u/goforkyoselves

On my way home, I drank so much last night and used my prescription. I really wanted to take my life away, I lost pretty much the most important person in my life left.

The last 6 1/2 years….

You lose the person you were married to.

Somehow cheats on you during the world pandemic.

Then you finally meet your soulmate.

She was amazing.

Then you lose her too.

Losing my kid, if you’re wondering.

Losing Kaila was one thing.

My dream woman, my soulmate.

But my kid is a whole new level…….

Imagine the one you raised, the one you only wanted to see grow up to be a man you never were and wanted to become.

No one knows how much mental pain a man goes through. Especially when a man goes through loss and especially back to back and back losses. You’re expected to come back up.

You try over and over again to walk the path that’s good and straight all the time. But that’s what’s expected, no one knows every single detail when trying to start from scratch and with nothing, with no help what so ever.

You’re expected to take care of the person you love - yes, that’s me. I would do that in a heartbeat.

You’re expected to do so much. Because you’re a man, but myself. I’m a loving person, I would do anything for the people in my life whether you’re still here with me or not.

That’s me.

Imagine losing the job you’ve dreamt of.

Imagine losing your whole family these last 6 1/2 years.

Then you got back up.

Figured the part after losing your dreams.

Only to start from scratch.

Imagine grinding and hustling everyday, but you kept composure so you can leave your kid something because your kid is your world.

Your kid was the last thing holding you together.

Random people last night came up to me and asked what’s wrong and shit.

I couldnt even say it honestly.

Losing.

Losing on everything that I wanted to work for.

Losing everything I had.

Losing the last person you felt real love from.

My dream person.

And yesterday, losing my kid.

I shoulda been home.

The thought consumed me.

Death and dying was another.

I lost one kid over a decade ago.

Wondering everyday what it would be like having two kids and how they’ll be like as siblings.

Losing the one you raised since birth is another.

I’ve lost enough.

Enough is enough.

I looked at every place where I was, looking up.

Not a building tall enough that if I jumped I’d die.

I was dropped off and drank more honestly

I wanna die.

Popped whatever anxiety meds I had left because the feeling of dying just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I thought of God.

He’s brought you down to the dirt.

You prayed but the questions and all the things you’ve asked haven’t been answered.

You lived and loved with what you’ve been taught from religion and society.

You were kind and respectful to everyone but yet dirt was thrown at you.

You tried to protect yourself.

I’m sick of it.

That was last night.

After all the tests God has given you, you tried and tried over and over again.

Yeah, I’m awake. I’m alive but I just wanna see my kid one last time before I go.

Still wanna die.

I’m going to.

I’m planning to.

I’ve lost so much time with him that holding him for the last time and one more glimpse of his face.

I honestly just want a hug and someone to talk to but it’s hard.

Not one person to talk to.

That’s why I wanna die and gonna die alone.

We all die alone but imagine, you’ve done everything to your ability with all that you had with your physical abilities, time, and every single time, what I hate the most is losing time and wasting it.

I can never get back moments at all that I lost.

No one can understand that.

I fucking hate wasted minutes of my life because it’s so busy no matter what I do.

If I don’t put anything else these next few days, well…….

I have so much written on my page that’s who I am and what my life has been through.

I’m not looking for pity or help.

But this is the truth, how I feel inside.

I know no one I know will see this, I’m on my knees and crying. I can’t do this anymore.

I’m so lost and I can’t find my way back anymore.

Daddy will always love you son.

I’ll see everyone on the other side.

I’m ready and I’ve never been so ready.

I’m doing my final tasks before I go.

No one knows me here or ever will so don’t bother trying to look for me.

To those I’ve ever loved, I do. Still do. Will always.

My mind and heart is ready to go.

And I’m for sure this time.

I know it's late

And babe I can't focus….focus

I just flew in to town today

I'm hoping that you notice, did you notice?

I just posted my landing….

…..

You probably won’t know….

This whole new set up is kicking my ass, I tried asking AI and looking it up but nothing is working on mobile.

Basically I’m trying to approve myself as an admin for posts for a business page, I can’t seem to get it approved. I accepted the email and when I click on the link it lands on my own page. Where do I find my clients page?

I tried going on Facebook for business and the regular page as well.

I miss our conversations that lasted all day, the nights we’d fall asleep on the phone together, neither of us wanting to be the first to hang up. I miss holding your hands, kissing you, and the way everything felt so effortless when I was with you. Being with you always felt right. Every second we shared is a memory I still carry with me.

I know you’re sick, and I know it’s getting worse. I’ve been trying to recover from everything my own body has put me through, but some days it feels like I’m barely hanging on. Healing isn’t as easy as people make it sound.

Today I watched Spider-Man with my son. It was a good day. I smiled, laughed, and for a little while I forgot about everything else. I missed him so much, and spending that time together reminded me how precious moments like that really are.
But even while I was smiling, there was still a part of me that was thinking about you.
I miss your beautiful green eyes and the way they seemed to change with the light. I miss your face—with or without makeup. You never needed any of it. You were always naturally beautiful. And those freckles… I don’t think I ever told you enough how much I loved them.
Most of all, I miss hearing your voice.
I’ve been in so much pain lately. The weight loss has been exhausting, and radiation really took everything out of me. My body is slowly trying to recover, but it still feels like an uphill battle every single day.
More than anything, I wish you’d simply tell me, “Come see me.”
I don’t need anything else. I just want to see you.
Your birthday text meant more to me than you’ll probably ever know. That one message became the brightest part of a day that otherwise felt empty. It reminded me that, even if only for a moment, I still mattered to you.
After watching the new Spider-Man movie tonight, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this. You’ve been on my mind every day and every night, and no matter how hard I try to distract myself, somehow everything always leads back to you.
Sometimes I wish I had moved sooner. Maybe I could have been there beside you through everything. I know you’re the kind of person who wants to carry the weight on your own, and I know you’d probably feel guilty if someone put their life on hold for you.
But you never understood one thing.
Taking care of you would have never felt like a burden.
It would have been a privilege.
Because I love you. More than you’ll probably ever believe.
I haven’t really slept since getting out of the hospital. Every time I close my eyes, you’re there. Every dream somehow finds its way back to you. I don’t think people realize how deeply someone can become a part of you until they’re gone from your everyday life.
There are days when the loneliness feels unbearable. I wonder why life always seems to take away the people I love the most. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, it feels like I’m always left standing in the silence afterward.
I’ve tried to convince myself to let go. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve buried myself in work, distractions, and responsibilities.

None of it worked.

Because love like this doesn’t simply disappear.
I still pray that somehow you’ll find relief. That someone discovers a treatment. That life gives you the chance you’ve always deserved. If anyone deserves peace, it’s you.

I’ve lived a crazy life. I’ve met incredible people, been places I never imagined I’d go, and experienced things most people only dream about.
But none of those moments compare to meeting you.
You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

For the first time in my life, I felt what genuine love looked like. I never had to pretend to be someone else around you. You accepted me exactly as I was, flaws and all. Nothing about us felt forced. It felt real.
That’s something I’ll always be grateful for.

Lately there’s been a heaviness inside me that I can’t quite explain. Ever since everything that’s happened—my illness, the hospital, the near-death experience—I haven’t quite felt like the same person. Some days I don’t recognize myself anymore. I keep hoping that feeling will pass, but it hasn’t yet.

Life has been cruel in ways I never expected. It has tested me over and over again, and sometimes it feels like it always reaches for the people I love the most.
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, Kaila.
But if somehow you do…

I hope you know that I still love you.
I always will.

And no matter where life takes us, a part of my heart will always belong to the girl with the green eyes and freckles who made me believe that real love actually exists.

Over the weekend, I felt insecure. I deleted a lot of my pics, I felt ugly. Unwanted. I felt abandoned by everyone. It’s the worst feeling, when the person you care and love for so much just disappears out of your life.

I still really miss K. Still love her a lot. I hope she’s okay with her health I worry about her everyday and it’s not giving me peace at all.

Had a lot of calls with the council over the weekend while attending to my current clients. That’s probably the only thing that felt good and kept me going this weekend.

I also miss my kid, I missed his concert (I found out) his fuckin mom didn’t even tell me at all. But that’s nothing new anyway, she only calls when she needs something or can’t handle her own shit.

Went to an event Saturday night, I didn’t drive, took an uber for once and just networked all night.

This morning I really didn’t want to get up, but I’m stopping by the beach just to take my mind off Kaila. There ain’t shit to do today anyway, besides my morning routines and go to the gym.

I wonder a lot why I’m still here. There’s so many questions about life, why is everything the way it is, why I have experienced all these things.

I never cheated on anyone, abandoned anyone, and treated everyone good, but shit like this still happens. I feel like people just wanna be transactional in every way. It doesn’t even have to involve money, people just use people somehow or some way. Like your fuckin friend who keeps harassing me about helping people who need grants, who are actually suffering like you with your health. I’m not even sure with whatever I do for her goes to you or anyone, or if anyone’s actually calling and sending the contacts to people. It’s so stupid, I even gave charity names, I don’t ask for credit but at least a fucking thank you from your friend. But no, she fucking calls and texts. And when she’s around town for business, she drunk texts and comes by drunk and asking to talk.

It’s like I’m her therapist when she’s around. Talks about her life and problems. But not one information about how you’re doing at all.

I told my buddies to come out to the event Saturday
night for work and I could stop talking about Kaila and how much I miss her 😔 I really do. I never had a connection like I had with her and I’d do anything for her.

I work with alotta influencers, one was this girl Luna. We were chatting a few months ago, just found out she passed away. My heart was aching cuz she was really nice to me but was just having medical issues. She was a really sweet lady too but chose medical assisted suicide. Fuck.

Rest of the week, Monday - nerve pain came back slightly, progressed throughout the day. your friend kept calling and texting me while I was at work and I already did my part helping these people look for donors, then…

Tuesday buncha meetings back to back, today idk, I felt alone without you in my life. We had a hail storm and floods in my area, got stuck in a parking lot trying to avoid the floods. Your annoying ass friend was calling but I ignored her as usual. Then another meeting at night with my new client. Night time the nerve pain got worse. I went through a long ass meeting with the township but wow, I felt the fire in me, leading the whole meeting with people I don’t even know, they were welcoming even though I was tired asf.

I have been seeing K’s Jeep everywhere I go, this car isn’t really popular where I live but everywhere I turn o see the damn car. Not sure what it means but I miss her.

Today’s my birthday, no text, no calls happy birthday, no nothing. It’s lonely asf, I miss you in my life babe, if I can have anything today it’d just to hear your voice.

People can be really cruel and cold. This day sucks without you, it feels so lonely.

*edit: K actually texted me happy birthday this morning. It really made my morning because I really miss her and my feelings haven’t changed at all, hoping the rest of the day gets better too.

My son also texted me happy birthday but his mom is still ignoring me like an immature child, I wanted to see if I was going to see my son today. Work was actually okay, now about to just go to my Wednesday place and just hang out.

Can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about you. I wish I was next to you sleeping, you were my home, my comfort, my everything.

I still love you babe, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope you’re well and resting, not in pain. It’s almost my birthday and wishing you were there to talk to.

I know you’re not well, my love for you will never change. Missing you so much K.

Last night I helped with the St. Ann’s Festival, making sure all my guys are good with the event. My friends definitely enjoyed the event.

Kailas annoying ass friend was calling and messaging me asking where I am and to hang out. I ignored her calls because I was busy and all she talks about is her fiance and helping people. She hasn’t spoken about you once and all I want to know is if you’re okay.

I woke up decent, then hung out with the Council in my town, did some shots for the media directing pretty much the whole thing on my own. I’m very happy that the township and businesses were excited and happy with my work. This is my first on my own without any partners.

I’m extremely competitive and I want the people who are doing the right thing to succeed. Even though I hate politics, this whole thing was really exciting and I haven’t felt this in a while since Kaila.

I was thinking about her, most of my day consisted with her being by my side even if she wasn’t around, we’d be on the phone. I was thinking about her, if she was around she’d see my work. I really miss her, wondering how she’s doing.

After the shoot, I did some work with the Councilwoman and organizing, planning, and getting work done with her team. I’m happy that they’re happy with my work, even though I hate people and politics, if you’re happy with my work, I’m very happy.

I got a little break to go to the gym, do errands, and check on more events tonight for work. It’s a little lonely considering I’m doing these events, I guess it’s just to get my mind off Kaila even though I can’t.

It’s so hard to let go because I miss her so much. I’m hoping she’s okay because she’s been sick for a long time. I know you’ll never see this but if you do one day, know I think and miss you everyday.

Well, time to go to my last event and see if all is going well. Wish you can just text me.

-A

Been so busy, the mayor of the township reached out to me, wanting help with issues with the town with my expertise, I’ve always wanted to help out others who are actually in need.

Idk, I’m so tired of politicians with power but I did it anyway because I saw the good in her. I met her whole family, mother, father, husband and kids, just wanting to make a difference with the upcoming elections. I was a bit jealous because she had her kids and husband with her, supporting her moves. Meanwhile, I’m lonely and have nobody. I’ve been so busy with these last few days , with my own kid and fighting my emotions and my mental health.

Sometimes I use it as a distraction and just work since I got back from a long time off. The mayor and staff says I lost so much weight and looks good but I lost weight from issues this year while still pushing myself more and more at the gym and taking it as a way to just let my depression out.

I miss my ex, I still love Kaila, I wish she was able to talk to me. I have no one to talk to or trust with my day or vent to. Everyone has this with the Mayors team family shit, where they can go home to. She (the mayor) said once the dust settles she wants me part of the team and with the state, I’m sad because I have no one really. A loner with no one to trust, the first and only person I’ve trusted that’s out there who’s suffering.

By the way fucking friend is here AGAIN, idk why she’s accepting assignments in my area but fuck she’s annoying asf, she shows up out of no where and drinks in front of my house. I don’t want trouble but she’s here venting about her feelings about (it’s one ear out the the other for me) about something with her fiancé. I honestly don’t give a fuck because I’m trying my best to just go on my daily shit, I’m trying to fake it until I make it because when people see me smile for some reason it makes them smile and lift them up.

I really just have this hatred for people and it’s affecting me, I haven’t been this way in a long time. I stayed up at the mayors office, talking about strategies and I really don’t care for it but I’m there to get paid and somehow make a difference.

I want to get away as far as I can from here but they trust me because of my past work and trust with previous clients. I guess it’s the only way I can take my mind off you, you’re the most beautiful person I know and you can get anyone better than me meanwhile my busy ass can’t do anything.

I miss my conversations with you, how you actually listen, how you know me right away. I miss you so much babe, more than you think.

Your fucking friend for some reason shows up drunk at my home, talking about blah blah blah, then leaves, she wants me to get help so I can help others like you, she still hasn’t said shit about how you’re doing and it hurts me.

She was asking me how I just keep losing weight and how to do it, I told her to get sick and go to the gym lol.

I still love you and one day I hope you know how much you have meant to me, and still mean so much to me. I just want your health better and if I can do anything all you need to do is ask, I really miss you babe.

I am starting to slowly be on my own without my partners, these small businesses around town just trust my work so much and as much as I wanna just stop working, their smiles keep me going even though I’m miserable inside.

-A

Prayer request for myself, going through recovery but having a hard time mentally preparing myself for the inevitable, I’ve been doing okay with my recovery from cancer but I’m having a hard time with depression.

This is a mental battle and I’ve been having a hard time recovering even though I’m supposed to be clear now.

I also want to pray for my ex girlfriend who’s having health issues and just would love for her to recover and feel better. She still means the world to me and hoping she’d find her answers, I still do have a lot of love for her.

And my close friend who’s been in and out of the hospital these last 7 months. He’s been in dialysis, and they can’t seem to find the issues with him. I just want everyone in my life to feel better.

Thank you everyone

Has anyone else have issues growing hair back? There’s still clumps of hair coming out after over a month post treatment. I decided not to just shave it all off but my bathroom after I shower has clumps of hair. It’s still coming out.

Today was actually a good day.

I saw clients in the morning, they were somewhat annoying but I didn’t let it get to me.

As usual I got calls from your friend which I all ignored, cuz fuck everyone that’s all.

I haven’t been at work because of what happened to me between cancer and depression these last few months I’m finally getting my roll back this weekend, and trying to get my mental focus back at work. I’ve been distracted thinking about Kaila and still think about her. But I get it, you don’t wanna answer your phone. I don’t even know what I did, all I wanna know is that atleast instead of ghosting me outta nowhere. I still do love you.

I then got another call, which I really had to call back.
It was my client, my client is pushing me to run by his side and take over the city. Another fuckin political bullshit, which I don’t really care for. He was trying to convince me but I said, I’ll help out but I can’t do it. I’m mentally there, but I do know his team will win. In return he wants to give me a big contract with the city it…I mean WHEN he wins.

I’ve been trying to ignore him and just do my job this last year and half, I’ve been turned off the political bullshit whether you’re left or right. No one’s doing shit anyway. Even if the whole city goes one way, you still have to fight the state. It’s all emails and ignoring meetings and calls, I really don’t want any part of anyone especially right now.

I know it’s a big opportunity but I can’t, my heart, mind, and soul is lost right now.

Then I went out with my gym buddies since I haven’t been around, they wanted soccer (or should I say futbol or football if you’re reading this outside the US) since the World Cup is right here in my area, we saw a buncha people waiting outside where the Argentina team was staying which is not too far from where I live. It was bananas, cuz I really don’t care for it. But we ended up watching at a local bar, the crowd went nuts when Spain won. I was just really hanging out and catching up the time I lost these last few months.

Now I’m back home by my lonesome. I wish we can talk on the phone, I really miss you. More than you think, you probably don’t but I do. You’ll probably never see any of this but I these feelings have been bottled up, only way I can write them out anyway.

Ive been trying to have a healthy lifestyle since cancer number 2.

I’ve tried to avoid social media so I wouldn’t look at her pretty face.(Kaila)

But reactivated it.

Spent time with my kid but my baby mama was being an ass cuz I got a big mouth and told her that she’s incompetent so I will not see him the rest of the weekend.

Went to top golf with my gym buddy, had a drink cuz I was bored asf.

We saw all these kids, for some reason they’re all taller than us now, I guess it’s the hormones they put in the food here.

I ate a fucking kale salad, it did not go well.

Yeah, I’m still paying for that fucking salad.

I haven’t worked like this in a long time, having to just have my employees do the labor while I kick back. Just meet with clients and partners on video calls.

I usually check in and make sure everyone’s doing their part. Lately I’ve been careless, last night had your “friend” bombard my fucking phone and shows up to my house again, she’s annoying as fuck. She brought tequila again and her drunk ass kept talking about people who need help and I should really start a non profit to help others like Kaila (you) who are going through hardship and health issues. I didn’t drink, even though I was tempted to.

Then after her drunk ass left, I just pondered all night about you. She hasn’t said a word about how you’re doing at all, I just wanna know. Is this bitch using me to get leads? Why can’t you just ask me yourself, I can easily help you. I could’ve moved there so you have help and be with your son.

Or you could’ve moved here with me and have a better life.

Idk, I do worry about you everyday. I worry if you’re still in pain or even alive. It hurts me more not knowing what you’re up to. It does, it feels cold and it burns me inside.

It’s been hot all week, I lost so much weight and fat. I’m starting to feel like my body is me again, I’ve been pushing myself these last few weeks. This body is old but still trying to push and push even though the weight loss was bad, atleast I have abs again.

It’s mid month, we planned to celebrate our birthdays together like last year. Just to spend time with each other since you’re the beginning and im the end of the month. I really miss you so much I wish we can just talk and go where we left off.

I’ve been helping your “friend” in conference calls, trying to get better information and how to get support for you. The more she talks about your illness the more I know about the pain you’ve been going through, everything from the weakness and heart issues.

She’s annoying af, she’s constantly calling when she’s in town, whenever I ask how you’re doing she changes the subject. I just wanna know how you are, if you’re sick and if you needed anything. Constantly bombs my calls, I know to block her, but she’d probably just show up at my job or my house like last time but a huge part of me just wants to help because I miss you. A lot, I can’t get you off my mind no matter what I do. Even the gym hasn’t helped, I’m there more than ever, staying at PT extra, and everything in my power to just forget.

But how can I forget you? You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. The only person who ever paid attention and that I’ve actually paid attention to. I brushed off everyone else but with you, I have never been so in love like this.

You probably don’t even think of me at all or anything. I’m just trying to find out what happened to us, we were happy and then you disappeared on me. I wanted nothing else in the world but be by your side and take care of you.

That’s how much I love you and still.

Also decided to reactivate my socials, there’s nothing but garbage content. Idk why I reactivated this shit.

-A

Yesterday I spent time at the beach with the kid.
I haven’t felt this in a long time, it sounded normal and felt normal.

Even though her were missing in my life, I still think of her and missing her.

A crab pinched my foot at the bay, but I didn’t care much of it. i gained another 2 pounds this morning so I’m not complaining.

It was nice to see my kid grow up but he’s super annoying. Played with the sand and swam across to a small little island, it was really nice since the water was calm.

We both just sat there and watched the sun go down last night and got back late to drop off at his mother’s house. I guess my physical health is much better, I’ve been going back to the gym on top of PT. It feels so much better, just like last summer. My son’s still worried that I’m depressed, his mother wasn’t much of a help because I hate her guts. She says to just get up and tell Kaila how I feel about her. But I kept telling her it’s not that simple at all.

This morning when I woke up, it was tough. It’s not like earlier this year when I woke up early, I felt like I had something to look forward to. Now a days, I don’t feel that. I haven’t felt that in a while, laying in my bed, with the freezing AC just blowing cold air in my room.

I just didn’t wanna get up.

I started to just do some work from home getting clients on boarded, then did some research to help your friend out. I just want you to get better, I know you’ll never know that I helped your friend out but I am.

Then went to see clients, it wasn’t much of a day. They were just happy to see me around but I didn’t feel that with them, I just wanted to stay home.

I had a little late lunch with my employees today, couldn’t help but just zone out. I honestly had no idea wtf happened during this hour long meeting. I haven’t showed up to one in over a year. It’s usually a zoom or just emails. Thank goodness for the people I put in the team and they have so much respect for me, because I don’t think I could’ve done any of this without them and people just screwing around but they’re dedicated and respectful I couldn’t even be more proud of this team. M, made sure I made it back safely to my uber after having drinks with the whole time. I think she wants to be promoted to something more because she just stood her ground and did so much while I was gone this year.

I took a little walk after to just get my mind straight, blasting music through my headsets. Watching the birds around me and nature. It was a pretty boring ass day.

As always your friend blows up my fuckin phone. Asking if I have more leads to help her cause. I helped a bit with my spare time trying to find more non profit organizations to help you and others who are suffering from the same thing.

I really miss Kaila, she probably hasn’t even have thought of me. But I do still miss and love her. I miss those kisses, holding her, and just knowing she’s okay.

She really and still means so much to me. I know I’ll never find anyone like her again.

Idk, wish you knew how much I felt about you. How I want to take care of you, be next to you. I wish you can see what I write here so you know what I feel. Just can’t stop thinking about you.

I want to text you to see how you’re doing, but I know you’ll never answer. For someone who’s constantly on the phone, I know you see my messages. Or probably me and moved on or maybe just blocked me. I want to just reopen my socials but I don’t, it sucks, seeing all these things on social media.

A

Last night, I had the weirdest dream. Money was flowing everywhere and it was so much that it froze my bank when I made the deposit. It had a dark setting but everyone around me was set for life because of me.

Then I wake up, this is how my day went.

I keep getting calls, 1,827,983,938,828 missed calls from your friend asking for help. I didn’t answer though, I was taking a new client on board.

If it was a real emergency about you, I would’ve told my client to cancel. She didn’t mention you or you having an emergency. I still would’ve dropped my business for you.

Then I get a bazillion text messages from your friend asking the same shit. I wanted to text you about it but I didn’t wanna stress you out.

Today wasn’t too bad, I left my phone in the car, took a walk my client in the morning for breakfast onboarding and saw a blackbird with yellow and red wings. The breeze was nice after these crazy storms we’ve had lately.

I always look for signs, and according to Gemini it’s a sign of protection, transformation, and spiritual guidance during this shift in my life.

I went over to an old client that invited me at Monticello Raceway, I spent the late morning to noon with this old client. Wanted me to suit up just for old times sake. I wasn’t sure if I still had it in me, after a long time, after my accident before switching to where I belong in my career, I didn’t think I can test a car again in the track and not some parking lot that we made a track for a client. First time I took off my sunglasses because I was feeling insecure, first time I took off this hat, replacing it with a full face track helmet with a fire suit. I was rusty the first two laps. But after my warm up laps. Boy, oh boy. I fuckin floored it like I never lost it. It was like riding a bike but over 180 miles an hour. It felt good being at the track, it was my soul, it was my peace. I can’t believe I tested cars for over a decade then vanish into thin air. But my love for this never left, IT just left me just like everyone else. The last time I touched the track was building one last year for my client in a parking lot for a big name manufacturer, tested that track for only 2 minutes. My anxiety left me, this is what I’ve been needing for a long time. With the gym, I can go heavy, take my anger out on weights, push my body to the limit but the pain and anxiety stays right after.

My old client said I was in the zone, nearly impeccable in the circuit beating his and the circuit driver’s time with the same prototype car. It felt good, considering what my brain went through this year, what this old body has been through all year. I felt good, I felt young, it was perfect. I haven’t felt this young since last year with a special someone before that I just felt beaten and old.

Lunch, was really healthy had a salad with grilled chicken with eggs and we all laughed at the good old days. How I can do all these tricks, how stupid we all were when we were younger. But they said I’m still me, I guess I’m the usual jokester when I’m around familiar faces. I’ve know these people in the industry for 18 years, they saw my ups and downs during my career. I was young when I first met them, this scrawny kid from Jersey. They said I haven’t aged a bit and looking great with my weight. Little did they know I lost so much weight because of cancer and I’m back to that scrawny little kid size. I noticed my waist, having to tighten my belt so it can stay up.

These were MY superheroes growing up. Reading their articles on magazines watching them grow old and grey.

Then, I go back to my office. Yeah, saw her car tomorrow morning. How tf did she know where I work?!? Yeah, I think that’s her car. Then I get a text message saying that she’s inside my office looking for me. WTF is wrong with your friend?

So, I left. Told everyone in the office I’ll see them later. I wanted to show you all my missed calls and texts full her but I didn’t. I wanted you to get the help you need from her crazy ass. Idk why she’s asking me for help when I gave her all the information she needs.

Then went over to pick up and take Jules to his drumming lessons, had dinner with him. Then had a lil dinner with him, had a little father and son talk, played basketball then I went home.

As soon as I pull up to my street I saw that same fucking car.

In front of my house, yes. That same damn car, is sitting right there. We spoke for a bit, your damn crazy ass friend, she really needed help and she’s wondering why I haven’t returned her messages and calls. I said, I did my part, I had a busy day. Like a crazy ass girlfriend, her friend who was my ex didn’t even do that to me, EVER. She brought a bottle of tequila, inside my mind I was telling myself fuck I love tequila and I was so tempted to just have a sip but I said no thanks. I was thinking she probably spiked this shit with roofies. That’s why I said no to her. Cracked her stupid ass laptop and asked for help, I did my part of the bargain helping find some help and donations for a cause.

After that, she said “see you tomorrow, I’ll find you”

WTF man! I got my own life! I did but at the same time didn’t mind helping because I do want these leads to go to you and help you. Accept the help of this crazy fucking woman, I know you probably will never know that I helped. I told her not to say that I’m even helping, I don’t think you want any part of me. But it’s okay, I still do love you. I told her how much I still love you, she was laughing. Not sure why, like a crazy ass laugh at my face.

Crazy B\*tch ass c\*nt

Then she said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, and you better answer your phone, I swear I will find you”

B\*tch knows way too much I didn’t even say a lot about me but she’s got heart, wanting to help people. Idk how TF she knew where my office was located. Even my ex didn’t even know where it was located.

Today, overall, even though your crazy ass friend was harassing me asking for help, I actually felt at peace today. It was good, I felt ME. I haven’t felt myself since you left. I don’t know what you’re doing but I hope you’re okay, I’m always here if you need anything.

My son stayed over, making sure I’m okay he was worried about me. I woke up in the middle of the night and was reading Diary around 2 am on Reddit, everyone’s passages from heartbreak, to grief, loneliness, people’s thoughts then came upon this mom who lost her son, it reminded me of my son i lost who would’ve been 14 this year.

I felt her pain, I wanted to comment or reach out because I went through it. Losing your child is one of the most painful feelings in the world. I’m not even sure if the comment went through.

This morning my son was crying and angry at me for not having a sibling. I started to get upset because he had a brother but I didn’t tell him about his brother. He was so annoying about it but I had to shut myself off because my energy was already drained. He cried over and over again, imagine an 8 year old who would just keep crying over and over how he doesn’t have a sibling and blames me for not having one.

I wish I can tell him more about it but I know I shouldn’t.

His mom always blames me for our loss, when it was all on her own having a drunken binge during her pregnancy and lose our first child.

I got depressed even more.

Not only I lost the love of my life recently, now I have flashbacks losing my first son. How would he be like with Jules? Would they be best friends? Would he be a good big brother to him? His friends, what would they be like? Would he be best friends with my friends kids? I was the last one during that time with my group of friends that didn’t have a child and I was excited to join them becoming a dad.

It hurts thinking about it.

Maybe that’s why I’m the way I am. Before losing him, I was happy go lucky. You can throw anything at me and lll be glad to pick it up. But after that time, I became more and more secluded from the world.

It wasn’t until recently I became that again. Atleast for 8 months I was happy.

Today I’m back to work, everyone’s asking why I look sad and if I’m okay in the office this morning. They said I look cold and like someone died.

Everyone’s also so concerned about my weight loss, I just had cancer dammit. Well that’s what I wanted to say but I didn’t.

I weighed myself and dropped 2 more pounds even though my diet has been the same. I’ll most likely be dead before the year ends. Idk what else is wrong with me. I have an appointment next few days.

I went to see Caleb and played with him earlier, he’s autistic and only listens to me. His parents trust me with him, they asked about my weight loss and how I’m doing. They also noticed I’m depressed, weaker, and should just take my time recovering.

When I saw him, it reminded me of her. How she would watch me play and teach him. It hurts a lot.

I visited some clients and noticed the same thing. And told me to take more time off, but I didn’t want to. I thought it would keep my mind off but it’s not.

I can’t concentrate on anything at all. I live in one of the busiest states, where pressure and time is viable. I couldn’t take pressure at all, I didn’t know how to today. So many deadlines, I used to be able to do this in just seconds. I can’t focus, all I feel is emptiness. Maybe life is gonna be lonely, my soulmate is not here anymore.

Then the thought of Kaila on this hot day, are you tanning in the yard? Are you vaping in your sun room? Or passing out in your couch? Watching Harry? Are you in pain?

I was thinking a lot about her.

Is it too much to ask for someone to stick around? To talk to, to listen, to hold and be with? Take care of that person?

It feels cold and heartless, I’m starting to feel this way towards everyone. I’m just gonna be a mean asshole for the rest of my life, no one deserves my kindness.

I’m not a person to use people, or just hop around. When my heart is given to you, don’t crush it. I’ve been hurt so many times. I’m very loyal I wouldn’t dare fuck anyone over.

I feel so lost right now.

(*edit: I just saw my insights, I’m actually getting shares on this thing? It’s just my random thoughts. Where the heck are they going?)

I’ve also been getting harassed these last few days. But I’m going to consider going to see this person so that it stops. I really dgaf what happens to me at this point. I’m a little nervous but I’m going anyway tomorrow.

Has anyone else done a 5x4 radiation therapy? I finished mine weeks and weeks ago, just wondering if yours ever came back after a certain amount of time or still in remission.