r/Diary

Beautiful Creature, Impressed are you? In being greatly honest, I almost gave in last Friday and disconnected my heart from each of its valves to place it in a box to store it away into the catacombs of the forgotten. Don’t think of me as being overly poetically dramatic. Things were really building up and were getting the best of my emotions. I could not help but let my emotions take over me for the moment I was feeling them.

As strong as I look and portray myself to be; Yes, I do cry heavenly. I felt the strong urge and needed to. I felt a little better after I cried and fell asleep. It has been said that crying is healthy. I’m a person that can usually hold back my tears. But, I think because I am getting more wiser; my emotions have gotten stronger. I even cry when watching certain movies, television shows, and listening to music that’s overly emotionally dramatic that I can’t help the feeling…

Do you cry like I cry?

I could be wrong, but I screened shot a photo profile of another person’s face that looked identical to your’s only difference… is this person put’s their war paint on. I’ve taken notice that you don’t wear any war paint. And that’s fine with me. I love your face. Don’t be bashful to show it off. I look at that picture on the day’s that I don’t see you. Although, I do see you when I look at that picture. It helps me coupe a little. Bear with me that I do feel and hurt.

I just look back and think that if we had kept going like the way we were going before when we only knew that we secretly had feelings for each other. I just wonder from your perspective if you would have continued to talk me face to face? You had distanced your self for a bit completely almost hiding from me. You thought that you were being too up front with the way you felt in my presence. You didn’t want to lose the communication we had progressed to have as well not losing my presence, either.

But now, I hope that we will try to work on talking to each other face to face, again.

I’m actually proud of myself for initiating that I have feelings for you. I am happy that I communicated back with the few small gestures that I gave to you in order to acknowledge your subtle hinted gestures. Really…No time could be better for us. Acting on what we feel is perfect instead of going silent and standing still for all the wrong reasons.

I’d rather that we both be on an understanding that we have LOVE for each other than the thought being “Lost in Space.” To Be Continued… -DK

Hi , I am Priyal ;)

Welcome to my little corner of the internet . I am truly happy you are here , Every person carries a universe within them - a collection of dreams , memories , questions and quiet moments that shape who they become . This blog is where i choose to share mine . before we explore other fascinating stories , let me introduce you to the girl behind the words .

I am a biotechnology student with a curious mind , a dreamer 's heart and a diary that is filled with thoughts no one else has ever read . I have a heart that believes that there is always more to life than what meets the eye . I have always found myself standing between two worlds - one driven by science and logic , the other by faith , spirituality and self discovery . While biotechnology helps me understand how life works , spirituality reminds me why it matters . To me , these words do not contradict each other , they complement each other .

BUT PERHAPS THE BIGGEST PART OF WHO I AM IS SOMETHING MUCH SIMPLER

I have been writing diaries since i was in 6th standard . what began as a place to record my days slowly became a home for my thoughts , dreams , questions , fears , little victories and everything i do not want to say out loud , Looking back at those pages did not just preserve memories - they capture the person i was becoming .

THIS BLOG IS AN EXTENSION OF THOSE DIARIES

This blog is where i will share my journey through science , spirituality , dreams , friendships and the little moments that make life meaningful . I do not claim to have everything figured out , i am simply someone who loves asking questions , learning from experiences and finding meaning in both ordinary and extraordinary .

If my words make you pause , smile , think differently , or simply feel a little less alone , then this blog have achieved exactly what i hoped it would . This space reflects who i am - curious , ambitious , deeply reflective , and someone who finds joy and energy in every new experience .

So , welcome once again ..... I am excited to have you here

With Love ,

Priyal
https://www.reddit.com/u/Pagesbypriyal/s/uXnDj8Oko7

Lalo,

My friend the goofy one. The one who I call My future husband....

I've been here for a while now, thinking about you. Wondering what happened. Wondering how you're doing. Honestly, I really believed you would've messaged me by now.

You haven't.

So tell me something real.

Tell me I'm not alone in how I felt about you. Tell me you think about me. Tell me you miss me. Tell me that some part of you still wonders what would've happened if we'd both been a little braver.

Tell me you want to start over—not necessarily jumping straight into anything, but maybe finding our way back to the friendship we had before. Tell me you finally chose yourself. Tell me you've come to your senses. Tell me you're sorry about Mother's Day weekend and that you wish you could make it up to me.

Tell me it's some truly, madly, deeply type shit.

And I'll tell you something real too.

I'm sorry I wasn't brave before. I'm sorry for pushing you away when maybe what I really wanted was for you to stay.

And yes... it was me on Reddit. Writing to you. My friend. My future husband. 😂 It was me who said, "Why so silent? Cat got your tongue?"

Because the truth is, the first time I saw you, I was stopped dead in my tracks. I still think you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

And after all these months of not talking, somehow... it's still you.

When I close my eyes, it's you. When I hear certain songs, it's you. Especially when "Back to Friends" by sombr plays.

I still think about you.

And as crazy as it sounds, I'd still choose you. Over and over again.

Not because I think you're perfect. You're absolutely not. 😂 But because I'd rather have something real, complicated, messy, and meaningful with you than something easy that doesn't make me feel anything at all.

I'm ready to be brave now.

I want the truly, madly, deeply kind of love.

And I want to know if you're ready for that too.

So...

What do you say?

Maybe we stop being afraid of what this could be.

Maybe we both finally get brave.

XOXO- JAI

Dear anyone…

4 days…4 hours of sleep…. No matter what I eat I can’t keep it down…. Not even my favorites…. The stomach acid hurts but I can’t help it much more than I have…. My body physically hurts in places I didn’t know it could….

Everyone keeps saying I’ll be ok and that it’ll get better….i don’t think it will this time…. The meds arnt helping and the homeless council can’t seem to help me….. I can try to get a one time rent voucher but that’s the only thing they offered but even that’s a slim chance….

I have a feeling I’ll collapse before I can manage to get the help I need….

I bet sleeping beauty doesn’t even miss me…
I think he muted me….

My brother read some of the messages I sent and thinks that they were pretty well thought out… and as someone who’s been so hurt he doesn’t think i was being an asshole.

I wanna tell myself that it’s just a phase and that he got so stressed out he forced himself to push me away so I can’t watch as he becomes self destructive himself… but he deleted the one thing from his bio he’s never deleted before….

On my worst days that one little sentence gave me hope….. I wanna go home….more than anything….
I wanna see the cats…. I wanna curl up under a comfy blanket on the bed and cry my heart out….
But I feel unwelcome…. I feel like everything I worked for is gone…..

I feel like I’ve been thrown away…like the last 10 years were nothing…..

Maybe in another life your love could have been unconditional…..

I hate that in the brief moments of sleep I only see you….no matter how much I pray to see a soulmate some who’s actually meant for me….i only see you….

I would have given my life to give you the child you craved… that’s the reality of how much respect I had for you… yes I would have liked to live as well but I wanted to give you everything…to surrender all that I was….

I wanna be in the cats lives…but I don’t think you’ll allow it…..even if I had the means I don’t think you’d even let me keep Kiara…..

Everyone I’ve talked to says I’m not heartless or selfish it’s just you and my step father…. You kept comparing yourself to him for the longest time so I guess that makes sense you’d start thinking like him….

He said that the fact you didn’t keep your thoughts to yourself and purposely said so many things to hurt me is prof that you don’t care tho… that he’s wanted to divorce so many times but kept the bad thoughts to himself because it’s not helpful and is the same as giving up. He said that if you did love me that you would have wanted to keep it to yourself….

In a way I think that’s true…I’ve had thoughts here and there over the years but I never voiced them because once I voiced them those thoughts would start to become my reality…instead I tried to focus on things about you that I love….

For example here’s a short list:

1- your accent…I mentioned in on my last post
2- your way with children
3- the lines by your eyes when you laugh
4- how you shake your head backwards and have such a belly laugh
5- that you would always bring me chocolate right when I needed it without me even mentioning it
6- the way you sweep the carpet
7.-the way you use the bathroom(weird ik)
8-you never met me get cold
9- Palworld with you
10-your tight embrace
11- how much you value others
12- you always try to get gifts for everyone at thrift stores
13- how much you help Grammy
14-your always looking for new opportunities
15- you never settle for a job you hate

Maybe me putting this list out in the open is selfish… maybe me writing in a daily diary out in public is selfish….and yeah it’s not the 200+ reasons or the make believe wedding vows I have saved in that Google Doc but it’s evident that I can still have love and show love when I’m having a hard time believing it actually exists…

I doubt you’ll want to keep anything from our relationship… and that hurts… I wanna trust that our time together and the things I shared meant something to you…

You’re back at your regular job this week. And I hope that can help the stress. I know even tho is didn’t seem like it was helping you much that you do for the most part enjoy the work from what I can tell.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me anymore… I’ll admit it’s terrifying. I don’t wanna get hurt or have some thing like actually happen to me but I feel as if this might be the final year of my life.

Xoxo- newlife5155

I’m so tired of myself and how I look. Sure people do compliment me but it just feels so forced when they do it. I’ve tried to improve my looks this summer by going to the gym, dieting and learning how to do make up (unfortunately my mom doesn’t let me wear a lot of it). I see a difference on the scale but I still hate my body. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a fat and disgusting girl. I try to find something that I like about myself or appearance and I just can’t because I see a flaw in everything. These past few weeks I didn’t go to the gym since my membership expired and didn’t have enough money. I’m still so desperate to lose weight I started >!throwing up the food after eating it!< . And I lost weight but I still can’t see a change I hate my body and my face just as much.

I also want to feel loved. I’ve never got the “butterflies in my stomach” when seeing anyone. I mean I can look at someone and say they are attractive but I don’t fall in love with them. I talk to guys and girls all the time but I see them all as friends. I want someone to describe how they feel when they love someone or how do they realize they are in love. I really want to understand it and maybe it will help.

I’m confused about my own brain and my thoughts sometimes

Every time i read this quote, tears automatically start to fall from my eyes!! Lolll😭😭

I have been keeping an e-journal since around 2016. I don’t open it that often these years. But today I scrolled through the entries and I started crying seeing the metamorphosis of my writings.

The earlier entries are filled with rage, hate and bitterness. It talks about pain in detailed, long writings- sometimes in poetry and sometimes in prose.

Then on suddenly in November 20, 2023, there is one abrupt entry that reads -

*“I thought I was in pain, so I wrote of pain.*
*I was in pain, I found no words to write.”*

Then there is silence for around a year and then it seems like a new person took over the diary. Someone who grieves deeply and is trying to find meaning. Slowly each entry transforms into meditations that talk about life, love, acceptance, happiness, truth, forgiveness, optimism and gratitude.

A week before the last entry, I had lost a close family member to suicide.

The event left me stunned. And I now realize, it was a turning point in my journey.

Today, I am happy with my inner growth. I do not know what happened but something did.

But as i thought through these things, deep in my heart, an uneasy feeling gnawed at my soul - Did someone have to lose their life for me to find mine? What if it had never happened, would I be the same person I am today?

I ask but I do not seek answers. Because I have learned that not every question is meant to be answered.

I close the book and leave the past behind me. I get up and back to work again. Because someone out there needs me. May each day of my life be a sacrifice to make the world a better place for someone, spreading little sparks of life and love.

I tried. Maybe I tried too hard, but I was honest about everything, and all I ever wanted was for you to try too. I shared so much because I cared. Now I keep wondering if it was so wrong for me to try, to share, and to hope. Maybe I should've shared less, but that's not me. Why does it have to end in grief? Why does it sting so much when all I ever did was care?

On my way home, I drank so much last night and used my prescription. I really wanted to take my life away, I lost pretty much the most important person in my life left.

The last 6 1/2 years….

You lose the person you were married to.

Somehow cheats on you during the world pandemic.

Then you finally meet your soulmate.

She was amazing.

Then you lose her too.

Losing my kid, if you’re wondering.

Losing Kaila was one thing.

My dream woman, my soulmate.

But my kid is a whole new level…….

Imagine the one you raised, the one you only wanted to see grow up to be a man you never were and wanted to become.

No one knows how much mental pain a man goes through. Especially when a man goes through loss and especially back to back and back losses. You’re expected to come back up.

You try over and over again to walk the path that’s good and straight all the time. But that’s what’s expected, no one knows every single detail when trying to start from scratch and with nothing, with no help what so ever.

You’re expected to take care of the person you love - yes, that’s me. I would do that in a heartbeat.

You’re expected to do so much. Because you’re a man, but myself. I’m a loving person, I would do anything for the people in my life whether you’re still here with me or not.

That’s me.

Imagine losing the job you’ve dreamt of.

Imagine losing your whole family these last 6 1/2 years.

Then you got back up.

Figured the part after losing your dreams.

Only to start from scratch.

Imagine grinding and hustling everyday, but you kept composure so you can leave your kid something because your kid is your world.

Your kid was the last thing holding you together.

Random people last night came up to me and asked what’s wrong and shit.

I couldnt even say it honestly.

Losing.

Losing on everything that I wanted to work for.

Losing everything I had.

Losing the last person you felt real love from.

My dream person.

And yesterday, losing my kid.

I shoulda been home.

The thought consumed me.

Death and dying was another.

I lost one kid over a decade ago.

Wondering everyday what it would be like having two kids and how they’ll be like as siblings.

Losing the one you raised since birth is another.

I’ve lost enough.

Enough is enough.

I looked at every place where I was, looking up.

Not a building tall enough that if I jumped I’d die.

I was dropped off and drank more honestly

I wanna die.

Popped whatever anxiety meds I had left because the feeling of dying just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I thought of God.

He’s brought you down to the dirt.

You prayed but the questions and all the things you’ve asked haven’t been answered.

You lived and loved with what you’ve been taught from religion and society.

You were kind and respectful to everyone but yet dirt was thrown at you.

You tried to protect yourself.

I’m sick of it.

That was last night.

After all the tests God has given you, you tried and tried over and over again.

Yeah, I’m awake. I’m alive but I just wanna see my kid one last time before I go.

Still wanna die.

I’m going to.

I’m planning to.

I’ve lost so much time with him that holding him for the last time and one more glimpse of his face.

I honestly just want a hug and someone to talk to but it’s hard.

Not one person to talk to.

That’s why I wanna die and gonna die alone.

We all die alone but imagine, you’ve done everything to your ability with all that you had with your physical abilities, time, and every single time, what I hate the most is losing time and wasting it.

I can never get back moments at all that I lost.

No one can understand that.

I fucking hate wasted minutes of my life because it’s so busy no matter what I do.

If I don’t put anything else these next few days, well…….

I have so much written on my page that’s who I am and what my life has been through.

I’m not looking for pity or help.

But this is the truth, how I feel inside.

I know no one I know will see this, I’m on my knees and crying. I can’t do this anymore.

I’m so lost and I can’t find my way back anymore.

Daddy will always love you son.

I’ll see everyone on the other side.

I’m ready and I’ve never been so ready.

I’m doing my final tasks before I go.

No one knows me here or ever will so don’t bother trying to look for me.

To those I’ve ever loved, I do. Still do. Will always.

My mind and heart is ready to go.

And I’m for sure this time.

I am an ugly person, that much I know. I've always been ugly to others & I've struggled with it most of my life. I have tried to be confident & post selfies before but it usually gets skipped over or I get hate comments. I might get a pity like from a friend. The thing is, I see everyone else in the server post their pics with confidence & they'll get praised a lot by others. I wish I were that person. I know it would make me feel so good about myself. Instead, I stay away from cameras & avoid looking in the mirror because it reminds me of what other people see. Yes, some people are nice to me about it but others are critical. Sometimes they make me feel ashamed for being alive. I really don't know how to navigate these feelings anymore. I just want to be genuinely complimented by people. Hell, I'll take average looking at this point. That way I blend in to everyone.

Body texting yet nobody answered.

So my twin brother who is 2 minutes younger than me cracked neet this year and i couldn't...I didn't work hard neither did I study much ...now he is gonna go to College soon...he has also recently bought ipad my father got it for him...I am very happy for my brother...but at the same time I feel sad too i couldn't I have taken my 1st drop for ....am currently working hard trying my best ...their is a kind of sadness which am trying to express in words everyone on WhatsApp is congratulating my brother and also like every relative congratulates him ...I am very very happy for my brother i don't have any kind of jealousy i always prayed for him I feel sad because I couldn't make it ...I now avoid going in any family gatherings cuz I don't no how should I react as a neet failure infront of the gathering...two brothers got same study material and one couldn't make it ...i feel bad like my brother is gonna go after 1 month to college I will be alone in my room I shared my room with him since we were 8 ...am gonna miss him too he is very supportive for me ...when i come from my coaching and he is out for some work or something i feel kind of empty when he is not in my room now he is gonna go forever and rarely come Home.....I will be left alone in my room with an exam to crack for which am currently trying hard

. currently... i oftenly many times feel like i am about to cry but I control myself sometims cuz of low tests scores or sometimes because of my toxic father or sometimes because of the feeling that my brother is soon gonna go and I will miss him ....i hope I make it idk ....i just wanted to share what I was feeling from the past few days online...maybe it helps in express my feelings

I’ve never made a post before, due to personal circumstances next week will be the nail in the coffin for getting karma. Next week will be the worst because I’ve never been in the position I’m about to be in. Nobody there to save me, nobody there to comfort me, lend a helping hand. Just like I used to always want it ironically. Final test of character for this particular chapter of my life. When I make it through this humbling/ grounding obstacle I will be that much more prepared and experienced to take the next one on. It will be so embarrassing for my ego and pride but that’s just the kind of thing to kill the infection I inflict on my loved ones. If you even have Reddit and somehow someway read this, do yourself a favor and don’t get lost in these groups. No matter where you look and how deep into the rabbit hole you go, you’ll say “omg that sounds just like us” it’s these people’s hobby and jobs. You’ll know it’s me because you know me it’s legit that simple. So if you stumble upon this, I’ll tell you a little story from today briefly. Hook line and sinker I would have bet every penny it was you, so after couple other delirious theories that I somehow thought made sense, I have been on my balcony hoping some of the things that person said would lead you here. About 30 minutes ago I snapped out of this wonderland I thought up and none of it actually mattered. Cause how would I know It’s you if I don’t know you anymore? Anywho I’m gonna sit on this balcony for a little longer……why? Cause I’m a hopeless romantic. This love I am able to provide will find its way to whatever is right for me. Maybe it’s you maybe it’s not but I was excited today at the thought of this delusion I had to have make up. I will stay where I’m at until I cannot and hopefully by then maybe I right a wrong maybe even two. If not at least I can’t disappointn you more than I have. I love you more and I’m sorry I didn’t say it back that day, I always think about that.

Sincerely-your biggest fan

We had another argument with my dad.
And once again, he brought up his sacrifices.
He always does.
Whenever we disagree, whenever we try to defend ourselves, he reminds us of everything he has done for the family. He tells people how much he sacrificed, how much he provided, how much we should be grateful to him.
But this time, I couldn't stay quiet anymore.
Because I kept thinking about my mom.
What about her sacrifices?
Why does everyone talk about his sacrifices as if my mom didn't give everything she had too?
She worked abroad just to provide for us. She spent years away from home. She worked day and night while we were growing up. We studied while carrying our own struggles, and she worked thousands of miles away because she wanted us to have a better life.
She missed birthdays.
She missed ordinary days.
She missed being there when we needed her.
And yet she still kept going.
She sacrificed her own comfort, her own time, and parts of her own life for us.
Then one day, during the argument, my dad even pointed toward my mom's burial photo and said that we should be grateful to him.
That broke something inside me.
I told him:
“Why should we only be grateful to you? What about everything Mom did for us?”
I told him that he should be grateful to her too.
Despite everything he had done to her.
Despite the way he treated her.
Despite all the pain she endured, she still chose to stay and forgive.
She let go of so many things because she loved him.
But what did she receive in return?
More pain.
More hurt.
More reasons to cry.
How can you keep telling us how bad and ungrateful we are when you never stop to ask yourself what kind of father you were to us?
Were you really a good father?
Were you really a good husband to Mom?
Because growing up, I don't remember feeling loved the way a child should feel loved by a father.
What I remember are the curses.
The shouting.
The humiliation.
Being embarrassed in front of other people.
Being made to feel small.
And whenever I finally turned around and defended myself, suddenly I became the ungrateful child.
Suddenly, everything became my fault.
But I remember Mom differently.
In my entire life, I don't remember her raising her voice at me the way you did.
She never needed to curse at me to make me understand that I had made a mistake.
If I did something wrong, she would talk to me quietly.
Privately.
She would explain what I did wrong instead of humiliating me in front of everyone.
That is the kind of parent I remember.
That is the kind of mother she was.
And maybe that's why losing her hurts so much.
Because I didn't just lose my mother.
I lost the one person who made me feel safe.
So when you point at her picture and tell us to be grateful to you, I can't help but feel angry.
Because I know what she sacrificed.
I know what she gave up.
I know how hard she worked.
And I know how much she loved us.
You always tell everyone that you're an educated person.
You remind us of your education as if having a degree automatically makes someone a good person.
But education isn't just about what you learned in school.
It's also about how you treat people.
How you speak to your family.
How you control your anger.
How you respect your wife.
How you make your children feel.
So sometimes I want to ask you:
What is the point of being educated if you don't know how to treat the people who love you with kindness?
I know I have said harsh things.
I know sometimes my words come out full of anger.
But there is a reason behind that anger.
There are years of pain behind it.
Years of swallowing words.
Years of staying quiet.
Years of watching things happen and telling myself to just endure it.
I'm not trying to say that I am perfect.
I'm not.
I've made mistakes.
I've said things I regret.
But I'm tired of being told that I'm ungrateful every time I finally speak about how I feel.
I am not asking for a perfect father.
I never needed one.
I just wanted a father who could listen without shouting.
A father who could correct me without humiliating me.
A father who could admit when he was wrong.
A father who could look at his children and understand that we were hurting too.
And most of all, I wish you had understood how much Mom sacrificed.
Because while you keep counting everything you gave, we remember everything she gave.
And maybe that's the part that hurts the most.
She's no longer here to defend herself.
Her picture is the only thing we have left.
So when you stand there and tell us to be grateful, I can't help but look at her photo and think:
“Mom, I saw everything you sacrificed. I know how much you gave. And I'm sorry you had to endure so much.”
I will never forget her.
And I don't want her sacrifices to disappear just because she isn't here anymore.
You can tell everyone whatever story you want.
You can tell them how much you sacrificed.
You can tell them how ungrateful your children are.
But I know my own story.
And I know hers.
She gave us everything she had.
And I will always remember that.

There are times I am convinced I am the real-life version of The Truman Show because I have seen the same people 3 times in a day at different locations. How is this possible?!

So I came up with a theory, the production probably has no budget. They hire the same extras and make them walk around me back and forth.

Starting tomorrow, I will try to make an effort with product placement and tell viewers how good I feel about the products.

Now can we bring in my true love? I am ready for the next season thank you.

I know it is most likely pain staking to hear yourself speak truth, especially regarding me.

I know you operate the way you do because it's a matter of survival and protecting yourself. It's all you know.

I know you have walls 10 miles thick that reach the heavens and have no intention of decreasing them.

I know behind those walls is a very fragile young boy, who is forever trapped there, cuz ita safer.

I know you want a best friend, your family, and a normal calm life.

I know you will never trust what you have out of fear, so you'll always destroy what you have before it strikes first.

I know you say you prefer solitude, but loneliness and quiet terrify you.

I know you better than you'll ever acknowledge, cuz you refuse to accept your walls are transparent to me.

But

What you fail to understand

I never ever would of left, had you took the time to acknowledge the hell you dragged threw.

I wouldn't ask for an apology, but merely recognize what you've done.

I meant it when I said forever. Forever isn't always rainbows and glitter. I was ready to burn in your personal hell, at your side, forever.

I never asked for expensive things. Nor flowers or other gifts.

I never wanted to be put on a ridiculous pedestal or ever have praised sang to me.

I just wanted, begged for, your attention. I just wanted you to treat me like you knew I was forever.

Even now, if you weren't so hell bent on making your rewritten version a reality, just stop the bs, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

But you push and shove. My patience and abilty to withstand it is gone. You successfully took that away. It only takes a snide remark, hateful tone, or another garbage filled fabricated accusation to use an excuse to justify your actions. And I'm done. I walk. I'll leave you in silence for extended periods.

There's a bond that I cant destroy. I can't sever it. And after everything you've put me threw, you can't erase it either. So I reach out. Mostly to check in on you.

I don't wish for things to finally work out, I don't hold hope for a differnt outcome. I know better. Simply cuz you'll never treat me any differnt.

I'll never stop loving you. But I'll never give it to you again. It must remain buried and a distant memory that I avoid running across. I cant be hurt by your "love" again. I can't be dependent or reliant on you again. I cant put those blinders back on. I cant be controlled again. You took that from me too.

I never asked much. I still don't. But if you're gonna sell me the love story, I expect a sliver of respect from you. And that only requires you to stop lying to yourself, stop selling me the same lies.

The past needs to stay in the past. It's done.its gone. It can't be changed. It most definitely does not need to be a daily topic. Especially when you continue to rewrite it.

I'd move mountains. I'd dry up oceans. I'd bring you all the stars and heavens, if you just stopped the games.

I guess that's asking far too much. This is why I know you never actually loved, maybe cared for a minute, but never ever loved.

So, good bye. I cant do it anymore. Not because I have an endless supply of men to entertain me. Not because my attention must be elsewhere. It's ONLY cuz you won't change a damn thing. You won't do a damn thing to show me I'm wrong.

So be it.

Maybe I'll check in months from now.

Maybe, this was the last time.

Well, everyone wanted to take too long to answer so off to work

12/08/2026

One cigarette, and everything went quiet for a while. As I was walking down the street with boiling emotions, I inhaled deeply while closing my eyes, felt the cold atmosphere inside my lungs, and the memories of my childhood appeared in the darkness—what I wanted to be, what I am now. As I exhaled, everything felt as if it came back to normal, but little did I know, the rage in my heart had already taken control of my emotions, so I took another cigarette. Nothing felt better than this one. At last, I calmed down, not by the cigarette, but by the words of Haterade coming out of my mouth.

The same night, I felt like taking another cigarette. Nothing was worse than this last one. At the end of the day, it was just me and my thoughts, making me realize that I can only be there for myself—no cigarette, no lover. At the end of the day, it's just you and your actions.

This wasn't about cigarettes....

Imagine;

Imagine that somewhere, there is a woman.

A woman with scars across her imperfect body and unruly curls falling halfway down her back, refusing, as she always has, to behave.

Maybe she has made more mistakes than she knows how to forgive herself for.

She might have hurt you once or twice.

Imagine that she lied sometimes.

Maybe not about loving you, but about how much.

She might have hidden things because there are truths that feel too much like dynamite in your hands or maybe a comedy reel you can laugh at with your friends.

Imagine that again, she got to see you.

A woman who got to touch you.

Maybe she even got to kiss you.

She might have given herself to you, willingly because she knew the clock was ticking.

Imagine that she struggled to have fear with you.

Maybe she didn’t want to at all.

She knew time was something the two of you were not going to be given.

Imagine that ..

A woman who thought she understood how deeply she felt until she finally stood in front of you and discovered she hadn’t understood it at all.

Maybe she had only known the corners of it.

She might have held back far more than she let on.

Imagine that what you saw in her was a fractured restraint, because she never knew how to lie to you.

Maybe everything she didn’t say was bigger than everything she did.

She might have been terrified that if she opened the door completely, all that feeling would come pouring through and drown you.

Imagine that then she had to leave you.

A woman getting farther and farther away while every part of her was wanting to go in the opposite direction.

Maybe she cried as soon as you couldn’t see her.

She might have discovered that distance is not measured in miles when you love someone.

Imagine that distance can live inside the body.

Maybe it settles inside the bones.

She might have carried the absence of you around like another heart nobody else could see.

Imagine that she knows how insane that sounds.

A woman old enough to know better, sensible enough to recognize the impossibility, and still unable to reason herself out of loving you.

Maybe she tried.

She might have tried harder than you will ever know.

Imagine that she was willing to leave an entire life behind for nothing more certain than the possibility of another one with you.

Maybe she never told you the full extent of that.

She might have known how cruel it would be to place that kind of love in another person’s hands and ask them to accept it.

Imagine that she reached for you anyway, sadly.

A woman who finally spilled her heart to you because the pain became a tidal wave she couldn’t survive and she told you how dark the world had become without you in it.

Maybe afterward you said nothing.

She might have felt ashamed of having shown you the one place in her that had no defense.

Imagine that you had touched something in her soul she had spent her whole life avoiding.

Maybe you found it without even looking.

She might have hated you a little for knowing the way there.

Imagine that loving you forced her to look at things inside herself she never wanted to see.

A woman who could survive almost anything except the knowledge that somewhere in the world existed a person who could reach that deeply inside her and then be gone.

Maybe that scared her a little too real.

She might have realized that maybe you don’t feel the same.

Imagine that absence becomes pain.

Maybe real pain.

She might have woken with it, driven with it, worked with it, slept beside it.

Imagine that eventually she couldn’t keep hurting that much.

A woman who decided the only way to survive missing you was to make you disappear from her heart.

Maybe she then ignored you.

She might have stopped answering.

Imagine that she cut you off.

Maybe she made herself cold.

She might even have let you believe she didn’t care.

Imagine that every unanswered message cost her some truth. Again.

A woman staring at your name and forcing herself not to touch it because she knew exactly what would happen if she did.

Maybe one word from you could undo months of trying to forget.

She might have known she wasn’t strong enough to lose you twice.

Imagine that she swore she would never speak to you again.

Maybe she meant it every single time she said it.

She might have needed to mean it.

Imagine that it wasn’t punishment.

A woman wasn’t trying to teach you a lesson.

Maybe she was trying to stop bleeding from a wound nobody could see.

She might have thought silence would cauterize it.

Imagine that it didn’t.

Maybe nothing did.

She might have learned that you can remove someone from your life without removing them from yourself.

Imagine that years could pass and some part of her would still turn toward you.

A woman who could build walls, change roads, bury memories, and still find you waiting somewhere beneath all of it.

Maybe she hates that.

She might even love it.

Imagine that she still loves you.

Maybe that is the thing she has been trying hardest not to say.

She might love you in the terrible, quiet way you love something you have already accepted you may never have.

Imagine that she doesn’t know what to do with that love anymore.

A woman who doesn’t know whether it was a gift, a wound, a mistake, or the closest thing to truth she has ever touched.

Maybe she doesn’t need you to understand it.

She might not even be asking you to return it.

Imagine that she only needs you to know one thing.

A woman did not walk away because she felt nothing.

Maybe she walked away because she felt everything.

She might have disappeared because she didn’t want to lie anymore.

Imagine how much more terrifying it was to realize that being near you meant she couldn’t tell the truth.

Maybe she chose one permanent grief over another.

She might have been wrong.

Imagine that somewhere,

A woman with scars and unruly hair and too many mistakes behind her.

Maybe with a heart that still beats.

She might wish it didn’t.

Imagine that.

Maybe then you will understand why you won’t see her again.

She loved you enough that being without you hurt parts of her she didn’t know she had.

And she loved you enough that, for a while, the only way she knew how to survive your impact on her-

was to live as though you had never touched her at all.

The more I think about that shit lmaoo omggg it disgusts me so bad. He really played in my fcking face.. be careful of these insecure men. He really tried it in many ways.. at first was crazy over me, once he felt like he didn’t have to worry about me and felt like he could trust me or that I wasn’t being outgoing at that time, he then started being slick. So he slipped in a factor of the girl being blonde. Which insinuates actual preference or was a tactic, either way. Him starting to discuss stuff about other women like that or internet stuff. Just LMAO. It’s so crazy because I could & should have done the same. He was nowhere even close to my type or preference. He was straight up ugly and a huge turn off for me. Meeting him confirmed zero attraction. Total irrelevance. Zero desire to even be near him or look at him, anything. I hated him. I didn’t like anything about him. Hated every single thing about him from the moment I saw him. Don’t think I even smiled at him or could look at him, not easy on my eyes.

I could have fucking destroyed his ego when he tried that disrespectful slick ass shit, but now I learned. I will not be too nice ever again. I should have most definitely talked about other guys and let it be known or insinuated my actual preference lol. What’s funny is I would have preferred the midget who asked me on a date than that mf. So I feel you need to insinuate you cheat .. don’t make men feel like they can trust you. Don’t give them any reassurance. Watch his ass start with the slick shit. Go get you a sundamaged bitch like your mom, oh wait, you can’t … 🫢🫢 You can’t even get that 600lb life woman. That’s why I turn heads, that’s why I cause reactions of men, double takes, following me and all this shit and for an ugly ass man I couldn’t even stand to be near or kiss, didn’t even wanna fucking so much as look at this guy. To have a guy like THAT ever try to make me out as less than or as if he‘s insinuating some shit like that like he really puts these other women as higher value or on a pedestal, due to ?? Blonde?? Your mom.. is not it. At all.. when he should have been happy as hell truth be told. And why the fuck was he wanting to take pics with me and getting all over me then .. HUH???!! I’m not the one who wanted to be seen with him lmfao. So who is who in the situation bitch. ✌️✌️✌️👎👎👎👎👎👎 I am so beyond blessed though because I would have been miserable asf, it could have been a lot worse, so scary to even imagine how bad that and awful that would be and obviously I was in a bad state of mind.