u/goforkyoselves

My son stayed over, making sure I’m okay he was worried about me. I woke up in the middle of the night and was reading Diary around 2 am on Reddit, everyone’s passages from heartbreak, to grief, loneliness, people’s thoughts then came upon this mom who lost her son, it reminded me of my son i lost who would’ve been 14 this year.

I felt her pain, I wanted to comment or reach out because I went through it. Losing your child is one of the most painful feelings in the world. I’m not even sure if the comment went through.

This morning my son was crying and angry at me for not having a sibling. I started to get upset because he had a brother but I didn’t tell him about his brother. He was so annoying about it but I had to shut myself off because my energy was already drained. He cried over and over again, imagine an 8 year old who would just keep crying over and over how he doesn’t have a sibling and blames me for not having one.

I wish I can tell him more about it but I know I shouldn’t.

His mom always blames me for our loss, when it was all on her own having a drunken binge during her pregnancy and lose our first child.

I got depressed even more.

Not only I lost the love of my life recently, now I have flashbacks losing my first son. How would he be like with Jules? Would they be best friends? Would he be a good big brother to him? His friends, what would they be like? Would he be best friends with my friends kids? I was the last one during that time with my group of friends that didn’t have a child and I was excited to join them becoming a dad.

It hurts thinking about it.

Maybe that’s why I’m the way I am. Before losing him, I was happy go lucky. You can throw anything at me and lll be glad to pick it up. But after that time, I became more and more secluded from the world.

It wasn’t until recently I became that again. Atleast for 8 months I was happy.

Today I’m back to work, everyone’s asking why I look sad and if I’m okay in the office this morning. They said I look cold and like someone died.

Everyone’s also so concerned about my weight loss, I just had cancer dammit. Well that’s what I wanted to say but I didn’t.

I weighed myself and dropped 2 more pounds even though my diet has been the same. I’ll most likely be dead before the year ends. Idk what else is wrong with me. I have an appointment next few days.

I went to see Caleb and played with him earlier, he’s autistic and only listens to me. His parents trust me with him, they asked about my weight loss and how I’m doing. They also noticed I’m depressed, weaker, and should just take my time recovering.

When I saw him, it reminded me of her. How she would watch me play and teach him. It hurts a lot.

I visited some clients and noticed the same thing. And told me to take more time off, but I didn’t want to. I thought it would keep my mind off but it’s not.

I can’t concentrate on anything at all. I live in one of the busiest states, where pressure and time is viable. I couldn’t take pressure at all, I didn’t know how to today. So many deadlines, I used to be able to do this in just seconds. I can’t focus, all I feel is emptiness. Maybe life is gonna be lonely, my soulmate is not here anymore.

Then the thought of Kaila on this hot day, are you tanning in the yard? Are you vaping in your sun room? Or passing out in your couch? Watching Harry? Are you in pain?

I was thinking a lot about her.

Is it too much to ask for someone to stick around? To talk to, to listen, to hold and be with? Take care of that person?

It feels cold and heartless, I’m starting to feel this way towards everyone. I’m just gonna be a mean asshole for the rest of my life, no one deserves my kindness.

I’m not a person to use people, or just hop around. When my heart is given to you, don’t crush it. I’ve been hurt so many times. I’m very loyal I wouldn’t dare fuck anyone over.

I feel so lost right now.

(*edit: I just saw my insights, I’m actually getting shares on this thing? It’s just my random thoughts. Where the heck are they going?)

I’ve also been getting harassed these last few days. But I’m going to consider going to see this person so that it stops. I really dgaf what happens to me at this point. I’m a little nervous but I’m going anyway tomorrow.

Has anyone else done a 5x4 radiation therapy? I finished mine weeks and weeks ago, just wondering if yours ever came back after a certain amount of time or still in remission.

I guess just what I’ve been through:

\- earliest memory 3 years old eating with my grandpa laughing

\- same year, burying my grandpa

\- my mom leaving at 5

\-watch a revolution to remove a dictator sitting on my dads shoulders

\- one of the biggest earthquakes in history, you’re outside kindergarten playing with your friends and you see the school building crumble and crush your classmates

\-your only books at 6 were marvel, DC, and car magazines

\-taught yourself how to ride a bike

\-taught yourself how to cook that same year

\-you want to learn everything so you steal an encyclopedia

\-you get beaten by a drunk dad, scar on your leg. Grandma rescues you

\-dad said call him uncle in front of some girl

\-you get beaten again

\-no safety standards, you see your classmate fall off the school bus at 45 mph

\-you see dad once a month, spends time with aunt who gets beaten by her boyfriend

\-you watch another aunt get beaten by a gang of extremist

\-bomb hits down the street grandma comes home with shrapnel all over her

\-uncle dies in front of you

\-favorite uncle buys you candies

\-favorite uncle takes you on adventures

\-uncle is a drug addict

\-mom comes home

\- mom leaves you at 6 again with a baby

\-you raise the baby with grandma

\-grandma is your best friend

\-I love grandma

.-you want to become a pilot or a racer

\-you see snow for the first time, but it’s ashes from the volcano

\-you see dad with two women with your aunt drunk

\-still raising baby brother on your own

\-your mom comes home, says we’re leaving for a better place

\-your uncle cries because he raised you, I cry cuz he taught me more than dad

\-you fly for the first time

\-you see snow for the first time

\-you feel cold for the first time

\-uncle who took you for adventures dies

\-you get beaten over and over again by dad

\-you want to run away

\-you still raise the kid

\-you stay in a school and have a crush on the teacher

\-you leave the school after a year because of fights

\-you meet your first bully in the new school who later on becomes one of your closest friends

\-you leave the school for another school, 4 schools every year

\-blizzard biggest one ever recorded no school for 3 weeks

\-stitches from getting beaten by a branch in the head

\-you move to another school in the suburbs

\-got beat by dad for dressing like everyone

\-meet a Vietnamese kid who doesn’t speak a word of English

\-he follows you until you’re old

\-meets 6 more closest friends

\-dad tries to beat you again for the same reason this time you fight back

\-get hit by a car while riding your bike, flew 10 ft and lands on head

\-you meet your twin, becomes your best friend until you’re old

\-you mess up your relationship with your twin because of a prank

\-twin got your back

\-you get beaten again over and over by dad

\-you fight back again this is the last time

\-first job

\-runs away

\-you’ve had enough and you leave before high school is over

\-you stay with friends all over the place

\-you come back home

\-your first girlfriend is too old for you

\-you graduate high school

\-you meet a new girl and stayed with her for two years

\-she cheats

\-first girlfriend comes back

\-says I’m just a side piece

\-second one comes back

\-leaves again for another guy

\- messed up your brother hood with twin

\-go to college

\-grandma dies

\-you miss her

\-you mourn your best friend

\-want to skip class to go to New York

\-watch the towers fall and witness the smoke burning

\-stays with second girlfriend

\-lived with second girlfriend

\-her side piece asked for her hand

\-wtf

\-leaves her

\-goes back home to start all over again

\-first corporate job

\-meets a girl, didn’t last long because she was into weird stuff

\-meets a girl

\-turns out I’m just a side piece

\-first girlfriend returns

\-you lose one of your closest friends from suicide

\-turns out I'm just a side piece

\-goes to the military

\-too many dead bodies

\-your closest friend passes

\-foot got blown up

\-scars

\-seeks God

\-meets a girl in church

\-twin comes back and hang out again

\-started traveling first stop San Diego

\-she asked to be official when I came back

\-lost my job

\-meets more friends in College

\-circle is getting smaller - friend dies from OD

\-car gets hit by a bus driver on the phone while I’m sitting at the light

\-hospital

\-we’re all running 22 people now in the group of friends

\-2008 crash loses the job

\-came back home

\-got the dream job

\-GF cheats but took her back

\-went back to school

\-she cheats again

\-breaks up

\-meets a new girl in college

\-first real chemistry

\-turns out she’s married

\-church cheating girl comes back fucking given another chance

\-lawsuit money from the bus accident

\-offered to be a background actor

\-she didn’t like it

\-she gets pregnant

\-proposes to her

\-kept going for more roles while working dream job

\-offered to have a speaking role

\-she didn’t like it so I stopped, embarrassed of my accent

\-mom has cancer

\-bring mom to treatments

\-we lose the baby

\-stayed with the dream job

\-depression from losing the baby

\-people start to leave the circle

\-watched a coworker commit suicide off the George Washington’s Bridge. Couldn’t stop him

\-we mourn him because he was only 26

\-new Orleans

\-she cheats again

\-proposed

\-got married

\-graduated college again

\-she didn’t show up for the graduation

\-started go lose friends

\-she got sick nearly dying nearly a year in the hospital

\-went to Vegas

\-Arizona

\-California

\-she leaves

\-she comes back

\-puerto rico

\-Canada

\-new job with dream company

\-Hawaii

\-meets famous people you never thought possible

\-Down to 6 of us in the group

\-water front property with New York skyline

\-NOLA

\-almost died at work from an accident

\-New Orleans

\-no more test driving for work

\-she is pregnant again

\-assigned to marketing and PR

\-Mexico

\-bought a dog

\-kid is born

\-smiles from the kid make you feel lucky as a father

\-kid and dog becomes best friends

\-gang reunites first time in over 5 years for my sons first birthday

\-down to 5 but still in contact with everyone

\-traveled the world -NL, Belgium, France

\-covid

\-friends and family die from COVID

\-dog dies

\-family heart broken

\-watching the news - Kobe dies

\-cancer

\-recovered from cancer

\-offered a director role

\-accident - quickly settles and wins lawsuit

\-new happy home

\-travel parts of the world

\-wife’s business is thriving given by best friend

\-she cheats

\-mom has cancer again and this time worse

\-her business collapses

\-she leaves for another man

\-alone inside the home we raised the family in

\-anger

\-travel with friends

\-meets people along the way

\-nearly 20 years gone from the relationship and marriage

\-divorce

\-depressed in a house all alone

\-loses director role

\-hustled and started a company

\-traveled

\-raised enough capital and kept going

\- learned things about the new dating age

\-started to just become protective over self

\-wants to retire early

\-just kept meeting new people

\-they all use you, keep your guard up this time

\-travel more

\-you nearly died

\-focused more on the business until you’re nearly dead

\-travel more meets people

\-puts the house on the market

\-travel more

\-goal is to retire early

\-watch the kid grow

\-meets a new girl who’s perfect in every way possible

\-moves to see mom more

\-falls in love with the new girl

\-she’s also sick

\-enjoyed the time of your life with her like never before

\-afraid of life’s lessons given to you

\-holds guard

\-afraid because of the past

\-still in love with her because she’s everything you’re looking for

\-travel to Arkansas

\-felt perfect with her, from kisses to every conversation

\-you finally feel like your heart belongs to someone who cares

\-buys ring want to adjust later

\-I mean everything felt perfect

\-you see each other

\- chemistry was perfect

\-felt like I won the lottery

\-possible cancer again

\-don’t tell her because she’s sick

\-she leaves, you’re not sure why. Ghosted

\-old friend comes to the rescue because twin and Vietnamese is going through depression comes to help

\-friend becomes too nosy

\-coma

\-life support

\-comes back

\-OT PT rehab

\-says to stop contacting her

\-the pain

\-travel to Arkansas because it was the place where I felt happiness for the first time in years even though she doesn’t want to see me

\-she's angry at me

\-goes back home

\-shuts all social media off

\-why am I alive?

\-fight with friend

\-fuck that told him to stay out

\- no more friend

\-no idea what life brings to me

\-NL, Greece, Macedonia, France

\-I’m probably still sick

\-gets questioned for 6 hours no idea what was said

\-spends time with kid

\-told I’m clear

\-weakness

\-losing weight

\-2 lawsuits pending because of medical malpractice

\-muscles all gone because of being sick

\-scared to show what I look like now

\-insecurities build more

\-why am I still here?

\-when will it all go back to normal?

I guess just what I’ve been through:

- earliest memory 3 years old eating with my grandpa laughing

- same year, burying my grandpa

- my mom leaving at 5

-watch a revolution to remove a dictator sitting on my dads shoulders

- one of the biggest earthquakes in history, you’re outside kindergarten playing with your friends and you see the school building crumble and crush your classmates

-your only books at 6 were marvel, DC, and car magazines

-taught yourself how to ride a bike

-taught yourself how to cook that same year

-you want to learn everything so you steal an encyclopedia

-you get beaten by a drunk dad, scar on your leg. Grandma rescues you

-dad said call him uncle in front of some girl

-you get beaten again

-no safety standards, you see your classmate fall off the school bus at 45 mph

-you see dad once a month, spends time with aunt who gets beaten by her boyfriend

-you watch another aunt get beaten by a gang of extremist

-bomb hits down the street grandma comes home with shrapnel all over her

-uncle dies in front of you

-favorite uncle buys you candies

-favorite uncle takes you on adventures

-uncle is a drug addict

-mom comes home

- mom leaves you at 6 again with a baby

-you raise the baby with grandma

-brother is dying from a virus

-he lives

-grandma is your best friend

-I love grandma

.-you want to become a pilot or a racer

-you sleep on the floor

-you starve

-you see snow for the first time, but it’s ashes from the volcano

-you see dad with two women. Your aunt takes you back out of the house

-still raising baby brother on your own

-your mom comes home, says we’re leaving for a better place

-your uncle cries because he raised you, I cried cuz he taught me more than dad

-you fly for the first time

-you see snow for the first time

-you feel cold for the first time

-uncle who took you for adventures dies, falls from a tree

-you get beaten over and over again by dad

-you want to run away

-you still raise the kid

-you go to your first school in the country and have a crush on the teacher

-bill clinton sends you a letter

-you leave the school after a year because of fights

-you meet your first bully in the new school who later on becomes one of your closest friends

-you change schools every year for the next 5 years

-blizzard biggest one ever recorded no school for 3 weeks

-stitches from getting beaten by a branch in the head

-you move to another school in the suburbs

-got beat by dad for dressing like everyone

-meet a Vietnamese kid who doesn’t speak a word of English

-he follows you until you’re old

-meets 6 more closest friends

-dad tries to beat you again for the same reason this time you fight back

-get hit by a car while riding your bike, flew 10 ft and lands on head

-you meet your twin, becomes your best friend until you’re old

-you mess up your relationship with your twin because of a prank

-arrested for the prank

-twin got your back forgives you

-you get beaten again over and over by dad

-you fight back again this is the last time

-first job

-runs away

-first cigarette

-drivers license

-first weed

-you’ve had enough and you leave before high school is over

-you stay with friends all over the place

-you come back home

-hate weed so I stopped

-your first girlfriend is too old for you

-you graduate high school

-you meet a new girl and stayed with her for two years

-she cheats

-first girlfriend comes back

-says I’m just a side piece no future with me

-second one comes back

-leaves again for another guy

- messed up your brother hood with twin

-go to college

-grandma dies

-you miss her

-you mourn your best friend (grandma)

-want to skip class to go to New York

-watch the towers fall and witness the smoke burning

-stays with second girlfriend

-lived with second girlfriend

-her side piece asked for her hand

-wtf

-leaves her

-goes back home to start all over again

-first corporate job

-meets a girl, didn’t last long because she was into weird stuff

-meets a girl

-turns out I’m just a side piece

-first girlfriend returns

-you lose one of your closest friends from suicide

-first girlfriend leaves again

-turns out I'm just a side piece

-goes to the military

-too many dead bodies

-close friend gets arrested DUI and kills cop

-your closest friend passes

-foot got blown up

-scars

-seeks God

-meets a girl in church

-twin comes back and hang out again

-started traveling first stop San Diego

-meets new group of friends

-she asked to be official when I came back

-lost my job

-meets more friends in College

-circle is getting smaller - friend dies from OD

-car gets hit by a bus driver on the phone while I’m sitting at the light

-hospital

-we’re all running 22 people now in the group of friends

-2008 crash loses the job

-Obama becomes president

-stops talking to new friends

-came back home

-got the dream job

-drove my dream cars

-got 5 out of 6 numbers mega millions

-GF cheats but took her back

-went back to school

-she cheats again

-breaks up

-brother comes out of the closet

-meets a new girl in college

-first real chemistry

-turns out she’s married

-brother leaves for the army

-he comes back after an injury

-church cheating girl comes back fucking given another chance

-lawsuit money from the bus accident

-offered to be a background actor

-she didn’t like it

-she gets pregnant

-friend jumps off the bridge with his kids all over the news

-proposes to her

-kept going for more roles while working dream job

-offered to have a speaking role

-she didn’t like it so I stopped, embarrassed of my accent

-mom has cancer

-bring mom to treatments

-we lose the baby

-stayed with the dream job

-depression from losing the baby

-breaks up again

-people start to leave the circle

-watched a coworker commit suicide off the George Washington’s Bridge. Couldn’t stop him

-we mourn him because he was only 26

-new Orleans

-she cheats again

-proposed

-got married

-graduated college again

-she didn’t show up for the graduation

-started go lose friends

-she got sick nearly dying nearly a year in the hospital

-went to Vegas

-Arizona

-California

-she leaves

-she comes back

-puerto rico

-Montreal, Canada

-new job with dream company

-Hawaii

-meets famous people you never thought possible

-Down to 6 of us in the group

-water front property with New York skyline views

-NOLA

-almost died at work from an accident

-New Orleans

-no more test driving for work

-Miami

-she is pregnant again

-Spain

-assigned to marketing and PR

-Mexico

-bought a dog

-eagles win SB

-kid is born

-quit cigarettes

-smiles from the kid make you feel lucky as a father

-kid and dog becomes best friends

-whole gang reunites first time in over 5 years for my sons first birthday. Nice to see every single person i knew.

-down to 5 but still in contact with everyone

-won $10k lottery

-traveled the world -NL, Belgium, France

-covid

-friends and family die from COVID

-dog dies

-family heart broken

-watching the news - Kobe dies

- COVID shutdown

-cancer

-recovered from cancer

-offered a director of marketing role

-started smoking heavy again

-accident - quickly settles and wins lawsuit

-new happy home

-travel parts of the world

-wife’s business is thriving given by twins in laws

-learned stocks, dividends, and crypto investments

-money skyrockets

-she cheats

-mom has cancer again and this time worse

-her business collapses

-she leaves for another man

-you feel ugly for the first time in your life

-alone inside the home we raised the family in

-anger

-started to hide face

-travel with friends

-college girlfriend becomes my neighbor but stayed friends

-meets people along the way

-nearly 20 years gone from the relationship and marriage

-divorce

-kid taken from me for 3 months

-depressed in a house all alone

-loses director role

-hustled and started a company

-traveled

-raised enough capital and kept going

- learned things about the new dating age

-started to just become protective over self

-wants to retire early

-just kept meeting new people all worthless

-they all use you, keep your guard up more this time

-protect every asset

-travel more

-you nearly died

-focused more on the business until you’re nearly dead

-travel more meets people

-puts the house on the market

-travel more

-goal is to retire early

-watch the kid grow

-meets a new girl who’s perfect in every way possible

-moves to see mom more

-goes to Arkansas

-falls in love with the new girl

-she’s also sick

-enjoyed the time of your life with her like never before

-afraid of life’s lessons given to you

-she gave you confidence back

-holds guard

-afraid because of the past

-still in love with her because she’s everything you’re looking for

-felt perfect with her, from kisses to every conversation

-you finally feel like your heart belongs to someone who cares

-buys ring want to adjust later

-I mean everything felt perfect

-you see each other

- chemistry was perfect

-felt like I won the lottery

-possible cancer again

-don’t tell her because she’s sick

-she leaves, you’re not sure why. Ghosted

-you feel ugly again

-you stop showing your face

-old friend comes to the rescue because twin and Vietnamese is going through depression at the same time, comes to help

-friend becomes too nosy

-coma

-life support

-comes back

-OT PT rehab

-says to stop contacting her

-the pain

-idiot forgot he got the tickets for me to leave for AR

-travel to Arkansas because it was the place where I felt happiness for the first time in years even though she doesn’t want to see me

-calls me

-she's angry at me

-goes back home

-shuts all social media off

-why am I alive?

-fight with friend

-fuck that told him to stay out

- no more friend

-no idea what life brings to me

-NL, Greece, Macedonia, France

-I’m probably still sick

-gets questioned for 6 hours no idea what was said about me

-spends time with kid

-told I’m clear

-weakness

-losing weight

-really want to hide my face forever

-spots disappearing

-2 lawsuits pending because of medical malpractice

-muscles all gone because of being sick

-scared to show everyone what I look like now

-insecurities build more

-why am I still here?

-when will it all go back to normal?

-a lot of near death experience but why?

Has anyone else question themselves like what am I doing back here after a NDE?

Everyday I feel like I want to go back, looking for purpose but I don't feel it. I had this much peaceful and happier feeling during that time I experienced my NDE.

There are days I feel like I'm just back to say my final goodbyes. Does anyone know who came back just to leave again shortly? That's how I've been feeling these last few days.

I just have this feeling that I'm supposed to just spend time with my son before I go again permanently this time.

Has anyone else question themselves like what am I doing back here after a NDE?

Everyday I feel like I want to go back, looking for purpose but I don't feel it. I had this much peaceful and happier feeling during that time I experienced my NDE.

There are days I feel like I'm just back to say my final goodbyes. Does anyone know who came back just to leave again shortly? That's how I've been feeling these last few days.

I just have this feeling that I'm supposed to just spend time with my son before I go again permanently this time.

Had a nightmare this last night, the dream was me and Kaila were on vacation and we were waiting in line to check in our hotel, I asked you to wait by the couches and sit while I get our room. I turn around and you ran off, I called and called your phone and when you finally picked up a guy was whispering in the background. You said come to me then, I ran and followed your voice and when I was getting closer then I woke up. That hurt. Alot. I haven't slept bc of these nightmares.

I spoke to my doctor virtually before I went to bed because of the time difference between Europe and New Jersey, I have to come in next week for vitals I need to come in to find out why I'm losing so much weight and another scan next week to see if I'm clear. Went to the Riviera after Greece, water was great took my mind off shit the last few days. I got to Perigueux, France this morning, I spent the last few days just touring the cities around Europe and trying to take my mind off things. I’m down to 163 pounds and that’s nearly 30 pounds I lost since end of February. No matter what I do I’m still losing weight. For years as far as I can remember I took care of myself and I see myself in the mirror with more wrinkles from lack of sleep and stress.

My goal for the last 5 years was to pinch every penny and invest so I can retire early no matter the cost and how much I work. I lost some of it because of the hospital bills this year. But still managed to keep a good amount but I'm not happy at all. I felt empty, lonely, and why bother doing all this. All this hard work and saving, I worked even harder last year so I can have a decent future with you. So we can travel or just attend to you by your side in case you can't work anymore.

I’m aging faster than ever not sure if it’s because of the meds and the radiation treatment or lack of sleep and I am too embarrassed to even take pictures. Do you know how it feels like to lose so much weight? From a good healthy weight to skin and bones? Family here said I look healthy but when I weigh myself, it’s too much weight loss. The feeling of your ribs protruding out. I felt a little embarrassed because I don’t feel like I’m me. Also a big part of me feels like it is missing. I don’t even want to be tagged on anything.

Jules last day of school is next week and can’t wait to see him when he sees me outside the school. I’m supposed to be here taking my mind off her and other things, but I can’t. It all hurts. I just want the honest truth and let my heart heal. Spending a few more days here and go back home.

-Art

So it was the same, had “some” fun at the beach but didn’t really feel right. Matter of fact I had this gut wrenching feeling, some kind of intuition feeling all day. Have you ever had that? I still do think about her and my heart is still there for her.

I took a walk this morning and this same lady kept asking if I was okay. She asked me the same question like 4 times. I said yes, but I honestly didn’t feel good. I was more sad than anything. It was tough to understand her with the Greek or Croatian accent here.

Watched the sun go down by the bay here and I wanted to just be on my own. Everyone went to the bar and I couldn’t really drink because of my meds. I want to so bad, my cousins were asking if I was okay, I said yes. But it was the same feeling all day. It’s almost 930 pm here and I miss that happy me feeling. I miss Kaila, can’t stop thinking about her.

My son called me earlier to check on me and how my trip was. Told me to brighten up because I’ve been sad for so long. Him and his mom told me that if I love her to just contact her or come home and see her. It’s not that easy. They won’t understand, as much as I love her I want her to be happy and be better. I do want to take care of her, I’ve never loved anyone like this before nor no one’s made me happy as much as she did. She’s sick and there’s nothing I can do about it. She doesn’t want me there to take care of her, I’ve always wanted to take care of her that’s how much I love her.

I’m also still thinking about the lady who passed away who was commenting on my stuff here sadly. She seemed nice, I called the company that she gave me weeks ago when some a******s were commenting about the post I did (long story short she was defending me because she has the same health condition as my ex) and made a call. I guess she’s really gone. Hoping the donation I gave will help someone out there who needs help through some of these non profit organizations. It’s a terrible illness. She sent me a DM before she died sitting on my inbox, really weird. Maybe I’ll just leave it there unopened, it’s been there since last week.

Tomorrow we’re flying out to France for a few days then come home. Hopefully I’ll be much better tomorrow. Ciao for now.

Looking for any suggestions of things to do and see in the local area. Any easy speak bars or restaurants?

Ended up flying to Greece this morning with my cousins, it wasnt too bad. Woke up and decided fuck it, let’s go. It’s like a direct flight from NY to Arkansas about 3 hours. As soon as we got off, we hit our hotel and then a few places. My cousins have been here before and thought it was beautiful. It’s late pm here right now.

I don’t how how I’m doing this, my chest has been really exhausted and tired but enough energy to keep going. It was nice to get my head clear for a while, away from home and all the nonsense and missing her. I’d put more photos but my self esteem has been at an all time low. Last time I showed my face was when I was with her, now I can’t even show my face at all. I feel some shame or feeling like shit.

My cousins smoke a lot of cigarette and I haven’t done any since my radiation. I’m so tempted to since it helped reduce my anxiety. Honestly, if I die here it’d be nice, it’s paradise here. Well, until tomorrow I’ll update y’all, we’re off to France in a few days. Until then. Wish you were here.

My intuitions are telling me so much that I should just move on and never loved you. I kept dreaming of her and it was painful, I miss her and think of her everyday. I put all our photos in the hidden files and just didn’t want to see her.

My heart aches and havent slept for weeks. I’m in so much emotional pain. I slept 30 minutes last night and my heart kept racing and raving, I would wake up every 15 minutes after that. I didn’t sleep at all but yet I was able to walk when sun came up.

I just want to cry but I can’t, I’ve ran out of tears. Took my Jules to school earlier and he didn’t like me like this. He said I haven’t been happy for months. I’m in deep and I mean deep depression. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I took my blood work earlier for my screening and hope that I’m free from cancer then check again 6 months. I’m getting exhausted and tired of life, I’m unhappy and lonely. I’m trying my best to focus but I can’t.

I took a walk at the park again earlier, this old lady came up to me and spoke to me about pain and sadness. She said she could tell I’m broken, and I started to cry and she just gave me the biggest hug. Can’t help but to miss Kaila. I don’t know why.

I have been trying to recover but it’s so hard to. I’m taking so many meds for post cancer treatment and it sucks. I wonder how you’re doing, did you make it to the clinic to get checked? Are you ever going to recover? Did you meet someone else because you couldn’t say I love you back? You’re beautiful, you can’t deny that. You are my dream person in every way, maybe I wasn’t. I think of you everyday and I haven’t stopped.

If you did, I hope you’re happy and this person is taking good care of you. But I made a promise that I’ll wait for you. Stem cell bill was so high too because someone made the decision for me while I wasn’t all in there during my time at the hospital.

I look at my journals and still trying to understand. I knew you were getting weaker and weaker and I was planning on moving my life for you. That’s how much I loved you.

Today, was hard, it was up and down. My emotions are everywhere. Why did I deserve to come back to life? Why didn’t cancer just become stage 4 instead of 1E? I’m depressed and tired. You have no idea what this did to me. All want to hear that voice and see that face that I miss so much. I feel sick to my stomach having thoughts about her I know my intuitions are right and it doesn’t feel good.

I saw my sons race, I was so proud of him. But I felt empty inside. Broken and lost, I know my purpose but there’s a spot that’s empty. I know what’s right and wrong but leaving me empty handed.

I haven’t slept at all because of all these things. Nightmares and depression, I sleep an hour a night and I can’t seem to stay asleep. I just want my happiness back.

Is anyone else going through post treatment depression? How come it’s so hard to get through this? I was never like this, unless my personal life amplified this feeling after treatment? If depression is there, will it affect my recovery? I know the mind and body has to be in sync. It’s so hard, I’ve been crying for weeks everyday.

This morning was tough, it was hard to get up and just wanted to stay in bed. It’s also cooler this morning. I took a walk to get fresh air and saw 2 cardinals and a blue jay.

I'm trying my best to keep my composure and focus. I think about her every second with whatever I'm doing. I spent the last year with her 24/7 and it's so hard not having you in my life.

I know you're sick and don't want anyone to take care of you but I do. I've always loved you, you didn't have to let me go because of that. I made a promise to you and I never break my promises. It makes me sick to my stomach everyday that I can't do anything for you. I care for you more than me.

My health recovery has been hard because I'm so stressed and I hate this daily feeling of missing you Kaila. You were my world.

It's so hard not to smoke lately from the anxiety and stress. I can't smoke until I get another test for cancer and this is so fucking hard. It's probably the most mental hardship I've ever experienced.

I found the perfect one and she's gone. My soulmate and my love.

Today was hot and windy, I wanted to drive to the beach and get my mind off but I can't even stand long.I've lost so much weight and lost 2 more pounds over the weekend. I'm not used to being so skinny, I work hard with everything I do and I feel like I'm just lonely and tired.

I'm still contemplating of selling my company because my emotions aren't all in there. With only few weeks until I'm supposed to come back. My employees check on me everyday but I don't even want to hear it from anyone. I'm neglecting my life and career.

Missing you

Art

I’m losing so much more hair! The doctors said after my cancer treatment it should be fine. I’m not sure if it’s stress. It’s hot as fuck too outside!

I’m supposed to go to Manhattan later to watch the game with friends. I can’t do it, I feel so depressed and embarrassed. I picked up my son, he was sad again, I’m tired of these bullies picking on him. He’s different, he has ADHD and other disorders. I feel really sorry for him and I’ve tried my best to be there for him as his dad but he doesn’t like talking to me. I tried talking calm to him like a friend but it didn’t work.

I saw one of my old college friends when I picked him up and told me how much weight I lost. I feel embarrassed and depressed about it. I pretty much just shrugged it off. My ribs are showing when I take my shirt off, it just doesn’t feel right.

I feel alone, embarrassed, depressed, and lonely. I have a few more weeks to pull myself together. I’m still reading my journals about what happened earlier last year and losing my text messages just fucks my head up. Another night and day thinking about her and how she’s doing and if Kaila will ever find answers. She’s the only woman that felt right my whole life and who I want to share and take care of for the rest of my life.

I keep looking at our pictures of how happy my life was before she disappeared. I deleted my socials so I won’t be tempted to look at her picture. She’s meant so much to me and she doesn’t even know it. I wonder if she went to Minnesota and found answers too or when she’s going.

I’m hoping I get answers myself. I just want a voice….her voice to hear. I’m not me lately and it hurts so much. I’m going to the game later on tonight and take my mind off things if I have the courage to even go out. Recovery is so hard when you can't stop tuning about her.

I went from 192 to this. I’m getting way too skinny and I feel so much more weaker, I’m told I should be going back to normal but it does seem like it.

I’m crying inside because I’m doing all this on my own.

It was harder to get up this morning, I don’t feel motivated to take my meds. I haven’t eaten much for days. I took a walk, hoping that it’ll make me feel better. Her presence inside my head always lingers, wondering how she’s doing. My heart wants to take care of her because she’s not well.

During the walk I saw a family of ducks, some ducklings were half way to adulthood and some beautiful blackbirds.

I was in so much pain after, this time another part of my body. It was sharp, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not eating or drinking water enough. I was also thinking about my son, he’s been talking about self harm and I’m not sure why.

That’s all for today, all self reflection and trying to heal everything.

I'm here losing weight either from my maintenance medication after battling cancer or depression. I miss talking to her everyday and being able to feel happy for once with someone. I hope she's okay and finds the cure for herself too (she's also sick)

I'm forcing myself everyday to eat. But my appetite is gone. It sucks that I'm not able to keep it in. Sometimes I don't even want to take these meds and just give up.

She made my life complete, now that feeling is gone.

My doctor said I'm supposed to gain some weight again. But I keep losing weight, my appetite is gone, all I worry about is Kaila and it's killing me inside. I still love her even though she doesn't want to talk to me. All I think about is if she's okay, if she's in pain or need anything at all. I'm supposed to be recovering but my anxiety knowing she's in pain kills me inside. I really don't want the cancer to return, I did a test to see if I do have it but it's inconclusive and have to wait for another month.

My ribs are showing a bit, I feel so embarrassed. My arms used to fill my sleeve and now I'm skinny again. My hair keeps falling and it's supposed to be coming back a little bit. Now I'm not sure about that, I wanted to just shave it all off but I wanted to keep what I have.

Why couldn't I just stay dead during that time. Everything is eating me inside. Physically and mentally. If I can just know how she's doing I'll be okay mentally. I walked my son to school this morning, he was really looking sad at me and telling me that even though he doesn't like staying with me he still loves me and doesn't want me to die.

I'm still trying my best to recover and also have been trying to see specialists. I used to write on my journal alot before I slept. I can't remember some things because of what happened to me earlier this year. I'm trying to find old messages from my phone but it got erased. I tried my best to look for solutions but it hasn't worked at all. All I have is my journal but I want to see messages for myself that I got from her.

My son loves but hates me, I raised him on my own since birth until he was 3 but now stays with his mom. He loves her more than me but I tried the last few days to have a good relationship with him. For weeks he's been bullied, I tried to talk to him. Before school I just wanted to see for myself what was going on. Some kids tried to take his ball, so I yelled at the kid to give it back. Of course I waited for my son to see if he can defend himself but he was too nice to them. He doesn't feel like he belongs to that school or community.

I walked after I dropped him off and tried my best not to look at anything. I've been looking more on reddit about depression and anxiety, how people cope with this. I tried all the exercises but I keep failing. I'm hope to get over this soon.