r/Diary

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but I can't, i don't know how to talk to him... i really want to apologise to him, and Tell him about the real stuff, the truth, and other things. I wanted to say sorry to him, wanted to text him more than that but couldn't. I wish I could know how he's doing these days, i fucked up, so i think I don't have any rights to know about him but still i miss him today a lot.

I want to confess him my truth, I'll probably sound like a maniac to him but this ticking time is really, it's making me feel really guilty to not be able to tell him my truth, I'm feeling really sorry for disappearing, it just weigh heavy on my heart. what should I do??

2:10pm. Jul/5

Hello, my love,

It's been a while since I wrote something for you, even though you've always been on my mind.

I'm back this time with my coffee. I hope you're having a good evening.

I was thinking about our wedding. I don't even want a wedding, but for the sake of memories, we can have something pretty to look at years after.

What if we do a small, intimate one, just the two of us and a camera? Then, a week or two getaway, if phones weren't necessary to survive, we could have left it behind. Knowing my family, and probably yours too, they'll want at least a party. So how about we host a little, elegant themed celebration to announce our marriage for the people we care about who wish us the best and have fun with them.

What do you think? Instead of a big wedding, we could use that money for multiple honeymoons( travel whenever we have time off), but let's keep calling it honeymoons. i like the term it's warm,fuzzy, and very intimate.

Wouldn't it be better putting the money in honeymoons, custom-made matching jewelry, and a dream home than a big wedding? I'd rather focus on doing things together without stressing about money. I don't even see the point of a big wedding; it seems like it’s just for the guests. Is it worth it? All that we will get many opinions about the decorations, the dress, even the partner choice—people always have something to say. Why would I want people dressed up, eating, dancing, and having fun just to whisper what this person saw in that person to marry them?

It's supposed to be a start for our lifetime. I'd like it to be for us, not the people or fancy things show off. Just two partners living their best moments.

Until next time.

beloved, take care.

Kisses 💋

Weekend! I have some quality conversations and proper sleep today. Then I read news and books about cognitive development. World Cup is so popular right now but I am just more interested in things that I originally focused on. ( is it a good thing or a bad thing? )

This week even though I experienced cutting of a man of my type, I made so much progress on my own life ( preparing for an exam, learnt a new piano song, went to gym consistently, go through my finances…) and I found that there’s so many things I can do without men by my side! 😼

I am grateful that I had the courage to ask myself difficult questions I didn’t want to face and make the hard decision. That is why I’m now comfortable being alone😌

But I also want someone to play with me! Hahahah but if I can’t find anyone, I’m happy to play with my hobbies~

Two broken souls who never fitted any mould

Two unhinged wrecks who messed up a thousand times

But they had something no one else did

They never gave up

They weren't the strongest

They weren't the most virtuous

But they were the "wrong ones" who kept going:

The imperfect

The stubborn

The loners

The damaged

They carried the guilt of their wrongdoings all along but never lost their grip

They expected no glory in favor of just staying

They doubted themselves the most and refused to shift the burden onto the people around them

Even after saving the world, settled for a shawarma without seeking any homage or recognition

They genuinely believed themselves to be the root of all wrongs

They wanted to matter, make a difference, but didn't think they were capable of it

Yet they kept going anyway, like the good guys they never believed they were

Do men not actually want the woman who will actually desire him sexually and feel comfortable with him specifically in that light, she chose him to let that side out. My guess is not lmfao. It seems that every man that I can feel sexual thoughts for or imagine in that light, it’s like they take something wrong or there’s just always some issue in preventing things to progress to that. I do feel maybe he has no idea that I think that way about him. There’s guys who I can see look attractive in my inbox, but it doesn’t hit the same. I don’t have a desire to even respond to the majority of guys, regardless if I can see he looks attractive or has yada yada. Then the few guys I actually would meet up with and would see myself feeling comfortable and sexually attracted to.. I just have no words lmfao.

Guess I finally messed up something where one of the few people actually brought me joy. I don’t deserve you and I never did from the get go. What the hell you saw in be I’ll never know but it doesn’t matter now. Everything you said about me is right and I was ashamed of you knowing I relapsed while you were gone. I don’t want you to be seen with a loser like me… I don’t want to keep failing you over and over again. I don’t want it to come a day where you realize maybe you wasted all this time on me for nothing. I’m not anything special and one day you’ll realize that but until then I’m sorry to you and to myself. I’m too fucked up to be loved and properly even love I think.I don’t know what love feels like but I hope you know if I had the balls I’d have told you what I’ve been thinking about for the past month. That you’ve been on my mind everyday and that I think I might be in love for the first time ever. I’m sorry.

It started on the 2nd of June,
A quiet night beneath the moon.
My world felt heavy, hard to bear,
With family troubles everywhere.

Then through my DMs, you appeared,
With gentle words that calmed my fears.
You came to help, to lend support,
And somehow made the darkness short.

What started small, just checking in,
Became a place my heart stayed in.
A stranger once, yet now I see,
You sparked a feeling deep in me.

I never thought that I would find,
Such peace with someone once unknown online.
But here we are, and now I feel,
Maybe what’s growing could be real.

Maktub0206

My now ex was really manipulative but now that I broke up with her I miss her so fucking much I know shes bad for me and i remember how shittily she treated me, i dont know why but I just miss her so fucking much!

If you show up at my place to help me, meet me, take me out or any other reason and you offend, creep me out or disrespect me or my children you will be asked to leave. If you chose to not meet that request I will lot hesitate to ah e you removed from my property. If you have a warrant or a past with domestic violence please note I do not want anything to do with you. I am not judging you or anything else. It’s just one I’m trying to better my situation and having people with open warranty around, only draws the attention of law-enforcement around and says that you’re not handling your responsibilities like you should and I don’t want any more irresponsible people in my life and when it comes to domestic violence, I have a zero tolerance policy.

The voice with the songs ill never hear again. I hear you sometimes when we have to speak that's why its hard to not forget the songs you sang. Someday I hope to be free from this. You cause way to much pain with no regrets. The price youll pay later is on you. Ill be your biggest regret

Look...I want sex. It's a normal human need. Unfortunately, I stayed in a  dead bedroom relationship for too long out of a sense of loyalty.  But when my hormones went on a rampage, and i couldn't get it with him, after a lifetime of being loyal and faithful, I decided to meet my needs elsewhere.

I figured it would be easy. Guys want to get laid right?

Well, I'm neurodivergent. I don't think like most people or most women.  I don't like being deceitful or hurting people. Unfortunately, most men have all these preconceived notions about women. And honestly, their assumptions may be accurate about 2/3 of women. But I'm not those women.  I'm straightforward.  i'm honest about what I want. 

It turns out that many guys don't value something unless it requires great effort.  Personally, if someone offers me something of great value which is also easily obtainable, i think that's awesome! But it would seem that many people assume that something easily obtained is without value. I have a difficult time with this frame of mind. It's just stupid.  Either something is valuable or it's not. 

Or maybe I'm unaware of my value.

Obviously, i want to have sex with someone who i find attractive and i don't find everyone attractive.  I've talked with guys who were only interested in women of color or had other qualities i lack.

I am definitely disillusioned.  I've been lied to a lot by people who had 0 reasons to lie to me. I got played. I was honest, had good intentions and still got hurt.

I'm feeling kind of lost right now. 

I've never understood most people so i don't know why i'm surprised. 

I would so love to find an enjoyable, horny, ongoing, frequent and perpetually horny guy who wanted to have sex with me.

It made me think there must be something wrong with my 😺 or something else i was doing wrong. i got brokenhearted.  I got ghosted. I wanted to not exist anymore. 

I wasn't made for this world.  I'm too softhearted. Too naive. i'm just tired of all the games. 

I have spent my entire life being a provider, protector, caregiver to others to only find it’s been 15 years it’s been celebrated by anyone I know. Never a gift from my partner as it was always my money, no celebration or even the occasional yeah it’s your birthday kinky night , etc. to a nice dinner. All you can do is look back and ask,, what was the f-n point? . Just to be alone in the end.

And just stay single so i could do what i needed to for me and no one else. To not have to suffer so long without accomplishing what i needed to do. To put myself first and not be still trying to finish what i started so long ago. Im glad my exes got all that they needed from me, but i did not. Not from them and not from myself. It gets harder everyday to be myself. Still pushing forward in pain. Praying that one day MY dreams can come true.

Which means none of this matters nor ever has in this modern panic that romance is flawed

Ttfn,
🖤

I have zero patience with this dude. I just need one question answered for my damn sanity and he won’t help. I’m going to look up a spell for an itchy butt hole. I am done with his AVOIDANT tendencies.

Today is a day to accept oneself
To accept our humanness
Our misunderstanding
Our mistakes
And be compassionate with self.

Let there be Grace

P.S.: My Tumblr has been updated ♥️👁️

Long story short I punched a box rather than my coworkers face. Better the box than his face. It's been going on long enough nobody wants to do anything about it. So I quite but my boss said no fuck all this shit 🤬

I don’t want “situationship“ vibes

I want “come here you mine” energy

if it ain’t that or “working towards” were wasting time.

Sex feels like rape whenever I’m getting penetrated by a man. I don’t know why. I’m not a lesbian. I just don’t feel good after, i get a pit in my stomach. I say yes, but I negatively react to it. I want to do it but it never feels like my decision in the moment. Maybe because it’s not sometimes. I never feel like this with women.

I equate being horny with being evil. We’re doing something we’re not supposed to. Maybe because this is how I was first introduced.

Unfortunate that this is how it feels. Sex with men feels like self harm. I hurt myself whenever I’m with a man. I’ve only felt 100% comfortable with one man.

Maybe it’s because all anyone ever wants is to penetrate me. It’s the one thing I’ve been able to protect myself from.

I am so so horny and I have no idea why… all I can think about is sex.. sitting on someone’s face.. being fucked so hard that we break the bed… I wish I was getting fingered right now so so bad… ever since I hit my 30s k just want to fuck all the time…

(Insert screaming) 🤦🏼‍♀️😈👊🏻💕🐈👆🏻☝🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻