I fell for it. I sure did!!? It's all good tho I'll make my mind forget you even fucking exist and you will go in with ur pathetic little life blaming every one else talking shit and thinking ur shit don't stink bitch I sleep next to you let me tell u it does. You'll end up old and alone with 1000 cats and cats turds everywhere maybe I will go but at least it will fucking peaceful!!!!

I want to pull my hair piece by piece to show you how much I hate you. I don't want to see you nor talk to you. you don't know the anger that's building up inside me over time because of the things you keep doing to me. I am filled with rage, with hatred, with disgust..

please go away from me. I hate you, I hate you so much.

I’m learning to hold this. Not gracefully. It hasn’t been easy, and I’ve been fighting far more of myself in the process of admitting it than I realized. But it’s obvious now, i think. The way i respond to your presence in a room, the way i have to prepare for you with a deep breath and a setting of my mind’s shoulders just to hand you something. The way i somehow have reserves of energy when I’ve been tapped out for days, weeks, just having you nearby. The way you can unnerve and unmask me if you bother to, in a way that’s somehow peaceful, in its own way. It’s little real moments where you do, that mean more than anything else. 

No gestures, no stories, no sharings or keyhole glimpses into what, for me and my life, is pure fantasy by comparison, and beyond my means—a deeper yearning i didn’t realize i had buried. Just something momentarily real, something small, a genuine smile over genuinely real and genuinely boring stuff in passing; one that slipped by me without permission, without expectation, running straight for you. It’s like you were waiting for it (just to be sure I still could), giving it back like you had so casually planned to steal it.

For someone who writes and yearns, dabbles in the poetic and emotionally prolific, i don't aspire to any of these. They’re just place holders. Random jars and plasticware and boxes and pots of text for things I couldn’t find a place for out in the world. Sparks that don’t get a place to fly; spikes that should be left unsaid; gardens that grew from a projected need of tending; pangs of past heartbreaks scars lingering; white knuckles burning where there was nothing left to hold onto before finally cooling. I don’t want these things, i collect them the way i have too many lids in my cabinet and not enough containers. Or the way rain rushes down and out the gutters. Sometimes, like wads of gauze from a wound that refuses to clot. Sometimes all this saves me a couple spare embarrassments and stutters, having somewhere else to set something down behind the relative safety of shutters. 

It’s not for you, not really. If anything, I'd rather spare you from any outpours you inspire. It’s art, it’s afterglow, some shoddy stage magician’s fire. It’s not real, it’s combustion of what would like to be real in a different world. “Beautiful” words are the art of a thief and liar. I’m hiding and spying, steeling with words; I can build my own furnished empire; to be stunned and struck dumb by a reality where words don’t exist; how many little empires have i already willingly burned in its stead? How can I hold all these big thoughts and big feelings in my strange twisted heart and dense little head? Is this really so new? Or have i become so frightened of my own heart? 
 
It feels unfair. To not be able to turn them off without destroying myself in the process. It feels like reality forcing me to play “truth or dare”, after, again, learning some truths are best left unsaid. Daring to hold this in, with all the rest. Not daring to keep you too close. And even still, even if briefly, I’m glad I could play a move of truth. 

I wish I could tell you I'm sorry and how much I love you and miss you The moment you left this earth it became too late.

You see there’s something about ill intent. It fucking wreaks. I smell it from the moment a thought of ill will is formed against me. Thing is I’m patient. Very patient. I must say it’s going to be quite the spectacle once I put things into motion. Best part about it all. You had the ball and court the whole time. I let you play and train to your heart’s desire. What a waste. Quite honestly. To do all that “work” to still constantly get ghosted. It honestly makes me feel sad for you. Unfortunately they won’t ever see what I saw. They don’t know how to read your book. As for me. I’ve gotten to realize my book was never meant to be read by one who likes stories on display. My best work has always been done privately. Which is what is so funny. You knew this. You never appreciated or even recorded my true acts of love. If you did. You would be upset that you could recall a time when a person would go through the distance to do something that special for you and now no one does anything close. Your game may have hurt me. In the end understand this. There are always diamonds in the rough. Most people just don’t like looking in the rough. Me on the other hand? The rough is my comfort zone. I’ll find more diamonds that anyone could know what to do with. Enjoy your cycle of giving to those who don’t deserve. I’ll enjoy mine of getting, giving, and building the cycle that lasts. — FJR

FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK YESSSSSSSSS.

SPIRAL OUT.

BE GREAT.

HEAL

LOVE YOURSELF.

AND THE WORLD WILL BEGIN TO LOVE YOU BACK.

LOVE!

FUCK YES!

FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK YESSSSSSSSSSSS!

I am worth the effort. I am worth choosing. I am deserving of being someone's first and only choice. I didn't deserve all the stuff you all put me through. I deserved love unconditionally. I deserve it even now. And you know what screw you for letting me think otherwise. Screw you for modelling that I was not worth knowing, or seeing, or loving. Screw you for choosing others over me. And screw every SO for modelling the same damn thing.

I'm here damn it. I'm still here! I deserve to love myself, I deserve to feel okay. I'm still here... why can't anybody see me? I'm still here...

I gotcha back, and if you need anything just pop up tell me because I'm here!

Aye aye aye!

You helped my brain realize what I've always known in my heart, I don't think I was stuck because I wished you could've given me base level trust and respect, I was stuck because I know the truth is, I wish *I* could've given that to *you*. What would have happened if I had just given you base level trust and respect?

You're the best thing that ever happened to me, even if it was the most painful. I think I've exhausted my last life and I respect your choice to not load another game. I love you too. Thank you for helping me get back to a place where saying that feels possible again.

I'm sorry.

You could feel me falling as I could you . You made it clear where you stood I backed away.

I'm sorry for never stopping to thinking and acting in pure hurt and angry I wasn't able to hear, to feel other then myself . We arnt perfect and I don't expect that from anyone in my life and I'm sorry i was harsh and acted so childish.

Im a grown up and can say no, i just needed communication. I often think of you and how your day was, what project your up to if your robot vacuum is doing its job haha. I have looked for you ever since in your writing in your firm but kind style. Im truly sorry if i caused you any pain.You left a bigger mark on me then you'll ever know not in a bad way either, Life is an experience and boy has it been.  😘😘

I told you over and over again that I am afraid to fall in love and still you did not let me be? And for what? For me to cater to your needs? Give you what you want when you want it? Wrap my world around you like you are the freaking sun? And get nothing in return not even you initiating a conversation to solve the problem? No you, you like to just disappear and pretend like nothing happend I am so sick of it. You got one week to show me that you care about this like an adult and not act like a spoiled child. Otherwise I am gone I am so done with that and if I have to break my own heart in that process so be it. It will heal and I will get it done alone as I did before you interrupted my peace.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I LOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE YOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU!

I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu-hooooooooo

In 2020 I moved back to my mother’s apartment full of shame. Had a job at Home Depot and met a fantastic young Lady who I believe is my Soul Mate. She came down from Canada from McGil. She was full of fucking wonder. I mean from the time I saw her, the second time. She was moving with grace and I felt something foreign at the time radiating from her. At the time I was very ignorant. Ignorant to myself, ignorant that she was my soul mate, and most importantly ignorant to Life here on Earth. When she came up to the Service Desk I was so fucking shy. In an attempt to keep it cool, I tried to remain focused on my task at hand. She proudly interjected and introduced herself to everybody I was around. She saved the best for last lol and introduced herself to me. When she pulled her mask down I was stunned by what I saw. She was an Angel in real life. We kicked it off almost immediately. Eventually got into a serious relationship. Where we were spending the night at my mother’s apartment. Soon we were spending nights at her parents house because it was closer to our job. Well she asked me if I wanted her to stay so we could be together. Man I couldn’t say yes fast enough. So she did. I got to see a young woman so full of ambition conquer one thing after the other. She inspired me to do more other wise I felt I would lose her. Doing what I could at the time I changed careers. Found something I could do and didn’t yet realize I loved. Man I was so ignorant…. Life happened and my Grandmother transitioned. It crushed me and at the time I had two coping skills. Alcohol and drugs. My soul mate was there for me in that moment. Instead of appreciating that effort I compared her love foolishly to my grandmothers love for me. Ohhh this and ohhh that. The young woman stayed with me. Man I took her for granted. Well that wasn’t the last time. She watched me chase instant gratification through gambling and cryptocurrency amongst other things. Well she needed time away from me and my abandonment issue took it as her leaving me. Who the fuck wouldn’t leave someone who was selfish and self sabotaging. It must have hurt her to watch wasted potential. Of course we still stayed in contact for a while. Man I’m so fucking ashamed of my actions. It doesn’t end there. Well I was hurt and was still coping through illicit substances. Of course that comes with the bad friends along with HORRIBLE FUCKING ADVICE. Well my soul mate got a great job and was excited so she shared the news. I took advantage of that. I shared it with who I know now as just a using buddy. The using buddy also knew how hurt I was about my separation with (my soulmate we will address as H.A. T) HAT. They finessed me into destroying the relationship for good. I intended to pay the money back. I swear I did, well I told her that I wasn’t to see the look on her face. Hey hurt people hurt people and as long as I never beat in her it wasn’t that bad. Fucking wrong fuck boy. The look on her face is one I’ll never forget man. That break of trust she had in me and betrayal hurts me reliving it. Well I was in active addiction and it slid off me because I was numb. This woman is so pure in heart that she fucking forgave me! Well fast forward and life gave me another chance to prove to her that “we could fight any monster life has together”. My ignorant ass fucking blew it again! Not going to share but I fumbled that ball because I wasn’t man enough, fuck that, wasn’t in touch with my emotions. Instead of pausing for a second and playing the tape. I acted impulsively. My logical brain thought wrong. Today I am well, on my way to building a life that I am proud of, and filling my cup one day at a time. Met woman that are missing that spark I felt with HAT. We would just be watching her favorite show on the couch and it was there. People knew it when we were together. I mean complete strangers could see what I couldn’t. We were Soulmates who found each other. Now I’m awake to life sober and building something meaningful. Today I’m typing this up after realizing it ain’t anyone else that I miss more than HAT. So I hope she sees this post and has read to this point. Trust is going to take my consistent action to be built. It’ll be a stronger form of trust if given the opportunity. Shit I was a piece of shit and that person does not deserve a lot of stuff. It’s amazing that I’ve made it to this point of History. I’ve got another chance at Life on Earth. Can’t force anyone to do anything and I won’t want to force you to do anything. Rather I hope you allow me to earn a shot at what we started building before I destroyed that. Words can only do so much. That’s why we have actions. This is one form of that. Didn’t realize how sheltered I was until I went to a rehab. The fact I was sheltered from knowing I’m neurodivergent isn’t fair and played a huge factor in my sabotage. Nonetheless no excuse for my actions and lack of inaction. They say you don’t realize what you got until it’s gone. Now I’m hoping the other half of me ain’t gone forever because that ain’t anyway for anybody to live this life on Earth.

Sincerely,
Jay 🥲

i finally no longer want to be with you, at least not right now. i woke up and laid in bed mulling over our last few conversations and of course you were unkind but funnily enough, this time it doesnt hurt. the bad no longer truly outweighs the good. not only is the spark gone but we are not who the other fell for.

i’m okay and feel serious about the decision but i’m conflicted. am i glad to release myself of this unfortunately tight grip you have over my brain and heart? of course.

but i havent mentioned my decision, or thoughts about this to you that i want to end things because unfortunately i want you to remain mine for a little while longer. if only a moment.

But I can’t cuz you’re no good for me smh

When will you get it through your thick head?

I DON’T WANT YOU.

I love my partner. It’s them and always been them.

Stop trying to destroy my relationship with them.

I see what you’re doing online, pretending to be me and pretending that I’m writing to you.

You do the same in reverse, pretending they’re writing to a fake affair partner too.

When I rejected you I still respected as you as a person and that is all out the window now.

And I’m seriously glad I dodged a bullet.

You are a malicious, mean spirited and sick person.

I don’t respect you.

You showed your true colors and it is vile.

Don’t try to contact me ever again.

Stop writing about me.

You disgust me.

FUCK YOU.

I hate you.

Leave me tf alone.

I want to text you but I can’t

Energy definitely reads: push and pull

We both must be strong and stop sending thoughts and longing for each other

Sometimes it feels like I know you miss me

I can feel it

I can feel you trying to be strong and erase me completely from your mind and heart, and I am trying to stay strong for you, so we can both win this deep
magnetism.

I miss you so much. And yes I am acknowledging this.
I acknowledging my feelings.

I read somewhere if you are acknowledging any type of feelings it will be easier for you to get them out of your head and heart.

I think I came across one of your posts here (about sacrifice). And it was so you, but I couldn’t comment. I got banned from unsent text, I don’t even know how.

I don’t know how to help you and myself.

I am asking universe everyday to make it easy on us.

I do not believe you have any feelings for me.. well it’s hard to believe. I know you like risqué type of girls nowadays.

I also feel anger towards you, I must admit that too.

I truly hope somehow everything will get resolve in best way possible.

Good night friend, good night.
Keep it calm, keep it calm!

P.S. One thing I would like to add: I am not a spice (onion powder), so please kindly asking you, please don’t troll me. But nowadays I won’t be surprise …

I dont know what you want from me as friends or if you want more. Both scare me im scared i have never let anyone see my own emotional turmoil like this i dont let people in like that im an awful partner in that regard im the best lover on the outside but i have never let anyone close enough to see past into my cowardice my fear and my emotional wounds from childhood that im still untangling. Im scared that if you want to be more you wont turn me away and i want that but i dont know if i have what it takes i know you could easily ruin me and im not even in love with you. I dont know that i want to try to let you in. My closest friend doesnt even see that side of me and i dont know if i want to start here.

Its been 2 months and i have no one to hear me. And I cant stop crying. I cant stop tearing my self apart. I wasn't pretty enough, Im not smart enough, I'm just trash. You choose her. It will always be her. You weren't there when my uncle passed, you left and my aunt passed and a week later my grandma. I needed you and you abandoned me for someone else. You never loved me and why would you when you could have everything, you could have better, perfect. Why would you tell me you loved me? Does it make you happy knowing I am breaking was that the point. I wish I could yell at you but your far away living a happy life without me.