u/Uselessuser456

I officialy made up my mind about kms

I’ve given up. For months, years, really, I’ve been thinking that the best decision is to take my own life. I’ve always put it off, though, maybe because I still have hope that something will change, that I’ll be able to be happy again, that this feeling of agony will vanish. I think the main reason I haven’t done it is fear: I’m afraid of the physical pain, afraid of dying, and afraid of what comes after life (though, in all likelihood, there’s nothing). And the truth is, I don’t \*want\* to die; I want to live, I want to be happy, but I just can’t go on anymore. This pain is unbearable, the agony is consuming me. I can no longer focus on the things that used to bring me a little joy,my brain simply won’t let me be happy. So, I’ve bought a utility knife, and I plan to cut the blade down so it’s more like a razor blade, that way, I can cut myself more effectively. I don’t know when I’ll do it yet, but I feel a small sense of relief knowing I don’t have to take things so seriously anymore. What I want most of all is for the attempt to fail, because I want someone to save me.

About a month ago, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. I knew that relationships didn't last forever but, he was my first, and I never thought it would hurt this much. I had already seen other couples break up, but I never imagined it would hurt so bad. This pain is the most unbearable thing I have ever experienced. I can't do anything, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything else but think about him. I don't even feel like socializing; I've always been someone with few friends, but I just don't have the headspace for that anymore. Unfortunately, I distanced myself from everyone, but I don't have the energy to fix things.
The fact that he left makes me think that any relationship I have (whether it's a friendship or romantic) will end the same way, and I just can't try anymore. I just want to disappear. My love for him doesn't go away, it only increases day by day, and I can't take it anymore; my heart can't take it anymore. We were together for 1 year and 4 months. Please, tell me it gets better.

I dont what else to say, only that I feel this unbereable pain in my heart right now, its awful, I’m bawling my eyes out, I feel so, alone. I wish I could get a hug right now. I cant deal with this pain, is to much.

Its like, I have this overly strong hatred for myself, that I feel bad for talking to other people, I feel ashamed of being perceived, I feel pity for myself and for those around me. Everytime I try and do something good for myself, I feel guilty, I feel embarrased for doing something for a loser like me. I’m undeserving of everything and everyone, I want to feel better, but I wont do anything to get better because I dont deserve it. I’m the most worthless piece of shit there is. There is only one thing , of dying, but I’m so selfish that I dont have the guts to kms. Thats my biggest wish.

Is that to much to ask? Thats all I ever wanted. For someone to fall in love with me, for someone to take care of me and love me unconditionally. Why is this so easy for everyone else except me. Is there something wrong with me? Am I that unlovable? Am I that ugly? I just want love :(

I think, one of the main reasons why I feel like a loser is because I dont have a partner. Its feels ebarrasing going outside and seeing everyone with a significant other. Evertime I go to college , I seat alone seeing everyone around me sharing time with their loved ones, god I feel the urge to die right then and there. Why cant I have that? Why do I have to sufer alone, why if I cant be loved, I crave it? Why do I have to be so unlovable. I just wish some would fall in love with me, this breaks my heart. I always complain about couples but, Thats all I ever wanted :(

Dont know how to start this but, I just want to say, God im such a loser, Am actually embarrassed, its like, how im a noticing this just know? I have no significant other, I bearly have any friends, I dont have any kind of talent, I’m beyond average, I’m fucking ugly, I hate going out, I hate going to college for everyone else to see how alone I am. Its like, why bother being alive when I know I’m completely worthless? I’m tired of coping by people telling me its ok, its all right you dont have to be special for your life to have some kind of meaning, ITS NOT OK, there is no point in living if being a loser is all I have in me. Its becoming embarrasing to exist in this world knowing this is all I am. My biggest wish is to die, but even for that Im such a coward.