r/UnsentLetters

I think the hardest part about losing you is knowing that I could probably meet someone else someday, but I don't think I'll ever love them the way I loved you.

There’s this loneliness that follows me everywhere. Some days it’s quiet, and other days it feels like there’s an empty space beside me that nobody else could ever fill.

And the strange thing is, I don't even want someone to fill it.

I don't want a replacement. I don't want another person to take your place, because that place belongs to you. Even after everything, even after all this time, I couldn't dream of asking someone else to stand where you once stood.

Maybe that's why moving on feels so impossible. It isn't that I believe you're the only person I could ever meet. It's that I don't want to pretend what we had can simply be recreated with someone else.

I miss being loved by you. I miss loving you. I miss having one person in the world who felt like home.

And now I'm learning what it's like to live with the possibility that I'll spend the rest of my life carrying that love for someone who isn't here anymore.

I wish I could stop feeling so lonely.

But I don't want to stop loving you just so the loneliness will go away.

I don’t really know how to say this without making it sound heavier than I mean it to, but the past couple of weeks have been hard for me.
The shift between us felt really sudden, and I honestly don’t know what happened. One minute things felt easy and natural between us, and then suddenly there was this distance. I’ve tried to respect it because I don’t want to make you feel pressured or like you owe me anything, but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t hurt.
I think the hardest part has been not knowing why. If I did something, I’d rather know. If you need space, I can respect that. If you’ve decided you don’t want me in your life anymore, I’d rather hear that too. It would hurt, but at least I’d understand where I stand.
I don’t expect you to fix anything or give me some perfect explanation. I just miss when talking to you felt easy. I miss feeling like I could just be myself around you without wondering whether I was saying too much or bothering you.
And honestly, I wish you’d just tell me what’s going on in your head. That’s probably the part that’s been hardest—the not knowing.

I want to make that right. Not by a fucking apology, I already did that against my better judgment when I instinctively knew you just needed to not hear from me. But I mean actually fix the problem and I have exhausted myself trying to do so. I spent a while on the phone with my cousin to see if he knew of anything I could do but I'd already taken the steps he suggested and seriously nothing happens. Unfortunately in a situation like this, you're way smarter than I am so yeah, you'd likely be better at fixing my error (I say that for lack of a better term. My nuke I guess) than I am. I am not talking about fixing this to smooth it over with you and be in your good graces I mean fixing it for you. I keep forgetting how serious this is for you because we are obviously totally different in that way and I definitely could follow suit because I've gotten myself into situations over how loose I am with shit. But then I see something and I remember and really think it through and what it means and how this was probably the actual worst thing I could have done to you specifically and I start freaking out again with absolutely no clue on how to correct it. And I just want to ask you what to do but I obviously can't do that and I am sorry. I really am a fucking nightmare and just need to stay clear away from people. I could drop literal paragraphs on how and why this was so deeply wrong. But it wouldn't change anything and I am sorry. I am so sorry.

Would you even recognize these words as mine?
I still love you.
I just don’t want to be with you.
I want you to be happy.
I don’t hate you.
Sometimes love remains, even when the relationship doesn’t.

And you know I know. I just want you to know I know exactly what the games were about. I know your whole situation and what your triggers were. I knew why you'd be warm then cold. When we made deep eye contact, you knew I saw right through you and being seen like that was so intriguing for you that you couldn't look away in the moment even though you would try to lock yourself down after the fact.

Love isn't a big deal for me. I love everyone, and I'm not embarrassed that I felt something for you. You trying to destroy my reputation after I asked about our vibe was cute and totally predictable and didn't even bother me. Because there's nothing you can do to hurt me.

It's not that I have moved on, where I am isn't a place you leave. I'm just basically ok with whatever happens because I am taken care of no matter what happens. And I can sense your guilt, your dreams, and your nightmares, and I'm just wishing you peace because I can't expect you to behave better for me or anyone else until you can accept yourself for who you are (even the dark parts) and accept me and others too. To stop competing for power and get real about what you really want and are able to give.

I am not going to contact you first and am not sure if the door back to me is even open anymore, and while I might make fun of your immaturity for my own amusement from time to time, I really truly will always love you no matter what. I just don't need to be with you to hold that warmth, and my love for you belongs to me, not you, and I'll hold it until I decide to set it down.

You can always find me. 

Breathe in, then find me in the pause before the breath out.
Take another one.
I’m in the tranquility reaching out to you in that space between breaths.
Like the tranquility in our late night talks. It’s still there for you.

Find me in the spaces between the tumbling,
incessant thoughts that fill your mind without reprieve.
Reach for the space between the thoughts and hear me tell you,
“you’re doing great” and “you are enough”.

Tie your shoelaces (such a day ruiner) and find me in the irritation and urgency,
and accept the discomfort in the slowing down it makes you do.
In that slowed down space, breathe again.
Direct your breath toward the resistance in your chest
that’s trying to stop you from slowing down.
Im here.

Find me in how it feels when you let go and move to the beat,
let your body live in the vibration.
[when is the last time you danced? Do it, pick a song].
Breathe here too, I’m with you, I got you.
You don’t have to be strong in every moment. 

When you feel afraid that you are not in control,
feel me sending you extra support.
It’s ok to let go, give some slack,
fall a little to bounce back.
You’ll always be able to bounce back.

If you feel lonely and not understood,
please feel me in the space around you.
In the breeze or the heat or coolness on your skin,
or just in the vastness of space.
I love you, my soul to yours, exactly as you are.
Read that one again and accept it.
You are loved as you.
Maybe even read it one last time.
Feel it.

That’s always in the universe for you to feel when you want it.
I leave it in the spaces between for you to take when you need.

After all my efforts to become closer to you…

That hurts. More than I care to admit.

I am accustomed to the quiet architecture of my own isolation. I built it up to be that way.

The world sees the stark contrast of pale skin and black hair; they recognize a sharp mind, and they assume the distance I keep is effortless.

I'm helpful, knowledgeable, won't gatekeep....but somehow untouchable, in a league of my own.

In truth, beneath this composed surface is a chaotic, restless need to step into the wreckage of others, and to play the savior.

I'm always restless. Call me adhd 🤙

...And then, I look at you.

You exist in the soft margins of our shared spaces during the weekdays, always respectful and by the book. Always kind, fair.

There is something equally dangerous in genuine goodness. (I imagine it tastes divine.)

You have no idea that your simple presence, has become the only calm in my endless noise.

You are the one exception to the way I move through this life.

You do not need to be saved, managed, or fixed. You only need to be known.

And for the first time, I find myself longing to lay down my armor, step out of the chaos, and simply be the one who knows you, and gets lost in the calm blue of your eyes.

-another mislabeled human in their 30s

after that message I tried so hard not to bother you again, not because I didn't want too, not because I didn't miss you, not because I forgot about you, but because I knew that silence is all I had left to give.

I've already said what needed to be said, letting my words hang in the air between us like a bridge that I could never cross.

and now all I can do is step back, hold on to Whatever's left of our memories, our amazing times together. and actually really try to let you go, try to let go of the person I've truly loved.

but it's not that easy. it's not easy when my fingers itch to type another message, when my heart races just imagining your name lighting up my screen like old times, it's not easy when my mind keeps replaying the past wondering if there was more I could've done, more WE could've done together.

it's not easy when every part of me still misses the comfort of your soul, your presence, your voice, how close it felt talking to you late at night together all alone.

last night I dreamt of you. everything was so calm, I felt at peace. no pain, no distance, you looked at me the way I've missed so much. how you smiled, how you laughed, everything came to life in that dream. it was everything was like before, but I could actually hug you. and when I did, you didn't let go. everything felt so real, but when I woke up and realized it was a dream I was disappointed. i tried sleeping again, just to take one more look at you. but I couldn't...

i wish dreams were real, because only there I feel at peace with you, I've realized that I missed you more than I can bear. i just want you to know that in my dreams. in my dreams you're still here. And you're still the one I love with all my heart.

She says I need to move away from patterns. Try to walk away from the past. Stop fostering relationships that I know will end in heartbreak or disappointment because even a brief moment of acknowledgement feels like a high, and the pain of neglect or rejection is familiar. We weren't talking about you and I, but we can both guess where my brain wandered off to.

I know you can't say that I'm important to you. I know you're not corny like I am. I know I'm in no position to ask that of you. I know we agreed us talking is just sex, and very very casual checking in. It hasn't managed to be either of those things very successfully.

I don't want to never talk to you again, and that's my problem. I'm very sentimental over you. I'm attached. I care more than I reasonably should. You got into my heart and feasted until there was a space only you could fill. Even with the countless times we've hurt each other, and the countless ways we've dismissed and dehumanized each other, and even with the betrayals that eventually broke us... I still can't shake you.

Even when we keep pissing each other off, and I'm trying to be distant and ignore the urge, give you space... I've checked my phone hundreds of times today, hoping to see your name. If I walk away from you, it's not going to be my choice. I don't want it. I never want to go a significant amount of time without you at least in my phone, ever again. If I have to suffer because of that, fine.

Dear internet friends,

I would like to understand why some people shame others and find joy in their sorrow?

I would like to understand why it's been acceptable to do this with no remorse?

My head can't get around why this would ever be satisfying to another person.

Maybe I am happy that I dont understand.

Maybe I should be thankful.

Maybe I am too forgiving.

If someone makes a mistake and is truly sorry - showing no signs of ever repeating that mistake - leave them be. Please.

We don't need to bring it up over and over again. They know. They are aware. I am sure they think about it day and night. Many of us punish ourselves. We don't need you to join in. We got this.

Let everyone heal and see that the world is forgiving and will welcome them. Let them forgive themselves. Let them try. Lets be better to each other.

Xoxo

I hear that a measuring stick has been placed between the two of us, and you’re worried about where things lay.

Let me reassure you, in all the ways being measured: style, charm, smarts, you win.

I do apologize for walking away from the measuring stick, I’m sure you n the person that placed it there were looking forward to making me feel small while you measured, but unfortunately for you, I don’t care that you’re better than me.

I will say though, I might be lacking in a lot of ways, but at least I like myself enough to not need to make others feel small to feel good about myself.

you smell like a bonfire. you smell like the woods. i can feel the grit of your words like im using my hands to bury myself beneath your tallest tree. I could swim the length of your legs, get completely lost in you. so much so that we end and begin in indistinguishable places.

i know where you’ve been, and i want that too. i know that look in your eye. tell me more, tell me more. i need to know the changing of your internal season. i need to know you.

Sorry things were so... complicated.
I wish we could've gotten somewhere.
I wish trust was there.
I wonder if you know I stalk your posts, haha.
I wonder if you think about me.
What is it that you think?
I felt like I never understood what you were thinking.
Maybe that was on purpose.
I really think you're an interesting energy.
I wish there was a way we could still talk.

~ Bunny

This is all not healthy for me to find a text here and relate it to my situation because you will always be ambiguous
Idk if the letters were for me
Who are you if the letters were yours how do you know me so deeply
Why don’t you admit it you know better than me
This is scary for me
You say it’s not embarrassing for you
Then why didn’t you tell me
I can’t be in the situation if it’s one sided it’s so difficult for me to even trust when things like this happen
How could you see through me while hiding in ambiguity
I choose to keep my mind safe
I won’t chase you

If you love me back, please show me. I’m not asking for perfection or some grand gesture—I just need to feel like I’m not standing here alone, holding onto something you’ve already let go of. I’m trying so hard to keep believing in us, but honestly, I’m abandoning all hope here. I love you, and I need to know that I’m not the only one still fighting for this.

-c

I think you won.

Congratulations, I guess. You won. You became the one who chose her life. You became the one who chose her future. You became the one who chose her success. Yeah. You won.

The one who lost was me. I was the one who lost in life. I was the one who lost when it came to choosing my future. I was the one who ignored everything I had just to stay by your side. I was the one who gave up everything just to make you happy. Yeah, I lost. More than anything, I lost myself because of you. I let myself down because of you.

But I won at loving you. But what good is that win? None. Absolutely none.

You know why? Because I never even had an opponent. I was the only one in that field, competing against myself. You weren't even there, so my winning never meant anything. It was all pointless. Empty.

Good for you. At least you have something to say, something to be proud of. Good for you. You can say that someone fought until they had nothing left just to keep you. Good for you. You can say that someone sat in front of you and cried because they were terrified of losing you. Good for you. Honestly, good for you. You can say that even though you were the reason behind everything that happened to them, they still tried for you.

Good for you. You can say that even after I wasted years of my life, my time, and my heart on you, I still loved you.

Good for you(:!

By the way, do you say all of this with pride? Do you really take pride in it? Because you like having someone chase after you just so you can break them down.

There's just one more thing I'm wondering…

Even when you know that the other person no longer exists because of you and the things you did, would you still say all of this with pride?

To You,

My god, it hit me today like a ton of bricks!

You were a well disguised relic of past mistakes and behaviors I thought I had moved past. But you are a user and an abuser, a vacuous void of a man I had already learned to avoid. You just hid better, like a cuttlefish.

No…you aren’t remarkable or good. You’re the kind of man who currently is taking sexual advantage of a mentally unwell girl half your age (and lying about it…ew.) That depraved emptiness in you is why your wife left you, why you can’t get a job, it’s why I quickly outgrew my fondness for you and saw the disgusting creature carefully camouflaged.

Your failures and emotional voids are not because you’re so deep and knowledgeable and that makes you unknowable—It’s because you’re broken and expect everyone to fix everything for you and put up with your bad behavior along the way. You expect people to thank you for the chance to hold your vile bits. You aren’t “sunshine”, you’re a solar flare—all radiation and destruction.

Today I had the moment of clarity I have been waiting on and needed to leave you behind for good. To stop feeling bad and sad replaying the “good parts” as if that would somehow help me feel better for abandoning you to yourself. And when that moment hit…I was disgusted that I thought I needed to help you. That I thought there was validation of being someone who endures mistreatment while you “healed”, simply to say I’m strong enough to withstand it. I had already learned this lesson, and left that man behind too. Thankfully I snapped out of it much quicker with you. Why would I ever trade myself for you? We aren’t equally yolked.

You found me at a vulnerable time and place, and for a while offered comfort I wanted. Some self soothing while I navigated my way forward. It’s when you decided that you were someone I needed that you changed. Started being manipulative, controlling, and lying. And doing it so clumsily. Yet you actually lacked the character to be someone I would be with. The people I need are already in my life and I am well and truly loved.

You really thought I would stay and be cowed into submitting to you and that kind of “love”. But I never did, did I? Ohhh that ate you alive…Losing. Not getting your way. My refusal to submit to your bullshit. My adamant requirements that you be better or leave me alone. (Which you couldn’t do, so I left.)

I have always been and will always be stronger than you. My intuition greater, my self love more complete. My relationship with accountability and boundaries more healthy and in tact. I just needed a few days out from under the oppressive stink that was you, cloying and clinging to my being and coattails, to remember I am whole and complete on my own.

You needed me. Not the other way around.

So this is last thing I ever put out in the universe regarding you. You are insignificant and small, the chaos you see and feel around you reflects the chaos within you. You aren’t kind. You aren’t evolved. You’re a 40 year old, unemployed and unemployable man with a God complex, a wannabe thought leader ( *ahem* cult leader), with predilection for young and vulnerable women. Which you hide by pursuing women beyond your ability to meaningfully compliment. And when they find out and call you on it, you become a self righteous and abusive prick. There’s nothing divine within you. Nothing special about you.

You’re insecure and lack true confidence and self esteem but you attempt to siphon it from women because of your unhealed mommy wounds. You’re a predator, and a liar, and underneath all of that: a sad broken boy who can’t forgive his parents for not loving him enough. All while you also don’t love yourself and refuse to learn. You weaponize therapeutic language to feel superior because you lack the actual depth of character and self compassion to actually grow. It’s not worth it to wish you peace.

I leave you to be as you have always been self destined to be.
Unremarkable.
Unmemorable.
Unlovable.
Common loot.

Good fucking riddance.

I bet you lie and say I was too outdoorsy and I didn't want to put up with your allergies.

I bet you shrug and say 'I wish her well,' another lie.

I bet you use the same tired tactics on your new targets and get frustrated when the don't work.

I bet you doctor shopped again and upped your meds instead of going to therapy.

I bet you still mix me up with other women you dated.

I bet you think we dated this year.

I bet you get annoyed and look up my social media to prove I'm miserable but my life is going really well, and you get even more annoyed.

I bet you won't find this but it makes me happy knowing I'm free of you finally.

As long as I’ve known you, you have been my greatest love. I know more about you than you may know about yourself, and I know you possess more understanding of my ins and outs than I know exist. We are one and the same, in many ways, but also each others’ perfect mold. Not because we met that way, but we because we grew together that way. We tamed our thoughts and behavior to contort to the shape we created. We sculpted each other in the most formative years of our lives.

I know every inch of you, intimately. You had to buy extra storage to make room for all the pictures of my body you’ve taken. We’ve loved each other selflessly. Carnally. We’ve made future plans to create new experiences for each other. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I thought about your preferences. I’d fantasize about the ways you’d comment on my lip-liner, or notice when I put my hair down for you. I’d buy clothes that accentuated the features you couldn’t resist. I knew what you wanted.

Until I didn’t. All the nights we’d joked about being stuck with each other- all the times you said I couldn’t get rid of you if I tried- did you know you were lying? I didn’t notice when it happened. I didn’t notice you making plans without me. I was pathetically, perfectly contented by the confidence that our relationship was indestructible. So much so that on the day you left, I wore something I knew you’d love under my clothes. If I’d have lead with that, would you have changed your mind?

You wanted to know if we could be friends. You said you couldn’t live without me being in your life. 6 days ago, I considered you my greatest friend. Now, I’d flinch if I saw your name come up on my phone screen. How can I be your friend when I ache for you? How could I watch you live and grieve not living with you? How could I coexist with my deepest love lost and flip back to casual conversation?

You have been my highest priority for a near decade. And now, I can’t tie my shoes without sobbing because I don’t own anything you haven’t bought for me. I don’t know how to breathe without being in your orbit, how could I know how to be your friend? Please call me. Please tell me this is all a mistake. That you misspoke and I’m still your future. It’s taking all the strength I have not to call you and beg you to reconsider.

I miss you, love.