking on our door, but my mom refuses to open it. She tells all of us to stay quiet until they leave.
There's clearly something going on that I don't understand, and not knowing what's happening makes everything even more stressful.
My mom has been under so much stress lately. Her hair used to be thick, but now so much of it has fallen out that you can see her scalp. Her eyes are always swollen, probably because she's been crying. Sometimes, we can't even afford basic things we need. My mom has even sold all her gold.
Seeing her like this hurts so much. I know she's going through a lot, but I don't know how to help her. She's already dealing with so many problems, and I don't want to make things harder for her.
Things got even worse when I had to leave my old school.
I'd been there for nine years. It wasn't just a school to me. It was a place where I had my friends, my favourite teachers, and so many memories.
But the school fees became too expensive, and they even required an iPad. In the end, I had no choice but to leave.
Leaving was really hard for me because I'm an introvert. It took me a long time to get comfortable with my old friends, but I had finally found people I could be myself around.
And then I lost all of that.
Now, I'm in my first year at a new school, and honestly, it feels like hell. I often feel left out, and I barely talk to anyone. Sometimes, I think it's better that way because at least I won't spend the whole night overthinking every single thing I said.
But the truth is, I'm lonely.
I miss my old friends. I miss my favourite teachers. I miss the feeling of being somewhere familiar, where I didn't have to worry so much about what people thought of me.
I never thought leaving a school could hurt this much.
I hate how my life has turned out, and I cry almost every night.
The worst part is that nobody knows how broken I feel inside. I'm really good at hiding my feelings, so people probably think I'm fine. They don't see what happens when I'm alone with my thoughts.
I'm always stressed, and sometimes I have anxiety attacks. I struggle with really bad anxiety, and I'm insecure about almost everything: my body, my face, my looks, my voice, my personality, my style, and so many other things.
It's exhausting to feel this way about yourself while also dealing with so many problems at home.
Lately, my hair has been falling out a lot, too. I've been losing weight, my appetite is really low, and I often feel weak. I have anemia, and things have been getting worse. I haven't had my period in four months now, and I don't even know what's happening to me anymore. I feel like something is wrong with my body, but I don't know what it is.
My chest keeps hurting, and sometimes my side hurts, too. I'm always lightheaded, and sometimes I feel like I'm about to faint. It's scary because I don't understand why all these things are happening to me. I don't know if it's because of my anemia, stress, or something else, but I know that I haven't been feeling like myself lately.
Sometimes, it feels like all the stress I've been carrying inside is starting to affect my body, too. I'm already struggling mentally, and now I have to worry about my physical health as well.
I've thought about ending my life so many times. But then I think about the people who might be sad if I were gone, even though sometimes I wonder if anyone would really care that much.
I'm also Muslim, and I know that taking my own life is forbidden in my religion. The thought of losing my peace in the afterlife, too, frightens me.
I don't want my story to end like that. I just want things to get better. I want to be happy again without having to pretend that I am.
One thing I really wish for is to have someone who notices that I'm not okay.
Someone who sees that I'm hurting, even when I don't say anything. Someone who listens to me, understands me, and stays by my side instead of leaving me to deal with everything alone.
I don't need someone to fix all my problems. I just want someone who cares enough to listen and make me feel like I'm not alone.
Recently, one of my old friends sent me a screenshot of her test results showing that she has severe stress and anxiety. I felt really bad for her because I know how hard it is to deal with those feelings.
But at the same time, hearing about her problems adds to the stress I'm already dealing with. I feel guilty for saying that because I care about her, and I don't want her to suffer. It's just hard to support someone else when I'm struggling so much myself.
Another one of my friends often talks to me about how much she misses her dad. He passed away, and I feel so sorry for her. I can't imagine how painful it must be to lose a parent forever.
But whenever she talks about him, it reminds me of my own dad, too.
My dad is still alive, but I haven't seen him in four years. I know our situations aren't the same, and I'm not saying that missing my dad is the same as losing a parent forever.
But I still miss him so much.
Four years is a really long time. Sometimes, I wonder how much he's changed, whether he misses us, and when I'll finally get to see him again.
I miss having my dad around. I miss knowing that he's there.
And the hardest part is that I don't know when I'll see him again or whether things will ever go back to the way they used to be.
Four years of family problems. Four years of money problems. Four years of worrying about things I don't even understand. Four years without seeing my dad.
And during all that time, I've been struggling, too.
I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. I'm tired of crying alone, hiding my anxiety, and acting like I can handle everything by myself.
I know my mom is struggling. I know my friends have their own problems, too, and I don't blame them for that.
But sometimes, I wish someone would remember that I'm struggling, too.
I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to stop worrying about what might happen next.
I just want someone to understand that I'm not being dramatic or ungrateful. I'm just someone who's been dealing with so much for so long that I don't know how to handle it anymore.
I'm still trying to understand what's happening to my family, why everything has changed, and how I'm supposed to keep going when everything feels so difficult.
I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know when things will get better.
I'm just tired of feeling this way.
I'm tired of being strong when I don't feel strong at all.
And sometimes, I wish someone would notice how much I'm hurting without me having to explain everything first.