r/letters

(Should I tell him this?))

I want to tell you that I never thought I’d feel this way again.

I feel like my past experiences made me never want to be in a relationship, have a boyfriend, or feel feelings. I really didn’t think it was possible to feel what I feel currently. I thought I was broken. I thought being alone would be better and safe.

My past really painted a picture that it’s not worth it. My past was rooted like a tree. My past was and is horrific. You don’t know it, but I’ll tell you.

My first boyfriend tried to kill himself when I wanted to exit the relationship. I never thought that would affect me until now that I’m older,it did, psychologically.

The second person I loved hurt me mentally and physically, and I had a kid with him. There are three memories that will forever be implanted in my head.

The time he poured the dog water on my head and spit in my face when I was holding our child.

The time I woke up from not being able to breathe because he was on top of me, strangling me with his hands wrapped around my neck while I was sleeping. I was so scared I peed the bed.

And the time he held a shotgun to my pregnant belly.

He did a number on me, and even cheated saying it’s because of me. Trust is nonexistent in my world.

I have never told anyone this before. And since this is in my unsent notes, I'm not sure if I ever will…

But I never thought I’d be here today with these feelings. I thought I was forever jaded.

Believe me when I tell you it took time. Time for me to recognize that toxic behaviors I thought were communication isn’t normal. After dating the last person after my abuse, I really thought my brain was messed up. My pattern was to immediately avoid, stay silent, or communicate toxically because I thought it was the way.

So again I say, I can’t believe I’m here feeling how I feel with you. You bring so much peace, I'm scared to let you in. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm trying to reprogram still. Know I’m trying to push my past experiences away and not judge or have redetermination.

I want to believe we are real, but I’m so fucking terrified it’s not. But I know it’s real. I feel it. I feel myself breaking my boundaries that I built as high walls around my heart.

I appreciate everything you do, even the small stuff that you probably don’t even know you’re doing.

I get lost in our own world, but the good lost, that I don’t ever want to touch back down to earth…..

I feel, and I’m feeling. A place I never thought I would be again……

You might just be the one.

The one…..

The one for me…..

I love you too🩷

for me

love is war.

it is not a simple affair,

matter of coming together and everything just working out.

Yes, an alliance can form easily, but make no mistake-

it is war.

And in war everyone needs an ally.

You see the battle in love is not a battle with one another.

despite what the spies are whispering in your ears.

I don't need to put my blade against your throat.

I don't need to take away your armor and leave you to walk in the mud.

I need to tear them apart with you.

The things you point at and call enemies, i call enemies too.

It's easy to be afraid in war.

Danger is everywhere.

and with blood in your eyes it starts to get hard to tell whose on your side or whether you're out here alone.

you start to realize something.

The person you trust the most is the only person that can stab you in the back.

Take from your plate and eat the last of your bread while they laugh at you for being so trusting.

If you chose to run it would make sense.

if you chose to ride alone in the dark, only showing yourself here or there when you feel lonely- it would make sense.

But the war is not coming from the person that loves you.

the fire and screaming- the shouting and stabbing, its all around you everday.

Everyday-
we are at war.

With our problems. with our families. with the choices we made in our past.

And though you may survive a lifetime riding through the dark- what can you conquer as only one?

only In love can you find your general.

The kind that listens to your problems and helps you stand up without judgement.

only in love can you find your army

The kind that would die first if it meant shielding you from harm.

only in love- can you conquer.

shape the world in your image.

Go higher over the battlefield- and shoot down your problems

one arrow at a time.

Love is war.

And it is a war I intend for us to win.

I can only describe their behavior as delusional strutting peacocks. My boyfriend took me to meet a couple of his friends this evening. (2 male roommates) unfortunately my bfs truck broke down and he had to take it somewhere to have it fixed. But hey im a pretty cool chic so I stayed behind to hang out with the "friends" ok in their defense yes I was a bit upset about how long my bf was taking but im not sure how these two giant appendages took my complaining for an invention to in effect steal me from my boyfriend. The most absurd part about the evening was that they felt in competition with each other. But they honestly took the flattering to a very disrespectful level. At no point was i interested in snaps of what im missing lol and im not sure who raised you to woe a woman by unzipping your pants..inappropriate much. And please gentlemen you are roommates no need to get so hostile...especially seeing as i couldn't have been more clear that i was infact still very much taken. I don't know if I should tell my bf about what took place in his absence but I don't think I will ever go back to that house again

Clowns and jokers, you know …

The ones who know so much

They can even tell you your

Opinion on matters.

They document.

Have records.

Stacks of papers of bullshit.

None of which you were aware of,

And certainly didn’t require your

Signature, or consent… yet,

There they are, papers, in stacks.

Stacked up against you. And you?

Do you with to obtain counsel?

However will you defend yourself?

Against someone else’s opinion

About events that they did not

Understand?

Couldn't care less for those lips before

Were her eyes always as bright before?

As her nails dug into the dough,

Sweat rolled down her collar bones.

They fell down like pearls from under the sea

How could I've missed her hair, like a beautiful shrubbery.

And the more look, the more I know.

What they'd all been seeing from ages ago.

The clearer it gets, the lesser it hurts

I accept defeat, as I am letting go

Any desire, any dream

Of finding someone,

For whom I might seem

like one such insatiable dream.

I've been with so many women.

I have known so many women.

I have learned how they live how they act how they talk.

I remember all of their laughs

I remember all of their "i love yous"

And its vulnearble for me to say.
its sad for me to say.

but you are the only person I have ever believed.

And im learning  you might be the only person I've meant it to, too.

compassion and patience

like my mother you have compassion and patience.

I see how you talk about women I see how you talk about girlfriends and I know-

Your care for me isn't special- it's special that you care for everyone.

but when I'm talking to you it's like im in a dream.

time moves fast and at the same time the days go by slow.

You say something stupid and it ends up being the smartest thing I've heard in years.

I like that we work on eachothers problems.
I like that we talk too much about other bitches.

I like that you don't judge me for my flaws when I put them on the table.

Like how I tally everything. count what I like and measure the distance between how someone hurt me and when they promised they never would.

I count, honey.

its one of my flaws.

two times i've seen you and your laughter in the room changed my life.

three times I wish I told you to have a great day and I've forgotten.

five thousand times you've given me advice and helped me navigate my love life.

debt.

i am in debt. i am indebted to you and its not just cause you support my art career financially.

i am indebt because I cannot count how many times you've saved my soul.

at this point I live to pay you back.

To pour into your cup what I have in mine.

To make sure you eat well.

To make sure someone cooks for you.

To make sure you drink so that your skin can stay pretty.

You've taught me so many things.

how to talk to her.
how to forgive.
how to believe it when someone says I love you.

because I do.
I do believe it.
and I do believe I love you.

I don’t know when the light left me.
I only know I stopped looking like myself.

There was a time I carried warmth in me. Not innocence. Not peace. Just something alive enough to keep moving without questioning every step. I had firelight then. I had a version of myself I could still recognize in reflections.

Now everything in me feels like smoke.
Not gone.
Worse.

Still here, but impossible to hold.

I left something behind that I should have protected. Maybe it was you. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was the last clean piece of my heart that still believed leaving did not always mean losing.

But I lost it anyway.

I have been walking with my head above the clouds and my chest buried underground. Close to the sky, far from God. Close to memory, far from home. I keep waiting for some sign that this pain has meaning, that the wreckage is teaching me something, that I am not just being emptied for no reason.

But some nights, the lesson feels like a sentence.

I keep asking myself what changed first.

My path.
My heart.
My warmth.

I used to think people became cold because they chose to. Now I know sometimes the fire just dies slowly, and by the time you notice, you are already standing in the ashes of a life that no longer feels like yours.

I am tired of pretending I am healing when I am only surviving quietly.

Tired of smiling with rain behind my eyes.

Tired of turning my pain into prayers and hoping one of them remembers where I belong.

I don’t know if home is a person, a place, or the version of me I abandoned trying to escape myself.

I only know I need to find it before the smoke finishes swallowing my name.

Because I was not always this.

I was firelight once.

And somewhere under all this ash, I need to believe there is still enough of me left to burn again.

My mistake is even speaking with you.
I shouldn’t have talked to you or allowed you to speak with me.
I shouldn’t have presented the opportunity for me to care.
I wish I could shut my heart up.

Enough time has passed by for me to not miss you anymore. Enough time has passed by for me to know we just weren’t right for each other, no matter how much love we might’ve held for the other in the past. That doesn’t mean, I sometimes don’t secretly wish I could celebrate your wins with you, and be there when you need someone to lean on. But as paradoxes go, I won’t be calling, and I know neither will you.

Some days I think I’ve forgiven myself and you, and somedays rage fills me up. Perhaps, it doesn’t have to be one or the other. I’ll always care but I’ll always scorn. It doesn’t matter if I never cross your mind or if I disgust you, the version of you I had is mine to keep and mine to distort.

I don’t claim you. A part of me will always be angry to see you doing well without me, while being happy you made it. So maybe, healing isn’t always indifference. Maybe it’s living in these paradoxes. I don’t wish to see my emotions as betrayal anymore, so I hope if this is how I’m destined to feel about you, I settle myself into these choppy waters in peace.

Under the sacred sun

I want to know the new you

Curiously close 

Resting my head 

On your immaculate coast 

I've transformed into a tall tree

Growing in the Spring of now

Glowing for your gorgeous face

Distant from the other trees

I can stretch my branches out

The fresh wind caresses my spirit 

Your ocean of radiance sparkles 

The moonlight dances on my leaves

I don't have eyes but I can see you

Can you feel my curiosity?

Your ambiguous aura keeps me guessing 

Feed on my zestful fruit

In the sublime shade I wave

Welcoming you to take root

I adore your emotional hues

I loved you then and I love you now

Show me your vulnerable truth 

I'll whisper secrets just for you 

I will create our unique sculptures 

Kiss your cute nose 

Dye your huggable hair

Paint your tantalizing toes 

Gaze into your amber eyes

I'm here unmasking my disguise

Hey, Snarkosaurus,

I hope you’re doing well; I’m glad you’re looking after yourself. After all, you’re a “rockstar” who has been through a lot in life.

I don’t think you’ll see this letter, but I had to get it out into the ether—and I didn’t want to leave us in such a sour state. If you happen to see it, well, that’s just the universe with a sense of humour…The universe can suck it!

I came from a place of pain with the last email I sent before pulling the plug. I put it all unjustly on you. For that, I’m sorry. Sincerely…

I know you say you don’t hold grudges, but how I responded to you declining my invitation was not fair to you. I felt rejected and foolish, and I took it out on you when perhaps you were trying to keep your boundaries in place. Again, I’m sorry…

I blocked your email address because it hurts too much to see you land in my inbox. You’re prioritizing your peace, and I want that for you. I’m still looking for my own peace, and I’ll find it. It will take time.

By the way, I use the nicknames affectionately; there’s no sarcasm behind it. I just…really loved the monikers. When you called me a snarkochondriac…it stuck. It’s funny.

Love you, my friend.

Your Snarkochondriac

I dreamt of you last night. It was our finally goodbye. It felt so real to be held by you again. I remember melting into your chest as you wrapped your arms around me. Your heart beating loudly against my ear. Panicked and yet hard like a horses hooves galloping against me. I felt your beard lightly poke against the crown of my head and your hard shoulders press into me. The soft wetness from the tears we both wept. Your deep voice telling me how much you hated me for what I put you through. You had a black button down shirt and your long trench coat (you’d put on me and joke wouldn’t close because of my large chest) on. With your lightly tanned skin,striking hazel eyes and tall stance; you always reminded me of the devil in disguise all wrapped up in mystery. Seeing you so vividly breathing in front of me. Feeling your firm dense body against mine again was calming. Almost peaceful enough to want to live in it forever. You held me as we spoke of the past. The memories. Everything we shared. Warehouse 13, Castlevania, Dr.who…. And so so so many more. We both wished we could have had an official choice in a relationship. Dates. Nights to just us. Starting a life or several together. We never really got that and now well it’s to far gone. And then you spoke of your new life and how she’s not me but she’s….different. She was willing to give you what you wanted when you wanted it. And I couldn’t and there was no guarantee. We both took the safe ways out in the end. We both had regrets but we made peace with each other a long time ago. So we kissed our goodbyes away and wiped each other’s tears for the final time. And I awoke with a sense of sadness but acceptance that you were at least happy. Even if it wasn’t with me.

It’s a cruel reminder that it wasn’t all real. The closure wasn’t real. You weren’t real. And I have to accept that that version of you isn’t real either.

You were my Skyboy even if you didn’t like that nickname(ironic) and I was your Ahsoka.

-A loving Stranger

Dear S,

I don’t know why I think of you at 3:00 in the morning.

We haven’t spoken in about 15 years.

Maybe it’s because I never got closure?

I mean, you were literally my first friend, we were tight as could be, we went through so much together, but once you reached a certain age your mom decided that it wasn’t appropriate for a boy to have such close girl friends and she made it so we stopped hanging out.

It felt like one day you were at my house or I was at yours, since we lived across the street from each other, every day.

Then one day

You were gone.

Just like that.

I missed you.

I think I still do in some way.

I definitely regret the fact that we didn’t get to finish growing up together.

I still remember your birthday. Kind of hard to forget since you’re almost exactly two months older than me.

There are so many details about you and your life that I remember, from preschool to the time in our lives when we parted. I don’t know if you, or if anyone really, remembers me that well.

Do I ever cross your mind?

Do you have the same regrets that I do?

Does any of this matter to anyone but me?

I have no way of knowing.

I feel like I have so many questions for you.

Where are you these days?

Where did you go to college?

What did you decide to do with your life?

Did you find someone to share your life with?

Do you still like sports as much as you used to?

Do your parents still live in our home town?

Are you happy?

God, I hope you’re happy.

I really, really want you to be happy, wherever you are.

I want life to have been good to you, because you deserve it.

In my own kid way, I loved you.

Not romantically, though you were my first crush, but I think the word that I’d use to describe how I felt about you back then would be love.

Is there a better way to describe deep affection, admiration, and respect even if it’s just platonic?

I think that part of me still loves you.

All of me wants the best for you, wherever you are.

I have no idea how to find you.

I’m not on Facebook or instagram these days.

I don’t even know how I’d start looking.

I don’t know what I’d say to you if I found you.

Maybe you wouldn’t want to be found.

Maybe I’ll just live with never knowing.

In case this reaches you somehow, here’s my update.

Life wasn’t kind to me when you knew me, and that unfortunately didn’t change much. I’ve had ups and downs and I’m still trying to make the best of it.

You didn’t know this about me, but I was sick the entire time you knew me. Yeah, even when we were toddlers. I’m still sick today and I always will be. I use a wheelchair now because of it. I’m sure that would surprise you.

It’s not so bad, really. Do you remember how I was always so slow in school? How I hated running? I’m strong and fast now in a way I never was when we were kids.

I still love airplanes, though my illness means I never got to fly them. I got one tattooed next to my heart instead.

I ended up studying medicine and moving to the city where your dad is from, all the way across the country from where we grew up. I’m still there. I really love it. I might never leave. Sometimes I think about you when I’m in certain parts of town.

I love medicine, too. So much. It filled a hole in my life and gave me purpose at a time when I really needed it. It’s one of the things that brings me the most joy in life.

I met a nice guy and ended up marrying him. We’ve been together for almost nine years and we’re still really happy. He’s definitely one of the things in my life that’s gone the most right.

I still keep to myself a lot. I guess that some old habits die hard and some old wounds never heal fully.

I did grow into myself, though. People who know me nowadays describe me as bubbly, energetic, outgoing, charismatic, and warm. I smile a lot more and I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin. I think you’d be happy to know that.

I grew into quite the nerdy intellectual as well, which I’m sure would be no surprise to you. I read like it’s going out of style and am always learning. My mind overflows with useless facts and random trivia and more hobbies than is probably healthy for a person, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The fact that I have a filing cabinet instead of a brain is something I tend to use to my advantage, though it definitely has its pros and cons.

I don’t talk to my family much. There are some good reasons for that.

Although I’ve had a hard go of it, I’m still optimistic. I still believe in the good, both in life and in people. I still find things to live for. I always have. I always will.

Wherever you are,

Have a good life.

Be well.

And more than anything,

Be happy.

Love,

N

Love isn’t a game.
There’s people whose hearts can’t take it.
I wish I never met you.
I see your heart and it is black as soot.

You're a lying, cheating, selfish, manipulative, shitty human being. You can't be honest, you have the personality of stale bread and you think you're better than you actually are.

Your family not raising you right isn't an excuse for being a shitty person. You make excuses for everything in your life and refuse to do anything about it. Making it 10× worse.

Your addiction to weed is killing you.

You asked me to marry you, and proceeded to cheat online with dumb whores, who are ugly and gross to you.

You are the world's largest sack of human shit and I hope you either get the help you so desperately need or do society the favor and go off into the sunset.

Sincerely, the badass babe who you fumbled .

I censor myself,

Even here.

Under anonymous

Guise.

I can express.

But, not fully,

The depths of my

Heart and soul.

That, I reserve

For those quiet

Moments in the

Future, where I

Am snuggled

Face-deep into

Your armpit.

My leg draped,

And arm holding,

My love.

A time I hope is

Spent. One day.

My love.

I am touch starved and hungry. I keep toying with all of these ideas and possibilities and people but all I really want is you. So many different ways. Sleepy. Hyper. Dominant. Submissive. Soft. Hard. Below. Above. Beside. In the bed, at the park, in a car, anywhere, everywhere. Hell we can hang upside down like sloths idc. I just want you.

I'm taking a moment, throwing a tantrum. I'm frustrated, I'm hurt, idk what to do with it.

Our lives changed, my life changed several springs ago and I’m still hung up. Still hurting. I'm going kinda crazy. I'm so angry, I'm so frustrated I don't know how to move beyond the victim position and actually heal. Just go through the motions, try to let things go and process, find new things etc.

I don't understand how we just continue on, how the most devastating moments can take place and the world keeps rolling. People are resilient but it feels useless. Hope is hard. It hurts.

It feels like the world doesn't care if people are able to continue on because there's always people. And I feel like I'm dying slowly from the inside out and the world doesn't know or care because it just keeps going. Life moves on. People live their lives. My life ended and I'm supposed to keep living. It's unpleasant, it's hard and I just wanted to cry about it cause idk what else to do.

It begins with what I allow into my mind and what I refuse to let control my direction.

I am not available for doubt anymore.

I am not building from fear, lack, confusion, or old pain.

I am building from certainty.

For a long time, I gave attention to what was missing, what was unclear, and what was not aligned. That version of me was learning. This version of me knows.

I do not chase what is meant for me.

I do not beg life to reveal the outcome.

I do not shrink myself to be chosen.

I move with purpose, and what belongs in my life meets me there.

My focus is locked in.

My standards are clear.

My energy is protected.

My future is not something I hope for.

It is something I am creating.

Everything aligned with me has room to enter. Everything misaligned with me has permission to leave.

I am not stuck in the past.

I am not waiting for permission.

I am not questioning my worth.

I am stepping into the life I already know is mine.

I’d rather go through a thousand hard days with you, arguing, learning, healing, and trying again, than spend a lifetime with someone I’ll never truly love the way I love you.

You are my greatest risk and my safest place at the same time. No matter how hard it gets.