J- Why does my brain allude to you? Why my brain can't forget you? & my most gratifying daydreams have to go through you??? Lost case here, don't mind me. I'll never know what to say or how to behave.
I gave people too much permissions a d authority over me that they haven't earned by the least by my own doing. I owe it to myself to take it all back & be true to myself again ❤️
Do you think I'll ever know how you feel or what you think of me.
How do I start this letter?
I'm an avoidant when it comes to you
Yet when it's a legit matter
We seem to click like 2 peas in a pod
At least that's how I feel about us
But M why do you walk away from me, so quickly?& leave me talking to your shadow?
Why do you run from me?
I can't be this bad...
I still remember our small talk, our conversations. You conveyed things that showed me the amazing person behind your handsome face, you said things that were actually helpful. Aside from all the things I have learned from you.
I wish I was able to nurture this as a friendship; I just couldn't. I wish I didnt feel the need ever to make you out as the bad guy as the only way to let you go & get over you.
I shouldn't. I shouldn't have. But my pain will remain in the shadows of appearances, little itty bitty chances for hellos, goodbyes and ehatever's in between I'm the one who has to live with it.
Signed,
The J you know. The one who can get Emotional & run all over the place. The one who gets excited too quickly and sad in a click of a sound. The one who shows up late so she can leave after everyone else. The one who understands avoidance, pain, silence and misfiring at the wrong times. The one who shouldn't feel this way about you. This letter can go both ways J to a J; it can go both ways. Or you can tell me to f* off because I'm such a fool. I won't be upset, I promise. I'm ready to hear it.
The J you know.
A lot of people wanna give their way
But don't pay attention to how much their
Way can be toxic to the closest people
No you dont get to choose when you have to beg period. Beggars can't be choosers.
You messed up so long now the boundaries and walls are up with no way back. That was your doing. I've been burned till there were ashes left. I've been pushed till i was in a dark corner with no way out, except this wall. Enjoy the wall because it's staying.
You gaslit, you confronted, you criticized, you attacked my esteem, my well-being, my confidence, my love of life, usurped my time because you assumed you were privileged to this extent... it turns out it the veil is off. And I can finally see.. you never gave me the love I really need.
If it's still not understood, here's what you did.You gave a love to make your self feel good, to feed your crawling ego, your wicked bitterness,, your shell of unworthiness, your twists of right & wrong. You used your projections of all that is wrong with me to make your image perfect; and you're still dragging it through the walls the holes and the daggers calling it "love", well your turn is over; that is not love. While you threw me as bounty for your toying, I rose up, let go, & liberated myself.
A lot of people wanna give their way
But don't pay attention to how much their
Way can be toxic to the closest people
No you dont get to choose when you have to beg period. Beggars can't be choosers.
You messed up so long now the boundaries and walls are up with no way back. That was your doing. I've been burned till there were ashes left. I've been pushed till i was in a dark corner with no way out, except this wall. Enjoy the wall because it's staying.
You gaslit, you confronted, you criticized, you attacked my esteem, my well-being, my confidence, my love of life, usurped my time because you assumed you were privileged to this extent... it turns out it the veil is off. And I can finally see.. you never gave me the love I really need.
I have been wanting to tell you
That you instigated feelings for me since day 1 when I met you M. I just have to get it out; it weighed on me for so long. I apologize that I was a pain in your butt especially when we first met, i think I made things harder. There was a tension... I simply want to let you know with no expectations. That you can put my heart on fire just by one stare or just by being there in the same room, it can be a good or bad burning fire but you have impact on me, an authority that my heart forces on me. I feel like I know you from the inside out. That's it.
I almost walked to you
I almost came to you
Happened to see your shape bent from a distance
I wanted to make sure you're okay
I walked a few steps to quickly see more clear
That you were leaning on a cage as your support
You were talking and taking notes
I saw you were okay
But if I walked any closer I was afraid you'll laugh a silly one
I was afraid of the ridicule or whatever reason you might assume...
I turned back around and walked away & realized I had coffee but no mug hurrying & wondering why I'm all over the place. Why I saw you anyway when you were out of my way. A few more steps never hurt a donkey; perhaps that's what I am. Now keep walking little girl...
That's just who I am, M.
I'm too real to fake it, too true not to demand it; it's within my right just as it has been yours, all this time, using it to limit me, to make me submit into duty, to guilt me. Now that it's My turn to ask for it in return, the register cash got stolen, the fish swam out to the sea.
Truth is out; now I know, you just hid it like a little kid because it weakened your ego.
I'm gonna keep working to find out what really happened here. All those years were they a lie because we were told "to"... do by duty? And by their projection onto us to make their inconveniences and shortcomings for them? Way to manipulate us. It's too late now, they played their game, convinced us it's a shame to start again. You're too brainwashed; you're just as inhibited as me; you just didn't know it, 'love', too much for a sincere name calling, one easiest to fake.
​
Disclaimer, I don't hold a grudge. I'm just releasing thoughts that still visit me- associated with a subconscious pain pattern that I'm ever slowly and validly shaking off my whole being & especially my nervous system.
Unfortunately you were my family
You were supposed to protect me & you did
You did what you were "supposed" to do
But you did it as anl dire obligation choosing when to and when not to love me, or perhaps it was all faked coz you were too busy dealing with yourself... so much that I stay awake at night and wonder why?
I wonder why you woke up too late from your haze? And am in the same haze as you were? A sibling tells me she was hurt, hurt too much that she still needs years to resolve it, but that the thread of your wakelessness, your self-centeredned and gaslighting projection could not be cut she had to gradually and eventually completely cut ties with you. And don't blame me for talking to my sibling. If i don't finally validate my sibling's feelings & reflections of the past with you, then who will? I don't regret it. She didn't brainwash my sibling; my didn't brainwashed me. We simply shared what siblings should. It was simply overdue after you worked so hard to divide between us by oaths of pity & secrecy.
To this day, I wonder why you worked so hard but never fixed a leaking roof, why you worked so hard we barely saw you yet you didn't buy this sibling a little bed, so this poor little one was not walking around every night to see which sibling would share their bed... I wonder why you worked so hard we barely saw you, but when we saw you, you didnt make those moments count. I wonder if you did help us cultivate a single hobby, why did you leave us to our ways and not encourage to follow through; those hobbies ended up failures because of us and also You.
You were either staring at a paper or yelling at us with impatience and ill-tempered uncalled-for demands, or busy breathing out your toxic assumptions to the waves down below the balcony.
Why did you let relatives come in our house & try to demean us, to parent us a second time, to comfortably cut into our bond as if it was all normal? Shame on you for not putting those boundaries. Because it only took me to see this one with my younh kid and never let it happen again... never let anyone assume my parent role and hurt their self-esteem or dignity. No, by that you didnt protect us.
Why did you ensure we had to keep all our family issues as our secrets, until when we grew up you convinced us to keep bad secrets from each other. We grew into balls of emotions who almost can't reason- it's taken too much work to...
Well here I am, grown up f* big adult; finally getting over my good heart and realizing those secrets I should've all along kept from you! So that you don't patronize me! You dont gaslight me! So thay you stop criticizing me for things I do, for what I cook & eat, for where I sleep, for where I go, how hard I work because I simply asked for your help during a busy season. Well this season ended on your terms, but I finally learned my lesson!
Yeah, you flipped tables on me to use my pity again and to tell me, remind me that I'm "lucky" and that "I have everything", why? Because... you wanna hear it? Because I tried, and I worked to choose well, perhaps I ended choosing better than you.
I helped you make up with the same sibling you most strongly enabled. The other one wanted to leave as fast as they could. I can't blame the one who chose bad and needs your support; that is one strength you've shown or something you can offer as a parent, perhaps redeeming all that was wrong before. I have no grudge like I said; I'm just shaking off the dust. That unconditional "pitiful" love that I never got & will never get from you; I don't want it anymore. Time after time you couldn't give it. What hurts me most is the partner I chose for my life respects you so much, he still asks "what would 'you' say" and "what what would 'you' think"? Could you imagine, it took me over a decade to finally let this person know: I'm not 'you'.
I still love you, I cannot unlove you now... but I still feel like asking, why were you so harsh when kindness & tenderness mattered most? Why did you make this sibling remember punishment after a punishment after a yelling, after a slamming? Why were you not proud and acted hideous when a grade came a little lower than yout perfect expectation? Maybe because you have no idea how your inability to love hindered our balance, ultimately, our performance that we had to pick back up with heavy hands... After my sibling was let out in the cold without socks for a silly mistake; where was your heart when ours mattered or was making your point more important than our happiness and security? Solidarity is what I owe my sibling more than I owe you; you were the adult and we were the kids. You were responsible for these things; the more I release this pain, the more I feel responsible (which I always thought I was and that I'm to blame for my subconscious inhibitions!) For my next steps and what I need to do to fully move on without it affecting me as it has in the past.
I feel you broken
Did you feel my brokeness too?
I Might as well -no, better- be broken with you
I felt you in the shower in how my hands wrapped around my shoulders to keep them afloat
I felt you broken
Sometimes you and me feel the same
I am you and you are me.
I feel how you thought of me that i might still your light that you think I'm someone else's
Im my mind's eye, I wanted to stare at you showing you my deepest demise
Is it worth it at all for you?
To find a love compromised?
Or is it much harder to loose your pride
The glue that holds your sentences together.
Sometimes when I look at my face
I see your face instead of mine.
You come back
Now their cycle is reinforced
​
You continue to wrap the same ppl around your playful fingers
​
You continue to make the agenda, play with the algorithm, control the scenario(s)
​
You obviously have more than 1 partner in crime
​
But the funny thing is no one can even see this pattern
​
But me and perhaps two more sidewalk observers who were either hurt once like me or who just can't afford to be tainted by the control games of hopeless climbers.
​
​
I re examined old correspondences
Of how much of a pain in the butt I was to you
When we first came into each others' lives, 6 years ago
That place was doomed its people love drama & playing the control hunger games.
You know those I sat with at the same table; they spoke about my exposed heart to my face
How dare they?
I should've risen above it all
I should've from the very get-go
I wish I was stronger, smarter, better, wiser, loner
Most of all I wish I was more gentle with you
I wish I could calm those raging storms
I wish I could breathe & feel at peace
But I keep hitting the walls
& gasping for oxygen as soon my shoe hits the door, I feel the urge to get out & never come back
To the place where I met you
To where scars happened, etched by cruellest people I've ever met
I wish I dared to be more myself
For the time being, all I can do is tolerate & act like everything okay. I will try to smile to make up my past idiocracies, & pour some kindness instead. That's the best I can do; i don't know if I will ever pay the full price for how much I annoyed you, but perhaps I have by my quiet suffering.
(For you) Friday 05 jun 2026.