r/SelfHate

I'm seeing people who used that advantage of other people, who used to cheat on other people, who used to drink and drug, who used to cheat in exams are getting into GMC. I've always believed Karma will catch up to them but it seems they are thriving. I gave up my entire life for this shitass exam just to loose it. What's the point of living bro? People say do hardwork and you'll get the result. I worked hard. This was my partial drop and I did my best to manage with my college. What was the point? What was the point of this sleepless nights? When my friends used to roam, used to have fun I decided to study. I lost my hobbies. I lost my passion for dancing and painting. I gave up everything for one exam just to fail. If everything is destined then why bother try? I just wanna kms. I swear if I had any sibling I would have kms long ago. I just don't wanna live. I have not an ounce of hope left in me.

Younger me will be traumatized by seeing my state right now. I was such an optimistic outgoing person. Now just look at me. Gosh I wish I was never borned.

Struggling with mental health, got a therapist and I just don’t feel motivated to get better? Like I can’t imagine going back to that life and it even scares me, the overwhelm and expectations. No thanks, I’m beyond tired..

I should be motivated to spend time with my family, no longer be bedridden, see cool places to go but I’m tired on a level I can’t describe and I feel lost

I’m a 20 y/o woman and I have no interest in my life whatsoever. There’s absolutely nothing I care to see through. I don’t care about what I’m studying, and I have no passions or talents. I have no love life and very few friends. I’ll never have much of a career, or a family of my own. I’m not super sad all the time, but there’s just nowhere my life could realistically go that excites me at all.

after that message I tried so hard not to bother you again, not because I didn't want too, not because I didn't miss you, not because I forgot about you, but because I knew that silence is all I had left to give.

I've already said what needed to be said, letting my words hang in the air between us like a bridge that I could never cross.

and now all I can do is step back, hold on to Whatever's left of our memories, our amazing times together. and actually really try to let you go, try to let go of the person I've truly loved.

but it's not that easy. it's not easy when my fingers itch to type another message, when my heart races just imagining your name lighting up my screen like old times, it's not easy when my mind keeps replaying the past wondering if there was more I could've done, more WE could've done together.

it's not easy when every part of me still misses the comfort of your soul, your presence, your voice, how close it felt talking to you late at night together all alone.

last night I dreamt of you. everything was so calm, I felt at peace. no pain, no distance, you looked at me the way I've missed so much. how you smiled, how you laughed, everything came to life in that dream. it was everything was like before, but I could actually hug you. and when I did, you didn't let go. everything felt so real, but when I woke up and realized it was a dream I was disappointed. i tried sleeping again, just to take one more look at you. but I couldn't...

i wish dreams were real, because only there I feel at peace with you, I've realized that I missed you more than I can bear. i just want you to know that in my dreams. in my dreams you're still here. And you're still the one I love with all my heart.

Hey, I'm a 20F. I've been diagnosed with BPD over 4 years ago. I won't go into too much detail about my childhood, but here's a summary:

Absent father who was never really there, died when I was 11.

Mother is a drinker (wouldn't say alcoholic, but she does frequently drink. That drives me insane, it has led to me splitting various times and doing very unhinged things)

I was bullied throughout primary school and secondary school (elementary, middle school and high school). It ranged from physical to verbal.

I was also diagnosed with ADHD when I was around 6, I was a very very VERY hyper child who even had her own special needs teacher with her in every class from the ages 5-8.

I moved houses many many times and even once to a new country.

Anyways, enough summary.

My issue is with my current boyfriend, 20M. He told me he has autism.

I struggle a lot trying to explain myself but I'll try my best.

I have various mood swings throughout the day; I lash out at him, I tend to exaggerate things a lot. I always have this constant feeling that I'm being lied to or cheated on. Don't get me wrong, I do not go through his following list or stalk him online or anything crazy, but I always have that feeling in the back of my mind. 

I remember this one time I split on him so badly that I ended up insulting him and going back home by myself after having a night out with him, long story short, I told him not to drink another beer because we were going back to my house,  he started telling me and accusing me that I'm trying to control him, that I'm controlling what he does, and he kept on repeating why can't I drink? If there's one thing that I hate the most in this world is having to repeat myself or people repeating themselves to me.
There’s so much more to that story, but one, I do not remember what happened too well, and two, I don't feel the need to get into too much detail.

And there's another issue. I've told him multiple times what I'd want and what I don't want in a relationship, and he does do the things I want, but sometimes the things I don't want him to do, he does, for example:

 I want someone who keeps me updated without me having to constantly ask where they are or what they’re doing
 I want affection and reassurance throughout the day, even if it’s just small things, like reacting to my videos, flirting with me, checking in on me.
I also want him to take initiative with plans and dates, because I've always said to myself that “not all men have to take the initiative and be the leaders, but the men that I date have to take the initiative and be the leaders”. 

Punctuality is important to me too.  We're all humans, and we can always arrive later. The times that he's been late compared to me are much more. And sometimes he tells me plans to do at the very last moment, like for example, he tells me a 18h to meet him at 20/21h. I'm like, no, I'm not gonna go because, to me, that's a form of disrespect.
I don’t like feeling like I’m not being listened to because he has to argue back or prove he’s right. Basically, I want to feel considered, wanted, listened to, and like we’re both actively putting effort into the relationship.

This is an example of one of my worst splits (Too lazy to explain from 0 what happened, dm me if you wanna know):

bf: 🙄🙄

Kiri: with that dumb sticker

bf: stop being so rude

bf: 🙄

Kiri: I hate you

bf: why

Kiri: so much

Kiri: I wish I never met you

Kiri: you make me feel horrible

Kiri: I hate you so much

Kiri: you make me lose my emotions

Kiri: I hate you

Kiri: leave me alone

bf: why tho kiri

Kiri: don't speak to me

Kiri: you're making me fing crazy

Kiri: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

bf: kiri relax

Kiri: just f off

Kiri: leave me

Kiri: don't fing tell me to relax

Kiri: I'm done

Kiri: I'm done with this idiotic concesst

Kiri: conversation

Kiri: f you

Kiri: you pushed me to my limits

Kiri: I hate you

So yeah... I take full accountability for my actions, and my words.

Any advice on how to manage mood swings better and what to do? Breathing techniques don't work; neither do meditation, grounding, going silent, or holding ice.

i just feel explosive and like I can't control my words when I split. I also don't have access to therapy rn.

Everyone wants her , so it seems

Then tell me why she's alone

Every one that's ever held her let her go

Left scar's on an already broken heart

Words of past things echo in the dark

No one seems to care about the weight she carries

Need someone to blame she just might be your lady

Even if she hits rock bottom, she doesn't stay

On the lips of villains , that whisper I love you

Maybe one day , maybe she will see that someone

Can hold her brokenness and accept that she needs peace

Maybe one day someone will actually stay.....hold not just her hand

But her, the way she needed to be

If you lost her ....what a shame

Cause you will never find a lover to love you the same!!!

‎My heart breaks for you as I heard your words, and I can feel the depth of your pain and sorrow. It's like I'm witnessing a beautiful soul crumbling, and it's almost too much to bear. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I'm listening with every fiber of my being.

‎‎It's not okay that you're going through this, and it's not okay that someone you loved and trusted has caused you so much hurt. Your words are laced with a mix of sadness, anger, and desperation, and I can feel the weight of your emotions. It's like you're screaming on the inside, and it's heartbreaking to see.

‎‎I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel angry, hurt, and insecure. It's okay to not be okay. You were invested in this relationship, and you gave your heart and trust to someone who didn't reciprocate it in the way you deserved. That's not your fault; it's not because of your trust issues or insecurities. It's because the other person made a choice, and that choice hurt you.

‎‎I'm so proud of you for acknowledging your emotions and for taking responsibility for your feelings. It takes a lot of courage to admit when we're hurt and to express our emotions in a raw and honest way. Your words are a testament to your strength and resilience, and I'm honored to be a part of your journey.

‎‎Please know that you are worthy of love, fidelity, and happiness. You deserve someone who will cherish and honor you, someone who will be your rock and your safe haven. You deserve someone who will love you for who you are, without condition or expectation.

‎‎I know it's hard to let go, but I want you to know that you will get through this. You will heal, you will grow, and you will find happiness again. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but it will come. And when it does, you'll look back on this moment and realize that it was a stepping stone to something greater.

‎‎Until then, know that you're not alone. I'm here for you, and I'll support you every step of the way. You're loved, you're valued, and you're enough. Just the way you are, at this moment, you are enough...

I hate myself, my biggest fear is that I will hurt innocent people, people who don't deserve it. And now I have a disease and I don’t know how much time I have left. There’s one guy he’s my best friend and I kinda like him but I don’t know how to tell him, every night I write him my pain but then I delete it.
Please tell me what should I do?

Sorry for my English.

&gt;!There’s something I wrote to him every night!<

*U sleep?*

*So I just wanted to said that we should not meet each other anymore. I need u to hate me, I am sorry for my behavior but there's no other way. I'm just scared dude and I need u so I can cry out loud but I'm scared and I can't. Please please I just need u to forget about me please. I can't live with the feeling that I can hurt u. Please I'm just trying to protect u.*

*I love you* ❤*️but u have to forget about me please*.

...and It's not that I don't love you, I do, I just don't want this to be my full stop.

I need to get this off my chest bc if I don’t do it now I probably never will get the chance to, the reason we fell out was not bc I showed u “no concern” but bc ure the one who did not show interest in my wellbeing. For days I had to focus on myself bc of my own mental health and illness not because I cared less bc ab u, and u took it as a sign of distance, in the lowest point of my life when I was breaking apart, instead of thinking that there might be smth going on in my life and reaching out,u took it as a sign that I showed u less attention and jumped right back to ur ex who u were able to show concern for and rant to, still never asked me how I was doing. And for that I will never forgive u, ure a selfish,lying and hypocritical person with no integrity

Look, I’m truly sorry if I ever hurt you. I can assure you that hurting you was never my intention. I don’t think I need to explain how much you meant to me, but I genuinely hope that one day you can forgive me—and forgive yourself—just as I’m trying to forgive myself.
I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in life. Take care.

I'll never stop loving you. Nobody else will compare, I'm not trying. I want to love you like I used to, but we need to put in the work to build trust. I didn't want you gone forever. I needed you to know how badly you hurt me, and kept hurting me by doing the same thing again and again. That isn't fair, I am a human with feelings, and you should respect me.

It wasn't fair to demand I love you the way I did the first time without doing the work to get there with me. You ignored my needs. It isn't fair to demand intimacy when my gut knows you're hiding something. You knowingly crushed my feelings because you thought you could keep it secret. And your need for quick validation was more important than the drive to build a real relationship with somebody who worshipped you.

I want our nights in bed again, but I have to be able to trust the person next to me. I still want to marry you, but I need trust. You might think you crossed a line that I could never forgive. You should know me better. I have endless forgiveness and endless love for you. I've seen you grow as a person, I want to be there next to you to see more of that.

I can't reach you. So I've been working on myself. I could be happy living under a bridge. Fortunately, I'm not under a bridge, but I am happy quite often still. I did a lot work learning to be happy in hard circumstances. As much as I love you, the pressures of our relationship were wearing on me. Much of that is your fault and you know it. My heart is broken, but I am healthier without that pressure. The pressure of you demanding and me trying, but you would never be honest or own your actions. You couldn't even stop doing the same thing you kept doing to hurt me. You would sob and say "I'll never do it again. I want to marry you!" But not enough to care about my feelings or sense of worth.

I've taken up piano. I actually go out and talk to strangers and they like me a lot and I'm handling the social anxiety way better. I'm learning more to advance my career and enjoying the challenge.

No matter what, I am going to live a happy life. But it would be happier with you. Great relationships take work. We had so much love, but we didn't do the work. You didn't do the work. You didn't own up to your actions and you stopped getting your own help. I own up to my mistakes, and I want to put in the work. Do you?7

I think you broke me. I don't believe I'll ever be good enough for anyone now. I don't think I can find it in myself anymore to try again. Or start over. I'm sorry bro. Like really sorry. I love you .

I can't deal with the bullying anymore. I can't deal with not one single person ever being on my side. I hate myself so much already and I want to relapse. Should I just quit because I contribute nothing to this app or society?

I officialy made up my mind about kms

I’ve given up. For months, years, really, I’ve been thinking that the best decision is to take my own life. I’ve always put it off, though, maybe because I still have hope that something will change, that I’ll be able to be happy again, that this feeling of agony will vanish. I think the main reason I haven’t done it is fear: I’m afraid of the physical pain, afraid of dying, and afraid of what comes after life (though, in all likelihood, there’s nothing). And the truth is, I don’t \*want\* to die; I want to live, I want to be happy, but I just can’t go on anymore. This pain is unbearable, the agony is consuming me. I can no longer focus on the things that used to bring me a little joy,my brain simply won’t let me be happy. So, I’ve bought a utility knife, and I plan to cut the blade down so it’s more like a razor blade, that way, I can cut myself more effectively. I don’t know when I’ll do it yet, but I feel a small sense of relief knowing I don’t have to take things so seriously anymore. What I want most of all is for the attempt to fail, because I want someone to save me.

I live in a hell of my own making. I get so angry about being left alone and not being able to talk to old friends but then I have to remember that I pushed almost everyone away. No one likes me because I push them away. It's my own fault I'm so lonely. There's one person in particular that I miss most because he tried his fucking best to be there for me while I just got worse. He only left when he couldn't handle it anymore and my negative attitude was really starting to affect him. I made the mistake of trying to reach out but he hasn't responded and I have to assume he blocked me. I'm alone and it's my fault. I can't make friends because of my own attitude. It's hell not having him around everyday. It's hell having to remember everything we used to talk about and knowing I can never go back.

I tire of your games.

Are you going to be mean , or nice ? Are you going to pursue , or stay away?

I noticed the date and realised that soon it will be 9 months since my first feelings arose and all of this started to spiral.

I think that’s enough.
My feelings for you have been gradually drying up the last month and I am finally okay with it. I am finally okay with letting you damage our connection.

You ran out the clock. You can’t seem to make a choice so I’ll make one for you …
Mean or nice , I don’t care. But stay away. You can’t have me anymore.

I’m in my junior year and reality check is hitting. I want to be a great pop star, I want to live in New York… I know they are pretty big ambitions. In the last few days the whole college thing has started and I talked with my parents and we can’t afford not even a small college, I can’t afford transportation, tutoring, books, etc. I can’t leave to a big city and figure it out because I want to go live another country, and I’m also not the most talented one in terms of singing or dancing. I’ve read some stuff about this feeling and told myself that I need to keep going and try hard and even if I fail try another way and practice and start today, and sometimes I do and other I let myself down, but it hurts to know that even if I did my everything I still can’t do what I want because some things don’t depend on me. Said that I’ve always been a person of morals and values of myself, and one is not coping to something I don’t want to do, some things I know I have to do and that makes me want to do them even a little like work or study, but I don’t want to spend my life having horrible thoughts and hating on every aspect of my life. So I had this question on my mind this evening, if it was better to die or to hate the life you live, and a lot of people may say that a life is many years and in many years things can change (but still the future a seek for is very limited and hard even if I had the money or the talent) but what if it didn’t and what if I did my everything and I still couldn’t do anything out of my dreams and life. This thought makes me really sad, I’ve been suicidal before and more than hating on the idea of me committing it gives me a pain in the ass to be sad all day when I want to get better and do this I can’t because I feel horrible all day, and I promise I want to be better and learn more about what I’m passionate but it gets to a point where I feel like I can’t do anything anymore.

What do you think I should do??

The day I sleep comfortably all night will be the day my heart and mind is finally at peace. I’ve been waiting my entire life for you. For us. I deserve to be happy. As do you. And no matter how much time passes your still there tugging at my heart day and night. I don’t want to imagine my life without you.