u/PANtASStDIK

after that message I tried so hard not to bother you again, not because I didn't want too, not because I didn't miss you, not because I forgot about you, but because I knew that silence is all I had left to give.

I've already said what needed to be said, letting my words hang in the air between us like a bridge that I could never cross.

and now all I can do is step back, hold on to Whatever's left of our memories, our amazing times together. and actually really try to let you go, try to let go of the person I've truly loved.

but it's not that easy. it's not easy when my fingers itch to type another message, when my heart races just imagining your name lighting up my screen like old times, it's not easy when my mind keeps replaying the past wondering if there was more I could've done, more WE could've done together.

it's not easy when every part of me still misses the comfort of your soul, your presence, your voice, how close it felt talking to you late at night together all alone.

last night I dreamt of you. everything was so calm, I felt at peace. no pain, no distance, you looked at me the way I've missed so much. how you smiled, how you laughed, everything came to life in that dream. it was everything was like before, but I could actually hug you. and when I did, you didn't let go. everything felt so real, but when I woke up and realized it was a dream I was disappointed. i tried sleeping again, just to take one more look at you. but I couldn't...

i wish dreams were real, because only there I feel at peace with you, I've realized that I missed you more than I can bear. i just want you to know that in my dreams. in my dreams you're still here. And you're still the one I love with all my heart.

Everyone wants her , so it seems

Then tell me why she's alone

Every one that's ever held her let her go

Left scar's on an already broken heart

Words of past things echo in the dark

No one seems to care about the weight she carries

Need someone to blame she just might be your lady

Even if she hits rock bottom, she doesn't stay

On the lips of villains , that whisper I love you

Maybe one day , maybe she will see that someone

Can hold her brokenness and accept that she needs peace

Maybe one day someone will actually stay.....hold not just her hand

But her, the way she needed to be

If you lost her ....what a shame

Cause you will never find a lover to love you the same!!!

And you know I know. I just want you to know I know exactly what the games were about. I know your whole situation and what your triggers were. I knew why you'd be warm then cold. When we made deep eye contact, you knew I saw right through you and being seen like that was so intriguing for you that you couldn't look away in the moment even though you would try to lock yourself down after the fact.

Love isn't a big deal for me. I love everyone, and I'm not embarrassed that I felt something for you. You trying to destroy my reputation after I asked about our vibe was cute and totally predictable and didn't even bother me. Because there's nothing you can do to hurt me.

It's not that I have moved on, where I am isn't a place you leave. I'm just basically ok with whatever happens because I am taken care of no matter what happens. And I can sense your guilt, your dreams, and your nightmares, and I'm just wishing you peace because I can't expect you to behave better for me or anyone else until you can accept yourself for who you are (even the dark parts) and accept me and others too. To stop competing for power and get real about what you really want and are able to give.

I am not going to contact you first and am not sure if the door back to me is even open anymore, and while I might make fun of your immaturity for my own amusement from time to time, I really truly will always love you no matter what. I just don't need to be with you to hold that warmth, and my love for you belongs to me, not you, and I'll hold it until I decide to set it down.

Never again fuck everybody involved in that bullshit I don't believe any one of you don't want any one of you just fucking done with it all

I need to get this off my chest bc if I don’t do it now I probably never will get the chance to, the reason we fell out was not bc I showed u “no concern” but bc ure the one who did not show interest in my wellbeing. For days I had to focus on myself bc of my own mental health and illness not because I cared less bc ab u, and u took it as a sign of distance, in the lowest point of my life when I was breaking apart, instead of thinking that there might be smth going on in my life and reaching out,u took it as a sign that I showed u less attention and jumped right back to ur ex who u were able to show concern for and rant to, still never asked me how I was doing. And for that I will never forgive u, ure a selfish,lying and hypocritical person with no integrity

‎My heart breaks for you as I heard your words, and I can feel the depth of your pain and sorrow. It's like I'm witnessing a beautiful soul crumbling, and it's almost too much to bear. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I'm listening with every fiber of my being.

‎‎It's not okay that you're going through this, and it's not okay that someone you loved and trusted has caused you so much hurt. Your words are laced with a mix of sadness, anger, and desperation, and I can feel the weight of your emotions. It's like you're screaming on the inside, and it's heartbreaking to see.

‎‎I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel angry, hurt, and insecure. It's okay to not be okay. You were invested in this relationship, and you gave your heart and trust to someone who didn't reciprocate it in the way you deserved. That's not your fault; it's not because of your trust issues or insecurities. It's because the other person made a choice, and that choice hurt you.

‎‎I'm so proud of you for acknowledging your emotions and for taking responsibility for your feelings. It takes a lot of courage to admit when we're hurt and to express our emotions in a raw and honest way. Your words are a testament to your strength and resilience, and I'm honored to be a part of your journey.

‎‎Please know that you are worthy of love, fidelity, and happiness. You deserve someone who will cherish and honor you, someone who will be your rock and your safe haven. You deserve someone who will love you for who you are, without condition or expectation.

‎‎I know it's hard to let go, but I want you to know that you will get through this. You will heal, you will grow, and you will find happiness again. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but it will come. And when it does, you'll look back on this moment and realize that it was a stepping stone to something greater.

‎‎Until then, know that you're not alone. I'm here for you, and I'll support you every step of the way. You're loved, you're valued, and you're enough. Just the way you are, at this moment, you are enough...

...and It's not that I don't love you, I do, I just don't want this to be my full stop.

I think you broke me. I don't believe I'll ever be good enough for anyone now. I don't think I can find it in myself anymore to try again. Or start over. I'm sorry bro. Like really sorry. I love you .

Went on a date, guy tried to kiss me, I said no, he got angry at me for saying no, I left, thought about you on the train home because I remembered you said you didn’t want to kiss me because you knew it made me uncomfortable. You know I miss you right ?

What’s with that feeling of wanting to reach out to someone who was once special but you definitely moved on from (at least what you think) even tho you are the one who cut them off and told them to leave you alone (I meant to push you away so that you would be closer) and now I’m torn between reaching out and looking once again like a bipolar-can’t-make-a-choice girl or just keep thinking of you from time to time wondering if you think of me, maybe we think of each other at the same time who knows. I don’t believe in chance or pure coincidence so I’ll just tell you what there is.

Checked our birthcharts and guess what (you would probably tell me it’s bullshit) butttttt my sun is your moon and my moon is your sun and other stuff that you probably don’t give a fuck about but it says we have high chances of marriage🥹 okay I’ll just stop the bullshit

I’ll throw a coin and if it falls into a gutter I will text you

Look, I’m truly sorry if I ever hurt you. I can assure you that hurting you was never my intention. I don’t think I need to explain how much you meant to me, but I genuinely hope that one day you can forgive me—and forgive yourself—just as I’m trying to forgive myself.
I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in life. Take care.

I'll never stop loving you. Nobody else will compare, I'm not trying. I want to love you like I used to, but we need to put in the work to build trust. I didn't want you gone forever. I needed you to know how badly you hurt me, and kept hurting me by doing the same thing again and again. That isn't fair, I am a human with feelings, and you should respect me.

It wasn't fair to demand I love you the way I did the first time without doing the work to get there with me. You ignored my needs. It isn't fair to demand intimacy when my gut knows you're hiding something. You knowingly crushed my feelings because you thought you could keep it secret. And your need for quick validation was more important than the drive to build a real relationship with somebody who worshipped you.

I want our nights in bed again, but I have to be able to trust the person next to me. I still want to marry you, but I need trust. You might think you crossed a line that I could never forgive. You should know me better. I have endless forgiveness and endless love for you. I've seen you grow as a person, I want to be there next to you to see more of that.

I can't reach you. So I've been working on myself. I could be happy living under a bridge. Fortunately, I'm not under a bridge, but I am happy quite often still. I did a lot work learning to be happy in hard circumstances. As much as I love you, the pressures of our relationship were wearing on me. Much of that is your fault and you know it. My heart is broken, but I am healthier without that pressure. The pressure of you demanding and me trying, but you would never be honest or own your actions. You couldn't even stop doing the same thing you kept doing to hurt me. You would sob and say "I'll never do it again. I want to marry you!" But not enough to care about my feelings or sense of worth.

I've taken up piano. I actually go out and talk to strangers and they like me a lot and I'm handling the social anxiety way better. I'm learning more to advance my career and enjoying the challenge.

No matter what, I am going to live a happy life. But it would be happier with you. Great relationships take work. We had so much love, but we didn't do the work. You didn't do the work. You didn't own up to your actions and you stopped getting your own help. I own up to my mistakes, and I want to put in the work. Do you?7

You aren't the deepest connection I have had...I know you think we are "so deep" but we aren't.

In the handful of meaningful relationships I've been in you are second to last in feeling connected and safe.

I know you think you get me, you understand me, but you don't. I do, on the other hand, get you. I see through all the bs for what you are really all about-- and I don't want it.

I don't want you.

I don't want you as a partner.

I don't want you as a friend.

I don't want to be around you in any capacity anymore.

I need someone who does what's right, not what they can get away with...

Someone I can respect

Someone who has character.

Someone who knows right from wrong and stands up for themselves and others when TSHTF.

Not a coward who runs, hides, steals, & lies

I got the ick from seeing what you are all about...and I am closing the door and locking it.

For good.

Karma is real, ooooohweeeee

Them: Ain't that your ex?

Me: I never seen that mf a day in my life.

We could talk if you want to.

I know I promised myself I wouldn't reach out.

But it is now 4 AM and I am sipping wine from a mug on my balcony.

My phone was inside for the longest.

I have been smelling the wind.

Feeling it press gently against my cheek.

Testing the strength of this rail as I lean deeply into it.

We could do this. We could pretend.

I saw a few photos of you.

your smile making me smile.

And eventually I will end it.

Or you will. And that's okay.

But I think we need to talk.

I want to talk so badly.

I would take all of your hate.

I dont need anything.

I just want you.

I know you haven’t been honest with me. I know you’re ashamed to admit to all your lies. Each lie makes me lose a bit more respect. I’m the person who has accepted every single part of you. I know the darkest parts you try your best to hide. I’ve told you, I am you, rather was…I try so hard every day to be better, to work on myself.

I’m the one you’ve been able to open up to most. The trust we built for you to get to that point should tell you everything you need to know about who I am. I stuck around breaking down your walls brick by brick through the last few years. I wouldn’t hate you or judge you, but each lie, each time you don’t give me the whole story I feel my heart pulling further away.

Call it intuition but I know you’re seeing other people, fucking other people. I’m not stupid, I’m not naive, but I’m not going to start a fight. After all, you can’t even admit to the depth of your feelings much less take the next steps. I want to talk about these things, I just want to approach it the right way.

Maybe you tell yourself you don’t want to hurt me…the truth is you don’t want to take accountability. You don’t want to be locked down and you do want to explore other options despite the words that come out of your mouth. I guess maybe you just feel a different level of emotional depth in our connection. That scares the fuck out of you…
Maybe that’s why you lie? Because you think youd lose the person that’s made you feel things you’ve never felt before.

You think I don’t know? when you said your ex was the closest you came to love but you weren’t sure, you think I don’t know why you started to question it?

The fact that I can read your mind even though you’re a person of few words…that terrifies you, doesn’t it?

I know it does, but I’m equally as terrified if not more. Im the one who was left broken and shattered last time. Trust doesn’t come twice for people in my life and yet here I am trying to trust you. I’m struggling…maybe it’s just because I am you..rather like I said was. I’m trying so hard to be better to be more open like I promised but you’re not making it easy.

Same time I have similar worries as you: Am I good enough for you? Can I show up perfect enough not to disappoint you? Am I going to lose my independence? Why do I feel like I’m suffocating after some of our closest moments?

Did I read your mind? We are the same, only difference is that I’ve worked on myself a lot over the years. I wish you could look into attachment theory. I think a lot of things would start to make more sense to you

Each time you drop your guard I feel it. It’s like we’re two people falling in deeper and deeper. Then suddenly, it’s the sudden flip of a switch. Your glance changes, your body language gets defensive. I get it…it’s scary.

You know what’s scarier? Living with the painful reality that we never tried. If we don’t try we still get hurt…

It felt like that's the way we were headed. There were obstacles, but they'd mostly been moved out of the way and we'd finally be together.

And then, just when I sensed there would be an opening, you made your decision. I don't blame you for going in a different direction. It's just that I really hoped it would be us. You know how sometimes you meet a person that makes all your prior pain and setbacks make sense, so you don't feel bad about them anymore? You were that person for me. You made the past make sense. And now you're part of it, and I have even more emotional wreckage.

I'm just rambling now. But there's one particular day I keep going back to that was the last time we saw each other, when I feel I had an opportunity to make my feelings known. And yet, I hesitated. Why? I can't fully explain. Would it have made a difference or was your mind already made up at that point? Again, I don't know and I never will. But it's something I regret sorely.

It really feels like you were my last chance to get things right. People say that after every missed opportunity or relationship, but at this stage of the game it seems to ring truer than usual for me, on some level at least. In any case, I just wish it could have been us. I really, really wish it were us.

I love you, but I'm no longer your lover. We talk again after months, and things go well. I still don't know what you want from me, and I'm not entirely sure what I want from you.

I love talking to you and having you around, but my attachment hurts. It was so easy to slip back into my old habits of worrying about you and what you're doing or feeling.

I worry that I've messed things up between us again by bringing up how us talking again hurts in certain ways, after all, I'd just started to move on. You didn't do anything wrong; my heart just isn't well adjusted.

I miss you; I want to talk to you. I won't reach out; I'll wait for you to say something. I feel better when you're in control.

(Edit: this lowkey makes no sense. My thoughts were scrambled at the time of writing, lol.)

I have to take a moment to wrap myself up in the final strands of hope that remain between us. You see, there’s so many things I never got the chance to say, and I don’t want to miss the opportunity. I need to know I laid it all out there for you to see.

You see, I never held you in my arms, but I thought about it often. I wondered what it would be like- where you would choose to lay your head, what your shampoo would smell like, and how your breathing sounds when you drift off to sleep. I imagine your head rising and falling on my chest, your hands draped across me. Sometimes I’m the big spoon, wrapped up in my arms like I’m your safety blanket. Your body fits against mine like it was meant to be there. My skin feels like it’s home against yours like the rest of me feels against you.

I dreamt about being there every day, sharing responsibilities, living the day-to-day grind. As much fun as it is to dream about travelling the world, going to concerts, and enjoying date nights, I want to be your rock. Update me over the course of the day. Send me things you find funny, or interesting, or sad. You always find things that make me feel, make me think, make me feel alive. When the day goes wrong, I’ll hold you close, or take the reins, or get you away from it all. I’ll carry the load, or solve the problem, or just be there while you cry. Not every day will treat you well, or us well, and sometimes we’ll be at odds, but only as long as necessary.

On the good days, the best days, we will live. We’ll find art out there in the world to consume in every medium. We’ll find adventures, big and small, and experience the world together, share in its beauty, seek to enjoy everything we can. And baby, we’ll eat anything our hearts desire. I’ll cook for you, you’ll bake for me, and we’ll do those things together. I know you’ll teach me so much, and I’ll do my best to do the same. And we can both dance terribly.

I often find myself wondering what holidays would be like. From birthdays, to Easter, to Thanksgiving. But more than anything, I’d melt watching you at Christmas. I know what it means to you, and the joy that comes with it. Big bows on the Christmas Tree. Delicious cookies, hand-decorated. I imagine you opening the gifts I’d carefully thought about and smuggled in over the course of months. It’s the thought that counts, but I know how much you like it when someone puts in the effort to show how much they care.

The truth is, I can’t see anything else when I think about you. You came into my life and turned the whole damn thing upside down. How could I look at you and want anything less than everything? And I will wait for it. Hell, I’m waiting right now. And I’ll wait ages more if that’s what it takes. As long as you want me, as long as you’ll have me, I’ll be here, enchanted by you, soaking you up, taking you in, just feeling lucky to know you.

You are the moon, the sun, and the stars. You are everything exactly as you are. I hoped one day that I’d find you, know you, love you. Be loved back. So while you’re still mine, whatever part of you is, I just want there to be no doubt that you’ve taken me completely for yourself.

I’m home, even if only for a few more hours.

Boy just move on bruh I don’t want you old man this is hilarious fr