In fact, I wish you knew just how highly I still think of you… even after everything.
I know apologizing to you, wholeheartedly, isn’t an option these days but you do deserve it, so I will make do with what I am given.

I’m sorry that I hurt you at the end, that my trauma was screaming louder than the reality in front of me, and that you experienced and endured the brunt end of that. I’m sorry that I let myself lose control in such a way that I know my words hurt much more than you let on during those two arguments.
You didn’t deserve to be inflicted by the emotions I thought I had once handled, no matter the circumstance or the situations that led to that point.

I’m sorry that I felt I couldn’t be completely honest with you about the hurt I experienced a month prior to those last arguments, and I’m sorry that was the catalyst to our entire ending. I thought if I could rationalize or ignore the residual feelings from that moment, everything would blow over - that I was simply overreacting.

As much as I want to say these things to you, I respect your decision to not be around anymore. I will choose to remember our time fondly and as one of my favorite, short lived, chapters. I’ll miss you in the stillness of the night, in every loud noise and song throughout the day, and each and every time I step foot into this forest to find my sense of self and peace again.

Thank you for showing me the softness that is contained within you, for your compassion, for your time and patience, and thank you for loving me with what you had available to give.
I will never regret you, I will choose to remember you throughout the years, and you will never be the villain in my story.

A heartbeat, always,
Cutie.
🖤

I wish I could forget about you, you broke me when yk I was already broken.... Still don't leave my mind ever... I met a great guy he's so sweet to me ,yet I feel so guilty, all I think about it J....uhh

..

So this is for my J who has been very creative with his account.
We have been together for 11 years and have been through so much turmoil for you to waste your time with someone who doesn’t even have enough integrity to be a good person. Anybody who knowingly dates someone they know is taken is not a good person. Full stop.
I’m stronger than anything you could ever try to replace me with.
We have had so much that God blessed and took away as he had the right to do so. We have had hopes and dreams and plans to travel and we will.
I was there since 2015 and am still here. Just because time may pass and we may grow tired… that doesn’t mean the love isn’t real. That’s true love not some superficial shit.
At the end of the day when a person is still there when you have a lot and when you have nothing that is the true meaning of love.
Someone that loves someone doesn’t try to take you from what you have invested in. I’ve let you go multiple times and you came back. I am the reason you are walking today. Just because I don’t say it all the time doesn’t mean you aren’t perfect in every way. As the good book says “No weapon formed against me will prosper…” as for the little girl in this group…. Move on. You deserve better than to be made a full out of online. If you ever care to reach out and bring me clarity…it’s welcome with no ill will. You were lied to and deceived by a man that is 30 and has been taken since Obama was in office.
I almost died this year and when he said I was “leaving him” I was taking care of my father who had a stroke. So no sweetheart you’re not his twin flame. You were a way to control his partner. Thus why he changed his username and blocked you.
Not everything that glitters is gold. And I hope you have peace. He is not a good person at all. He is very much a monster. But he is mine….thats all that counts.

i can't do this anymore. I have to go. this game is bullshit. I can't do it I don't know what people dont understand

Dear Mrs neighbor J

When your grandson lied to your face about someone and you then asked him “Are you sure?” and he doubled down on that lie… is that when you knew the truth? You’ve known him since he was born and know his cues so I assume you knew he was lying. But was that the exact moment?

I wished you had chosen me.

Now I’m at a place in my life where I don’t want anyone. I don’t won’t to give my time, energy and money on someone who doesn’t reciprocate.

Why should I when I am the one who ends up with nothing and had lost out.

Thing is with you J, you hurt me the most. Why? Because of the potential that could have been.

My phone is secure but no sim. S

Im. A. "J"

Im the telling the other "J" a story

i wonder if its relatable.

For weeks at a time, even months when I was really going hard on the steel reserves and the old English,

Before I cut out liquor all together.

For protracted lengths of time I was as wasted as I could stay, as drunk as long as my money would last, and then stole to keep going.

It was abyssal and it's a goddamn shame that I didn't comprehend looking back at me were largely confused and rightfully hurt people.

They tried.

And I see glimpses of them in my memories different moments for alot of people who had to deal with me .

I can't imagine the heart it took.

I don't remember alot but I remember being

Evil.

That's the part where self medication and substance abuse become a quiet battle

Far better than the bloodied, screaming , confused creature stumbling around.

Do you understand?

The measures I took to minimize and then all but eliminate that part of me.

Y'all couldn't have done anything more at the time.

And y'all did plenty.

Im gonna have a tattoo artist put everyone's names on my neck, face and the tramp stamp area.

It's gonna be real classy

To the j that only chose me when he felt he had no other options.

Being with you taught me so many lessons. I loved you with everything I had. I thought you loved me too. In the beginning anyway. Now you look at me with disgust and hatred. You e turned into the man you hate. Not to mention you fell for another man. Running from the truth will only make you sicker. We made it thru so much already, we could have this one. But you're weak and only know how to hide. I pray you find your strength again.

^(I have been doing a lot of reflecting, and I am deeply sorry for how I ended things with you. I finally see the full extent of the emotional weight and pain I caused, and it breaks my heart to know I hurt you. You were the best partner and the best friend I have ever had. I hope you always know how much you were loved, valued, and appreciated, even when my actions didn't show it. Pushing you away and destroying what we built is my one of my greatest regret.)

^(My behavior back then was a reflection of my own unhealed pain, but that is no excuse. You deserved so much better. You were wonderful just as you were, and none of my mistakes were your fault.)

^(I want you to know that I didn't just get away with how I treated you. Karma is real, and the universe has a way of balancing things out. After we parted ways, I faced a lot of hardships, a toxic relationship, and a dark mental space. I truly feel I have reaped what I sowed and faced the consequences of my choices. There was justice in how things turned out for me, and I needed that reckoning to finally see the truth.)

^(I know I cannot reach out to you right now, and I respect your space completely. I have carried this guilt for a long time, but knowing your kind heart, you have likely already forgiven me. I am working on finding a way to forgive myself. I still care for you deeply, J, and I am so truly sorry for the hurt I caused. More than anything, I genuinely hope you are happy, safe, and thriving in life)

^(To Honor what I did to you, I am going to become the person you always thought I could be and the person I know I can be. Never again will I be the weak person that sacrifice things that are good, for things that are good in the moment but bad. I know it's easier said then done but I am willing to put in the work. I Love you J, and I am truly sorry.)

^(- M)

J, by all logic we never should have met. The randomness of the universe had us cross paths. Just two lonely people that found each other. I cherish the time we had together. Lifting each other up, being silly. Learning more about you. You know more about me than anyone in the whole world. Yet we're so far apart.

We believed in each other more than ourselves. That's not true, you saw the good in me. Even when I couldn't. I never thought I was enough for you.

I miss making you laugh, the joy I felt cheering you up. Every time my phone buzzes I think of you. The feelings flood back, the excitement, the feeling of connection. But I check it and it's not you.

I love you so much, and I know you love me too. Bittersweet to feel so close to you yet be so far away.

Maybe in another life, another timeline we're together and happy. That thought brings me an odd comfort. I understand why we can't be together. At the time I couldn't grasp it. I know you're right, even if I wouldn't admit it.

I lay in bed thinking of something I never thought I could have. We made each other better. I feel lost at times without you.

But you're here with me always, I hear your voice, the one You're so self conscious of. Telling me to be better, since I won't do it for me I'll do it for you.

You said you thought I'd hate you, I could never hate you, just the opposite. And that's the problem. I hope you'll forgive me for leaving you alone.

I wonder how you're doing without me. You're so much stronger than you think. I don't think you ever needed me, but I needed you.

I miss my best friend, you brought so much light to my life. My mind is still far away. Over there with thoughts of you. Imagining what it would be like, to meet you. For the very first time.

Forever is a long time. So we said goodbye, for now.

Your memory is eroding, ashes, dust, fragments

The pain had gone for a while, an anxious rush replaced by a dull ache

Now I see indifference

An experience experienced. One I have had the strength to learn from, to grow

For you there is nothing

No resentment, no pity, no anger, no regret, no shame, no fear, nothing

Just indifference

Goodbye visitor may you be, well whatever you is

it seems like you found your next lover, and left your previous person for them.

there's a sense of relief. you're not following me anymore. i'm not the object of your desires. from one LO to another.

does this mean that i'm free? i don't know.

i guess only time will tell.

i'm sinking into this sense of dread. what will i do with my time now? how will i entertain myself?

its crazy that my mind can get so creative with making meanings out of nothing, out of songs that can be interpreted in so many different ways.

once upon a time, i thought those songs were about me. reaching out to me. when in fact, it's just about faling in love with someone else.

how silly my mind can be sometimes. disappointment sets in.

its an empty road ahead. i got myself here, j. i wanted this.

what next now?

i say... let's make the journey on this road a good time :)

hell f*ckin ya.

So in that Dracula song clearly I knew it was about us. I’d picture you with me until the end of time. So even if we’re friends I know I’ll always care about you. So maybe stop turning me away when I need you as my friend. Friends stick together right. I may see you as something else but hey that’s what you want. So J , I’ll be your Dracula whom is always pale to a certain degree. So love me and worship my kind heart. I will always love you J. I have loved you since I was 18 but who’s counting. So my love for you will always linger and maybe one day you’ll realize I’ll always be there for you. So maybe stop turning me away from what we could have been because you meant the world to me. I will always cherish your heart and I have since day one when you kissed me I felt fireworks going off. Your lips are softer than satin and you smell like cedar near a lake and it’s oddly comforting. So learn to embrace what we could have been and I’m always going to care weither you cared about me or not I will always love you like I did walking in that classroom because I fell In love with you all over again. So satin that’s your new nickname by the way. I’m your favorite leather jacket hung up in your closet that you can’t seem to understand why you won’t get rid of it. I’m the loved jacket whom you’d never get rid of and you will always care about just like you would a motorcycle. So love me like your favorite jacket and I’d cherish you like a soft cashmere sweater that needs a lots of care and attention. I love you 💙

Sincerely one your favorite gals , M ✨💙

Yet here I sit every day wishing for your smell .. your laugh..

Why does our sense of humor blend so perfectly? We have the exact same humor and it's just always been so easy to vibe with you. .

But that's also where it kinda ends. We don't have the same moral ethics or beliefs, we don't agree on the fundamentals of a relationship and what's important. You value money and success, I value time and memories . You value health and wellness and I value a good cheeseburger and going out for dessert before we go home and take a nap together.

Your dream is to own a farm and grill every night while the kids camp in the yard and my dream is to live in the city and sit on the porch and listen to society breath late at night. You cry when you drive in the city.

You're kinda dumb, but also surprisingly smart. You have no interesting skill or hobby , but you're probably one of the most dependable people anyone's ever met. You have helped me on the side of the street so many times , helped me out of financial binds , and you're the rockstar of every blue collar job you've ever had. Me? I work in customer service. You roll your eyes when I talk about the stars and you're skeptical about spirituality.. yet , you always listen when I have a message from the universe for you and you were convinced I cast a spell on you when we broke up because you couldn't stop thinking about me.

I remember years ago when it first started to go wrong .. you made a comment to me that I still think about to this day. You mentioned wanting to cut your hair and I said "I like it long" and you responded telling me to not comment on your appearance because then you'll overthink about it and try to be who I prefer. At the time you were trying to get me to leave , and so you didn't want to be appealing to me , but that information has made me second guess the version that I thought I knew of you since the beginning. Maybe that's why I held onto the illusion of how perfect you were... Because you were literally mirroring my idea of a perfect partner. And maybe that's why it all went wrong.. maybe that's why I was so blindsided by the sudden 180°. I thought I knew your heart and in a way this makes me angry , because you kind of wasted my time.

When I first noticed the changes I kept calling you "anti - J " .. you didn't like that .

Now I sit here mentally critiquing every post, every public sentiment "that's so stupid. That's not what you said years ago" .. while romanticizing a version of you that likely never existed. Maybe that's why I'm still so enthralled.. it was all fairly tail

To the love of my life

To the man I'll always be grateful I knew,

I've thought about writing this for a long time. I'm not writing it because I expect anything from you, and I'm not writing it to ask you to come back. I just wanted to say some things that have lived in my heart for a long time.

Thank you for the memories we shared. The good and the bad. As strange as it may sound, I'm grateful for all of it because it was part of a chapter of my life that changed me. To me, what we had was beautiful. It wasn't perfect, but it was real, and it meant more to me than I ever knew how to say.

One of the things I'll always remember is how safe I felt when you were near. That feeling was rare for me, and I never took it for granted. And that day in your truck, when I said "forever," I meant every single word. I wasn't pretending or caught up in the moment. I truly believed it with all my heart.

You were never "nothing" to me. You were everything to me.

I'm sorry for the way I treated you. Looking back, I can finally admit that I let my fears, my paranoia, and my addiction take over who I was. They clouded my judgment until I couldn't tell what was real anymore. I believed things about you that I see now weren't true, and I know I hurt you because of that. For that, I am deeply sorry.

At the same time, I also know there were things you said and did that hurt me too. I'm not bringing them up to place blame. I simply want you to know that I forgive you. We were both imperfect people trying to navigate something bigger than ourselves.

I'm not asking you to forgive me, and I'm not trying to win you back. I just wanted to acknowledge my part. I was a problem in ways I couldn't see then, and I own that now.

I still miss you. I think about you more often than you'd probably ever imagine. I hope life has been kind to you. I hope you're happy. I hope you're chasing your dreams because I've always believed you're incredibly smart and capable of accomplishing anything you decide to do. I have no doubt you'll go far.

As for me, I'm still trying to understand why accepting love has always been so hard. It's hard for me to believe that someone truly loves me. Somewhere along the way I became afraid of it, and too often I ended up hurting the people I loved the most. That's something I'm still working to heal.

Maybe one day, somewhere down the road, we'll unexpectedly cross paths. If that ever happens, I hope there won't be anger between us. Maybe I'll get a hug. I think that would mean a lot to me. It's awful how much we've been there to become strangers again. It's sad. I guess we didn't have that love that everyone spends there whole lives looking for after all.

No matter where life takes us, thank you for the time we shared. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for loving me in the moments you did.

I sincerely hope your life is full of happiness, peace, and everything you've ever wanted.

Take care of yourself.

Love Always...

I hate that my heart still has a flicker of hope that one day the self proclaimed lumberjack viking will actually face himself and show up as the man he promised me he was. Why does love make you so delusional? I feel stupid. I feel used. I feel like you lied to me. But then are you just lying to yourself too?

I so badly want to make the trip to your house just to tell you exactly what you deserve to hear. I showed up. I gave all. You stopped investing. Full stop. And then ran like a cowardly lion. I guess we missed the boat in this life... Again. Maybe next time. 🖤

Are you looking up at the stars as I am?

Sometimes I reach that something only to feel nothing?

Are you looking up at the stars as I am?

Just when I finally feel like I'm starting to get over you and enjoy my life without you in it I begin to get pulled back in. One day I'm okay and the next not so much. Yesterday I finally accepted not having you around in my life and this morning I woke up with you heavily on my mind. I'm not replaying any memories of us, I am just simply missing you. I hate the fact that I'm still so into you. I hate the way that things ended. I feel like there was more that was left unsaid and neither one of us was brave enough to say it. I saw the sadness in your eyes but did you see the sadness in mine?! Did you know that it was the hardest thing for me watching you walk away. I just stood there hoping that you would change your mind and return back to me but you walked away and you didn't even look back. Did you even wonder what I was feeling? Did you care? I hate that my mind keeps looping back to that day when you walked away from me. I hate that I still can't get over you. I hate that I take a step forward away from you and then take 2 steps back towards you. I want to move on and I want to be happy and I want to finally be at peace knowing that both you and I will be okay. I miss you but I need to move on.

He left me tho, its been months of no contact