u/PauseBeautiful2391

To JS,

Before I finally let life take us wherever it’s meant to, there’s something I need to leave behind. I know this is goodbye, the kind of goodbye where your paths never cross again, even if you were in the same city at the same time. I hope you know that meeting you was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me. I deeply cherish everything we shared. Even if we didn’t get the ending I hoped for, I will always be grateful that, for a little while, our lives intertwined. 

I tried to imagine what it would be like to forget you. I don’t think I could do that yet. I still see you everywhere. I still look for you everywhere, even knowing you’re no longer there. You were too enmeshed into my days, the little things that shouldn’t matter but mean a lot to me. 

I’m going to miss getting ready for work with you and walking to work with you. I’m going to miss waking up in the middle of the night and pretending I didn’t fall asleep while waiting for you to call. I’m going to miss watching those silly little shows with you. I’m going to miss folding laundry with you and just watching you cook. I’m going to miss going on grocery runs with you. I’m going to miss waiting for you to finally clock off work last again. I’m going to miss seeing you run through the rain to get home. I’m going to miss going on those train rides with you. I’m going to miss furniture shopping with you. I’m going to miss you letting me pick out what drink you were going to have. I’m going to miss walking the dog with you. 

My heart aches waking up and not seeing your messages on my screen. The little snippets of your day. I’m going to miss your laughter so much. The way your eyes crinkle when you smile. The way your forehead creases when you’re trying to figure something out. The way you’d twist your eyebrows into funny shapes. 

I deeply, genuinely cared for you in the way I knew how. I tried to be gentle with your heart knowing what you were carrying too, not knowing I made you feel like I was keeping you at arms length. I wanted to share every single thing with you but I was scared you’d drown with the weight of what I was carrying. I was scared you’d run if you knew how intensely I felt everything. I got too good at being the “mindful, considerate one” that I tried to carry everything alone. I know that the things that hurt me made me more guarded this time around and I’m deeply sorry if that pushed you away. I didn’t know how to share my pain and burdens when I’ve always had to carry everything alone. 

My heart was once too trusting, too open, too naive, too pure that I always saw the good in everyone, even the worst once. I emphatized too deeply and understood why people can turn out the way they are because of things that happened to them. I’m sorry I looked at you through that lens too and used that to measure your emotional capacity. I was looking for security before letting my guard down completely but you were looking for vulnerabiltity before security. And I guess that’s where our hearts clashed. Our hearts were speaking two different languages. I wish you taught me yours before you quietly built a wall against me. 

Love to me means partnership and compromise and learning to love each other despite all your flaws, embracing the person for their individualitu, seeing the person as they are and not as who you want them to be. I saw this quote today that says \*“If he wanted to, he would” and "If he wanted to, he would" is oversimplified pop-psychology. A better lens: "If his nervous system is regulated and he is capable of secure attachment, he will."\* Maybe you just didn’t want it as bad as I did and that’s okay

I never said this out loud but its always been on my heart and mind whenever I saw you and your beautiful brown eyes, I love you. I wish you never have to carry all that pain and anguish alone. I wish I could take it all away. You deserve undiluted happiness and I wish I could pour that into you to chase all the darkness away. 

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you find your person, even if that it isn’t me. I hope you find your peace. 

I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you, thank you and good bye.

X, Muñeca

To S,

Before I finally let life take us wherever it’s meant to, there’s something I need to leave behind. I know this is goodbye, the kind of goodbye where your paths never cross again, even if you were in the same city at the same time. I hope you know that meeting you was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me. I deeply cherish everything we shared. Even if we didn’t get the ending I hoped for, I will always be grateful that, for a little while, our lives intertwined. 

I tried to imagine what it would be like to forget you. I don’t think I could do that yet. I still see you everywhere. I still look for you everywhere, even knowing you’re no longer there. You were too enmeshed into my days, the little things that shouldn’t matter but mean a lot to me. 

I’m going to miss getting ready for work with you and walking to work with you. I’m going to miss waking up in the middle of the night and pretending I didn’t fall asleep while waiting for you to call. I’m going to miss watching those silly little shows with you. I’m going to miss folding laundry with you and just watching you cook. I’m going to miss going on grocery runs with you. I’m going to miss waiting for you to finally clock off work last again. I’m going to miss seeing you run through the rain to get home. I’m going to miss going on those train rides with you. I’m going to miss furniture shopping with you. I’m going to miss you letting me pick out what drink you were going to have. I’m going to miss walking the dog with you. 

My heart aches waking up and not seeing your messages on my screen. The little snippets of your day. I’m going to miss your laughter so much. The way your eyes crinkle when you smile. The way your forehead creases when you’re trying to figure something out. The way you’d twist your eyebrows into funny shapes. 

I deeply, genuinely cared for you in the way I knew how. I tried to be gentle with your heart knowing what you were carrying too, not knowing I made you feel like I was keeping you at arms length. I wanted to share every single thing with you but I was scared you’d drown with the weight of what I was carrying. I was scared you’d run if you knew how intensely I felt everything. I got too good at being the “mindful, considerate one” that I tried to carry everything alone. I know that the things that hurt me made me more guarded this time around and I’m deeply sorry if that pushed you away. I didn’t know how to share my pain and burdens when I’ve always had to carry everything alone. 

My heart was once too trusting, too open, too naive, too pure that I always saw the good in everyone, even the worst once. I emphatized too deeply and understood why people can turn out the way they are because of things that happened to them. I’m sorry I looked at you through that lens too and used that to measure your emotional capacity. I was looking for security before letting my guard down completely but you were looking for vulnerabiltity before security. And I guess that’s where our hearts clashed. Our hearts were speaking two different languages. I wish you taught me yours before you quietly built a wall against me. 

Love to me means partnership and compromise and learning to love each other despite all your flaws, embracing the person for their individualitu, seeing the person as they are and not as who you want them to be. I saw this quote today that says \*“If he wanted to, he would” and "If he wanted to, he would" is oversimplified pop-psychology. A better lens: "If his nervous system is regulated and he is capable of secure attachment, he will."\* Maybe you just didn’t want it as bad as I did and that’s okay

I never said this out loud but its always been on my heart and mind whenever I saw you and your beautiful brown eyes, I love you. I wish you never have to carry all that pain and anguish alone. I wish I could take it all away. You deserve undiluted happiness and I wish I could pour that into you to chase all the darkness away. 

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you find your person, even if that it isn’t me. I hope you find your peace. 

I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you, thank you and good bye.I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you, thank you and good bye.

x, Muñeca

To S,

Before I finally let life take us wherever it’s meant to, there’s something I need to leave behind. I know this is goodbye, the kind of goodbye where your paths never cross again, even if you were in the same city at the same time. I hope you know that meeting you was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me. I deeply cherish everything we shared. Even if we didn’t get the ending I hoped for, I will always be grateful that, for a little while, our lives intertwined. 

I tried to imagine what it would be like to forget you. I don’t think I could do that yet. I still see you everywhere. I still look for you everywhere, even knowing you’re no longer there. You were too enmeshed into my days, the little things that shouldn’t matter but mean a lot to me. 

I’m going to miss getting ready for work with you and walking to work with you. I’m going to miss waking up in the middle of the night and pretending I didn’t fall asleep while waiting for you to call. I’m going to miss watching those silly little shows with you. I’m going to miss folding laundry with you and just watching you cook. I’m going to miss going on grocery runs with you. I’m going to miss waiting for you to finally clock off work last again. I’m going to miss seeing you run through the rain to get home. I’m going to miss going on those train rides with you. I’m going to miss furniture shopping with you. I’m going to miss you letting me pick out what drink you were going to have. I’m going to miss walking the dog with you. 

My heart aches waking up and not seeing your messages on my screen. The little snippets of your day. I’m going to miss your laughter so much. The way your eyes crinkle when you smile. The way your forehead creases when you’re trying to figure something out. The way you’d twist your eyebrows into funny shapes. 

I deeply, genuinely cared for you in the way I knew how. I tried to be gentle with your heart knowing what you were carrying too, not knowing I made you feel like I was keeping you at arms length. I wanted to share every single thing with you but I was scared you’d drown with the weight of what I was carrying. I was scared you’d run if you knew how intensely I felt everything. I got too good at being the “mindful, considerate one” that I tried to carry everything alone. I know that the things that hurt me made me more guarded this time around and I’m deeply sorry if that pushed you away. I didn’t know how to share my pain and burdens when I’ve always had to carry everything alone. 

My heart was once too trusting, too open, too naive, too pure that I always saw the good in everyone, even the worst once. I emphatized too deeply and understood why people can turn out the way they are because of things that happened to them. I’m sorry I looked at you through that lens too and used that to measure your emotional capacity. I was looking for security before letting my guard down completely but you were looking for vulnerabiltity before security. And I guess that’s where our hearts clashed. Our hearts were speaking two different languages. I wish you taught me yours before you quietly built a wall against me. 

Love to me means partnership and compromise and learning to love each other despite all your flaws, embracing the person for their individualitu, seeing the person as they are and not as who you want them to be. I saw this quote today that says \*“If he wanted to, he would” and "If he wanted to, he would" is oversimplified pop-psychology. A better lens: "If his nervous system is regulated and he is capable of secure attachment, he will."\* Maybe you just didn’t want it as bad as I did and that’s okay

I never said this out loud but its always been on my heart and mind whenever I saw you and your beautiful brown eyes, I love you. I wish you never have to carry all that pain and anguish alone. I wish I could take it all away. You deserve undiluted happiness and I wish I could pour that into you to chase all the darkness away. 

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you find your person, even if that it isn’t me. I hope you find your peace. 

I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you, thank you and good bye.

X, Muñeca

To S,

Before I finally let life take us wherever it’s meant to, there’s something I need to leave behind. I know this is goodbye, the kind of goodbye where your paths never cross again, even if you were in the same city at the same time. I hope you know that meeting you was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me. I deeply cherish everything we shared. Even if we didn’t get the ending I hoped for, I will always be grateful that, for a little while, our lives intertwined. 

I tried to imagine what it would be like to forget you. I don’t think I could do that yet. I still see you everywhere. I still look for you everywhere, even knowing you’re no longer there. You were too enmeshed into my days, the little things that shouldn’t matter but mean a lot to me. 

I’m going to miss getting ready for work with you and walking to work with you. I’m going to miss waking up in the middle of the night and pretending I didn’t fall asleep while waiting for you to call. I’m going to miss watching those silly little shows with you. I’m going to miss folding laundry with you and just watching you cook. I’m going to miss going on grocery runs with you. I’m going to miss waiting for you to finally clock off work last again. I’m going to miss seeing you run through the rain to get home. I’m going to miss going on those train rides with you. I’m going to miss furniture shopping with you. I’m going to miss you letting me pick out what drink you were going to have. I’m going to miss walking the dog with you. 

My heart aches waking up and not seeing your messages on my screen. The little snippets of your day. I’m going to miss your laughter so much. The way your eyes crinkle when you smile. The way your forehead creases when you’re trying to figure something out. The way you’d twist your eyebrows into funny shapes. 

I deeply, genuinely cared for you in the way I knew how. I tried to be gentle with your heart knowing what you were carrying too, not knowing I made you feel like I was keeping you at arms length. I wanted to share every single thing with you but I was scared you’d drown with the weight of what I was carrying. I was scared you’d run if you knew how intensely I felt everything. I got too good at being the “mindful, considerate one” that I tried to carry everything alone. I know that the things that hurt me made me more guarded this time around and I’m deeply sorry if that pushed you away. I didn’t know how to share my pain and burdens when I’ve always had to carry everything alone. 

My heart was once too trusting, too open, too naive, too pure that I always saw the good in everyone, even the worst once. I emphatized too deeply and understood why people can turn out the way they are because of things that happened to them. I’m sorry I looked at you through that lens too and used that to measure your emotional capacity. I was looking for security before letting my guard down completely but you were looking for vulnerabiltity before security. And I guess that’s where our hearts clashed. Our hearts were speaking two different languages. I wish you taught me yours before you quietly built a wall against me. 

Love to me means partnership and compromise and learning to love each other despite all your flaws, embracing the person for their individualitu, seeing the person as they are and not as who you want them to be. I saw this quote today that says *“If he wanted to, he would” and "If he wanted to, he would" is oversimplified pop-psychology. A better lens: "If his nervous system is regulated and he is capable of secure attachment, he will."* Maybe you just didn’t want it as bad as I did and that’s okay

I never said this out loud but its always been on my heart and mind whenever I saw you and your beautiful brown eyes, I love you. I wish you never have to carry all that pain and anguish alone. I wish I could take it all away. You deserve undiluted happiness and I wish I could pour that into you to chase all the darkness away. 

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you find your person, even if that it isn’t me. I hope you find your peace. 

I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you, thank you and good bye.

x, Muñeca

He apparently spent a month deciding our relationship was unsustainable without telling me. Am I wrong for feeling blindsided?

I honestly don't even know how to write this because I'm still kind of in shock.

I've been seeing this guy for a few months. We never officially labeled it, but this was absolutely not casual. We were both very emotionally invested.

We talked every day. Good morning texts. Good night texts. Getting ready with me's. Sharing random parts of our day. Talking about our fears, our lives, our pasts. He told me literally a couple of days ago that he'd never been this open with anyone and that he enjoyed it.

And then yesterday I found out that apparently he's been thinking for about a month that what we have feels unsustainable. I feel like I've been living in a completely different version of the relationship.

The thing that is really fucking me up isn't even just that he has doubts.

It's that he was having all these doubts and making decisions about us internally while I had no idea there was even a problem.

Apparently one of his issues is that I hadn't told him enough about my plans for my future.

And that's fair. I can own that.

There were things I hadn't told him. I was scared to. I didn't know where I stood with him, and part of me wanted him to lead. I wanted him to ask me about my plans, my goals, where I saw my life going. I know that's not necessarily fair and I know I should have just communicated.

He basically told me that he doesn't believe in the idea that a man should have to prompt a woman to share her goals and that this shouldn't be about gender roles.

And honestly, I understand what he's saying.

But I'm still sitting here thinking...

Why didn't you just fucking ask me?

If you thought I wasn't being transparent, why not say, "Hey, I feel like I don't really know what you want for your future."

If you were worried that we wanted different things, why not tell me?

If you were starting to feel like this wasn't sustainable, why was I still opening myself up to you while you were apparently already halfway out the door? That's the part I can't get my head around. Because I wasn't given the opportunity to fix something I didn't know was broken. I was still investing in this relationship while he was apparently evaluating whether it was worth continuing.

And now I'm being told that he's been thinking about this for a month.

A MONTH.

That's a long time to be emotionally detaching from someone while they're still completely invested in you.

I really, really like this person. And if I'm being completely honest, I think I might love him. He reached a conclusion about us before I even knew there was a conversation happening.

Maybe I fucked up too. Maybe I should have been more forthcoming about my plans instead of waiting for him to ask. I'm willing to take responsibility for that. But I don't think relationships are supposed to work like this.

You don't silently collect evidence for a month, decide the relationship isn't sustainable, and then tell the other person after you've already emotionally processed half the breakup.

How is the other person supposed to fight for something they didn't even know was in danger?

​

I honestly don't even know how to write this because I'm still kind of in shock.

I've been seeing this guy for a few months. We never officially labeled it, but this was absolutely not casual. We were both very emotionally invested.

We talked every day. Good morning texts. Good night texts. Getting ready with me's. Sharing random parts of our day. Talking about our fears, our lives, our pasts. He told me literally a couple of days ago that he'd never been this open with anyone and that he enjoyed it.

And then yesterday I found out that apparently he's been thinking for about a month that what we have feels unsustainable. I feel like I've been living in a completely different version of the relationship.

The thing that is really fucking me up isn't even just that he has doubts.

It's that he was having all these doubts and making decisions about us internally while I had no idea there was even a problem.

Apparently one of his issues is that I hadn't told him enough about my plans for my future.

And that's fair. I can own that.

There were things I hadn't told him. I was scared to. I didn't know where I stood with him, and part of me wanted him to lead. I wanted him to ask me about my plans, my goals, where I saw my life going. I know that's not necessarily fair and I know I should have just communicated.

He basically told me that he doesn't believe in the idea that a man should have to prompt a woman to share her goals and that this shouldn't be about gender roles.

And honestly, I understand what he's saying.

But I'm still sitting here thinking...

Why didn't you just fucking ask me?

If you thought I wasn't being transparent, why not say, "Hey, I feel like I don't really know what you want for your future."

If you were worried that we wanted different things, why not tell me?

If you were starting to feel like this wasn't sustainable, why was I still opening myself up to you while you were apparently already halfway out the door? That's the part I can't get my head around. Because I wasn't given the opportunity to fix something I didn't know was broken. I was still investing in this relationship while he was apparently evaluating whether it was worth continuing.

And now I'm being told that he's been thinking about this for a month.

A MONTH.

That's a long time to be emotionally detaching from someone while they're still completely invested in you.

I really, really like this person. And if I'm being completely honest, I think I might love him. He reached a conclusion about us before I even knew there was a conversation happening.

Maybe I fucked up too. Maybe I should have been more forthcoming about my plans instead of waiting for him to ask. I'm willing to take responsibility for that. But I don't think relationships are supposed to work like this.

You don't silently collect evidence for a month, decide the relationship isn't sustainable, and then tell the other person after you've already emotionally processed half the breakup.

How is the other person supposed to fight for something they didn't even know was in danger?

I honestly don't even know how to write this because I'm still kind of in shock.

I've been seeing this guy for a few months. We never officially labeled it, but this was absolutely not casual. We were both very emotionally invested.

We talked every day. Good morning texts. Good night texts. Getting ready with me's. Sharing random parts of our day. Talking about our fears, our lives, our pasts. He told me literally a couple of days ago that he'd never been this open with anyone and that he enjoyed it.

And then yesterday I found out that apparently he's been thinking for about a month that what we have feels unsustainable. I feel like I've been living in a completely different version of the relationship.

The thing that is really fucking me up isn't even just that he has doubts.

It's that he was having all these doubts and making decisions about us internally while I had no idea there was even a problem.

Apparently one of his issues is that I hadn't told him enough about my plans for my future.

And that's fair. I can own that.

There were things I hadn't told him. I was scared to. I didn't know where I stood with him, and part of me wanted him to lead. I wanted him to ask me about my plans, my goals, where I saw my life going. I know that's not necessarily fair and I know I should have just communicated.

He basically told me that he doesn't believe in the idea that a man should have to prompt a woman to share her goals and that this shouldn't be about gender roles.

And honestly, I understand what he's saying.

But I'm still sitting here thinking...

Why didn't you just fucking ask me?

If you thought I wasn't being transparent, why not say, "Hey, I feel like I don't really know what you want for your future."

If you were worried that we wanted different things, why not tell me?

If you were starting to feel like this wasn't sustainable, why was I still opening myself up to you while you were apparently already halfway out the door? That's the part I can't get my head around. Because I wasn't given the opportunity to fix something I didn't know was broken. I was still investing in this relationship while he was apparently evaluating whether it was worth continuing.

And now I'm being told that he's been thinking about this for a month.

A MONTH.

That's a long time to be emotionally detaching from someone while they're still completely invested in you.

I really, really like this person. And if I'm being completely honest, I think I might love him. He reached a conclusion about us before I even knew there was a conversation happening.

Maybe I fucked up too. Maybe I should have been more forthcoming about my plans instead of waiting for him to ask. I'm willing to take responsibility for that. But I don't think relationships are supposed to work like this.

You don't silently collect evidence for a month, decide the relationship isn't sustainable, and then tell the other person after you've already emotionally processed half the breakup.

How is the other person supposed to fight for something they didn't even know was in danger?

I honestly don't even know how to write this because I'm still kind of in shock.

I've been seeing this guy for a few months. We never officially labeled it, but this was absolutely not casual. We were both very emotionally invested.

We talked every day. Good morning texts. Good night texts. Getting ready with me's. Sharing random parts of our day. Talking about our fears, our lives, our pasts. He told me literally a couple of days ago that he'd never been this open with anyone and that he enjoyed it.

And then yesterday I found out that apparently he's been thinking for about a month that what we have feels unsustainable. I feel like I've been living in a completely different version of the relationship.

The thing that is really fucking me up isn't even just that he has doubts.

It's that he was having all these doubts and making decisions about us internally while I had no idea there was even a problem.

Apparently one of his issues is that I hadn't told him enough about my plans for my future.

And that's fair. I can own that.

There were things I hadn't told him. I was scared to. I didn't know where I stood with him, and part of me wanted him to lead. I wanted him to ask me about my plans, my goals, where I saw my life going. I know that's not necessarily fair and I know I should have just communicated.

He basically told me that he doesn't believe in the idea that a man should have to prompt a woman to share her goals and that this shouldn't be about gender roles.

And honestly, I understand what he's saying.

But I'm still sitting here thinking...

Why didn't you just fucking ask me?

If you thought I wasn't being transparent, why not say, "Hey, I feel like I don't really know what you want for your future."

If you were worried that we wanted different things, why not tell me?

If you were starting to feel like this wasn't sustainable, why was I still opening myself up to you while you were apparently already halfway out the door? That's the part I can't get my head around. Because I wasn't given the opportunity to fix something I didn't know was broken. I was still investing in this relationship while he was apparently evaluating whether it was worth continuing.

And now I'm being told that he's been thinking about this for a month.

A MONTH.

That's a long time to be emotionally detaching from someone while they're still completely invested in you.

I really, really like this person. And if I'm being completely honest, I think I might love him. He reached a conclusion about us before I even knew there was a conversation happening.

Maybe I fucked up too. Maybe I should have been more forthcoming about my plans instead of waiting for him to ask. I'm willing to take responsibility for that. But I don't think relationships are supposed to work like this.

You don't silently collect evidence for a month, decide the relationship isn't sustainable, and then tell the other person after you've already emotionally processed half the breakup.

How is the other person supposed to fight for something they didn't even know was in danger?

I’m trying to process how someone can be genuinely emotionally invested in you and still decide they can’t choose you

I don't really know how to organize this, so I'm just going to write it out.

It started as something that was supposed to be relatively uncomplicated, but it dragged on because neither of us was actually as detached as we probably pretended to be.

We met in April. What started as an island fling became something much more emotionally intimate than either of us expected. And the intimacy wasn't just in the big conversations.

There were all these tiny, domestic-feeling things that slowly became part of our routine.Good mornings. Good nights. Getting ready together over Facetime. He'd call while he was getting ready, and I'd get ready with him. Sometimes we'd just be doing completely mundane things like folding laundry, cleaning, meal prepping while keeping each other company.

He would call me just to show me random things. His toiletry bag. His deodorant. His ball deodorant. His anti-chafing spray. Sunscreen. Beard wax. Beard oil. He'd literally show me each thing one by one.

He'd bring me along virtually on errands and train rides. He'd show me things while he was out. He showed me things at the zoo while he was scouting the place for a work picnic. Sometimes there wasn't even anything particularly important happening. He just seemed to want me there. And that's what made this so confusing. It wasn't just sex or flirting or some fantasy relationship that existed only in our heads. There was a lot of mundane intimacy.

We had these little rituals that felt almost relationship-like without either of us formally calling them that. Good morning. Good night. “Come get ready with me.” Calls during the day. During lunchbreak. Sharing stupid little things that didn't need to be shared. Being part of each other's ordinary life.

And then, just a couple of days ago, he said something that is now absolutely fucking haunting me:

“I've never been this open with anyone and I enjoy it.”

He told me that while we were still having all of these intimate, ordinary interactions.

And now he's telling me that this feels unsustainable. I genuinely don't know how my brain is supposed to process that transition. How do you go from: "I've never been this open with anyone and I enjoy it" to suddenly "this isn't sustainable" in what feels like the blink of an eye? Maybe the answer is that it wasn't actually sudden for him. Because I asked him how long he'd been thinking about this. And he said about a month. That is probably the part that hurts the most. Because while I was still very much emotionally invested, still saying good morning and good night, still getting ready with him, still taking his calls, still listening to him talk about his life, still feeling like we were becoming closer. He was apparently already somewhere in his head trying to decide whether he wanted out. So the timeline I was living in and the timeline he was living in were completely different.

I didn't know. And that's what makes this feel like such emotional whiplash. I was still moving toward him while he was apparently already contemplating moving away from me. And then suddenly I'm expected to emotionally catch up to a decision he's apparently had a month to process.

He has been struggling with depression. His social anxiety has gotten significantly worse recently, even around his regular friend group. He told me that part of what he's struggling with is feeling inadequate, being a loser, feeling behind in life. I know he's not in a great place mentally. And I don't want to reduce this to “he never cared.”

Just struggling with the cognitive dissonace of someone telling you they've never been this open and vulnerable with someone and finding they enjoy it and at the same time saying they don't think its sustainable. Because if you genuinely enjoy being this open with someone, if you genuinely enjoy having them woven into your everyday life, if you keep calling them, saying good morning and good night, getting ready with them, sharing your mundane life with them...How can that same thing suddenly become unsustainable? I don't have an explanation that makes these two versions of him fit together.

The person who told me two days ago that he'd never been this open with anyone and enjoyed it feels like a completely different person from the person telling me now that this feels unsustainable.

I cried myself to sleep. I went to work as usual today and I'm a fucking mess. I know that probably sounds dramatic to some people. It's “just” a situationship. We weren't married. We weren't even officially together in the conventional sense.

But emotionally, this was not casual for me. This person had become part of my life. And I'm struggling to process the fact that while I was still looking at those things as evidence that we were getting closer, he may have already been looking at the relationship through the lens of whether he could leave it.

I think that's why it hurts so fucking much.