u/Ok-Chemist9623

Sometimes I imagine we are both roommates who have decided to live with each other until one of us moves out due to a partner, spouse, job or for other stupid reasons. I like dogs, you like cats so we both will adopt two dogs, two cats and maybe even two birds. We both will work from home, decorate and take care of the house together, go out to different places in our free time. We will be bffs4eva.

It's sad because you never existed to begin with.
But I miss you, a lot. And I will be waiting for you, at my door... Patiently... Hoping you come back with enthusiam and share every single detail of whatever happened in your life today, whilst we watch tv or play video games together.

Please come back home. I am so alone. Please.

Why is your attention so conditional. Why can't you like me when I'm likable, dislike me when I'm not. Why is it so confusing to be around you, why must I adjust to everything and when will it be your turn to admit that- "No, it's not you, it's me who's the problem"?

"But everyone goes through something rough! We've all got to find our way out eventually, through our own efforts!" ... I never said that, funny how you twist my words and emotions to make it sound like I'm some immature child not ready for change, or willing to let go of old habits.

You know what I said, what I meant. You fucking know that. And yet... You don't want to admit it. Constantly twisting the situation for your own benefit kind of proves my point- That you know you're wrong, you know my perspective holds power, and your only way to get out of the situation is to focus on insignificant things.

Your tone was too harsh, you brought up something completely irrelevant, you're overreacting, I also had a rough week like you... Shut up. Please. I just want to be like you, I went to be your friend. A part of your life. And yet... You fucking shut me out, every single goddamn time I knock at your door.

I want you to hold me. I want you to ignore the flaws I can't fix and just... Keep me close to you. But I know you never will, so what's the point of crying over something so "insignificant"... Right?

He is so charming. He fits in so well with other people. He is confident, a little clumsy but that makes him more grounded. He is approachable, kind and friendly. But you'd be a fool to mistake his openness for naivety. He has this intensity that makes you wish he would reveal more of himself, specifically to you. He isn't physically imposing or intimidating at all. He is a person you'll pass on the street, blending in with the crowd. But to those who know him, he brings warmth, joy and comfort... And I wish I could experience that...

But I will never be like him. He is someone so utterly different that I cannot comprehend him. I try to, but I can't. And that infuriates me. I hate him for making me hate him. But I can't help craving the tenderness he has to offer... Or does he? Why do I expect this from him when I could never do it myself?

Is he a person? Is he a fleeting crush, a feeling? I don't know. But I need him. I want him in my life. I don't know why it has to be him- Why can't it be her? Maybe I crave deeper intimacy... But does it make a difference? Does it matter when I will never have him or her in my life? Will I have anyone in my life, or is it all just a blurry dream of rotting in my bed until I eventually face death in my sleep? Do I wait for him to rescue me? Or do I call her to help me escape from my obsessive ruminations? I don't know.

I am going to fucking die alone.

Since I was a kid I have had an inability to communicate in a "normal" manner. Everything I say or do is planned, nothing is spontaneous because if I acted naturally I make other people uncomfortable. I don't understand what it is about me that makes people treat me like I'm different. The way they socialise with me is completely different from how they do with other people. Because of this, I have been ostracised, bullied, and at best treated like a clown or a pet if I was somehow accepted into a group. Never as an individual who deserves equal respect, but as an anomaly.

I am also unusually afraid of everything. I get so anxious that I can't even swallow food or water normally because I'm terrified I'll choke. I have a learner's licence, but the mere thought of being on the road prevents me from even touching my bike. I have many other unusual, extreme fears that plague my mind every day, and sometimes they become so overwhelming that I feel like dying right then and there. I suspect I might have OCD, but since I'm undiagnosed and can't seek help now or in the near future I have to live with this problem untreated.

Anyways, I'm just tired of explaining how things have always been different for me without people dismissing me 24/7. They say I'm just shy, have social anxiety, need to practise talking, or that I'm overthinking all of this. I feel like it's useless talking about it because eventually people treat me and my problems as if I just made them up. I feel like I can't escape this cycle of being affected by these mental issues, then talking about them to people who offer help, only for them to dismiss these issues and grossly minimise them.

I have felt suicidal in the past because of this. These days I'm doing a bit better, but eventually those suicidal feelings will arise again, and I don't know if I can keep going like this. I'm still 21. If I have to live the rest of my life with this, only for people to label them as "just anxiety" and me "overthinking things", then I'm looking forward to a torturous life.

I cannot LIVE I cannot LOVE AND I cannot LAUGH I fucking hate this disorder why must I suffer with this fucked up shit I need my brain to rrrrottttt grrrrrrr I haven't done ANYTHING for DAYS and I'm already tired FUCK YOU

I'm legally allowed to drink, I can smoke, there are specific diets I want to follow but I don't because I'm scared. I've read that people with OCD are more likely to suffer from substance abuse and disordered eating. I mean our environment and family history matters too it's a combination of everything, but the mere fact that I have OCD scares me away from it all.

It's just shocking to realise how even the smallest things I do can be attributed to OCD. I thought it was just my usual anxious self lol.