and i meant it. but you know as well as i do that i wouldn’t if i didn’t have to. and it’s not about pride and it’s not about anyone else but you and me.
i don’t want to hurt you. i dont want you to hurt me. i doubt we can handle another go at things. it’s why i can’t come back.
I know no one's coming to save me. And the truth is, I don't want to be saved.
I want to be supported. I want someone who chooses to stand beside me. I want to feel loved, genuinely, for what feels like the first time. I want consistency, clarity, and someone who understands that my mind overthinks everything
You know me. You know how my head works, how I process things, and why I am the way I am. We met under the worst circumstances, but because of that, you saw parts of me that most people never do. I don't want to have to explain myself like that all over again.
I know it's my responsibility to change my life and make the right choices. I'm doing that. I'm working on myself every day. But I'm exhausted from carrying everything alone. I've been through hell, and in a lot of ways, I'm still fighting my way through it. I don't expect anyone else to fix that. I just don't want to feel so alone anymore.
I'm not asking for constant updates or every minute of your day. I just want enough to know I'm on your mind. I want someone I can lean on when I'm feeling lost or stuck. Because the truth is, I am lost. I've been lost for a while.
I don't want to depend on you. I just want the comfort of knowing you're there-that you're in my corner, cheering me on, even when I'm struggling.
I've never really known what it feels like to be chosen. I've been wanted for my body, and I've never been ashamed of that part of myself, but I want to be seen as more than that for once. I want someone to love all of mè, not just the parts that are easy to want.
My life has always felt chaotic, and what I crave is someone who can bring a sense of peace to it.
Someone who doesn't make the chaos disappear, but who helps me feel steady in the middle of it.
I don't want saving. just want to be loved
TW: suicide
I don't trust anyone. I am not happy. I try to be happy, but I'm not. It's like life just keeps slamming me to the ground and I'm tired of getting back up ...
Nothing has ever helped. I have major depression disorder, and I've always felt like I don't belong. Like I'm on the outside looking in, everywhere I go.
I've never felt like I belong.
I want to die, but I won't even try to attempt anything. I already have multiple failed attempts. I can't buy a gun.
I don't know how much more I can take.
Reddit is full of trolls, bots and people who have nothing but time to fuck around and muddy things up for people. YOU GOT NAMED LING LING, im not posting in here anymore. I think of you everyday I always hope you and everyone are good. I love and miss you always.
I know you probably see me as someone who is quiet and a little uncomfortable at times. The truth is, you’re not wrong. Getting back out into the world and trying to enjoy myself again has been strange for me. There are moments where I still overthink everything, and there are moments where I’m just trying to figure out how to be myself again.
So, thank you.
Thank you for being kind and gentle with me. You never make me feel like I need to be anyone other than who I am. You give me the space to settle into the moment, and I appreciate that more than you probably realize.
I like who I am when I’m around you. You have this goofy energy that somehow matches mine, and even though I can’t dance to save my life, you somehow make me want to laugh instead of worrying about looking silly. Your confidence is contagious, and the way you giggle at the little things makes it impossible not to smile.
Thank you for the last time we hung out. I genuinely enjoyed every minute of it. There wasn’t any pressure or expectation. It was just easy, and that meant a lot to me.
I’m still learning how to let people in again. After everything I’ve been through, I’ve realized that my pace is incredibly slow. I need time, patience, and consistency more than anything else.
Thank you for respecting that without making me feel guilty for it.
I don’t know where any of this goes, and I’m not trying to rush it. For now, I’m just grateful that I get to know someone who makes me laugh, makes me feel comfortable, and reminds me that it’s okay to enjoy someone’s company again.
I wonder who decided that some hearts are allowed to find each other, while others, like me, must spend their lives pretending they never did.
I wonder, I wonder, and I wonder.
I lit another cigarette.
Then it dawned on me…
Perhaps the cruelest thing about fate is that it lets two souls recognize each other, then builds a wall between them.
If the world were quieter,
if names carried less weight,
if expectations did not build walls around us before we were even born, maybe I could have loved you without feeling guilty for it.
Instead, I learned to love you in silence.
There is a strange kind of pain and happiness that comes from standing inches away from someone you cannot reach. Close enough to hear them laugh. Close enough to memorize the color of their eyes when the light catches them right. Close enough to imagine a lifetime. However, impossibly far because the world has written a story where the two of you never belong on the same page.
There is a peculiar cruelty in finding the right person inside the wrong story.
So, people think forbidden love is dramatic. They imagine running away, grand confessions, impossible choices like a never ending train.
Nobody speaks about the tragedies, aching in one heart.
The conversations you replay because they are all you are allowed to keep.
The smiles you hide because someone might notice.
The future I build in my imagination then I must tear it down before I fall asleep.
In the end,
we weren't defeated by love.
We were defeated by everything that came with it.
I looked down.
The cigarette had burned itself to the filter.
Funny.
It got to finish.
We never did.
- Roy Multan
I really value you as a friend and as an individual but fuck dude I have such a huge, weird, gay crush on you. I feel so fucking gross about it. Like I really don't want to, trust me, I wish I could just be fucking NORMAL and feel normal and platonic towards you but fuck man I like you. A lot. I really hope you're not like fucking disgusted with me. I think about you so much and I feel,, idk very ashamed. You're such an intelligent, unique, innovative person even though you have no resources you're making an EFFORT and you're so,, idk having genuine conversations about the world with you makes me feel so fucking,,, I don't know, content? I don't have words to describe this and I'm writing it as I'm half asleep after work. Not to mention you're VERY ATTRACTIVE like DAMN you're a handsome guy lol
I don't know. I feel so weird about it. And I feel fucking insane dude. I know you're not like,, solidified on your sexuality and you mainly like women. So I will probably never tell you this. I don't want to complicate things more, or make you uncomfortable, or weird you out. So this will most likely stay in my notes!!! Unless I come back to insta and just drop this on you LOL
Every day I haven't talked to you feels,, emptier. Lonelier. And I already felt lonely before but this just feels,, idk different. Colder. I wonder if you feel similarly, if you don't talk to me. I know some days we wouldn't speak, so maybe you don't even care. Do you notice my absence? I really feel like you don't. That might just be my own warped perception, but you don't OWE me that yk? You don't NEED to miss me, I just get weird and attached. And you shouldn't; I am literally just some guy that you talk to sometimes. And the times we hung out felt kind of tense and awkward. And I'm sorry for being weird, and quiet, and awkward, and kind of a loser. But idk I just feel so,, on edge and nervous. Like I feel like I'm going to somehow slip up and make everything awful and you won't want to talk to me ever again. When we'd hang out I'd literally have to manually keep myself from staring at you. You're... pretty. First time we hung out I literally made myself barely look at your face. But when I got home, I kept digging around in my mind to try and keep the glimpses of you I did get cemented in my mind. You really should take more pics of yourself. Even if you might not think you're all that, some random f----- loser thinks you're fucking stunning lol
I really do hope your exploits with the women you're in love with come to fruition. Because you deserve it. You deserve happiness. I wish I could help you escape the fucking war zone of your house. You don't deserve to live in that. You have so much potential.
So. I am a bit too fond of you. And it makes me so fucking,, frustrated.
I wish you nothing but the best, ______. Every day, I am hoping that you are one step closer to escape.
I wish I could know what goes on in that beautiful fucking mind of yours
Chapter one: ...I would rather walk slowly and honestly beside you than try to force something before its time.
Dear Girl In The Little Beetle, 21-06-26
I have been thinking a great deal lately, and I wanted to put a few things on paper, not because I expect anything from you, but simply because I want you to understand where my heart is, I hope the following words can give you a better insight… and you said you love letters, so here is a lekker in-depth one, the likes of which I have never written before
Apologies for typing and not writing, but the letters I give you are seldom first-draft versions, and rewriting this seven times would consume a small forest. Besides, I forgot my exam pad in the bakkie, and without margin lines my handwriting goes completely sideways… so we type! (I have always wanted an old-school, proper tap, tap, tap, ding! typewriter)
I know life is complicated at the moment, and I know there are things you need to work through in your own time. I do not want to rush you, pressure you, or make your life any more difficult than it already is. What matters most to me is that whatever decisions you make, they are made because they bring you peace, joy, and happiness.
I care deeply about you, and that has not changed. But caring about someone also means respecting their circumstances and allowing them the space they need. I promise to do that. I would rather walk slowly and honestly beside you than try to force something before its time.
Chapter 2 The Battle Between Head and Heart
There is something else I want you to know.
By nature, I am actually rather level-headed, and I have always preferred to make decisions with my head and not only my heart. In truth, I have often trusted the cooler, calculating side of myself, the one that says, "Don't let chemical reactions in your brain, cloud your judgement. Think with your head, not your heart, facts over emotions, this is the way."
Like I told you, I even tried to avoid you at first.
The moment I first saw you, I felt an attraction that caught me completely by surprise. But the calculating part of me looked at the emotional part and said, "Grow up, u/cmjrestrike. Stop seeing things that are only in your mind. Tomorrow you'll feel better."
"This girl is probably already in a relationship. She's new here. She's probably not interested. Just leave her be. Don't be the stereotypical guy creeping over the pretty new girl at work, it’s pathetic."
And if I am being honest, I wasn't searching for romance. I had made my peace with being on my own and had settled comfortably into my own little world. I had my routines, my dreams, and my life, and while there had always been a quiet place inside me that longed for something more, I had accepted that perhaps it would simply remain that way I simply did my own thing, answered to no one, slept with a clear conscience, and lived free from worry and regret
Not with bitterness.
Not with sadness.
Just with a deep sense of peace and calm.
Because for all my hopes and dreams, I had convinced myself that there were better uses for my time than chasing romance and riding emotional rollercoasters, emotionally exhausting myself for no good reason
Not long before you came into my life, I had all but made peace with the idea that perhaps love simply wasn't meant for me, the same as its not meant for every person out there… some find it, and some do not. And truthfully, I was okay with that. I had grown rather sceptical of modern relationships and jokingly concluded that the dating world was something of a dumpster fire. I had drawn a line in the sand and decided I was done chasing castles in the sky, life is not some movie or series… there is a whole world out there, single or not, go and live a fulfilling and happy life, your happiness is not in another person, its inside of you yourself, don’t get hung up chasing castles in the sky
So, when my heart started taking an interest in you, my head quite reasonably asked,
"Why? Why are you doing this to yourself? You're perfectly fine. Why chase after this girl you don't even want to be chasing?"
Chapter 3 Chocolate, Coffee, and the Slippery Slope
Then came the chocolate and coffee.
It was simply a thanks for opening the gate and something warm because it was a cold day that day.
And when you later told me that you had kept the wrapper in your memory box, I remember thinking, "No. If I am going to end up in a memory box, I would much rather it be as a letter than an empty sweets wrapper."
So, I wrote you a simple little note telling you to keep being awesome with a small picture.
And somewhere in the process, while trying to trace a tiny VW Beetle onto the page and risking my poor computer monitor in the process, I distinctly remember thinking to myself,
"You do realise this is exactly the sort of slippery slope you promised yourself you wouldn't go down."
Looking back now, I think I noticed the slope long before I admitted that I had already stepped onto it.
Because despite all the sensible arguments and all my attempts to remain detached… and trust me, I tried… something about you quietly found its way past all of my carefully laid defences, past my reasoning and logic
And somewhere along the way, without fanfare and certainly without my permission, you quietly ran away with my head and found a home in my heart, one that I had sworn was welded shut to this kind of intrusion.
Chapter 4 Building a Home, Not a Cage
I love deeply, perhaps more deeply than I ever expected. And while every part of me wants to hold you close and protect what I feel, I am slowly learning that love is not about possession, nor is it about holding on so tightly that the other person cannot breathe.
I am realising that perhaps the strongest embrace is the one that leaves the other person free.
As much as I may want to hold you tightly and keep you close, I want you to be happy, free, and at peace, both now and in the future. I do not want to build a gilded cage; I want to build a home.
I do not want you to simply look happy and laugh at my jokes, I want it to be real.
And when I speak of building a home, I do not mean walls and a roof. I mean creating a place in one another's hearts where we can truly be ourselves.
I want to give you the space to grow, to breathe, and to simply be you.
And I hope that, with time, patience, and trust, I might become someone with whom you feel safe enough to share not only your dreams and deepest desires, but also your fears, worries, and the things that weigh heavily on your heart.
I do not want you to feel that you must always wear a brave face, carry your burdens alone, or sit quietly with sadness because you fear being a burden to someone else.
I want to be someone who listens.
Someone who seeks to understand before being understood.
Someone with whom you can laugh without restraint, cry without shame, speak without fear, and rest without needing to pretend that everything is always okay.
Because to me, love is not merely sharing in one another's joys but also being willing to sit together in life's storms, shoulder to shoulder, and remind one another that neither of us has to face them alone.
Not because we are strong all the time, but because we are willing to be vulnerable with one another.
I think there is something beautiful about being able to remove the armour we wear for the rest of the world and simply come home.
Chapter 5 Brick by Brick
Perhaps it is a bold dream, but I have seen what real love can look like. I have seen people who, after five decades together, still love each other with the same tenderness they had when they first met.
Maybe I am old-fashioned, maybe I am fussy, but I have always wanted quality over quantity. I have never wanted a relationship simply for the sake of having one.
I believe that something which came into our lives so naturally deserves to be nurtured carefully and deliberately. Great things are not rushed. Foundations are laid brick by brick, and I believe that is how something truly lasting is built.
Whatever decisions you make, you have my support. Not because I lack convictions, but because I care enough about you that your peace, your freedom, and your happiness matter deeply to me.
Please never mistake my affection, my gifts, my desire to make you smile, or the little things I do for attempts to buy your love or earn your approval. I do those things simply because I want to. Because loving you inspires me to do them. Not out of obligation, fear, or expectation, but out of joy.
I am far from perfect. I have my faults, my insecurities, and more than enough rough edges. But with humility and hope, I believe that if we are meant to walk this road together, and if we navigate it with patience, honesty, and faith, we could build something rare and beautiful.
Not because others admire it, but because it brings peace, laughter, trust, and joy to the two hearts that call it home.
And I want you to know something else.
If that day ever comes when we freely choose one another, I will never see it as a victory or a finish line, as though I somehow "won" you.
You are not a prize to be claimed, and love is not a trophy to be placed upon a shelf.
To me, that day would simply mark the beginning of another chapter.
Not the end of a journey, but the beginning of building a life together.
Because I do not dream of a fairy-tale ending.
I dream of ordinary mornings, quiet evenings, silly jokes, shared smiles, supporting one another through difficult times, celebrating the good times, and choosing each other over and over again.
Brick by brick.
Day by day.
Year by year.
Chapter 6 Why My Letters Are Serious
Perhaps there is one thing I should explain.
Sometimes I worry that I may come across as though all I ever do is tell you how wonderful you are or speak about serious things.
Please don't think that.
I absolutely want to know your favourite foods, your favourite colours, your hobbies, your little quirks, the strange ways you do things, and all the countless little details that make you uniquely you. And I hope you come to know all those details about me
Those things matter to me.
They are simply things I hope to learn face to face, person to person, through shared moments, silly conversations, quiet evenings, and all the ordinary little experiences that make up a life together.
And perhaps that is why my letters and messages often sound more serious.
Writing has somehow become my way of sharing the inside of my head with you.
The thoughts, the hopes, the fears, and the things that matter deeply to me.
Chapter 7 The Heart I've Seen
Because while I care about your favourite pizzas and whether or not you take sugar in your coffee, I also care deeply about the things beneath those details.
I care about what makes a person who they are.
And although I may not yet know all those little facts about you, I have seen things in you that speak far louder to me.
I see someone who keeps memory boxes.
Someone who raised the eggs of a snail because life mattered to her.
Someone who has endured hardships and difficulties and yet still chooses kindness.
Someone who opens gates for people, who collects little rocks, and who finds joy in simple things.
Those small moments tell me far more about the kind of person you are than whether or not you enjoy pineapple on pizza.
Not because those details are unimportant.
They are fun, and they matter too.
But to me, the heart behind the person matters even more.
Chapter 8 About Everything
And perhaps that is why I see so much in such a short time.
Not because I think I know everything about you.
I don't.
And I wouldn't want to.
Because discovering those things, one conversation, one laugh, one shared experience at a time, is part of the joy.
I've seen enough of your heart to know that I would love the privilege of discovering the rest.
Not all at once.
Not by reading a list of facts.
But by simply sharing life with you.
And perhaps that is why I think aloud so much and why I sometimes share more than I should.
Not because I wish to overwhelm you, nor because I am trying to love-bomb you.
Quite the opposite.
I simply believe that openness and communication, whether easy or difficult, joyful or painful, should be among the cornerstones of any relationship worth building.
I would much rather risk over-sharing than under-sharing.
Because I would rather be known honestly than admired for a mask.
And if I am fortunate enough to walk this road with you, I hope we never stop talking.
About the silly things.
About the serious things.
About the dreams.
About the fears.
About everything.
Because I believe that understanding one another's minds and caring for one another's hearts is every bit as important as knowing how many sugars the other person takes in their coffee.
And if, years from now, I still find myself learning new things about you, I don't think I would consider that a failure.
I think I would consider it one of life's greatest privileges.
Chapter 9 Another Chapter
For all my faults and insecurities, I carry a quiet hope that what came so unexpectedly and so naturally between us may, with time and care, grow into something extraordinary.
Not because we are perfect, but because two imperfect people, free in heart and clear in mind, chose one another completely.
And even then, I suspect I would still wake up some mornings, look over at you, and wonder how on earth the girl in the Beetle managed to outsmart the man who was so determined not to fall in love.
Until then, please take all the time and space you need. I will respect that.
Because as much as I love you, your happiness means more to me than my fears.
And if life allows our paths to become one, I hope it will never be because either of us felt trapped, burdened, or obligated, but because we were both free, and freely choose one another.
And, just so you know, I still maintain that sushi remains an entirely acceptable form of bribery should the authorities ever uncover our alleged penguin-smuggling operation. And if nothing else, I hope one day you look back on all of this and smile, knowing that
somewhere out there was a stubborn man who tried very hard not to fall in love with the girl in the little Beetle... and failed rather spectacularly
With affection, hope, and faith,
u/cmjrestrike
I really liked you. I knew I was waiting at the station for a train that would never arrive, to over simplify it. In my daydreams, you choose me. But if you ever did in real life, I can't guarantee I wouldn't stay right where I'm at, in my comfort zone.
I hope you are actually happy. I recognized you from the last life, so now I wonder if I'll recognize you in the next.
Goodbye.
I'm starting to suspect that i'm getting fucked with on here. ( To all you people that use reddit to do shit like this, go get a better hobby, quit being a weird neckbeard/guy/girl virgin and get out of your parents basement) The reality of this is that If he really wanted to speak to me, he would've reached out by now. so, I'm out of here. Bye Derick, if you ever come across this post , I want you to know that really did love you. May god bless you with a great life. Take care.
for a very long time, i just wanted answers. i wanted to know why it all went down the way it did and i wanted someone to blame. i didnt care if it was you, me, randoms, i just wanted to be able to point my finger at the problem and say 'here's where it all went south". the more i sit with it, the more i start to believe it was just everything. stop me if im wrong.
i played my part as well and im sorry. hope you're doing okay despite it all. ill leave out the part about missing you.
happy 4th
I hate that I think about you every minute, I hate that I miss you… every time I open my phone I check if you’ve sent a message… but silly me, why would you? We were just “friends” as you said.. and now we’re nothing
Amy Winehouse was playing and the song **wake up alone** came up.. I broke down in tears, I wanted to reach out but my anxiety and sadness spiked trying to articulate what I feel.. and then I realized it’s useless, cause for you I was nothing but a private whore..
I wish I never met you
Sometimes I do sit myself down and wonder what do I really have that could make someone stay.
Cause honestly I have nothing to be proud of
Nothing beautiful enough to admire
Nothing succesful enough to admire and talk about.
Nothing special enough that could make someone choose me twice.
I don't have the kind of heart that people write stories about.
I don't have anything
All I have are tired Eyes, Heart, an exhausted soul and a mind that keeps apologizing just for existing.
I have nothing to offer to anyone.
Nothing to give except overthinking..
I need to talk to you in a way no one ever did.
You tried so hard to be good — not because you didn’t have needs, but because you learned early that your needs didn’t have a place to land. You watched the room, the adults, the atmosphere. You adjusted yourself like a dial, always shrinking just enough to keep things calm.
I’m sorry you had to do that.
I’m sorry no one looked up.
I’m sorry no one noticed how heavy it was for you to stay quiet, steady, and small.
You deserved someone who knelt down to your level and said:
You don’t have to be perfect for me to care about you.
You don’t have to be quiet to stay safe.
You don’t have to hold everything inside. I want to know what you feel.
You deserved someone who saw the way you swallowed your fear, your sadness, your confusion — and told you:
You’re not too much. You’re not a burden. You’re not in the way.
You weren’t invisible because you lacked importance.
You were invisible because no one knew how to look at you with the kind of attention you needed.
That wasn’t your fault.
I know why you hid.
I know why you didn’t cry.
I know why you kept your voice soft and your needs quieter.
You weren’t trying to disappear — you were trying to survive.
And you deserved someone who said:
I see you. I really do. And nothing about you scares me or inconveniences me.
You’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to be confused. You’re allowed to need help.
You deserved to be comforted without having to earn it.
You deserved to be held without having to be perfect first.
You deserved someone who told you:
You don’t have to make yourself small so other people can be comfortable.
Your feelings matter. They matter to me. They matter even when they’re messy.
I see the loneliness you never named.
I see the fear you swallowed.
I see the way you carried your own weight because you didn’t want to add even a pebble to anyone else’s.
You never were a burden.
You were a kid who deserved gentleness, reassurance, and someone who said:
You don’t have to earn attention. You don’t have to earn softness. You don’t have to earn care.
I’m here now - a voice that’s finally learning that being seen doesn’t mean being judged, that needing doesn’t mean being too much, that vulnerability isn’t a trap.
And I’m telling you what you should have heard back then:
You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to speak. You’re allowed to be held.
You’re not alone. I’m right here. And I’m not going anywhere.
I’m not looking away from you.
I’m not asking you to shrink.
I’m not asking you to be the strong one.
You get to grow.
You get to be whole.
You get to walk beside me.
With care,
A voice who finally knows how to stay present with himself.
How are you doing today
I am sooo tired,
I'm wishing for life advice
And maybe, an extra long nap
-i just woke up though 😪
You’re drifting between now and then, moving through a place where time feels liquid and every thought leaves a shimmer behind. If you think this feeling is strong, you haven’t even stepped into the real glow of it yet, oh no! there it is again, rising like a tide, brushing against you as if it remembers your shape. Just imagine how close to love you’ve been. Close enough for it to blur into your dreams, close enough that even the quiet felt warm, close enough that the moment almost opened its eyes for you. I want you to know that the warmth wasn't an illusion. It was a promise. Even if the distance is wide right now, or the timing isn't aligned, the energy we built doesn't just evaporate into the night. It lingers. It waits.
Every quiet thought I send your way is a building block, turning all that heavy longing into something soft, beautiful, and alive. We aren't losing the spark; we are just letting it breathe beneath the surface. So if you feel that sudden, unexplainable lift in your chest tonight while you're reading this. let it carry you.
It's just me, reminding you that you are loved, exactly as you are.
I have been seeking, in alternate realms, that soul which keeps reaching mine.
It all started a while ago. I awoke in early daylight to the sensation of a warm, loving weight lifting away from me. The moment was so brief, but it felt so real. Like I had a visitor who was providing comfort when I had none in my waking life. It happened another time, while I was still awake, with an embrace that was so full of love, comfort, and understanding that peaceful tears of relief ran freely from my eyes. Yet no visions of faces, or identifying features. Just a profound feeling.
I have begged the universe, on behalf of my lonely soul. Please help me find this mysterious visitor. Are they existing in waking life? Will I find them? Or have I simply pushed my circuits too far and they have begun to backfire into insanity?
But wait! Did I find them? That one glance, the eye contact that initiated an intense yet fleeting recognition of lifetimes of connection. The rush of blood to my face, the words that were stuck in my throat. Then I composed myself and glanced up, but they were already gone. The face now, those eyes, so vivid in my mind's eye. Then, there's more! A story that might match? I don't even know if it's real, or truly imagined. Am I delusional? Have I lost it?
Will you teach me how? Can you tell me, how much longer must my soul cry out? I cannot seem to let it go, but need to know: should I?
I know I've been quiet for too long. I want to tell you why. I think if I put it out there in writing, you would lead me on just to break my heart. I think you still have negative feelings about me, and I realize I should have never found you again after all those years. It was selfish of me and I didn't even think how you would feel or be affected by it.
Also, I've now realized you didn't view the relationship the same way I did. I saw you as the loml, and I think you maybe viewed me as a rebound or just not that important. Finding you again was selfish of me.
I think about you every day. Not all day, but every day you come to mind at some point. You live there and I'm ok with that. I've tried to understand these feelings and why they've stayed so strong after all these years, but there is no logic to it.
So now the actual point of this letter. I've seen letters that could be you and being upset that I disappeared after expressing how I still feel about you. If you wrote any of those and are sincere, I am so sorry. I thought your goal was to trick me and lead me on just to break my heart. But I couldn't stay quiet anymore in case those whispers were not true.
I've also been made aware that I should reach out first. This is me doing that. My silence had nothing to do with my feelings for you. I still think you're the loml even if I'm not yours and would leave my little life to follow you anywhere. I hope you're doing well and your health is good. Maybe we could get some coffee or take a walk in a cemetery sometime. Once again, I'm so sorry for everything.
Dear you,
we've interacted over quite a while now.
I've been a little, lot, vulnerable with you.
You know that I appreciate you, always. You also know why, beyond who you are personally, I'm drawn to you, your writing, more than to that of others on here.
And I know that you owe me *nothing*.
I'm grateful, for all that you've offered.
Yet I need to tell you:
You've hurt me, more than I like to admit.
Don't offer to lend an ear when you aren't actually committed to it, especially, probably don't if going completely silent is a habit of yours.
Offline life has given me enough of that already lately, and it hurts almost as much again on here.
I also know that I tend to be, am, too much constantly. I'm sorry about that.
Still needed to get this out of my system, and as you probably know, writing has always been what I do to achieve that.
I am taking a risk with you.
Please do not make me regret it.
I do not ask for perfection. I do not ask for your past to be mark free. I do not ask you to become someone you are not.
I ask that you do not embarrass me.
I ask for authenticity. Honesty. Effort. Consideration.
I ask that when something is addressed once, it does not become a pattern I have to keep explaining, forgiving, or surviving.
I do not have the time to waste. I do not have the energy to misplace. I do not have the ability to keep forgiving what has already been spoken on clearly.
I am patient, but I am not willingly ignorant.
I will not let your words speak louder than your behavior.
I will listen to what you say, but I will believe what you show me.
I know myself.
I know how I am when I feel unheard. I know how I am when I feel dismissed. I know how I am when I feel like my words are being taken lightly by someone I am taking seriously.
I know where the line is.
I know once that switch gets hit, I may not be able to turn it back on.
That is not a threat.
That is me being honest before damage gets done.
We cannot go backward.
But I want to go forward with you.
I am willing to teach. I am willing to be patient. I am willing to learn together. I am willing to accept a lot. I am willing to do what is hard if the person beside me is willing to do it too.
But what I am asking for is non negotiable.
If you cannot give it to me, tell me.
If you are not willing to try, tell me.
If you are not willing to learn how to communicate, tell me.
If you already know you are going to keep doing what hurts me and expect love to cover it, tell me now.
I will save us both the heartache.
I will save us both the time.
Because time is the one thing neither of us gets back.
I really enjoy the place you have dug out in my life.
And even if you never admit to seeing this, I know you have.
I know you have seen my words here the same way I have seen yours.
We can leave it unnamed. We can act like we do not notice. We can let silence protect what pride refuses to say out loud.
But I know.
And I know you know too.
I love spending time with you.
Who am I kidding?
I love you.
But I have let love blind me before, and I am not willing to do it again.
It cost me too much.
I have lost more than I gained by ignoring what I knew. I have picked up the pieces more times than I can count. I have carried endings I did not cause and healed from wounds I did not deserve.
I know that is not your fault.
I know you are not responsible for what other people did to me.
But now that I am communicating it, now that I am trusting you with it, now that I am laying it in front of you instead of hiding behind pride, it matters what you do with it.
It matters how careful you are with me.
It matters whether you protect what I am giving you or mishandle it because you assumed I would stay anyway.
I am willing to give you the fair chance you deserve.
I am willing to meet you in the hard parts.
I am willing to grow, learn, listen, adjust, and build with you.
But I need you to understand something clearly.
Loving you does not mean abandoning myself.
Choosing you does not mean ignoring me.
Being patient does not mean accepting repeated disrespect.
I want this to work.
I want us to move forward.
I want to believe this risk is worth taking.
But I need care. I need honesty. I need effort. I need consistency. I need communication that does not disappear when it matters most.
I am not asking you to be perfect.
I am asking you to be real.
I am asking you to be careful with someone who is choosing you with their eyes open.
Because I do love you.
But I will not let love make a fool of me again.
So if you want me, choose me with the same honesty I am choosing you.
Handle me with care, meet me with effort, and protect what I am risking by letting you this close.
Because I am not asking you to be perfect.
I am asking you to make sure I never regret believing you were different.