I'm sorry. Overthinking got the best of me. I'll message you soon (if you're still there) and I hope you do well in life! 🫡

She is girly;

Like, genuine old school feminine...

Not this 'alt/new-wave', covert-agro feminazi bullshit...

And thus:

-She doesn't try to 'become my problem'

-She doesn't try to constantly keep my ego in check; (never understood this)

-She doesn't generalize me

-She doesn't farm for advice from other insecure women to make a bad decisions or thoughts become falsely rational or unilaterally reasonable

-She doesn't treat me like a burden or a mistake while also demanding the world from me

-She accepts when she makes mistakes, even if she doesn't want to

-She holds me accountable, even if it's inconvenient for both of us

-She spoils me in ways that I like, not in the ways to force me to accept something I don't want

-She gives me what I want, and tells me what she wants

-She can admit when she doesn't know what she is doing or what she actually wants

-She doesn't punish or blame me for when she doesn't know or can't decide

-She allows me to be in charge when she isn't able to take the lead or do something for her self

-She trusts me when I am in charge

-She is a well rounded and well educated woman, and a total freak in the bedroom, her bedroom noises are fucking lit...

-I immediately feel when she is upset or hurt as if it is happening to myself

-I don't embrace being upset with her well; I just want to love her entirely

-I can't hold a grudge with her

- I understand her honest mistakes when she makes them

-She is forgiving when I mess up too

-She is a hard worker

-She looks at me like I am her world

-She is my world

I’ve always liked you. Maybe that’s why I can’t quite say it outright.

You’re a writer. So am I. We both know how to live between the lines, how to hide whole conversations inside symbols and half-finished sentences. But I think we’re tired now. Tired of the constant push and pull, of translating feelings instead of speaking them plainly.

And yeah, maybe I’m that quirky girl people tend to like. But beneath all that, I’m just someone who’s exhausted from pretending ambiguity is easier than honesty.

If you need to know something you talk to me. Don’t ask anyone about how I’m doing. You come to me. You talk to me. Please come to me. Please talk to me

Idk, I think if we sat down and decided to try something, the long distance would be hard but would payoff in the end. I think you know that too. As I told you, I’m happy to move, happy to adapt, happy to give all of my effort into something and for someone I wish to be with.

I’m trying to not lose my head, but we have so much in common and I’d really like to be with you. But I understand if you can’t do it. Whatever happens next, thank you for the wonderful memories of yesterday. I’ll treasure them softly.

J,

I keep replaying everything in my head, all the little moments that turned into big ones because of my own emotions, my own fears, my own inability to just slow down and love you gently instead of defensively.

The truth is, I cared about you more than I knew how to handle. And somewhere along the way, instead of making you feel loved, I made you feel criticized, pressured, and exhausted. I hate that. I hate knowing that someone I wanted so badly to keep close probably felt pushed away by me instead.

I know saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t magically erase the things I said or how I made you feel. But I need you to know that none of it came from not loving you. If anything, it came from loving you too emotionally, too impulsively, too fearfully. That’s not an excuse — just the truth.

I miss you in the quietest ways. Random moments during the day. Seeing something funny and instinctively wanting to send it to you before remembering things aren’t the same anymore. Missing your voice. Missing the version of me that existed when things between us were good.

I know I can’t force a restart. I know trust and comfort don’t come back just because somebody suddenly realizes what they lost. But if there’s even a small part of you that still believes in us, I’d want to do things differently this time. Less ego. Less control. More understanding. More patience. More listening.

And if it’s already too late, then I just hope someday you remember me with more softness than pain.

It is always a bittersweet thing to look back at the chapters we’ve closed, and it’s completely human to find comfort in the romantic thought of ~another life~when this one feels heavy. It takes an incredible amount of courage to break free from a comfortable life you aren’t truly happy in, and honestly, it is completely okay if someone just isn't ready for that kind of leap. Security is a powerful thing to give up.

But it is a heavy burden to try and have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes, in their own restlessness, people intentionally lean on someone else just because they want to use that connection to find a temporary escape for themselves. It stems from a deep, quiet selfishness, the kind they perhaps can't even help, but it leaves the other person carrying all the pain.

We often forget that seeking a hidden sanctuary while trying to hold onto a comfortable life always brings its own invisible weight. The anxiety of keeping those worlds separate, the fear of things crumbling, and the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop those aren't twists of fate; they are just the quiet, natural costs that come when we try to reach for pleasure without being ready for the reality of our choices, which turn into pain.

To the ones who are still reaching backward into the past, hoping to see if the echoes of what they left behind are still ringing...I hope your heart finally finds rest. It is a quiet grief, realizing you have unfortunately lost the one audience that truly accepted every single part of you, unconditionally.

It took me a long time to understand that carrying the hurt so someone else could use my light to warm themselves wasn't a tragedy; it was just a choice made from a place of deep, genuine love. But the greatest gift of healing is realizing that you can bless someone on their journey, appreciate the warmth of what was, and still gently step out of the script that was written for you.

I truly hope you find the joy and the presence you deserve in the life you chose, without needing to look for it in the rearview mirror.

I'm here wondering if you caught all the sudden calls to you. The music that mentions you without mentioning your name in physical form. Do you know that most of what I write finds at least a smidge of you between the lines. Do you know how often I think of you? No ..because we are not the same. I thought we were once upon a time...but we are very different .. I give way too much, and you...way too little. I don't mind the silence but I do mind the ignoring phases

Leaving me in read hurts my feelings especially after I see you on social media. I've noticed many changes in you...like the constant use of a social platform. You were never active before. I notice the changes in attitude towards me ..the I love you turned into take cares. I get it. It was all me...I did it .lock me up right? I have the burden of proof just the same as you. But somehow I still love you. Probably more than ever before ..when I start feeling down and think that you don't care at all ..there you are. So I sit here and I think of the night you came outside and sat beside me. I could feel the heat, the tension, I wanted so badly to tell you right then that I loved you ..but I knew it couldn't be...so when you leave me in silence I write ..songs... poems...anything. You've made it on to every album I've done...but did you know?

Hey again.

Sorry. I can’t help saying it again.

I love you. So much.

Once upon a time, the most emotionally exhausting… let’s call it “meeting” of my last two years happened. You know the one. The one where, for reasons we do not need to unpack here, you asked me to repeat what I had told you one-on-one in front of your team.

You knew, I think, how frightening that would be for me.

But: you were there beside me through the whole thing. Close. Present. Steady. And hell, I needed you there.

You are the person whose presence, to me, makes unbearable things feel possible.

Without you, I could not have done it.

After three weeks of burying myself in work, partly to distract myself from the ache of not having you beside me right now, I’m finally taking a break for a day or two. Of course, the thing I was distracting myself from is now right there again, all over my mind.

Anyway.

The next milestone coming up is a kind of finish line for me. It means I’ll have to speak again, in another “meeting”, and I already know I’ll be anxious as hell.

And I wish you"d be with me for that one.

Sit close again.

Because you, there beside me, make anything feel manageable.

Good morning! How are things and you?

So... I had the most delightful dream of you today.

I will forever curse my alarm for going off, I think that if it didnt wake me up I wouldve stayed there forever.

You know when you wake up from a great dream and you just lay there going over it, absorbing everything?

It took me a couple of minutes today, I couldnt even hit the snooze after waking up from that. I mean, it would be a shame for any other dream to follow up after that... How could I follow up to that? Im having trouble tuning in to real waking life after that.

It wasnt even anything grand, well, for me it was, what I mean is that it wasnt us riding a pegasus to disneyland while eating cotton candy clouds or anything.

It was just us meeting, realistic, and the immediate follow up of that.

There wasnt any kisses or any inappropriate amount of touching, just a hug and us talking, when people would let us. Cause people were always stealing you from me and we could never finish the conversation, but we kept finding each other.

There was no pressure to anything, no expectations (I mean, you brought me candy so maybe that counts as a big expectation lol), just you and I, existing in the same room, talking about nothing at all and everything... The most complicated question was if your birthday was really on that date.

The universe is funny, it always does that... It did back in december too, remember?

On my good moments I always wish of dreaming of you and I get nothing, but whenever I'm extra frustrated or angry it comes like clockwork... No fair, right?

Im probably gonna be drunk on that dream all day today.

... I will forever curse my alarm for waking me up.

... I couldve lived there forever.

... But we cant live in dreams, right? :(

I think that one is my favorite dream.

I feel as if you’re doing it on purpose. The proximity, but distance. You’re somehow always in my view. Always on my mind. I suck at reading signs; I’m autistic. I suck at getting closer to people. I suck at showing my interest towards you. I didn’t mean the blank stare. I wanted to say hi back, I wanted to tap your shoulder and talk about something. Just to hear your voice. I’m sorry about my cowardice. I never had this feeling growing up. It feels like I’m overthinking our every move. I wish it was mutual. God can it be? Can we start over? What’s your name? How’s it spelled? Was it your mother or father who gave you that name? Can I start by asking meaningful questions; or is it far too late for that?

Many letters I have written thus far.

I almost feel as if I should have stopped long ago.

For I have analysed every detail, thought every moment, felt every flame of desire. The cycles are routine to my minds structure.

Your smile, your emotion, the changing tones of your voice. They have anchored to the roots of my soul.

The way you gazed upon me was like no other. I could see the emotion in your eyes. But I could also see the emotion of your disappointment. I always felt for you. And it only deepened as I encountered you more.

It's the closest I've ever felt to believing in fate. I'll never forget seeing your name or merely cycling through the thoughts of you, to be randomly met with sights of wedding dresses on multiple occasions. Catching the glimmer of your eyes repeatedly. The sunshine parting through the clouds signalling my turn to see you walking by. Thinking I had seen the last of you, meeting you shortly after the thought. Believing there was no chance to see you at such a different time, only to be proven wrong. You always came back to me. We always came back to eachother.

You may have grown tired of me, but even still, my heart thinks of you as my destined love. You could never truly leave me now that you comfortably remain as a part of my very soul.

Sometimes I wonder, if you truly knew how much empathy & love I feel for you, would it re ignite how you once felt. Or perhaps those feelings lie dormant or have they faded.

I have felt love for many, but my heart wishes most to return to you. Love songs remind me of you. Couples remind me of you. My life reminds me of what I need to get through the day. Your image. Our connection. You. My destiny.

I love you wholeheartedly.

I thought that we’d be friends forever, I really did. I thought that I’d never reach a breaking point where I had to lay my sword down and say enough is enough. I can’t continue to fight for a friendship that it seems like I am the only one that wants that.

You would always say you’d never leave and that everyone leaves you. I think I understand why “everyone leaves” you. You don’t make things easy to cultivate. You punish your “friends” when they upset you instead of discussing things and trying to understand the other’s perspective. You have to be babied and nurtured in your friendships which is not reasonable when you’re asking it from someone who’s barely able to take care of herself.

I wish like hell you’d work on yourself. You’d make such a difference in how to maintain your relationships with others if you just stuck to working on yourself and kept going to therapy. I know it’s rich coming from me when I’m not the best friend due to my own mental disorders. The difference though? I’m still working on myself every single day and trying.

Ultimately my heart hurts to lose another person in my life but I also can’t be punished via not being responded to over days due to a miscommunication. It’s not fair or right to play with my emotions and make me stressed because you didn’t like my lack of response to something. You didn’t bother to ask me if I was missing my mental health treatment (I have been- scheduling conflicts) which makes me often be lesser of a friend due to my declining mental state. I’ve been increasingly suicidal and depressed since missing my usual infusion. I’m usually a much better friend and responder to things when I’m medicated.

All I know is I am through doing this cycle again. I can’t do it a 68292th time. I’ve been here, rinsed and washed and repeated the cycle. I’m tired of putting myself so far out there communicating, telling you to communicate, telling you to ask questions for it to all fall back on me being the one not communicating. Can’t keep going through that.

I guess this is my resignation letter to our friendship. And sadly, you’ll probably never even see this.

All good things must come to an end. This reality can be impossible to accept. There’s a feeling that will tell you the end is coming, far before any of the words do.

There’s a flip your stomach does, telling you uncomfortable truths, knowing that something is not right, that something once settled is now not at ease.

There’s a sickness that builds, waiting for a shoe to drop, with the knowledge that when it does, your reality will crumble. There’s a volatile restlessness, one in which you’re desperately grasping for straws, for life preservers, for solid ground, anything that will make this precarious situation resolve, even if just temporarily.

The scared child you once were has turned into an experienced adult, with lived in trauma. A part of that child always begs, subconsciously, to be seen and chosen anyway. A part of that child, with an innocence I am jealous of, will never know that you cannot have pleasure without pain.

I am in an odd stage of life. One I hope you never fully understand. I wish I had then the wisdom, the perspective, the knowledge I have now. Perhaps I would have known what to do with it.

In another life.

((Should I tell him this?))

I want to tell you that I never thought I’d feel this way again.

I feel like my past experiences made me never want to be in a relationship, have a boyfriend, or feel feelings. I really didn’t think it was possible to feel what I feel currently. I thought I was broken. I thought being alone would be better and safe.

My past really painted a picture that it’s not worth it. My past was rooted like a tree. My past was and is horrific. You don’t know it, but I’ll tell you.

My first boyfriend tried to kill himself when I wanted to exit the relationship. I never thought that would affect me until now that I’m older,it did, psychologically.

The second person I loved hurt me mentally and physically, and I had a kid with him. There are three memories that will forever be implanted in my head.

The time he poured the dog water on my head and spit in my face when I was holding our child.

The time I woke up from not being able to breathe because he was on top of me, strangling me with his hands wrapped around my neck while I was sleeping. I was so scared I peed the bed.

And the time he held a shotgun to my pregnant belly.

He did a number on me, and even cheated saying it’s because of me. Trust is nonexistent in my world.

I have never told anyone this before. And since this is in my unsent notes, I'm not sure if I ever will…

But I never thought I’d be here today with these feelings. I thought I was forever jaded.

Believe me when I tell you it took time. Time for me to recognize that toxic behaviors I thought were communication isn’t normal. After dating the last person after my abuse, I really thought my brain was messed up. My pattern was to immediately avoid, stay silent, or communicate toxically because I thought it was the way.

So again I say, I can’t believe I’m here feeling how I feel with you. You bring so much peace, I'm scared to let you in. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm trying to reprogram still. Know I’m trying to push my past experiences away and not judge or have redetermination.

I want to believe we are real, but I’m so fucking terrified it’s not. But I know it’s real. I feel it. I feel myself breaking my boundaries that I built as high walls around my heart.

I appreciate everything you do, even the small stuff that you probably don’t even know you’re doing.

I get lost in our own world, but the good lost, that I don’t ever want to touch back down to earth…..

I feel, and I’m feeling. A place I never thought I would be again……

You might just be the one.

The one…..

The one for me…..

I love you too🩷

I deleted, you deleted, they deleted, too.

I projected, you projected, who was even who?

Want to know what's true?

Not sure if I still do.

I hope you're doing well.

See you in

hey just wanted to say f you. you suck. the way you treated me the entire time i knew you sucked. i think you get away with a nice facade but you treat people like sh**. you use them because you feel bad about yourself. you have very little sense of self, and instead of doing anything about it you suck the life out of other people. i entered into your life so genuinely and expected you to do the same. but you don’t even know yourself enough to love another person. you’ll never be happy until you heal. until you stop using women to complete yourself. youre like every other man, youre your father. if the women you loved knew how you treated me, and so many others… theyd be ashamed.

Hi I'm waving my white island , whatever flag you are on, I miss you. I hope we can kiss before we die, it seems like we are waiting for something that won't happen unless we both make it, happen. By it I mean pennywise because I look weird but everyone needs love including aliens . I'm not an alien but I wish I was one so I could just fly to where you are and take you in my spaceship and get the freak up off this absurd planet.

Hopefully we can find another more promising planet. The one that cherishes love eternally more so than this one. Then we could start writing love letters in cursive like the olden days and send them via postal service.

Afterwards we can devote our lives to one another, get a crest designed in the shape of our specific love language and color scheme. We share a pattern that seems like we are similar but scared and anxious about it. By it I don't mean pennywise but by this freaking understanding that love is all around us, it made us and gave us something alien like. I like you, stop thinking I don't see you or feel you. Or that I am a ho. I do not go around giving my love kisses willy nilly.

And since we are probably both a little bat poop crazy ,in a good way, I hope you know that feeling you in my heart continues to keep me functional. I don't want to be apart any longer , but goodness gracious everytime I see you I don't know what I should do and my brain keeps malfunctioning. So maybe I need a nerve blocker that way I may be bold . OK that's enough for now , but I'll continue to write about my peelings towards you. Peelings. I make no qualms about this,I believe our connection has made me really value someone else and I'm not joking , I'm serious about you. And you already make me swoon. Feelings.

I'm not looking at others because I'm attracted to them I get lost in fantasies about you and wish I could make them turn into you but I don't have that power,yet.And I forget where I am and then I come back and boom I was staring at someone unoblivious to the aftermath. But not always, sometimes I m just in outerspace with my thoughts. See you around, someone I will always admire and enjoy thinking of.

Not go to work tomorrow?
Not go to work for the week?
Just hangout tangled in each other fck,eat, and sleep?
We could roll around and do whatever we please. Honestly, we could do anything. Anything with you is what I want to do. Want to just sit and see who could stare at a wall longer? Deal. Hold my hand and let’s see who wins.
Where you are is where I wish to be.

I just want you do know that you truly do mean the world to me. I hold love so deep for you that it's undescribable. You have always been my safe, haven. You might not think this, but I look up to you a lot.I look for your guidance.I ask what would she do. You have a power within yourself that if you put your mind to anything , you will exceed well beyond anyone's expectations. I wish you would stop second-guessing the love that I have for you and that you're the only one I want to grow old with. There isn't one thing about you that i don't like or that disappoints me. You are perfect in my eyes.You're the most beautiful and sexy woman.I've ever seen or that i've ever been with. You're a bit crazy and a little bit of a whack job like me, LOL we match each other's crazy perfectly guaranteed , we would be on the same short bus going to the looney bin. You have had so many struggles. And heartbreaking events that have happened to you in your life that I know of. I also know that you've never been treated right in a relationship.Even I myself didn't treat you right when I was with you. Which I don't understand why you gotta see a little bit of it here and there. There's a lot of regrets that I live with that i did to you and that caused you great pain. And if 1 day we start walking the same path. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.Treating me right and how you should be treated like a queen. You might not believe it, and it might take time and just not talk. I truly do hate this place and I hate where we are at this moment. I don't know what your reasonings are right now for staying silent.But I respect it because they are your reasoning. But I do feel you are here i feel that you write me and you're going through just as much pain, as I am, you're going through ups and Downs. And probably so tired of the pain, but you can't let go cause you love deep too. We've always had this connection. I know you can feel it, and everybody around us can feel it when we're together. Just like the last time we saw each other.Even though it was just one time you felt like home and I know that I felt like home to you because you opened up to me. And the look in your eyes looked like you were scared but happy at the same time. I don't know where the path is going to lead us.I do know one thing you've always been my end game i don't care what anybody else thinks you know that. Let everyone have their doubts about us. We've always been the people to prove people wrong. I know that people change and I know that people do things wrong throughout their life. It's they learn from it. And we both caused each other pain, and we both did things that we regret i don't live in the past.I wanna live for the future.I wanna build a future with you. I also believe that you can let things go too. It doesn't mean that things didn't happen. It's just that we've learned from them , and we're better in ourselves , from the experience and not to do them again. All I can do is hope and wish then I get to wake up every morning with you beside me. One thing I want you to know is I truly don't know who you are on here i thought I did at 1 point, but I deleted that account and lost all the messages and who you were. I don't do very good with reading in between the lines. A lot of things go over my head. And people have played with my mind and thinking that it was you that I was talking to. And so many people have the same love story as we do. So unless you put something that specifically, I would only know I don't know it's a 100%, you that is why I say something about the moon , because that is our saying , I love you to the moon and back and i will always i haven't given up on you And you will always be my end game when you're ready , I know you'll find me but there's always this feeling in the back of my mind that you've let go all ready that you no longer feel the same way about me that you let the pain take over and given up. I haven't given up on you yet and I never will. You always have a part of my mind and a big part of my heart. I just hope that i don't have to hide it and put it in a deep dark corner inside of me.I hope I get to share it with you

Jm ♡ HB