u/Inevert0ldu

I think you won.

Congratulations, I guess. You won. You became the one who chose her life. You became the one who chose her future. You became the one who chose her success. Yeah. You won.

The one who lost was me. I was the one who lost in life. I was the one who lost when it came to choosing my future. I was the one who ignored everything I had just to stay by your side. I was the one who gave up everything just to make you happy. Yeah, I lost. More than anything, I lost myself because of you. I let myself down because of you.

But I won at loving you. But what good is that win? None. Absolutely none.

You know why? Because I never even had an opponent. I was the only one in that field, competing against myself. You weren't even there, so my winning never meant anything. It was all pointless. Empty.

Good for you. At least you have something to say, something to be proud of. Good for you. You can say that someone fought until they had nothing left just to keep you. Good for you. You can say that someone sat in front of you and cried because they were terrified of losing you. Good for you. Honestly, good for you. You can say that even though you were the reason behind everything that happened to them, they still tried for you.

Good for you. You can say that even after I wasted years of my life, my time, and my heart on you, I still loved you.

Good for you(:!

By the way, do you say all of this with pride? Do you really take pride in it? Because you like having someone chase after you just so you can break them down.

There's just one more thing I'm wondering…

Even when you know that the other person no longer exists because of you and the things you did, would you still say all of this with pride?

I think you won.

Congratulations, I guess. You won. You became the one who chose her life. You became the one who chose her future. You became the one who chose her success. Yeah. You won.

The one who lost was me. I was the one who lost in life. I was the one who lost when it came to choosing my future. I was the one who ignored everything I had just to stay by your side. I was the one who gave up everything just to make you happy. Yeah, I lost. More than anything, I lost myself because of you. I let myself down because of you.

But I won at loving you. But what good is that win? None. Absolutely none.

You know why? Because I never even had an opponent. I was the only one in that field, competing against myself. You weren't even there, so my winning never meant anything. It was all pointless. Empty.

Good for you. At least you have something to say, something to be proud of. Good for you. You can say that someone fought until they had nothing left just to keep you. Good for you. You can say that someone sat in front of you and cried because they were terrified of losing you. Good for you. Honestly, good for you. You can say that even though you were the reason behind everything that happened to them, they still tried for you.

Good for you. You can say that even after I wasted years of my life, my time, and my heart on you, I still loved you.

Good for you(:!

By the way, do you say all of this with pride? Do you really take pride in it? Because you like having someone chase after you just so you can break them down.

There's just one more thing I'm wondering…

Even when you know that the other person no longer exists because of you and the things you did, would you still say all of this with pride?

I dreamed about you last night.

It had been so long, and it was such a strange dream. The whole feeling of it was exactly like three years ago, when we first got together.

I could feel that sense of trust again. The safety. Being loved. Being happy. Feeling like I could finally let my guard down after all this time.

You know, that feeling is so beautiful to me. It carries so much with it... love, longing, regret, peace, and a kind of calm I haven't felt in a long time.

But it hurts that the only place I could feel that again was in a dream.

It's such a shame that after that first year, I never got to see that version of you again. I never got to experience that kind of love again. safe, peaceful, innocent, and genuine.

Honestly, I think a part of me got left behind three years ago too.

You left your old self behind and moved on, and I left my new self behind and went back to the person I was when everything was falling apart.

I’m tired of myself.

I’m tired of the person I’ve become.

As far back as I can remember, I never really saw anyone as important enough to tie my life to them. Even when someone mattered to me and I got hurt because of them, I’d try to cut that thread connecting us.

But I don’t know what suddenly changed. I was already shattered once, but somehow I rebuilt myself.

But who destroyed me the second time?

Was it you who pulled out that brick from the wall of my ruin?

Was it me?

Was it you?

Or was it... something else?

How did I even get this far?

Why did I stay broken this time?

There was always something that gave me enough energy to start rebuilding myself again.

So what happened this time that nothing can seem to get me back on my feet?

How did I even become this broken...?

It was so fucking hard...

Looking at you for the last time.

Feeling you for the last time.

Kissing you for the last time.

I could never get enough of you, and I still couldn't.

But I'm tired. You're too lost in your own darkness to come back and save me.

You couldn't even save yourself, let alone me...

I just wish our story hadn't ended up like this.

Our story was beautiful(:so beautiful that it could give life, and somehow, it could give death too.

But I think the ending is going to be bitter.

It already is for me.

And I think it will be for you too...

Or maybe not.

But either way, I hope you never have to taste this kind of bitterness, no matter what...

People say having a vivid imagination is a gift.

But they never stop to think that maybe it's only a gift for someone who hasn't been consumed by the darkness.

Maybe it's only a gift for someone who's still standing in the light...

Someone who isn't lost.

Not for me.

Is it really a gift when I'm riding my motorcycle and I imagine you're sitting behind me, your arms wrapped around me, and I reach back with one hand just to hold yours?

Or when, at night, I can feel you sleeping in my arms... so vividly that I can't even fall into a deep sleep until morning?

Just the thought of you lying there beside me...yes, just the thought is enough to fill me with so much joy that sleep slips away from me.

Or when I start doubting my own ears...

What if I'm somehow in your mind?

What if, whenever you call my name in your thoughts, I can hear you too?

Is it possible for us to be miles apart...

and yet I still hear your voice?

Hear you calling my name?

Or even...

feel your smell?

Can that really happen?

Or maybe this is all just a nightmare...

Maybe the life I think is nothing but a delusion...

is actually the real one.

...Hmm?

People say having a vivid imagination is a gift.

But they never stop to think that maybe it's only a gift for someone who hasn't been consumed by the darkness.

Maybe it's only a gift for someone who's still standing in the light...

Someone who isn't lost.

Not for me.

Is it really a gift when I'm riding my motorcycle and I imagine you're sitting behind me, your arms wrapped around me, and I reach back with one hand just to hold yours?

Or when, at night, I can feel you sleeping in my arms... so vividly that I can't even fall into a deep sleep until morning?

Just the thought of you lying there beside me...yes, just the thought is enough to fill me with so much joy that sleep slips away from me.

Or when I start doubting my own ears...

What if I'm somehow in your mind?

What if, whenever you call my name in your thoughts, I can hear you too?

Is it possible for us to be miles apart...

and yet I still hear your voice?

Hear you calling my name?

Or even...

feel your smell?

Can that really happen?

Or maybe this is all just a nightmare...

Maybe the life I think is nothing but a delusion...

is actually the real one.

...Hmm?

Tonight, I saw the moon... I had gone to the beach.

I thought of you. I wanted to send you a picture of the moon and say, "I remember you loved the moon." But then I remembered... it doesn't matter to you anymore.

Yesterday, my cat was biting me... I thought of you.

I was reading a book... I thought of you.

I saw a text about eyes... I thought of you.

I saw coffee... I thought of you.

Some old classical music was playing... I thought of you.

I walked down the street we used to walk together... I thought of you.

Whenever I look at the sky, I think of you... because you loved the color blue.

Every time I want to buy something for myself, I think of you, and I wish you were here so I could buy it for you instead.

But it's such a shame you're not here...

It's such a shame that whenever the thought of you runs through my veins, there's nothing I can do except lie down and daydream about you.

Such a shame...(:

Tonight, I saw the moon... I had gone to the beach.

I thought of you. I wanted to send you a picture of the moon and say, "I remember you loved the moon." But then I remembered... it doesn't matter to you anymore.

Yesterday, my cat was biting me... I thought of you.

I was reading a book... I thought of you.

I saw a text about eyes... I thought of you.

I saw coffee... I thought of you.

Some old classical music was playing... I thought of you.

I walked down the street we used to walk together... I thought of you.

Whenever I look at the sky, I think of you... because you loved the color blue.

Every time I want to buy something for myself, I think of you, and I wish you were here so I could buy it for you instead.

But it's such a shame you're not here...

It's such a shame that whenever the thought of you runs through my veins, there's nothing I can do except lie down and daydream about you.

Such a shame...(:

Tonight, I saw the moon... I had gone to the beach.

I thought of you. I wanted to send you a picture of the moon and say, "I remember you loved the moon." But then I remembered... it doesn't matter to you anymore.

Yesterday, my cat was biting me... I thought of you.

I was reading a book... I thought of you.

I saw a text about eyes... I thought of you.

I saw coffee... I thought of you.

Some old classical music was playing... I thought of you.

I walked down the street we used to walk together... I thought of you.

Whenever I look at the sky, I think of you... because you loved the color blue.

Every time I want to buy something for myself, I think of you, and I wish you were here so I could buy it for you instead.

But it's such a shame you're not here...

It's such a shame that whenever the thought of you runs through my veins, there's nothing I can do except lie down and daydream about you.

Such a shame...(:

Tonight, I saw the moon... I had gone to the beach.

I thought of you. I wanted to send you a picture of the moon and say, "I remember you loved the moon." But then I remembered... it doesn't matter to you anymore.

Yesterday, my cat was biting me... I thought of you.

I was reading a book... I thought of you.

I saw a text about eyes... I thought of you.

I saw coffee... I thought of you.

Some old classical music was playing... I thought of you.

I walked down the street we used to walk together... I thought of you.

Whenever I look at the sky, I think of you... because you loved the color blue.

Every time I want to buy something for myself, I think of you, and I wish you were here so I could buy it for you instead.

But it's such a shame you're not here...

It's such a shame that whenever the thought of you runs through my veins, there's nothing I can do except lie down and daydream about you.

Such a shame...(:

My world has become empty of every feeling, just like your eyes near the end of our relationship.

What happened to my world? How did it end up like this?

And what happened to your eyes? How did they go from being so full of emotion... to completely empty?

What happened to the world that used to be filled with excitement, joy, and dreams? How did it become so meaningless?

What happened to those eyes that were once full of love? How did they become eyes I couldn't even find a single glance in anymore?

What happened to the world that still looked beautiful to me, even on my worst days? Why does it feel like the worst place now, even on my best days?

What happened to those eyes that were the first thing I'd look for when everything was falling apart? How did they become the eyes I can't even see anymore... not even in my happiest moments?

You tell me.

What happened to all those nights we stayed awake, doing nothing but getting lost in each other's eyes for minutes?

Do you think my world was tied to your eyes?

I don't know.

My world has become empty of every feeling, just like your eyes near the end of our relationship.

What happened to my world? How did it end up like this?

And what happened to your eyes? How did they go from being so full of emotion... to completely empty?

What happened to the world that used to be filled with excitement, joy, and dreams? How did it become so meaningless?

What happened to those eyes that were once full of love? How did they become eyes I couldn't even find a single glance in anymore?

What happened to the world that still looked beautiful to me, even on my worst days? Why does it feel like the worst place now, even on my best days?

What happened to those eyes that were the first thing I'd look for when everything was falling apart? How did they become the eyes I can't even see anymore... not even in my happiest moments?

You tell me.

What happened to all those nights we stayed awake, doing nothing but getting lost in each other's eyes for minutes?

Do you think my world was tied to your eyes?

I don't know.

Now, it is too late.

I should have done something before the world and everything in it became meaningless to me.

Now, nothing brings me any excitement anymore.

Where is the person who used to make plans for the next ten years? What happened? Where did that person go? When did I become this person, the one who cannot even make plans for the next hour?

I wish I had remained that thoughtless, inconsiderate person.

The one who could never understand how someone could lose the desire to keep trying.

I wish I had stayed that person.

They say hardship and experience are necessary in life. I know they are. But I have just one question.

Was it worth it?

Was this lesson, this experience, really worth life losing its meaning? Was it worth falling into this emptiness?

Shouldn't this experience have led only to growth, instead of meaninglessness?

I really wanted to hold on to the false, empty hope you kept giving me.

I wanted to believe it. I wanted to feel alive again, to feel life again, to truly live my life again...

But, my dear, I know it's impossible.

I know that's what you do(:You make me feel alive again, only to crush my heart in your hand. You give me hope, only to take it away from me.

So I've decided to be hopeless. Not just about you, but about everything, because you were everything to me.

So I'll keep going without hope, without expectations.

Because, my dear, it hurts less this way.

It's easier to surrender myself to the current of life.

Where that current will take me, I don't know. And honestly, it doesn't even matter anymore.

I've simply surrendered myself to it.

I really wanted to hold on to the false, empty hope you kept giving me.

I wanted to believe it. I wanted to feel alive again, to feel life again, to truly live my life again...

But, my dear, I know it's impossible.

I know that's what you do(:You make me feel alive again, only to crush my heart in your hand. You give me hope, only to take it away from me.

So I've decided to be hopeless. Not just about you, but about everything, because you were everything to me.

So I'll keep going without hope, without expectations.

Because, my dear, it hurts less this way.

It's easier to surrender myself to the current of life.

Where that current will take me, I don't know. And honestly, it doesn't even matter anymore.

I've simply surrendered myself to it.

I don't think even your coming back could save me anymore.

I still need you, but I need the first version of you.

Not the person you became later, because I don't have the strength left for that.

I'm tired.

Tired of trying so hard for you.

Tired of fighting to be your priority.

Tired of wishing I could be the center of your world.

Tired of always being the one who reached out.

Tired of being willing to give you my whole heart while I wasn't even a small part of yours.

I still need you, but I need all of your heart, not just your presence.

I need you because you were the only person who ever made me believe love could feel like home.

Maybe you'll ask, "Why me?"

Because I don't have the energy or the desire to get to know someone new.

Unlike you.

But I don't think that's possible anymore.

I don't think I'll ever get to experience the first version of you again.

I think that version is gone.

You've already moved on with your life.

But I guess it doesn't really matter. When you're the one who's leaving, nothing else seems to matter anymore.

I just never wanted us to end like this.

What we had was so much more beautiful than this(:

It was beautiful enough to make me want to live again(:

I don't think even your coming back could save me anymore.

I still need you, but I need the first version of you.

Not the person you became later, because I don't have the strength left for that.

I'm tired.

Tired of trying so hard for you.

Tired of fighting to be your priority.

Tired of wishing I could be the center of your world.

Tired of always being the one who reached out.

Tired of being willing to give you my whole heart while I wasn't even a small part of yours.

I still need you, but I need all of your heart, not just your presence.

I need you because you were the only person who ever made me believe love could feel like home.

Maybe you'll ask, "Why me?"

Because I don't have the energy or the desire to get to know someone new.

Unlike you.

But I don't think that's possible anymore.

I don't think I'll ever get to experience the first version of you again.

I think that version is gone.

You've already moved on with your life.

But I guess it doesn't really matter. When you're the one who's leaving, nothing else seems to matter anymore.

I just never wanted us to end like this.

What we had was so much more beautiful than this(:

It was beautiful enough to make me want to live again(:

I'm sorry that I have to leave.

I'm sorry if after I'm gone, you'll think I made a selfish choice.

I know we had planned our future together. I know we were going to travel, move to another city, and even immigrate to another country. I know this may seem selfish, but I'm sorry. I just don't have the strength or energy left to keep fighting my own thoughts.

I hope you'll one day make all those plans we dreamed of come true with someone else.

I hope you remember that your happiness was always my happiness(:

I hope you remember that I always did everything I could to make you feel better, so now it's your turn to do everything you can to keep yourself well.

I know it won't be easy, but you're stronger than I am. You've survived things I couldn't, so I believe you'll survive this too.

Take good care of yourself.

I hope that one day you'll fall asleep beside the life you've always dreamed of, my dear(:

My dear, I think our worlds were fundamentally different.

I built my world around you, but you had a world of your own, a world where you found your sense of self through other people.

To me, you were the sun. When you were there, every part of me felt warm, and life flowed through my veins. When you were gone, my world froze, and it felt like life itself had disappeared.

But what was I in your world?

Apparently, nothing more than an ordinary person(:someone whose presence was nice, but whose absence only made things a little more boring.

So... who is the lucky person who's the sun in your world?

I want to know. I want to ask them what they did that made you truly see them, because no matter what I did, it felt like you never really saw me.

What did they have that I didn't? What was so special about them?

I was always there whenever you were hurting. Not because I had to, and not because I expected anything in return, but because I loved you. I just wanted to be by your side. I would've given my life if it meant seeing you happy(:

So how did I become someone you took for granted?

What happened to us?