r/screamintothevoid

Sometimes I imagine we are both roommates who have decided to live with each other until one of us moves out due to a partner, spouse, job or for other stupid reasons. I like dogs, you like cats so we both will adopt two dogs, two cats and maybe even two birds. We both will work from home, decorate and take care of the house together, go out to different places in our free time. We will be bffs4eva.

It's sad because you never existed to begin with.
But I miss you, a lot. And I will be waiting for you, at my door... Patiently... Hoping you come back with enthusiam and share every single detail of whatever happened in your life today, whilst we watch tv or play video games together.

Please come back home. I am so alone. Please.

I'm started to grow really fucking tired of this. So, if YOU, the one reading this, is the person I speak of please do this: STOP CREATING FAKE PROFILES CLAIMING TO BE MY SISTER OR ANYONE I KNOW FOR THAT MATTER!!!!!LIKE BRO, WHAT IN THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?? LET ME SAY THIS FOR THOSE IN THE BACK.....NO Im not fucking dead!!! Quit trying to make me look like a crazy person....I know YOU posted in r/usmc claiming to be my sister and by claiming this false narrative by saying I died, like wtf!!!!. I'M so close to leaving here because this shit is not worth it anymore. My life , my heart; nor my former partners life or heart are meant be hurt or destroyed like this. get a life and stay out of mine.

P.S.

IF YOU TNINK HE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME..... NEWS FLASH!!!! HE DOESN'T LIKE ME NOR Want anything to do with me, so let me mourn that relationship. HE NEVER LOVED ME, HAPPY NOW?? Just stop, okay?

Every time you felt comfortable with loneliness, with quiet, with silence, when you know what you crave is to talk, to feel side by side with someone who stays but noone was willing.

You deserved better.

Every time you reached into your heart, poured out the beauty of it for the world to see, for the world to gasp in awe at the unflinching loyalty, the utmost devotion, the unfathomable levels of depths that exists within your heart. Only for them to spit, to ridicule, to lessen your strength, your courage.

You deserved better.

Every time you were in pain, so much pain it grabbed you by the throat and demanded to be expressed, to be seen, to have a right to exist. And you let it, through your words, your hands, your canvas, your needles and out came wonderful pieces of art made not from your mind, but from your heart. Only for them to treat it with disregard, weak they called you, said you were wasting your time, that feelings aren't meant to be displayed in this way.

You deserved better.

Every time you reached out to people in real ways. Saying I love you, I need you, my heart is hurting, I need someone to hold me, I want someone to stay. Only for them to laugh, to walk away, to act as if they didnt hear you.

You deserved better.

Every time you lived life to the fullest, letting yourself be who you are, without shame, without blame, without diminishing yourself. And you were asked to become smaller, to be out of sight, to grow up, so you could fit into boxes not meant for you.

You deserved better.

Every time you noticed the lies, pointed out the discrepancies, the dissonance between their words and their body language. And you called it out. Put it in the open for people to see. And they cut you off, threw you out, demanded for you to shut up, asked you to stop and sit quietly.

You deserved better.

I did. You did. We all did. Don't let them, please don't let them put out the candle in your heart. Its warmth is needed, and its beauty reaches in into all of us.

I need you so bad and I miss you so much. Please just pet my head...or insult me. I want it all until my head tells me you're horrible.

God how I supposed to go on

You know my sexuality, so I'm very limited on what gets me off

Because my emotions are so deeply infused with my sexuality, I've learned that it actually helps me determine what I'm truly feeling deep down. It helps me process things. My body will tell me how I feel; whether it's love, anger, disgust, sadness, confusion, hopeful, whatever. My physical responses don't lie.

When this recent episode of... whatever the fuck this shitshow is... started over a month ago, I tried it again for the first time in a long time. That time, I cried. I finished and then the tears came, and through my sobs I yelled, "it's not the same! It's not the same anymore! Why!?" I decided to be cautious because of this, because of what flooded out of me, physically and emotionally, when I was through.

But then things got better...a few weeks went by, I opened up a little more, you seemed sincere, and I was really enjoying our time together. We had planned to go out to eat, and I genuinely believed it would lead somewhere. So I tried again. This time, I didn't cry. It wasn't bad. So I did it a few more times over the next couple days, and the last time I did it, it was as if nothing bad had ever happened between us. My desire was there in full force, I was having constant cravings for you, and I was having a great time with my fantasies...I absolutely loved it, and I kept wanting more and more and more...

But then my curiosity got the better of me, and I had to ask what was going on. Everything went downhill from there. My desire was wiped out. I hadn't even bothered to try again, because my heart didn't feel safe, so my faucet was shut off.

It would come back in small blips, mainly when I was remembering how things used to be. But it was never enough to make me want to touch myself.

But for some reason, I decided to try again last night. My feelings have been so confused and I wanted to know what would happen this time. Would I cry again? Would I struggle to finish? Would I be surprised by how much I enjoyed it?

Well, I actually did finish. But it was a bit of a struggle to get there. I didn't cry, though. It just felt like I had hooked up with a friend, I guess. There was just enough there to get me to the finish line, but it didn't feel passionate. It felt like porn, but not in the way you would probably think. More mechanical. No real connection. Just going through the motions to get each other off.

I have to visualize the full scene, from beginning to end. I have to have that emotional bond to even do anything. So clearly there's still some attachment, some bond that remains. And honestly, the lack of connection felt like it was coming more from your side than from mine. Because when I say I have to visualize everything, I mean everything. Including your perspective.

It doesn't make me happy to feel that connection being severed. I like being connected to you. I love being passionate and having such a powerful bond to you that I have constant cravings for you. So it's sad...obviously things can change, as I noted previously. But if that was possible, then my words would have gotten through to you by now. My want for you is directly affected by your effort, by your behavior, by your love or lack thereof. And I tried to pull that out of you. I did everything in my power, and all it did was leave me exhausted with nothing to show for it.

Maybe that will be the last time I ever think of you while I pleasure myself. I guess we'll see.

I loved you, I really did

Without a doubt my heart was content

But you broke me straight to pieces

Being mischievous behind my back to certain faces

I thought you felt the same to

Boy was I such a fool

It's ok, I'll be ok, I'll get through it

I'll just build bigger walls up, where no one can get through it

What once was great, got demolished

We knew it would never last, that was just our fate

I pray one day you heal

And maybe learn to love yourself, learn how to really feel

Even though we are parting ways, I think of you everyday

Please know it's not because I don't care

Mainly because you got quiet, whatever it was you were doing I know but you wouldn't take accountability you just wouldn't share

What once I thought could be my destiny

Became something that hurt, too much it just cost me

I choose me

And maybe one day you'll see

Just how true our love was

It was a once in a lifetime chance that got destroyed

A shivering scream into the void

I’m so sick of hearing other people say, and even convincing myself that the type of sex and intimacy in books and media is “unrealistic.” If it can be thought of, it can be done/had.

I’m a straight woman in her mid 20s. I live in a very rural area of, for lack of better words, simple minded people. Not saying everyone is like that, but it seems the world in general is very closed minded when it comes to intimacy, so that’s multiplied by 100000 when you live in a place like I do.

What do I mean? What people find “hot” is generally this: clean, neat, porn-esque, pretty faces, pretty noises, waxed bare, easily attained orgasms, jack rabbiting, and doggy style and a slap on the ass is considered the pinnacle of kinky.

This has always been the baseline, and again, I’m being redundant I know, but living in an area like I do, the chance of meeting someone I’m attracted to who actually craves REAL intimacy like I do, is slim to none. And yes, I’ve given it a chance. Yes, I put myself out there. And yes, everyone I meet thinks a quick 5 minute fuck with no pre or post “stuff” is the hottest thing in the world and they are content with just that. In fact, a lot of people think anything beyond that is awkward or unattractive or a turn off.

What do I mean? I mean, I, for once in my life, want to have sex with someone who completely takes me out of my head. For me, sex has always been a performance. I still enjoy it, but I prefer reading about it and, when I can find a good example of it, watching it. The entire time, I’m performing. I’m chubby so this just adds an extra layer of insecurity to it all.

The entire, and I mean the ENTIRE time, my head is consumed with: did I miss a spot shaving? Do I look too fat? Am I making a weird noise? Oh no that felt really good so I’m probably making an unsexy face, I hope I taste okay, I hope I smell okay, oh no that was a weird noise that came out of my when he moved me, I probably won’t be able to get off and he’s going to be annoyed at that, etc etc etc.

Meanwhile, his part in this has been: minimal foreplay, the foreplay being the same recycled motions he’s done on every other woman because he doesn’t understand that women are different and what works for one doesn’t work for another, he thinks saying “good girl” one time makes him Christian Grey, he thinks jackhammering me and pulling on my tit to the point of severe discomfort is sexy, he finishes and says “that was great” and wants to shower immediately because the sweat and whatever else is gross to him.

I want someone to desire me so much, to express that desire verbally and physically, to the point where all I can think is what I’m /feeling./ More so than that, I want him to desire me more (and SHOW me that desire) when I respond to his actions in ways that “aren’t sexy,” in a traditional sense. I want something animalistic and filled with want and emotion. I don’t want to perform. I don’t want the thoughts of “oh no am I xyz” to even have an opportunity to enter my head. I don’t want to hide my face or my noises, I don’t want to stifle my bodily reactions because “I might look weird.” I don’t want to get embarrassed about choking and my nose running when I give head, I don’t want to feel embarrassed about what I smell or taste like or how smooth I am. I want a man to be so attracted to and obsessed with me that every reaction my body has makes him want to rip me apart with his teeth, and then immediately put me back together and take care of me while I come back into my head. I want a man to want to inhale me, to lick sweat off of me, to think every “unsexy” part of me is the most arousing thing he’s ever experienced.

But, I’m either not that desirable, and/or that’s too deep for everyone. Sex seems to be very surface level for everyone I meet but for me it’s not and I’m always left needing more and I cannot find it no matter where I look. To clarify, I think the type of sex I described should be bare minimum. I personally don’t think it’s some insane, deep concept, but, maybe it’s the porn, maybe it’s the generation, maybe it’s my geographical location, maybe I just haven’t found the right person, but to everyone else it seems to be an insane idea. That sex can be, and is, more than just a physiological act of putting something inside of a hole. Ugh.